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I was a classic example of a young 23 year-old adult just discovering the furry fandom because I'd spent too much time on the internet >.> I believe the common phrase is "young, dumb, and full of…hormones"

I was...pretty open about my sexuality at the time, to say the least. Didn't really have committed relationships because I lived with my parents for a time after I graduated, so that just wasn't an option. Never mind the fact that we lived on the fringe of civilization so meeting up with furs was a 30-minute drive, if I was lucky. Met a couple furs that lived closer to me, but one was really big into psychedelics and other hard drugs, and my wallet mysteriously went missing and money withdrawn from my bank account after I spent the night at his place, so...we never hung out after that >.>

He claimed he asked his friends and they said nobody saw a wallet turn up in his room, but I distinctly remember placing it on the windowsill next to his bed with all my other belongings before we went to bed, which meant I would've picked it up with my car keys and such when I left >.>

Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

I eventually was able to move out and found an apartment with a fur that I was romantically interested in; that turned out to be its own clusterfuck. But the guy I hooked up with was, like...really open, lots of sleeping around, having friends over, and the relationship itself ended very abruptly when he packed up what he could in his car one day and just left. Like, no prior discussion or agreement, just started packing up, told us he was moving [back home], and that was that. Which blindsided me because we'd never had any fights that I can remember. He was pretty chill.

But, prior to him leaving is where the actual story begins.

One of the guys he knew lived out in the boonies, sort've a country guy that just wanted to party. Which involved drinking heavily all the time and having a lot of sex. Like, the entire time I was at Further Confusion '07, which was the first furry con I'd ever been to, he had a bottle of something with him at all times.

So, alcoholic plus likes to get in bed a lot. Already seeing warning signs in hindsight, but young, naïve me didn't.

Fast forward several months. One day when I was at work (retail computer/electronics store), I walked up to a customer to strike up conversation, completely oblivious, and when he turned, I was like "HOLY SHIT. I didn't know you were in town," cuz he laughed that I didn't recognize him right away. Was apparently visiting his partner and just dropped by the store to wait for my roommate to get off shift. So, we (and by “we" I mean my partner at the time) invited him over to hang out that night and have drinks with a coworker and the roommates.

Over the course of drinks somehow the conversation took a very unsettling turn and the guy started talking about his upbringing, and the stories he told were fucking dark. Like, about how he'd been locked in a crate in the laundry room as a kid and left there if he misbehaved, or locked in his room, etc. And looking back now I'm thinking, "Okay, whether these are true stories or not this is a very broken person."

He was heavily into bondage with his partner and openly shared the fact. Even learned leatherworking so he could make his own gear and equipment. And during all this he had his tools with him, so he was making things like leashes, even made a collar for me because I had a collar that I liked to wear, because I was a young, dumb furry and didn't really understand the implication of wearing a leather collar.

After we were a few drinks in, my coworker was visibly uncomfortable while this guy was sharing his childhood. Like, he looked seriously traumatized and had to excuse himself from the room eventually. EVENTUALLY, it settled down into more pleasant conversation somehow, then the guy came out with the fact that he and his partner had a huge fight, so the reason he was out and about was because he needed to unwind and let off some tension.

He made it clear that he wanted to do that with someone else involved >.>

Allegedly, he was in a submissive role with his partner, but clearly he wanted to vent, so nobody really took him up on it initially. I had work the next day, coworker needed to head home in the morning (thank god, I felt so bad for him), so we all went to bed cuz it was ungodly late already. Now, keeping in mind we had a two-bedroom apartment with three of us living there, plus two additional guests that evening. So, one guest on the couch and one in bed with us, which naturally was the dude making everyone uncomfortable.

Next morning woke up at the usual time and he was still in his mood after my coworker went home. Even though we'd all declined his ask the night before, he attempted again, and was starting to get a bit more persuasive and, in hindsight, manipulative in his approach. “Coercion" would be the legal term.

Since I'd already been in the habit of wearing my collar for some time, and had small exposure to light bondage stuff here and there with another friend who was trying to get me comfortable with it, I eventually [hesitantly] took him up on it. My ex was partially to blame for that, I think, cuz he left the room after he guy started bringing up the subject of hooking up again, and wasn't interested in the slightest. So I was pretty much left 1:1 and me, being a very shy, passive, nonconfrontational person, was too nervous to say no but also curious enough to [again, hesitantly] consent. So we're already well into dubious-consent territory.

