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When Meagan and I sat on a bench watching the sunset together at Gainsborough Boulevard, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life... Everything looked so peaceful... Seagulls were flying in the distance, screeching out loud... The sound of waves hitting the shores... Palm-trees gently swaying left and right in the cool summer's breeze... Meagan and I have been sitting there for about half an hour in total silence after she poured her heart out to me, crying her eyes out when she told me about things she was never able to process... Talking to her made her emotions get the better of her when she told me her story... It's sad and tragic yet inspiring all at the same time... Her eyes were still red from all the crying she did but I saw her smiling weakly when she was staring in the distance at the ocean... It took a while for her to calm down but once she did, she gave me a big firm hug, thanking me... And ever since then, we've been staring at the sunset in total silence... We were supposed to go out and have fun together but after what happened at O'Malley's, neither of us felt like going for a drink anymore... Instead, we sat down somewhere quiet where we could talk and stayed there since... After a while though, I could feel she placed her hand on mine...

'Ceylan...?'

'Yes...?'

'I know I´ve said a lot of things that really hurt your feelings... Not just to you but to a whole bunch of people who didn't deserve the way I treated them... I guess I acted like that to everyone so that I could forget about my own problems and would feel better about myself by pulling other people down... But I suppose it was just my way of dealing with it... I've been such a bitch, Ceylan... And I'm sorry... I truly am...'

'It's okay...'

'It's not... Heh... I mean... The night I found you in the living-room with your diary, it was, uhm...'

'You couldn't have known...'

'No, but... I still think about it and wonder what drove me to have said those things...'

'It just goes to show that everyone has a story to tell... And every story has two sides... Listening to each other for once made all the difference there was... It changed everything I knew about you... And perhaps it was good that it happened... If it didn't, we probably wouldn't be sitting here right now...'

'Heh...'

'I know it's never easy to tell anyone when something has so much impact on your life, especially when it's all personal...'

'Exactly... It's just... I've never been so open and personal with anyone in my life before as I have with you... And I always thought I never could be so honest about myself... I always thought I never had to talk about it simply because no one would ever give a damn... But the fact that you're sitting here next to me makes me realize how wrong I was... It makes me realize how wrong I was about you...'

'It's alright...'

'Despite all the things said and done, you, of all people, care enough about me to sit down and listen to me... I just can't tell how much it means to me that you've been so supportive... I've never been so glad to have been proved wrong... And I honestly can't think of anyone I'd rather be with right now... So... Thank you...'

I squeezed her hand and smiled at her and all she did was smiling right back at me... As we kept staring in the distance, I saw the silhouette of two people walking hand in hand in the distance on the beach... I couldn't help to smile when I saw that... It reminded of what I used to do... Strolling around on the beach with a loved one... I suppose Meagan saw that too, judging the way she was smiling... I looked at her as I got up from the bench, reaching my hand out to her with the intention for us to go for a walk. She looked at me for a moment and smiled right back at me...

'Come on, let's go...'

The two of us were making our way down the stairs to the beach... Walking on the wooden boards was easy but once we were walking on sand, it got a lot more trickier to walk in heels... So I took them off and Meagan followed my example... The cool sand between my toes felt so refreshing... As we made our way towards the shore, I walked with my bare feet through shallow waters while Meagan was walking right next to me but the water was so cold, I quickly started to walk on sand again... Wasn't really that smart considering the sand was now sticking to my feet and I still had to wear my pumps later on... Anyway, I knew exactly where we were going... I was going to take her to the lagoon where Blain and I always hang out... But the two of us were quiet as we made our way there...

It took us a while before we finally reached the lagoon and even though it was quite the hike, Meagan didn't ask me where we were going... Like it didn't matter to her, as long as she was away from it all... Along the way, we encountered other people who were going for a walk as well. Normally, I'd get there from the other side which was much more easier to reach but that meant that we had to walk all the way around. So we carefully made our way up the rocks and followed it along to the beach up ahead. Looking to my left, I saw the lagoon in all it's natural beauty... Crystal clear blue water with a pearl white sandy beach, surrounded by palm trees... Needless to say, walking on rocks on bare feet isn't exactly comfortable and when we finally sat down, I placed my heels next to me and let my feet down in the water to wash off the sand... I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed quietly while having a huge smile on my face... I looked at Meagan and she followed my example by letting her feet down in the water as well...

'This place is so beautiful, Ceylan...'

'It is, isn't it? See that fallen palm tree over there?'

'Yeah?'

'That's my usual spot. My friend and I always sit there.'

'Did you made that fire pit over there?'

'No, it was there long before. People still seem to use it.'

'You'd expect to see more people here.'

'I suppose people don't feel like sitting down for hours and do absolutely nothing. Not everyone appreciate the peace and beauty this place has to offer.'

'Water looks very shallow though. Too shallow to go for a dive.'

'Deepest point is about a meter deep. It's nice to be in the water after a hot day but no, I wouldn't take a dive from here.'

'Hm-mm...'

'Still, I really love this place...'

