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I dreamt of working with Eli in the field. Eli would give me a command, and I would follow it to a "T". With each successful command, I was rewarded with a little bit of meat. Eli laughed and blew the whistle. I flew over to the perch and turned to come back. Eli pointed to the ground, and I swooped and grabbed the lure. I looked up to see my next command.

"Who needs that life when you can be here with me?" he laughed. "You don't need to go anywhere else now."

I felt stuck to the ground, but as soon as Eli pointed to the perch, I was able to move. Once on the perch, my legs were stuck again. I struggled as the hawk's screech filled my head, as if it was blaming me for getting stuck. I tried to drown it out, but it grew louder before becoming silent.

A loud clanging jarred me awake. My vision was foggy as I looked around for the source. Still sitting on the couch, I roughly brought myself to my feet, standing on the soft cushion. Sunlight was just starting to peek through the windows, but most of the light in the room was from the kitchen. Eli was placing a pan in a small toaster oven, he seemed to be moving quickly, and he haphazardly turned the knob on the oven. He promptly walked to his bedroom door but noticed me watching him.

"Mornin' Lyall! Sorry if I woke ya up," Eli said happily before disappearing into the room.

Still feeling groggy, I laid my body against the cushion. I was happy I could enjoy sleeping in, but I also missed waking up at sunrise every morning. Nothing was quite like the views I had from my perch. Maybe living like this wasn't a terrible trade-off. I knew I would be dry every morning in here.

I fell in and out of sleep before being abruptly awakened by a loud, rapid beeping. I flicked my head up to see smoke leaking from the front of the toaster oven. The white puck on the ceiling was flashing as its siren wailed. A loud crash was soon followed by Eli running out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. His pants were falling, causing him to hold them up with his left hand. His right hand was quickly moving about the toaster oven. I couldn't see well in the low light, but I could see the smoke increase before Eli pulled the pan from the toaster and dumped it in the sink. In his quick movement, I could see his look of surprise. He leaned over the sink and let out a deep sigh. The light over the sink showed him scratching at his brown and black striped button-up shirt, his left hand still holding his jeans up. He quickly buttoned his pants but didn't attempt to adjust his rough shirt, the bottom not fully covering his back. He leaned back out of the light, giving me only a silhouette of his body.

"Well, looks like I'm not having strudel for breakfast, eh?" Eli half laughed.

I could see his silhouette turn to face me, and I heard rattling as he scrubbed the inside of the toaster. He flicked the light on to get a better look, and I could now clearly see his frazzled face. The bare-chested man angrily wiped away the leftover residue of the burnt pastry, but something about him seemed off. Slowly, the room was lit with more sunlight. I wanted to rest my head and sleep more, but something about Eli looked wrong. He looked up and gave me a half smile. I turned my head, trying to get a better look. Eli grabbed the now blackened rag and turned to toss it in the sink, giving me another look at his back. Something about his shirt wasn't sitting right with me.

What I thought was a shirt still covered his back, and it wasn't until I saw the surface lift and lay down again that I knew what it was. I couldn't help but stare at the man. I was in disbelief and couldn't fully convince myself of what I was seeing. Eli turned to face me again, giving me another view of his bare chest. Picking up the oven, he turned around and bent to the ground. Brown with black stripes or spots covered his back almost to his butt. Eli wasn't wearing any shirt like I had thought.

My stomach churned, and I couldn't help but think of our conversation last night. He wasn't releasing Romeo and handing off Willow for no reason. The questions he asked me, the feather on the ground. I felt dizzy thinking about it and wanted to throw up.

How would I live with him if he...

"Oh. Lyall, I..." He started to say before seeing my beak agape. He looked down at his uncovered chest before whispering, "shit. I wanted to tell you, but not like this." Eli walked past me and sat on the other side of the small couch. As he walked past, I got a slight glimpse of his back. "It's, unfortunately, exactly what it looks like. They started a few weeks ago and haven't exactly slowed down." Eli turned his chest away to give me a partial view of the feathers on his back. "Maybe a month or two, possibly three with the rate they are growing. At least that's what I was told." Eli sighed and rolled his shoulders back, causing the feathers to move.

I stared in disbelief at the man's back. I couldn't move my eyes off the brown and black feathers as they slowly lifted away, making his back look thicker. I kept thinking of my plans to live with Eli. I finally found the solution I was happy with, but it was never an option. Eli was in the same boat I was trying to escape. Eli was a hybrid of some bird and changing fast at that.