And holy shit, things went straight from uncomfortable to "Houston, we have a problem" alarmingly fast. And looking back, I now know all the red flags that SHOULD have alerted me to decline or stop…

Part of him working off some tension – because of the situation with his mate – was that he wanted to switch roles. While talking the previous night, I expressed that I was a submissive person, which he latched onto immediately.

Now that I'd agreed: in his own words, he wanted to show me what "being a sub really meant, because I didn't know." What it truly meant to completely entrust yourself in someone. So naturally, using his own experience to demonstrate to me: best idea. It didn't even occur to me at the time, that while he started putting locking bracers on that he'd already broken several core rules of BDSM. Our only previous interaction was at a furry convention where he was perpetually drunk, so I wasn't exactly keen on the idea of talking about sex and preferences. So, at that point he didn't even know what I did or didn't like. What my tolerances and thresholds were. Red flag. Didn't communicate in any way what he was planning. Bigger red flag. No safe word was mentioned or discussed at any point, or how I was going to communicate to him I wasn't comfortable with what he was doing.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT ROOM, FROSTY.

In addition to my usual collar, he added a choker. As in, an actual choker chain used for animal training, and LOCKED that to the wrist bracers. I'm already getting uncomfortable as fuck. Then ankle bracers, but he left those alone at first. And to cap it all off, a fun object of his own design: [EXTREME content warning] a suede leather sheath to slide over the groin, with a bag that hugged the sac and tied around the base to keep all that in place. The bag around the sac had a double-lining, which was filled with steel tacks. Relatively benign because the pocket holding the nails was thick suede, so they couldn't penetrate it, but keeps you VERY aware that it's a bag full of nails when squeezed.

So we're adding potential cock-and-ball torture to the list of things he's doing, to someone who's a novice [at best] at bondage. With absolutely zero discussion or forewarning. That's like, advanced "I've been doing this for years" shit.

So that was bad enough by itself, and I was already realizing I was in WAY over my head but too anxious and passive to say something. The way he kept talking... Easy to look in hindsight and say that he was a manipulative creep, and he clearly knew that he could manipulate me.

So yeah, plenty of mental games happened while all this was going down. Breaking me down, telling me that a “true sub" implicitly trusts their partner no matter what, which in his mind apparently meant free reign to do whatever, whenever, while adding a spreader bar into the mix, locked to my ankle bracers. So now I'm completely helpless, being torn down in a situation and lifestyle that I have had zero actual exposure to in person outside of, like, my previously-mentioned friend tugging on my collar when we hooked up.

Eventually he decided he wanted to try and get my partner in on it, and left me alone in the bedroom after what felt like an eternity of making me feel less than human, and at this point I'm like "What the fuck did I get myself into" and already wanting out. Like, out out.

He was gone for a few minutes, and during that time I decided the best way out was to extend my arms toward the wall, to deliberately pull the choker around my neck as tight as I could. I made a conscious, willful decision to attempt to strangulate myself with the equipment I was locked in. At the time, it was the better option than continuing. That's how awful I felt.

He came back in the room well before I could do much more than make my face red and give myself a chain mark, and naturally my first instinct when the door opened was to let the choker relax.

I don't really remember how long the whole thing went; we slept in since we'd stayed up late drinking. But it was easily two hours or more, because it was 1:30pm when I finally managed the fortitude to speak up and lied, saying that we needed to stop so I could get ready for work. I did work that day, but it wasn't until 4:00pm and I only lived like 10 minutes from work. It took some convincing to get him to agree to stop.

Even though I was expressing that I didn't want to continue, that I had other obligations, he didn't immediately stop. And to make matters worse, he refused to do so until I explicitly asked him to let me out of the equipment. Once I managed to get out of all that shit, lucky me, I had a rubbing mark from the choker since I tried to strangle myself, and my wrists and ankles had pressure marks as well. That meant it was long sleeved polo day.

I showered and cleaned up, then gathered my work stuff and left as quickly as I could without saying anything to anyone else, and while I was driving (and already on the way to his house), called my friend and asked if it was OK if I came over for a bit.

This was said friend that had been slowly introducing me to the idea of BDSM when we hooked up. Always told me that if I ever felt uncomfortable, to let him know immediately. Nothing formal, but little things here and there, like hooking his fingers under my collar, giving it a light tug now and then while we fooled around, holding my wrists together (with his hands) ...but he never addressed it directly, gave orders or instructions, just eased it in with what we were already doing.

It felt more natural. Because he knew the rules to bondage and was doing it correctly.

When I dropped by, I basically curled up next to him on the couch and cried for the better part of an hour while he held me.

