Chapter XV: Like I care
Aran's ears drooped and he instinctively tried to hide his face behind Damian. Being forced to wear and use diapers was embarrassing by itself, being reminded of this submission was as such all the more. Jennifer surely noticed this, but purposely did not comment on it.
"I'd better not carry you back upstairs, should I?"
The wolf shivered and shook his head.
"I'll get some supplies from your nursery instead. Will you be okay in the meantime?"
"I guess. Can you put me back down again, please?"
"Of course. Take it easy, little one," Jennifer guided.
With the collie's help, Aran slowly laid back.
"I'll be right back," she said with a wink and she ascended the stairs.
A few minutes later, she returned with what looked like a large messenger bag in her hand. It was not a normal messenger bag, however, since it bore a bone-shaped appliqué with the word "puppy" on the front. Aran soon realized that it was a diaper bag.
The collie rummaged round in the bag and got the necessary items out, starting with a diaper pad. With some pain and a little effort, the canines managed to get Aran's sleeper off. Jennifer took his diaper off as well and cleaned up his private area.
Careful not to put any more physical strain on her charge than necessary, the collie finished up the changing with some puppy powder and a fresh diaper. During the entire process, Aran firmly held on to his plushie, looking at anything _but_at the changing.
"Is the antidote kicking in yet?" Jennifer queried as she zipped up Aran's sleeper.
"Don't think so. It still feels like I'm being slow roasted," the wolf replied with a grunt.
"Have faith, little one. You're not the first charge Kaiser has used this compound on. It has proved itself in the past and it'll work for you as well."
"I sure hope so," Aran scoffed. "This'll drive me mad if it doesn't dwindle soon."
"You'll be okay, puppy. I'll leave you in your sleeper, so you can take a nap whenever you want. We've had a charge before whom has experienced drowsiness as a side effect, so don't be surprised if you feel tired."
The wolf nodded, then waited silently for Jennifer to put everything back in her bag again. When she was done, he spoke up.
"Jennifer, I... I feel so confused."
"What's on your mind, little one?"
He closed his eyes. Making eye contact with the collie was distracting and socially awkward for the wolf.
"Something inside me strongly urges me to hate you and Kaiser. You took me in and treat me like a puppy without my consent, and as if that weren't enough, you're making me give up ursaurine. This pain I experience, the anxiety, the nightmares... is that all part of withdrawal?"
"I'm afraid so, pup. It'll pass, but there's not much we can do besides Kaiser's antidote."
"That's where it gets confusing. My mind constantly screams that I hate you, and Kaiser even more so, b-but... instead of hate, my instinct tells me that I should put my trust in you when I'm scared, and I can assure you that the nightmare I had really scared me."
The wolf paused for a few seconds to find the right words.
"I don't know what you guys are doing to me, and I'd hate you under any other circumstances, but I somehow just can't manage to do it. In the very beginning, I was furious at you, but... I don't understand what I think of it anymore."
Jennifer smiled.
"It's not out of the ordinary that this experience puzzles you, Aran. We're not exactly following any conventional textbook here."
"B-but I can... it doesn't make sense anymore. I'm afraid of what you guys are going to do with me! Normally, I'd fight back, but my body convinces me that I'll be powerless against you. Such thoughts scare me, but you're also the one I'm inclined to seek comfort in. It's like I'm happy and sad at once, or safe and in danger at the same time."
"Don't think too hard about all this, Aran. We've said it before, but I'll repeat it for you: most of your questions will answer themselves. Try to make the most of the present for now, and don't worry about the future. Trust me, I'll take care of you," Jennifer said while scratching Aran behind his ear.
"How can I trust you? And why can't I push myself to say that I hate you? It just doesn't make sense!"
"Easy, little one, don't hurt yourself. Maybe you find it hard to think of me as your enemy simply because I'm on your side. You might find it hard to believe, but I care about you, pup."
"Only because it's your job," Aran nuanced.
The collie shook her head.
"Guarding and enhancing your welfare is my job. Caring about you is something altogether different. Some of my colleagues do this because they want to improve society, others are in all this to give other people a same kind of second chance they received for themselves."
"What about you?"
"That's private. Maybe I'll explain that to you later. Regardless of my motivation, I genuinely care about you, Aran. A few of my colleagues had some hesitations concerning my choice to accept you as my next charge. However, as soon as I actually met you, I knew that there would be no better place for you than here, with me."
"You care_about _me?"
"You could bet your bottom dollar on that, little one," Jennifer said affectionately.
"But how? You barely know me, and I've never done anything for you. How can you care for me, in return for nothing?"
"I'm not going to explain how you're wrong about that, but let's say that what I do for you is not for nothing at all. Trust me and believe that I care for you like a mother would care for her puppy. My other two charges had difficulties accepting that as well, but don't let that disturb you. What I do for you is not a form of theatre play, Aran."
Jennifer remained silent for a moment to let her words sink in.
"Fine, that's enough for now. Are you hungry?"
"Not really, but I'm a little thirsty."
"I'll prepare a bottle for you. Sitting up in the highchair is probably not a good idea right now."
Aran wanted to protest and demand some chewable food, but decided against being fussy. Besides, nursing from a bottle would require only minor physical effort, which was a welcome feat when every move inflicted serious pain.