How It Goes - Part 21
#22 of How It Goes
Well.
Nothing much to say about this chapter.
Suburbia plays in the background as Scott sits cross-legged on the kitchen table. A trail of drying cum marks his chin and belly; patches of blood rest upon the table surface. Meticulously, he pulls out another shard of glass from the sole of his foot - without any indication of pain. His phone buzzes again, barely audible over the music. He glances at the screen - and promptly ignores it.
After he's removed the ninth piece of diminutive glass, he slides off of the table - his eyes skirting the floor and its bloodied footprints - and he hops on the unscathed foot over to the cupboard by the oven. There he finds bandages - thick and white and soft - and he returns to the table.
Arms behind his head, Scott gazes up at the unlit lamp as the playlist continues. Whenever the phone buzzes he barely glances at the screen with disinterest - until his father's face pops up.
"Hey, dad," Scott replies calmly.
"Good morning, Scott. I just wanted to check up on you. Everything went well last night?"
"Yeah," Scott says simply, his voice unwavering as he flexes his lower body. "Everybody enjoyed themselves."
"Glad to hear it. You tidied up after you, right?"
"Of course." Scott stares up at the white ceiling with a hand running through the sticky fur of his belly.
"Okay, good. I'll be home tomorrow evening. I'll talk to you soon."
"Actually, dad," Scott replies as he flexes his fingers slowly, pulling at a string of dried seed. "I'm moving back home."
Charles waits a moment, and Scott envisions his father in deep contemplation. "Okay. I'll ask to borrow Gayle's car, and we'll have you out...?"
"Before the weekend."
"Okay. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Thanks," Scott sits up with a relieved sigh. "Talk to you tomorrow."
He hangs up and lets his phone spin in the palm of his hand for a moment. He turns it off as he lays back down on the hard surface - his thoughts wander everywhere, and as he wades slowly through the sea of memories he finds his tail thumping against the wood underneath.
"Is that all?" Charles asks as he and Scott shove his mattress in into the back of the station wagon. Scott wipes his forehead and heaves for air.
"Yeah," he sighs wearily.
"You're out of shape," Charles remarks as he shuts the back door of the wagon.
"Don't have to remind me," Scott grumbles as he glances up at his short-lived home. He produces a letter from the inside of his spring jacket, addressed to Brian, and puts it into the mailbox.
"Where is Brian, anyway? He could've helped." Charles moves to the front of the car, and Scott limps over to joins him.
"He had plans," Scott shrugs.
"And the lease?"
"Talked to Jerry, turns out I wasn't on the lease in the first place."
Charles frowns as he starts the car. "I see."
_Chandelier_fills the car as they leave the driveway. Scott listens to his father sing quietly along as they leave the neighbourhood, onto the main road; once the song switches over to the DJ announcing the next song, he addresses Scott: "How was school today?"
"Quick enough," Scott replies calmly, having found his breath properly now. "Spent most of it in the library, actually."
"You've been studying an awful lot lately."
"I told you, my last practise exam went poorly," Scott says as he gazes at the budding fields of gold. "I don't want to fuck up again."
"Fair enough." The radio switches over to some pop anthem, which Charles promptly mutes. "You never mentioned why you're moving out."
"Today's the first time in about three weeks I've been inside the flat," Scott shrugs. His eyes are still fixed to the countryside. "No point paying rent if I don't use the place."
"No, this is true. Care to tell me why you'ven't been there?"
"I realised I didn't feel comfortable there." Scott leans back into his seat and closes his eyes. "I found I'd rather be everywhere but there the last couple of weeks."
"I see." There's a couple of sharp turns, accompanied by the rumble of a nearby train. The radio no longer muted, it bellows the refrain of_Rolling in the Deep;_ Scott smiles to himself as his father belts out his surprisingly high notes.
Scott scrubs the dishes before he deposits them into the washer. Outside, birds tweet happily, some pecking at the seeds outside the window sill. Charles sits with his tablet by the kitchen table, his eyes darting over the bright screen.
"You changed," Scott remarks as he turns on the dishwasher.
"You did too." Charles looks up with a small frown. "It's good to see you up on your feet and all, but you've been so... muted since last Friday."