"I don't get it, though," Eli said, defeated. "I spent my whole adult life working with birds and trying to prepare them for life after injury," Eli closed his eyes and started to cry, "but here I am now. I don't know if this is a blessing for doing what I thought was right or a curse for getting in the way of nature." He brought his hand up to wipe his face. "I was supposed to care for Willow until she passed. I took on that promise when she was found with West Nile. I was supposed to be her protector." Eli let his head fall into his hands.

Watching Eli cry, I was shocked to see more small feathers appearing up the back of his neck. They pressed from his skin before coming to rest flat against his body. I remembered being in a similar position. Emotions cause the changes to creep up when you are your most vulnerable. I knew that feeling all too well. I wanted to comfort him, but I couldn't think of any way that wouldn't make the situation worse.

I tried to think positively, but if my mind wasn't thinking about his changes, it was thinking about what they meant to me. I felt like I was being self-centered, Eli was struggling with admitting to his changes; all the while, I couldn't help but think of myself. I wasn't going to live my life as a falconry bird. I wouldn't live the happy, simple life I dreamt of with Eli. I was still in the same place I had always been. It was like a kick in the gut, but I couldn't put any blame on Eli. He probably didn't know I was even thinking of living here, let alone him taking care of me indefinitely.

I felt the wave of cold wash over me. It had become a recurring feeling at this point. The hawk wanted to grab control, and I knew I should stop it, but I didn't feel like stopping it. It might be better this way if the hawk was in control. I didn't have anything to hold on to anyway. My vision began to tunnel as I gave no resistance. The cool wave changed to a dull feeling of my feathers. My vision moved without me, like watching a screen through a dirty, blurry lens. I wasn't gone, but I wasn't driving either. I was watching the hawk's eyes.

I could feel an influence over the hawk. I could feel its thoughts and its wants. The tables were turned, and now I could feel my thoughts influencing the hawk's. As I started to get a feel for it, I felt the hawk begin to act on its own and panicked, pulling myself forward. The resistance felt like I was pushing against a river. I edged closer to control, but the hawk fought for its place. Just when I thought it was over, I pushed through. Warmth flowed over me, and I was in control once more. I breathed heavily. My fears only worsened by the fight I had just given. Although I gave up control almost willingly, it had a different feel. It was familiar but still worrying.

Eli didn't try to hide his feathers after this. He went about the rest of the morning without his shirt, letting the feathers see the light of day. Although initially he was slightly uncomfortable, he wasn't itching his back nearly as much. It's not like I or the other birds cared about his clothing anyway. To us, his feathers were more like our own coverings. Seeing him itch at the feathers made me wish he could at least preen himself instead of struggling to reach his hand around.

We never made it outside that day. I think it was a little too emotional for either of us to be out there safely. I could only imagine what would happen if Eli had an episode alone for the first time. I could not pull him back, and his changes were already moving quickly. Whatever he was becoming, I don't know if he could fight it alone. I don't know if I could stand to watch him struggle.

Eli put me to bed in the bird room, in the cage beside Romeo's. Eli was quiet, leaving an odd silence only interrupted by the occasional sound from Willow or Romeo. After I stepped off Eli's hand and into the cage, he said a soft "good night" and walked towards the door. The feathers on his back lifted, and he hesitated slightly before turning the light off. The darkness of the room and silence was only occasionally broken by the sounds of rustling feathers.

The next day, Eli woke me up with a little more cheery attitude. I had slept in my cage with my side leaning against Romeo's cage, and while it was fine, it didn't beat sleeping on the couch. Eli seemed eager to get me outside. This day started much earlier than previous ones. He wasted no time putting my leg ties on and taking me out to the yard. The perch was standing, but no tether was to be seen. I looked around, wondering what we would do today. More lures? General flying?

The shirtless hybrid held me away from his body, "I think it's time we give hunting a try. Real hunting this time, you think?" Eli asked.

I nodded, knowing this was a big step. This was more of a leap closer to my possible release, something I was pretty unsure about now, but I continued to nod, not wanting to show my feelings about the last day.

"Great! I know you have hunted before, but this time, we are going to do this a little differently. When the whistle blows, I want you to release whatever you have. I can't do this with other birds, but maybe we can save a few critters in all of this." Elis laughed. "We are going to try for a rabbit. It shouldn't be bad, and we mostly checkin' how you can handle it. I don't think your mom knows what living through winter shows for you."

While I did hunt, I had my issues. Maybe that is normal, but maybe I was just rough at hunting still.

"We are going to walk the edge of the woods. If we see a rabbit, I want you to go for it, alright?" Eli asked, nodding his head.