As I looked around the lagoon, countless of memories passed by... When Sarah and I first got here when I was thirteen years old, we thought we discovered something no one else did. Imagine the look on our faces when we found a couple there one day making out... Nevertheless, that didn't stop us from coming back... Sarah took me there so that we could be alone... She was quite romantic... Nikki and Samantha have been here with me as well... And Terry... All of my ex boy and- girlfriends were there with me... And Blain... Heh... Just up ahead was a small passage in the water, which was relatively sheltered by the surrounding rocks... Two people could be there and no one would be able to see them from the beach... Terry and I have been there making love to each other... Remembering how it used to be caused me to have a bit of a dreamy smile on my face...

'Hm... Good times...'

'Hehe... You come here often?'

'At least once a week...'

'I can see why this place is so special to you...'

'Yeah... It's kind of funny because... I've never been here with someone I haven't had a crush on... That's what always made it so special to me...'

'Is that why you've brought me here?'

It took a few moments for me to realize why she asked me that. I guess she interpreted my words differently... I meant nothing with it.. But when I looked at Meagan, she looked at me with a frown, having a cute smile on her face and yet she seemed to feel a little uneasy... And that's when I realized I gave her the wrong idea...

'O-Oh, uhm... Well, I, uhm... I-I didn't mean anything by that... I was just saying that... T-That I've always been here with someone I fell in love with... It's what makes this place so special to me...'

'I see...'

'Please don't get me wrong, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea...'

'It's okay, no need to apologize...'

'Heh...'

'Christ, way to go, Ceylan... That totally wasn't inappropriate or creepy at all...' I decided to shut up instead to prevent of making more of an ass of myself than I already did... Then again, she really is absolutely gorgeous to look at... But to have feelings for her...? I didn't think that it would ever get that far but I'd rather want something that required a lot less of a "commitment", if you know what I mean... Images of us fucking each other didn't really help me at all though... Every time I looked at her, I felt rather embarrassed, especially after I said that... So I kept staring down at the water instead as it stayed quiet for a while between us...

'Ceylan...?'

'Yes...?'

'Can I ask you something personal...?'

'Depends...'

'Was there ever a time where you doubted yourself...? I mean, about your feelings for other women...? Did that ever confuse you...?'

'Why do you ask?'

'Because I wouldn't know what it's like to give in to your feelings for someone... But I'd know that I would be pretty damn confused if that ever happened to me, regardless of gender... And I can imagine that you feel the same...'

'Heh... I was, yeah... Some people think it has to be something different but truth is, it never felt any different to me... I always felt that it was part of me but it didn't necessarily made it any easier... So yeah, it can get pretty confusing...'

'How so...?'

'Well, the thing is, Meagan... Uhm... I know things may get a little awkward at times but... Nikki and I, well... We both fancy women... We look at women the same way as guys do... But it's a little more complicated than that...'

'I can imagine...'

'It's not easy to be friends with someone who cares for you, knowing that your feelings for her will never be answered, simply because she's straight...'

'Hm-mm...'

'It's painful to know the feelings can never be mutual... And sometimes, it's best to stay silent and let it go... But it doesn't make it any easier...'

'Hm...'

'So yeah, I used to worry a lot about it... Worried about what other people may think of me if they ever found out I'm bi-sexual so I kept it a secret from a lot of people for years because the idea that someone would find out scared me...'

'Why...?'

'By thinking that it's wrong or unnatural or whatever... And when you hear that from someone else, you start to wonder if it really is wrong to feel that way...'

'You're just being yourself, right...?'

'Yeah but not everyone see it like that... They'll think that I changed for coming out but in fact, they're the ones who changed by being afraid of something they don't know... It's easier to judge someone than actually try to listen and understand...'

'I see...'

'So I don't really see a reason why I should listen and understand someone who doesn't like the idea of me being bi-sexual... I tried in the past and I always failed... Nowadays, I simply don't give a damn anymore because it makes everything a whole lot more easier for me...'

'Is that why you were afraid to come out to Terry...?'

'Yes... Yes, that's exactly why I was afraid... Except, well... Things turned out very different once I came out to him... I didn't want him to find out about me that way...'

'It's not how things should've turned out...'

'Nevertheless, it still did... So yeah, it's a good idea to stay open and honest about it...'

'Was he your first boyfriend...?'

'He was, yeah... But then I fucked up and now he hates me so...'

'I don't think he hates you...'

'A severe dislike then... I don't expect him to be best buddies with me all of a sudden but I just want us to be in the same room without going at each other's throat, especially now that we're going to help Nikki... Wouldn't do her any good if she keeps seeing Terry and me having fights all the time...'

'He'll come around...'

'I don't think he will... Maybe I expected too much from him or maybe I had my head up in the clouds... But I guess that's always been my problem... And I guess that's the reason why I always fucked up...'

'Hm...

'They say that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but people who spread that kind of bullshit around obviously never fell in love with someone before...'

'You honestly think that someone who has never loved before are better off alone?'

'Not always... But what I mean is, the one you love the most can also cause the most pain...'