"Muted?"
"Scott, you've always been sombre," Charles puts down the tablet and rests his spectacles atop his head. "To see you so calm and distant? It worries me."
"Practise exams," Scott replies calmly as he sits down by the table.
"Is that really all?"
"No," Scott replies with a shrug. He surveys his father carefully, almost coldly - and feels a shiver down his spine. "But it's all that matters right now."
"You had one tomorrow?"
"History," Scott nods, and he rubs his hands as he casts a glance to the audio-wired laptop. "Did you like Beautiful Midnight?"
"Yes, I did. Quite a lot, actually." Charles reaches for the remote at the corner of the table and hits play; Born to Kill begins to play from the speakers within the drawing room. "Scott... please let me be there for you when..." Charles shakes his head and smiles wryly. "If you get down."
"I'll try." Scott surveys his father for a while as the older wolf flicks through tabs from the Times. "How are things with you and Mrs. Sharpe?"
"...How the fuck did you know about that?" Charles replies flustered as he almost drops his tablet in a sort of embarrassed anger - Scott notes that his father seems younger than his aged frame looks.
"When you were in the shower last night. You left your phone unlocked on the coffee table while I was playing, and it just kept buzzing."
Charles does not look impressed. "That's supposed to be private."
"Well, it vibrated off the table, if you must know," Scott snorts. "When I saw my teacher's portrait I couldn't help myself."
"Figures." Charles looks away with a look of mild exasperation. "I was going to tell you after your A levels."
"When I'm no longer a student?"
"That, yes... and when my divorce is finalised."
"That's... fast."
"Thank fuck for prenuptials," Charles smiles. "And I'm lucky too, Yvonne was fine with the divorce. Not as amicable as I'd have liked, but we both decided to do it as painlessly as possible."
"I'm glad," Scott says carelessly.
"I imagine you would be." Charles sighs, a sad sound, to which Scott splays his ears.
"I'm sorry," Scott replies apologetically.
"It's okay. She was never as good to you as your mother was. I sometimes wonder..." Charles shakes his head and exhales deeply. "No, nevermind."
"What?"
"Would it have been better for you if I never re-married? Sometimes..." Charles says heavily, closing his eyes. "No matter. You are who you are now, and I am proud of the wolf you've become."
"Dad..."
"So!" He grins at his son with predatory eyes. "You feel like joining your old man for a round of Marvel vs Capcom?You owe me for snooping, and I need to beat the shit out of something."
Scott glares at his father. "Yeah, thanks for that."
The older wolf grins with a chuckle. "Shame Tom isn't around. Have you talked to him?"
"Yeah, I have. He's doing fine."
"That's good. Tell him to come around for dinner someday, why don't you?"
"I was planning on it," Scott nods. "Will call him after you've owned me."
"Good boy." Charles gets up and ruffles Scott between the ears.
"Dad, I'm eighteen."
"I know, son. I know."
Scott retrieves his geography volumes from his backpack and lumps them atop his study desk. Then he finds his phone and finds Tom's face. He gazes at the otter's picture for a while before he dials.
"Hey, Scott."
"Tom," Scott replies with a sigh of relief and a smile. "How are you?"
"Doing good, actually. I mean... well." Tom coughs a bit. "I won't lie... well, you know what I mean..."
"Met somebody again?" Scott tugs at the corner of the top book on the stack.
"Only the once. Which is one too many, to be honest. How'd it go after I left on Friday?"
"Straight to hell, actually," Scott replies, his voice once again moored in calm.
"What happened?" Scott notes the hope in his voice, drowned beneath his worry.
"Theo confronted me. I exploded." Scott leans back into his chair. "Haven't spoken to him or Oscar since."
"...Exploded? You?"
"Almost broke my fingers, actually." Scott surveys his left hand, and notes there still is a faint ache in his knuckles.
"So... your relationship with the person you've been madly in love with for the last two years is in jeopardy, and you're calm about it?"
"Well, yeah," Scott shrugs to himself.
"And you'ven't talked to him?"
"No." Scott opens the book in front of him and finds the passage on minerals. "Been busy. Practise exams."
"Scott, go talk to him. Like, right now."
"...Why?"