I nodded along, and we began our walk. Eli was careful to stay quiet and stepped lightly on the fallen leaves. My head darted around, watching for any movement. I was pretty confused as to why this was taking so long. Typically, I had seen rabbits often on the ground. Perhaps my new lower perspective made it more challenging than from the treetops. As I relaxed, a quick object darted from the wood's edge. It was a rabbit. Its fast speed sent it out into the field.

I leaped from Eli's hand and flew a little higher. The hawk's mind gave me nudges about what I should do. It was a different feeling from before. When I was alone, it was more like we were together, and now we felt separated again. I couldn't tell why it seemed so different, but the thought stuck in the back of my mind.

Once the rabbit stopped, I turned to make my move. I locked my eyes on the rabbit, and right before I hit it, I lifted my talons to grab it. I stopped suddenly and rolled onto my belly, the rabbit trapped in my claws as I brought myself upright. I looked down at my quarry and heard the whistle blow in the distance.

Do it.

Take it.

Bite it!

The thoughts flooded, and I tried to resist it, but it was all going according to plan, or so I thought. My head came down, and the rabbit's scruff was held tightly in my beak. I squeezed hard and felt it grab sharply. I pulled my head up and felt the give, but my grip never loosened. The rabbit quit moving, and the wet warmth in my beak set me alight. I did it. It had been so long, but finally, feeding myself again felt so good. I dropped the fur and reached for another piece of flesh.

"Lyall! The whistle! You're supposed to let it go!" Eli shouted, concerned.

I came to my senses and let go of the rabbit. It lay motionless on the grass, and I looked back to Eli. I felt like a child who broke their father's rule; the evidence was in front of me, but I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Eli sighed before picking up the dead rabbit. He placed it in one of the pouches and reached his hand down for me. I climbed on, and Eli smiled while shaking his head. "I guess we are having rabbit tonight."

I shook my head, but my stomach ached lightly. Off in the near distance, I saw something else move. The hawk's instincts took over, and after the intense satisfaction of the rabbit, I wanted to chase that feeling again. I felt myself falling back, the hawk retaking control. I watched as the hawk leaped from Eli's hand and flew directly toward the creature. It was smaller than the rabbit, dark but covered in white specks. It was a bird of some kind, and I was heading right for it. It didn't seem to notice me, but I felt my talons prepare to grab. Eli shouted in the distance, blowing his whistle hard.

My talons made contact and closed around the tiny bird. It whined while I regained my balance. One foot was wrapped around its lower body, and the other was firmly planted on the ground. I reached my beak towards it, but the prey bird's beak pecked at my head. I pulled back and squeezed my talon, trying to coax it into stopping. During all of this, things seemed to happen on their own. Thoughts were a blur, and I did as the hawk wanted. I never gave much thought to my actions. The bird laid its head back in defeat, panting from the struggle to break free, and I reached down again, not wanting to miss my chance. My beak drew closer to the bird's head.

But something caught my eye. The dark, iridescent feathers of the bird were not nearly as shiny as the light glaring from its leg. I continued to bring my beak down but turned it to get a better look. On its leg was a black and gold band. At some point, this bird had been caught and banded like many others in the area. I reached closer and placed my beak against its body, ready to bite into the bird. I didn't think much until I saw a matching black and gold band inches away on my leg—the unique band I was given for being a former human. The same is true for Benji, Darren, and Damien. This small black bird was not just a black bird. It had been a human, too.

Its head turned to look as if it wondered why I hesitated to take my quarry. I fought the hawk for control, and the river felt like an ocean pushing against me. I felt like I was fighting an unending battle in those short moments. I didn't know if I could live with myself if I failed. I pushed until I felt the warmth wash over me, and once I felt the control again. This time, it didn't feel as much like I pushed past the hawk, its thoughts still lingering in the back of my mind. I opened my talon, and the bird was free. It quickly scurried to its feet, stumbled, and took flight. It was mostly unharmed and should survive, if not a little shaken up.

Eli came running up and saw the bird fly away. "Oh! A Starling! I can't believe you managed to snag one of those! You could have taken it, though. They are invasive." Eli said, trying to catch his breath.

I didn't move. If yesterday wasn't bad enough, today was only worse yet. I almost killed another person. I was fully ready to do it. What if I was never banded? Would I have killed that poor ex-human? Have I killed people before?

Eli congratulated me on grabbing the bird, but I couldn't hear him. My mind was still racing, and I felt sick. I was dizzy and stumbled in place. Eli kneeled down next to me and asked a question. I couldn't make out what he said, but I felt a different cold this time. I felt my side hit the ground, and I was out.

I could hear Eli's voice pleading in the dark.

"Lyall... Wake up... Remember... You are human.. Come back..."