Chapter 16: Hard and Fast
#16 of The Mating Season 3
Chapter 16: Hard and Fast
Kel reclined against his pillows, gazing miserably out the window. It was early in the afternoon, and as the winter season was drawing to a close, Kel knew the village streets were full of dirty white slush, pups running back and forth and scrambling to build snow wolves before the last of the snow melted away. And there was no wind today. It was a warm winter day. It was warm, but Kel still felt so cold -- even though Aliona took his temperature and told him he was burning hot. She would dab anxiously at his forehead with a washcloth, and Kel would lie there, trying to pretend he didn't feel half as bad as he really did.
And he was so scared. About everything. He was afraid he really was going to die. He was afraid for Kilyan and thought about his son all the time. What was happening to Kilyan and Keeno? Where were those two foolish pups! Kel frowned to himself. Always doing whatever the hell they wanted to do! Going above their elders! But Kel cried too. Kilyan should have returned from the sun village by now. Something was wrong. They all knew it, but no one said it. They all just kept lying to themselves, kept telling themselves the snow had set the boys back or that perhaps they had decided to stay with Zaldon in the sun village for a few days. Lies. And late at night when Aliona was sleeping, Kel cried.
What the hell would happen to all of them if he died and then on top of that, Kilyan and Keeno never returned? And he blamed himself for all of this. If only he wasn't sick!
"Kel?"
Kel looked up. Aliona had returned with his lunch. She was bearing a tray, but she halted to see the tears in her husband's eyes. Kel hastily wiped at his eyes, hating himself. He heard Aliona move quietly through the room and set the tray on his lap. Then she was in the sheets with him, spoon feeding him the hot soup she'd brought.
"How long did you know?" Kel demanded hoarsely.
Aliona paused with the spoon. "That last day Kilyan came to see you. He told me what he had planned, then he left before I could say anything."
"That damned pup!" Kel moaned and more of the tears came. "If anything happened to h-him --" Kel broke off with trembling lips and Aliona set the tray aside.
"If they don't come back when the last of the snow has melted," she whispered, dabbing sadly at Kel's tears, "Loryn and Yzlo have vowed to go after them."
"Oh, god," Kel moaned. It was bad enough Kilyan and Keeno were in danger, now his best friends would go out and risk their necks too?
"Maybe they'll return before it gets to that," Aliona whispered, stroking her husband's ears. "Don't worry about it anymore, Kel. Loryn and Yzlo will take care of Kilyan and Keeno. Meanwhile, let me take care of you."
Kel relaxed back in his pillows and put his arm around Aliona when she snuggled against him. He could feel her slender fingers curling in the fur on his chest just the way he always liked. He kissed her on her mane and felt her cheek bulge against him in a smile.
"So how have you been, Daddy?" Aliona whispered, and Kel laughed: Aliona had been teasingly calling him Daddy since Kilyan was born. It was something she only did when they were alone, something she only did when Kel was sad because it always made him smile. And today it worked. Just like every other day.
"I'm much better today, Mama," Kel whispered back and squeezed Aliona in his arm. "I'm not coughing as much and it doesn't hurt as much when I breathe . . . but I still feel so . . . weak."
"And you're still shedding," Aliona whispered sadly. She sat up suddenly and looked at her husband, and Kel was shocked and saddened to see tears streaming from her eyes. His brows knit together and he cupped her face, gently stroking the tears away with his thumbs.
"Oh, Aliona, please don't cry! I can stand to see anyone cry but you --"
"Why didn't you let Zaldon come before!" Aliona demanded. Her fangs flashed in her anger but her eyes were terribly sad. "Why!" she demanded with trembling lips.
Kel's ears went flat on his head. He couldn't stand to see her this way. He struggled to sit up and pulled Aliona to his chest. She sobbed against him brokenly, and he felt his heart sinking. Aliona never cried like this. Never. At least not in front of him! It was a mark of how truly scared she was for him that she'd broken down like this. He kissed her head and stroked her mane, holding her as tightly as he could in his trembling arms, and she clung to him, sobbing desperately. When her sobs had quieted, she pulled back and pressed him down on the pillows. He watched sadly as she wiped at her eyes.
"Oh, Kel," Aliona whispered, her thick lashes still fluttering out tears. She shook her head as her husband touched her face again. "You are my everything. The thought of losing you -- I -- I'm sorry. I tried to be s-strong --"
"Aliona, you are being strong!" Kel cried, pulling his wife down into his arms. He held her tightly, kissing her mane again. "You have been strong enough for both of us. A male was never so blessed to have such a wife as you! God, what would I do without you? I probably wouldn't be sitting up right now if it wasn't for your love and care these past few weeks. You have been very strong, Aliona. There is no question! Why do you think I fell in love with you in the first place? That fine, free, and independent spirit of yours -- that strong spirit looking out from your eyes."
Aliona pulled back to look at her husband, smiling through her tears. Kel cupped her face, marking that it had not lost its beauty, its charm in all these years.
"Why, when I saw that spirit gazing out from your eyes, I knew I must have you to hold forever."
Aliona sobbed and kissed Kel on the lips. She pressed her forehead to his and whispered, "Oh, Kel, if I could only trade places with you --"
"God forbid!" Kel growled, cupping Aliona's face again. "Don't say such things! I don't even want to think of you being sick -- I --"
"Kel, tell me why," Aliona whispered, closing her eyes. She swallowed miserably, then the slanted eyes opened again and gazed down at him. "Why didn't you let Zaldon come?"
