Chapter XXI: Cycles, chains and timelines
"That's not true, Aran," Jennifer consoled.
She lowered the side of the crib and sat down next to her charge.
"But it is! How can I not be a bad person when I've done all this? I mistreated someone else to cope with my own abuse. Do I even deserve whatever help you and Kaiser are offering me?"
"You do, in fact. I don't believe that you are bad. You did bad things and you think and speak about yourself in ways that are sometimes harmful, but after all this, you still have a grasp of conscience. It must be hard to acknowledge that you have been a bully, but you dared to confess that to yourself and to me."
"You said that like it was an achievement," he scoffed.
"It is, dear. It proves that you know what is good and that you're not afraid to tell the truth."
"That doesn't help me, does it? I just got reminded of who I used to be during middle school, by the very person I unleashed all my unpleasantness on, to give you a huge understatement."
"It does help you, Aran. Like you said, this girl is one of our motives for taking you into our program. Now that we've revealed a part of our motivation, do you understand why you're here?"
"I get why you think I need help, and in a way, I certainly agree that there is some dirt I need to deal with. But I don't want any of this puppy nonsense. I want to leave, Jennifer."
"Treating you like a puppy is an essential part of your treatment, Aran."
The wolf looked at her with a resolute expression in his eyes.
"Give me a reason to stay here."
"You have lived in fear for so long, Aran. I can help you be free of that again, but you're the one that will have to walk your path."
"How can you mend what years of bullying have broken? Let alone the damage my parents caused?
"Pup, I can't stop the rain, but I can stop the tears."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nobody can change the past, but I can help you change your future. I can't do it for you, but I can show you the way."
"Still doesn't explain why you treat me like a puppy. How is that essential?"
"Think of Damian, for example. I gave you a plushie to help you respond to negative emotions such as fear or sadness in a different way. You might not realize it, but you've locked some of your emotions away. Whenever you get afraid or sad, you subconsciously hide behind a wall of anger."
"Do I? I... I've seen enough grief in the past few years to know what it feels like."
"Indeed, but you did not output said grief. Instead, you communicate anger."
"I don't believe you. Give me an example," Aran dared.
"Remember when you moved out? What was the emotion you felt when you left your mother's place?"
"Anger, of course. That's a stupid example. I was mad at her for not standing up for me all these years. Don't I have the right to be angry at her?"
"You do, but that's not your true motivation, is it? Behind that armor of fury lies something deeper. Can you name it, Aran?"
"Frustration. Are you content now?" he spat back.
"No. That's an extension of anger. Think harder, little one."
The wolf pondered for a good minute.
"I guess... it felt like... no. She ignored me, abandoned me while I was practically powerless against my father."
Jennifer nodded.
"What's so good about that?" Aran asked.
"That's what I was looking for, pup. You know what those words indicate?"
He shrugged.
"Sadness. You've had to deal with so much grief that you've told yourself that you cannot take any more of it. Subsequently, to prevent yourself from getting hurt, your instincts tell you to revert to anger and hide behind fury. It's a defense mechanism to block off emotions that you think would otherwise make you weak or vulnerable."
"Is that a good or a bad thing?"
"Neither, actually. It's just the way our nature and instincts work, but you're rendered emotionally damaged nonetheless. Do you want to hear another example?"
He nodded.
"When you first woke up here, in your nursery, gagged and blindfolded, what did you feel?"
"I got that. Of course, I was angry at Kaiser, maybe even at Mason. I didn't know what had happened to me nor who was responsible, but I was angry. However, I think I was afraid as well. Maybe."
"There was another moment when you were afraid, shortly before I first bathed you. Do you remember?"
"Yush..." he said, looking away from the collie. "I didn't want to mess myself, but it eventually happened anyway."
"Can you recall what you did to respond to this emotion?"
"I, um... I think I grabbed Damian. I don't know why, I somehow felt the urge to do that."