"...Is this really you, Scott? Did you just.. what, check out completely?" Tom sounds disappointed.
"Fine," Scott sighs. "Fine, I'll talk to him later."
"Good. Otherwise I'll call him."
"Dad invited you for dinner," Scott says as he stifles a yawn, his eyes skirting over climatology. "And I want to see you too."
Tom remains quiet for a while. When he speaks, it's with rivalled calm. "Yeah, Scott, about that... I don't want to see you for the next couple of months."
The text becomes a blur as he stares blankly at the headline. "What?"
"After Friday... everything I said? What we almost did? I could've..." Tom grumbles a bit. "Look, I've blown more guys than I can count, do you think I'm a healthy otter? I'm not going to be that sort of fucker, not to you... not that I'ven't already been fucking stupid like that..."
"I..." Scott blanks for a moment. "I didn't think about that..."
"Scott, the next time I see you... I think we're going to end up fucking, one way or the other. And when that day comes, I want to be the otter you deserve, not this... fucking disgusting cumhungry slut I'm now." Tom snorts. "Listen to me, being all fucking gallant. Knight of fucking Sodom. Point is, I need to fix myself."
"Can't I help with that?" Scott replies, with the first whimper in days.
"Help me by being there when I'm on your doorstep," Tom replies heavily. "Seriously, Scott. Now, go sort out your fucking business with Theo."
"You confuse me," Scott says uncertainly.
"And to think you were the emotionally clever one," Tom groans. The otter takes a deep breath. "Do you know why I didn't like Theo? 'Cause he was always on your fucking mind. I wanted you, Scott. More than I wanted Brian. More than he wanted you. I wanted you to want me too, but... well. You got your fucking dream realised. You got him after two years. Don't you fucking dare just throw that away without a fight, Scott."
Scott stares at the book for a long while, his fingers growing numb.
"Thank your dad for the dinner offer, but I'll have to decline. If you really need me, I'm here for you, okay? I've got to get ready for work. Talk to you later."
"Wait," Scott replies, but Tom hangs up. "I do need..."
He stares down at his reflection for a while. Then he wipes his face, with only a few drops clinging to the fur of his fingers, tosses the phone onto his bed, and delves into the books.
The afternoon sun sizzles as Scott clutches the side of his head with one paw, his eyes shielded by the other. His spring jacket sticks to his fur in the heat, and sweat trickles down his back. He grumbles quietly, angrily as he storms past other students - some yell after him in frustration when he shoves them aside, others only stare. He leaves the school grounds and sharply turns to follow the road home.
"Scott."
Scott's non-stifled ear perks up and he glances in direction of the voice. In the driver's seat of an old-model Passat, clad in a blue plaid shirt, sits Franz. The dormouse smiles at him and gestures to the passenger seat. Scott eyes him warily, but joins him.
"Did your exam go well?" Franz asks as Scott slumps into the seat. He sighs in relief as the absurd heat from the outside is dampened by the air conditioner.
"Went to hell," Scott replies frustratedly.
"Sorry to hear," Franz chuckles as he drives off. "We missed you last night."
Scott gazes out the window. "I was busy moving."
"You could've told us, y'know," Franz remarks casually as he turns on the radio. Fake Plastic Trees fills the car alongside the soft whistle of the a/c.
"Didn't want to tell anyone."
"What happened last Friday must've shook you up somewhat fierce." Franz throws a sidewards glance at Scott, his face lined with understanding and concern.
"Oscar told you," Scott says calmly. He looks at Franz until he realises he's wringing his hands.
"He did," Franz nods as his eyes return to the road.
"Is that why you picked me up? To talk to me about it?" Scott grumbles, his voice defiant and defensive.
"Yes," Franz replies softly. "If you want somebody to talk to, that is."
"We barely know each other."
"Exactly." Scott frowns at the dormouse, who smiles at him with unabashedly. "Sometimes it's better to talk to someone you don't know all that well."
Scott says nothing as he gazes out the window again. Franz turns down the radio as he takes a left turn, out of the tightly knit weave of buildings, into the stretch of suburbia. "So...Are you ashamed?"
"Of what?" Scott replies heavily. His ear twitches.
