Movements on the Surface
Eli was in the loft. This was not an abnormal thing though. Painting was his job, after all. In the past three months he had two more successful auctions. He had a habit of attracting people who would start a bidding war. He pulled in enough money that he probably could have purchased a very nice house at this point (most of it in cash), but there was no reason to do so. Eli had a feeling his luck may run out eventually. Besides, with just him and Soren in the apartment, what would a house be good for? They had room here for overnight guests even, and the kitchen and living area had plenty of space for entertaining people.The painting he was working on was his little secret. Soren knew that Eli didn't like showing half-finished work and respected his wishes by not peeking under the sheets that hid the canvas. Eli was painting Soren. Normally he preferred a model for portraits, but he knew Soren's body so well that he didn't need any reference at all. Eli always loved his silver fur, and how the fire he conjured was an intense and vibrant shade of blue.In this painting, Soren was unclothed, but much of his form was obscured by tails or blue fire he was weaving about his silver body. Soren may be a bit clumsy when it came to moving or social interactions, but Eli knew he could be very graceful if he got in the right mindset. He really wanted to capture the grace and power that sometimes blossomed from within his partner. Eli had a feeling Soren wouldn't like that Eli was painting sensual pictures of him. Soren didn't even like having his photo taken. Eli thought he may be more accepting of the art if he saw it completed rather than in progress. But he would never even think of selling this painting. He was going to keep it just for them.Eli heard the faint turning of the lock and key as Soren stepped inside the apartment. Eli quickly covered the painting and rushed down the stairs to meet him. He checked his watch. It was past 9:00 again, but he hadn't noticed how late Soren was this time. He had been too engrossed in his work. Soren looked just as beat today as he did on Monday, perhaps even worse, if that was possible. Eli attempted to begin rubbing Soren's shoulders, but he was shaken off. That was a bit weird to him, but the beige fox stopped.Soren was rather quiet as he cooked. He was moving rather quickly through the steps, chopping things in a less meticulous way that he normally did, but Eli didn't think that was too weird. Four days after the lab break-in they still had no answers, and much of the equipment was still broken or non-functional."Why were you late today, Soren," asked Eli tentatively. Soren looked really exhausted. "They weren't interrogating you again, were they?"The silver fox sighed. "Yeah, they were. When the idiots broke in they used a maintenance key card, but somehow they got one of the high clearance ones, or fabricated a similar card. Someone must have
gotten them one of those cards. They were just double checking everyone. But it didn't take long for me. They needed me back to working on our computers again. No... I just had to make some phone calls. They couldn't wait 'till later. That just slowed me up.""Did you need to call for replacement stuff or something," queried Eli, hoping that it wasn't anything too serious.Soren looked into his plate of stir fry. "It was... family issues. That's all."Eli was really curious. Eli had only ever heard Soren talk about his dead grandmother, the one who kindled his love of music. But it was quite obvious that this was the wrong time to inquire further.After dinner Eli helped clean up, soaping up all the dishes. When they were done, Eli let Soren enter the master bathroom. He listened closely, but he heard the click of the lock and the hiss of the shower. Slightly let down, he returned to the loft, and began a different pen and ink piece. He was still too mad at the scrapped project to return to it just yet.Soren followed him up some time later, working a bit on composing some music for the trombone. Eli heard muted swearing every few minutes as Soren botched notes, and not long after Soren hung up his horn and left.Eli finished a final detail and followed him down. Soren was booting up their old GameCube, picking up a game to relax to. He started with Windwaker, but soon switched to Metroid Prime, and then switched again to Ocarina of Time. He cycled between these games twice more, not talking to Eli as he watched him play. Eventually, Soren said he was going to bed.Eli waited for a few minutes. Then he slipped into their bedroom. Soren was cocooned in the sheets already. Eli took a bit of time to swiftly lay out some clothes for Soren to make his morning a little easier. The beige fox then grabbed his share of the sheets and slid into the bed. He tried to wrap his arms around