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Ralph Raccoon was worried about his health. No, he wasn't dying, or even sick, but the way he was feeling he almost wished he was dying. For years now, he and his wife Melissa had been trying to conceive, wanting desperately to have children of their own, but try as they might, Melissa never managed to get pregnant. Many was the night that Ralph woke up in the dark, unable to sleep and walked downstairs. He would sit down on his chair, and stare, longingly, picturing in his mind what the living room would look with little raccoons running around playing, coming up to Melissa and calling her 'mommy" and him "daddy". The pain was so great at times that Ralph would sometimes find himself going to the refrigerator to get a berr, then two, three, four, five. Things really got out of hand when he was making daily trips to the store to buy hard liquor.

This behavior quickly took it's toll on his marriage. At first, Melissa tried to rationalize her husband's drinking, thinking that Ralph's job as editor of the Evergreen Standard was a very tedious, demanding position. So what if he came home and drank a little bit to unwind? Melissa's ability to look the other way didn't last very long, once Ralph started going through a twelve pack a night, then on to the hard stuff, she really started to lose her patience. It wasn't just the money he was wasting on booze, it was the fact that his work was beginning to suffer. His editing was sloppy, leading to numerous typographical errors in several editions of the Evergreen Standard. He missed deadlines that he himself had set. When the press broke down, he would get so angry that he would swear, screaming at the top of his lungs and even throwing tools at it. Melissa finally had enough the day she discovered Ralph's desk drawers filled with various bottles of Jamieson, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam. She knew what she had to do. With a little help from her friends, she organized an intervention for Ralph. He came home one day to find Bert, Cedric, Sophia and others sitting in his living room, waiting to offer their help. The intervention lasted two hours, and ended with Ralph crying his eyes out as he heard Melissa telling him that she would cry herself to sleep night after night, knowing that he was out drinking himself stupid. She even admitted contemplating divorce, having already consulted attorneys on how she might proceed.

It was too much for Ralph.

The intervention ended with Ralph asking Melissa to drive him to the nearest AA meeting. Ralph came to realize that he was in danger of losing everything that really mattered in his life; his wife, his business, the love and respect of his friends and the community. He wasn't about to give up on life. He was going to get better!

That was three years ago, and Ralph had been sober every day since he hit rock bottom at the intervention. His whole attitude had changed for the better; he worked harder than ever before, tried to make amends to all the people whom he'd hurt. Ralph was definitely a better raccoon. . . .

But there was still one problem, he and Melissa remained childless.

With a new outlook on life, Ralph had decided that he and Melissa would consult a fertility specialist to try and determine what, if anything, could be done to remedy the situation. All of Melissa's tests came back without any problems, and now there was the wait for Ralph's test, particularly his sperm count test.

Melissa had been waiting by the phone all day for the results of Ralph's test. She had to be the one to wait, as Ralph was away for an entire week on business. It was all she could do to stay focused on her work as she waited, and waited, and waited. . . .

Her cell phone was vibrating! She looked at the caller I.D. "Evergreeen General Hospital". She brushed her paw across the screen.

"Hello? This is Mrs. Raccoon. No, Mr. Raccoon isn't available, he's on a business trip. I'm authorized to receive any messages regarding his health. Do you have his test results?"

Melissa's hopeful expression was quickly crushed by the news she was given. She meekly thanked the doctor's office before ending the call. She hadn't even put the phone on her desk when she dropped her head and began sobbing uncontrollably. She had been crying for several minutes when she heard the door to the Evergreen Stanadard office open.

"Melissa, what's wrong?"

Melissa looked up, sniffling and rubbing the tears away from her face to see her old friend Bert Raccoon standing in front of her. She reached for a tissue and dried her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bert. I just got some terrible new from the doctor!"

Bert, usually quite the happy-go-lucky fellow, looked genuinely concerned. "Are you sick Melissa? Is Ralph?"

She blew her nose, wadded up the tissue and threw it into the wastebasket. "No, I just got a call from the fertility doctor. They say Ralph's sterile! He'll never be able to have any children!"

Melissa resumed her sobbing, but Bert tried to comfort her. "Hey, don't cry, Melissa. Look, you and Ralph could always adopt!"

She shook her head. "That takes a ton of money, and years to get a child. Besides that, what if an adoption agency finds out that Ralph had a drinking problem? Oh God, what if he starts drinking again after I tell him the news?"

Bert grabbed her, trying even harder to console his friend. "Don't worry, Melissa, you and Ralph will be fine. Ralph will be okay, he hasn't taken a drop since the intervention! He's a stronger person now!"

The two continued hugging. After a few minutes, Melissa suddenly stopped crying. She brought her head up from Bert's now tear stained shirt. Looking at him strangely.

"What is it, Melissa?"

He could see the gears in Melissa's head turning. She was thinking of something.

