Goldilocks and the Three Jersey Bears
This is for a class thing, had to spoof a story, enjoy
There was once a bear, and this bear was very very very ugly, he decided he'd one day find a mate just as ugly as him to settle down with one day, so he went to the strip club and instantly got in because he's a bear, c'mon you gonna try and stop him? So he met one of the strippers she was a human but had a lot of hair making her look like a bear, so he picked her up and brought her home and soon asked her to marry him. Let's face it he was desperate and she was a flake.
Soon they gave birth to their pathetic son, and since they were both named Mama and Papa because their parents were pathetic like them, so they named their son Baby so that he would live in humiliation the rest of his natural life. Years later a Jersey slut named Goldilocks decided she'd venture into the forest near the old power plant because she didn't have any money to spend on malt liquor. So she was going to meet with her boyfriend Derrick the Limp somewhere near there I think. Then she found this old house on the water where the deformed fish were due to radioactive waste and what not. She thought to herself "Bet these guys are loaded, bwuhahahaha I'm gonna rob em blind," So she did a Bruce Lee kick on the door and it instantly opened. She leveled up and reached her next rank, Blonde Skank. She began looking for priceless jewels and got down on all fours, sniffing like a bloodhound for the priceless heirlooms. She hit her head off the dining room table and stood up finding three bowls of instant porridge on the table, the same porridge she ate in the orphanage at every meal for 16 years.
She began to sample each bowl trying the Papa Bear's first, she slurped then instantly spat it all out, "Blegh this needs more Vodka," next she tried the Mama's porridge, "Blegh this needs more Vodka," and she just walked by the Baby bear's porridge and went straight for the liquor cabinet and reached for a bottle of Vodka and chugged it straight from the bottle greedily and then went for the silverware drawer stuffing as much of it in her pockets as she could. After finishing the bottle of Vodka she felt very drunk and needed to lay down, she stumbled up the stairs to the bedroom of the 3 bears and found 3 identical beds, no differences at all. Before she could get to a bed shed collapsed and passed out piss drunk.
Just then the three bears walked in the door and saw to their surprise nothing looked at all different in any way. Then an empty bottle clanked down the stair so they decided to investigate. They found Goldilocks on the floor and decided they should sell her into slavery, but then Goldilocks rose to her feet completely sober and was instantly confrontational being the Jersey slut she was. The Papa bear had a Glock 10 in his hand, Goldilocks was a threat to their safety so the papa bear had no choice, he pointed the gun at goldilocks and pumped 20 rounds into the poor girl she dropped to the floor like a sack of slutty potatoes and ended her kill streak at 30. Papa bear ranked up to Pimp Daddy, and a purple fluffy Jacket with a zebra stripe pattern on the inside grew on him like a new skin and he had a grill, rings on each finger, a gold cane with jewels and diamonds encrusted on it, and finally the purple hat with a white feather appeared on his head.
They buried Goldilocks in the backyard and no one found out about her disappearance, the three bears lived happily in the forest for the next 10 years then they all died from Radiation poisoning. Thus ends the tale of Goldilocks and the Three Jersey Bears.