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Chapter 8: Just Say When

The next night, when the four warriors set out once more, Kel fell to the back of the procession. There was no point making a show of not avoiding Zaldon now when the group (with the exception of Yzlo) now knew what he was feeling. And besides, it would make things much easier on him if he wasn't staring up into Zaldon's balls as they climbed the rest of the cliffs. Now that he'd been with Zaldon again, it was even harder than before for Kel to control his urges, and he knew he would have a much more difficult time keeping it down when he heard Zaldon grunting and shifting, when he saw Zaldon's flexing muscles, when he caught the whiff of Zaldon's cock. He would think back to the day before, when Zaldon had held him so close, had whispered so tenderly of love . . . He felt guilty that he didn't love Zaldon the way he loved him. He imagined how he'd feel if Aliona, after all his long years of pinning for her, had rejected his love. It would have torn him up inside. He thought he understood now more than ever why Zaldon had taken him so brutally, why Zaldon had humiliated him, and (even though Zaldon had been wrong for it regardless) Kel had already forgiven him.

It wasn't long before they reached the peak of the rock face. Just as Zaldon had said, a pine forest stretched away from them to the dark horizon. The stars seemed so much larger and closer now, and the scent of the pine was delicious. The air was distinctly biting up here: the frosty wind ran its fingers through their fur, conjuring shivers that they repressed the better to look like strong, invincible males. A small sprinkle of snow was on the ground and on the trees. Kel was shocked: he had never imagined that a world of snow could exist right next door, it seemed, to a world where snow only came in the winter. His home down below was warm and pulsing and alive compared to this world above the cliffs where everything was deadly silent and deadly still and sprinkled in snow.

The group paused on the edge of the pine forest to catch their breath and stretch from the long climb. Then they set off again, Zaldon once more in the lead. They moved in a line, each wolf with several feet of space between him. This was the way they had been trained as pups to foot march: if they were spaced well apart, it was more likely that they would hear if they were being followed. It was very difficult to hear your enemy approaching if your ally is making noise in front of you. And so Kel was surprised when Loryn, who'd been walking in front of him, slowed down and dropped back to his side.

Kel felt his cheeks grow hot when his friend smiled wisely at him.

"You fucked, didn't you?" Loryn whispered, still smiling as if in triumph.

Kel said nothing and looked straight ahead, his ears going flat on his head in his irritation.

"You know how I know?" continued Loryn, and Kel felt his friend brush a finger at his cheek. He looked around to see Loryn had dragged a bit of his war paint off. The blue clay was clinging in a runny glob to his dark gray finger. Loryn smiled again, the stripes on his face twisting, "Your war paint has been dripping."

Kel made a noise of aggravation and looked away. "So?" he demanded roughly. "I'm not in love with him or anything. I love --"

"Aliona," finished Loryn for him. "I know. I can't help but feel proud of you, though. I've spent all these years trying to make you face your fears and it wound up being Zaldon who did it. I'm glad in the end that it was Zaldon. I don't care much for making love. I like to fuck males, not love them."

Kel felt his face growing hotter, his embarrassment increasing tenfold. "How do you know he was gentle? Were you listening?" he demanded angrily.

"God, yes, and jerking myself off too. You think I was going to sleep through that when I knew it was going to happen?" answered Loryn with a laugh, shocking his friend. "You were as horny for him as a bitch in heat, and Zaldon can't say no to cock. All that squelching and moaning was too fucking hot for me to sleep through. Sometimes I even stole a peek. You looked so sexy with your tail up, your ass in the air --"

Kel gave a warning growl. "Shut up, Loryn, or so help me god!"

Loryn chuckled and put a fond paw on Kel's shoulder. "I'm happy for you, Kel. I'm proud of you: it takes a real male to get fucked in the ass."

Kel felt his muscles tensing angrily, but he relaxed with Loryn's last words.

"You have no idea how much Zaldon cares about you," went on Loryn, growing serious. He watched Zaldon's distant bulk with sympathetic eyes. "I think he'd do anything for you, anything at all. I mean, he really does love you. He made me swear not to tell. You know how I found out?"

Kel waited, his ears pricked forward curiously in spite of his humiliation.