"For loving two people at the same time?"
"Three," Scott corrects him, his eyes set on the copse atop a small hill in the distance. Miniature figures dash in and out of the shadows, up and down the grassy slopes. He feels Franz looking at him, and he sighs. "Yes, I'm ashamed."
"How come?"
"It's not right." Scott closes his eyes and slumps into his seat again with his arms folded. He balls his fists together, his hands numb. Franz takes a right turn. The concrete road turns to gravel as they drive through a small thicket of trees. They emerge in front of lake Farmoor, its surface unsullied and still. He stops the car at the end of the road and gets out. He beckons for Scott to do the same; he limps alongside the dormouse in the heat and they settle down on a bench by the lakeside. Scott gazes over the waters, and wonders how the surface manages to remain so still.
"Why isn't it right?" he asks after having surveyed the wolf for a while.
"Because they deserve better of me" Scott snarls. His hands unfurl as he grimaces, and when he continues, it is a low growl that slowly breaks away. "Deserve better than me. I have no fucking idea what to do, Franz. I want all of them. Oscar, and Theo, and... and Tom... but I can't ask them to ... it's not fair to any of them, is it? I can't just be in the middle of the three of them, can I?"
"It's improbable," Franz replies softly.
"It's supposed to be Theo," Scott sighs as he slumps forward, his palms together. "Ever since I met him. It was always supposed to be Theo."
"Tell me about him," Franz encourages.
"We met in Year Ten. He'd transferred a couple of years before, but that's when we first talked. Got paired in English. I just... fell. I didn't know what it meant at first. Whenever we worked with the project, I felt happy. After we finished the project, we... well. He was part of the douche gang, and they terrified me, so I never dared talk to him again. Not that he'd actually want to talk to me.
"I pined for him. Wanted him. Didn't talk to him often, or about him too much, but it was enough to annoy Tom. Brian kept telling me it was puppy love. Maybe that's all it was then? I couldn't really stop thinking about him whenever I saw him, though. I think Tom got sick of it in the end. Envious. He told me to go ask him out. Pushed me to to it. Brian did too. Heh." Scott shakes his head. "I guess they thought if I got rejected, I'd finally get over him."
Franz tilts his head slightly to the side, and gazes at the wolf. "That didn't happen, though, did it?"
"No. I asked him out. In the middle of the cafeteria. During lunch. Outed myself on the spot. There was laughter. I'd have wept if Theo didn't say yes. When he did... I was in a daze. I couldn't believe it at first."
Scott leans forward and closes his eyes; the sun burns against his back and neck. Franz pats him on the shoulder gently. "How's your relationship been?"
"Good. Rocky but good. He didn't want to be open about it in the beginning, though. Struggled a bit with his sexuality. He was reluctant to... to be the bottom?" Scott looks up at the dormouse, who nods. "At first, at least. He was very eager to get on with the sex. I wouldn't do anything unless he was willing to do the same, though. He eventually got over the whole reluctant thing. I didn't know it would be that... that good."
"A good introduction, then? Go on."
"We had some hurdles. Me and Tom snogged a couple of times. Theo didn't mind at all. He said that if it was Tom he had no problems with it. Then he ditched me when I needed him in favour of a threesome, but we-"
"Wait, what?" Franz interrupts him, his grip loosening. "He cheated-"
"No, he didn't," Scott replies quietly as he glances sideways at the dormouse. Franz's expression is one of outrage and horror. "He was at a party. Drunk. I called him because I needed to talk to him; he asked if it was okay if he could do a threesome, and I did give the green light, but he wasn't there for me when I needed him. We got through it, though..."
"I... see." Franz leans back and folds his arms, his eyes surveying Scott carefully. "What changed?"
"I met Oscar. The day the threesome happened, actually. That's what I wanted to talk to him about. I was scared. It was like meeting Theo all over again. The excitement, that fluttering in my tummy. Puppy love all over again. I thought I finally had everything I wanted..." Scott snorts. "So much for that."
"You're eighteen, right?"
"Yeah. And naïve." Scott sighs heavily. "Next time I was with Oscar, we snogged. Theo laughed it off. The next time - when we met - me and him ended up cuddling all night. That was last Friday."
