No Laughing Matter
#14 of A Real Animal Lover
Ok. So
the weirdest animal I think I lay claim to was also one of the more dangerous
ones, but I suppose that goes without saying. I would never have had the
opportunity to do it if it weren't for our habit of hosting other zoo's
exhibits. In this case, we were temporary wards over a single solitary beast,
one out of six. The animals in question were going to be part of an African exhibit
at a big city zoo, but due to faulty construction, their habitat had to be
reworked before they could be put into it. Since no one had room for all of the
animals together, they were doled out to whoever had space.
She was
cute in an ugly, ungainly sort of way. She was just into full adulthood, and while
I'd go so far as to say she was handsome, she was still an eyeful. Her spotted
coat was pretty cool, but her body seemed misshapen and deformed. I knew it was
genetics and that on the plains the shape worked just fine, but there were so
many odd things about this girl that I soon became fascinated with her.
I am
referring to a hyena of course, perhaps one of the oddest carnivores on the
planet. Up to this point I knew precisely jack-shit about them. Literally no
one kept them in zoos, and everything I knew about them came from the pages of
National Geographic magazine.
I
forced management to buy me a few books on African mammals, since there was a
dearth of information on hyenas at this point. There were a few technical
editions, including one that covered reproduction over a wide spectrum of
species. It wasn't much, but it was something.
Of
course, most of the staff assumed we had gotten a male hyena. To be honest with
you, I didn't go out of my way to disabuse that notion. I don't think they
would have believed me in the long run. And since she was technically off
exhibit, we had no displays made up for her either. She was sort of our little
secret.
As I'm
sure you're well aware, a female hyena has a rather curious reproductive track.
She has what is referred to in literature as a pseudo-penis. Her labia and
clitoris have evolved into a long tube-like structure that is often longer than
a male's true penis, plus a fatty pouch that looks like a scrotum. It's the
structures they have sex with, it's how they urinate and it's where the cubs
are born. That alone makes a hyena a badass in my book!
When
she arrived, I was rather expecting a snarling, snapping monstrosity. Hey, I
had watched more than my share of Wild Kingdom and National Geographic films. These
guys took on lions! So I had all sorts of equipment ready in case things got
out of hand. Imagine my chagrin when her handler brought her out of the crate
on a leash. Ok, so it was a heavy duty leash, and her collar was massive, but
she walked out like she was a damn dog! It was a mild letdown.
The
plan was for us to keep her for no more than six weeks. The new enclosure had
cracked due to faulty concrete, and the contractor had to tear it down and
start from scratch. I knew how these things went and wasn't going to hold my
breath.
At first,
she didn't fit in well, and I think that was because she had been separated
from the others. Hyenas were as social as a lot of other animals, even if they
spent a great amount of time squabbling. She ate well, but she was constantly
pacing the walls and fence of the pen in her tireless effort to find a way out.
I spent
a good hour or two each day observing her and talking at her. I didn't say to her, for that would imply that she
understood me. I was just trying to sooth her present discomfort with noise. It
was at these times that I carefully scrutinized her genitalia. It was an
amazing sight, maybe about as long as my cock or longer! Heck, if I ever did
manage to nail it, I would be fucking her without once ever entering her
abdominal cavity. I had a few things to learn about this species, that was
sure.
For a
few weeks she completely ignored me unless I had food. So I made sure I always
came bearing gifts. Funny how that worked. After three weeks she began to look
for me. By the forth week she was rubbing her head against the bars wanting to
be scratched. Trust me; I was very careful how far my hands went into the cage.
These guys had some very powerful jaws. I had seen her demolish bones like
pretzels.
But one
day, deciding to throw caution to the wind, I crouched down and was giving her
ears a good rub when I reached out with my other hand and grasped her pseudo-penis.
I was waiting for her to jump away, but she held very still. Since I hadn't
suffered any real noticeable injuries up to this point (from any animal, not
just her) I figured what did I have to lose besides a finger or two?
It was
the weirdest thing. When I first grasped it, it was fairly pliant, but after a
few seconds of playing with it, it got a little harder. The damn thing was just
like a cock! I stroked it and she let off a little chuckle, that goofy cry that
gives these guys their colloquial "laughing" status. Apparently she was in the
mood for some male company. She jerked the muscles that controlled it a few
times, making it dance in my hand.
I ran
my fingers to the tip and found the opening. It made me wonder how I was going
to manage fitting into that tubular structure. It was then I first realized
that damn; cubs came out of that hole! I played with her for a while, leaving
off on the head scratches and concentrating on a two handed stroking of her
unique female apparatus. Her hind quarters were quivering by the time I let up.
