How We Survive - Arc 1 by traceurfoxer

How We Survive - Arc 1

traceurfoxer, Dalmatian, Female, Gay stuff somewhere, How we survive, Male, Nihilism, Other animals ugh, Ska ska ska, Survive, Tiger, Tw abuse, Tw rape, Weird tags go here, idk

Author's notes: So, here it is. I finally posted the full thing. The other three unrevised chapters remain dead in my scraps.

I worked on this over a period of what was probably 5 years.

5 hard but worth while years. Still not done either.

Arc 2 is underway, just gotta mend it a little.

So anyway, I wrote this specifically during times of complete anguish and desperation. Each character and event is loosely based off people I know and things I have witnessed others go through or have been through myself. But that's not the point.

The point is that there isn't one.

While I am no longer a nihilist, or least think I'm not. I still hold the belief that there isn't anything more valuable than life in itself. The very fact that you are breathing is enough to show the world that you're strong enough to keep doing so.

So don't give up.

Ever.

Credits: Self appraisal aside, there are a few thanks to go around. But I don't want to throw around an specifics as you all know who you are by now.

But overall, I will say that if not for the people in my life who have both helped me, and completely fucking walked all over me and ruined the majority of what could have been a good few summers... if not for you I would not be who I am today and I thank you for that. I thank my friends, my family, my enemies, and my lover. Among the other artists and writers and musicians whose work has inspired me to continue giving a damn about anything at all.

Through the fights in gym class, the cold abandoned Christmas, or that calm drive to get 3 am hamburgers... I breathed the air and remembered that this is how I survive, this is how I'll be remembered, and by the gods...

It was fucking worth it.

How we survive a story by a nihilistic fox

Dedicated to those who are still living through it all.

-John

Chapter One: I'm not coming home tonight

The time of day is approximately 12:31 and 27 seconds on a Monday afternoon. The cafeteria of my high school was packed with hungry students waiting to chow down, have 'wonderful' conversations of how their weekends were and listen to how their friend's weekends were, though; you knew they couldn't care less. I sat at a table by the wall made of glass to give a view of the court yard and looked down at the table with my arms crossed under my hood covered face. I sat alone. Always did. It didn't bother me anymore.

I was an averaged height teenage Dalmatian, supposedly plotting to kill everyone according to the kids. Truth be told that wouldn't be too far from fact. If I had the ability to do it, that is. But then again I suppose killing myself would be more of a benefit, but I didn't have the will to do that either. I was too weak both physically and mentally.

It wasn't always this way. I used to talk to everyone. Now everyone just sits as far away from me as possible, not because they're scared of me or because they don't want anything to do with me, but because I simply won't let them. I'm Jake, you're not so typical American high school student stuck in a society where its 'wrong' to hate social activity involving... ugh... socializing, where its 'uncommon' to spit on the floor in front of the army recruiters who come to the school to brain wash every other student into being a drone like they are themselves, where its 'immoral' to be gay, and where its considered 'unhealthy' to wear a hood over my head in broad daylight because I can't stand for people to see me scowl.

Yeah, so I'm not the same as everyone else and don't want to be. That makes everything I do somehow 'wrong'. I've heard the names: 'freak', 'fag', 'terrorist', 'queer', the list goes on. It's funny how they think they're all so smug because they hate me and can show it but the fact of the matter is I hate them just as much as they do me. Society: a futile idea.

But don't let me bore you with the details of the problems I believe this world is full of. I'll start from the beginning. Then again where to start? I suppose when I was born, back in Texas. I can never say I enjoyed it there better than here, I wasn't there very long anyway. My mom and my dad met late one summer and it was 'love' at first sight, or so they thought. My mother got pregnant with a child, and my father threatened to leave if she didn't abort. She convinced him otherwise and they had me. But we weren't going to be 'one big happy family' as people say these days. My father left my mother there in the hospital. After I was conceived he just up and left as she tells it. I never ask much about him, mostly to keep my mom's mind off it, and simply because I could care less.

Before I was even one year old we moved back to her home town here in California. She got a job and we got a small house. About 2 years later she met Carl, and wasn't long before he became my new step father, and I got a new step brother who was three years older. We all managed to fit in the small house and lived a happy life really, well, for the most part. My mom lost her job when I was just hitting my teen years and Carl had to work late hours. Will, my step brother, was just hitting high school. Believe it or not, all of this was really taking a toll on the 'happy family' picture.

Having to take care of Will and me every evening by herself was taking a toll on my mother. Lucky for her, though, Will met someone at school, a grade younger, Tyler. They met in the cafeteria, Will was simply walking along with his tray of food, heading towards his table, when Tyler, being a very eccentric tiger, declared a food fight on the spur of the moment and threw his apple sauce in the air subsequently hitting Will's face. No one moved. Tyler stood still as well, arm still high in the air from the hurling of the lunch food. Will also stood frozen, foot in mid step. It all seemed like something off of a bad comedy sitcom where everyone stood in freeze frame so the audience could take in the moment and laugh. Tyler helped Will clean up and apologized for his sudden outburst and Will merely found all of this very humorous, the two talked in the bathroom for the rest of lunch and became instant best friends.

It wasn't long before it was back to being just me and mom again every evening. Carl was at work, making money for the food that only mom and I ate, and Will was always off with Tyler. Eventually mom told me that maybe I should get some sort of friends but I always told her that I either just couldn't, or I'd pull the 'perfect son' excuse and say I didn't want to leave her here alone. Either way it was true.

Kids simply never talked to me, and I never talked back. I was happy at least. But she persisted I get out and eventually convinced Will to take me with him and Tyler next time they went out to do... whatever it was they normally did, she had no idea, and didn't seem to care. So there I was, in the back of an old hand-me-down car that Tyler's father gave him, with Tyler at the driver and Will in the passenger. It was awkward being a third wheel. But it was either this or I wandered the streets alone, and I wasn't about to be mugged.

We drove around silently for a good half-hour when I finally broke the silence, "so what exactly are we doing?"

"Nothing," the tiger in the driver seat coyly replied, "absolutely nothing." "And why exactly is that?" I stared at the striped cat with a puzzled look.

"Do we need a reason?" he protested. "Yes, driving aimlessly for an hour isn't really what I had in mind for my evening."

"You just don't see the beauty of it yet. You will," the wolf in the passenger seat added to the protest.

I sat, puzzled, confused and aggravated. It was 7 p.m. and I was stuck in a car with my brother and my brother's best friend, driving around without a destination. This was supposed to have some sort of beauty in it? Silence. We drove through the fall streets of California. Street lights and headlights of cars in the opposite lane passing by, I pushed my face against the window and closed my eyes, listening to the vibrations of the car and the road beneath it. The speakers played some rock song I never heard of, quietly through the air of the car.

Tyler tapped his finger on the steering wheel and glimpsed at me through the rear view mirror, noticing my boredom he asked, "you hungry?" breaking the silence.

My eyes shot open, mostly because he scared me, but also because I noticed I was hungry, in fact starving. I nodded, to no reply after that. We pulled into a drive through Sonic, and soon the air the car was now filled with music and the smell of fast food.

We drove on.

After about another 40 minutes we finally headed home. Tyler dropped Will and me off and suggested I come along next time. I obliged. It didn't take but a few more weeks to really understand why driving aimlessly was considered such an important deal to Tyler and Will. It's because it's something so many people take for granted. It's the feeling of being with people who care about you and having no real goals or obstacles to hold you down. Just driving around and exploring the place you live in now, not making any progress. The whole idea intrigued me.

Eventually those days would come to an end. Years went by and the happy times begin to slowly cease. Tyler lost his job for a time and we couldn't pay for gas. So we just laid around Will's room at home. But soon even that would end. Will left. Unlike me, he had been making a lot of progress with school and work and he landed himself a scholarship with a college for students who knew foreign languages. Will has been learning Japanese. So immediately after graduation he couldn't possibly pass up the chance to go to Japan for college.

