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Holding On

Chapter 45

Etienne awoke in the middle of the night with tears in his eyes. And somehow, he knew they were not his tears . . . but Azrian's. His chest heaved as he lay there panting, then he abruptly sat up and felt his face. Taiga was lying beside him in the bed, and she frowned when she awoke to find him in tears. She cupped his face and peered into his eyes, then she hugged him to her breasts, her black mane tumbling around her as he clung to her and silently wept.

He didn't know what was happening. But he ached. Across his face. Across the back of his head. It felt like Ayni's fire all over again. And his eye . . . his left eye was pulsing with _excruciating_pain. He sputtered when it throbbed so hard he thought it would burst, and he pulled from Taiga's slender arms to rub it. Taiga twisted around with jiggling bare breasts and fumbled to light the candle on the nightstand. She turned to him with it and held it near his face, her pretty eyes narrowing as she peered at him. He watched her eyes grow round with horror, and she nearly dropped the candle.

"What?" Etienne begged. "What is it? It feels like my eye is swelling shut . . ."

"Because it is," Taiga said in amazement. She shook her head.

"Well, what do we do? I'm going blind here!"

"Stop whining and let me look."

Etienne swallowed and was still as Taiga pried his paw away and peered into his face again. "I think it's . . ." She paused and gave him a curious look.

"What?" he begged.

"I'm not sure. What did you dream?"

Etienne tried to remember, clutching his paw over his aching eye. "About fire," he said at last, rolling his good eye to the ceiling as he thought. "There was a lot of fire and . . ." He felt the misery shudder up through him. "I think Azrian was screaming."

Taiga sighed and set the candle aside again. She dropped her paws in her lap and stared at them.

Etienne had been with the Maret Clan for weeks, had refused to make love to Taiga for weeks, and the clan had decided to wait it out, to keep him from Azrian in the hope that she would die and he would succumb.

Etienne was surprised when Taiga was actually against what the clan chose to do. She spoke out against her father before a clan meeting, and she became so protective of Etienne, the others shook their heads and told her she was simply too in love with the dog god to see the truth. And it was true: Taiga was in love with Etienne. It seemed the more days passed, the more she came to like him, the more she wanted him to be happy. And she knew he'd never be happy without Azrian. Hearing that Azrian was in pain now . . . saddened her.

And yet, Taiga's love was selfish. As all love was selfish. She had promised to help Etienne escape and return in time to help Azrian. She had been promising for weeks. But she never did. Because she wanted Etienne for herself. Some small part of her probably thought that perhaps he would come to love her in return. If only she held on.

Etienne found it incredibly frustrating. When Taiga failed to help him, he turned to Asres, begging the boy to do something. Anything. But it occurred to Etienne that Asres was on a short leash that Feven appeared to be holding. It quickly became apparent that Asres wasn't only afraid of displeasing his parents - he was afraid of displeasing Feven as well. Feven hated that the two of them spent time alone together, hated that they had become close friends, and as a result, Asres started putting more distance between himself and Etienne, until Etienne was alone in a world where almost no one spoke his language, guarded day in and day out in the depths of an endless underground maze with no chance of escaping, while Azrian was off somewhere in trouble and in pain and in desperate need of his help.

And now he was blind in one eye.

Etienne growled in sudden frustration and slammed his fists on the bed, and sitting beside him, Taiga hugged herself and recoiled. She was so small beside him, so slender. Sometimes he looked at her and wondered how he had ever been intimidated by her. Then he had to remind himself: she was a different female altogether before she was in love with him. When before she was hard, now she was soft. When before she would have kicked him in the face, now she hugged him and kissed him and stroked his mane.

"Don't roar," Taiga scolded. "You'll wake my father."

"To hell with your father," Etienne muttered and viciously hurled a pillow, bringing down a pot and seven seashells, all of which shattered.

Taiga winced at his anger, and he felt a thrill of guilt. He had to remind himself how big he was, how deep his voice. He could be very intimidating with hardly any effort. He thought of all the times he'd made Corene cry and put an apologetic arm around Taiga. Taiga hesitated and dropped her head against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he whispered after a while. "But I love her. And nothing will change that. Your clan could keep me here forever, it wouldn't matter."

Taiga sighed miserably. "How many nights have I waited for you to say you love me? But all you talk about is her. Now she haunts your dreams."

