Getting Emo for an Emu
#27 of A Real Animal Lover
It wasn't long after the dingo
experience that we got into the truck and headed out down those miserable
excuses for roads there in the outback. We were going to be driving a ways, for
the farm (if you can call it that) where the emus were raised was distant, near
a small section of woods and brush."Now emus, they're a special treat,
but you got to be careful with them." My host told me. "I'm sure you're no stranger
to birdie anatomy, so you know you can't get aggressive with them or you'll do
them harm.""Yes, I know that quite well. In
theory, if the egg passes through it, a cock can go in it, but I would never
feel right about trying this out on a chicken.""Right you are mate. Stuffing that
small of a bird would seem a bit hard-hearted in my book. But emus, now they're
a solid piece of work. Have you ever seen the egg one of them feathered twits
can pass?""Only in a collection. They are a
good sized egg.""Right you are again! So trust me
Yank, you'll find out soon enough that they can take what you and me have to
offer!"I had to admit that I was
unfamiliar with the birds, outside of the fact that they were in the same group
as the African ostrich. That made them ratites, a technical term for most of
the large, flightless birds. Emus were about perfect for this little endeavor,
whereas I was well aware that their cousin the cassowary was not. Oh, they were
about the same size; I'm referring to their attitudes. Trust me; I would never
want to go there without ropes, drugs and a few prayers. Those are some badass birds!We stopped a couple of times along
the way to relieve ourselves and to stretch tortured muscles from the pounding
our spines were taking from the rugged ride. Like I said, there wasn't so much
a road as a winding path through the Outback. It was a wonder the truck had
help together even just today, much less all the years it had been in service. We
finally got to the station (or ranch if you like) in one piece, though I think
my ass had developed a crack right down the middle... That's some humor son. Keep up with
me.The cockie was a man named Bailey.
He gave us both warm handshakes and did a little dance that Nigel copied.
Apparently it was an old tradition and I wasn't about to ask about it. My guide
put his arm around the farmer (aka the cockie) and introduced us."This here Yank is a veterinarian!
He's got a deep love and appreciation for all of the animals on this here
Earth, but especially the ones you can bugger!"The man looked me over. "Is that
so?""I'm not going to get in any
argument over that determination."He started laughing. "No need to be
coy boy. Out here we're all men and the Sheilas are few and far between. Rather
than taking to buggering each other, we try to keep the genders separate. That
takes a little fancy footwork now and again. We don't have the variety other
places have, so we make do. So what has old Nigel been testing you out on?"I looked from one to the other. "A
wombat, a roo, and a dingo.""Yeah, that about covers it unless
you want to try taking a crack at one of our scaly friends. Crocs are said to
make wonderful bedmates." His deadpan reply was only offset by the slight
upturn to the corner of his mouth.I could tell he was holding back
his mirth. "I'll skip it thanks. I've already been down that road once."His slight smile faded. "You're
kidding, right?""No. But it was at my first job and
the thing was out like a light. I did nearly rock the table off of its moorings
though.""Blimey! We've got us a keeper here
Nigel!""Yeah, this guy will make your
mouth drool. Just wait until he tells you about all the pussies he's nailed.""That many huh?""A few. There was the tiger, the
snow leopard, the panther, the lion, the...""Wait, you mean pussies as in big
cats?""Yeah.""Hell, I though he meant it in the
usual way. I want your autograph mate before you leave here. I ain't never had
a celebrity around my place before and it ain't likely to happen ever again.""It's hardly something you can go
around bragging about you know.""Out here ya can and you will!
Nigel, did you bring any bottles with ya?""Of course!""Then I think it's time for a
party!"We unloaded the truck, including
the beer and set everything inside. It was a nice place, if a bit simple. Then
again, out here, you tended to stick to the principle things that you needed.
There was no point is having nice furniture considering the abuse it would get.
Everything was either handmade or old, but all completely serviceable.There were several bedrooms; a
kitchen and a bath included, but the toilet was outside. As Bailey put it,
"there ain't no reason to stink up the house." The point was that while there
was a water supply, it wasn't to be wasted on flushing a toilet. It was for
drinking and if you were lucky, the occasional bath. I was warned early on
though to check the outhouse for the variety of killer fauna that frequented
this continent."It only takes one bite from a lot
of these pests to put you six foot under mate. Open the door, look around, lift
the lid and then check again before you sit."The instructions hardly inspired
confidence in my surroundings.The corral that housed the birds
however renewed my hope that this wasn't going to be a waste of my time. There
were a lot more birds than I ever would have figured. I could hear them before
I ever saw them, but I had no idea of their numbers. There were several hundred
of them, grouped into separate pens. They weren't particularly showy birds, but
then again their size made them exceptional enough for my tastes.If you've never seen one, then you
won't know just what I mean. They aren't
like ostriches exactly, but their structure and body form are very similar. The
nice thing was going to be that their rumps would reach my crotch. That made
them just about perfect in my book.As it turned out, I was going to
get a solid lesson in emu biology. For one, I happened to make it into
Australia right in the middle of their breeding season. The males were all
presently separated, not to keep them from the girls, but the other way around.
