FSE

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Disclaimer: The following will contain homosexual individuals and relationships and may be an interesting commentary on life, death, immortality, God, gods and various religions. No offense is intended and if you cannot handle it, please discontinue reading rather than blaming me. This is copyrighted to me (mewjen(at)ymail.com), so no using it without my permission and no stealing it (any profits must be shared). This is a work of fiction. Any likenesses to persons, places, and so on, real or imagined, living or dead is purely coincidental.

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Act II - Part 2 - Sub-Part B

WHEN morning came, he was still there. I really cannot describe the feeling of realizing that An coming back wasn't a dream. Joy seems so inadequate. But it was tempered by his godhood and my life without him.

He shifted slightly, sliding into the void left by my sitting up. He was sleeping so soundly that he didn't wake when I stroked the back of his head. He looked so innocent. It was like being back in his room all those years ago, when I stayed with him and Elisa. We traded the bed daily, but he didn't know there were nights that I slipped under the sheets and slept next to him. Nor did he know that I enjoyed watching him sleep in the mornings. Nice thing about his sleeping habits. I wonder how much that changed, considering he said he woke up early enough to see them leave.

"Why can't I just love you?" I said aloud. "This isn't right. Seeing you again isn't supposed to bring such doubt. I wish I could forget everything. Go back to before I chose to blame you. To when I knew you would never hurt me."

"Except, he has hurt you, and he will continue to." The voice came from behind me. It was dark and filled with hate. It scared me.

I turned around and saw the figure materialize from the shadows now surrounding An and myself. It was an exact copy of me, just drawn in dark inky shades. My darkness smiled widely at me. His red eyes glowed from his shadowed face, as he spoke. "Fear me naught. I will guide you, as I always have, to safety. I will, once again, protect you from such unjust influence."

I felt his presence in my mind. It was as if his every word was broadcast into my thoughts, twisting them along his path. I fought to keep my focus, but I could sense something just out of my sight, creeping nearer.

"What do you mean? Whose influence?" I asked, trying to back away, only to be trapped by the bed.

I was grabbed from behind, just before being thrown onto the bed. An was on top of me instantly, his hands around my neck, suffocating me, under the glow of his red eyes. "An," I choked, "stop."

"He is a god now, and you are just the lowly mortal meant to be eaten and spat out at his convenience." My darkness walked over to me, so I was looking up at him and An, unable to look away or breathe. "Gods do not care. Gods do not love. They toy. Hurt him, before he destroys you. Break his so-called heart. Let him know what it is like to be the chew toy."

"An, please," I begged.

"He betrayed you," my darkness whispered.

_"No,"_I responded in my mind.

"I will prove the truth to you," my darkness continued. "I am a part of you. You will hate him for the rest of your existence. You cannot control that fact. He left you. If he wanted you, if he deserves you, he would have taken you with him."

_"If there was a way, he would have,"_I retorted, as the world began to blur together.

"Oh, but he found a way. He just chose to forget his old fucktoy," he answered, just as my vision became limited to two sets of red eyes. "See the truth. See what you know to be true."

As he said it, visions were conjured up before my eyes. An's smile constant in all the images.

_"Stop it,"_I begged.

"Hear him laughing every time they called you 'slut.'"

An's malevolent laughter filled the air around me.

_"Stop it!"_I shouted. My body screaming its pain to me, as An's hands squeezed tighter.

My darkness refused to be silent . "He just needs you to replaced Set, to fuck his hunger away. See the little bitchboy's true self."

My visions twisted into those of An's perverse lust.

"Stop it!"

"He is so lonely now," my darkness drew out every word, "that Set refuses to fill his ass."

_"Stop it!"_I felt so helpless.

"Set's little bitchboy. Set's little bitchboy. Set's little bitchboy," my darkness half sang.

"Stop it!" I yelled, unable to do anything else.

"Then again that is your desire. Anubis's little bitchboy. Anubis's little bitchboy. Anubis's little bitchboy."

Everything was starting to go dark.

"Ask your would-be owner for the truth," my darkness whispered into my ear. "Find out whose bitch you are."

"Stop it!"

"Ask him, and let me save you."

"Stop it!"

"Ask him."

"Stop it!"

"Jaller!"

"Stop it!"

"Jaller!" I found myself being shaken roughly. I opened my eyes to find An staring down at me, worry and concern etched into his features.

"An?" My voice felt weak.

"You were shouting and having a nightmare," he replied. His words showed the adrenaline coursing through his veins.