I thought I would be alone again, but to my surprise Tyler showed up at the house still. So I still had someone, I suppose, I could call a friend. But even so, life wouldn't stay as happy go lucky as it's been. Will leaving was only the start. Carl lost his job as well. Damn economy. So he had to find some part time jobs. He was also missing his son. He and I never had a decent relationship, so the fact that his son was growing up made him go through his midlife crisis at only 40. But he didn't go golfing or try to do the things he never got to like a normal person would. He started drinking. My mom didn't notice it at first. She didn't see it as that much of a problem. I suppose her father drank or something. I wonder if he ever hit her too. _____________________________________________________________________________________

The time was approximately 8:47 and 30 seconds on a stormy Monday evening. The air was already gloomy. It had been raining for a good few days already. Carl burst through the door. Immediately the air reeked of booze. My mom stood up from her spot on the couch in the living room from the sudden sound of the door being slammed open. She tried to welcome her husband home only to be shoved back down on the couch, slapped in the face, and told not to open her mouth. I was in my room, listening to some CD's Tyler gave me. I heard none of the following events. How I wish I did, I can't help feeling it was my fault.

He took a swig of the bottle he was holding. My mom already had tears running down her face, begging the older wolf to calm down and take a seat and rest, in vein, only to receive another slap to the face. My mother fell to her side on the couch. Another swig. Empty bottle. He peered down into it to make sure that he had gotten the last drop. He had. He threw the bottle at the wall and glared down at the woman who was sobbing on the cushion under her. A hint of fear, regret, and sadness in her wails.

Carl beat my mother for only 6 minutes, 52 seconds. A short amount of time that I imagine felt like an eternity for my mother. I got up to go and get a glass of water. Carl had gone back into their bedroom and passed out on the bed. I stood in the hall way staring into the living room and the bloodied and bruised mother of mine. The tears had stopped by now and she simply stared straight forward at nothing. Blank. I ran to her and asked her what happened and she merely shooed me and told me she'd be fine.

I never understood her especially at that moment. I sat by her and looked down at the floor. I looked up and saw where there was glass broken, some stuck to the wall from the force of the throw and the rest just on the floor below. My mind spun. My heart sank. The man my mother loved beat her.

I felt guilty. But at the same time I had to accept the fact that I couldn't have done anything about it. My mom was never the same. Carl was. He continued drinking, mom never protested. Mom never smiled again, at least not a true one, always empty, and lifeless. I'll never know why she never did anything about it. About what had happened, it's not like she could or did pretend it never happened. But she simply never spoke of it, never thought about it I think. Then again maybe she thought about it all the time and was just so used to it that it became part of her...

I never told Tyler either. In fact I started going to his house instead of him coming over to mine. I feared being home alone with my parents. We'd go to his house in his car after school and then he'd drive me home.

And that's how I lived. I was still happy, somewhat. I had a friend, a best friend really. And school wasn't going all that bad. All I had to worry about was...Carl, I never did get used to calling him dad. I never would. There was just something about having a dad who wasn't really my dad that bothered me. I didn't mind not knowing my father, but someone who wasn't, that wanted to be, didn't roll with me for some reason. I'd never find out why.

Carl never would get a close relationship with me. Mostly because he never tried, but even more so what he did to me on a night much like the one he beat my mother on. I was in my room again, but this time working on some work for algebra. The sound of a door being slammed open was heard, but it wasn't the front door, it was mine.

The time was approximately 11:25 and 16 seconds on a Thursday evening. I looked up to see Carl standing in my doorway, panting heavily, I could smell the whiskey on his breathe from where I sat on my bed across the room.

"Oh god" was all I could think. He was going to do the same thing he did to my mother. So I thought. He walked over and stared down at me, I tried to stand only to be told to sit. I obliged. He leaned over and pinned me to my bed. I tried fighting but he was far stronger, rather, I was just weak. He began tearing at my clothes, and me struggling only helped him out. By the time he had my clothes off he did what I believe no one should have to live through. I had already decided a long time ago I was gay. That was a given. But this... this was the most painful and disgusting experience of my life. All I could do was close my eyes tight and bite my lip till I drew blood to relieve even a fraction of the pain.

By the time he was done he was already gone and out of the room. Sweat, blood, musk and alcohol were all that filled the air around my room. I laid there sobbing, in pain, and bleeding. Broken. I couldn't move. I could hardly breathe. I wanted to die. I couldn't think of anything but the pain I felt.

But I knew I could no longer stay in that house. With a mother who had given up on emotion and an abusive step-father. I needed somewhere to go. I crawled as much as I could over my bed to the night stand and grabbed my cell phone. I called Tyler.

"Sup, buddy," the feline on the other end answered, half tired, half cheerful.

"T-Tyler," my voice was shaky and barely audible.

"You alright?" he asked, hinting the hesitation in my voice.

I sniffed back tears and swallowed the blood from my lip, "Do you think y-you could maybe come pick me u-up," I coughed.

"Wha- it's a little late dontcha think?" he said protesting, hinting more hesitation "are... you ok?"

"I really don't want to talk about it right now. Could you please... just get me out of here?" I was begging.

I'm pretty sure he nodded before he realized I couldn't see it, "alright, I'll be over there in 10" and hung up, I guess he sensed something was wrong and decided to rush.

I built the strength to get up and get some new clothes on; I grabbed my back pack and a duffle bag and threw what I could in it. I crept into the hall and saw Carl lying passed out on the couch and shot immediately back into my room. I sighed. I walked over to my window and opened it up. I hopped out and into the bushes, the twigs tugging at my jeans as I tried to sneak as quietly through the rustling brush quietly, unsuccessfully.

I stood on the sidewalk with my 'luggage' in front of my house as I saw headlights in the distant midnight darkness steadily coming toward me. Tyler stopped the car in front of my house and got out. He walked up to me and noticed my lip, cupping a hand under my chin to get a better look, being the friend he is. I shrugged out of his hand and into the car.

We said nothing on the way to his apartment.

When we reached his place he led me into his room and sat me down on the bed.

"Now, I'm not gonna tie you down but you're going to tell me what happened. Capiche?" he said, almost forcefully.

I sighed and looked at the floor, sniffed once, and then looked up at my best friend, "It was Carl he... well it wasn't the first time he came home drunk..."

Tyler looked at me with surprise and worry.

"The first time he did... he beat my mom pretty badly," I half-blurted.

"Why didn't you tell me?" almost a demand.

"I don't know. I just couldn't bring myself to pull you into it and I guess I just didn't want the police getting involved and me being taken away to some place away from... well I guess you're all I have to lose." It was true he was all I really had left.

"Even so, you could have let me know! If you don't want me to tell anyone then fine. Your safety is what matters to me..." his voice raised a bit, but in a protective way.

"I know. I thank you for that. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But I'm telling you now."

He sighed this time. There was a hint of relief. "Ok. So tell me what happened tonight."

"I..." I bit my lip again, just above the no longer bleeding first bite, "I... he..." I sighed "Tyler..." I looked up at him. Looked him in the eyes. I never looked anyone in the eyes. But I stared into his and he looked back into mine. I fell into him and cried. I had already cried previously, but that was out of pain. This time I wasn't sure rather I was crying out of sadness and fear again, or out of the simple fact that I was relieved to have him there for me. I felt safe around him.

Tyler wrapped his arms around me and didn't say a word. The room was quiet except for my wails. A few minutes later and my wailing was down to a few sniffs and small coughs. I wanted to throw up honestly. I looked up at him again.

"Sorry," why did I apologize?

"It's OK, now just, tell me what happened, I'm not gonna do anything, I just need to know," his voice lowering.

Another sigh, I gulped, "He... gods," I bent over, "... he raped me Tyler," not so much a half-blurt this time.

He sat there frozen. It was as though he already knew, and yet had no clue at all. We sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Breaking the silence, "You know you can stay here, I don't mind and Ban is hardly here." There was a hint of pleading in that statement.

"Thanks," was all I could think to say, and I embraced my friend and didn't let go. Tyler laid down on the bed with me in his arms and I fell asleep. Events of the morning a mystery but what mattered to me was that I was safe in that moment, in my best friends arms, and away from the hell I was once in... for now.

Chapter Two: Beginning in an Ending

And so was my life. I managed to go back to my house and get the rest of my things out of my room while Carl was out. I explained to my mother what had happened and that I was leaving. She simply let me go and didn't said a word. I moved into Tyler's room with him, for some reason we never bothered on finding me a different place to sleep so, I just slept in bed with him. It saved him money and I felt safe.

It was about two weeks after that night. I awoke to the view of a wall I found familiar but, at the same time one I still wasn't used to waking up to. I smelled bacon, eggs, and other breakfast foods that I normally never ate at my old house. I rolled over and sat up realizing Tyler wasn't in the room anymore. Hopping out of the bed, I walked out into the hall and the scent became stronger. The sun shined bright through the open blinds of the apartment windows, cascading a light along the floor in front of the balcony's glass door.