In a twist of evolutionary fate, emu females pursued the males, not the other way
around. What it meant was, at this exact moment, all of the females were ready
for some action.I have to admit I was ready to go
for it right then and there, but I didn't see anyone making a move, so I held
my tongue and zipper in place. It turns out this day was going to be even
weirder because not only did this guy raise the birds, he raised them for
market, which meant we were having it on the menu in two forms.I will admit that I was a little
leery; eating the same kind of animal I was going to be hitting later on, but
it dawned on me that it happened all the time with sheep, pig, goats, cows and
where applicable, horses. I did feel a pang in my conscience, but it passed
when I smelled the wonderful aroma of the meat roasting on, as they called it
here, the barbie. I guess there was more than one way to enjoy of good sized
bird.We ended up relaxing over our meal,
draining our beers and telling tales. My mind kept wandering to the pens full
of wandering bipedal feather dusters, itching to get a stab at one of them.
They would be my first animal here that wasn't either drugged, or bound and
gagged. I liked it to be a little more natural. I don't know, I guess it just
made me feel better about the whole thing. Anything else tended to feel like
rape.Bailey was pumping me for stories
with as much enthusiasm as I was going to have in pumping his birds. So I
patiently sat back and listed off all of my exploits, figuring that my stories
would never reach outside of the setting we were in. He was suitably impressed
and questioned me for some of the more intimate details. He was really impressed
with the fact that I had done this essentially under the noses of thousands of
people. I had to remind him that after closing the hours, the zoo had been all
but empty except for me. "I envy you mate. Now me, I'd
prefer a good woman any day, but I've grown attached to me birdies. They don't
talk back, they don't never have a headache , and I ain't going to be paying no
alimony to 'em any time soon"I had the same sort of feelings. I
know it's something that would tend to scandalize normal, Christian people, but
I had been doing my homework. Human interaction with animals went very far back
in our recorded history, and it could be inferred that it could go even farther
back than that by several thousand years. Heck, I could even see the human
ancestors like Cro-Magnon getting it on with a Neanderthal. Or maybe even with
something a little more primitive than that. It was all pretty much the same.
If it wasn't your own species, it was considered bestiality.I so could have been a Roman. But
Nigel was telling a story, so I had to pull myself from my reverie. "You see, me and Bailey here, we've
been friends for a long time. I don't always have time to pop over here for a
bit of fun, but when I do, you can imagine I go home weak in the knees. With
all these birds around, you can hit a dozen without a repeat. Heck, with as
many as he's got now, I think the three of us could take a week before we make
it through each and every one of them!"I wasn't sure I was up to that much
activity, but the other two seemed pretty enthusiastic about it. I figured
Bailey might have had his fill of them, dealing with them every day like he
did, but apparently the chance to have a "party" was enough motivation for him
to get excited. It truly had to be lonely way of life out here.We went through a lot of beer
before they two Aussies finally made a move towards the corral. "Well, come on
Yank! The night ain't getting any younger!"We all headed out into the dimming
light. Bailey flipped on a generator and a string of lights lit up the area,
casting an eerie glowt on the emus, who in turn cast animated shadows across
the ground. They were milling about uncertainly in the sudden glare.Bailey turned to me. "Now you
listen good. I'm not worried about the birds, because they're plenty tough. But
if you're going to get cozy, at least put your boots back on, because there's
still plenty of browns here about, and I've seen a few spider's that'll make
your hair stand on end."I was beginning to think that my
libido was taking a few hits with all these warnings. It was something I never
had to worry about back in the old days. Here I had a bunch of available females,
and I had to be concerned with getting bitten by something that could kill me.
