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Morphtalk by the Blog Dog

By Gideon Kalve Jarvis

Commissioned by Seinfeld 1999

Blogisode 6:

Mmm, nothing like a long, warm bath after a hard day at work. I guess that's something that doesn't change, no matter whether you're human or morph. I think any creature would get into the feeling, actually, if they'd just relax and let themselves enjoy it.

Chuck's been waiting for me right outside the bathroom, and his arms were around me just about the same moment I stepped out. He was just wearing boxers, I was just wearing a towel. Of course, I'm not the sort to deny my guy what he wants. We're almost an "item" now, I think, or as close to that kind of relationship as I think I want. For a human, Chuck's about as open-minded as they come, and I think his laid-back, relaxed attitude towards life in general, and sex in particular, is healthy for me. It keeps me from letting myself get too stressed out, or working myself to death (a real danger with us morphs, believe it or not).

It was Chuck's idea that I go an take that bath. Nobody there to interrupt, no demands, no deadlines, nothing to interrupt me. Apparently he'd gotten the idea from his mother, who'd given the boy some advice to pass along to me. The lady is a saint, and when I meet her in person, I'm going to have to thank her personally with a nice gift. Maybe some bath salts would be appropriate. I'll have to find out from Chuck what sort she likes.

Now I'm on my stomach on the bed, typing away on this laptop of mine. Chuck's behind me, doing his best not to whimper too loudly while I boff him through his boxers with my foot. Chuck loves watching my butt wiggle while I work, and I love pretending not to notice his eyes all over me while I'm doing these sexy, mean things to him. Maybe it's not the sort of relationship everybody would enjoy, but it works for us.

That bath earlier got me in mind of describing something that I've just grown up taking for granted, but I guess a human would probably never even realize until the harsh realities of adjusting one's life to accommodate a morph came into place. Of course I'm talking about the stuff that goes on in the bathroom. No, you pervs, not the sex! Sure, that's fun and all, but I mean the serious stuff, the things that people normally do in bathrooms when they're not being molested by their horny partner(s).

One of the first things a human who's never been in a morph-equipped bathroom will notice is the additional facilities. Ideally, a morph will have been the one to put in the plumbing and electrical in the first place, but if not, then some redecorating is probably going to be in order, though it's possible to survive by just buying some of the portable models available in most home goods stores that cater to morphs. Those aren't as comfortable, but they can be lifesavers in a pinch (heh, Lifesavers in Pinch...I'll have to try that sometime), or when you're traveling with your morph.

Bidets are a common addition to just about any morph bathroom. Typically, you don't see a bidet outside of Europe or the most posh and swanky hotels that try to emulate Europe, but for us morphs, they're an essential piece of equipment. Those humans who have ever owned a four-legged cat or dog, especially one with lots of fluff, will know what I'm talking about immediately. For the rest of you, think about it a little bit. Humans have hair, and hair just isn't thick enough, under most circumstances, to really get in the way with doing your business. Fur, on the other hand, is thick by its very nature. Most morphs keep their fur neatly trimmed, for this as well as numerous other reasons, but even with a shorthair like me, sometimes it's just not enough to keep things from, well...catching. Bidets solve the problem right away. A bit of mild detergent and a spray of clean water, and bam, all done, no extra thought or trouble needed.

If there's no bidet in a bathroom, as happens way too often when I wander into buildings made by humans before morphs were even a thing, then an enterprising morph made a portable model, perfectly sized for a mid-sized purse or a large pocket, like on cargo pants. You just fill a reservoir on the side with water from the tap and a bit of your favorite cleanser, then head into a toilet stall, do your business, and clean up afterward. It's a little less convenient, but that's a lot better option than the alternative: most we morphs_hate_ being messy, especially "down there."

One handy side effect of morph cleanliness is that anal sex is going to be pretty sterile when you're with a morph, and we'll probably smell fairly nice down there as well. Any morph worth his or her salt is going to be scrubbed squeaky clean around their tailhole and a decent way into the rectum, so you can put your mouth on us down there, and there's almost no chance of getting sick. Not that morphs tend to carry many germs anyway - since we're "made" creatures, most natural-born bugs don't know quite what to do with our cells. It's even possible to go straight from anal sex to oral or vaginal sex on a morph without too much risk of a yeast infection, which is a constant threat for kinky humans. Not that I'd want to take even that little bit of risk if I could avoid it, but still, it's nice to know what options I've got available.

After the bidet, the next bit of new equipment you're going to see in a typical morphmade bathroom is the fur dryer. This handy device is going to be set on the floor a short distance from the shower, and it'll look a lot like a large, old-fashioned, raised heating grate. The grillwork on the fur dryer is usually padded with textured rubber, to make it both comfortable to stand on in your bare feet, and to give it traction when somebody fresh out of the shower steps on it. When a morph doesn't have access to a fur dryer, we generally have to settle for a normal blowdryer instead, which takes so much more time than the jumbo size made especially for us.

As you might expect, the fur dryer is made to dry a morph's fur. Most of them are either pressure activated, or else have a little switch down at the bottom that's pretty easy to hit with a bare foot before you step onto it. It's a luxury that I can't really describe to a human to step fresh from the shower, and straight into the gentle warmth of the upward-pushing air from a fur dryer, just savoring the gentle massage of the artificial wind as it works its way up beneath my fur, to the delicate fell, or skin covered by fur. There are a few especially nice models that actually blow the air down as well as up, letting the morph choose whichever is preferred, or both to create a sort of artificial whirlwind effect for a really thorough drying, but I think that would be really messy on the fur - you'd have to spend a lot of time brushing yourself out just to get all the fur facing the right direction again. These deluxe models might be freestanding, like the typical fur dryer, or a separate enclosed space.