Tyler stood at the open flame stove frying the source of the previous smell in a pan. He whistled the tune to one of his favorite songs that I had heard him play in his car. He had a cheerful look on his face when he saw I was awake. The pan sizzled as the butter and bacon was slowly fried.

I half smiled back, "Didn't know you could cook," trying to start a conversation with, who I believed was, the only person on the earth who would stand to hold one with me.

"When you've lived alone for as long as I have you need to stop living of Chinese takeout and pizza sooner or later," he chuckled.

Tyler was emancipated when he was just 15. His father was a druggie and his mother tried to kill him on more than one occasion. Long story short he finally told someone, got a court case, and was allowed to live outside of his parent's custody so long as he could support himself. Clearly, he's done a good job of that so far.

"Alone, what about Ban?" noting the still asleep roommate.

"You honestly suggesting that Ban knows how to cook, or fend for himself in the first place? He is_living _here under my roof you know," another half-hearted laugh. His cheerfulness was almost too cheerful.

"True," I smirked to myself.

Brandon Glover. Nicknamed Ban after a week-long rant he went on due to his Xbox live account being banned, permanently. He moved in with Tyler after he saw an ad online that Tyler was looking for a roommate. He's a burly built bear with black fur and an attitude to boot. He acts as tough as he can possibly muster around people he feels he has impress but under all that he's just as caring as Tyler.

I never talked to him that much; when I did I was usually flirted with to the point of being uncomfortable. Ban wasn't my type. And even if he was, he was too lazy. He sleeps in during the day and parties during the night. Then, he works on weekends at a local sushi bar. He cleans the dishes.

When Ban tells us he's going 'out' we know what it really means. He's called up one of his fuck buddies and is getting laid. Nothing more to it. The man loves his boys and they love him. It's a wonder none of them have tried to keep anything steady with him... or vice versa.

Tyler laid a plate of food on the table and then made one for himself, "Take a seat and eat up Bud."

He was surprisingly a very good cook. But I didn't savor the taste. I never really could eat slowly; I just tried not to eat as fast as I could. I was finished before Tyler had taken 2 bites.

After breakfast, we sat on the couch in the Saturday sun and watched whatever wasn't a reality show or the news. Some cartoon was on. I didn't watch. I was too focused on the dust particles that were now visible in the morning illumination. I always paid attention to the smaller details in things. I sat and wondered deeply about what those particles once were part of... or who.

Tyler leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, basking in the morning air. I looked up at him, his fur glistening in the light. I never really noticed how handsome he looked in the sunlight until now. Then again I don't think I've never seen him in the sunlight before, all the years I've known him and it was always the same thing. Either we drove in his car late in the evening or we were inside. These past weeks he's been working all day, this was his day off for the month, I only ever saw him late when he came home.

He caught my gazing eye, "Wassup Spots?" raising an eyebrow and using a nickname that god knows how I got.

I shook my head, "N- nothing. What's on the agenda for today?" I didn't really care, anything to avert the subject.

A sigh, "I don't know. Ban has gotta go to work soon so we'll have the place to ourselves. We could laze around all day or go out and see what everyone else is up to."

'Everyone else', applied to Tyler's other friends that weren't then Ban and I. I never spoke to them much mostly because I only ever saw them at Lunch. Once or twice one or two of them would tag alone when we went driving. I'd talk with them to be nice but I never really got to know any of them.

"I'll call up Shelli and see where everyone is heading tonight; they usually have something to do," he hesitated before grabbing his cell phone out of his pocket, "that is, if you wanna go. I know you hate...well getting out at all," he half teased but on a serious note.

"No, I'm fine with it. Maybe it's time I got out for a change. Besides it's not like I don't know your friends. I just don't know them."

He cocked an eyebrow surprised and curious at my uncommon OK with getting out for once, "Heh, alright then," and then proceeded to take out his cell phone and look down his list of contacts until he found the name he was looking for: Shelli Lewis.

Shelli was a vixen. But not the stereotypical ones you usually hear of, if you have. She wasn't a tom boy and she wasn't lesbian, but she was just like all of the other guys. She went where they did, laughed at what they did, and acted like they did. She's just 'another one of the bros' as Tyler has told me once before. She's tough too, get on her wrong side and that's it. But just the same she can be almost like a mother to all of us too, except Ban... no one really knows why, but she doesn't like Ban as much as everyone else, she doesn't_hate_ him, but just doesn't like him as much.

He lifted the phone to his ear and waited. The ring-back-tone was some song I had heard on the radio a few times, I could hear it from where I sat, and Tyler had to pull the phone away.

An answer, "HI TY-TY! Lovely morning right?" the eccentric voice on the other end exclaimed. Tyler never had to put the phone back to his ear.

"Y-yeah, anyway," he cleared his throat, "what are we doing today? Jake's moved in and we're just wonderin' what everyone's up to tonight."

"Hm? Jake? Seriously? Wait is he there?! Can I talk to him?!?! Tell him I said hi! Hi Jake!" Shelli always thought I was too cute to bear.

Tyler must have had the phone a good 2 feet from his face, "Yes he's here, and he can hear you. You're quite loud, what's got you so jumpy anyway?"

"Not much," she replied almost before he finished his sentence, "just a decent amount of caffeine in my system, three coffees, 4 monsters, the works."

"That's 'the works'? Why the massive intake?" he started getting off subject.

"I don't really know," there was a hint of blankness in that statement.

"Right well, anyway, about tonight," back on subject.

"Oh right tonight," still slightly jittering in her voice, "well we're planning on going over to Caspian's tonight, he wanted to hang out and his parents just put in some new sound system so he wanted us to go over and check it out," the jittering had slowed, the rush must be ending.

"Alright, sounds good then, see yah there," Tyler sat up slightly.

"Kay," and with that she hung up.

Tyler closed his cell phone and laid it next to him. He looked at me, "Shelli says 'hi'," and laughed a bit. I sat and laughed a little myself, hiding a smile.

Through the rest of the day we drove around town, bought some snacks for tonight then headed back home and waited for someone to call and give us the okay to come over. Ban had gotten home and now joined us on the couch.

The bear yawned, stretching his arms out along the back of the couch just behind Tyler's head, his arms were so long his hand was behind my head, "So what's the plan this evenin'?"

"We're heading to Caspian's, apparently he's a got some new sound system he wants us to test out," Tyler shifted and leaned back, not minding the arm behind him. Gods, did we look like a bunch of bored-off our ass room-mates. Then again, we were.

I scooted myself deeper into the couch but even more so closer to Tyler. For some reason I made sure all day that I wasn't too far away from him. Something inside was pulling me like a magnet towards him, I guess after being 'rescued' by him I feel like I'm only safe when I'm near him.

Tyler noticed my shift but didn't pay much mind. He reached forward and picked up the remote off of the coffee table and flipped on the T.V. The screen of the small, seemingly old and cheap, television set blinked on and the visuals and audio were heard accordingly. We sat and watched cartoons, that seemed to be the only thing any of us watched.

It was only about 15 minutes, some show with an alien disguised, badly I might say, as a 'human' was in mid play and the alien was trying some plot to ruin his enemies life by replacing objects in the past with little rubber piggies, it backfired every time. It had only taken us 5 minutes to decide we didn't like it all that much but continued to watch.

Tyler's cell phone rang, another song from the same band I always hear him listening to was his ringtone. The screen lit up and displayed a name: Shelli.

Tyler flipped up his cell and held it to his ear, then pulled it away immediately remembering the previous call, "Sup Shelli? We heading up there yet?"

A loud bass beat could be heard in the background not too distantly, "Where are you guys at?!?" the vixen's voice almost blended in with the noise.

"Wha- are you already there?" Tyler had a puzzled look on his face.

"Yeah! This sound system is amazing! Get over here!" With that she hung up.

Tyler shrugged, closing his phone and standing to put it back in his pocket, "Well," he stretched, we had been sitting for some time, "let's head out."

I sat in the back seat, Ban called shotgun, I sighed. I had a strange feeling of regretting going anywhere, but I'd rather not hurt Tyler's feelings, he seemed happy that I wanted to get out for once, not to mention he had grabbed one of his favorite CD's to play there. And I'd rather not be stuck at the apartment alone.

I leaned my face against the window as I normally did, it was warm from the summer air. Tyler played the radio instead of his usual CD tracks which wasn't unusual; sometimes he liked to listen to something other than the same band... fifty times a day. Not an understatement.