He was furious. Like, visibly livid. Not at the fact that the time we'd been spending easing into things had been completely unworked and undone, but the fact that this guy had violated so many of the unspoken rules and had a complete disregard for his partner, never mind that he'd done it to a friend.

Once he'd calmed me down enough to keep my composure I had to go to work, which turned out to be a blessing because when I'm at work doing a job that requires careful attention to detail, it allows me to completely tune out. Plus, I was around coworkers that I felt safe around.

I blocked and cut off all contact with this person, made it clear with my roommates that he was not welcome back at our house (without giving a reason why), and that was that. Life went on, and for a while I even managed to repress this memory to the point that I'd forgotten it happened.

And after repressing that 23-year-old victim in my head for 11 years, all that buried away emotion and trauma tied to the incident came flooding back at once. I've been facing nervous breakdowns, anxiety, severe depression and traumatic episodes ever since that memory came back. On several occasions I've had alarmingly abrupt onsets of panic attacks resulting from triggers loosely connected to the event.

For example: I was watching Youtube with friends online and a single line of dialogue (“Please let me go") in the clip caused me to throw off my headset and break down sobbing until my partner could comfort me enough to keep my composure. On another occasion, after we came inside from smoking on the patio, my partner came around a corner in the dark living room, and when he reached out to take my arm I immediately reeled back and backed into the wall and screamed because I had a flashback, then immediately broke down sobbing when I processed what had happened.

It's not quite so extreme these days, but I still struggle with a lot of things and the emotions come and go. I don't enjoy physical contact even though I desperately want it. I get uncomfortable in public places, or anywhere crowded, really. Talking about bondage makes me extremely anxious, and I generally have to back out of conversations or chatrooms where there's heavy talk of it.

I've even had suicidal thoughts, as indicated by my short work “Background Noise."

I was initially diagnosed with severe depression and social anxiety by my psych that I'd been seeing, but after discussing the traumatic event and recent episodes I mentioned above, I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. I unfortunately haven't been able to seek proper treatment for this due to my financial situation, and my mental state makes it impossible for me to find meaningful work.

By now you're probably asking, why am I sharing this?

I'm not just doing this for sympathy, support, or anything of the sort. While the support is appreciated, I'm sharing this because I feel that this is a story that needs to be told. People should know what I've been through, should know what victims of sexual assault go through, and what kind of emotional scars trauma can leave for decades after the fact.

But most importantly: this story is a warning. This story is my soapbox, and my attempt to reach out and hopefully prevent others from falling into the same trap that I did.

Subs :

• Always know what you're getting into if it's a situation you have control of, and always give yourself a way out. Discussion and understanding is the name of the game here.

• Don't ever agree to do something that you're not comfortable with. Don't let yourself be coerced if you're not sure about it. If you tell someone “no," stick to it.

• Consent is not an immovable, immutable object. Even if you initially said “yes," it's never too late to change your mind if your partner is doing something you don't like.

Doms :

• It is your fucking responsibility to ensure your partner feels safe and comfortable.

• Don't try to bend people to your will , or convince them to do something that they're not into. If somebody says “no," don't keep pushing or try to change their mind. Not everyone has the fortitude to stand their ground.

• If you haven't discussed something with your partner, don't do it

• If at any point your partner indicates they'd like to stop or are uncomfortable, fucking stop. Don't keep doing the thing that's making them feel that way.

Above all, to everyone: respect your partner and treat them with dignity, regardless of the situation. No matter how degrading a consensual situation may be, how rough your partner wants to be treated or abused, etc., always make sure you make them feel cared for and loved afterward. No amount of discussion, agreement, or mutual understanding is going to amount to shit if the other person isn't brought back up once you're done. Aftercare is important.

There's so much more that I could say, that I want to say, and I'm sure that I'm missing some points that I'd like to make above. This may be revised if I feel I've missed something critical, or need to clarify a point. But I wanted to keep my soapbox thoughts concise, at least.

One final point that I want to emphasize is this: this doesn't only apply to physical situations in the real world. This is just as applicable to online interactions and roleplay. Even in the online world, there is still a person behind it, and that person deserves to be respected. Every situation should be a safe, enjoyable experience for both individuals.

In case any of you have disputes or concerns with the statements I'm making, there are a number of guides and “rulebooks" out there on how to safely carry out bondage, but it applies to any sexual situation. And many of them echo the points I've made. Here's a quick reference that I found:

https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/bondage-for-beginners-3925.html

Feel free to leave a comment if you'd like to discuss anything, or reach out to me via DMs if you'd like to speak privately. I'm always open to discussion, and would be happy to listen should any of you have similar experiences that you'd like to share. We're all in this together.