Soren, but he turned away. Eli decided he would talk about this later. Now was not the time. He turned around, feeling oddly lonely as he lay there.Soren was up before his alarm the next day. He left swiftly. Eli didn't realize Soren was leaving until he saw his silver tails whipping around the front door. Eli got up slowly and ate a morose bowl of cereal. He walked up to the loft and tried to work on some paintings. It was slow going. He was too preoccupied. Soren was on his mind all day, and it wasn't the good kind of "always on your mind."Eli decided to take a break from painting today. He wrote a fairly lengthy email to his parents. He decided it would be prudent to push off the visit for a few weeks. He wanted to figure out what was causing Soren to be so distant before his parents met him. Well, they had met him in "the silver fox rushing by" kind of way, but they hadn't met him as "the fox living with their eldest son" kind of way. Not that he told his parents that was the reason,
but there were other things on his calender that he needed to iron out before he could take important visitors.Soren decided to pop in a game himself. He went for the 360 and popped in Armored Core. There was nothing quite like piloting a supersonic mecha to wash away worries. Or was there... Eli just couldn't get immersed. He quit after fifteen minutes, not even bothering to save the game data.Eli then tried to work on his secret project, but whenever he looked at Soren's gorgeous body woven onto the canvas, he just felt worried. He ended up pacing up and down the apartment for hours, torn with indecision.Soren got home at the normal time today, his eyes crimson with tiredness. Eli hugged him as took Soren's jacket and backpack, but Soren didn't start to relax, and the embrace was brief. Soren got a coke from the fridge and immediately began cooking. He put water on to boil and began making a red sauce from scratch. Eli wanted to talk to Soren while he worked, but he knew that Soren wouldn't want to be disturbed as he worked. The kitchen was "his" space. Eli instead set the table and wondered what he could do to break this unwelcome distance.Soren was staring moodily into his pasta, twirling it absently. Eli decided to break the silence after five minutes. "Was today any better," he asked with trepidation."No," said Soren, barely audible. He didn't look like he wanted to talk, but Eli decided to press on just a bit. There was clearly something wrong."Well, at least it's the weekend.""Not for me," spat Soren. "I need to go back tomorrow, and perhaps Sunday."Eli frowned. "That's hardly fair. What did you do that warrants them to call you in on your weekend?"That was the wrong thing to say. Soren's voice reached a volume that he had never before directed at Eli. "They think I'm responsible for the break in. They reviewed logs from when people went in and out of the labs. I came in last week to fix some computers, and I was given a high level access card. I was the only person outside of the normal scientific staff who got in those labs all of last week. Now they think I'm the reason that those lunatics got inside."Eli didn't even bother asking if the higher ups were wrong. The amount of stress that Soren was going through and his bitterness at the fact that all the test data was ruined was plain enough. It was too genuine, and he had no motivation to mess up the lab anyway.Soren ended up not eating anything, though his kitchen talents had produced a really excellent pasta dish. He put his plate in the fridge and washed the dishes. He refused Eli's offer to help.Eli returned to the loft for a bit. He needed to finish three different pieces, but he decided to start a new one. All of the pieces in progress were filled with positive emotions, warm colors, and soft, flowing lines. Eli began a piece in a muted black-blue and blood red, something that
reflected this new, depressing, and unwelcome... something that was flowing between him and Soren. He hoped that maybe in painting he could find a revelation that might alleviate this bitter fold in their otherwise happy relationship. He cursed the fools who broke into the lab, as Eli saw those idiots as the reason for Soren's stress and coldness.After an hour, Eli returned to find Soren sitting in a circle of games. It looked like he had gone through half of their library, looking in vain for a world to escape to. Soren quickly picked up the games and slipped into the shower, again locking the door. Eli packed Soren a lunch and laid out clothes, slightly nicer than what he normally wore, and got into bed. Soren returned not long after."I'll be gone all day, so you'll need to fend for yourself for food," was all that he said. Eli nodded and turned his head to surreptitiously watch Soren as he got into bed. Soren turned his back to Eli as he wrapped