I don't think I ever saw a more disappointed face in my life.
I
reached through and gave her head a scratch again. "Sorry girl, but this going
to take some work. I'm not even sure how your own boys do it with you, much
less how I'm going to manage it."
I went
back to the clinic and thought things over. The most logical way to attempt
this union was going to be with me on one side of the bars while she was on the
other. The only problem was, her entry way was pointing forward, and while it
might be pulled backwards, I didn't think that it would stay that way for long.
Once it stiffened up, it was going to want to point forward again.
That
meant only one other thing. I had to get in the cage with her. That unnerved
me, more so than any other carnivore I had yet mastered. I was going to be in a precarious location,
for the only position I could think of that was going to work was one that
would put me in a dangerous spot.
I drank
a few beers and sorted it out in my head. I would try it tonight and be damned
the consequences. If I waited too long I'd lose my chance and I doubted I'd ever
have another one. Then I remembered I was still on the clock and drank some
water and ate some breath mints. I was getting distracted on company time!
That night,
armed with my usual tool; the tube of lubricant, I made my way back to her
cage. I brought a treat as usual, and she downed it in two gulps. I started
from outside the cage, rubbing her head and scratching her ears, testing the
waters to see if she was still in the mood. As far as the upper portion of her
body indicated, she was still dead on. I crouched down and found her organ and
picked up where I left off in playing with it. This time I took some of the
lube and poked my finger inside it. It was a weird experience, for I felt like
I was sticking my digit into a very open penis, not a tight vagina.
Getting
my cock inside it was going to be a trip. I knew for certain that if this was
going to happen, I was going to need to be in there with her. It was a
dangerously stupid plan but the only one I had (outside of drugging her) that
was going to make this work.
I said
a little prayer and got undressed. I opened the door and stepped inside. She
turned and sniffed me, emitting a few little yips and cries. I cautiously
started rubbing the spot above her tail, and her already low haunches dropped a
little more. That was good; for my plan was going to require her to be a little
lower than her normal standing stance. The funny thing was, it would have been
easier nailing her butt-hole than the other one. I just wasn't sure how she'd
take that. The opposite end had teeth remember, and this girl was pumped with
testosterone.
I got
down on the floor on my knees, leaning back against my heels. I then very
carefully pulled her backwards until she was over my crotch. Her tail was
flicking against my chest as she turned her head and voiced her apparent dislike
for that sort of familiarity.
She
kept looking back at me, as if to ask, what
are you up to? I took the tube,
uncapped it, and squeezed a bunch of it right up her pseudo-vagina. I applied a
huge amount to myself, and dropping it to the floor, grasped her organ and
lined it up with my cock. It felt like an impossible task.
I
immediately thought I knew why her organ stiffed like mine did. A flaccid tube
like that would have been totally unworkable. It's one thing to penetrate a
hole in a solid body, but to get into one that was flopping around would have
been awkward to the point of near impossibility. Even as it was, I found this
arrangement to be hardly a biological advantage. I could find no conceivable
reason that hyenas evolved in this fashion
Since
she was holding still, I said another prayer and tried to bring us together. I
pulled her organ back until our tips met, a bit at a ninety degree angle. I
then had to press them together rather firmly, drawing them both backwards at
the same time. If not for the lubrication, I would have made no headway. A male's
penis must have had a narrow tip on it. Mine obviously did not.
But the
longer I maintained the pressure, the more of my cock that was pushed in. She
was getting a little antsy, but I hoped she would hold still long enough for me
to get inside. It was a painstaking process, but once the head was in, I
figured the rest would be easier.
I
couldn't see what I was doing, but I could feel it. I had a solid grip on her
organ like it was a cow's teat. And I was slowly forcing my way inside. It was
almost a chore and it took me nearly ten minutes before I gained entry. All at
once the tip slipped past the opening and she jumped just a little, thankfully
not enough to dislodge me after all of that work.
From
there it was a matter of feeding my cock along her length. By the time I was
done, her tip was at my base. It was the damnedest thing in the world, let me
tell you. I could squeeze the outside of her shaft and feel it on my own,
deeper inside. My brain couldn't comprehend that this was anything like normal
sex. There was a very good reason for that. It wasn't.
I guess
part me had figured on getting in deep enough to be all the way inside her, but
my tip just made it to her abdomen. It was apparently good enough for her,
because she was making her little laughing cries as I stroked the now thicker
organ with both of my hands. I soon went from a light stroke to pulling her organ
up and down mine. I shifted my body in time to my hand movements and it seemed
to work fairly well. I was ramming her organ, making it bulge out with each
pass.