I sat up, my face was getting hot. Glancing, I saw Tyler's face in the rear view mirror. The street lamps lighting up his face with each pass then darkening again as they flew past. His eyes were averted at the street and focused one where he was heading, a serious look on his face, I hinted anxiousness though. Why was it so easy for me to study him? I never looked at anyone else like that.

Suddenly the car came to a slow as we turned into a neighborhood, not gated, but walled all the same. We drove past two large pillars that indicated an entrance. The car turned through a few streets and finally came upon a very large house. White walls, large windows, all blinds shut, lights on and a fountain in front. Damn rich people.

Before any of us even got out of the car the door opened up and a fairly well dressed arctic fox stepped out. Caspian Oswald, Ozzy, was the rich kid of the group, he couldn't stand it, but no one would let him move out of his parents' house because, well, he was rich and everyone loved his stuff. He's also Ban's only legitimate ex-boyfriend, no one knows how he achieved such a 'high honor'.

"Shelli told me you were on your way," he smiled when he sighted Ban, "she would have called earlier but she started fidgeting with everything and kind of forgot." It was true that she was, while the same song played we all heard the effects changing as it did, bass turned up, then back down, then reverb was added, then for some reason laser gun noises were added, then all back to normal, then an assortment of other effects.

"Well, I brought some CD's and snacks," Tyler held up the grocery bag filled with Chex mix and returned the smile that wasn't meant for him.

"Well, c'mon inside," Ozzy waved for us to come inside and we obliged. His was massive, but not too massive like mansion massive, just bigger than an apartment or a one story house. We walked up the stairs that were to the left and up into the room where everyone normally hangs out. The music was pouring out of the speakers, loud and booming but tolerable.

I sat on the couch, and looked around, I'd only been here a few times. Tyler would bring me here against my will usually and I'd just sit in this usual spot on the couch and watch everyone hang out, talk of random subjects and eat whatever food we either brought or had. Ozzy's parents were almost never home and they didn't mind Ozzy by himself, he kept the place clean or just left and spent the night somewhere else.

Tyler sat next to me and before he could get comfortable Shelli jumped in between us and screamed my name wrapping her arms around me giving me an embrace I didn't know rather to enjoy or detest. I could hardly breathe due to her cursed female anatomy. This is why I didn't date girls. They always thought Dalmatians were cute and always hugged me. Eventually it got to me and I was sick of it. When I did have friends I made certain they were all boys and never girls, people thought it was normal for young children to separate themselves based on sex, it was only normal, that we'd get over it. Well it stuck for me.

When the embrace was finally cut short by Tyler pulling the once-again-hyped-on-caffeine vixen off of me. I gasped for air. And she continued to struggle with Tyler who managed to pull her over to his side and she pouted.

"No fun at all the two of you," she scowled.

I sat and looked around the room not listening to her. It's not that I didn't enjoy Shelli's presence; it's that I didn't enjoy anyone's presence unless it was Tyler. She finally stopped complaining and she and Tyler got into a conversation about a subject I couldn't place. Ban had started a conversation with Ozzy and I could tell it was awkward for him to be talking to his ex like it was normal. I never did get the story off of those two. As for the other three guests who must have car pooled here with Shelli, there was Kristophe Grye, Pat Nguyen, and Jasmine Smith.

Kristophe, Kris, was a German shepherd, who, go figure, grew up in Germany. Tall, menacing at first look, and almost never laughed. Even I laughed sometimes. But I never saw him laugh, even at the funniest of jokes. He had a stronger hold on anarchy then I did, and had an obsession with wanting everything to be obliterated. He, to put it simply, was a nihilist. To put it even simpler, he didn't believe in the consequences of his actions or that living 'for the better' would get him anywhere. He was the oldest in the group only by a year.

Pat was the shyest of all of us. A grey tabby just a few months younger than me, he wasn't antisocial like me, he didn't hate, he feared. No one knows, or will ever know why. He always had his knees to his chest and stood with his hands in his pockets and his arms glued to his sides. If he was told to take them out, he merely crossed his arms and looked at the ground. He never really pouted about anything and wasn't childish, but just afraid of the slightest things. Thought, I once saw him kick a senior in the face for shoving him in the hall. Maybe he was having a rough day.

Jasmine was just over the level of scary that Kris was already king of. A rabbit with brown fur, she spoke very darkly, one of those poetry-Goth type people but minus actually writing poetry. When she spoke it was enough. The way her voice sounded was dark and yet enlightening, she never downed anyone or anything, she had a keen love for life as it is and accepted those who were different. She wore black skirts and shirts, had many piercings that I figured would be a waste of time to count or ask. She was often seen writing or doodling on, not a note book specifically for it, but whatever she could find to draw on. She used to believe that it was pointless to change what already is, but Kris and his anarchistic antics explained to her otherwise: "Destruction is creativity" he told her, and that changed her thoughts on the subject.

Everyone sat or stood in different spots in the room, the music still playing, Tyler's CD this time, more Rise Against, it didn't bother anyone, they saw it coming knowing Tyler. No one ever really got up and danced or moshed, per say, considering Ban and Kris would both do so anywhere else, but everyone was relaxing on this Saturday evening. I suppose everyone has needed to just sit and think about things lately.

I started to zone out and my mind drifted while the music began to muffle. For some reason pictures of the street lamps from the drive kept flowing into my head. Following that was the image of Tyler's face and the lights traveling past. Soon the lights stopped passing and it was just Tyler's face. By this point the music was completely inaudible and all I was thinking about was Tyler. Why? I didn't have a clue. I didn't really care at the moment. I guess it's because I've long decided that there wasn't anything else worth being on my mind but him.

I was shaken from my gaze by a hand on my shoulder and I bolted upright at the sudden touch. I heard Tyler give me his usual chuckle and ask if I was alright.

"Yeah, just day dreaming," or was it night dreaming? The sun was gone.

"Well, I'm not gonna force you to socialize or anything, just try to have somewhat of a good time," he leaned back and put an arm on the back of the sofa. Did I sense concern in his voice?

Kris and Pat were on the other side of the room, the tabby cat just close enough to the shepherd that they may as well have been cuddling. One would say they were a pretty cute couple but, I've been told that Kris had no interest in dating. Pat was however, but, obviously, too shy to say anything. He just sat with his legs to his chest tightly bundled up, Kris's arm around his shoulder, listening as the foreigner chatted about something I couldn't hear over the music.

Jasmine sat on the floor in the middle, she was rolling a dice for reasons I didn't know and probably wouldn't ever find out. As for Ozzy, he was just reading the instructions on the new sound system trying to find out how to work it.

The night went on like this for a few hours until we all managed to somehow group together around the center table.

"So what's everyone been up to?" the destruction loving shepherd next to me broke the not silent, music filled room. His German accent thick in his voice. I'll never know if this was stereotypical or not.

"Work," more than half the group replied. All except for Jasmine, Pat, Ozzy, and I. We were the only ones without a job, mostly because I was in no hurry to get one, Jasmine couldn't get one, they never called back, Pat was too scared to go out and look, and Ozzy was rich. "Well, I just got of parole myself," the nihilist sat back and smirked, placing his hands behind his head, "blew up my old motorcycle." His accent made it sound like he enjoyed this more than anything, then again, maybe he did.

No one found this shocking but me. Then again I didn't know at the time what the existence hating dog was really capable of, "You were only put on parole for it?"

"Yup. I guess the judge was afraid that I'd blow him up too if it was any worse. Besides, I didn't want the piece of trash anymore. I had it paid off anyway, it was mine. Then again, property is theft," his anarchistic phrases always stuck with me, mostly because of his accent creating a tone that you could probably never get out of your head.

"Well what about the three of you who don't have jobs," the nihilist wrinkled and snorted his nose, leaning forward to stare all of us down.

Jasmine pulled out the dice again and rolled it on the floor ignoring the advance. I just laid back and said, "Nothing," which for the most part was true.

Pat looked up and began talking, hesitantly, "I- err-," he bit his lip, "never mind," and with that he leaned back into his spot in the recliner he sat in.

"C'mon out with it kitten," the nihilist teased.

"I haven't done anything either, except-," he caught himself and leaned back again.

"Bah, forget it," Kris laid back in disappoint of the tabby.

The night went on in the cadence of the music as everyone just sat and relaxed in the vibrations of the bass and speakers. The night grew darker and we decided to head back to the apartment, without Ban. He had other plans and decided to stay there that night and keep the arctic fox some company. I' wouldn't find out why or what.

