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                "Tis a

lie!" yelled the otter.

                "Calm

down Mudge! There's no point in denying that you have ulterior motives." This

factual statement was made by his tall human friend, Jon-Tom.

                "I

ain't got no motives 'cept those that life intended."

                The

sour looking turtle, known as Clothahump, rasped out, "You mean like your

thieving and whoring?"

                Mudge

stuck out his tongue. "Some of us 'aven't had life as easy as you, you grand

pestilence in a box!"

                The

human put his hand on the otter's shoulder. He was nearly bit for his trouble.

"If we're wrong, then enlighten us on a time when you helped someone without

regard to bettering yourself."

                That

stumped the otter.  "Well I came close

once I did. In the end it didn't quite go as planned."  He giggled about something unspoken.

                "So?"

                "So

what?"

                "Tell

us about it!"

                "Oh.

Well, you see, it 'appened like this. I was in Frowdatton, a little town down

by the sea, where the Grechem River meets the mighty waves. Now I wasn't planning

on staying long. That was before something happened."

                The

turtle coughed into his hand. "A prison you mean!"

                The

otter glared at him. "Aye your high and mightiness, a prison. But I never ended

up in it. Ole Mudge, he's good, but I 'appened to pick up a partner I did. Not

the smartest move I've ever made. In this case, it was a quokka. I stuck around because of a bloody cousin to the kangaroos. I should have

known better for two reasons."

                Jon-Tom

urged him on. "And those were?"

                "Well

mate, you see, quokka's aren't much good at anything except being cute. This

one was right up there in looks, but not so much in brains. Always had a 'ankering for food too."

                "So

your partner was a stupid food addict. I can think of worse things."

                "Oh, I

likes to eat mate, so that ain't no problem. No, the other thing was that she

was a she. You never mixed work and pleasure."

                "I don't

think that's ever stopped you before Mudge. From what I've gotten out of your

relationship with Talea..."

                Mudge

sputtered. "That girl is just bloody difficult. Now let me finish my

story.  So there we were, planning on

doing a little purloining and then going our separate ways. If you've never

seen a quokka, they is a shorter than yer average otter but just as slim,

'cepting maybes the hind quarters. We was planning on acquiring ourselves some

loose change from the mayor's residence. The town had a port, and ship captains

had to pay for anchorage. The harbor master and the mayor divvied it up between

themselves. I thought it a crime in itself, and sought to right the wrong."

                Clothahump

grunted but said nothing.

                Mudge

flipped him the finger before continuing. "We scouted the place out and found

it fortified, except for one tiny entry point. It had a chute used for

vegetables and fruits. Ole Mudge has been in some tight spots, but with a

little grease, I was able to squeeze in. Charlette, she managed it too. We both

hit the floor like fish going through the rapids.  Me, I went upstairs and found the fool's

strongbox. It wasn't your usual variety, which meant it took me longer than

normal to gain access."

                Here he

stood proudly.

                "But in

the end, I got it! It turned out to be so full I weren't able to carry much of

it. To avoid the jingling that might wake the house, I took me coins to the

front door and piled them in my bag. It took me an hour of careful footwork to

get it filled. And not once did I ever think of me partner. It was when I was

trying to pick the lock to the outside that it dawned on me that I hadn't seen

'ide nor 'air of the girl. I went back downstairs to the basement. "

                I

looked around and didn't see her at first. I was beginning to panic that she

had been caught and someone was now lying in wait for me. I heard a noise and

looked towards the chute. Sure enough, there were her backside hanging off the

floor. I climbed up and whispered loudly."

                "Hey,

Charlette, what the 'ell are ya doing?"

                "She

struggled a bit before answering."

  " Mudge! I thought you had left me

here! I'm stuck!"

                "You

stupid girl! Why the 'ell didn't you stay with me? There's a perfectly good

front door to leave by!"

                "She

stopped struggling."

   " Oh, yeah. I guess I was thinking

we were going to stay stealthy."

                "Well

mate, you can understand me desire to leave her there. But if I did, she would

likely rat me out. I told her to 'ang on."

                "Listen

Char, I'm going to try pulling you back through to this side."

    "I did, but it were no use. She was

wedged tight. I tried my best to push her on through to the out of doors, but

again, it was no use. She was tighter than a virgin mouse's nethers. I was

beginning to panic."

                Jon-Tom

was hooked.  He leaned towards the otter.

"So what did you do?"

                "I

first needed to know why she was stuck. It quickly became obvious that she had

gorged herself on the mayor's best victuals. The basement was full of boxes and crates. A few of them were busted open. One or two were empty. She had fit into the chute with barely any

room to spare, and now she had used up her wiggle room by packing in enough

food to feed a wolverine."

                "Charlette,

I told her, "you is stuck fast. I don't see how I can get you free before

morning."

                "Needless

to say the poor thing panicked. She struggled and she whined. I felt bad for

her, but what could I do? She had brought this on herself she did."

                Clothahump

shook his head. "And I suppose you wished her the best of luck and left her

there to take the rap for your thievery?"

                "You

cuts me to the quick, ya does! I did me best to free her. I was pushing and

pushing and pushing, trying to get her fat gut through the chute. It didn't

help that she and I were covered in grease. Needless to say, the longer I tried, the tougher it got. I kept slipping

and losing my grip. I bumped into her lovely backside more than once."