"He was fucking me at one of those tail chaser meetings. Was getting pretty rough too: humping my back, banging me away. But suddenly, he takes me in his arms and holds me close, and as he's coming in my ass, he shouts your name."

Kel didn't know what to say to this. Zaldon had been longing to make love to him, not fuck him, according to the way Loryn had just described being taken in his arms. Only lovers held each other like that. Only if there was a bond was there hugging, Kel knew, for he could never see himself not hugging Loryn and not kissing Loryn on the mouth. He and Loryn had been lovers, not fuck buddies. Loryn had always been gentle when jerking him off, had especially been gentle when he sucked him, and there had been much kissing and hugging beneath the waterfall, not ruthless grabbing and spanking -- even though at times, Kel sensed that Loryn wanted to be rough with him. But Loryn was always gentle for Kel's sake. And Zaldon, all these years, had been longing to do the same to Kel: had been longing to kiss him and hold him and suck him tenderly. Kel started to wish that Zaldon had come to him, had asked to join their secret sessions of touching and kissing under the waterfall.

"And then he climbs off of me looking all embarrassed!" went on Loryn, as if he still couldn't believe it even to this day: Zaldon of all males, embarrassed! "He asked me not to tell anyone, and I asked him, 'You're in love with Kel, aren't you?' He told me it didn't matter since he'd never have a chance with you: you only liked pussy. But I told him the truth. I told him that you liked cock just fine, you just didn't want anyone to know."

"And you're the reason he came after me!" Kel growled.

"Are you sorry?" said Loryn shrewdly.

Loryn was right, of course: Kel wasn't sorry at all. He had enjoyed being with Zaldon very much, had spent the morning trying to sleep, fighting fantasies of being in Zaldon's arms under the waterfall, of having Zaldon suck him, of having Zaldon fuck him.

"Okay, you're right," Kel admitted grudgingly, unable to bear Loryn's wise smiling. "I liked it, okay? You should know: you heard it all this morning. But I'm not glad he came after me during the mating season like that! I'd never been so humiliated in my life."

"And whose fault is that?" said Loryn. Not needing an answer to his question, Loryn clapped Kel fondly on the ass, then moved to walk ahead of him once more.

When dawn came again, stretching its pale fingers between the trees, the four warriors made camp. As Loryn and Yzlo were first to pull watch, Kel was only too happy to go to sleep. Beneath his sleeping furs, he felt the hard-on he'd been holding back all night finally throb thick against his rippling abs. Dipping his head under the sheets a moment, he gave his paw a slobbering lick and then started working very slowly at his cock for fear any vigorous pumping would draw attention to himself. He'd been thinking of both Aliona and Zaldon all day. What if he could have them together? That would be his ultimate climax: being inside of Aliona and fondling her breasts and her clit while Zaldon pumped himself thick inside his ass. God, if only it could've been that way at the mating season, but such a thing would never happen: males weren't supposed to fuck males during the mating season. Males were supposed to fuck females to continue the cycle of life. And while it was perfectly normal for a couple males to wander off into the forest alone together, two males and a female wandering off alone (especially if one of the males was married to the female) would be prosecuted. Punished. Perhaps banished. Even in some cases, stoned to death. No, there was no way Kel could ever have these desires come true for him, but it didn't hurt to dream . . .

Some hours later, Kel was prodded awake by Yzlo, who jokingly told him to get his ass up so he could sleep. Kel sat up with a grin, clapping Yzlo's dark gray back. "All right, all right! I'm up!"

Kel was pleased to see that Zaldon was already sitting beside the fire and, what was even better: Loryn had already slipped into his furs. He didn't want anymore teasing from Loryn. Loryn had made a show of smiling meaningfully at him and Zaldon all through dinner, to Yzlo's utter bewilderment. Zaldon had simply ignored Loryn, but Kel was horrified when Zaldon would occasionally give him a loving smile.

Once during dinner when Zaldon accidentally brushed his tail against Kel in passing, Kel's dick had almost gone stiff with desire. Feeling his cock start to rise, Kel had choked on his food and had been clapped on the back by Yzlo, who looked between Kel and Zaldon as if something had dawned on him.

