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Have you ever had that kind of anxiety that feels like it briefly stops your heart and you have to remind yourself to keep breathing?

I don't consider myself an anxious wolf; on the contrary, I feel like I handle stress quite well. Sometimes, though, that feeling is unavoidable. Things will just happen in life that either sneak up on you or make you feel as if you're criminally unprepared, or your brain won't recognize how important they are until they're upon you. All three of these things can also happen at once to create the perfect storm of worry, as they did to me on a bright, sunny morning in May.

What exactly caused all of this? A harmless text message from my boyfriend.

"I'm on my way! :D"

It's amazing the kind of reaction four words and a smiley face can get from you in the right context.

The context of these four words (and smiley face), might have made them the most important four-word-and-smiley combination I had ever encountered. Not that I didn't know they were coming - Bucky and I had been planning this visit for a while. The school semester was finally over, meaning he wasn't stuck in Charleston, instead being back at his family's home in North Carolina for the summer. This vacation, we had both decided, was the perfect chance to meet in person for the first time.

Bucky and I met online. That much was probably obvious; how else do two furs who have never seen each other in person come to be a couple? And we had been a couple for over three months now. The thought, even while freaking out about the text I had just received, still managed to put a smile on my muzzle.

Before he finally caved in and we both accepted that what we were feeling was real enough to make official, I had technically known Bucky for two years, although we had only been talking for around one. My first impression of him was through stories he wrote and posted online. Specifically, one called Strangers After All, about a cute gay cougar and wolf couple who didn't yet realize they were a couple. At the time, I thought nothing of enjoying it and leaving a little positive feedback in the comment section, but as he posted more and more stories and chapters in the coming months, and I got to learn more about him through his writing and personal journals, I developed this deep want to talk to him.

I had never started a conversation with someone in such a strange circumstance before, but boy, am I glad I did. Buck quickly became the center of my life, as embarrassing as that may sound. I wanted to text him about every little thing! I felt like a schoolgirl at times, but that was okay. I was falling for someone for - really - the first time, and we got much closer as our relationship progressed. We shared, we laughed, we flirted, and eventually decided to take the huge plunge and announce our affection to the world.

As genuinely elated as all of that had made me over the past year and change, it did nothing to quell my nerves on that gorgeous Spring morning. Of course, I sent a text back about how excited I was, but I had to find something to do to take my mind off the worry.

It was still early, and I had been lying in bed with my phone, so I decided to take a shower. Buck said it'd be around a six or seven hour drive to my hometown of Virginia Beach, so I had time, and while not a seasoned master and generating good first-boyfriend-impressions, I had a feeling that being clean couldn't hurt my case. With a sigh, I hopped off the side of my bed after a quick stretch and a thought ran through my head that the next time I'd be getting into it, Buck would be with me. I didn't linger on that thought, but rather just went to my dresser to grab some clothes. This shower was supposed to take my mind _off_my nervousness!

Of course, the first thing I noticed in the bathroom after setting my clothes down was my reflection in the giant mirror atop the sink. I stared at the face of the wolf that stared back at me.

His hair was a mess.

Besides that, he looked good for just getting up, if I do say so myself. His dark grey fur needed a cleaning, but that was about to be remedied, and his toned, rather muscular physique came into view as I took off my t-shirt, evoking a sense of pride. Bucky and I had shared numerous pictures of course (in addition to what was on Facebook), but it was still nice to feel presentable even though I already knew he was attracted to me.

I could feel that my expression needed a fix though. I plastered a big grin on my muzzle at mirror-wolf and perked my ears up, and he did the same. "Quit worryin'," I told him, before stripping off my underwear and turning away to get the shower running. I hoped he had heard me.

Hot showers always worked wonders for me. I closed my eyes and let the water run down my body, closing off my brain for a few moments. Eventually, I grabbed the shampoo and soap, and performed a thorough cleansing of every square inch of my body. I can say with certainty that on that morning, I gave myself the most thorough shower I had ever given myself. I hit all the obvious places, got the bottoms of my feet, behind my ears, and went over my tail twice to make sure it was extra fluffy. I paid special attention to more.. private.. areas (just in case!), and briefly chuckled that the thoughts of Bucky and I sleeping together, showering together, and being otherwise intimate together weren't enough to turn me on. My member remained completely sheathed.

"Guess you're nervous too, buddy," I thought while looking down at it before closing my eyes again and letting the hot water soothe me and wash away all the residual shampoo still on my head and in my fur.

The bathroom looked like a steam room when I eventually opened the curtain, as will happen after a twenty-minute hot shower. It was probably for the best, as I couldn't obsess over my reflection if the mirror was completely fogged up. I brushed my teeth and made sure to swish my Scope around for longer than usual before slipping into my clothes: a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a black Calvin Klein V-neck that I thought hugged my torso in all the right ways.

And, also courtesy of Calvin Klein, a nice pair of blue microfiber, satin-feeling boxer-briefs. Just in case.

When I went back to my phone, which I had left in my bedroom, I found an update from Bucky that he was making a lot of progress on his trip and had stopped for a bathroom break. I laughed and thought of a proper reply, before settling on "I'm gonna smooch you as soon as you pull up :3." Guess I was committed now.

