My Grand, Frozen Heart Part 5
I was humiliated, torn to shreds. What happened at their apartment confirmed that I can't trust people. First, my father, who destroyed my life. I felt like I had no reason, for all people wanted with me is to use me, not caring about my emotions I may have; at least I did. Now my world became dark, amidst the black holes which filled my heart for anything. What once was full of life, turned into a darkened, shriveled ball. Soon, it's petals of blackened red, will fall six feet off the stem.
I left my front door a little bit open, so people could see what I did. It was just at 10 o'clock from where I stood, under my dictator. With my hands bound, and standing on the stool, I wiggled my head through the noose. There I was, ready to kick away the stool.
In my final moments, images of the happiest time of my life flashed here and there, like a presentation on a PowerPoint. I saw my mother and I, sitting on a blanket in the park, enjoying the spring afternoon under the shade of the clouds. Or during thanksgiving when I got a chance to cut the turkey. That was a good turkey. Soon, the bad memories started taking over, and how abusive my father has been. He'd sometimes rip my clothes because he was in his mood, or just barge in my room for his daily blowjob or hand job.
For my 16th birthday, I took a shower to get ready for a solo dinner at a local restaurant. I was lathering my fur with some shampoo that had an aroma of pine trees. That scent was so blissful to me, I'd sometimes take two showers a day just to smell my reality away. But the feelings wouldn't last. My father opened the door, and I poked my head over the curtains to see him. He was naked, like usual, but he wasn't going crazy like usual. Instead, he slowly lifted his head, hesitant if you will, and searched my eyes with a look of compassion. This was new, for he never acted like this before. He rubbed his chest a bit before heading towards me. When he got in, he embraced me; something that stunned me. Somehow, his body was warmer than the water around us. Perhaps, he had learned to love, and not to be bitter.
"Da-"
"Shh..." He said, "Daddy'll try to be good for you." Those words meant so much for me, because he tried to do so for a week. Then he failed and went back to his usual routine of getting drunk and doing me against my will. Even though he demolished my childhood, I still love him because he's my father, and that will never change. No matter what he did, or is doing, I'll still love him. Even in death.
Looking back to the note on the desk, I smiled as I kicked off the stool.