I sat up in my bed. I was safe. But I could feel it within me. My mind was warring with itself. I didn't know what to do or who to ask. An was staring at me, trying to help me. But I just felt useless.

I don't know which part of me asked the question, but I take responsibility nonetheless. "An, could you have taken me with you?"

"Yes," he answered quietly without hesitation.

My blood went cold. I tried to pull away, but he took my hands.

"Jaller, please look at me," he said and then waited for me. "I. Did. Not. Know. Dad never told me. Please believe me when I say, I would have if I had known, regardless of my father's feelings."

He paused. He lean back and just breathed for a couple of minutes, letting both of our heart rates calm.

He struggled to look at me, when he continued. "When I became the guardian, I lost the ability to come for you. To enter this plane before now would have required leaving the gate open while I sought you." HE forced himself to look me in the eye. "That would have allowed the Devourers free reign of this plane for all eternity." He moved closer to me, but kept a gap, as he asked my forgiveness. "Jaller, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in pain, but trillions upon googols of souls would have been lost, and I couldn't live with that. I'm sorry, but the only option I had was to hope you would make your way to the gate...which never happened."

I was dumbfounded, unable to process what he just said. "I could have gotten myself out?" I asked, reconfirming his meaning. "How do you know that? How could I have been trapped here, if there was a way out?"

An looked uncomfortable. He wanted my forgiveness, but didn't want to push for it. "For starters," he said anxiously, "you are the only person I would have let cross. Secondly, this city grows with the needs of its people, and, even though it looks different, it is the same city, it has always been, particularly its outermost wall, and I have guarded the same place for all my life. Any time after I ascended, you could have crossed to my former plane. Unfortunately, I didn't know until...long after we lost...touch."

I wanted him to be lying. It wasn't fair. We could have been together for all these past eons, if I had just gone back, if I had not been trying to forget him. I fell into his arms, my head against his chest. "You couldn't just lie to me."

He wrapped his arms around me. "The only thing I will ever lie to you about is surprise parties." He sighed above me, before he leaned down and nuzzled me. "What happened, happened. Even if we changed time, we'd still remember."

I waited a moment before speaking. I wanted to make sure I said it right. To make it clear to An. "You did the right thing. I couldn't have handled that kind of guilt."

He let out a small, relieved sigh.

It was nice to be in his arms. But I felt its presence behind me. Its anger was burning holes into my back. I knew it was waiting for the right moment to strike again, to flood my mind with its truths.

_"Happy?"_I teased.

Its response sucked the little joy I took from its sulking away.

"Very," my darkness answered smugly. "You don't trust him either."

AN noticed the change in me before I could cover it up. He frowned, thinking he was the cause, and before I could act, we were back to last night's paradigm.

"Do you want me to stay...today?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered quickly, but the reassurance I had planned caught in my throat, as a series of images flashed before my eyes. I shook my head to clear them. It worked, but left me forgetting something.

"Okay...." An said after a while. "What would you like for breakfast, and do you want me to cook it?"

I looked at him, trying to figure out if he was joking. Then I remembered last night's trickery. "Do you actually know how to cook?"

"Somewhat," he admitted with an embarrassed shrug. "Just not as well as I would like. But I can fix my mistakes...without too much fuss."

I smiled and let myself chuckle. "Make whatever you like. I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Okay," he said with a quick kiss to my forehead.

He was slow in disentangling himself from me. He was even slower getting dressed, considering he could have just created his wardrobe on his body, instead of manually putting it on (after creating it anyways).

"I am here for you," he said at the door, before leaving for the kitchen.

OUR days together were routine. We woke up. We took turns making breakfast. We struggled to find ways to keep busy. We had dinner and went to bed. An was able to drag me out of the house on several occasions. It would have been nice, but my brain refused to let me enjoy the trips to the market, to the stores, or even his surprise dinners.

It was perfect, except for me. I quickly learned to hide my nightmares. I couldn't talk to him about them and the other things. Every time I wanted to take a step forward, it was as if I was forced to take two steps back.

We spent two weeks circling the same point. I don't know which of us was more frustrated. An refused to blame me, and I knew better than to blame him. I was stuck and nothing I did could unstick me.

The third week was my breaking point.

I awoke to a phone ringing. To be fair, I was pleased I could even recognize the sound, having never been the recipient of a phone call. I was in my bedroom, looking through the partially ajar door, as An searched his pockets.

After checking the caller ID, he answered quietly, assuming I was still asleep...I guess. "Hey, Horus. Enjoying this new world?"

I'm not sure why I felt the need to listen in. All I know is that I was pressed against the wall next to the door, so that his every word was crystal clear.

