Shaken, Not Stirred

Story by Searska_GreyRaven on SoFurry

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Never shake the can labelled "Tentacles." Unless you want to shake the can. Then, you shake the can. XD

There's not as much to this as there could be. I might revisit the concept later, but for now...there is this.

Shaken, Not Stirred

© Searska GreyRaven

I yawned and stretched, and rolled over to look at the clock.

"Holy shi--what the frell? Gah!"

The digital display told me in the calm way that most digital clocks read that the time was twenty-three past ten o'clock. Swearing, I threw back the covers and found the floor with my snout.

Yes, snout. I'm a dragon. Well, mostly dragon. There are other bits floating around in my blood, but most of the time, it's dragon. Eastern dragon, to be precise. I'm not one of theose greedy, gluttonous, gold-hoarding Western dragons. Dark red and blue, with ivory claws and horns, and a tail that doesn't know the meaning of personal boundaries.

The sheet had wrapped around my leg and prevented me for rising. I swore again and kicked myself free. I stood up, joints cracking in protest, and made my way to the bathroom. It wasn't until after I had staggered to the sink that I remembered that I had absolutely nothing to do today.

No work, no class, and most importantly, no commitments. Oh yeah, that's why I had no alarm today. I sighed and glanced at the clock again. So much for an early start.

"Caffeine," I muttered to myself. I half-walked, half-fell down the stairs and into the kitchen, my claws clicking on the stone floor, and opened the fridge. I grabbed the first thing that looked remotely like a canned Starbucks coffee and tore it open. After a few minutes, the haze in my brain began to clear. That's when I noticed it.

It was sitting on the table with a note taped to it. A gift from Zath, my partner in crime. It was a silver canister completely devoid of a label. Written on the side in black permanent marker was a single word, "Tentacles."

"What the hell?" I murmured. I picked up the can and flipped it over. The note fluttered to the tabletop.

My Lovely Searska,

_ Left a gift for you to enjoy while the car is being fixed. Thought it may alleviate the boredom. Open it carefully and do NOT shake it before you open it!_

_ Enjoy!_

_ ~Zath_

"Well, naturally now that he said not to shake it, I kind of have to," I grinned. I snapped my wrist, giving the can a good jolt. Something rippled the metal under pads of my claws. I hissed in surprise and dropped the can to the floor. It rolled a few feet and came to rest against the wall, where is sat, inert once more.

"That was interesting," I said. I bent over the can to inspect it. "Hope I didn't break it."

I reached out to pick it up. The metal was warm against my hand, much warmer than the room. I frowned. Cans should not become warmer unless they were heated.

Or unless a chemical reaction was making them warmer.

Oh crap. What did I do?

I picked up the can and flipped it over, looking for anything that might resemble instructions. Nothing. A completely void, shady-looking blank can. Well, if Zath gave it to me, it can't be that_dangerous..._

With a shrug, I opened the can.

I'm lucky that the vampire who used me for a lab experiment fiddled with my reflexes, or the thing flying out of the opening in the can may have taken my head off. Something blue flashed out of the can, past my cheek, and recoiled back into the canister faster than a mouse's gasp.

I yelped and aimed the opened can at the wall. "What the hell was that?!"

The can had gone inert once more.

I didn't believe that for a second. Whatever this thing was, it was fiesty. And shaking it had probably made it angry.

I held the can, waiting for something else to emerge, but after several minutes, nothing more happened. I took a deep breath and slowly tipped the can up. Still nothing. I tipped the can back towards the wall. The can was quiet. I let out the air in my lungs and relaxed. "Okay, what was in that canned coffee drink?" I chuckled. "Blue tentacles. Bloody hell, I think I over-slept and it messed with my brain."

I tipped the can upside down, and a sound that resembled a cross between a squelch and a fart emanated from the can. And a blob of clear blue fluid as thick as honey dripped from the top.

"Umm...ok...that's weird..."

The blob lashed out at my leg. I leapt back and dropped the can. Another tendril lashed out and managed to wrap around my wrist while I was distracted. I snarled and sank my teeth into it. The fluid yielded to my fangs and my jaws passed right through it. The gunk twitched on my tongue. I spat the blue crud out. It coated my tongue in a film that tasted strangely of strawberry.

I raised an eye ridge at the can, and snapped at the other tendril lashing at the empty air. It severed cleanly in my mouth, and receded back into the can. I swallowed the blue gunk and grinned. My lips curled into a Cheshire Cat grin.

"Blue strawberry tentacle thing that tries to eat ME?! Oh, it's on now!" I made an evil laugh, and grabbed the can. I plugged the top with my thumb, and shook the thing vigorously.

I gave it about ten good shakes before it exploded.

The can split, sending aluminum shrapnel flying everywhere. A blob of clear blue jelly plopped to the floor, seven tentacles waving around frantically. I blanched and bolted for the stairs. This was more tentacle beast than I wanted to deal with before breakfast.

The tentacle thing grabbed me before I made it to the second step. I wrapped my arms around the banister and flailed my tail to catch my balance.

It wrapped around my legs and yanked me back with enough force that I felt the wood crack under my claws. I twisted and bit at it, but the thing had anticipated my attack and wrapped around my nose.

Alright, this tentacle in a can asked for it!

I let go of the banister and slashed wildly at the center of the mass, tearing chunks of clear blue goo away and splattering them against the wall. The tendril around my muzzle relaxed, and I tore into that glob with gusto.

I was having blue strawberry tentacle beast for breakfast.

It was all over in a matter of minutes. Blue gunk was spattered everywhere, dripping from the ceiling fan and the TV. Blue streaks ran across the walls, and a piece had even made it all the way to the door. I sat in the middle of a puddle of the stuff, gasping for breath, when the front door opened.

In walked a short white feline anthro with pale blue-green eyes and a brown paper bag clutched in one paw. He paused, closed the door, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Um, hi? Welcome home?" I said from the wreckage. A wad of blue gunk chose that moment to fall from the ceiling and land on my head.

"You shook it, didn't you?" Zath asked.

"Heh, umm, maybe?" I said, grinning sheepishly.

"I should know better than to ask you not to do something by now."

I giggled. "I love you?"

He sighed and laughed. "I love you too."

"Umm, what was it supposed to do?" I asked, licking some of the blue goop from my face.

"It was supposed to be a tentacle sex toy. Agitating the can means the spell becomes aggressive instead of amorous." He looked around at the mess.

I laughed. "Well, you never said that!"

"It's going to smell like blue strawberry in here for a month, isn't it?"


"This is why we can't have nice things."

I wasn't listening. "Was that the only one, or did you get more than one can?" I asked.

He huffed. "Like I'd leave you unattended with another can of tentacles?"

I scowled. "I won't shake that one!" I sniffed.

Zath put the paper bag in the kitchen and knelt next to me. He licked my nose and helped me up out of the goo. "Let's get you cleaned up," he said with a smile.

"As long as you use your tongue." I leered at him and stuck out my tongue.

"That's why I got one that was strawberry flavored. I had a feeling you'd get messy."

I laughed and allowed him to carry me upstairs. We (well, I) left a trail of sticky blue gunk all the way to the bedroom.

Mental note: Don't Shake the Can!

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