'I guess that's true...'

'Yeah... When Nikki broke up with me, I was an emotional wreck for weeks...'

'Do you miss her...?'

'I do, yes... But you know, we all had to move on eventually...'

'Yeah...'

I took a deep breathe and sighed quietly as I closed my eyes for a moment... Every once in a while, I looked at her while she kept staring ahead... The water was really nice... Circling my feet around in it felt great... After a while though, Meagan looked at me again...

'I think you weren't the only one who had their heads up in the clouds...'

'What do you mean?'

'Nikki always was a romanticist... A bit too much, if you asked me... Living in her own fantasy over the years, imagining the perfect partner... She always held on to that idea...'

'That's what loneliness does to you...'

'Yes but it creates false expectations about someone... Nikki always wanted someone who could meet all of her expectations... A "perfect" partner doesn't exist but Nikki strongly believes that someone can sweep her off her feet, like in the movies. No one can ever satisfy all your needs and requirements as the perfect partner.'

'Yeah...'

'And perhaps she expected way too much and worried over it instead of enjoying the times she has spend with you... And I can imagine that perhaps you felt a certain pressure of "meeting her expectations", even if that meant you were way out of your comfort-zone for doing so... I think Nikki saw that and that's why she always felt that she wasn't good enough for you...'

'She felt she wasn't good enough for me...?'

'Yeah... You made her happy in every way imaginable... She just didn't know how to make you happy...'

'Do you think I ever gave her the impression that she wasn't good enough for me...?'

'No, I don't think you did, with everything she told me about you...'

'Heh... Did she ever talked to you about her insecurities...? For being lesbian...?'

'She did, yeah... Nikki is just as afraid as you were for the same reasons...'

'Hm...'

'She knows she's lesbian except it's so much harder for her to give in to her feelings...'

'Because she's afraid...'

'Yes... We talked a lot about her sexuality but things got a little awkward at times... I'm not the one to judge but... I just can't relate to her feelings...'

'For being lesbian...?'

'No... For being in love...'

'I see...'

'I saw a lot of things the two of you shared together that I don't have in my life... It seems so straight forwards but it's just... You know... Coming home late and see you and Nikki asleep on the couch in each other's arms... To see how you've kissed each other...'

'Did that make you feel uncomfortable...?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean... Seeing two girls kiss each other...?'

'Hehehe... In my line of business, there's hardly anything that shocks me... I've seen it all, Ceylan...'

'Aaah...'

'I just never imagined to see Nikki like that... That came quite as a surprise...'

'Hm...'

'I believe that was also the first time I saw you, wasn't it...?'

I had a smile on my face but as soon as she mentioned that, that smile got wiped off my face and suddenly remembered the very first time I saw her... Which also happened to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life... Encase you're wondering: Meagan came home that day unexpectedly while Nikki and I were half-naked on the couch making out with each other... I do try to forget it ever happened but now that she brought it up again, I couldn't help help feel embarrassed once more... Meagan saw the look on my face and all she did was having a cheeky smile on her face as she was looking at me for a moment...

'Oh my god, that was terrible... I still cringe every time I think about it...'

'Hihi... Hm...'

'That was also the last time we had sex in the living-room.'

'Haha! Awww...'

'You didn't knew about Nikki back then, did you?'

'No, I wasn't aware of anything. I had no idea she had feelings for women, let alone coming home and well... Find her the way I did...'

'Pfffff... Haha! Wow... Well, uhm... I-I mean, uh... It's also part of loving someone and...'

'You mean sex?'

'Uh, yeah...'

'Well, of course it is! I never was under the impression that the two of you never had intimate moments together.'

'Hehe...'

'In fact, I could hear the two of you going at it through the walls of my bedroom.'

'Oh dear god...'

'Mostly Nikki though...'

'Uh-huh...'

'Every night you stayed over...'

'That totally isn't embarrassing to hear at all...'

'Hihi... But uhm... Yeah, I mean, I was quite surprised and I thought it was weird at first but it did explain a lot about her...'

'Why she never brought a boyfriend back home?'

'Among other things, yes...'

'Hehehe...'

'Still, I love Nikki and she's my best friend... It's not for me to judge with whom she wants to spend her life with... I just had to get used to the idea of her being with another female...'

'Did you ever had trouble with that...?'

'Well, no, not really... She finally had someone with whom shared a mutual love... That's a lot more than I can say for myself...'

'Heh...'

A soft cool breeze was going down my back and all Meagan did was smiling right back at me... Come to think of it, I should've known that Meagan was able to hear everything... Sometimes, Nikki and I woke up in the middle of the night and we were at it when we couldn't sleep... Sunday mornings, waking up at eleven AM and had morning sex with her... Good times indeed... Looking at Meagan and saw the way she smiled at me had me thinking... If she talked to Nikki about love, did that also mean she talked to Nikki about sex...? And if so, what exactly did Nikki say to her...? More importantly, did she ever mentioned my "bed performance"...? I was dying to know now...

'Meagan...?'

'Yes?'

