Chapter 15
Lost In The Mist © 2015 Sinclair Diavante
Chapter 15.
I woke up with a pounding headache. A huge variety of sounds and smells assaulted me as I rolled over, onto my feet. I scented blood, my own and something else's. That something else made my stomach clench up and growl. I was extremely hungry. Distant instincts warned me that I hadn't eaten for many days, and if I didn't eat soon, I would fall weak and die.
I scanned the area, glancing up into the blue sky, past large trees with thick foliage. Birds twittered at me as sunlight filtered down through gently swaying branches. The wind had a chill to it, but the freshly risen sun hinted at some heat on its way. I heard the buzzing of flies and glanced behind me, at a mauled corpse of a deer, its throat was torn open. When I licked my muzzle, I could taste it, I had killed it.
Scrutinizing the area slowly, I felt confusion despite the increasing awareness of my surroundings. It didn't make any sense, where was I? I glanced down at my hands, my paws, and my eyes opened wide when I tried to move my thumb. It was only a useless nub with a claw sticking out, right next to my wrist. My four fingers were short, I had no dexterity, and I could pick up nothing.
I stumbled trying to stand up, realizing that I was quadruped, and walking on only my hind paws was impossible. I nuzzled my sheath, and felt nothing but me inside, I twisted my neck around, no collar, too. My head throbbed, when I brushed a paw over it, I felt a big wet lump under my fur, at the top of my skull.
Something had almost killed me. I stared at the deer, knowing it was responsible. My mouth leaked drool.
I tore into its succulent flesh, uncaring of how cold and stiff it was. It must have been decomposing for a day or two. I ate as if it was both my first and last meal, and I stripped its bones of everything I could swallow. I cracked the bones between my teeth, chewed, and licked the marrow inside. Despite its size, I felt stupid and inexperienced; there really wasn't as much meat on its body as I had estimated. There were still its insides remaining, but I just couldn't bring myself to try digging into the soft sack of its belly. I was mostly full, anyway.
A new desire came next, intense thirst. I got up and blinked slowly as the world swam around me, but it righted itself and I trotted up a trail. Leaves crunched under my paws, thick bushes with green leaves and small red berries pulled and snagged at my fur. I felt completely out of my element, nothing made any sense at all.
What about Mist and his ship, was that all just a dream? I heard something small bolt through the forest ahead of me, it was running away. The sound startled me to a halt; I sniffed the ground and accidentally took in a big snort of dirt, sneezing repeatedly until the burning ceased.
This certainly was no dream. I raised my muzzle to the air and took in deep breaths, trying to sort out everything I could smell. I wanted water, and I caught a whiff of something clean and crisp. I picked up the pace in that direction and loped through the forest, travelling at a speed I knew I could sustain for the rest of the day, if needed. A log was in my path and I sailed over it effortlessly. I had narrow shoulders and forearms, my neck was long, and I felt light on my paws. I could have jumped much higher if I needed to.
Wasn't this normal? Something in my mind laughed at me, then turned grim. My past was only imaginary. Nothing but fever dreams after a near-fatal injury to my head. Ships, I knew about ships! I knew they were made of... what were they made of?
I stopped and stared at the ground, focusing, trying my hardest to bring up technical details that would surely prove my past. They would prove that this was the dream, that this wasn't real.
Nothing came.
I couldn't even remember what a ship was, almost as if it were a detail that I had felt plenty of times, right after waking up. Sourced from a dream, it would take another association to spring such clues, as my mind yielded to reality, burned up in the sun like mist. I felt like I had been lost in the mist, but as I ran forward, I escaped its clutches and took back the awareness of my surroundings.
The trail I was following led me to an open meadow, barren of trees and full of green grass and wildflowers shimmering in the wind. White clouds stretched forever into the distance. I looked around cautiously, entering such an open expanse.
What was I afraid of? What could hunt me?
I felt strong... the strongest. I raced out into the meadow and tore my way up a hill, overlooking a lake with a glassy surface unbroken by waves for half of its length. I stared around at the peacefulness and tranquility, but I didn't like it, something was nagging in the back of my mind. I was alone, and I didn't like being alone.
