FSE

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Winter

Written by Lou le Loup

To every furry waiting for their springtime to come.

The snowstorm had passed along with its clouds, and the moon was shining bright in the resulting crystal clear sky. When Flynn was heading home, the sun had been set for hours, but the shine of the moon against the snow left a warm glow in the air, contrasting its bitter cold. Although he was exhausted from his day, he knew it would still be hours before he went to bed.

The fox’s red coat of fur serves to at least somewhat protect from the harsh weather, but the wind chill was particularly intense during his walk home. He longed for the relief of the warmth of the indoors. However, when he finally arrived home and stepped inside, although it warmed up his body, it did nothing to relieve the bitter cold he still felt within.

The last time his apartment truly felt warm was long before the leaves had fallen off the trees and were replaced with the wintry dusting of snow and ice. The leaves had just started to shift their colours from their vibrant green to their soft amber. Back then, it was not his place, it was their place. Never “my” place, always “our” place. Just until Flynn and Sage had decided to part ways that autumn.

~~~~

“It’s for the best,” Sage said.

“It is,” Flynn agreed.

“I’ll always love you.”

“I will too.”

Sage took a deep breath. “I really, really hope you find your person.”

It hurt Flynn to hear these words, but he knew it was harder for Sage to say them. “And I hope you find your people,” he said.

The velvet on Sage’s antlers had just shed, leaving them feeling smooth and dry. Flynn gave them one last teasing tug. This always bugged the deer, but with the surge of emotions of the moment, he couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Seriously?” he exclaimed through his laughs.

“You know I can’t help myself!” Flynn was laughing along with him. “They grew back bigger this year!”

“Yeah, they do that. It’s kind of a yearly thing,” Sage replied, his laughter starting to subside. “Hey, I got my own team at the community garden this year, so there’s no obligation for you to come back and help out next season, y’know… But I really hope we’ll still be friends.”

“I know, I know. And we will be, I know it,” Flynn replied, forcing a smile through the grief.

Their last tender embrace was sweet and bitter and painful and wonderful. It lasted longer than any other hug they had shared, yet it could never be long enough. Tears started flowing from the couple’s eyes as they knew that this was their end. “A new beginning to a new chapter!” they had been told, but still the end of what they had built together over the course of the almost two years they had shared.

As Sage opened the front door, Flynn saw the first leaf of the season falling off of a nearby tree. And Sage left the apartment, with all of its warmth following him out the door.

~~~~

Flynn opened his fridge and freezer, the frosty air rushing out to his body, though hardly phasing him as he peered inside. Unlike his position two years prior, he could now afford to live comfortably. But while he was no longer struggling to afford food, it was hard to find inspiration in what he did have. He had no energy or motivation to cook, and he was out of convenience food. He considered ordering out, but shook the idea off, already knowing he couldn’t afford to keep that up. Not feeling any hunger pangs, he decided to skip dinner again, and just head straight for the couch.

Flynn looked out the window, seeing the freshly fallen snow covering the otherwise barren trees. The storm earlier that day had been particularly large, even for the time of year. The snow left behind had weighed down the branches, making them look as though they could break at any moment, snapping and dumping all that snow at once onto whomever was unlucky enough to be passing by underneath. Dangerous, Flynn thought, but gorgeous. He wondered how such hazardous weather could be so beautiful.

Suddenly, a branch that was weighed down by the snow snapped off a tree, and Flynn was reminded of Sage, figuring his antlers must have shed by this time of the year.

~~~~

They had only been together long enough for Flynn to see Sage’s antlers shed once. Every year, the deer knew it was coming, just not exactly when it would be. Before the time came, Sage had given Flynn a warning, but as a fox who never had antlers to worry about himself, he had no idea what to expect. Every time Flynn had tugged on Sage’s antlers during the season, he reminded him that they could shed at any moment, and to be prepared if they did. And Flynn thought he would be ready.

It happened as Sage was on his way to bed on winter night. After brushing his teeth, he passed Flynn on his way to the bedroom, and he pulled him in for a hug and a kiss before saying goodnight. While the two were embraced, Flynn attempted to give Sage’s right antler a teasing tug, and it simply popped off.

This took Sage by surprise. “Oh!” he said. He reached up to see if the left antler was ready, and it popped off too. Looking down, Sage saw the blood that began to ooze from his head start to drip down to the floor. “Aaahhh, damn it, right before bed, too…” He let out a sigh. Unphased by the blood involved in this yearly process, the clean up was more of an inconvenience to him than anything else. “Guess they were ready!” He looked back up at Flynn, who, to his surprise, was looking at the scene in absolute horror.

The fox caught his breath. “HOLY SHIT!!” he yelled. “What the hell just happened? Are you okay?? I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know what I did, I do that all the time, I didn’t think it would…” Flynn almost started to cry.

“Oh, oh my gosh, yeah, don’t worry, I’m fine!! My antlers just shed, that’s all!” Sage went for an empathetic tone, trying to ignore the humour he found in his partner's response.

“Yeah, I can see that, but your head is POURING out blood! We have to get you to the hospital!”

“No, no, that’s totally normal! It doesn’t hurt at all. I honestly don’t know where all the blood comes from.”

“Hooooo…” Starting to feel dizzy, Flynn looked like he was about to faint, and he took a seat.

“Woah there, take it easy, big guy,” Sage said. “Here, let me take care of you.” He patted the fox on his back.

Hearing that come out of the mouth of his blood-covered partner, Flynn couldn’t help but start laughing. “Oh, I love you,” he said, “but this is pathetic. Let me take care of you, and help you clean up this mess.” Flynn got out of his seat, but the moment he stood up straight, he felt the blood rush from his head. He fainted and fell down right back into the seat.

Sage burst out laughing. “Oh dear,” he sighed, before getting himself some bandages, cleaning supplies, and a glass of water and a little snack for Flynn for when he came to.

Sage had already taken care of the mess and was fast asleep when Flynn woke up. It took him a minute to remember what happened and how he got there, but when the realization of what happened hit, he felt a pang of shame and embarrassment. That was pathetic, he thought. I’m a predator, I’m a carnivore! Why does a little blood bother me so much? I hope he doesn’t think any less of me…

But, seeing what Sage had left for him made him feel fuzzy and warm. Damn, he really does love me… he thought. Heh, that fuckin’ deer… He went to bed, seeing Sage already lying there. Flynn cuddled up beside his lover in a warm embrace that lasted the night.