'Did Nikki also talked about... Well, you know...?'

'Haha! Yeeees, she did...'

'What did she tell you?'

'Well, Nikki always told me that you were open about it. You always talked to her about what she liked before doing anything and even though she appreciated that you did, she never felt comfortable having these kind of talks with you.'

'Why's that?'

'The longer the two of you were together, the more of an issue it became for her.'

'Ah... Did I had anything to do with that...?'

'Well, no... It's mostly about feeling insecure and that she never felt good enough for you... Also, she knows you've been with other women before... And well, after you confessed that you cheated on her, all of her confidence and hope of things getting better between the two of you shattered to pieces...'

'Yeah... It wasn't exactly my proudest moment...'

'Maybe but Nikki knows why you did it... You were simply looking for someone who could...'

'Perhaps but... It wasn't worth it...'

'It's just that Nikki has a lot of things to work out for herself... Not just in terms of her sexuality... She needs time, Ceylan... But she'll be alright...'

I nodded quietly and lifted my feet out of the water for a moment and placed them back in... I looked at Meagan and all I could think of was why she was sharing all this with me... Like she was trying to tell me something... No one simply shares something that was told to you in the utmost confidence and trust...

'I know sex has always been an issue to Nikki but I never thought it was this big... And that's why I'm so open about it... I think it's very important to discuss it with your partner...'

'Hm-mm...'

'I've got nothing to be ashamed of, right?'

'No...'

'It's just who I am...'

'What about males?'

'What about it?'

'Well, you know... Sex...'

'It feels normal to me, if that's what you mean...'

'No, I mean... Do you have a preference of some sort...?'

'You mean if I'd rather do it with a guy or a girl?'

'Haha! Yeah...?'

'Uhm... I'm leaning way more towards girls... I've only been with two guys in my entire life and to me, it doesn't really matter if it's a guy or a girl. It's how that person makes you feel that matters... Most of those persons just happened to be girls.'

'I see...'

'And I honestly think that sex is important in a relationship... Because you get to show your feelings that can't be expressed in words... It keeps the passion alive...'

'Yeah...'

'Doesn't change the fact that I'm kind of, sort of, addicted to it as well...'

'To sex?'

'There's nothing wrong with liking it, is there? I mean...'

'No, of course not...'

'It's not like I jump on every girl I get to meet... Although that would be very nice if I could.'

'Hehehe...'

'But yeah, like I said, I always fuck up in a relationship and well... Here I am, looking for something with a lot less of a commitment... And that's exactly what I got...'

'What do you mean?'

'Uhm... It's a long story but uhm... There's this guy I've been friends with for as long as I can remember... Had each other's back through thick and thin over the years... And I would be lying if I said that there never was anything going on between us...'

'Oh...?'

'It started with a simple kiss and well... At some point in our lives, we slept with each other...'

'I see...'

'There always was something special about him but I never could place those feelings until now...'

'You weren't in love with him?'

'No...'

'But you still had sex with him?'

'Well, I was young, stupid and naive... We weren't looking much into it, really... But as I got older, I started to question what it really was... But then he left for two years and even though I missed him dearly, I had to move on... It was no longer something I felt I had to find an answer for once I met Terry and Nikki...'

'Oh...'

'But when he came back about eight months ago, it didn't take long for us to pick up where we left off... It was like he never left and the feelings I felt for him came back... And I figured that if these feelings didn't go away after his two years of absence, I figured they never will...'

'So how do you feel about him then...?'

'I just want, you know... To be intimate with him... And that's all, really...'

'Ah...'

'So we were open and honest about it towards each other and well... One thing led to the next and we slept with each other again... It had all the necessary drama and misunderstandings but in the end, all turned out well... And he stayed my mate ever since...'

'I see, so it's like, a friends with benefits kind of thing you have going on with him?'

'Sort of, yeah...'

'Is it any different...?'

'What is...?'

'Having sex with someone you're in love with and well... Doing it with a friend...?'

'I don't think it's any different... In the end, all that matters is that you feel good with the person you're spending time with... It's just another form of bonding... Which is why it's so important not to create false expectations when it's not your intention... You can have sex with someone you love but that doesn't necessarily mean you're supposed to be in love with them...'

'True...'

'That's why talking about it is so important in order not to create false expectations about each other...'

'It's all about having fun...'

'Exactly... Back in high school, I had a friend who was curious about it. She didn't know about my feelings for women back then so I just played along and we started to fool around... Once I came out to her, her curiosity got the better of her, asking me all sorts of questions about sex and what not... Still, my answers couldn't satisfy her curiosity...'

'So you showed her a thing or two...?'

'Haha! Well, it's uhm... We used to go to the gym to work out. And after practice, we took a shower in the ladies locker-room... Now I never really had much of a problem getting undressed in front of other females but things proved to be a little more difficult once I saw other females naked as well... I kept staring from the corner of my eyes... I never saw so many pussies in one place before...'

'Hehehe...'

'But seeing my friend naked for the very first time... That was very weird, especially when I wanted so much more from her...'