I ran down the hill to the water's surface, and lapped at it, cautiously at first. It was cold and tasted exotic, incredibly refreshing. I drank like I'd never satisfied my thirst in my whole life. Why had I no memories of it ever tasting like this?
Soon the taste faded, and I knew that if I drank any more, I'd get slow and stuffy. I stared down into the water's surface, watching my reflection. That's me, I'm a wolf, and I look the same as I always have. Yellow eyes fading into green, brown patches over my eyes, white above them. Black nose and lips, sharp white teeth. I growled low and deep, there were no teeth missing. When were they missing?
It must have all been a dream. What was my name? I stared at some animals swimming together in a group, not far from me. Ducks, they muttered quietly to themselves, swimming along. I recognized them, knew they would be tasty but hard to catch. Where did their name come from? Frustration peaked and I pushed it out of my mind.
I turned and raced through the meadow, to the forest at the other side, sniffing the ground to locate another deer trail. Those ducks, they had the right idea. Find your own kind, yes, I wanted that. I'd feel safe and secure if I found more of me.
I paused and did something that felt natural. I raised my muzzle to the sky and howled, as loud as I could. Here I am! Where are you? I stopped short and swiveled my ears around, listening for the response I wanted so badly. When I heard nothing, I felt a part of me sadden.
I explored the forest stretching out before me, making a map inside of my head of where things were. It felt good lifting my leg to spray little spurts of urine on things. I sniffed them afterwards with a sense of satisfaction that was unparallel. That was mine, and I lifted my leg to get it to go as high as possible, so if anyone else came along, they'd know how tall I was. That would make them think twice before trying to make it theirs.
The sky darkened as the sun set. I stared up at the moon, wondering what it was. The name had surely come to me from a previous dream. It didn't matter. I only knew that it would change as the days progressed.
I found a hollow under a tree that had fallen over, and it felt good to curl up under it. Laying there quietly, I played the day's events back, over and over through my mind. It felt like I was missing something, and the only thing I could think that to be, was more of my kind. I pined and yearned for them. I let out another howl, a long, lonely song, then swiveled my ears to try and catch any response.
When there was none, I lay my head on my paws and drifted off to sleep.
I woke up on the next day, feeling surprised and confused. I had dreamed that I could walk on my hind paws, and I remembered vocalizing in a strange manner, long drawn out growls that made me move my lips in sometimes-painful ways. So strange. I got up and stretched out, feeling my stomach wake up. I was hungry, and the other parts of that deer were suddenly appetizing. I remembered where it was, so I raced in that direction to find it.
I arrived starving and panting. I smelled many other animals, though, and there was nothing left but bones. I was furious, growling, that was mine! I howled into the cold morning air. This was mine! Flies were everywhere, and small white worms inched their way around the bones. I needed to eat, and turned and ran through the forest, hoping to find something else.
Hunger drove me forward, I ran and ran, eating was the top priority. I scented both the wind and the ground, and eventually found something intriguing, something fresh. It smelled like the feet of that deer I ate yesterday. I turned around in circles, trying to figure out which direction it came from, the direction it was headed to. I picked one and followed, lifting my feet carefully, quietly. I felt the urge to be silent.
Something turned its head to look at me, and I froze. It was huge and very tall, that's a deer. I wanted it, but I had no confidence that I could kill it. So hungry, I wanted to eat it... I threw myself forward to leap onto it. The deer turned and bolted, and watching it run away made my muscles sing with the melody of strength.
Now I really had to have it, and I chased it through the forest to the exclusion of all else. Trees rushed by on my left and right. Obstacles I dove under or sprang over. Suddenly, I couldn't see it anymore, had it gone this way or that way? I chose a direction and kept running... but it was gone, I couldn't smell it. I turned around to find its path but I knew already... I couldn't catch it. Not alone.
The chase only intensified my hunger. I caught the flash of something small, running through the forest. Glimpses of white fur. I chased it down and easily had it by the neck, whipping it back and forth until it ceased moving. It was full of something hot and delicious, its blood tasted like life itself. I ate everything, even the bones. I just couldn't help myself, it tasted so good. I was thirsty afterwards and I trotted to the lake to drink from its calm surface. I stared at the mountains in the distance, knowing their snow-covered peaks would be cold, but unsure as to how I knew that since I'd never been there.
