Ander - Part 2: Subchapter 23
23
She didn't know how long she sat there and cried. Long enough for her to run out of tears, at any rate. She knew she needed to get moving before her parents started to get suspicious of her absence again, but...
What was the point?
She didn't have anything to hide anymore. She would never speak to anyone of Kadai, of course, but she no longer had any desire to sneak off and see him again.
In fact, she no longer had any desire to do much of anything.
After sitting still for so long, there were small pebbles starting to dig uncomfortably into her shins, but she felt so dead inside she couldn't even bring herself to shift her position. Memories of their time together were constantly trying to sneak their way to the forefront of her mind, and she didn't know how long she could keep pushing them away.
The curious look on his face when she first brought him a piece of chick -
She pushed it away.
The time he taught her how to start a fire without flint or -
She pushed it away.
The way he'd sometimes grab hold of her and spin her around and around until her legs left the ground and the world became nothing but a green and brown blur, all except for his smiling -
She pushed it... she pushed...
She couldn't do it.
Apparently she was wrong about running out of tears. She could feel them effortlessly slipping down the paths carved by those that came before, like tiny pulses of warmth running down her cheeks. She didn't even bother to wipe them away. She just let them fall to the ground. What did a few drops of water matter? It didn't matter to Kadai, it didn't matter to this godsdamned mountain, and it certainly didn't matter to -
"Sarah?"
Damn. Why now? Why when she was on the verge of yet another emotional breakdown? She wouldn't answer him. She couldn't. She didn't want him to hear her voice as it would be now. Choked with tears and sadness. So weak.
"Sarah? Please look at me."
She couldn't do that either. He would see her tears. And she couldn't just wipe them away. He'd see.
There was nothing for her to do but sit perfectly still and ignore him. Maybe he'd get the message. Maybe he would leave her alone.
"Sarah, please..." He put his hand on her shoulder, and that's when she lost it completely.
"Don't you touch me!" she screamed, batting his hand away. She awkwardly got back to her feet, her legs partially asleep after sitting on the cold, hard ground for so long. She turned to face the one who had turned her life into a living hell by first giving her happiness, then taking it away. She hoped to see a demon, a Wolf now revealed in her eyes as nothing more than the wicked monster he truly was...
What she saw was Kadai.
Just Kadai, same as ever. Except she had never seen him as sad as this.
"Sarah, you're crying..." he said, reaching out for her.
"Of course I'm crying, you bastard! You did this to me! And I said don't touch me!" Sarah pushed him away as hard as she could, right in his chest. Even with all her grief and fury, she managed to knock him back only a single step. "Leave me alone!" she pushed him again. "Just leave me alone!" She pushed him again and again, just as she had tried to push away the fond memories she had of him.
She was just as unsuccessful this time.
Kadai grabbed her and he held her close, his hands locked together behind her back, pressing their bodies together. Sarah tried to fight him off, punching his shoulders, pulling at his fur, but he just held her even tighter, restricting her movements and...
...was she enjoying this?
The feel of his fur against her face, his scent, so much like the forest, the warmth of his embrace...
Despite her best efforts, she could feel the anger seeping away. Her muscles relaxed, her breathing slowed, she closed her eyes and she let him hold her. It felt like sinking into a hot bath after a hard day toiling in the fields, it felt like she was finally where she belonged. She could feel her arms reach up to return his embrace of their own accord, but she stopped them halfway.
What was she doing? This Wolf had a wife and child. No matter how badly she might want it, no matter how right it felt, he could never be hers, and she could never be his.
Of all the thoughts that raced through her head that day, of all the thoughts she tried so hard to push away and failed, it was this last - the most important one - that got pushed aside without her even trying. It happened the moment she felt Kadai's lips lightly touch the top of her head.
"Kadai?"
"Shhh..."
She could feel his pressure on her shoulders, pushing her down. With her head still resting against his chest, her eyes still closed, she finally allowed her arms to return his embrace as they both sank down to their knees.
"Sarah, please look at me."
She shook her head. She didn't want to see his face in this moment. She didn't want to see anything apart from the fantasy world that existed only behind her closed eyelids, where they could hold each other forever. Here, things made sense. Here, things were as they should be.
She felt his hand work its way underneath her chin, forcing her face up.
"Sarah, open your eyes."
Sarah did as he asked, and reality came flooding back the moment she saw him looking down at her with eyes that reflected the sadness of her own.
"This is the last time you and I will be together," he said, caressing the side of her face.
"I know," she said, surprised by how steady her voice sounded.
"If things were different... if I had met you sooner, or if I wasn't Chieftain, or if..." He sighed. "I just wish things could have been different for us, Sarah."
"But they're not. Things are what they are. What's done is done..."
"And can't be undone..." he finished for her. Leaning in close, he planted a kiss on her forehead, then travelled down to the base of her muzzle.
"Kadai..." she breathed. "This is wrong..."
"Why?"
"You have a family. A wife and child..."
"Not this day. Right here, right now, in the shadow of this mountain that separates Fox from Wolf, all I have is you..."
"Oh, Kadai..."
"Sarah..."
He pushed her down onto her back, and Sarah looked up at the blue tear that was the sky, bordered by the Cora on both sides. They were caught between worlds, and this mountain was the border. Here, they were neither Fox nor Wolf, but something more.
Here, they were lovers.
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