Once you've got the air on, and are a bit dried off, then it's time to go at it with the towel and whatever combs, clippers, deodorants, or whatever other items are required to get yourself to your picture perfect best. Some morphs apply oils at this time to replace any they might have lost while bathing, to better keep their fur looking nice. A few of us add pheromone sprays, which are like those scented deodorants some humans wear which are supposed to make you irresistible to the opposite sex, except the pheromones really do work. The heat from the fur dryer tends to "seal" these additives into a given morph's fur, making them last longer. Fortunately, morphs are hypoallergenic by nature, so we're not constantly shedding, unlike the animals we closely resemble, so we're not generally going to clog up our fur dryers, or end up showering the bathroom with loose fluff.

Well, most of the time.

I'm sure a lot of you humans have been wondering about the fur problem when morphs take showers. Part of the answer is above: we're hypoallergenic, so we don't shed a whole lot. Still, just like you humans shed hair and skin cells, we morphs do the same, especially when we're bathing. Morphs have an additional problem, too: warm weather. When the seasons shift, and spring is in the air, the bodies of morphs everywhere immediately tell them that it's time to doff those coats and get ready for swimsuit weather. And by coats, I mean fur coats, the natural kind we were born with.

For about two weeks out of every year, I become a fulltime shedding machine. It's really embarrassing, and Chuck loves to tease me about it. When all the excess fur is off, though, I tend to feel...well, really sexy, actually, sort of like how I guess a human would feel after shedding some excess pounds of winter weight. Chuck's usually really happy to be around me after I've finished shedding, and I know I'm a lot more friendly to him at that point.

So, where does all that fur go? Surely we morphs don't just wash it all down the drain? Nope, that would be pretty dumb, and we'd never see the end of the plumber's bills. We use furcatchers, handy little grilled traps designed to catch fur. They're really easy to slip over most drains, and just as easy to pop off and empty. Typically, it's best for a morph who's shedding to comb and brush thoroughly in the shower, where the water can just take the wet fur down into the furcatcher. Grooming extensively like that is typically not recommended in a fur dryer, unless it's one of those deluxe models I mentioned above, the closed sort that can create a whirlwind effect. I've been able to enjoy one of those only once, but I have to admit, it was perfect for blasting off all the loose fuzz on my body in just minutes.

Now to the more mundane stuff: toiletries. I've already mentioned fur oil, and it's more essential for some breeds of morph than for others, but we all need to use it on occasion. There's any number of things that can take the natural oils out of our fur, and once that happens, the fur's useless for protection from the elements, but worse than that, it looks terrible. The stuff goes everywhere! I'm sure it's hilarious for humans who get to just watch and point, but believe me, for a morph, there's nothing quite so humiliating as having your fur in a mess because you used your human partner's shampoo one morning by mistake.

Which leads me to the next essential: fur shampoos. While morphs might use a cleanser for our privates, and soap for the standard washing of our hands and the less-furred parts of our faces, we really need to use special shampoos to get our fur clean without ruining the oils in it. Luckily most things that a human can take into or onto their body aren't toxic to morphs, unlike with our four-legged lookalikes, so we can use human soap and shampoo and other things like that without any danger to ourselves. It's just embarrassing, as I mentioned above. Fur shampoos for morphs are milder than ones intended for humans, enough to get out the grime, without mussing the fur. Of course, every so often, we have to go all out, and make use of stronger soaps to make our fur get really clean. Maybe once every month for a very furry morph, two or even three for ones like me, who keep the fur trimmed close, should be enough for a nice, deep cleanse. Personally, a deep clean every two months is great for the colder times, when I've got thicker fur, and three months takes care of me when it's warm and my fur isn't trying to grow in so fast all the time.

The other stuff a morph is going to have in the bathroom is about what you'd expect from a human with lots of facial hair, coupled with what you'd expect from someone with really long hair. You know, stuff like combs, brushes, trimmers, clippers, scissors, tweezers, everything you could want to keep the fur groomed neatly and kept looking nice. Before you ask, yes, morphs do have problems with fleas and ticks and things like that: apparently we're close enough to creatures that aren't made that those nasty bloodsucking devils don't care about the differences. I hate fleas! I had them when I was really young once, when there was an infestation at my training facility, and after the stuff I had to go through in order to get rid of them, as far as I'm concerned, the whole species can get wiped out, and I'd fall down and worship whatever god made it possible.

These days, I use a flea shampoo every so often, just to make sure I don't pick up anything from the rougher sections of town. Most morphs take pains to keep their fur or feathers or scales free of ticks, fleas, and mites, but it's always an ongoing struggle. A shampoo and the occasionally once-over with a good comb and maybe some tweezers is usually enough, as long as there isn't an infestation. Fur is a really good place for fleas and ticks to hide, so we morphs have a lot more trouble from them than humans. I hate having to use the soaps that keep them off, though, because they smell like medicine, and they taste even worse. Talk about a serious turn-off when you're trying to make it with some hot morphmale, and you smell like flea dip. Ah well, I guess it could be worse...at least Chuck seems to enjoy giving me my bi-annual flea bath.

Speaking of which...hmm, looks like Chuck's right on the verge here. Aw, poor guy: he's giving me these big sad puppydog eyes. He only does that when he really, _really_wants to cum, but he's doing his level best not to disappoint me.

Mmm. Typing while sucking on a plump, juicy human cock isn't as easy as I thought it would be. He's really tasty, though...oh!

So much...