I sat in the front passenger seat and rolled the window down, holding my hood tightly over the top of my face so it didn't fly off. The cool midnight air breezed through and into my face, I closed my eyes, not minding. My wind bathing was interrupted by the window rolling up suddenly and I looked over to Tyler who had the controls for it on his side. I then noticed the car had stopped.

I looked at him in confusion, "what's goin' on?"

He sighed and leaned his head down on the steering wheel, "Nothing, I just need to think for a second."

I unbuckled myself and leaned over putting a hand on his shoulder, "everything O.K. stripes?"

He looked up and at me, "No- I don't know, maybe, but I-," he stumbled on his words, and inhaled deeply, "I just need to know if you're as O.K. as you keep telling me you are. I mean Jake, he... I mean, you're just gonna shrug all of that off to the side and pretend it didn't happen? You were raped Jake, I mean, doesn't that kind of crap always have an effect on people, I know you didn't enjoy it, I saw the pain you were in. But these past weeks you've acted like it didn't happen."

I was surprised he hadn't brought it up sooner, "I- I'm already mentally fucked up. What happened did affect me, but... I guess just not in the way it normally does for people. I pretend it didn't happen because I don't want to remember it. I want to forget it all, I'm living with you now because I want to start a new life, I'm sick of the shit I went through at that house. I needed to get out of there. Besides, I... feel safe with you Tyler. Only you," my voice was low, but audible.

His eyes caught mine and I was staring into them again, "Well that much I figured, we sleep with each other every night and The only time I'm not around you is when I'm at work or in the bathroom. And even so you still manage to come to the store anyway and have lunch with me. It was obvious you couldn't stand not being around me. But is running away really the answer?"

"I'm not running from anything Tyler, I'm just... running towards. Towards a new life and trying to get over all my problems," my voice raising slightly, but not offensively.

"But what about Carl? Are you just gonna let him get away with all this?"

"His life is already a living hell, he'll end up in jail or something when time comes for it. If I've learned anything from Kris it's that the court system is ineffective, and as Jasmine would say: revenge comes to those who wait."

"Well-," he paused in realization, "well I guess that means you're actually socializing, maybe you are getting something out of this," he chuckled a bit.

"Yeah, now can we get home? I need a shower, and some sleep," I was trying to avoid any other comments that would force me to think too much.

"Yeah, yeah we can, I just really needed a lot of things clarified," he leaned closer to me and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me close against him, and nuzzling into my shoulder. I've slept with Tyler every night for the past 2 weeks and never felt this close to him. His arms felt warm around my waist and back and I returned the embrace seeking more of the warmth. My eyes closed for a moment and I started to lose myself in the moment, but then they shot open in sudden realization.

It took but a few seconds for all the pieces in my head to finally realize why I had been acting so...well less than my usual normal lately. The past two weeks I had been constantly around Tyler and expressing how safe I felt around him when the truth was, that was all bull shit. I never felt safe, how could I? I practically lived in the ghettos of my city. Every day on the news was a new murder or mugging or robbery case. Tyler couldn't possibly protect me forever... but he could easily keep me happy. And that was the realization of it all.

I never really knew what it was like before, I never knew anyone to feel that way in the first place. Tyler was more than my best friend, he was one of my only friends, I wasn't close enough to the others or even Ban to consider them more than acquaintances. But Tyler has become closer to me than anyone and now, here I was in his arms as usual, and only just now thinking these thoughts that, maybe I had been thinking all along but never really noticed.

It was more than safety, more than friendship. It was the one thing I had needed my entire life. The one person. And I finally found that person. I was in love with Tyler.

Chapter Three: This is how it goes

I sat in the kitchen, if that's what you'd call an apartment with part of the floor that's tiled and a few kitchen appliances, and a small table bought from IKEA. It had been a good few months since that night and I had managed to start getting out more with Tyler and his friends, or were they my friends too now? I couldn't tell.

The summer was starting to come to a close and the windy nights begin to gust in again. Not cold, but windy and less hot. School was going to be starting soon and that meant another year of countless teachers bickering about me not listening, and jocks calling me fag behind my back. I didn't care anyway, I had friends for once, I was living with Tyler, and I was happy again.

The days started getting shorter as school neared closer. Tyler was anxious because this was his last year, and as for me, I was as emotional as I was the last two years of high school: Not at all. I didn't like, nor dislike school. I needed an education, but I hated the conformity of it all, but I'm not going to start on that.

One long weekend and the bells were ringing in the school. Tyler pulled into the parking lot and stopped in the place he normally parked every year, untouched by any other car since he started driving. He stopped but didn't get out. He looked over at me and sighed.

"You know, you don't have to come here, I'm not going to force you, and you're not living with your parents anymore, you don't have to go through all the shit you have been the past couple of years. I know how it is for you," he was calm.

"I know I don't, but getting a job nowadays is impossible without some sort of education. Besides... I'm used to the ridicule," I lied.

The conversation ended there with a sigh from Tyler and we got out and headed towards first period, physics. Upon stepping through the door I already knew where I'd be sitting. Alone and in the back. Not like I didn't listen, but I never had to look the teacher in the face. I sat down and took out a pencil, tapping it against the table.

The door swung open, "Sorry I'm late, being placed on hall duty on the first day of a new year with every freshman in the building frantically trying to find their class is what I was looking forward to," the hyena stepped behind his desk and laid down a messenger bag and cussing under his breathe, everyone heard it though.

Hm, clearly hates his job, has a sense of humor, maybe physics won't be such a horrible way to start off the day. Then again, coming to school was bad enough. The class went on with the usual introduction to the course and all the other "safety regulation crap", the hyena, Prof. Ed as he told us to call him, stated himself. None of the other teachers were as interesting as him. The rest of the day went on about the same. I have the same lunch as Tyler...and everyone else.

Weeks had gone by and I was starting to get used to the usual routine again, waking up, next to Tyler of course, that was always a highlight. Forcing myself out of bed, however, eventually I had to get used to. Go to school, get through 5 classes, have lunch, then a few more periods and it was off to the apartment, I had to walk home when Tyler had work right after school because his job was on the other side of town from where I was heading. It wasn't a long walk so I didn't mind. Then again I never paid mind to what part of the city we lived in, and as I've mentioned, it's not good.

The streets were smothered in crime. The police were horrible at their job, and only a few people would do vigilante work. None on our side of the block. But none of the thugs would come out in the day, not like there was any difference, I guess it was just something they were drawn to. Darkness. It was an odd subject on my part because I never found it bad. Never scary, even Will was frightened by it when he was younger. The lack of any light source. But yet all you see in movies and books and religious nut case lectures: Darkness is the root of all evil, its feared and is to be avoided. Maybe that's why thugs were drawn to it.

It was a Friday afternoon, English class. A teacher was chewing Pat out and there was no way I was going to stand for someone yelling at Pat because he won't speak up, because everything scares him. Pat had tears running down his face and the teacher just rambled on about how Pat might as well be a mouse, offending the mouse sitting in the third row. I stood up. The teacher, Mr. Wright looked at me sharply and told me to sit down.

I told him, "Go to hell you sick fuck. Leave him the fuck alone or so help me I'll make sure of it you never speak again, then you can go on talking like Larry." Noting that the mouse again in the third row, still offended. With that I sat down, Mr. Wright walked over to his desk and picked up the phone, dialed the office and told them I'd be there in a few minutes.

I was sent to the guidance counselor. An ocelot, she was nice, pretty and had a smile that for some reason could cheer anyone up. She wasn't but just out of one year of college when she decided that she'd get a job as a counselor and help out anyone while she was still young enough to understand what any of us went through these days.

"So, you cussed out a teacher hmm?" there was a bit of a nonchalant tone from the feline.

I pouted to the side, "Yeah, he had it coming." I kind of seemed like a pissed off eight year old who was completely confident of spilling his apple juice on some little girls dress in elementary school. But I was dead fucking confident.

"Well, that may be so, but is it really worth a week of detention?" concern but also confusion in her voice.

"A week? That's all they gave me? Heh," that 'Heh' wasn't a good 'Heh', "Well no one makes Pat cry like that, Kris would have murdered him... and I'm not over exaggerating. "

"I wouldn't be surprised, Kristophe comes in here to see me on a daily basis. And no a week wasn't what they gave you, it's what they would have given you. You're being required to come and see me once a week for the rest of the year from now on."