I was tempted to grab an emu and go back into the house.But the other two were already
stripping, so I followed suit. My socks stayed on and my boots were pulled over
my feet in double time. I think I was going to be staring at the ground the
whole time now.Bailey and Nigel each had a small
dog collar and leash and handed me a third. The idea seemed simple. Slap a
collar on a bird for better control. I liked it!"The males are over there for the
time being, so as long as you avoid them, you'll be fine."From there it was a simple matter
of cornering a female and getting her under control. It was as challenging as
it sounded. These weren't tame animals, but simply wild creatures being raised
domestically. There was still an element of uncertainty to this endeavor. You
might call it spicing up the pot. The other two were well practiced at this
sort of thing and cornered and collared theirs right away.I had a bit of a tougher time. I
quickly realized why predators locked onto a single animal and pursued it. Too
many choices messed with your head. In the end, I managed to wrangle one and
snap the collar on. I was ready to go at this point.The other two had theirs up against
the fence with the leashes tied off, so I followed suit. I coerced my feathered
prize to the rail and tied her securely. I ran a hand under all those long
hairy feathers until I found what I was looking for. I spread her open a little
until I was satisfied that this was going to work. Don't take me wrong; I
trusted my fellows but I also knew that an injured bird was likely to be on the
menu. I didn't have the heart for that.I spit in my hand, lubed up and
pressed it home. There was a brief moment when I didn't go it, and the emu was
beginning to fidget but she inadvertently pushed backwards and I slid in like a
spike into a railroad tie. I was half expecting her to be rather flimsily
constructed, but her hole was as tight as any mammal's. It was hard to believe
that an egg the size they laid could squeeze down a passage so damn tight!Once I was inside, she stopped any
struggling she had been doing and settled down. I had a feeling this might not
have been the case had she not been in heat. As it was, apparently the feeling
of having something stuffed inside her hole was enough to pacify her. Heck,
there might be a chance, should her little brain have been capable of retaining
any memories, that she might find that any other males besides these human ones
weren't much fun in the long run. I really doubt the male emu's came equipped
with a cock anything close to a human one.I had a handful of feathers in each
hand and was thankful that she wasn't fighting me. I didn't want to do any
damage to her plumage either. I could only assume that yanked-out feathers had
to hurt as much as hairs did for us, so I wanted to keep this gentle.My compatriots didn't have any qualms
though, and their birds were rocking and swaying as they were worked over like
a chef with a meat hammer. I figured that if the birds could handle that, then
I was in the clear. I pushed mine up against the fence and went to work.I know some of you out there
probably are thinking that birds are sort of freaky. You do have to remember
that they are warm blooded after all, and in the case of these guys, had
feathers more akin to thick hair that to the normal avian kind. It wasn't all
that different from the back end, and you sort of got used to the small bobbing
head at the other end.I don't know if it was the novelty
of the experience, or the alcohol, or maybe both. I let loose inside my little
friend after only a few minutes. I gushed forth without missing a beat,
continuing to ram away at her egg-maker like nothing happened. The only
noticeable difference was the new slipperiness, which only made my movements
easier.I'm telling you that those birds
were terrific. As I said before, a smaller bird, even one which could
hypothetically take a human cock, there was always a risk of doing severe
damage. Not with these gals. They were built tough and unless you were built
like a porn star, you'd never reach in far enough to hit anything vital. I was
already wondering if there was some way I could get some back home into the
states. I bet the customs forms would be a bitch!That meant I had to get my fun now,
while I was here. I looked around and saw the other birds milling about. Yeah,
I think I could handle that.There wasn't a whole lot out there in
the scientific texts on emu anatomy and physiology, so I'm going to tell you a
few things that I learned during this experience. These guys have orgasms. It
was information that I certainly couldn't publish, and it didn't come as a
surprise after some of my earlier dealings with birds, but if the question ever
came up as to whether or not these guys enjoyed doing it, the answer is a
resounding yes.It was like trying to screw a
slippery animated Chinese finger trap. I could see where this could cause a
bird to come to harm, for if you got too crazy, or pulled out too sharply, I
could see you pulling these gals inside out. A tunnel that could push out a
giant egg had some remarkable qualities to it, not the least of which was the
firm, rhythmic squeezes this one was giving me. A certain amount of care was
necessary.I suddenly found myself
uninterested in any of the other specimens flocking around me. I was in lust
with this one. She was holding still, taking what I was giving her, and giving
back more in return. I could suddenly see the allure of living out here. I was no longer even marginally
concerned with being bitten by anything out here. I forget there was even any
danger to be had. I concentrated solely on my new friend. I have used the term stuffing the bird before, but this
brought it to a whole new level. I was basting this beauty from the inside out. Those continuous contractions did a number on
me, for a second wave of my fluids filled her up. I slowed down without
stopping, figuring I was going to be done for a while, but after a few minutes
of slow, shallow strokes I was back in working order. The others had finished
with their first birds and where heading for new ones. Let them. I was more
than content where I was.When I came the third time, I was
wobbly in the knees. I held onto her rump
for a few minutes until my spasming cock had finally given up the ghost. As I
slid out, I stretched out my slightly hunched back and sighed. Yeah, this was
pretty damn good. It was nice too to have someone who appreciated the little
things like this. For the longest time I had felt like I was the only one
enjoying himself in this manner.I went over and leaned against the
rail while the other two finished up the ones they were presently pounding away
on. It was almost as much fun to watch someone doing it as it was to actually
do it. It nearly got me going again, but the fact was, I was finished for the evening.
I remembered belatedly about the leash, so I went over and released my girl,
smacking her rump and watching as she fled into the flock and was gone.The next morning, three very tired
and very happy men sat around the table discussing the night's previous adventures.
I got some teasing for only taking on one, but I admitted to them that she was
good enough for my first time. There were several jokes about how I had picked
the "ugly" one, which I took with good grace. All these damn birds looked the
same.But the joke was on them.When we went out to check on the
flock, all of them were at the far side, either looking in on the males or
sitting in the sun. All for one. One of them came right up to the fence and
stuck her head over the side. It was my girl form the night before. I knew this
because like an idiot I had undone the leash, but not the collar. She was still
wearing it. I came up and scratched her head, but she backed away and began
making some strange calling noises.Bailey let out a grunt. "Well I'll
be damned!""What?""I think this girl has found
herself a mate, mate. They only do that to attract the attentions of a male. I
think she's hooked on you!""Suits me fine. I prefer quality to quantity any day."I also found out, by the way, that
unlike a lot of birds, emus will willing mate several times a day over an
extended period of time. And oh, did we.