"Bert, you mentioned other options, but you forgot about sperm donation!"

Bert felt uneasy at his friend saying the word "sperm" around him. "Oh, well, sorry." He noticed she was still giving him that odd, contemplating look. "Are you thinking of going that route?"

"You could say that," she said, somewhat slyly.

"But, isn't that expensive too?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Not if I do it the way I want."

Bert was feeling more and more uncomfortable with every passing second. "Um, Melissa," he said carefully, "what are you thinking about?"

She pointed at Bert. "I want you to help with the sperm donation, Bert!" she bluted out.

Bert tried backing away, grabbing the collar of his shirt in an attempt to breathe. His heart was beating like a double-bass drum. Melissa was advancing on him, but he tried to reason with her.

"Now, look, Melissa, you're not thinking rationally right now. You're upset, and you're . . .."

Bert's words were stopped as Melissa grabbed hold of him and threw him to the floor. He was so stunned that he couldn't even resist. He watched as she straddled herself on top of the raccoon then pulled her shirt off.

"We're not bothering with any fertility clinic, Bert!"

Bert was too spellbound by the naked raccoon to resist now. The thought of letting his friends down was too much to deal with. He had to help out.

It didn't hurt anything that a hot female raccoon was wanting to have his children either.

Bert and Melissa went at it numerous times when Ralph was away. Upon returning from his business trip, Melissa told him that the doctor's office was of the opinion he wasn't getting enough of several vitamins. She even went so far as to prepare a list of everything he needed to buy. Satisfied with the news, Ralph went about his life, blissfully ignorant that his wife had ever slept with his best friend . . . and that she was still doing so.

Melissa stopped sneaking around with Bert after she finally got pregnant. The day that she announced to her husband that she was expecting was the happiest day of Ralph's life. He couldn't believe that he was finally going to be a father! Ever the doting husband, he went to all of Melissa's doctor's appointments with her, making sure she was comfortable and not at any risk during her pregnancy. If Ralph though things couldn't get any better, he was happily mistaken the day the amniocentesis showed that they would be having twins! Ralph quickly went to work buying two cribs and painting one their spare rooms, turning it into a nursery. Because they would soon have two little ones to worry about, Ralph asked Bert if he could find his own place to live. Bert happily agreed, knowing that the two would not want to deal with him once they were parents.

Melissa's pregnancy went well, with no real complications; she rarely even experienced the usual morning sickness expecting mothers had to deal with.

The big day finally arrived, and Ralph was right there in the delivery room when Melissa gave birth. It was a long, hard labor, but they were rewarded with two healthy baby boys. Ralph couldn't take his eyes away from them; savoring the new feeling of being a father. Melissa, holding the little raccoon cubs asked Ralph the next question that would come up.

"So, what do you think we should name them?"

Ralph carefully stroked the fur of his little boys. "How about I name one and you name one?"

"Okay," she said. "I really like the name Rory, it was my paternal grandfather's name."

Ralph nodded in approval. "I think this little guy's gonna be a Ricky?"

"Ricky and Rory it is then," agreed Melissa.

It was while Ralph was gazing at his two boys that he noticed something: both of the boys had bent noses. Neither he or Melissa had such a facial feature. He shrugged it off, not thinking much of it.

Ralph returned to work, having to work long hours since Melissa was taking a long maternity break. In addition to his normal reporting, editing and printing duties, he had to go over the Evergreen Standard's books, a task that Melissa had always performed. He didn't mind the extra work if it meant that his wife has at home with Ricky and Rory.

As Ralph went over the expense accounts on his computer, he noticed something odd. There had been much large travel expenses than last year. Looking over the expense dates and places, he was confused. There were numerous payments to a motel just outside the Evergreen Forerst. Though there had been times when the paper had paid for the guest logging of people they were interviewing, they had never paid for a room at this particular motel, which was well known as a cheap, run down flop house that Ralph himself had written a report on for their numerous fines from the health department. Thinking there was some error, he called his credit card company hoping to get an explanation, but his credit card company confirmed that those charges were legitimate. Asking who had signed for them, he was told Mrs. Melissa Raccoon had been the signatory individual.

Ralph hung up the phone. Something was wrong, very wrong. He turned off the computer and sat in the office, alone, trying to understand what was going on. He rocked back in his chair, thinking, wondering . . .

Huh, their noses look a lot like Bert's!

That same voice he had heard in his head at the hospital could be heard again. He tried to shut it out, but it just kept repeating--over and over. Ralph put his hands over his head, thinking that any minute he might have a migraine. Opening his desk drawer for some aspirin, he saw a hand written note with a phone number on it. It was the number for Evergreen General Hospital: Fertility Clinic. Ralph called the number, wanting to do some investigating of his own. Getting hold of a receptionist, Ralph gave his patient identification number and date of birth, then inquired as to his test results from almost a year ago. Upon hearing he was sterile, Ralph, in shock, dropped the phone.