"Did it help?" Jennifer asked with a smile.
Aran nodded shyly.
"That's what this is about. We're pushing you out of your comfort zone, into unfamiliar situations, in the hopes that you'll find new ways to deal with the emotions you have locked away."
"So, essentially, you're damaging me until I can defend myself?"
"No, no, of course not. It just... darn. Let me put it this way: you've ran from your fear and grief for years, telling yourself that you needed to be strong. If you wouldn't put up your armor of indifference and anger, your father might have destroyed you. However, it became your second nature. Your anger turned into a glass house, presenting the illusion that it could provide safety."
"Why couldn't it? Before you forced me to withdraw from ursaurine, I was strong enough to defend myself!" Aran reclaimed.
"Only physically so. That glass house cannot protect you, Aran. It's hollow and brittle. If someone hits you hard enough, it cannot dent. It will shatter."
"I wouldn't let that happen. If I'm strong enough, people won't even try-"
The collie interrupted him.
"It's not about people, Aran! There are other ways to get hurt!" she exclaimed. For a moment, Aran saw that she was fighting back her tears.
"People can hurt you unintentionally. Loved ones can become sick or pass away. You can't blame anyone for that, but it'll still affect you. Being angry won't solve that, as it won't help you cope with grief. If you don't learn to deal with every kind of emotion properly, you'll eventually get blown away by a painful event. Your glass house will shatter, Aran."
"What are the consequences?"
"Don't even start to think about something so dark, little one."
The collie caressed his muzzle with the back of her hand.
"I don't want you to shatter, Aran. I love you, just like your mother wanted to love you."
"My mother... wanted to..." he started, but could not manage to get the next word out of his muzzle.
The black wolf broke down into tears, sobbing loudly. Jennifer pulled him close and hugged him, gently stroking his back and whispering reassuring things into his ear to console him. It took a while, but Aran eventually calmed down again.
"How could she... my mother, does she love me?"
"A lot, little one. More than I ever could."
"But she disowned me! Treated me like I didn't exist!"
"No, Aran. Part of what you said about your mother when you left her is true."
"She _did_disown me..."
Jennifer shook her head.
"Aran, your mother is not as strong as you are. Even though you have suffered severe emotional damage, I firmly believe that you'll have a stronger character when you graduate from our program."
The wolf did not know what to say. Jennifer decided to continue her explanation.
"When she was a teenager, your mother was sexually abused by her own father. If she didn't comply, he would hit her until she did. She was terrified of her husband whenever he took his anger and frustration out on you. It reminded her of her own father, therefore she didn't dare to stand up against your dad."
Judging Aran's expression, the collie could see that the truth started to seep into his head.
"Like I said, you spoke the truth. She did tell herself not to care about you, because her husband's abuse would have devastated her."
Aran remained silent for a while, trembling at what he had heard.
"Jennifer... why does it have to be like this?"
"What do you mean, pup?"
"My life. I descend from an abused female and an abusive male. What does that say about me?"
"That's why we're here, to save you from becoming the next link in the Chain."
"You're the second to mention a chain. Are you going to explain to me what it is?"
"I already did, although not completely. We believe that no person is born as bad or evil, but that our personalities are by everything that comes our way, both positively and negatively. When a person is hurt or treated badly, be it physically or emotionally, this instinctively calls for revenge. The implicit craving for revenge is mostly silenced when the hurt is passed on to someone else."
"And the abused... becomes the abuser?"
Jennifer nodded.
"Bad or harmful behavior is part of a downward spiral of negativity, one that can only be stopped when a damaged person deliberately chooses to follow a different path."
"But if revenge is not the answer, how do I get rid of the urge to execute it?"
"Good question, little one. Forgiveness is an important step. Only that will allow you to carry on without feeling the need to serve with the same sauce, so to speak."
"Do you think she'll forgive me?"
"Who? Your mother?"
Aran shook his head.
"Gina."