What's not to like in a dawn?
--This story contains strong suggestions of sexual acts between male anthros. Read at your own risk. Thank you-- --This is my first effort at writing such a story. Thank you-- Tuesday, February 14, 2006
- * * 'People don't like me...' I stopped typing. Looked at the cigarette slowly burning itself in the ashtray, the smoke finding it's way into my nostrils -always does- irritating me slightly; I enjoyed it. I took another sip. The booze burned my throat; that's how it should be. Picking up the cigarette, gently, between my fingers, and taking my nicotine fix I closed my eyes as I laid back. It's hurting me, I can feel it day by day, as I wake up in the morning and I cough my guts out, always that heavy smell of smoke and alcohol in my house, that knot always there in my throat. And I know it's not just the bad habits, but the past as well marking me in a way I would have never foreseen. It's an addiction, hell yeah, and it's killing me. Oh really? Heh, if every smoke takes five minutes away from my life there may still be chance after all... It's an addiction, hell yeah, and all addictions can kill you... But not as much as love can, can it? People keep saying I am young, far too young to know what that means. I nod. They don't know that there is no fucking way to control this, is there? Hell, if there was a way, I would have chosen another path. Crossroads and decisions, where do we stand? Which shall our choice be? There, I started talking about bullshit again. I opened my eyes again and put out the cigarette, the ashtray ready to spit out all the ash and butts, but I would not bother to empty it. And that smoke is followed by another one, straight from the packet which is almost empty now. Now what's more depressing? A full ashtray? Or maybe an empty packet? I don't consider this as correct time to debate over this. Trying to light the smoke I realize that the lighter will refuse to do its intended job. Even that has failed me. I have to buy a new one. Right, 5 a.m. and I decide that the best course of action is to throw the lighter away in anger. Wait, there may yet be chance, the cigarette I just put out, is still warm enough to pass the flame of my killer into the next link. I pick the almost burnt out butt and try to light the brand new smoke, but I fail miserably, drunk as I am, burning my index finger instead. I wince in pain and curse. Myself? That's it, no more smoking tonight, due to obstacles I cannot overpass, no more whiskey, the bottle refuses to spill out even one more drop. So I sit back, miserable. Deprived of all that could offer me that short pleasure I needed before I would finally crawl back to bed, not because I am tired. I am exhausted. That insomnia hitting in once more. What's not to like? And as I lay on the bed, throat burning, fingers aching to hold another cigarette, I think. I think of a movie. Closing my eyes for a moment. It's a damn good movie. The sun is rising. I can feel it. There is that slight indication making its way through the window. It's dawn. -"What's not to like in a dawn?" involuntarily I spit out. And I mean it, fuck yeah. I smile, as I close my eyes once more. That movie is a damn good one... -- I don't know how it all started. I don't know if I just woke up in a morning and said to myself, fuck yeah, I want to differ. I cannot even judge if it's psychologically or genetically caused. Yes I am gay, and I have never bothered to explain how, why or when. I just know it first came upon me when I was fourteen years old. What a surprise, I was a normal boy, raised in a normal and happy by all means family; I loved my family and I know they love me. They raised me to be the man I am, and if nothing else, they did something good with my life. I still remember that dusk. There was a heavy smell of jasmine in the air, the flowers of our garden treating my senses with that unique odor. I still remember looking at myself in the mirror. A striking-white-furred lion, my velvet fur and my quite developed -for my age- mane flowing over my head, and over my facial characteristics and my green clever eyes. Those eyes... Damn those eyes... Sparkling, ful of life, with that love and adventure lust you can only find in crazy or very young people anymore... Damnit I was handsome back then... maybe I still am. Perhaps a tad feminine, but still, damn pretty. I lifted my fingers and run them through my facial fur. Velvet. White velvet. My cheekbones defining my face in a way I always loved. Even under the dull light of the lamp, my fur was still shining, deflecting the light. During the day I was the son of the sun. Caressing me softly, the sun shines treated my looks well. I still remember taking that oath. I would never settle for anything less than what I deserved. I would not sell my love to anyone, I would not follow the taboos. I would love whoever I wanted to because I felt like it. And I knew by then that I would love no girl... I didn't know whether and how the rest would accept that - and I still don't know that - , so that's mainly the reason they never found out about it. Save for a few of them, back then. Just like my best friend, Erin, that sweet female kitten to which we were neighbors. I was just a year older and we were attending the same school. I told her. Her reaction was simple. She thought I was kidding, or that it was 'Just a phase in my life that would pass away, like all the foolishnesses of young people...' . A year later she was forced to accept that that was who I was, and that that's who I still am. "Just a phase in my life that would pass away, like