A week went by without finding any others of my kind. Then another, which served only to intensify my scrutiny of the passing days. Memories of my past were vague, everything I did felt new, like I hadn't experienced any of it before. All I could conclude was that I had been seriously injured taking down that deer. Such was laughable; I had not been able to take down any others. They always ran from me and I simply could not keep up.
My hunting skills were awful, and I had to try eating anything that moved. Meals were often surprising, as I would spend half the day following the scent of something tasty, only to not find it. Then I'd bump into something else and chase it down.
My last meal was a couple of days previous. I named it a salamander, unsure why I wanted to call it that. It was cold and rubbery, and flavorless, I really wanted something hot and bloody. It was all I could find. I was so incredibly hungry...
I was sniffing at the ground, searching, when I found marks that smelled... insanely interesting. I filled my nose with dirt, uncaring of the pain, as I breathed it in as fast as I could. It smelled just like me, but it was different somehow. I needed a name, so I called it female. A female version of me, and I knew some level of pleasure existed between my legs that was made possible by her. I had no idea how or why.
I sat up tall and howled, putting my whole body into the cry. Where are you? Here I am!
The forest seemed to fall silent from the noise, as if everything in it was allowing me listen in to the sad nothingness.
I heard her response. The sound was unmistakable, I turned my head in the direction it came from and locked on.
I ran.
Faster, faster! I pinned my ears back because the wind was so loud in them with the speed I possessed. My heart pounded, I had never wanted something so bad in all my life than to find more of my kind.
I stopped some distance away when I saw a white head peering at me from around a large tree. As I approached cautiously, the head vanished and I shifted from lope back into run. I reached the area she had just been standing, sniffing at the fresh scent of her prints. They smelled clean, healthy, and warm. I wanted to feel that warmth, to nuzzle against it and to play and howl. I raced around the tree, searching for her, but I couldn't find her. I sniffed at the ground and found her scent headed in many directions, this was an area of forest I had not yet explored, it was new to me.
I was about to give up, when I turned around and there she was, facing me. My heart ached from witnessing such beauty. She was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. Her head was low, she sniffed at me curiously, tail held in high defiance, ears forward. I craned my neck and sniffed, desperate to be closer. Please don't run away. Our noses almost touched, and then I was past her barrier of protection, I sniffed in the scents of her fur, everywhere. I knew she'd been eating well, and I smelled others, too! I sniffed between her legs, under her tail, and stumbled. The feeling stunned me.
The whole time, her nose and whiskers were alive as she took in my scent. Her tail flitted about, as she read similar things about me. How poor I'd been eating, and how lonely I was. There were no others of our kind in my coat.
Then I noticed other eyes gazing at us, approaching. I was still trying to sort out the thoughts in my brain that had become so jumbled when I smelled her sex. I stood tall and peered around at other wolves approaching us. The wind carried the scent of some, and it was caution, wariness, guarded anger. I brushed my stomach against the ground as I crawled towards one. He took a whiff of my nose and sprang away.
I turned around and sought another of my kind. He was bigger, and further away. His green gaze was intimidating, and fear trickled down my spine as strange familiarity fell through my paws like dirt. Before I could get close to him, another male charged up to me, snapping his jaws near my neck. I flinched away and rolled onto my back. He growled and snapped a few more times, nipping me hard on the shoulder. Another moved in and did the same. I whimpered and whined, feeling another set of jaws grab at my hind paw. It bit down hard and I yelped, scrambling to my feet.
I was nearly surrounded with growling, furious snarls. They moved in as one, and I knew immediately that my life was about to end. These were not friends. I pushed off with my hind paws and ran harder than ever. My hope and joy melted into bitter fear. I paused and saw that they were still chasing me, so I ran ahead in the direction I had come from, to areas I knew better, to places I could hide.
I hid.
My hind paw ached where I'd been bit, along with a few other bruised areas. I licked them all gingerly and sighed. Instead of considering where I could go next, to be further away from them, though, I felt something else brew in my mind.
How far away did I have to remain?
I hunted and explored, and orbited the pack that so despised me. I stayed at the edges, and they ran me off more times than I could count. They didn't chase me far, and if there was one thing I could do well, it was run. I ran like lightning.