Kel dropped his paws to the sheets. Aliona saw him run a shaking paw back through his mane, saw the green eyes glisten with tears as they gazed out the window.
"After I went to visit Zaldon seven years ago," began Kel in a whisper, and he knew this was something he had never told anyone, not even Loryn.
Aliona watched Kel intently, her dark gray cheeks still streaked with tears.
"When I went to see him, I tried to make him come back here to the summer village. Of course he said no. And I understand that. He wants a life with me and he can't have that because . . . I chose you. Because I can not have both a husband and wife . . ."
Aliona nodded when Kel glanced at her sadly. His green eyes went back to the window again and he heaved a miserable sigh.
"In the sun village he met and fell in love with another male -- a beautiful male. His name was Julyan. He and Julyan fell in love hard and fast." Kel gave a miserable half-smile as he stared out the window. "Kind of the way I fell in love with Zaldon back on the cliffs in the northern forest when Kilyan was just a pup. I just . . . fell in love with him. I had loved him all my life, but that love I already felt became a different love. His big, warm heart. How could I not love him? And Zaldon and Julyan fell in love much the same. Zaldon decided to live with Julyan, to try to be happy with him.
"And I was happy for them. Julyan is a nice wolf, a loving one. I believed he could take care of Zaldon emotionally. Zaldon's great when it comes to comforting but he needs someone with those same skills, and Julyan has them. So I trusted Julyan to care for Zaldon's heart, but I knew in that moment -- I knew I could never see Zaldon again. The same way he can't stand by and watch me be with you? I can not stand by and watch him be with Julyan when I myself can not have him. I -- I can't. So I told him we should never see each other again. That it was best if we just . . . moved on."
"Oh, Kel!" whispered Aliona, gazing wide-eyed at her husband. For Aliona knew that Kel must have truly broken Zaldon's heart to have said those words to him. I never want to see you again. Zaldon must've been crushed.
"I know," said Kel, squeezing his eyes shut. "But he agreed that it was best! I mean, what was I supposed to do? Keep visiting him every time I called out his name in bed? So it's over! And that's why he can't come here, Aliona!"
"So what?" said Aliona through her teeth. "You'll die? Kel, I should smack you right now!"
Kel couldn't look at his wife. He gazed miserably out the window instead.
"Zaldon is your friend -- more than that! He is your lover! How could you push him away like that? What harm would seeing him every once in a while possibly do to us? Would it really hurt so badly to see him with Julyan? It's not as if he and Julyan live right here in the goddamned summer village!"
Kel flinched. It was rare that Aliona cursed, and when she did, it meant she was really pissed.
"And when I think of everything Zaldon and Lynny have done for us -- we wouldn't even be together right now if it wasn't for Zaldon and Lynny!"
Kel closed his eyes. "I know, Aliona. I know . . ."
Aliona sat there, breathless after her lecture, a confused frown on her face. "For the first time in my life, I don't understand you, Kel. How could you push away someone that . . . you love?"
Kel didn't know what to say. He swallowed thickly and gazed darkly out the window, but tears started flowing down his cheeks one after the other. He wiped them away with angry little jerks.
A wave of sympathy washing over her, Aliona leaned down and started kissing Kel's cheeks. He laughed through his tears at this kissing: it was odd to receive such loving kisses after such a raving lecture.
"Oh, Kel," Aliona whispered. She lay on Kel's chest and peered sadly into his face. "You need Zaldon now more than ever. And Zaldon loves you: no matter what you've said to him in the past, if he knew you were sick like this, he'd be here. Just like that. But look at you." Aliona smiled and shook her head, cupping her husband's face. "All these years and you still haven't changed. Still stubborn and in denial, hiding that sweet gentility behind the fierce frown of a warrior. I guess . . . I guess that's why I fell so hard and fast."
Kel's heart fluttered when his wife kissed him on the lips. He smiled at her, still helplessly in love with her after all these years, and he whispered as much when she stood the tray over his lap again and offered him a spoonful of soup.
"I know," Aliona whispered as Kel took the offered spoon in his mouth. "Now eat all of this up or another lecture is coming."
Kel laughed weakly. "Yes, Mama."
They smiled at each other, and when Kel had finished his soup, Aliona kissed her husband on the head and gathered the tray, whispering that he should rest now and that she wanted to run down to the stables and check on the sheep. Kel smoothed his paw weakly over her tail as she was rising, and she flicked it back up again, smiling at him playfully before she left.
Watching his wife pass through the curtain, Kel realized how deeply he loved Aliona and how deeply he still loved Zaldon. What if Kilyan and Keeno were preparing to come here with Zaldon right now? He shivered sadly at the thought. How could he face Zaldon after what he had said to him? Done to him? And what if Zaldon was angry with him? Kel sank deeply in his pillows and stared out the window. But he thought of having Zaldon near again, the scent of him, the feel of him, and those great black eyes looking at him with love, with a fire that had always made Kel's heart flutter. God, he had missed Zaldon more than anyone had guessed. Sometimes he thought he would have given anything to have Zaldon near again. He lay there thinking of Zaldon and wondered what Zaldon was doing and if he was thinking of him.
"Think of me," Kel whispered, a tear trembling in the corner of his eye. "Please think of me, Zaldon, because . . . I am thinking of you."