"What about Tom? That's the otter, right? Or was it weasel?"
"Otter, yeah. He's my best friend. Oldest too. I was seven when we met. We'd just moved to Wolvercote. I think I was alone in the playground when he came up to me. Then he was on my doorstep every day, more or less. Eventually he dragged Brian with him, and..." Scott smiles weakly. "Those were the easier times. We grew up together. They helped me through my mum's death. We went to school together and everything."
"Why didn't you and Tom get together beforehand?"
"Mostly because I had eyes for Theo, and never realised that both my best friends were into me," Scott replies with a bitter edge. "It bothers me sometimes... what if I'd noticed Tom beforehand? Where would we be now?"
"Don't," Franz gently grabs Scott again by the shoulder. "You'll get nowhere with that train."
"You're right."
"So what changed?"
"New Years happened. Me and Theo had just taken the first step into our relationship, and Tom hooked up with Brian."
"Who is this Brian?"
"He is..." Scott shakes his head. "Was a friend of mine. Giant bull. He had a crush on me, we used to cuddle a lot. It was a platonic, brotherly sort of cuddling, if that's even a thing. He grew more irritable after me and Theo got together. Started drinking. Tom got annoyed too. The two of them ended up fucking on New Years, and... that's when everything went to hell."
"How so?"
"Tom's family...A couple of day after New Years, his sister found out that he's gay, and outed him to his parents. They kicked him out. He's been a mess." Scott grimaces. "Brian rejected him. Broke his heart. Brian started drinking, Tom broke down completely."
"Is that how you fell for him?" Franz murmurs. "By taking care of him?"
"Pretty much. I had to be there for him. He's my best friend." Scott gazes at the surface, soft winds now causing faint ripples. "Except he wanted me. Twice we snogged. The first time we laughed about it. The second time, he exposed himself. I think that was when it started for me. The third time was in the shower on Friday."
"But you two never had sex?"
"No. I think we would have though, last Friday, if the doorbell didn't ring..." Scott sighs again. "It feels right with him. Hold him. Nuzzle him. Kiss him. To be honest, I don't know why we never went there."
"What about Theo? Is it the same?"
"It is, except it's not? I could..." Scott looks up, his gaze upon Franz's face. The dormouse looks concerned. "... I could spend every night in Theo's arms. Wake up every morning and know that I'm the luckiest wolf in the world. And yet... And yet I could do the same with Tom."
"And Oscar?"
"And Oscar." Scott shakes his head exasperatedly, as he fiddles with his left ear. "Does that make me shallow?"
"No," Franz replies gently. "Not at all. I'll not lie. It isn't ideal. I do feel a little envious, though."
"Why?" Scott says flatly, quietly.
"It's not every day you have three people in your life you're in love with who feel the same way." Franz pats him on the shoulder and turns his gaze skywards. "If it were me, I don't imagine I could make a choice. I suppose you feel the same way?"
"Yeah, I couldn't either," Scott sighs as he wrings his hands and joins the dormouse in skygazing. Above, a single cloud heralds the great tsunami soon to drown the skies and the streets with rain. The blistering sun seems harsher somehow, as though to overcompensate. It leaves Scott longing for the spring rain.
"Was I right, then?" Franz asks after a long while.
"About what?"
"Did it help to talk about it?"
Scott's hands grow limp, nestled against his legs. He notes how slowly he's breathing, how quiet the world is for just that one moment. "Yes, it did. Thank you."
...of the Pastoral, the Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd is Raleigh's deconstruction of this perpetually idyllic lifestyle.
Scott taps the paper with his pen as he rifles through his anthology. His eyes dart across the index until he finds Raleigh; as he turns the page, the doorbell rings downstairs. There is a short moment wherein he hears muffled voices, then they drift away. Scott returns to his books to find The Lie, and he delves into its stanzas.
In the dim light of his table lamp he scarcely notices the creak of the stairs; the knock on his bedroom door leaves him startled.
"Scott?" Charles calls from the other side. "You have a visitor."
"Okay," Scott replies as he pushes away his anthology. The door swings open. Scott, still in his chair, is face to face with his bear. Theo stands before him, his whiskers laden with raindrops, his eyes puffy, his shirt drenched through to his fur.