                "Now

you knows me mate. Rubbing parts with a female is all I need to get me spirits

goin. Figuring it was a lost cause and all, I pulled down her pants. I dropped mine

too. She had no idea what was up until she felt me cock spread her nethers like

a wedge."

                Jon-Tom

was aghast. "First of all, you don't need anything to get your private parts going. And are you saying you

raped her?"

                "Now

there you go mate! She and I had been having a relationship. I just took it up

a notch. I figured if she was going to get nicked anyway, might as well give

her a parting gift."

  Clothahump grunted in disgust.

"Just like a water rat to think mostly of himself, even if he fooled himself

into thinking it was for the greater good."   

  The otter stuck his tongue out.

"Listen here you hard shelled prima donna. We each plays with the hand we've

been dealt, now don't we?"

  "Anyway mate, it seemed there wasn't

much else I could do.  You should know me

well enough to know that given a choice between money and a lady who was

willing and able, it was going to be a hard decision. But as it stood, she was

there, and that prime quokka backside was just calling me name. Do you honestly

think I wouldn't go for it? The danger of our situation sorta spiced it up a

notch."

"I was going at it with me usual

gusto, wondering what the look on her face might be at that very moment. I 'ave

to admit, she was so tensed up it were the best time I had had with the silly dame.

It wasn't all fun and games though. She was slick and 'ard to 'ang onto.  I couldn't imagine 'ow much food she must have

gorged on to be wedged so tight! I figured with all of my generous pounding,

eventually she would give way and slip through the chute. Trust me, I tried me

best!"

"Yes Mudge, if I know you and sex,

you definitely tried your best. I take it it wasn't good enough?"

The otter scowled. "I don't like

your tone, you skinny hairless ape! I happened to get into me way of releasing

the poor dear from her predicament.  I

mean, I slammed against with more than my usual energy, which as you know, is

quite prevalent in the otter species!"

The turtle scowled again. "As is

robbing, stealing, whoring and eating!"

                Mudge

opted to ignore him. "Let me just cut to the chase and skip the 'orney stuff.

Try as I might, I was unable to get her out. I was feeling a bit terrible about

her situation, but I was resigned to her fate. I gathered me coins, but found

that keeping a grip on them was nearly impossible. Me paws were as greasy as a

soap maker's apron. I finally got the bag outside and I waddled it over to

where she were stuck. She were a pitiful sight, filling up the little hole like

I had just done with her backside. She gave me one of them dumb grins she was

famous for."

                "Thanks

Mudgie! I have a feeling they'll be plumbing me a lot less satisfyingly once

I'm in the clink."

                Jon-Tom

interrupted. "Are you telling me you had your way with her and then left her

there?"

                The

otter stomped on the tall human's foot. "'Ere now! I stood there looking down

at her. That's when I noticed she had her elbows against the sides of the

chute. It didn't take long for me to figure out part of the problem. "

                "Charlette

dear, 'ave you been 'olding your elbows out like that the entire time?"

                "No

Mudge, only when you were trying to pull me back inside!"

                "Uh,

Charlette? Why did you do that?"

                "Because

I wanted to get out, not end up back in the house!"

                "I

shook my head, grabbed her arms and pulled them out straight. Before she could

think about it, I put my foot against her head and shoved. She fell back in with

a pop!"

                "I had

wisely left the front door ajar. I tiptoed back in and returned to the

basement.  She was sitting in a heap on

the floor."

                "Mudgie,

why did you do that? Now I'm stuck back inside! They'll find me!"

                "I drew

in a deep breath."

                "Charlette

darling, I just came back in through the front door. Can yous pull yerself

together long enough to follow me out before someone wakes up?"

                "I'm

telling you mate, it took her a full minute to figure it out. Thankfully, we

vacated the place in record time. Part of the coin we spent at a steam bath, we

did. It took me three tries to get all of the grease out of me fur. I couldn't

very well wear me finery in such a state!"

Jon-Tom spoke carefully and with

mock solemnity. "Of course not. But what became of your lady friend?"

"Charlette? Well mate, we stuck

together for a while. But the fact was, she liked to eat. Blew her half of the

money on food. I like all kinds of ladies mate, but she got to be as big around

as a bloated marmot. She became more interested in stuffing her face than in

getting stuffed. I left her to her own devices, I did. I doubt she lost her

weight until she were dead broke."

Clothahump had been listening with

a look of total dismay on his face. "Water rat, you are as incorrigible as the

rest of your kind. I don't suppose you can help it. But how do you see this as

helping out another person with benefit to yourself? You broke into a house,

you stole money, and you engaged in sexual activity without permission."

Mudge let out a long fart. "Wells

your nibs, I saved a friend from certain doom, saved that money for a better

purpose and got a quick bit of pleasuring in to boot. I told you at the start

of this story that it turned out all right in the end. I just didn't say whose

end that was! Besides, what were to keep me from taking the money and running?"

Jon-Tom was grinning. "This reminds

me of an old story from home. There was a bear that ate so much honey he

couldn't get out of a hole in the ground. No one could get him out for the

longest time."

Clothahump nodded. "I could see

that occurring. Did this bear have a name?"

"Yep. He was called Winnie. Winnie

the Pooh!"

Mudge frowned. "Whinny? Pooh? Look

mate, you got me story all wrong. Whinny is the sound an equine makes. I said

quokka, not quagga.  And I'll have you

know I was using the proper hole, I was!  Pooh indeed!"