"What? Why? I cuss out a teacher and they give me a psychiatrist?!" I had never liked someone forcing me to open up to them about things.

"Just to talk. They want you to talk to me for the same reasons as Kristophe, not to force you to change, but to hear what you have to say. I don't tell anyone anything the students tell me. It's not like you're going to get in any more trouble then you're already in. I'm just here to listen to what's going on in your life and to help you if needed." That was her very job description if I'm correct.

I sighed. I suppose it wouldn't kill me. I mean if Kristophe wasn't talking to her there's no telling what he could have done by now. So I told her everything. Well, as much as I could tell her in a few hours, by the time I was done it was late into the evening, Tyler was still at work so I had to walk home.

The streets were dark and all that lit it them were the street lamps that cascaded it's length and gave not much but a dim spotlight circle under each one. I walked down the quiet, cracked concrete, sidewalk. The sounds of stray animals rummaging through trash. But it never hit me that, what happened next, would... well happen.

I was maybe 5 blocks from the apartment complex when a dark silhouette appeared in the distance. I didn't pay much mind to it until I noticed it getting closer, and fast. I became so concentrated on the mass that was coming towards me that I didn't notice I had stopped moving. Until it finally got close enough for me to see a familiar looking feline running towards me, screaming, "RUN!", and then passing me without looking back.

I turned and looked at Pat run. Then turned back around only to see a fist directly in front of me. I was on the ground in an instant. I started to get up and soon felt the distinct feeling of rubber, to the face. Kicked. Down again. I felt my pockets being ruffled through. Was I being mugged? Was Pat almost or... was and was running afterwards.

I started to get up again, my face hurt and I'm pretty sure I felt blood running down part of it, wasn't sure where, adrenaline was starting to rush through my body. But alas, another attempt to regain my stance failed and I felt a punch, much harder than the first, straight into my gut and the wind was knocked out of me. My vision blurred but I could see there was another figure, they were still searching my pockets, I guess I looked like the kind of kid who actually had some sort of possessions to his name.

Any money I ever got was a few bucks from Tyler to either run errands or get lunch. As for anything else valuable, well I simply didn't have anything worth it. I was hoping that by the time they realized this they'd leave. They didn't. It only pissed them off even more.

I found myself slammed up against a wall and then held there, I didn't have the strength to resist any more anyway. I found myself being punched repeatedly in the gut and in the face until I felt blood spurting from my throat and my face dripping all the same.

It felt like an eternity, blow after blow, these guys could have probably gone for hours. But something interrupted them. I collapsed to the ground, unable to see, speak or move. One of my assailants asked who was there to no reply. Then I heard a brawl begin. I wasn't sure who it was at first, until I heard one of them screaming bloody Mary that his arm was broken and I heard a few more punches, and I'm almost positive I heard teeth being cracked, and not against a fist.

Then I heard a laugh, almost too maniacal. Then it hit me, almost as hard as the punches. Using what strength I had left I looked up to see a familiar nihilistic canine looking down at me, blood dripping from his ripped knuckles clotting the fur on his fists. It was Kristophe. Pat must have found him and had him come looking for the two, or me, I'd never find out.

Concern in his eyes as he lifted me off the ground and over his shoulder. I heard a small conversation, or perhaps an argument between Pat and him. I blacked out, waking up the next morning in the bed I normally sleep in. Only a few hours had past, I could see Tyler outside in the hall talking with Kristophe, Pat was sitting on the bed side next to me, Band-Aid wrappers on the floor and a bloodied, soggy wash cloth on the night stand.

I figured trying to say anything was useless. Then again I couldn't talk anyway, my throat burnt with my own blood. Tyler noticed my chocking whispers and turned, walking into the room and sitting down next to Pat, who left accordingly to talk with Kristophe, immediately I heard the two in the distance arguing over calling the police or not.

"Hey," Tyler's voice was calm, he stroked the top of my head and I think I saw a tear form in his eye, "c-can I get yah anything buddy?" He was shaking.

"Just some water," my voice raspy, I coughed.

He simply nodded and left, coming back moments later with what at the time, looked like the elixir of the gods to me. Tyler sat me up and I drank the water as fast as I could, wanting desperately to be able to breathe without a burn in my throat. I out the glass down, gasping when I couldn't drink anymore.

Tyler softly pat my back. It's been months since I've seen him this worried about me. Though this time there wasn't rage behind it like I sensed the last time. This time it was more concern for my well-being. Then again, I had no idea if I was fine or not.

No words were said for some time. We just sat there. Tyler still stroking my back and me desperately craving a shower. I wasn't going to take one until Pat was gone or his bandage work would go to waste.

Pat and Kristophe eventually left, I'm still not sure where either of them stay. They decided the police getting involved would only complicate things even more, besides Kris gave them theirs anyway. Tyler on the other hand didn't care who got what, and it seemed like his soul purpose on life had just been decided: to stare me down, making sure I was O.K. Though, I didn't mind that.

I had accepted my feelings for him, though I didn't show them all that much. I never did know rather Tyler was interested in guys or not, we never talked about it. I never felt like I needed to know, but lately that's been all I needed to know. He sat next to me, I was turned facing the wall, but I could feel his eyes burning a hole through me.

I eventually fell asleep, only to be woken up to find the wall that I fell asleep to, which was lighted, was now out of my vision. It was dark so I waited for my eyes to adjust before I thought about sitting up. While waiting however my concentration left the wall and focused on the faint sound of sniffing from just behind me. I think I heard a swear word or two in the middle.

I sat up, "T-Tyler?" reaching out into the dark until my hand caressed a back that I was all too familiar with.

A sharp gasp of surprise and Tyler turned sharply to see me. He cleared his throat, "H-hey," a sniff, "you up huh? I, um, I wake you" yet another.

"Maybe," I didn't care, I scooted closer to where he sat at the edge of the bed and wrapped my arms around him and looking up at him, "this isn't your fault you know. It- this- shit happens O.K.?" My words were stumbling.

"Yeah, I know," he sighed, his voice still shaky, "I just can't help but feel like I could have done something, though I know I couldn't have. Kristophe should have gotten there so-"

"Kristophe isn't to blame here either. No one is. It happened, I'm alright, and that's what matters," blaming Kris wasn't didn't seem normal of him.

"I- I know. I just...," another sigh, "I don't know, I've never seen you like this before. Even after you were," he choked on his words, "... well you've never been this hurt. When Kris brought you in and laid you down and I got a look of you... I almost asked him to let me borrow a gun."

"Tyler...," I knew he was serious. He's told me before that he'd kill for the people he cared about, especially me. It was also a known fast that Kris, being the chaos loving anarchist he was, had a large arsenal, "don't do anything you'd regret especially for me." I leaned in and embraced him as tight as my weak body could.

"I know. But I still just wish I could have been there for you," he returned the embrace, holding me like I was the most fragile glass on the planet at the time.

"Well, you couldn't have been. But you're here now and that's what matters to me," I looked up at him, the tears had stopped, one drop stopped half way down his face and I reached up and wiped it off, he had never, in all the time's I looked him in the eyes, ever looked any more... words didn't describe.

He chuckled and gave my forehead a friendly nuzzle. But it's not what I wanted, and I was slowly beginning to realize that I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I looked up at him and without thinking said, "Tyler...."

He looked down at me smiling, "Yeah?"

My mind went blank, "I love you," my eyes never left his.

He didn't even look confused, didn't even cock an eyebrow, "I know," he leaned down and almost whispered, "I love you too," and with that he was kissing me before I even tried to him.

It was a simple kiss, nothing more to it. But it was the most intimate thing I had ever felt in my life and I melted into it. I fell into him and he accepted me. He fell onto his back on the bed and I laid on his chest as I normally did every night. But I never slept more calmly in my life that night.

With that I thought I was the happiest person on the planet. I had been raped, mugged, forced into involuntary therapy and had the worst and loneliest childhood someone could possibly have. But I was in love and actually happy.

I didn't think life could get any better.

Chapter Four: We Are Alone In A City

Tyler sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He stretched out with a yawn, showing off his bare fur and muscles to the air of the morning. I didn't get up, he didn't expect me to though. The mornings have become a new routine for him since I dropped out of school. He'll wake up to the sound of his alarm, as will I. Kiss me on the top of my head, without saying a word he'll just get up, stretch, shower, get breakfast, then get dressed, then I'll hear the front door open and close, and I won't see him until 4 or so.