That was another word I had come up with, while huddling in my makeshift den under the tree. Rain was pouring, and the sky was alive with light, dancing from cloud to cloud. When I saw a branch of white shoot from one cloud to another, I decided that was me, that was how fast I could run.
My name was Lightning. A word I could not speak, but the concept remained.
The pack ate deer often, and they didn't linger around its carcass for long. I could tell where they were from certain howls they made after a fresh kill. I knew not to move in, right away, to do so would earn a chase that lasted for a very long time.
If I waited until the sun moved through half of the sky, the remains were easy to find, and I ate alone. Often, I imagined others were around, with me, feasting like I was. Everyone was happy and wagging their tails, life was good.
Months went by, and my hunting skills gradually improved. What used to be gnawing hunger all day, every day, slowly faded. I was rarely hungry. I knew how to follow rabbit tracks back to their warren. I knew where opossum liked to hang, and how to avoid their sharp teeth when I attacked their motionless bodies.
I couldn't stop hunting, so I began to bury my uneaten food. It seemed like a great idea at first, but often when I went searching for my treasures, I dug up nothing, or found an empty hole that had already been dug up.
One day, I had something hot and furry hanging from my jaws, and I had an idea.
I made my way carefully to the inner dwellings of the pack, which had so violently rejected me. I sniffed the ground and picked up the scents that were not her. I avoided those, orbiting the circle that marked their territory. When I found her, I headed in, chasing down her scent. Her white coat was easy to spot, and she growled at me from afar.
She was warning me. Not you, again, come no closer.
I kept my tail high and I stared at her for a while, motionless. I dropped what was in my jaws and backed up. She refused to approach, but I saw her lick her muzzle, she knew what I was trying to do. It took a great deal of effort to turn around and run away, especially leaving behind something I prized so greatly.
But I did it.
I hunted, I ate, and I brought her gifts. Sometimes I'd watch from as far as my eyes could see, downwind and huddled at the top of a hill, near a tree. I'd see her eat my gifts. I once saw others in her pack try to take one from her, and it was only then that I realized exactly how violent fights amongst my kind could become. Apparently I had received only a small taste of violence. It somehow made the experience of them driving me away hurt less. They clearly didn't want to kill me, it felt more like they just didn't know me. This realization gave me confidence, watching her defend my offerings.
One day I was hunting in what I had decided was my territory, areas that only I ever ventured into, when I looked up and saw her dazzling yellow eyes from just a short distance away. She had snuck up on me.
Instantly, I was alert. I was worried that her pack was here to take more of my territory, a concept which I knew I would fight, but it would be a losing battle. I stared around and sniffed the air. It was just her, as far as I could tell.
She smelled different, the scent built excitement in me, I felt a burning warmth between my legs in a way that reminded me of how I felt right after waking up, but it was much more intense. She was in heat, and something in the back of my mind knew what potential that could involve. Distant instincts took the foreground in my head, and I sniffed and rubbed my body up against her.
She was receptive and did the same, her scent was calm and interested. All the food I had provided in the past made her seek me out, for reasons I would probably never understand.
Her scent was driving me wild, I had never before felt lust, the desire to fuck. I knew what that meant, and I wasted no time. I mounted her with a distinctly divine pleasure overcoming my body. That she let me, and even seemed interested in such, only made it all the better. I squeezed her with my front paws and arched my back, thrusting as hard as I could, shutting my eyes in ecstasy as she squeezed what I pushed inside her.
I felt pain when I tried to pull out, so I relaxed and panted, licking her ears, trying not to let anxiety plague my thoughts. My body was stuck inside of her, and I worried that that was a problem. It felt so good, surely nothing this amazing could be bad.
That was when I caught the whiff of someone else, another male in her pack. He was furious. I looked up at him, not far off, and felt a pang of guilt. I turned my muzzle and spotted another. The big white and black male with the green eyes. He ran up to me, snapping his jaws. The female under me tried to run away, but I was still firmly stuck inside her. I yelped as she tried to bolt, amidst a flurry of snaps and bites from every member of her pack. Both she and I received many painful nips. Finally, the part between my legs pulled out, and I raced away, my ears flat. They took chase, but I was Lightning.
None could catch me.