all the foolishnesses of young people..." The thought of that phrase still makes me feel...cheap... I don't blame Erin... How could I? After all I was the damn pervert, not her. And with so many wannabes out there, no wonder she thought that in the very start... Being gay in school and especially at mine, was not easy. Why? Well think, what ya got that grey matter for? Teenagers, just making their first steps in their sexual life, that aroma of teen lust in the air, the drama, the intrigue and the such - I always hated that... - , in a school. Girls and boys, boys and girls. I was not interested in that. In any of that. I would find it stupid. Detest it. A normal reaction translated in a form as cheap as to pass on our genes to the next generations. But maybe... that was just me. I would of course like to look at the boys. The locker room was the all time favorite. Fantasizing that my mate would come in there and find me. Ye right. Stupidity at its finest. -- I shook my head slightly, dizzy still. My parched throat aching for another drink, my body needed the nicotine. I stood like that for some time, my eyes scanning the room. I stood up and moved to the bathroom, where the cold water eased my pain as it washed slightly away the tiredness from my face. Looked myself in the mirror again. Thinner, my mane, white falling on my shoulders anymore, my face still had something like a flash from a distant past. My cheekbones even more evident, a strong jaw, and those eyes... Damnit, those were not my fucking eyes! They were faint... Tired, empty...dead. I roll my eyes to the ground and I start weeping. Crying. I have not cried for God knows how many years now, and the tears gush out, my body shaking violently, as words try to form on my lips, but no voice to come out. Weeping. Crying. I roll on my knees, protecting myself from any elements of the world. It's just me and I can't stop this. I do my best, I bite my lips, but I cannot stop. Waves of pain, real pain, pain I had never felt before, pain physical and overwhelming, come now to the surface, bashing harshly against my lungs, as I almost struggle to take a breath. There is something I need to say, I open my muzzle and I force the words out one by one. -"I...am...so...fucking...sorry..." And I burst in tears again, shocks and images parading before my tired eyes. I do not know how long it has been since that outburst. I get a hold of myself and allow my body to fall heavily on the bed once more. I feel...better... Up to this point there was physical pain. I don't hurt now. I don't really need to drink or smoke. It's all a lot clearer. The daylight is almost evident outside anymore and a tired smile is formed on my face. As I lay there, I speak out once more. -"What's not to like in a dawn?" -- I still remember him. And how could I forget him? I still remember the day we met. He was just transferred to our school. He looked so cute and alone standing far away from anyone else. A pretty fox boy, with his nicely trimmed head fur. A red fox, with a snout to admire, and an athletic body, pretty much like mine, perhaps an inch or two taller. But what did strike me the most where his eyes. Those brown wonderful eyes I could lose myself in. I had to talk to him. And so I did. I walked closer. He lifted his eyes and smiled softly, greeting me in a way. I extended my paw to meet his. -"Hi there, I'm Sebastian" -"Cody" his voice was soft, just like it should be. His paw reached mine and I felt a warm feeling as I touched him. -"Welcome Cody" He smiled, God I remember that smile. -"I now feel welcome, thanks." We were both more or less alone, so we did stick together pretty easily and fast. Time went by as we both got to our last year in school. Long term plans? University? Hell no, as long as we were together I cared for nothing else than him... And to be honest all the other times I was simply thinking about him. And I made my move. Clumsy perhaps, but hey, that's me, what did you expect, a romantic sunset when we would look deep into each other's eyes and that it would just come upon us that we were made for each other and kiss? No, I am not that kind of guy... I knew I wanted that from the moment I met him. And so I told him, simply. I told him I was gay. And that he was all I ever wanted. And I meant it. And his reaction was simple. He blushed and pretty much froze. I remember moving my paw to touch his face and turn him to face me once more. I remember asking him if he would allow me. A nod was all I needed. And we kissed. That kiss... Killing me each and every moment I think of it. And that was the start. For about a whole year we were together. We had our good times and bad times, and it was love, I fucking know it was. I could feel it, and he could feel it. We made dreams, as all best friends do. The world would never be enough for us. We shared the same passion for creation, for expression. We both decided we would be actors, always together, a spotlight on us, dealing our hearts to a crowd not afraid to hear the truth. The trust. The love. -- I spin around in my bed, dragging the sheets with me, in my very own downfall. I dream of his again, and this time its real. So strong. Killing me. I look at the window. -"What's not to like in a dawn?" -- And it was the all classic excursion to the capital all the senior students would attend. Me and Cody were in the same room, we wanted it of course, a room all of our own. The first night I will never forget... That night we sealed out love in a wave of passion, breaching a barrier, coming to the surface, hitting both of us with an unforeseen