Now thoroughly embarrassed, Kel had ventured some distance into the trees on the pretense of taking a piss, but he secretly gave himself a vigorous rubbing to make the hard-on stop, and ashamed of his lack of control, couldn't look anyone in the eye when he returned to the camp. But just looking at Yzlo, he knew that the dark gray male now knew that Kel liked cock just as much as Zaldon and Loryn. Kel was relieved when Yzlo didn't seem to care. They just went on with their meal as if nothing had happened, though Loryn gave Kel more of his taunting smiles.

Loryn had been so mocking with his smiles and his coughs and his stares that Kel had almost become furious with him. He was exceedingly glad suddenly that he and Loryn did not share watch: he would have wrestled Loryn to the ground and they would have fought. Loryn, however, would have just laughed it off, for Kel's anger only would have confirmed that he was struggling with feelings of arousal around Zaldon.

As Yzlo slipped gladly into his sleeping furs, Kel took a seat beside Zaldon. The hulking white wolf was tossing twigs idly into the flames. He smiled when Kel reached over and squeezed his knee, but otherwise did not respond. Something was wrong here. Kel tried again. This time, Zaldon placed a paw over Kel's, rubbed it, but pushed it away.

"Zaldon? Don't you want to . . .?"

"Of course I want to!" Zaldon snapped.

Kel sat very still, wondering what was the matter.

"It's just . . . I can't . . ." Zaldon stammered, and Kel was shocked to see a tear glisten in his eye. Big, seven-foot-tall Zaldon . . . was crying? He hadn't seen Zaldon cry since they were pups! Something was really wrong here.

"What is it?" Kel asked earnestly, squeezing and rubbing Zaldon's shoulder.

Zaldon shook his head and tossed a last twig into the flames. "It's nothing. Forget it," he said, looking Kel in the eye. The serious fire was there again, and Kel felt himself getting aroused all over again.

Zaldon leaned forward and kissed Kel on the mouth, pulling him into his arms. Kel yielded to his touch, for he had thought of nearly nothing else all night. If only Aliona was here. If only she was here so he could hold her and kiss her and fuck her while he was being held and kissed and fucked. He would make noises come out of her even as Zaldon was making noises come out of him. God, he longed for her big, soft tits in his paws. And, god, he longed for Zaldon's cock in his ass!

Kel shivered as Zaldon's burly arms enfolded him, his paws becoming more and more urgent on his body. Then Zaldon spread Kel's buttocks and slipped his fingers inside. Kel moaned, his tail shivering to the tip. God, yes, he needed this . . . Zaldon pressed Kel down onto his furs, then slurped his own paw until the thick drool was gushing over it. Kel was confused. Why didn't Zaldon just let him suck him? And . . . why did Zaldon look so grim? But Zaldon, ignoring the questions in Kel's eyes, slicked the drool over his cock, and taking Kel by the tail, he flipped him onto his belly. Kel felt the cold air hit his anus when his butt cheeks were spread and then that first, warm, thick, burst of Zaldon's cock forcing its way inside. He lifted his head and groaned, his entire body tense with pleasure. Zaldon leaned down, his head near Kel's, but . . . he didn't hold Kel close. He leaned his weight on his elbows instead as he pushed himself slowly in and out, giving little sighs of pleasure the deeper he pushed. Kel lay beneath Zaldon feeling used and abandoned: Zaldon had not kissed him, Zaldon had not fondled his cock, Zaldon had not whispered of love -- what was going on here?

"Zaldon?" Kel began, his brows drawing together anxiously. "Please tell me what's wrong!"

"Nothing is wrong," Zaldon said irritably, and as if to shut Kel up, he drove his dick in painfully deep, covering Kel's mouth when he let out a choked shout.

"What the f-fuck has come over you?" Kel demanded angrily, ripping Zaldon's paw away. "Why are you hurting me. . .?"

"Because you're hurting me," Zaldon answered, his voice a snarl, and he banged himself deeper again.

Kel felt his anus rip open wider and shouted again, his cries at once muffled behind Zaldon's big paw. But Kel wasn't going to take being brutally raped by Zaldon! Not ever again! Furious now, he wriggled in Zaldon's grasp. He bucked his body and struggled up, but he couldn't get Zaldon's dick out and only wound up being held fast in Zaldon's arms, his back against his chest. Zaldon sat holding Kel to him, his muscular arms tight about him, his legs entrapping him, and when Kel struggled again, he was shocked to feel Zaldon bite him viscously on the neck. To his alarm, his dick throbbed and stood upright at this rough handling, and Zaldon chuckled softly.