I continued bringing her tasty things to eat, but found her progressively more difficult to reach as the weeks passed. She seemed to be staying closer to the inner circle of her pack's territory. I was driven away relentlessly by her pack, again and again. Sometimes I even had to drop the food I'd brought, just to make a clean getaway.
The urge to find her grew, and I became more insistent. I didn't turn and run at the first sight of her pack mates. I stood my ground, and they had to join together in order to drive me away. The chase never lasted for more than few leaps, because I was Lightning and they all knew it.
Deeper and deeper I went, selecting a path past a wolf previous I had stood my ground to. He snarled as I walked by him, but since he was alone, he made no aggressive motions towards me. I ignored him, savoring the strange territory I had never before been inside.
Other wolves raced to confront me. I gave them all menacing stares. I continued forward, searching for her. When another got in my way, I stared into his eyes and padded right by him, silent.
The big white and black one with the green eyes confronted me. His gaze I avoided, a deep thought in my head said to respect this one. He snapped at me and I leapt out of his reach. The rest of his pack were uninterested in attacking me, and proving that fact, I knew, would undermine his authority.
When our eyes met again, I saw the same calculations in his head. So I ignored him. Her scent was strongest in a hole dug under a fallen tree. I crawled inside, sniffing heavily in the complete darkness. When my eyes adjusted, I barely saw her lying on her side. She growled at me at first, but then leaned forward to lick my nose, my whiskers. Simultaneously, something shattered in my mind and at the same time solidified.
She smelled hungry, and I would bring her something good. I left her den and none gave chase, but I turned and stood sideways.
I would be coming back. I growled the message and dared anyone to stare at me, to stand in my way. I pretended to ignore the green-eyed Alpha, and if he was smart, he'd let me do what I wanted to do.
In short order, a rabbit was between my jaws, screaming it's life's song as I bit down and shattered its neck. As badly as I wanted to eat it, the desire to feed her was much stronger.
None blocked my path back into the pack's territory. The big Alpha watched with approval in his scent. Everyone, upon seeing his lack of aggression towards me, surrounded me with a new emotion.
Happiness.
From the moment I left her burrow, I was assaulted with noses and paws and whiskers. Not a single tooth tried parting my fur. I rubbed up against everyone, tails wagged, I felt welcome in a way that made my eyes water.
Some number of weeks later, I tried bringing her some food, but was met with fierce snarls. Keep out! I scented others in her den, several new, innocent wisps of life. She sounded like she'd tear my throat open if I didn't leave, and I only reluctantly did.
Two weeks later, she came out on her own, thin and frail, but in good spirits. The rest of the pack surrounded her as she took a well-known path to a creek. I was going to join her, but something in her burrow had my mind's eye. I snuck into it and found five fluffs of fur staring at me. I licked blunt muzzles and tickled tummies, feeling satisfaction that went deeper than my blood. Their scent was just like mine and hers combined. It made an instinct in me come alive, I had never before felt so well and healthy. I exited the burrow and howled up into the sky the joyous note of happy. Others around me picked up on the howl and we sang into the air together.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks stretched into colder months. Our pups grew large under the direction of our Alpha. He knew all the right times and places to hunt. We never went hungry, our attack formations on herds of deer stunned them into silence. We did not chase, we surprised.
I continued to name things. She was named Snow, for the color of her coat. Our pups were two females and three males. The females I named Hopper and Bird, for their propensity to jump and try to play with winged creatures. The males took on more serious names. Fang, for his jaw strength when fighting. Goof, because that's what he was. And Streak... because he could run even faster than me.
Months stretched into years.
I was unsurprised to find our brood growing into bodies that resembled me and my mate's appearance. Snow and I were inseparable. Often I felt like I had the intelligence to even lead our pack, but we remained high-ranking members below beta. I felt certain Fang would run things, some day. It would be a long time before that happened.
The only time Snow wasn't by my side, was when she was off hunting to bring me something. A meal that's hard to catch gives a strong appreciation in the receiver. I knew how hard she had to run to catch whatever it was. She would lean against me and nibble on my neck while I carefully ate, enjoying every moment. Then I'd stare into her yellow eyes as she licked my muzzle clean. We would roll around on the ground and play like puppies at every chance, which given how old we were becoming, was quite the sight.