I
couldn't image a cub passing through this thing, not at all. But as a vagina, it
was definitely a learning experience. She was pressing down with her back end
as I was playing with her. Her
vocalizations grew in volume as I massage our combined connection. I had my arms in front of her back legs and
stroking her for all I was worth. I don't know how things worked with a hyena
male, but I seemed to be scratching the right itches.
She got
to the point where she was dropping her own weight on top of me, gliding her
semi-rigid organ over mine. I took my hands away, giving her more room to work.
I propped myself up with my hands behind
my back, leaning back and out of her way. She seemed to know what she wanted
and how to get it.
Her
hips were moving with very purposeful movements, and once or twice when she
seemed close to disconnecting our conjugation, I leaned back in and with one
hand stabilized our attachment. I let her go for a while, enjoying the fact
that she was as into it as much as I was. Each descent of her back end was a thrill for
me.
Then I
noticed that I was feeling something different. Her back end descended more and
more until she was right on top of me! I had gone from being in a tube to being
inside her! I had no idea she could retract that thing! Had I know that, I'm
not sure I wouldn't have tried so hard to get inside her. But it made a certain
amount of sense really. I couldn't imagine a poor male hyena trying to hit the
opening of a wildly flailing pseudo-penis. Retracting it into a normal opening made
good for an easier copulation.
Rather
than have her sitting in a cramped position, I moved to an upright position on
my knees. Hell, now I could go at her a little more normally, which was almost
a disappointment. I had found myself enjoying the intriguing sensation, not
that what we were doing now was bad. She had a solid tunnel, and in this
position sex was a lot easier.
I was
still marveling at what an extraordinary body she had. Where else could you
find a vagina that hung below a female's body that could be retracted whenever she
wanted to? Had I known she was capable of it, I might have done things
differently.
As it
was she was getting a little irritable. I had a feeling that mating in the wild
for them might be a quick thing. It often was. You could spare only so much
time risking your life trying to create progeny. There was always something out
to get you.
The problem
was, I was just really getting into it. She had a strong solid back end and she
was stock still as I started to grind away on her nether region. That didn't keep
her from voicing her opinion and after a few minutes of this the air was filled
with her cries. I had no idea what they meant so I just kept going. If nothing
else, I was presently as far away from those potentially deadly jaws as I possibly
could be and still be doing what I was doing.
I'll
just say that I screwed her until I think she was ready to bite my head off. It
couldn't be helped. It seemed that the longer I went the tighter she was
getting. I think that the sensation was getting to be too much for her. She
started to yelp and pull away, and going full stupid I grabbed her hips and
forced her to stay still. I look back on that as the stupidest thing I've ever
tried, right after even attempted sex with her in the first place.
She turned
and snapped at me, but I dug in harder and slammed away. I was so close there
was no stopping now, not even under such a threat as she could deliver. I
figured if I hung on for dear life she wouldn't be able to turn and sink her
teeth into anything vital. My hips because a blur as I slammed into her roughly,
driving my cock into her insides with only one desired outcome.
By the
time I blew a load inside her, she was making one hell of a fuss. As the last of my cum flowed into her, I
pulled out and pushed her forward. She whipped around and growled at me. I
figured I was in for it, but she lifted a rear leg and began licking herself. I
was pretty sure she was going to be smarting for a little while, but any animal
that could pass a cub though that tunnel could deal with the little discomfort I
might have cause her.
I
hightailed it out of her enclosure and slammed the gate shut before she could
reconsider her motives. She spared me a glance before resuming her licking.
That strange organ of hers unfolded out of her body and hung back down again,
looking none the worse for wear except for the slow drip of my fluids leaking
back out.
She
left a few weeks later, and trust me, I never tried to get close after that.
She returned to being moderately friendly, but I kept our relationship
platonic, with snacks and scratches, but I never ever tried anything more again.
I figured I had gotten away with it once. There was no point in tempting the
fates any more than was necessary.
I did manage
to keep track of the group after she left, and I found she became the dominant female.
I think that made me feel better. If she was the one with the strongest will,
then what we had done was not a matter of coercion, but one of respect. I've
read how they treat their males, and I guess I was no different. I did what I
came to do and left before my welcome was completely gone. I guess that made me
an honorary hyena. I wondered though if she had viewed me as a mate or an
equal. Probably just a mate. That was fine with me. I wasn't up for competing
with the likes of her.