"Scott, we need to talk."
Scott tries to look into Theo's blue, but his eyes falter. Scott's father closes the door behind them; both bear and wolf remain tense until the footsteps are out of earshot.
"You're wet," Scott says quietly.
"It's raining," Theo remarks with a grimace. He sits down on the bedside, though his eyes never leave Scott's face. "Scott, I've been thinking so much about you. About us. About what happened. No, let me talk," he continues as he interrupts Scott, who opens his mouth momentarily. "Please. I've run it through my head so many times now. Everything. Haven't slept much, to be honest, 'cause I couldn't figure out what I actually wanted from you. Wanted to hear from you."
Theo runs a hand through his wet headfur, scrubbing his left ear in particular for a moment. "I thought about a lot of things. At first I thought maybe it'd be best for us if we broke up. It made me fucking sick to even think about that. Or maybe that I should demand an apology, that I'd want to hear you say you're sorry? It's just... I don't want to lose you, Scott, but you're scaring the shit out of me."
"How?" Scott replies, his voice still as his palms touch.
"You're... you're so fucking calm. When you had your outburst last Friday, I didn't..." Theo clenches his fists, as his voice trembles. "I never thought you could be so angry. What fucking terrified me though was the silence afterwards. You just went quiet and when you told me and Oscar to leave, it...it.."
The bear's shiver slowly fades away as his voice falters. Scott notes the defeat in his face.
"Scott, are we even still together?" Theo croaks as he looks up at the wolf. Scott averts his eyes.
"Are we?" Scott replies, his voice still calm.
"I'm asking you," Theo tries not to whimper, but his voice fails. "Do you even want to be with me anymore?"
"Of course I do. How could I not want to be with you? I've wanted you since that English project in tenth. Always since that day. I never thought you'd ever want to go out with somebody like me, and then you went and did that. The day you said yes to me asking you out is the best day of my life. Of course I want to be with you." Scott closes his eyes and splays his ears. "I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you answer the phone on Saturday?" Theo whimpers, though more steadily than before.
"I was too ashamed." Scott wrings his hands. "Ashamed, and angry. Hated myself for fucking up the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't want to think anymore. I still don't want to."
There is a very soft sniffle - Scott is unable to discern from who - before his fingers are slowly pried apart. Scott opens his eyes to see Theo kneel before him, while he cradles his hands. "I'm sorry too, Scott. You told me about Tom, and about Oscar, and I never thought it would bother me until it was too late."
"We should've talked more," Scott mutters angrily, more to himself than the bear.
"We should have, but we're here now, aren't we?" Theo replies, with another stifled sob. "Scott, I love you. The last week has been the worst week of my life."
"I love you too," Scott mumbles quietly. Theo squeezes their hands together as he rises slowly from the ground until they both are nose to nose. Scott breathes in the bear before their lips touch, and with a slow, determined kiss Scott can't help but smile. Theo grins too, his happiness showing through his slowly drying fur. "So... so we're still together?"
"Of course we are... we've had crises before, we got through them, we'll get through this, won't we?
"Yeah," Scott huffs, with small, frantic nods. "Yeah, we will."
"Scott, after last Friday, I..." the bear murrs slowly as he sinks down on the ground again. His voice is warm, almost giddy with excitement, as he rubs his left ear. "I thought I'd lost you. I was terrified. I dreaded coming here so fucking much, because I was afraid you'd break up with me."
"No," Scott whimpers with a tremble. "No, never."
Theo's grin grows wider as his sniffles mix with a laugh in his throat. "I can't imagine my life without you, Scott. I tried so hard to figure out what I'd do if we did break up. I couldn't. I just... couldn't. You were always there with me. So I thought long and hard about this, and..."
"Theo..." Scott whispers.
"Scott," Theo murmurs slowly, his voice warm and different, lighter and laden with anticipation. Scott bites his lower lip as Theo reaches into his jacket, and he pulls out a small black box. Wordlessly, Scott lets Theo puts the box in the palm of his hand, and the bear opens it with thumb and forefinger. In the gleam of the desk lamp Scott sees a thick silver band. "Will you spend your life with me?"