Our Alpha I had named Mist. It just seemed appropriate; he came and went like the morning Mist. It was rare that I interacted with him for more than a minute on any given day. His attention was intense, he would test me and sniff me and single me out from the others. I'd stare into his eyes while he looked me over, which he let happen only when no one was watching.
One day, we were chasing down a deer. I don't remember who had the lead, probably Mist. Occasionally, wolves get hurt during the chase, usually from sprained feet from uneven terrain. Snow yelped and fell, I saw her fly by me and felt my ears prick, I would go back to see that she was all right. The buck was down in just seconds after that, snorting and coughing as his arteries were punctured by fangs, pouring blood into his lungs.
I raced back to Snow and found her limping towards me, licking her muzzle in fright. My world seemed to slow down, she was trailing copious amounts of blood from her left thigh. It was bright and foamy in the sun, clearly arterial. The buck must have got her with his antlers. She collapsed next to me and I licked her muzzle while she whimpered.
There was nothing I could do...
I sniffed at the wound, all the blood. What could I do? Shouldn't I be able to do something? I raced back to her muzzle, licked, and sniffed. She stared into my eyes and gave me one last lick, then sighed.
She was dead.
I couldn't believe it, I refused to believe it. No! No, please no. Anyone but this, anything but this. I howled into the air as loud as I could, all anguish and despair. The rest of my pack came up to me and saw Snow laying there, all the blood. They whimpered and howled and nosed me.
No!
I ran. I ran as hard as I could, not even caring where. I knew the area for hundreds of miles in every direction, I could never get lost. But I wanted to be lost, I wanted to see nothing that reminded me of the time she was by my side. I ran to my old den, the oldest place I could remember.
I hated that I could even smell her here, as we'd slept on numerous occasion while apart from the pack. I took in that scent and stretched out, sighing. We weren't even hungry, why did we even bother going after that buck?
I spent a long time thinking about my past with Snow. I remembered the first time I had seen her, how beautiful she was as the wind tossed her fur around in the sunlight. Glacial, arctic white. Those were the concepts I attributed, but for why, I had no idea. I knew I had a vast imagination, and I even knew I was somehow different from the other wolves in my pack.
After a day, I returned to the site of the kill. My pack had remained, lounging around and fending off any scavengers. Some choice parts lay in the carcass, clearly left for me. I stared at Snow's crumpled body, and thought about how, as soon as we left, something else would eat her just like the deer sitting in front of me. That was entirely unacceptable, so I did the only thing I knew to protect the things that were important to me.
I dug a hole next to her.
I dug it deep, and the sun moved across half the sky before I was satisfied. I nosed and pushed her into the hole, cringing at the thump her lifeless body made when it landed at the bottom. I filled in all the loose dirt on top of her. The rest of my pack watched out of curiosity, and I would have chased any of them away if they had tried to help, but they didn't.
Only then did I fill my belly. I ate and growled at no one and everyone. I cracked bones, chewed on gristle. I felt angry at my loss, angry at the emptiness in my heart. Wolves mate for life, and when separated by instances such as these, they never find another. I knew that in my deepest mind's eye.
When I reached my fill, I howled long and sad. She wasn't there to lick my muzzle clean, and I couldn't lick hers ever again. I felt crushed, the act of eating was always so good, with her beside me. Now I felt alone, but my pack moved in on me, surrounding me. They didn't howl, they only stared silently. My Alpha nosed me with his intense green gaze. My young offspring looked at me with unsure expressions, tails low, ears back.
I needed to own this situation, I needed to be strong for the rest to see me as an example. So I stood taller and averted my eyes from my Alpha, but I licked my sons and daughters noses, staring in the direction we called home.
We left, and while it was probably the last time any of them ever came back to that spot, I returned at the change of every season. I curled up on the bare spot on the ground where I had buried my mate. I'd given up thinking of things I could have done to prevent her death, and instead focused on being the strongest wolf she would have wanted me to be.
The years continued to come and go with the seasons. Other pack members came and went, as strangers drifted in while others died. My own offspring were big and strong, and I could see gray coating my muzzle as I panted at my reflection in the water.
Yes, I was getting up in the years. I was no longer the fastest runner, but I didn't care. My name was Lightning. And it always would be.