'How'd it happen then?'

'One night, we stayed late until we were the only ones left in the gym. We were talking to the owner of the gym whom my friend happened to know for years and we forgot time... So we took our showers and I knew no one else would be joining us...'

'Hm-mm...'

'My heart was pounding in my chest when I stood behind her to wash her back, being ever so careful not to fuck it up and did my best to seduce her... I kissed her cheek and well... Before I knew it, my hands went down between her legs...'

'Oh wow...'

'She wasn't fighting it, she wasn't questioning it... She just let me do my thing... I pushed her to the wall as I got down on my knees... She lifted her leg over my shoulder and well... I worked my magic...'

'Hehehe... Did she like it...?'

'She sure as hell did... And well, ever since then, she and I occasionally do it...'

'I see... Do you still see her?'

'She moved to a university several years ago but we still keep in touch...'

'Hm...'

'But yeah, it was always a lot of fun... And I still have...'

My ass was getting numb from sitting on the rocks. I constantly swapped butt-cheeks by leaning left and right but at some point, that didn't do the trick anymore... So I got up and suggested to go to the beach where we could sit more comfortably... I reached my hand out to Meagan and helped her to get up. We grabbed our shoes and made our way to the beach, where we sat down on the fallen tree's stump. Meagan looked at me and smiled once more... And we picked up our conversations where we left off...

'Sounds like you've had quite the adventures...'

'Oh yes... Definitely...'

'Can I ask you something personal, Ceylan?'

'Sure.'

'What drives you to it...?'

'What do you mean?'

'To have sex with someone...?'

'Well, a lot of factors play a part before I ever get that far with someone... I mean, I love sex but I'm not that desperate for it.'

'It's supposed to stay fun...'

'Yeah, pretty much... And of course I like passion and all that but sex doesn't always have to be a cluster-fuck of emotions... Depends on the mood I'm in... I can be very tender and passionate but I occasionally like being handled roughly... When my friend got back from Sercia, he didn't get laid in over two years... It took another two months before we started having sex again... Needless to say, he had a lot of steam to blow off...'

'Hehehe... So you've shown him a good time then...?'

'Well actually, he showed me a good time...'

'That good, huh...?'

'Haha! We did it four times that night...'

'Four times??'

'Haha, yes! I got ravaged by him...'

'Wow...'

'He's awesome...'

'So he takes good care of you...?'

'He certainly does...'

Meagan stayed quiet for a moment as stared at the night-sky having a bit of a dreamy smile on her face... I can only guess if she ever had a love life... Judging the smile on her face, she used to know what it was like having one... She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed quietly...

'You know... When you said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all is bullshit, I couldn't help to think that you're absolutely right about that.'

'You mentioned that there was someone...'

'Yeah, back in high school... I knew him my entire life... But as soon as shit started to hit the fan, I had to let him go...'

'Do you still see him...?'

'No... It's been nine years since I've last talked to him... Part of me feels like reaching out and get in touch again but... I honestly don't think it would be such a good idea...'

'Oh...'

'Besides, he moved on long ago... I saw on his Facebook page that he settled down with a nice girl and all... Heh... I saw pictures of him and well... Still handsome as ever...'

'Do you miss him?'

'Yes... After all these years, I still miss him... But I try not to think about him anymore...'

'Was he your first...?'

'Hm-mm... First in everything, really...'

'Hehe...'

'It was special and oh so wonderful and sex used to mean so much more to me... But nowadays, it's the only thing I do...'

'Do you find it difficult to talk about?'

'No, not really, considering my love life is pretty much non-existent.'

'No but I mean, about your job and the reason why you choose to stay single...?'

'It's not exactly a topic I discuss over lunch, no...'

'I can understand but... Do you ever feel the need to talk about it? About sex...?'

'Sometimes, yeah... Having different motives for sex changes the way you percept it... You think it's very special and all and well... I don't... To me, sex is just a way to earn money... A job...'

'How does that make you feel?'

'Well, what's there to talk about, Ceylan? I mean, I'm not proud of myself for doing it but things could've been far worse. I could've sucked dicks in a sleazy alleyway for a twenty, like most unemployed, undereducated dimwitted crack-whores back in Freyton but I don't.'

'Hm...'

'But it's just... I can complain all I want but that doesn't change anything about my situation.'

'I see... But what does that do to you, in terms of your own sexuality? Because I can understand that, well... You'd have your own needs and desires...'

'I do, yes but I try not to think about it... Everything I do and say is meaningless and it should stay that way. I can't let my own feelings get in between...'

'Yes but what exactly would you like...?'

'Hm...?'

'If you would not be in this situation you're currently in and if you had a different job and think about what makes you happy, what would that be...?'

'You mean sex...?'

'Anything you'd expect to have when you're in love...?'

Meagan looked a little puzzled at first and blushed a little when she smiled weakly... Out of all the questions I could ever asked her, she certainly didn't expect that one... I could see that she was thinking as it stayed silent for a moment...

'I-I, uhm... I honestly have no idea... No one has ever asked me that before...'