"It's just like the mating season," Zaldon said, reaching down to squeeze Kel's dick. "You bucked and squirmed back then too, and yet your dick was as hard as mine."

Helpless in Zaldon's arms, Kel sat stiffly against him, his chest heaving rapidly from the struggle, his breath coming in little whimpers as Zaldon caressed and fondled his cock. He still had Zaldon's cock inside him (was being forced, in fact, to sit on it), and the bigger wolf's thick, slippery dick was holding him wide open.

"Why are you doing this?" Kel demanded, swallowing a whimper of ecstasy when Zaldon gave his dick a long stroke.

"I won't be used, Kel," Zaldon said in his ear. "Do you understand? I won't be used."

"I'm not using you!" cried Kel indignantly. He struggled in Zaldon's grasp again, but Zaldon gave his hips a jerk that made Kel's anus stretch a little wider, further admitting his cock. Gasping at the sudden thrust, Kel fell still again.

"You only pretend to care about me," went on Zaldon, and to Kel's amazement, he actually sounded very miserable. "I know you don't love me, but you're not really my brother either, are you? Do you really love Zaldon like a brother? Are we such great friends as you pretend?"

"Zaldon," said Kel calmly, "why are you saying these things? None of it is true. We are brothers! Where did you get the idea that I'm just using you for sex?"

To Kel's surprise, Zaldon let him go. Clenching his teeth, Kel slowly slid himself from Zaldon's cock and clutched at his butt, silently willing the pain away. Then he turned: Zaldon was sitting with his head bowed, his paws lying limp between his open legs.

"I have thought of nothing else all day," Zaldon whispered. "I thought to myself: what if I am fooling myself because I love him? What if he is just using me to satisfy his needs? What if he really cares nothing for me at all? And I thought I was being a fool for letting you do it . . . Dammit, why can't you just love me!" he snarled at the ground.

"But I do love you!" Kel burst before he even realized what he'd said. Overcome with affection, Kel grabbed the back of Zaldon's neck, brushing the corner of his jaw with his thumb. And he knew in his heart that it was true. This was love that he felt, not a brotherly love but something deeper. Something he'd been denying since Zaldon first made love to him on the cliff. Something he may have been denying . . . for years.

Zaldon only shook his head and pulled Kel into his arms. Kel rested his head against Zaldon's chest and was shocked to find the larger wolf was trembling! And wrapped in Zaldon's warmth, in his sweet smell, in his tender kisses, Kel finally admitted to himself that what he'd told Loryn was a lie: he did love Zaldon! What was this warmth he felt in his heart, this yearning, this affection, this devotion if not love? And he also realized that, if not for Aliona, he and Zaldon would have been lovers. Kel would have been marked as a tail chaser and would have lived out his life without a wife, without a family, perhaps living in the same hut with Zaldon as "roommates." But one thing remained: he loved Aliona! He loved his son! He had a family, and he couldn't leave them. Not for Zaldon, not for anyone. He felt terrible, pulled between two desires as he had been all his life. Why couldn't he just love one or the other? Why both? Why always both?

"Zaldon . . ." began Kel anxiously. He wanted to tell Zaldon that even though he loved him, they could not be together. God, he wanted to make him understand! But he suddenly wanted to keep Zaldon, as if somehow, they could be husbands -- even while he was married to Aliona. Ahhh. That would be heaven. If only it could happen. Kel thought back to all the times he'd found himself staring at Zaldon, the strange feelings, the longing that he'd been so careful to repress without even knowing. Damn it, I love you! That's what needed to be said. I love you, Zaldon. I've always loved you!

"Don't say anything," Zaldon said before Kel could speak, his voice choking. "Just . . . let me hold you in my arms . . ."

Kel did as Zaldon asked. They sat beside the fire for some time, Kel in Zaldon's lap, in Zaldon's arms. Zaldon kissed Kel on the mouth at intervals, then held him again, then buried his nose in his mane. Eventually, Kel felt Zaldon's dick throb upright against his leg. And then Zaldon was kissing him: passionately and desperately and hungrily, bending Kel back in his arms, eventually laying Kel on his furs.