himself in a blanket. Eli wasn't sure, but he thought he saw his silver shoulders shaking. That all-nighter wouldn't happen this weekend, but Eli didn't care about sex at all right now. He was afraid Soren was breaking under all this pressure.Eli woke up after Soren left. He hadn't used Eli's selection of clothes, but instead had worn his suit and tie. The situation must have been dire if he felt he needed to dress up that much. Eli didn't really feel hungry, so he went up to the loft. In a depressed and creative fervor, he finished the new piece in less than 8 hours. It was, objectively, rather well done. But Eli was disappointed. That painting only worsened his mood, and he found no new revelation into how he could help Soren. The feeling of powerlessness was crippling.Eli's phone rang. He looked at the caller ID, hoping Soren would bring him some good news, or at least, not bad news. It was his Vincent, his agent and the one responsible for setting up his last two auctions. Eli picked up reluctantly. "Yeah?"Vincent's low and smooth voice emanated from the speakers. "How are you?""Fine," lied Eli. His relationship issues were not Vincent's problem."I wanted a status check on your work. The auction needs to be moved up to the 15th of October."Eli's tails bristled. He had forgotten all about his next auction. He had three paintings to finish and a whole pen and ink project to restart. "Are you sure? I had to restart a piece...:Vincent sighed, "Dammit Eli... are you free tomorrow? We can figure it out over lunch or something." Eli and Vincent quickly planned a 3:00 Sunday lunch nearby, and Eli hung up, now weighed down by the prospect of having to rush his art as well as... whatever was happening between Soren and himself.He decided to finish the last three paintings as fast as he could. His work was a tad sloppy in places, but he needed as much time as possible to redo that pen and ink piece that he scrapped.
He was really regretting it now. Soren came back late again, after 9:00. He didn't attempt to cook anything, again shuffling towards that master bathroom. Eli didn't even bother listening to see if he locked the door.Sunday was just a gloomier repeat of Saturday, with Soren leaving early, letting Eli flounder with his art. He made a small bit of progress with his pen and ink, and tried to do his secret project for a bit. He was looking for solace in Soren, even if it was a cheap imitation on canvas. He found none. At two thirty, he slunk down the stairs and grabbed his jacket. He decided it would be easier to walk to meet Vincent.The meeting was short. Eli ate about half his calzone as he talked to Vincent about timing. If he was lucky, he could push it back so he could have a week to finish, but that still threw Eli into major crunch time.Getting a to-go box but forgetting his food at the table, Eli walked back. As he walked through the apartment's garage, he noticed Soren's little blue car was parked in its spot. Eli hurried to the elevator. Maybe he could talk to him and see what happened with the investigation. Eli prayed that it would be good news. Eli opened the unlocked front door and saw Soren sitting irritably on the steps to the loft. He looked up at Eli and pointed overhead. "Upstairs. We need to talk, now/"Eli was afraid of the conflict in his voice, but was eager to talk. He really wanted to attempt to process Soren's stress in any way. Anything to push aside this feeling of helplessness as he saw Soren spiraling down.Soren beat him to the top of the stairs. He pointed a silver claw at the far corner of the room. Eli cringed as he saw that he forgot to cover up his secret project."What is that," asked Soren, his voice deadly soft. Eli couldn't answer properly before Soren began a rant. It was short, but it held every pent up emotion brewing for the last week: all the stress of the break in, all the frustration at having to redo work at the lab, and all of the helplessness that Eli had no idea that Soren was feeling. "Why the HELL were you painting that?! Why the HELL were you painting that when you had an auction lined up in less than a week and a half?! And why the FUCKING HELL did you paint ME without bothering to ask?!" Eli tried to say something, anything to explain himself, but Soren didn't give him time. "I do not want to hear it. Just... get rid of it. Now. I don't care, I just want it gone." Soren stormed downstairs to make dinner.Eli took the canvas and laid it gingerly on the rejects pile. He was sad to see it go. It felt like he was letting go of something precious he may never, ever get back. Eli walked downstairs. Soren was chopping vegetables like each one did him a personal wrong. Eli threw caution to the wind. Decisive action was needed now."Soren, tell me what's wrong," he said, trepidation filling every syllable."I'm fine," Soren lied.