'You never gave it a thought...?'

'I did, yeah but it never was relevant for me to on hold on to those ideas...'

'I see...'

'But I suppose that... I wish I could've had the things that you have... To have the freedom to look for someone without being held back...'

'What do you mean...?'

'Well... You're looking for people who could make you happy... And I know you're looking for something with a lot less commitment at the moment but it doesn't stop you from trying it out when it feels right with someone... And I wish I could do the same, to give myself to someone and be committed to him the way it's supposed to be without anything holding me back...'

'I see...'

'I'm not expecting some prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet or anything but... I just wish that I could find him for myself...'

'I see...'

'And I don't think I'd expect anything else other than mutual love and respect... Just like any other girl... I know sex is important to you but to me, it wouldn't matter either way...'

'As long as you get the feeling that you're loved...'

'Yeah... But, uhm... I suppose it's not something I should think too much about... It would only make my job more difficult...'

'I know you've said you're not proud of yourself for doing it but how does that make you feel...?'

'I just need to make the best of it, Ceylan... It's still a choice I made for myself... Things get tough now and then but all things considered, I'm still lucky I ended up the way I did.'

'So how did you end up, if you don't mind me asking...?'

Again, another weak smile and a blush on her face... She certainly wasn't expecting these questions and sure as hell didn't expect anyone to be interested in her love and sex life... Let alone anyone asking about her job... But to be honest, I was really keen to know more about what she does... The thing is, I knew what she did and that's why it had me so curious...

'Hehe, uhm... How I ended up there...?'

'Yeah...?'

'Well, you know what I did before any of this... I was already used to take my top off and strut around...'

'Yeah...'

'But uhm... I did my research and came across a gentleman's club who were hiring girls... The thing is, I thought it was a brothel of some kind but it isn't... When I got there, I was actually wondering if I was at the right place... It didn't fit the description at all.'

'Why's that?'

'Well, I arrived at a fairly large villa on the countryside near Stanford. Once I got inside, I knew I was at the right place. Beautiful girls in lingerie everywhere. You'd like it there.'

'Hehehe...'

'Anyway, I met the madame of the estate with whom I had an interview. Patiently explained everything and answered every question I had. She told me that not every girl that walks in gets to work there because, well... It is actually a high class escort service... It's all about looks and class...'

'And you obviously fit the picture in that...'

'Hihi, yes... It had me doubting at first but I just had to try it for at least a day to see how it would go... '

'So how did that go?'

'The first day was nerve wrecking, really... But all the girls were very friendly and they made me feel comfortable, shared advice and well, I got to know them. They told me that the madame takes good care of "her" girls and that she's been real good to them.'

'So did you had a client on your first day or...'

'No, I stayed there just to observe things at first... On the third day, I was comfortable enough to have my first client...'

'How was that...?'

'Haha, uhm... He was just an average Joe, really... Early to mid forties and a bit chubby but he was very friendly and oh so nervous for doing such a thing for the very first time... I told him I was new on the job as well and... I had a good laugh with him once he started to relax and I was surprisingly okay with being completely naked in front of him... He just couldn't keep his eyes off me and kept telling me how beautiful I was...'

'I can imagine...'

'Hehe... Things were a little awkward at first but I managed to... Every day I learned new things and well... I stayed there ever since...'

'Wow... Six years now, right...?'

'Hm-mm... There have been quite a few days where I came home and asked myself what the hell I was doing but... But at times like that, I told myself that I could've ended up far worse if I didn't and that I'm just doing it for one thing and one thing only...'

'Money to pay off your debts...'

'Yes... It pays very well...'

'Can I ask how much that is?'

'You could easily make three thousand dinar on a good week.'

'T-Three thousand dinar??'

'Hm-mm...'

'Wow... Holy shit, that is a lot...'

'You'll earn in a week what takes others two months of hard work.'

'Whoa... So, uhm... How exactly does it go...?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean, a guy comes to that place and then what...? Is it like going to a store and pick whatever you fancy?'

'Haha! Yeah, pretty much... A guy comes in and goes to a separate room where all the girls will introduce themselves one by one. After that, he simply picks one he finds the most attractive and after he paid, he follows her to an available room... Or he can make a reservation...'

'Like in a restaurant?'

'Yes, just like that.'

'Okay but... Isn't that kind of weird, I mean... You'd hardly know the guy...'

'True... That's why you shouldn't be too personal...'

'So can you make yourself feel comfortable enough to do so...?'

'Strike up a conversation about something light. Things like the weather, hobbies, movies, or if they have any plans for the weekend or whatever. Things get a lot more easier when you both feel relaxed but it's even easier when there's a click. Most guys are actually very friendly.'

'And then you have sex...'

'Foreplay and everything and eventually sex, yes...'

'And what if your client happens to be ugly...? I mean, I can imagine not every guy coming in look like Chris Hemsworth...'

'That's why a click is so important... It makes it easier... But I'll close my eyes either way...'

'And when he's leaving, it's like "Thank you, come again"?'

'Hahaha!'