The rest of the morning into the early afternoon was basically spent with me keeping myself busy. I ate, even though I wasn't particularly hungry, and watched some TV to put myself in a separate reality for a half-hour. I browsed the Internet, I hung out with my cat, but as the clock ticked on and the time drew near for Bucky's expected arrival, I found myself lying on the living room couch next to the front door.

An eventual ding and vibration from my phone startled me, and when I pulled it out I saw that Bucky was only about thirty minutes away, according to his GPS. For whatever reason, that moment was the moment in which everything became real to me - he was really here. Er, almost. "Here" enough to where I was sure he was driving by familiar places, possibly even places I saw every day on my commute to college. The nervousness wasn't gone, but it was completely overshadowed right then by raw excitement, and I couldn't stop my thumb from rushing over to the phone button and excitedly clicking his name.

"Heeeeeyyy, Christian!"

It hadn't taken more than two or so rings for him to pick up, and I had never been more excited to hear his voice. He sounded happy, and I could relate.

"Hey, hon! You're so close!"

"I know! I'm so excited!" He practically squealed.

I chuckled. He was so damn cute, even through a phone. "Me too, believe me! I've been super nervous all morning, but I think I'm better now. Just in time, right?"

"Aw, honey, you don't need to be nervous," he reassured me. "I love you and I can't wait. This is going to be an amazing week."

I knew these things already, but it still felt good hearing them out loud from him. "Thanks, Buck," I said. "I'll certainly try to make it memorable! So, where are you now? What are you seeing?"

We spent the rest of the conversation excitedly comparing his sights to what I knew of the area, and my heart beat faster as I guided him through the familiar stretch of highway to the exit I always got off on, down past restaurants and shops I had known for the almost twenty-one years of my life. It was a little surreal having part of my childhood experienced by a wolf I hoped would become my future. As he turned into the last couple streets leading to my house, I practically shouted into my phone, "Okay! I'm going to run outside and meet you! Our house will be the yellow one with me out front!" and I heard him laugh before quickly saying goodbye and hanging up my phone, shoving it roughly into my pocket and running outside.

For all the emotions bubbling up inside me, it was still a peaceful afternoon. The weather was perfect, somewhere around the mid-seventies, and birds chirped here and there in the many trees of the neighborhood. As I leaned against my car parked in front of the house, though, my gaze was firmly planted down the street in the direction I knew Buck would be coming from.

There wasn't much activity going on in the neighborhood as it was a weekday and most people were at work at this time, which meant very few cars. The first one I saw turning on to our street in the distance looked like the silver Camaro I had seen pictures of. The one containing a cute white wolf. MY white wolf. My suspicions were confirmed as it got closer, and I swore I could see his smile from where I was standing before he even got to our house. My tail thumped against the trunk of my Altima, and I literally jumped for joy as he pulled up to the curb and slowed to a stop a few feet from me.

I ran out into the street to stand by his door, grinning like an idiot the whole time, and my wolf grinned back at me with that gorgeous smile I had seen from afar so many times as he worked the seatbelt and lock. I sized him up as he did so - he was muscular, but not too muscular, and he had on cargo shorts and tight red American Eagle shirt. As soon as he got the belt undone and the door unlocked, it swung open and he came at me with such force that I nearly fell to the ground. He was strong! His arms tightly wrapped around me and, likewise, I held him close and looked into his eyes. They were a gorgeous hazel. I knew that already, but everything seemed so different and tangible in person. I don't think either of us could help ourselves, and it's no surprise that within seconds, our lips were pressed together as we stood there embracing in the middle of the road, sharing our first kiss.

"It's nice to see you," I joked as we parted. He just smiled back at me and nodded.

"Ah! Let me get my stuff!" He said, as he quickly realized that he had a car full of luggage to bring in. Of course, I quickly insisted upon helping, but he wouldn't let me carry the giant suitcase he had brought. That was all right - carrying the backpack made me feel needed enough, and it allowed me to get the door for him. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him again as soon as we got inside, but I felt that I should at least show him around first.

I gave him a quick tour that ended with us lugging his suitcase up the stairs and into my bedroom. I sat on the bed as he looked approvingly about the room and said, "I like it!" before diving to the floor and unzipping his suitcase. For a second, I thought he was going to unpack, and I moved to help, but instead, he pulled out a stuffed feral wolf, about a foot and a half long and brown and grey.

"This is Ralph!" He explained when I inquired. "I got him a long time ago from the zoo. I decided to bring him along for the ride!"

"Ohmygawd, he's so cute!" I couldn't help myself. The wolf really was cute, and I loved that I had a boyfriend who thought so highly of his stuffed animal so as to bring him on the trip. Buck tossed him to me. "Just like you," I added.

He blushed and moved closer to the bed. "You're so sweet," he cooed. "And you're not so bad yourself." I scooted farther back on my bed, lying on my side and patting the space in front of me.