"Do you really think I'm the first and last male on the face of the earth?" Etienne said impatiently. "You would meet someone else, Taiga."

Taiga sadly smoothed her small paw over Etienne's hard chest. He was wearing no shirt, and her fingers passed over his jutting nipple. She sighed again, her hot breath rippling through his fur. "But you were chosen by the gods for me. It doesn't get any better than that. I love you so much, it hurts," she whispered. She shook her head against him. "I don't know how to let you go. I hold on . . . hoping you'll make love to me again. Like that first night."

Etienne squeezed his eyes against her words - then grunted when his injured eye throbbed with pain. He massaged it, and Taiga pried his paw away to inspect what was happening.

"Huh," she said in surprise.

"Huh?" Etienne repeated.

Taiga sat up and peered into his face. She smiled. "It's going down. Maybe it means Azrian's alright now?"

"Or maybe it means she's dead," Etienne said tonelessly.

Taiga lowered her lashes a moment, and Etienne knew she was thinking. He waited, experimentally rubbing his eye. It felt like the swelling was really going down and he sighed in relief.

"What if . . ." Taiga lifted her lashes and looked him in the eye, "I asked Asres to help you? He could touch you and see what was happening to Azrian. He could even help you escape, if he wanted."

"Of course, he could," Etienne said bitterly.

"And all I ask in return . . . is that you give me a child."

"Of course, you would," Etienne said angrily and tossed his paws.

Taiga frowned sadly. "Don't . . . say that. Don't be angry."

"Don't tell me how to feel. Your clan captures me, ties me up, then expects me to drop everything and just make some child with you so Maret can take over the world --! Why would you even want the goddess of _death_to rule the world? I mean, look at your forest! You really want the entire world to be black and spooky?"

Taiga folded her arms and huffed. "I am trying to help you."

"No," Etienne said at once and frowned. "You are trying to help yourself."

Taiga stared at her lap and said nothing. Because it was true.

After a long pause, Etienne heaved an angry breath and glanced at her. "Alright."

Taiga brightened. "Really?"

"Yes. Really --"

"Oh!" She grinned and hugged his arm. "Oh, Etienne!" she cried and reached to cup his face, but he held up his paw and squirmed from her embrace.

"Uh uh," he said to her crestfallen face and flat ears. "I will give you a child after Asres has agreed to help me. Preferably after I escape."

Taiga's nose scrunched up. "After?"

"You and Asres will be my . . . collateral. You'll see me through the forest. When I'm at the edge . . . I give you a child. Wham. Bam. Thank you, ma'am. And I'm out."

Taiga slowly glowered.

"Take it or leave it," Etienne said with a shrug.

Taiga rolled her eyes. "Fine!" She flopped on the bed and turned her back to Etienne, pulling the sheets up over her shoulder. "I will arrange for Asres to come to you tomorrow. I will keep Feven occupied. You will have about an hour."

Etienne lay beside her and pulled the sheet over himself as well. With her back to him, he could only see the mass of her black tresses, a hint of her ear . . . and a hint of her high breast. He slipped his big arm around her and hugged her close. And he saw her cheek bulge in a smile when he whispered in her ear, "Thank you."

***

The next afternoon, as promised, Asres appeared at the burrow. Etienne, as usual, was there alone, sitting beside the barren firepit as he nursed his injured eye. He still couldn't see out of it, and it felt tender and still a little swollen. He looked up as Asres entered, and the boy halted in astonishment to see his face.

Etienne had not come to breakfast that morning, having asked Taiga to tell everyone he was ill. The truth was, he was vain, and didn't want anyone to see how swollen and puffy he was. He dragged his gaze from Asres, unable to stand the boy's astonishment, and he stared at the earthen floor as he listened to the boy quietly close the door behind him and enter.

There was a long pause, and Etienne knew Asres was just standing there. Just standing. Then his fur-lined boots padded softly across the floor, and he was kneeling beside Etienne and peering into his face in amazement.

From the corner of his eye, Etienne could see that Asres was wearing the usual bear skin pants and fur boots. The young male was also wearing a fur collar and a dagger around his throat, but his chest was otherwise bare. His long black mane was still in its single plait and fell down his back to his tail, rough and curly, with little tresses having escaped the braid. His mane was so incredibly long that Etienne wanted to take it down, smell it, lie beside the fire and stroke it. The beauty of Asres and his sister still caused Etienne incredible suffering, but he suffered more for want of Asres simply because he'd never had him. He had been with Taiga.