'Sorry, thought it was funny...'

'It's okay, I thought so too. Hihi... No but clients pay for our time. They can choose between half an hour, an hour or an hour and a half, depending on the size of their wallet.'

'Soooo how much would that be...?'

'You get to set your own prices...'

'Oh...? Can I ask how much you... Well...'

'Hmmmm... Half an hour is a hundred and twenty... An hour is two hundred fifty and an hour and a half is three hundred seventy five...'

'Wow... You weren't kidding when you said that it can easily get to three thousand dinar a week...'

'Hm-mm...'

'That does sound rather inviting... I mean, three thousand dinar...'

'What's with all the questions?'

'I was just curious how things go and well...'

'Why, you interested in joining...?'

'Haha! Uhm...'

'Because if you are, I can definitely get you in. I bet a girl like you would be very popular.'

'L-Like me?'

'You know... Tall, sexy looking, gorgeous body... Exotic tigress and all...'

'Haha! Uhm... N-No, no, I don't think it would be my kind of thing...'

'If you ever change your mind, just let me know.'

'I'm just curious...'

'Well, in that case... Ask away...'

'Okay, sooooo... What if he gets off in the first five minutes?'

'You can either fill the rest of the time with talking or giving him a back rub or...'

'... Or?'

'Or you can offer him to have another go...'

'... Do you?'

'Rarely... Only if I really, really like the guy or if he took good care of me...'

'So you're not the only one who does all the pleasuring...'

'Sometimes not, no...'

'Did a guy ever, you know... Made you pop...? Made you get the big O...?'

'Haha! Uhm... It's very uncommon but that... Has happened, yes...'

'Oh wow... Anything special happened or...?'

'During foreplay...'

'Uh-huh...'

'Well, you know...'

'Nooooo, I don't... Enlight me.'

'Haha! The only thing he wanted was to go down on me... And he actually did a damn good job...'

'Hehehe... Seriously? That's all he wanted...?'

'Hm-mm... Every guy has different needs... I simply deliver...'

'Oh wow... So... Was there ever a guy who wanted you to do something specific...?'

'There was this guy once... All he did was playing with my feet and well... Wanted me to give him a foot-job and stuff...'

'Hehehe...'

'Then there was this guy once who asked for a threesome... Now that was something new...'

'A threesome?? Like what, with two guys or...'

'Noooooo...'

'... With a woman??'

'Hm-mm...'

'His wife or...?'

'No, with one of my colleagues... He got to watch while me and my co-worker got a little playful with each other... '

'Wow so... You actually had sex with her...? Like, all the way...?'

'Yes...'

'How'd that turn out for you...? I mean... Did you like it...?'

'I've never been with a woman personally, it was all "work-related", if you know what I mean... But yeah, it was interesting... And like you said, it's not really that different...'

'Is it a side of you that you'd like to explore more for yourself or...?'

'It's only been work-related so far and the only reason I did is because of the money... It simply pays more... But I can't say if I'd like to do so personally...'

'Wow...'

'Surprised?'

'I never thought that you'd, well... I mean, with women...'

'Hehehe...'

'How often did that happen...?'

'Several times... I don't look at women the way you do and I know I'm doing a terrible job at pleasing one but it's still a lot of fun...'

'You can't be that terrible...'

'Hehehe... Who knows...'

'Was there ever a female client...?'

'No, I've never seen a female client coming in...'

'But if there was... Would she be denied...?'

Meagan looked up and faced me when I asked her that... I wasn't realizing that I was hinting at myself... And Meagan already figured that out the moment I asked... She looked at me for a moment while she had a bit of a cheeky smile on her face...

'I suppose if there ever was a woman coming in as a client, she would not be rejected if there was someone who's willing to take care of her, no...'

'And uhm... Would you be willing...?'

'Depends if there's a click or not...'

'And if there is...?'

'If there is, I'd make it worth your while...'

'I-I see...'

'But you've already told me that you're usually flat-broke so I suppose that opportunity is lost...'

"Holy fuck, she knows... Whoohoo, way to go, Captain Subtlety..." Meagan laughed when she saw my dumbstruck face and she gave me a little wink... I stayed calm on the outside but on the inside, I was face-palming myself over and over again... Luckily, Meagan took it well...

'You're not that desperate for pussy but you're willing to pay for it, Ceylan?'

'W-Well, I, uhm... It's not... I-I mean...'

'It's okay, you can just tell.'

'I-I find you a very attractive woman and sometimes...'

'Yes...?'

'Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we happen to spend a night together...'

Meagan wasn't freaking out the moment I told her that. I guess she got used to hearing that. She tried to keep her private life and work separated, with everything she told me about why she didn't have a love life of her own and here I was, fucking it up by my insinuation... But Meagan wasn't exactly shocked to hear that I find her attractive... Like she already knew... She passed it off as a joke at first but once she saw how embarrassed I was, she knew it got a little too serious... Meagan had a weak smile on her face and placed her hand on mine...

'Ceylan... There's nothing wrong for just wanting sex with someone...'

'Even if it's you...?'