Buck took the hint and climbed in, positioning himself so he was laying across from me and we were looking into each other's eyes. I took his paw into mine for the first time, and, it felt warm and comforting. "I could definitely get used to this," I thought to myself before we went from staring at each other to locking muzzles once again.

This kiss was different. It started more tenderly. It wasn't the "I can't wait to kiss you" kiss, but rather the "We're together, I love you, and I want to kiss you" kiss. A few seconds later, I felt his tongue and I let my lips part. Our tongues mingled for the first time, stroking and exploring, and I couldn't help but consider how nice it felt. It had been so long since I had been with someone, and I had honestly never been with anyone I cared about as much as this. I suppose it had been a while for him, too, because our teeth clacked together once as our mouths changed positions and the kiss got more heated. I felt his muzzle turn upwards in a smile against mine, and I smiled too before gently running my paw from his to rest on his back to stroke him.

In turn, Buck moved from lying next to me to lying on top of me, and I was able to keep stroking his back with both paws as our tongues continued to play with one another. His lips felt so damn good on mine, like they belonged there. I breathed in deep to get more of his scent, which was intoxicating. He had used a lot of Old Spice apparently, but I didn't mind. The combination of the deodorant with his natural scent was driving me wild, and his tongue stroking mine wasn't helping things. I became briefly petrified that he'd feel my boner and think I was some sex-crazed freak, but as our hips pressed more firmly together it became clear that we were both very much enjoying the moment. He reached down with a free hand and gave my member a light squeeze through my jeans, breaking the kiss long enough to give me a "Heh," to accompany my light moan before gently resuming.

I'm not sure how long we were like that, but though we were both very turned on, we decided to hold out on doing anything else for the time being. After we broke the kiss for good, we simply talked for a while before deciding to go to the gym. For wolves, we were a couple of gym rats, so there really wasn't a more fitting place for a first unofficial date, though I was sure to remind him that, "After this, I picked the perfect restaurant for our first date!" He seemed excited, and I enjoyed watching his tail gently wag as he walked to my car for the gym before quickly realizing I needed to run past him to open the door like a good boyfriend.

It was hard to quit staring at the sexy wolf working out next to me long enough to do my OWN shoulder exercises, but I was able to find a balance eventually. We were in our comfort zone and warming up to each other, and Buck was a good spotter in addition to a good kisser. The entire time, I was really just thinking of how ready I was to take him on our first official date that night. An hour later, and shoulders burning, we went back to my car to head home and take showers.

Pulling up to the restaurant itself, a casual but nice grill that I felt would be the perfect ambiance for out first date, was unexpectedly quite the experience. Truth be told, I had never been on a date with another guy before, and the high school girlfriend I had years and years ago really wasn't much preparation for this. "Do I hold his hand? Would that make him uncomfortable? Would it make him embarrassed? No, that's stupi-ohSHIT I forgot to open the door for him!"

I quickly remedied my mistake and rushed to the other side of the car to finish opening the door for him and promptly latched onto his paw with mine. "You didn't have to do that!" he said, laughing at my attempt.

"I wanted to." I gave him a quick smooch, and we made our way inside, paws intertwined and tails playing happily together behind us.

We talked about anything and everything that dinner, from how good the food was (he agreed that I had picked a great place), to what he thought of Virginia in general so far. As it turned out, he loved what he had seen, and I was proud to have played a part in that. I asked him about a failed date he had and we shared funny stories about our ex-girlfriends after that, reminiscing on more confusing times. The whole time, I couldn't keep my eyes off him, though I felt like I might have been creeping him out a little. Whenever I wasn't focused on making sure food and the straw in my drink actually went in my mouth, I was focused on admiring the way he smiled with his whole face and got really excited while talking to me. We decided over bread pudding (with enough icecream on top to make the waitress say we got "HOOKED UP") that he had to culture me on more Superhero films, and so we rushed home after I paid the check, which I insisted on, to watch Thor.

I wasn't really sure how I hadn't seen the movie before, but as we settled in on the couch and brought up the movie on Netflix, I supposed Buck was right; he'd just have to culture me. As it started and I turned off the lights in the room, I gently took his paw into mine.

"Hey," I said.

"Yeah?" He looked at me quizzically with this adorable surprised expression and his ears perked.

"I love you."

"I love you too!"

I loved that smile.

Thor was good, but the ever-constant smile on my muzzle was entirely due to the wolf next to me. It felt so good to be getting to know him for real after the months and months we had spent talking. He leaned on me as the movie progressed and I went from holding his paw to wrapping my arm around his back, bringing him closer. I sunk down on the couch so he'd have enough space to lay his head on my chest if he wanted, which he did. I stroked between his ears for most of the rest of the film.

Eventually, I shifted a little, and when he didn't react, I glanced down. His eyes were completely shut and it appeared as if he was snoozing on my belly. "That's fair, he's had a long drive and he's already seen the movie anyway," I thought. I focused on scratching through his hair and a little on his chest and stomach while I thought of the day's events. He felt so perfect curled up on me. "The perfect cuddling size," I mused. I realized sometime in that moment, with Thor doing battle in the background and an adorable white wolf contentedly napping on me, that I had truly found the mate of my dreams.