It had been a good month and a half since the major shit storm of events in my life. But, everything has seemed to calm down from there. I debated it for a week of sitting in class staring out the window, I didn't bother with any of the work. My teachers didn't bother with me either. So, I went to see my councilor and told her I was leaving.

"Well, I don't expect you to stay after all you've told me." Ms. Stewart was pretty understanding, not like many councilors who'd normally try to make you stay in school. She knew there wasn't anything she could do. Opportunity for me wasn't going to be found in these walls.

She signed for my leave and I was gone. I walked out of her office, found the nearest trash can, and dumped my backpack into it. Then, I walked out the front doors and home. I sat on Tyler's and my bed, took off my shirt, and laid down exactly where I was just a few hours ago. I smiled.

I've been trying to keep myself busy, so I've been playing some of Ban's video games, at least trying to. Turns out I really don't have much of a hand for them. I've found myself taking walks around town, regardless of past events I seemed not to be so afraid of what could happen, and in fact I've found myself interacting with people with a little less of a distasteful attitude.

Things have just settled into a different kind of daily routine, and one where I see more sunlight than usual. I guess it's what I've needed. That 'big change' I've been expecting. A new home, no school to hold me back, and Tyler. It's all I've needed and now, I can see the world without it being shaded under a hood.

I figured that things weren't going to get any worse. That the days could only get better and that all the hardship was over. Tyler would graduate, and maybe go to college, and we'd just kind of live off of what we could. But, a phone call would change all of that.

The time was approximately 4:34 P.M. and 28 seconds, a normal Saturday afternoon. I was watching Tyler and Ban play some games when the sounds of explosions and guns was drowned out by a repetitive ringing of a telephone. Tyler answered it with an enthusiastic, "Hello?", his grin only widening to hear the voice on the other line.

All I heard was the one sided conversation, "How've you been? About the same, Jake's moved in and we've been just trying to make it by ya' know? Actually he dropped out recently. Yeah, well, we saw it coming. Really? That's great! Oh yeah, he'll love to hear it," then his face went grim, "Also, there are some things you need to know that have happened. I'll have to tell you when you get here. Yeah. Okay. Well I'll see you soon. Later." With that, he hung up the phone and looked at me, smiling again.

Annoyed by this point on wondering who he was talking about me to, "Who was it?"

Tyler simply smiled and sat on the couch, reclaiming his place next to Ban and I. He leaned back, putting an arm around me and just said, "Will."

So Will was coming from Japan to visit. Well, that wasn't much of a big deal except for the fact that he has no idea of the state of his father and step mother. Though, neither did I, come to think of it. But, regardless, he deserved to know of what happened, but how he'd react... we had no idea.

It was only a week later, Tyler and I were watching pointless TV shows and just wasting the weekend away in the quietness of the apartment since Ban was gone for the day. A knock broke the silence. Tyler answered the door to see Will, almost as if he hadn't aged a day save for the goatee he had grown. They greeted each other with a hug and almost immediately started to talk about things.

I just sat awkwardly in the midst of it all, the two walking over to join me on the couch.

"So, Jake," Will acknowledging my presence, "How'd you manage to get out of the house? Would have figured they wouldn't have just let you leave all of a sudden right?"

The atmosphere in the room suddenly intensified, you could feel the air dense. Tyler shot a look at me, one that said, "Oh shit." I gulped and figured I respond the way I normally did to any question. I didn't.

Will noticed I wasn't responding, "Ja-?"

"Uh, listen, we'll talk about that later, yeah?" Tyler, avoiding the subject, "for now, it's good to have yah back here."

Will was normally one to catch Tyler's evasions in conversations, he was never one for avoiding a topic, but he humored Tyler, probably for my sake, "Yeah, it's pretty great to be back. Can't wait to go see the rest of the gang."

After about an hour of Tyler and Will just exchanging stories, I excused myself to bed. Will found it awkward that I'd be going to bed at 5 in the evening, but Tyler assured him it was normal of me. It was. I laid where I normally did, facing the wall. The sun was just beginning to set, creating an orange tint to the room. I closed my eyes and just let sleep take over.

I awoke to a darkened room. Sitting up to see the time was about 10 so, I knew Tyler would still be awake and most likely Will as well. I could hear they were still talking but, when I stepped to the door I noticed the tone of concern, or was it anger, in the conversation. It hit me that Tyler most likely told Will what had happened to me involving his father. I didn't want the attention or pity from Will, I didn't want pity from anyone anymore.

I backed away from the door and just laid back into bed. I woke up again, this time from a large tiger getting into bed behind me. I turned around and buried my face in his chest, letting him wrap his arms around me. He just sighed and kissed me good-night.

We spent the next day at Ozzy's house, letting Will spread his stories of Japan to the rest of the group. I didn't really listen much, my mind wasn't there for whatever reason, I can't remember. I just know I wasn't focused; my mind was in a haze. I just laid against Tyler and mentally slept, leaving my body on auto-pilot.

I do recall what everyone else was doing however. Seemed Jasmine didn't make it, though I hadn't seen her for months anyway, I never asked what happened to her. Shelli spent her time gawking at Will, being he was probably the only straight male in the room. She has also mentioned before that she has a love for facial hair, in which the goatee was a plus.

Ban and Ozzy were also nowhere to be found, though, they were in the house somewhere. I figured they must have gotten back together after Ban started disappearing every couple of weekends. He'd come home drunk, Ozzy under his arm, and they'd fall asleep in his bed. So... the only obvious explanation was they were dating. Ozzy wasn't the kind of person who would settle with being a fuck buddy.

Kristophe and Pat were also present, in fact, Kristophe was the only one actually interested in the stories. Asking Will this and that about the country and the friends he met, trying to disprove the many myths he's heard about the place.

We all decided we had stayed too long and just crashed at Ozzy's for the night. The house had plenty of room for us all, so we went to our respective rooms which we have long since claimed from many nights of sleeping over. We even carved our names in the doors... no one will ever say, "I don't see your name on it."

Shelli had already called the only one bed room and insisted that Will sleep in there with her because she didn't trust the rest of us guys. We all knew where that was going. Tyler and I shared a room with Kristophe and Pat, so the atmosphere in the room always grew tense with sexual frustration, calm, but tense. Not many could tell, I don't even know if Kris himself knew, but I was almost sure that Pat was always in desperate need of some form of release when around the nihilist.

I awoke to find the room empty of anyone but me, Tyler always had a habit of letting me sleep in. I walked downstairs to the kitchen where everyone was just finishing cooking breakfast; it was tradition that we all chipped in on the morning meal after sleeping over.

The entire bottom floor smelled of Kris's famous pancakes, orange juice, and other various morning delights. I found an empty stool at the counter and sat, Tyler creeping up behind me to give me a morning hug. Raising the remote in his hand, Tyler pointed it in the direction of the sound system; a song began, the beginning being of a clean guitar and drum beat. Suddenly the sound of brass instruments began playing and I knew we were listening to Ska. A genre of punk that I knew Ozzy was in to.

The up-beat, yet angry music, always helped the morning seem brighter somehow. It was a great feeling, I was well rested, Will was home, and the whole gang was together and enjoying themselves. Nothing was bad for the moment... but it was all just the calm before the storm. Though, I think "storm" is an understatement.

Will had been home for two days now and after hearing of his father's exploits, had yet to go see him. Currently Sunday evening and I had crawled into bed with Tyler, while Will was still in the living room, the sound of the TV could be heard. I had almost drifted off to sleep when suddenly the TV was turned off and I could hear Will shuffle and turn the light on. Tyler left the door open so the room was a lit as well.

I shoved in elbow into Tyler's side lightly to make him get up to close it. He groaned and rolled off the bed. Sitting up, he walked towards the door and began to close it, but paused. I turned over and looked; Tyler's eyes were wide. I wasn't sure what was going on.

"What... are you doing with that Will?" Tyler's voice was calm, but stressed.

"You know what I'm doing Tyler. Just let it happen." I could hear Will from just down the hall.

"You can't possibly think that this will solve anything. It's happened and it's over with Will, it's best to just let it be-"

"Let it be and what? I knew that bastard would fall into shit again. He did the same shit with our family and now he's torn apart Jake's life. I'm not letting him do it to another."

My whole body shot up when I heard my name. Tyler was furious, "Jake is fine! He's happy! He doesn't need his brother in prison for him! He doesn't give a shit about that mother fucker, he doesn't want vengeance, he just wants to forget about it all!"