Asres hesitated, then guided Etienne's chin around until he was looking at him. He dropped his paw from Etienne's face and just stared. "So this is why Taiga sent me."

"I think Azrian's in trouble. Asres . . . you have to help me. You have to help me get to her."

Asres dropped his eyes miserably.

Swallowing his frustration, Etienne closed his paw over Asres' paw, and the boy looked at him wretchedly. "This is more important than Feven being angry with you. If I don't help Azrian, you and your kind will stay exactly where you are - in the dirt."

Something flinched in Asres' eyes, and for several seconds, he looked angry. His nostrils flared, and Etienne knew his words were difficult for a proud fox to digest when coming from a dog oppressor, but at least they woke Asres up. He seemed determined now. He scooted close to Etienne, and after taking a deep breath, he placed his paw on Etienne's swollen eye.

Etienne flinched as the visions slapped him. Azrian in a cell. Azrian bloody. Azrian screaming. Azrian twisting and fighting as mastiffs closed into to rape her. Pink penises shoving her in sex, between her plump buttocks. . . . Her sobs as her body rocked with their thrusts . . . as her breasts rode . . . Azrian on her knees, massaging erections in both paws, sucking another with a slobbering mouth . . . Azrian lying facedown on a table . . . mastiffs pinning her arms and legs . . . her wings twitching wildly . . . someone approaching with a bone saw. Blood. Blood and horrible screams as her wings fall to the floor . . . like bloodied feathered sacks of meat.

"No . . . NO!" Etienne roared. He pulled himself free of Asres' grasp and tumbled over on his back. He lay on the floor for several seconds, tears in his eyes, staring at the ceiling. He couldn't catch his breath. His chest just kept heaving. He heard Asres moving through the room, and then the boy was kneeling over him, peering with concern into his face. There were tears in Asres' eyes and his voice was a sob when he spoke.

"E-Etienne . . ." He reached for Etienne's forehead.

"No!" Etienne begged again. He sat up and clumsily pushed the boy away.

Asres fell hard on his tail and leaned back on his paws, staring sadly at Etienne as the older male heaved to catch his breath.

"D-Don't . . ." Etienne panted. "Don't touch me . . . oh, god . . ." He dropped his face in his paws and dissolved to furious sobs. It was a moment before he realized Asres was kneeling behind him, that Asres was massaging his shoulders, that Asres was crying tears that fell on his shirt. He felt the brush of the boy's soft penis and scooted away.

"No . . . Asres . . . I'm fine."

Asres nodded, though it was clear neither of them were fine. The boy was still sniffling with tears. So was Etienne. They sat in silence around the barren firepit for a time. Etienne stared at the floor. Asres stared at Etienne.

"After seeing that I'll . . . I'll do whatever you want. I'll help you."

"Thank you."

They fell silent again.

Etienne could feel the swelling going down, and before long, he could see out of his eye again. He rubbed it gingerly and could feel the boy's concerned stare. "It's . . . better now," he assured him.

Asres nodded. "Etienne?"

Etienne adjusted his shirt, which was still wet with Asres' tears. "Yeah."

"I hope I love someone someday . . . the way you love Azrian."

Etienne smiled sadly and finally lifted his eyes. "You know, most would say that the other way around. That they hope they're loved someday the way I love Azrian. But you're a generous sort, aren't you?"

Asres smiled, his moon-shaped eyes crinkling up. "So are you. I saw the way you touched her, the way you kissed her and held her . . . Such tender love in all that. I . . ." He trailed off and bit his lip, suddenly embarrassed.

"What uh . . ." Etienne laughed weakly. "What exactly did you see . . .? Because that's not what I saw."

Suddenly more embarrassed than before, Asres scratched his ears. "N-Never mind."

"No, no, no," said Etienne, grinning. He waved his paws. "I think I have a right to know if you saw my bare ass or something --"

"Etienne!" Asres cried and covered his face.

Etienne playfully pulled his paws away, and Asres struggled to get free. But the boy was smaller and weaker and he couldn't. Etienne held on to his wrists and watched him laughing and struggling, watched his belly crunching and his chest heaving, watched his pretty eyes, bright and bashfully fluttering. Asres was so much like his sister, he had no idea. Taiga was very bashful in bed that first time. All shyness. Fluttering lashes. Tears.