Eli saw through the words like glass as soon as they left his mouth."Soren, tell me," said Eli, now with force in his voice."I'm fine," repeated Soren. He took the chef's knife and stabbed it into the wooden cutting board. It quivered there, menacingly.Eli couldn't take it. He rushed forward. He grabbed Soren by his shoulders and whirled him around. Eli slapped him hard in the face. Then he took both hands and pressed their muzzles together. Eli tried to put every ounce of passion, caring, and love he held for Soren into that kiss. They broke apart and Eli clutched Soren in his arms."Tell me," he cried. "Tell me, tell someone, tell anyone. You're tearing yourself up." Eli felt Soren's tears run down his face as well as his own. He felt both of their shoulders shaking. Eli walked them to their spacious living room couch. He pulled of his shirt as they got to the couch. Not in the sexy kind of way, but Eli knew that Soren had a thing for his chest tuft, at least he did when they slept or cuddled together. He was desperate for something, anything, that might help. He was right. As Eli lay down on the couch Soren placed his cheek on the velvety beige tuft of fur. They both were still crying, but they clutched each other as they lay there. In a way, Eli was enjoying the contact again, even if they were both sobbing, depressed, and lost in feelings of powerlessness. "Tell me," whispered Eli. "Please just tell me."Soren buried his face into Eli's thin chest. His voice was a little muffled, and still shaking a bit. "Did I ever tell you why I don't talk to my parents," he asked. Eli shook his head and made a small noise of dissent. Soren continued. "I was raised by strict Catholic parents. And I was Catholic for twelve years of my life. My whole life I was told that the church had all the answers. But when my dad's dad died in a car crash when I was eight, I was looking for answers about death. I was only told that God had planned his death. That answer felt empty to me, but I accepted it. But then my dad's mom got cancer. It took her three years of painful treatment, but she eventually went into hospice care. I again asked about why my grandmother had to die and go through such awful treatment. They repeated their talk about 'God's Plan.' But when I asked further, they told me I was being impertinent and told me to go away."Eli was unsure where this was going, but he nodded. "Go on," he whispered, stroking Soren's back. It may have been his imagination, but he thought Soren was easing up by a minute fraction.Soren turned his face so the other cheek was on Eli's chest tuft. "I was unhappy with the answers. I examined how I felt about God. I read the bible cover to cover many times. And I realized that my church promised all the answers as long as you didn't ask them. Sure, they would be glad to advise you on a school test, resolve a family conflict, or even relationship advice. But that
was all stuff that could be done by others in the material world. But when you asked about stuff that was spiritual, their so-called domain, they couldn't provide any concrete answers. I felt lied to. I told my parents a month later, a few days after my birthday, that I stopped believing in God."Eli squeezed Soren. "How did they take that?""At first they though it was teenage rebellion. They would sit me down every night and force me to read the bible. It was an exercise in futility. I had read it cover to cover so many times already. Some times I thought I knew it better than them. I kept asking questions. I kept asking why. It just ended in shouting matches and me getting grounded or punished. But I persisted for over two years.""What did they do then," asked Eli, still confused but now invested into the story.They begrudgingly accepted my atheism. When my mom's mother died when I was 17, I didn't kid myself into thinking she was in heaven. She was in a hole in the ground, and in my memories. That was the only afterlife for her."Eli agreed with Soren. He felt that perhaps there was sort of higher power, some being or force that catalyzed the events that created this world, but he felt that Christianity was not an adequate explanation for such things. Eli was still not sure why Soren was telling him this, but he let him go on.Soren hugged Eli tighter. "I started high school. All my friends were dating other people, but I never found any other women attractive. I asked a girl out, but I did it more because I felt like I was obligated to. Our dates never went anywhere. We could both tell we weren't really interested. It was right then that I started noticing other guys. But my parents had told me all my life that liking other boys was wrong. I never told them. I even dated a boy in high school, but through secrecy and dumb luck I kept it hidden. College was easier because my parents were three states away. But I had no real luck there. Never got past the first date."Eli was thinking back to when the two first met, him an incoming freshman, Soren a senior at the neighboring college. Sasha had introduced them. They had always sort of clicked, but Eli swore at the time that the silver fox was into girls. He got on with them so well, almost automatically, and all the girls hit on him for being a shiny. He always deflected them, but it always looked like he was just modest or shy or awkward. He also did seem to enjoy the attention a little bit.Soren raised a hand to stroke Eli's face. "It was the middle of my final semester. I had decided that if I was graduating in a couple months, I really needed to stop beating around the bush. When they came up for a visit after mid-terms, I took them out to dinner. I told them that I was gay, and I told them I knew for a long time. After I said those words, there was this long pause. Then they got up and left.""Go on," was all Eli could