Tyler's voice cracked... was he crying? I stood, still at the bedside, "What's... happening Tyler?"

I was ignored. Will seemed to be ignoring Tyler as well, "I'm not doing it for him... I'm doing it for me."

Tyler's eyes were definitely tearing up by this point, something I've only seen once before, "What good could it do for you? Killing a ma- your father of all people, be he a bastard, this isn't necessary."

"I'm sorry Tyler," the wolf took a step forward.

"Don't tell me you're sorry man, just drop the fucking fun and get some sleep," he paused, "Where did you even get that gun?" "You know damn well that Kris has his hook ups." This was true. "And he just fucking gave it to you?" This was evidently not normal for Kris. Even he has standards. He once told Tyler that his weapons were for the soul purpose of protecting Pat. "Of course not. He's probably looking for it right now." Will must have taken it out of the shepherd's bag when we stayed at Oswald's house. The two silently stood in the hallway for a very long couple of minutes. I stared at the lighted hallway from the shadows of the room, Tyler just outside the door way. Part of me wanted to speak, but I couldn't think of a word to say. Here was my step-brother holding a gun in front of my best friend and boyfriend. Multiple events ran through my mind. Tyler could get the gun and shoot Will. Will could shoot Tyler... I could be shot...

The thought caused a knot in my throat to form and my eyes to water. A flashback. I yelped, but that was the only noise that I could cause to stir from my mouth. Tyler turned to look at me, he took one step back into the dark room, his arm reaching out for me. Mistake number 1. Will used this chance to slip past Tyler. The door slammed as he ran out of the apartment. Tyler cursed under his breathe, looked into my eyes longingly, and told me to call Kris. I nodded and with that, he was gone. I picked up Tyler's cell phone and found Kris's number under speed dial. Slot number 1. Kris and Tyler weren't really what you'd call best friends, but they kept each other close in order to protect Pat and I. "Hello?" The voice was far too high to be the German's, who I could clearly hear cursing profusely in the background. "Pat? I need you to hand the phone to Kris. Will stole his gun and is going after his father," I hadn't realized it, but my voice was shaking.

I heard some muffled conversation, a loud shout, and then some rustling, "Spots? That you? You okay? Where's Tyler?" to my surprise, Kristophe sounded more concerned than he did angry.

"I'm fine," I lied, gulped, caught my breathe, "My guess is that they're both headed towards my old house."

"Okay. Stay there," he hung up. I sat on the edge of the bed and began to remember the earlier thought of Tyler being shot. My eyes teared up once more as memories long since stowed away had resurfaced. Shouting, a fist fight, a deafening sound, and a sharp pain in my back...than darkness. The darkness that I wasn't about to let myself go back to. I wasn't about to lose Tyler to that. I stood up, grabbed my hoodie and slipped on my shoes, running out the door and down the road. I wasn't usually a runner... But I didn't care. It was dark outside and the air was crisp from winter's approach and it burned my lungs as I wheezed. My side was already cramping. I had never run this fast in my life. It wasn't long before I could see my old street sign about two blocks ahead. I turned the corner and grabbed the pole of the sign to stop my momentum. My knees gave in and I kneeled, grabbing my sides and nearly throwing up from coughing. It alarmed me that there was no noise heard. I could see my old home from across the street. The door opened, but no one else in sight. No gun shots, no shouting, just the sound of the winter air blowing through the trees and brush.

My legs shaked as I walked towards the house. Other than the wind, the only sounds I heard were the buzzing of the streetlights, and my footsteps. First they were hard on the concrete, heavy from my run, then crunched as I stepped onto the lawn and made my way to the door. The house was lit by the television, and I could see the silhouette of the two best friends. The gun was lying on the floor. I almost spoke but as soon as I stepped into the house a sharp smell violated my nose. The smell reminded me immediately of a dump, rotten eggs, and... blood. I covered my nose and stumbled back, tripping in the door way, and falling on my rear end.

"Jake!" Tyler saw me and rushed to my side, picking me up and carrying me to the end of the side walk. Will slowly stepped from the house and said nothing. Tyler held me tight, I could tell he had been running. He smelled lightly of sweat and I could tell he was just starting to catch his breath. I clung to him and said nothing, simply glad that he was okay. My step brother approached my side and pulled me from the tiger and hugged me. I heard him sniffle and choke on his words. He was clearly crying.

"I- J-," he gasped hard and tightened his grip on me as I felt his tears on my neck. "What's wrong Will?" was about all I could think to say.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Tyler shaking his head as he pulled the wolf and I apart, once again embracing me as he helped me stand. The rev of an engine and the headlights of a car broke the silence. A beat up clunker parked in the middle of the street and the engine shut off. The door opened and Kristophe stepped out of the driver side.

Tyler let go of me and walked over to him and began to talk quietly. I couldn't make out what they were saying but seeing the nihilist's eyes widen in surprise was never a good thing. They both looked at me, then will, said some more things to each other, then Kris nodded and reached into his pocket for his cell phone. He dialed 3 numbers and walked down to the end of the street.

The crying wolf gulped back his tears, sighed, and rubbed his eyes before finally standing up and approaching me. "Jake... I'm sorry," he sniffed back another tear, "I was being an idiot... god damnit. The hell was I thinking? Killing my own father. What would that have even solved?" He was beginning to get angry. "What happened in there Will? I didn't hear any gun shots. But what the hell is that smell in there?"

Will looked me in the eyes with concern and just shook his head. I didn't understand. So, I turned and began to walk toward the house. "No!" the wolf grabbed my wrist in protest to, "Please...don't go in there." "Why not?" I pulled my arm out of his grip, "What aren't you telling me? Why can't I fucking know?" I was obviously getting pissed.

"Jake." My fur stood and I was once again embraced by those striped arms. Tyler stood behind me and pulled me close. He whispered into my ear, "You really don't need to see what's in there. You've already seen too much." I turned around and worryingly looked my boyfriend in the eyes. He was far too calm about this. I asked again, "What happened Tyler."

He wasn't going to lie to me, "Your mother and Carl are dead, Jake. Evidently, they have been for a while."

I didn't know how to react. I didn't actually. I just continued to look at him. Confused, cold, and tired, I just held onto him as we heard sirens and I watched the reflections of red and blue lights on the windows of other houses. Neighbors poured from their houses and police stepped out of their vehicles. An officer approached Tyler and I asking if we were alright and he nodded and began to tell him the situation. I said nothing and closed my eyes. Listening to Tyler speak through his own chest.

The police later had me sit on the curb and ask me questions that I'd rather not have had to answer. All about my relationship with my step-father, the drunk who ruined his first family and then mine. A doberman wearing one of those cliché trench coats told me he was a crime scene investigator and asked if I'd like to know what they could make of the scene.

"Was your step-father-" "Carl." I interrupted. "Yes, um, Carl..." the dog was clearly uncomfortable now, "did he drink a lot?" I nodded, "You could say that." He wrote some things down in a tiny notepad and then sighed, "Well, it's pretty apparent that he was drinking, and he and your mother fought, tell me if I get too detailed."

"No, go on. I can handle it," what could he possibly tell me now, at this point in my life, that would shock me?

"I see... well... There are strangle marks on her neck and large bruises all over her body. She put up a hell of a fight though, this place is a wreck." "What about Carl?" Part of me hoped my mother had pulled some miraculous last move before she died. "He was found with glass in his skull. Looks like your mom really was quite the bad ass." He chuckled a bit, realized he broke his baring, and regained it.

"Good ole mom..." I half-heartedly laughed too.

The investigator jotted some more things down and asked a few more questions about past events before clean-up crews arrived and police began herding neighbors back into their houses. Will was questioned but given the situation, not detained for obvious reasons. Who gets arrested for attempted murder of a dead man?

Everyone met back up at the apartment. Oswald, Ban, Pat, Shelli and even Jasmine were all there waiting for us. Kris had filled them in. Shelli was making food in the kitchen when Will stepped into the room; she turned around to look at him, fuming. A shocked wolf stood frozen as the vixen approached her, what we could only assume was, now in deep shit boyfriend. Slap.

Will rubbed his face and grimaced, then collapsed under the weight of the vixen who had then proceeded to begin crying. They laid on the floor in front of the kitchen and held each other. Oswald and Ban sat on the couch and talked with Kris. Tyler and I however, were in our room with the door shut and locked, doing our usual routine for recovering from catastrophic events.

We slept.

The time was approximately 1:17 and 57 seconds... I didn't give a shit what day it was anymore.

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