"New York?" he pondered out loud. "I think it's between L.A. and San Francisco. ...... Which version are you looking for? ...... Try the American Neopire. ...... How should I know? I'm not the guardian anymore. ...... You may have to wait until the planetary planes converge on the galactic planes."

I peeked out at him. A small smile had returned to his face. He looked more relaxed than any other time since he came back. But that expression didn't last.

"I'm fine. He's fine too...I guess." He sighed. "He hates me."

I felt a twinge in my stomach.

"Horus. Horus! HORUS! He's not hurting me. I'm safe! Okay?" An was quick to calm the other. "I know I can stay with you, but I'm not there yet. He's not doing it on purpose. He's trying. I'm trying."

I took another peek. His shoulders were slumped down. He looked so sad.

"I don't know. I'm failing miserably at this," An answered. After a brief pause, "Keep your beak out of my sex life. Just because we are both guys, does not mean we have to screw all day!"

He tried to smile but couldn't.

"No." He shook his head, while staring at the ceiling. "I'm not going to push him. ...... You do not need to talk to him. He knows how I feel."

His feelings were never in question. Only mine.

"Sometime. But not now." His voice got louder, as his free hand waved out his aggravation. "I'm not hiding him from anyone. Horus, he has issues with godhood, so meeting you will just aggravate the situation. ...... Boyfriend trumps best friend. Sorry."

I wish we were boyfriends, but that required something I could not give.

He sighed, as he listen to Horus' counsel, calming down. "It's not like Dad cares how long I postpone."

Is there any point in continuing this relationship? If I'm just going to hurt him....

An replied to Horus with an edge to his voice, "If you send him out here, I'll castrate him and I won't put them back this time."

I am hurting him, and I haven't stopped.

"Horus," An's edge had changed to annoyance. "I know you're tired of me moping, but we need more time."

He's miserable waiting for me. Why am I forcing him to suffer?

"I can't think like that," An said, with a hint of desperation. "I can't shield myself. I have to give everything, otherwise there's no point in him trying."

I can't even say, 'I love you.'

"Horus, I love you, but go away. You're not helping me feel any better." Any cheerfulness that Horus's phone call had brought was gone. An was mournfully quiet.

There has to be someone out there for him.

"It'd be nice." An tried to fake hope, but failed. "I'll talk to you in a week. Okay?"

Someone who can love him, if I just stop wasting his time.

An nodded into the phone, adding a silent 'yeah.' "Thank you. Enjoy your trip. Bye."

He hung up his phone and slipped it into his pocket.

I stepped out quietly, but he still jumped. Seeing his wary look made my stomach churn. "Sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have been listening in."

"Don't be," he replied softly. "I'm not hiding anything." He didn't accuse me, but it had the same effect.

"You lied to him," I continued. "I am hurting you."

His pleading stare tore me apart. "Why can't you love me?" he asked, trying not to shake. "Why can't you just trust me?"

I wanted to comfort him, but part of me kept my legs still. "I don't know," I answered in soft desperation.

I felt trapped, watching his tears fall, as he tried to collect himself. I closed my eyes and turned away. "I can't do this to you. Maybe it would be best if I figure this out on my own."

"If I leave," he said, trying to maintain his voice, "you will never come after me."

My eyes flew open in horror, when my darkness answered in my head, "And why would I? I don't need you. I don't want you. Go back to your stud, little bitchboy. Let Set rip you apart for every crime you committed, God of the Damned."

"But at least," I squeaked. "I won't hurt you."

"Are you sure?" he whispered, almost whimpering.

I turned to him and found him within arm's reach. We were a pathetic sight: crying, shaking, and looking as if we were about to fall apart.

Two lovers staring across the chasm. Waiting....

"Yes."

He was gone. My world stopped. I collapsed. I sobbed. And he was gone.

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Author's Note: So far, this chapter has been the most nerve wrecking. It still feels like it is missing something, but I cannot figure out what. It contains everything it needs to, and the part as a whole seems to work, but as a chapter, it seems unfinished. I am hoping the importance of this chapter is the source of my unease and not the quality. This chapter sets up the rest of the story, and without it, I cannot get to the action.

Thank you for reading this chapter. While you are here, please rate, favorite, and comment. Your feedback is the only way I know if the various parts and concepts are working or confusing.

Scheduling Note: I am going to be moving and starting a new job within the next couple of weeks, so I am going to try to release the next chapters on Tuesdays as before, but depending on how much time I have, I may not release any new chapters for the next two weeks.