whisper."They sent me this email. It said that they had hoped that I could find the error in my atheism, but that they were too lenient. They wanted me to come home after term ended and not go to grad school. They said I needed to sort out my life before going on."Eli gritted his teeth a bit. He had a feeling he knew what Soren's parents idea of "sorting things out" was.Soren was quiet for a bit. "Coming home was hell. They froze my college savings account, so I couldn't go to grad school. It was surreal... I came home and they welcomed me in, helped me unpack. But dinner that night... that was when things fell apart. They asked me about how I figured out I was gay. They kept saying how I was making mistakes and that I was just confused. They kept insisting that God was the answer. It was like I was twelve again. At dinner, Chris would bring his girlfriend, and she always brought a friend herself. A single friend. After a few weeks, I had had enough."Eli rubbed Soren's back again. "What happened next?""I already had bought my little blue car, and I had some money in the bank, but no job, no leads on internships, and not enough to be able to afford an apartment for any amount of time. I felt too uncomfortable to ask friends for help, as the situation felt too raw to explain. I tried contacting other family members, but my parents had told everyone what was going on. Some said it was for my own good, and some just called me a 'godless faggot.' Except for my Aunt Aly. She didn't care. She said I was family and let me live with her and my cousins for a bit. I had a roof over my head for six months, and I was able to find a job at the lab. She used to live close to here until she moved to Wisconsin for a new job."Soren paused for a minute. "And...now... well... she was diagnosed with leukemia. She's very sick, and I want to visit her. But... well, my family said that I wasn't welcome, and that they would never let me see her. They even said that by making her let me stay with her, God was punishing her for helping a sinner like me."Eli was dumbstruck. He just nodded, rubbing Soren's shoulders now."I called my Aunt, and we talked for a bit, but someone heard who she was talking to. They tore the phone from her and yelled at me. It was... is... hard to deal with. There's nothing I can do. If I drive there I'll just start this huge fight. I want to be there for her, help her in some way. It's not like my being there will make the leukemia go away. It's just... well, I want to return all the support she gave me when I needed help."Eli had a feeling he knew why Soren didn't tell him any of this, but he let him continue, stroking his silver tails and sky-blue hair."But there is nothing either of us can do," whispered Soren. "There was just so much shit going on. None of it was your problem. I didn't want to dump it all on you. You have your own
problems."Eli rolled his eyes inside his head. Soren always did stuff like this. He raised Soren's face up with both hands, gingerly. He looked into those gorgeous blue eyes for a very long time. Both of their eyes were still watery. "When you rip yourself up it becomes my problem. It hurts to see you do that to yourself." He stopped talking for a minute. He lifted his boyfriend up to kiss him. This time he could feel the a small amount of the tension leave Soren with the kiss. "Isn't that why we are living together? Didn't we do that so we could love and help each other?" Soren nodded his head and embraced Eli. "Don't fight these battles alone.""Did you scrap the painting," asked Soren as he returned to Eli's chest."I put it on the rejects pile, that's all.""Keep it," said Soren. "It was really good."Eli felt this compliment was genuine, not a stab at making amends. "Need help with dinner?"Soren got up and retrieved Eli's shirt. "I'm ok. Are pork chops good?"Eli nodded as he pulled on his green shirt. He got up and kissed Soren again. He moved his hands across his body. It was slowly, slowly loosening. The tension and stress was still there, but it was unraveling as the kiss persisted. When they broke apart, Soren embraced him and moved to the kitchen. Eli set the table and went up to the loft again. He retrieved his not-so-secret project from the pile. By the time dinner was ready, he had finished it. If someone looked at it, they would've sworn Soren was jumping out of the canvas. As Eli entered the kitchen, his spirits were lifted, partially by the delicious smells wafting from the plates, but mostly by the fact that Soren was smiling for the first time in days.