Sunshine Days - Chapter 20
In the early hours of the morning, Jonathan was awake despite only having a few hours of restless sleep. He'd woken up from a dream that he couldn't remember but its residue left him feeling shaken and oddly sorrowful. He wanted to roll over and go back to sleep but the dream still haunted him and he was forced to give up on that endeavor. He sat at the end of the bed watching the light outside the window growing to a foggy grey. Raindrops tapped lightly at the window, a calming yet melancholic sound that always harkened back to better days. He wondered how the others out on the camping trip were faring. He could imagine them dismantling their tents and hiking all the way back to camp in the cold drizzle and fog. The unpleasantness of the mental image made him feel fortunate that he'd dodged a bullet with opting out on the trip and made him want to lie back down again and snuggle back up to David under the warm, yet itchy, covers.
He turned back to the sleeping pup and suddenly felt the last two days come rushing back to him with a sobering sense of shame and sadness. It was the same embarrassment he felt when he allowed his indrawn and aloof persona to drop long enough make a fool of himself. Some would have said that it was him 'letting go' and allowing his true self to come out but for Jonathan it didn't feel like that. Or at least it didn't feel as simple as that. For Jonathan, his seclusion and his privacy was him. He felt more comfortable being alone that in a crowd. It didn't mean he was happier that way, but it felt more right. There were sometimes when he wished he could be popular or funny, find ways to make people laugh or like him but he knew deep down that he couldn't keep it up even if he tried. But the same way a person allows their inhibitions to drop after a few drinks, Jonathan would let his 'other' side out for fresh air. Purging all those silly things and saying the things he'd normally keep to himself and doing things he otherwise opt out of doing. But just like getting drunk, there would always be a hangover of humiliation after, regretting that he allowed friends or family to see a side of him that was vastly different from how he was. Or how he thought he was.
He felt ashamed and a little dirty as he recollected the things they'd said and done. He couldn't believe that only a few hours ago, he had urinated all over his friend in the showers and swapped semen in their kiss. 'I let him spit in my mouth,' he shuddered with revulsion, 'I let him spit in my mouth! What on earth was I thinking?' Then he felt the guilt and regret of the things he said, how he'd gotten David upset over making him relive painful memories, and how the horrible things he brought up about his own life.
After his profane rant over his church, he and David had lain together in bed, David spooning Jonathan in his arms and his muzzle resting comfortably on his neck.
"I'm sorry that your church didn't wanna help your parents..." David had mumbled quietly, after a long period of silence between them. "I don't think...Maybe all churches are like that..."
_Jonathan had stayed silent. He wanted to say that it didn't matter what church he went to, they all felt the same. There was a sense of community that he just didn't like, on account that it was a very ecclesiastical scene and everyone seemed to conform to everyone else's pious standards. It was like school but with more religion and formal button up shirts with clip-on bow ties. _
_He saw changes in his father whenever they went to church. At home he was fairly quiet and reserved, much like Jonathan, but when they came to church a sort of metamorphosis took place. After the last prayer was said and the organ began playing behind a backdrop of people standing up and conversing with one another as they stretched their legs, his father would come alive. He became animated and lively as he chatted up his fellow members in the congregation. Watching him was like seeing him becoming a completely different person. He was boisterous and charismatic, almost hypnotizing for young Jonathan to watch. His mother on the other hand, often stood back and smiled, nodding and speaking when spoken to or going off with the ladies to chat about other things. _
David continued, "I mean...I've always liked my church. Some of my best friends are there and I can always talk to my pastor about stuff. Vince is there too and he's always been cool to me."
Jonathan couldn't see the little blush over David's nose as he said that but he felt the pup tighten his hug a little. There was another lengthy silence between them. Jonathan thought that maybe David had fallen asleep and was about to nod off himself when David spoke up again.
"I don't think God abandoned us either...It..." David paused while he collected his thoughts together, "It kinda hurt when you said that. I know it feels like he did but...I think all things, bad or good, happen for a reason."
"What reason is that?" Jonathan asked, trying to not sound bitter, "Why would God make my parent's divorce and everything suck?"
"Cuz...well...maybe he wanted us to meet..."
_Jonathan frowned and turned his head, trying to look over at him, "But I thought you said that..." He stopped there before he said something he'd regret. He was going to ask why God would make them gay if they were only destined to go to Hell but that would have upset the pup again. "...That...God didn't want people to be gay..." He worded carefully, hoping that it wouldn't bring back the reaction he'd gotten on the walk through the woods. _
"Maybe it's not about that," David said thoughtfully. "Maybe God just needed you to have someone to talk to or something. Maybe...for some reason only God knows, we were meant to meet and help each other through this. We can't change who we are or what happens to us but...we can help each other through, I guess..."
Jonathan pondered that for a moment. "You're actually really smart sometimes..." He didn't intend for it to sound as back-handed as it did but fortunately David didn't take any offense.
David smiled and his tail tapped against the mattress gently. "You're really smart too..." Then he added a minute later. "You know...that was actually the first time I ever heard you yelling. I don't think I've heard your voice go higher than normal." He giggled and nosed Jonathan's cheek. "I think that's also the first time I ever heard you cuss too."
Jonathan couldn't help but smile a little at that.