Kel felt a great rush of different feelings: desire, sadness, love. He hated the misery in those beautiful black eyes! He didn't understand what had gone wrong. Looking desperately in Zaldon's eyes, Kel tried to make him understand. To Kel's relief, Zaldon stopped trembling and even smiled, seeming comforted at last.

Lifting Kel's hips toward him, Zaldon slipped himself in again, making Kel moan and tremble on the sheets. With glowing eyes, he pushed his way inside of Kel, slowly and gently, his eyes closed, his toned body flexing. He gathered Kel into his arms and they hugged as they rocked together, their hard bodies consumed in the heat of their passion, their lips touching as they gasped and choked out cries of ecstasy.

"I love you, Kel," Zaldon whispered, giving Kel a helpless look that went straight to his heart.

Kel went limp, weak with ecstasy, in Zaldon's arms. His head fell back, and he gave a soft laugh at the tingling pleasure Zaldon's loving lips left on his chest. "Oh, god, Zaldon . . . I love you, too. Don't you know that? I think . . . I always have."

"Oh, Kel . . ."

Kel looked up in alarm to hear the sob in Zaldon's voice, but when he saw Zaldon's face, he laughed: Zaldon was smiling mistily through his tears.

"I've been waiting," said Zaldon with a shake of his head, "years to hear you say that!"

Kel laughed too, and they kissed, and Zaldon was so happy, his big arms trembled harder. He dropped his forehead against Kel's, and they panted as they rocked together, their fur glistening with sweat as the setting sun solidified their hugging bodies in silhouette.

Kel gasped and bit his lip. He was getting close. His hard dick stood against Zaldon's belly, and it was being stroked by Zaldon's rough fur as they moved together. He squeezed his thighs tight against Zaldon and hugged the thick white neck he loved so much. His head fell back again and he moaned, "Zaldon . . . I'm . . . I'm going to . . ."

"What should I do, Kel?" Zaldon whispered.

Kel looked up with a little smile: Zaldon was waiting, the utter devotion of a slave in his eyes! He kissed Zaldon on the lips and whispered back, "Come inside me!"

Zaldon did, and Kel's eyes flew open wide as his lover's fluids rushed to fill him. They collapsed on the furs together, and Kel gave another laugh when Zaldon gathered him to his chest and cuddled him. He snuggled against Zaldon as they panted, their manes in their eyes.

Kel smiled to himself. He hadn't been this happy since --! The smile fell from his lips. Since the last time he cuddled in bed with Aliona. That fucking sorcerer! He set his teeth, and Zaldon -- feeling Kel's tense body -- whispered into his thick black mane,

"Kel . . . you aren't going to fight the sorcerer when we reach the winter village. . . . I am."

Kel sat up. Had Zaldon lost his mind?! "I can't let you do that!"

"I'm not asking you to let me!" Zaldon snapped, but he went on calmly, "Please. Let me do this for you."

"But -- why?!" Kel demanded incredulously. He had no intention of letting Zaldon fight what was probably a losing battle.

Zaldon smiled lovingly down at Kel and shook his head, as if Kel shouldn't have had to ask. "Kel, you just made me the happiest wolf in the world. The very least I can do," he said, pinching Kel's chin, "is protect you in this matter."

Kel stared up at Zaldon, a surge of loving welling up inside of him. If he ever doubted his feelings for Zaldon, he never would again after this day. He knew that he loved Zaldon now, pure and simple and true, and he said so with a helplessness that made Zaldon laugh.

"But what about Aliona?"

"Just because I love her it doesn't mean I can't love you!"

"Kel . . ." Zaldon shook his head as if he didn't believe Kel really understood what he was feeling. "What you feel for me -- it isn't that kind of love. I'm not the one you're willing to face a sorcerer to save --"

"I'd face a sorcerer to save you!"

"Kel, you don't --"

"Don't tell me how I feel!" Kel snarled, his bright green eyes firing in a way that mildly aroused Zaldon. "Don't you dare! All my life I've had wolves telling me what I feel, that I can't possibly love both males and females, that's it's either one or the other. And perhaps I've always been so close to Loryn because he's like me and he's the only one who understands me even better than I understand me. But now, after being with you, I am coming to understand myself more and more. What I feel for you isn't any less valid because I happen to love Aliona! It's not! And but for Aliona, I would give my heart to you. I know this now. I felt it tonight, when you held me in your arms . . . I knew . . ." Kel stammered himself into sheepish silence and couldn't look Zaldon in the eye.