'No... Some of my clients are married men and yet they visit me... Why would they do that if they a wife waiting for them at home...?'

'Heh...'

'It's because they want someone who fits in their fantasies... Someone to long for, if only for a short time... It's in our nature to feel like that about someone...'

'Yeah...'

'I find it very sweet of you to say that I'm attractive to you but you know I can't... You don't want me to get involved in your personal life, Ceylan... Even when its just sex...'

'... If it was your choice, would you?'

'I'm just not sure how I would feel about it...'

'I see...'

'Do you honestly believe I can...?'

'It's not about fulfilling desires and needs or giving in to fantasies...'

'Then what's it about...?'

'It's about how someone can make you feel... To make someone feel the same things as they make you feel...'

'Hm...'

'To let someone know how much they to mean you... Either as lovers or friends...'

'You mentioned that... Sex with friends...'

'Only with the ones I'm very close with... I know it's weird and a lot of people don't understand... Hell, even I don't understand why... But it's just a need I have to show how much someone means to me... But not everyone thinks about it the way I do...'

'I see...'

'The only ones who didn't flip out were my two friends when I told them...'

'Hehe...'

'And you...'

'It's okay...'

'But uhm... I just want you to know that I'll be there for you either way... And I won't think any different of you whether you want to or not... I just hope you won't think any different of me as well...'

'Of course not...'

Nevertheless, that didn't make me feel less embarrassed. In fact, I was still face-palming myself on the inside. Meagan looked at me and smiled when she saw me like that... She placed an arm around my shoulder and leaned against me, giving me a reassuring cuddle that everything was okay... I just kept looking at her for a moment, feeling a little uneasy after everything that was said just then...

'It's okay, hugs are free of charge.'

'Hehe... You're mocking your own job...?'

'Hey, if I don't take the piss out of it myself, someone else will... Seeing as no one else besides you knows, it might as well be me... Doesn't mean I can't have a laugh about it... Keeping things on the light side is what keeps me going...'

'Hm... I suppose that's true...'

'Hehehe...'

I placed my arm around Meagan and we were holding each other close as we stared at the night sky together as it stayed silent for a moment... And it was weird yet somehow very satisfying... I closed my eyes for a moment and felt myself drifting off until Meagan broke the silence...

'Our evening of spending time together didn't really go as planned, did it?'

'That's quite alright...'

'I mean, I'm not always this melodramatic. I'm trying to be a lot more fun to be around with.'

'Hehehe...'

'The thing is, with everything that's been going on, I don't really know how to have fun anymore.'

'Then it's a good thing for us that I know how to have fun...'

'I bet you do...'

'Outside of the bedroom!'

'Hihi... So what do you have in mind?'

'Do you like working out...?'

'At the gym?'

'Yeah?'

'I've never been in a gym.'

'I stopped working out last year but I plan on going back three times a week. I'm getting a little pudgy...'

'Three times a week?'

'Hm-mm... Every Friday, you can bring a friend for free. I can take you with me some time if you'd like to come along.'

'Sure, I'd like that...'

'I'll let you know when I'll go.'

'Great! Oh! By the way, uhm... There's a yoga class next Saturday inCheylehampton Park.'

'Yoga class??'

'Hm-mm... '

'I've never done it before...'

'Neither did I. I got an email with upcoming events and I feel like giving that a try.'

'Do you need to sign up?'

'Yeah, but it's free. It starts at nine.'

'Nine??'

'Yes?'

'As in, nine AM...?'

'... Yes.'

'... Okay, sure, let's do it.'

'And perhaps Nikki would like to come along as well.'

'Yeah, I suppose she could use a little distraction and have fun...'

'Unless you don't want to, I mean...'

'No, it's okay. We'll see how it goes.'

'Great! So that settles it.'

'I usually don't function very well at nine AM though...'

'Hehehe...'

'Hm...'

'You know, Ceylan...'

'What...?'

'This is nice...'

'Hugging each other?'

'I meant sitting here, but hugs are nice too.'

'Is is, yeah... If I were a guy, I'd be having one hell of an awkward boner right now.'

'Haha!'

The idea was that Meagan and I would go for a drink that night, hang out for an hour or two and then go our separate ways again... Instead, we stayed there at the beach for hours, just talking... It seems strange how things can turn out the way they did... Meagan lived a very difficult life, one that she didn't chose for... With the way she percept the world around her and the things that happened to her, I can understand why she used to be so bitter and cynical about everyone and everything... Meagan and I became closer ever since the night she found me in the living-room with my diary but there always was a barrier between us... That night, she told me everything... Everything she wanted to get off of her chest... Things that she bottled up for so many years came pouring over her... It was so moving to have seen her cry and hearing what she wanted to say... I can't say what it did to me... And even though it wasn't easy for her to talk about it, I'm glad she did... Because it drew us closer together... It made me forget why I hated her in the first place... And Meagan was right... We can't always change the things that we've been given... One way or another, you just gotta make the best of it... And perhaps one day, she'll be able to enjoy life the way it's supposed to be...