"E-Etienne, please!" Asres cried, thoroughly embarrassed by his own weakness. But he was still laughing.

Etienne let go and watched in amusement as Asres awkwardly rubbed his arm and averted his eyes. But then Etienne remembered the visions, the horrible things he had seen, and he dropped his eyes to the floor.

"Whatever you saw," Asres said in a low voice. "It must have been terrible. You were sh-shaking."

"But what did I see? Was it the future? Was it the past? Is it too late to help her?"

"It was the future," Asres said with a slow smile.

Etienne pushed his paw back through his mane, relieved. There was still time, then.

"I saw you with her," Asres said happily to the barren firepit. "Not as you are now but as you will be. There was a great celebration and everyone was dancing . . . foxes were there, dressed in pretty gowns . . . and the two of you were wearing crowns . . . and you took her aside to a corner off the hall . . . and you . . . l-lifted her skirt . . ."

Etienne laughed when Asres started to stammer and blush. "Alright. That sounds lovely and all. But what does it mean? Which future is going to happen? Or do they both happen?" He stared miserably at the floor. "God forbid."

Asres shook his head. "You once asked where my abilities come from. Yfel granted me the Sight when I was a child. It means I have the ability to see what could happen. Not what _will_happen."

"Do you understand then? You and your sister have to help me escape. I can't let that future happen to Azrian. I can't let anyone hurt her."

"I said I would help you, Etienne. I meant it."

Etienne looked in the boy's eyes and could see the resolve there. Good. "When will you help me? Tonight?"

Asres' lips part in surprise. He hadn't expected that. "I . . . suppose," he said uncertainly. "This is all so sudden."

Etienne laughed. "I'm not asking you to marry me." He jerked his head. "Just help me get outta here."

Asres smiled. "Alright. I promise."

"And your sister is coming," Etienne said, stretching out on the earthen floor. He stared at the ceiling, listening to the soft movements Asres made as he stretched out beside him.

Asres stared at the ceiling too. "My sister? Why would she help you?"

"Because I promised her a child."

Asres sighed.

"What?"

"You were right, Etienne. All of this is wrong. Maret wants Taiga to have your child so you will always be connected to her. So that even if Azrian took the throne and Great Ti'uu won, there would always be the chance that one of Maret's own could still take it. It just . . . it makes me sick. To realize how they use us for their amusements."

"How do you know all their plans anyway?"

"Sometimes Yfel tells me. She grants it to me in visions and I speak for her to the clan. When I become a full Seer, I will be able to see directly into Skkye. I will walk there in my dreams and speak to the gods in their great palaces."

"You still want to do this?" Etienne asked in amazement. "As someone who lost their sight only minutes ago, I'm telling you . . . it's not fun. And the giving up sex thing . . . that's just. Ouch."

"I know," Asres said in a low voice. "But even if I didn't become a Seer, I would never know physical love."

"Why?" Etienne asked, astonished.

"It's . . ." Asres bit his lip.

"Feven," Etienne finished darkly.

"My purity is what arouses him. It used to be he would come to me at night . . . and he would masturbate just looking at me. I wanted to touch him. But he said no. That I have never experienced such things is what makes him . . ."

"Hard," Etienne finished.

". . . yes," Asres said in a low voice. "He nearly killed me over that boy I told you about. Just my touching another boy's penis made him so angry."

"Alright. Let's try something here. Forget what Feven wants. Forget what Maret and Yfel want. What do you want?"

Asres blinked at the ceiling. He licked his lips and whispered, "I want to be touched. I want to be held. I want to be kissed . . . I want to be close." A tear escaped his eye, and Etienne caught it.

They looked at each other, and Etienne went very still when Asres touched his face. The boy looked at his lips, and then he kissed him, softly, warmly, on the mouth. Their lips pealed apart, and they looked at each other again. Etienne could see the heat rising in Asres' face.

"I want you," Asres whispered breathlessly.

Etienne abruptly sat up.

"What's the matter?" Asres said on the floor behind him.

Etienne stared at the tent he was pitching in his pants. "Damn you and your sister," he muttered. He thought of beautiful Taiga, on her paws and knees, with her breasts hanging down. Beautiful Taiga, who made him hard as he held her in his sleep. And now here he was, hard again because Asres had kissed him.