But despite David's generally accepting attitude towards him coming out of his shell for once, he still couldn't help but feel ashamed of his words and actions. And not just because some of the things he said were out of character for him but because they'd been blasphemous. Remembering how he'd said 'FUCK church!' more than once made him feel guilt more than shame. He could almost feel the flames of Hell licking at his heels, feeling the instinctual need to pray for forgiveness, lest he spend all eternity in everlasting torture because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
But the guilt and shame aside, he also felt sad. It was the kind of sadness that accompanied the end of a vacation or holiday. In his case, it was the end of their time alone together. After the rest got back from their trip, they'd both have to go back to separate beds and sneaking around in the middle of the night for sex. Time had gone by so quickly that he barely had time to register what a blessing their privacy had been. 'You never know what you've got until it's gone...' Jonathan thought idly, wondering where he'd heard that sentiment from.
They still had a little less than a week left at Camp Sunshine Days. Jonathan didn't want to think about that even though he'd been counting down the days until he'd finally get to go home and escape the wretched place. He'd tried many times to get away from the pup as well but now... He couldn't bear the thought of leaving David. Something had grown between them when he wasn't looking; something more than a friendship and something more than love.
Since he was a kitten, Jonathan had held a belief that there was someone for everyone. That on the linear path of time and fated coincidence, you were bound to meet someone that would change your life forever. And that person, whoever it might be, would be the one you're destined to marry. He believed that about his parents, at least up until the point they started talking about divorce. He'd also believed that about himself as well, that there was someone out there existing at the same time he was and their paths were destined to cross sometime in the future. At 14 years old, knew it was a childlike notion. From his parent's example, he believed that love is never permanent and that everyone eventually leaves in the end. By death or disappointment, people are just as fleeting as time.
But that childlike notion was back and Jonathan was wondering if maybe David was his fated partner. It couldn't be right though, he thought. For the bible tells that what he felt for David...and the feelings he hoped David reciprocated...were morally wrong. Yet he couldn't help feeling that he and David were meant to meet for whatever reason. It was the strongest sense of cognitive dissonance he'd ever experienced in his young life.
So much was going on inside his head that dreary morning that he felt compelled to do the one thing he hadn't done in a good long while. He let go of his legs, which he had been hugging to his chest for warmth, and leaned forward in prayer. He clasped his paws together just like he used to before eating dinner or kneeling beside his bed with his father at his side. He clenched his eyes shut and prayed silently.
Dear Heavenly Father...
He paused for a moment, wondering how to continue.
Dear God...I dunno what to think anymore. I dunno what to do either. There's this guy I like but everyone I talk to says it's wrong. I mean, maybe except for him. Him and Vince, I think. But still, I don't know what to believe anymore. There's so much going on now that I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm stuck out here in the mountains a long way from home, my parents are probably definitely going to get a divorce, I'm having 'gay' thoughts and feelings, and I'm pretty sure a lot of the people here hate me.
Please God, help me through this. Give me some sort of sign. Guide me on the right path and...and...please let everything be okay. Just let me get through this next week and these next few months alive.
In Jesus' name I pray...Amen
He opened his eyes again and felt a little sense of clear-headedness. He still felt a little rusty with the whole prayer thing but thought that he did well overall. He got his message out and hoped that maybe God would respond some sort of answer.
He nearly jumped out of his own fur when he felt a paw touch the small of his back. He turned and saw the young pup gazing up at him with drowsy eyes. He felt a little touch of anger at being frightened but he set that aside and smiled down at David.
"What time is it?" David mumbled, closing his eyes and rolling towards him.
"6:10" Jonathan said after consulting his watch.
David made a grumpy noise and made to sit up, trying to grab on to the feline's midsection as if to pull him back into bed.
"Is' too early..." David slurred lightly. "Come back to sleep."
"The guys should be coming back from the trip today..." Jonathan said, "What if they left early because of the rain?"
David shook his head, "They probably won't be back til lunch...it's a long hike."
Jonathan made to protest again, wondering for himself how much time they had between when they packed up their things and made their way home. The only thing he didn't want was to wake up in a few hours after getting caught in bed with David practically naked. It had been a fairly long hike, even though they never made it to the site themselves, but how soon would they have left to get home? Even if they'd left while it was still dark out, they might not be back for another hour or three.
But why risk it?
Jonathan got out of bed and started putting his pajamas on, much to David's disgruntlement. He turned around in time to see David kicking the covers off himself to reveal his morning wood. The pup stretched himself out and gave Jonathan a forlorn and slightly reproachful look.
"Sorry...I just don't want to get caught like this...they might come back early..." Jonathan apologized.
David said nothing, one eye closed and the other giving him a sleepy, judgmental stare.
"Besides, we'll need to wake up in about an hour for breakfast." He added reasonably.
Both eyes closed and the pup sighed heavily through his nose. His paw went down to his lazy boner and gave it a little tug. "Still means we've got time..." David mumbled. He forced his eyes open and gave him a playful grin.
Jonathan shook his head. "I don't think so..."
David made a sad, soft little whine as his rejected proposal, giving Jonathan a pleading look from his place on the cot. Despite being puffed with sleep, Jonathan could recognize the look of hurt and rejection in his eyes. They elicited a feeling of guilt, which they always did, but Jonathan was firm in his decision. Even though he wanted to jump back into bed with the pup, he was too focused on the worst case scenario of them getting walked in on by the rest of the group.
"Well..." Jonathan started uncertainly, "We could do something tonight in the Rec room after everyone's gone to bed..."
David opened his eyes in mild surprise. It was the first time Jonathan had actually suggested that they do something rather than criticizing whatever plan David came up with. It was more of a compromise this time. Jonathan offered him a little smile which David returned with a bigger one.