Zaldon sat in thought a moment, not looking at Kel. Then he lifted his head and asked with a disgust that made Kel smile, "Why do you love Aliona?"

"Why does anyone love anyone?" returned Kel, gazing past Zaldon with a misty smile. "The first time I saw her, I think I was about six or seven. Either way, I was a pup and so was she. She was herding her sheep up in the hills behind the village. A lone wolf snuck up on her, tried to steal one. And she was so brave. She hit him in the eye with her slingshot. He chased her around the hills half-blind, but she shot him again and eventually drove him off. And this is the best part: as soon as the loner was gone, she went right back to humming and tending her sheep as if nothing had happened at all!"

"And it didn't occur to you to help her?" said Zaldon, laughing.

"Trust me: she didn't need my help. Besides, I wasn't supposed to be up there. And if anyone heard that I'd been talking to a female, well . . ."

Zaldon nodded. He understood completely: male pups who hung around female pups were spanked and kept indoors.

"But from that day on, I fell to watching Aliona from a safe distance. Everyday revealed something new about her: the way her tail swishes when she walks, the way that bit of mane falls in her eyes, her voice, the sound of her laugh . . ." Kel gazed off dreamily, and Zaldon's eyes grew bitter: he already knew this much, for he'd been watching Kel watching Aliona since they were children.

"And I just fell more and more in love with her," went on Kel. "I knew when my time for the mating season came that somehow I had to make her my wife. I don't know how to explain anymore than I can explain my feelings for you. It's just . . . the way I feel."

"Kel," said Zaldon after a pause, "I want you to know that . . . that I never meant to hurt you. When I heard from Loryn that you liked males, I figured that if I challenged you for Aliona that you wouldn't fight, that you'd simply let me be with you -- the right way. The way I've always dreamed . . . But when you fought me I felt . . . I felt so rejected. And besides: I hadn't a choice but to take you against your will since the challenge had already been given."

"I know, Zaldon, I understand," Kel said, touching Zaldon's shoulder.

"You would never come to the tail chaser meetings. I thought it was my one chance to have you in my arms --"

"You can have me in your arms anytime now, just say when and where."

"Now. Here."

Kel moved toward Zaldon with a smile. They lay together on Zaldon's sleeping furs, Kel with head nestled in Zaldon's shoulder, feeling warm and happy in his big, strong arms. Kel breathed in Zaldon's delicious scent, curled his fingers in his chest fur, touched his lips. Then he fell still and just listened dreamily to the rhythmic beat of Zaldon's heart.

Zaldon's heart was doing back flips. Kel loved him! Really loved him! Now if only they could be together. If only they could live their lives as one, if only they could make love in their own bed in their own hut, not outside in the grass in the forests. Not here under the pine trees, their moans of ecstasy muffled for fear their friends might hear and awake. But that was never going to happen. They were never going to really share their lives together, and Zaldon, in spite of the content he felt when holding Kel close, felt his heart sink with sadness.

After a long time of lying together beside the fire as the frosty morning pressed around them, Zaldon felt Kel trembling in his arms and was shocked to feel the sudden icy streams of what could only be tears in his fur. He pulled back and looked down to see Kel was crying!

"Kel!"

"Z-Zaldon, what if . . . what if I can't save her?" Kel choked, glancing up at Zaldon with glistening green eyes. "What if I fail? What if I die? Or even worse: what if I live and I'm simply forced to walk away? I can't live without Aliona. I love her."

"You've always loved her," Zaldon agreed wearily, caressing Kel's ears. "Stop worrying about it, Kel, and go to sleep. I'll wake you before I wake the others for their shift."

"What do you mean by that?" cried Kel incredulously. "How I can stop worrying? For all I know, she's with the bastard's pup by now!"

"Because I'll take care of everything when we arrive at the village. Just trust me. I have family there, remember?"

"What can your family possibly do against the sorcerer?" Kel demanded angrily.

But Zaldon only stroked his ears again and whispered with a kiss on Kel's head, "You'll see, Kel, you'll see. . . ."