momentum. Feelings held back for a whole year, and our bodies giving in to the lust... I still remember his warm body on top of me, his strong arms holding me, his warm embrace tugging me close to him, closer and closer, as much as I would have ever wanted. My first time, his too. Unique, strong. His vulpine knot deep inside me and a warm feeling in my heart as we rest there for the whole night tied. One form, defying what our uniqueness was. One being. And that dawn, we both go out, his hand holding mine tightly, as we run in the streets, far away from the hotel, far away from what would even remind us what the reality back in the school would be, what we wanted to avoid, both of us. And that bridge. That bridge, standing there, signifying something for us, and only for us. As we stand there, holding each other... Watching the sun slowly emerge in the horizon, the water of the river sparkling, filling our forms in a colorful bliss. And Cody whispering softly in my ear... -"What's not to like in a dawn?" -- And it hits me once more. And I feel it. As I lay on my bed, my eyes locked at the window, at the black of the night blending slowly with the colors of the day. -"What's not to like in a dawn?" -- I still remember that day. I still remember the day I received a call from Erin. Cody was dead. Car accident. I remember I simply nodded and strode back to my desk. And I started drawing. I still have that drawing. I don't know what it is, but every time I see it, there is a knot rising up my throat. I went to the funeral. Simple. I looked in the coffin. Equally simple. I didn't shed not one tear. I made it to the university with extreme ease. And I moved to the capital. It was not what I wanted to do, what both me and Cody dreamed, I know, but I had nothing more to do at that point... I could not do that without him, no way. I was different by then. Aching to grasp the attention of other people. Aching to make my point. A bastard more or less. A spoiled boy wanting it always his way, finding it hard to make real life out of dreams and thoughts. Offending people when I did not have to. Playing it always to my liking. And thus I ended up alone again, almost as if I was aiming for it... In the first year at the university I could feel the pain growing inside me, day by day. On the second year it turned physical. My body was aching. Alcohol helped, for a while, and so did smoking. The nicotine was a rare treat to my pain, for a reason I still cannot quite explain. But it was not enough. Cocaine was what kept me going at some point, I think, and I am not proud of it... I am proud that I did not become addicted to that as well... And it was pretty close I know... No addiction is good. Nor is love good...or is it? But that's not what keeps crushing me, days and nights now... The night before he died, we had an argument... We both parted each other angry. I can't even recall what it was we did fight over. What I recall, though, is that I never saw him to even tell him I was sorry about that... We parted for an eternity and I never told him I was sorry... for something I can't even recall... And since that day I know it's not selfish... It was a loose end though... A loose end with the person I could never imagine my life without... -- And here I am. Depending on whiskey and cigarettes to get through another day. And it's my fault, all mine. This dawn reminds me of that one almost four years ago now... I don't hurt anymore. I don't need to smoke or drink. The pain was washed away by the tears. I put on my long coat and step out. It is cold. Pretty much snowing. The snowflakes falling down on me, embracing me. It's early in the morning, almost no soul around, and I feel free. Tonight I told Cody I was sorry... I know that for a strange reason he heard me. I look up to the clouds. The snowflakes stabbing my velvet fur. I smile. And here I am standing on a bridge. On that same bridge we were four years ago. Watching the dawn. Just like back then. The sun appearing in the horizon, lightening up my face, warming me for a few moments before finding shelter behind the clouds once more. A few seconds, where I see Cody in the horizon... And he is smiling at me... And I smile back -"It's been a while..." I stutter...my voice trembling, but still clear, oblivious of any people, even at that hour that could listen to me. -"It's been a while..." A single tear runs down my left cheek, down to my chin and lingers there, for a few moments before being dragged away by the short gusts of the wind, that soft touch of those early hours in the morning... -" I have missed you... Night and night over I dreamt of you... Haunting me..." There is an evident smile on his face, as he approaches me. The essence of the wind taking shape, the colors, a manifest, as he walks closer, his ethereal form something I can now grasp and hold tightly. And he casually walks by me, rolling his eyes to meet mine as we stand there, side by side, on that bridge... looking towards the horizon. -"You know...I thought it over... This can't keep up, can it? This was not meant for me... was it?" I tilt my head smiling at him, as he slowly disappears. -"I think I know what I ought to do..." -- And there we are. Each and every night, dancing together in the twilight of time, the whole world a spotlight on us. And here we are. Each and every night, holding and kissing in the twilight of time, my whole world a spotlight on us. And here I am. Each and every night, sheding tears that seem to take his form, my whole world a spotlight on me. I feel no fear, no pain. I feel free. You are here... * * *