"Don't you want me too?" Asres said sadly. "I thought . . . sometimes you look at me . . ."

"Be quiet, Asres."

"Okay."

Etienne took a shuddering breath, trying to make himself soft. He moaned irritably when Asres sat up to see what he was doing. The boy's mouth dropped open to see that Etienne was, in fact, raging hard. It probably looked like a monster was fighting its way out of his pants, for Asres just stared with his mouth open. Etienne grabbed him by the face and shoved him away again.

Asres laughed softly as he tumbled over on the floor. "But it's a good thing, isn't it? I thought you wanted me."

"I do want - didn't I ask you to be quiet?"

Asres laughed again, and Etienne held back a smile to hear that boyish sound.

"How old are you anyway, Asres?"

"Nineteen."

Etienne closed his eyes. That wasn't so bad. He was almost twenty-one.

"Why?" Asres wondered. "I seem younger, don't I?"

"Be quiet."

"I want to see it."

Asres sat up again, peering with curiosity as the tent in Etienne's lap. He reached for Etienne's pants, but Etienne caught him by the wrist and hissed, "Don't!"

Asres' moon-shaped eyes clouded and his ears flattened. "But why?"

Etienne heaved a frustrated breath but didn't let the boy go.

Asres looked at Etienne's lips. "Etienne . . . I-I . . ." He leaned close . . . and slowly kissed Etienne on the mouth again.

Before Etienne realized what he was doing, he was twisting his head and kissing the boy back. "Mm . . ." He slowly let go of Asres' wrist, and as his big paw cupped the boy's face . . . Asres' paw slipped in his pants . . . and found the throbbing, hungry, upright thing he had been trying so hard to tame with a few breaths.

Etienne let Asres undo his pants to reveal his enormous shaft. Asres stared at it a moment with round eyes, then he leaned down. And Etienne let him drag his hungry tongue along his penis. Etienne let the boy's clumsy mouth lick him and suck him with careful curiosity. He twitched and throbbed against the boy's lapping tongue, against his massaging fingers. And then Asres had taken him into his mouth, and his head was going up and down in his lap . . . slowly and wetly.

"A-Ah . . . Oh, Asres," Etienne whispered when the boy's lips glided tight off the head of his penis.

He cupped the boy's face and brought it to his, then kissed him hard. Asres' lashes fluttered and he trembled as Etienne tugged his pants down in one rough jerk, exposing the high backside that had been tormenting him for weeks. He smoothed his paw under Asres' tail and fingered his squirming anus as he kissed him. And his every touch, his every caress was gentle and slow.

Asres was trembling all over. He slipped his arms around Etienne's neck and hugged him tight, and as Etienne tugged the boy's pants down around his boots, he realized Asres was holding his breath.

Suddenly impatient, Etienne yanked the boy's pants hard and they tore. He saw Asres' penis flop out, hard and fat and short, dark as his sister's nipples had been dark. He wanted to suck the fat little thing but didn't want Asres to let go of his neck. He was so young and beautiful and nervous. Etienne stroked his mane to calm him and untangled it from its plait, watching in awe as it spilled loose around his shoulders.

"God, you're pretty," Etienne whispered and began to massage Asres' little penis.

Asres trembled harder. "Oh, E-Etienne . . . you're t-touching my . . ." He blushed furiously. "E-Etienne . . ." he whispered with large eyes. "I think I love you . . ."

"No, you don't," Etienne returned with a laugh. "Now put your legs around me . . . that's it . . . god, you're so pretty. Just like your sister. Kiss me, Asres . . ."

Asres' long lashes fanned down as he looked at Etienne's lips and kissed him again. As their tongues were twisting, Etienne took his plump little backside in fistfuls, pealed it apart . . . and eased his tight little anus down over the width of his throbbing shaft.

Asres' head fell back as Etienne filled him and his eyes fluttered wide. "A-Ah! Ahhh . . .!"

Etienne wrapped his arms around him, kissed him, and whispered, "Don't let go."

And Asres held on. Trembling. Panting. Sighing. Wrapped in the strength of Etienne's big arms, locked by his hard thighs, in his lap, lips brushing lips . . . Asres held on as Etienne made careful love to him. And he didn't let go . . . until Feven walked in.