Something, indeed, was very, very wrong.

A fat hog sat at the desk of the Shady Motel, the slimey motel just outside of the Evergreen Forest. The hog, dressed in shorts and a tank top that was too small for his carriage, was so wrapped up in the magazine he was reading, he was startled by the loud ringing of a bell at the desk. Dropping his magazine, he saw an adult male raccoon starting at him.

"You need a room, bud?" he asked.

Ralph shook his head. "No, I need information."

Annoyed, the hog picked up his magazine once more. "Sorry, I ain't in the information business."

Ralph, growing angry, rang the bell repeatedly until the hog gave him his attention once more. As soon as he dropped the magazine, he saw a nice crisp fifty dollar bill in fron of him.

"Are you in the information business now?"

The hog brightened up instantly. "Yeah, what do you need to know?"

"What's your name?"

"Herbert," answered the hog.

"Herbert, have you worked here very long?"

"Three years next month, bud."

"Well maybe you can help me identify some people for me."

"I'll do my best, bud."

Ralph reached into his trench coat pocket, retrieving a picture. "Have you ever seen this guy?"

Herbert brought the picture closer to his face, as his eyesight was poor. "Oh yeah, he came here all the time months ago, him and that little babe he was with!"

Ralph put the first picture back in his pocket, and then fished out another one. "Is this the "babe" you're talking about?"

Herbert nodded his head. "Oh yeah, her! Wow! Mrs. Screamer!"

Ralph's forehead felt like a frying pan. "Mrs. Screamer?"

Herbert snorted as he laughed. "Oh yeah, that one screams up a racket when that guy in the first picture was banging her!"

"You sure about that?" asked Ralph, barely able to control his temper.

"Hey, I know what most of the people coming in here are doing. This ain't a romantic getaway!"

Ralph gave Herbert a the fifty, much to the hog's pleasure. Herbert crumbled it up and put it in his pocket.

"Hey, you a cop or something, bud?" he asked.

Ralph had already stormed out. Herbert just shook his head.

"I really should use that fifty to get some glasses," he muttered.

Melissa Raccoon was in the living room at the Raccoondaminum, watching little Ricky and Rory roll around on the floor. She looked outside, noticing that it was raining, heavily. A loud crack of thunder sounded in the distance, causing the twins to squeal.

"It's okay," said Melissa as she reached down to pick them up. "Mommy's here!"

She turned around to see that Ralph was home. With all the commotion from the storm, she must not have heard the door open and closed.

"Hi honey, dinner will be ready soon!" she shouted.

No answer from her husband. She yelled upstairs, but still no answer. She saw Ralph walk downstairs, an angry look showing on his face.

"Something wrong, Ralph?" she asked worried.

Ralph again gave no response, he simply grabbed his hat and walked out the door with a small wooden box in his paws. Confused, Melissa ran upstairs and looked around. The small box looked vaguely familiar, she looked in her bedroom closet, trying to remember what it was. She rifled through several things on a top shelf when a sickening feeling hit her. She knew exactly what it was!

"Oh my God, I have to call Bert!" she screamed.

Bert Raccoon, now in his own apartment, sat alone in the dark. The thunderstorm had knocked the power out so he had nothing to do and nowhere to go in this awful weather. Sighing, he started to drift off to sleep , when he heard very loud knocking at his door. While the knocking was going on, his cell phone vibrated, but he went first to the door to see who would be crazy enough to venture out in this weather. He sared through the peephole in the door; it was his friend, Ralph! He opened the door.

"Hiya, Ralphie boy!"

Ralph, drenched, just stared hatefully at Bert, which startled the raccoon. He looked down at Ralph's left paw to see that he was holding an almost completely empty bottle of whiskey.

"Aw, Ralph! Why'd you have to fall off the wagon?"

Ralph gave no response. Feeling very uneasy, Bert then remembered his cell phone had been vibrating non stop for over a minute now. He looked at the screen and saw the caller listed as "Melissa Raccoon"

"Hey, it's Melissa. I'll get here to come get you. You shouldn't be driving while you've been drinking!" He wiped his paw across the screen. "Hi, Melissa!"

A frantic Melissa could be heard on the other side. "Bert! Thank God I got ahold of you!"

"It's a good thing you did Ralph's here and he's drunk as a skunk. . ."

Melissa screamed. "Bert, shut up! You need to get out of there! Ralph has a . . ."

Bert heard a loud metallic click, and turned around to see that same, angry, hateful looking Ralph was now pointing a loaded gun at him.

Ralph, his words slurred from all the whiskey he'd drank, snarled a wrathful sentence at Bert. "You son of a bitch!"

BANG!

Bert was dead before he hit the floor. Ralph could hear the terrified screams of his wife coming from the cell phone as Bert's blood covered the cell phone screen that said "Melissa Raccoon".