~~~~

Flynn smiled coldly at the bittersweet memory, happy to have experienced it, but longing to feel again what he had felt when someone loved him. He tried to shake off the thought before it would consume him.

He took out his phone and went to scroll social media. The very first post on his timeline, posted five minutes before, was from Sage. It was a selfie of the smiling deer, clad up in bandages, holding up his freshly shed antlers to the camera. Its caption read, “the only good thing about these things fallin off every year is that i get to not wear a damn button up again until they grow back lol. i get to wear silly t shirts for like 2 weeks in the year!!! imma make the most of it òwó”.

Wow, Flynn thought. Speak of the fuckin’ devil. He stared at the deer’s smile for a good while. Seems to be doin’ well for himself, seems happy… He contemplated whether or not to like the post as an icy pang filled his chest. Shit, he thought. He closed the app entirely, went to an online dating app and started swiping. He lasted there an entire minute before he swiped through everyone it showed in the area. No matches. Again. God fucking damnit, he thought.

Flynn forced himself to look up from his phone. He looked back out the window to the snow covered trees. He noticed that some new branches had snapped and fallen down since the last time he looked. He felt moved by it, but couldn't put a paw on why. He wanted to capture the moment, capture this fleeting and treacherous beauty. He raised his phone and opened the window to get a better shot. Frigid air suddenly wafted into the room, causing his fur to stand on end, but he had known at least that this cold was only temporary. He could take it. Flynn got a few shots he was satisfied with of the neighbouring trees. He closed the window to stop the frigid air from wafting in, but he got no relief and still felt freezing.

Flynn felt compelled to share the photos, and figured he hadn’t posted in a while. Might as well, he thought, trying to shake the idea that he was trying to prove something. He opened the social media again and uploaded some of the shots, with the caption “crazy snowstorm huh?”. He mindlessly scrolled for a bit, before he got his first notes on the post. It got likes mostly from a few random people he knew at school, and one of the first comments it got was from Sage. It read, “this is really beautiful, flynn :)”

_ Shit_, he thought. As he contemplated again whether or not he should like Sage’s post, he got some notes from Molly. She liked it, and left a comment that read, “Crazy, crazy, crazy!!!!!” Oh god, he thought. His mind was instantly overtaken and flooded with fresh memories of his lunch date with her just a few days before.

~~~~

Flynn didn’t know why exactly he agreed to see Molly. He never thought they clicked as friends; she was too extraverted and too social for him, and they had almost no common interests. They only met doing a school project together at college. He didn’t know what she saw in him. But, always the social butterfly, and never feeling any level of anxiety a day in her life, she often asked to hang out with practically everyone she knew. And what else was he going to do, sit home and rot, like he did every day? He figured he hadn’t been out in a while, and this was an opportunity to, so he took it, even though he was dreading it.

Figuring too much caffeine would make him even more anxious, he ordered a hot herbal tea and sipped it mindlessly as he sat alone at a table in the café for a good ten minutes after Molly said she’d be there. Just when he wondered if she was still coming, sure enough, he saw the Brittany spaniel enter the café in a light yellow dress. How is she not freezing in that thing? he wondered. And, to his surprise, she was followed in by a black cat that he didn’t recognize.

“Helloooooooooo, darling!” Molly said as she approached the fox, the cat following and taking the seat next to her. Before taking a seat herself, Molly went right in for a hug, without first asking Flynn for consent.

“Heyyyy…!” Flynn replied, almost coiling from the unexpected touch.

“Been a while, I haven’t seen you in forever! And, wow! You’ve lost SO much weight, congratulations!!!”

“Oh. Uh, yeah. Been a rough couple of months, actually.” He mustered a small laugh to soften the blow.

“Oh nooooooooo!!!” She put a paw on her chest. The cat mirrored her movement and expression, the two almost moving in sync with one another. “Sorry to hear! Well, at least you look great now!”

“Uh. Thanks,” Flynn said, trying to keep the utter disgust he felt for that comment contained. Molly hadn’t acknowledged the cat at all, so he took it upon himself to ask, “Soooo who’s this? I thought it was just gunna be the two of us today.”

“Yes! Sorry about the surprise, but I wanted to share the good news in person!” Molly said. “This is Clover, my girlfriend!!!” She could hardly contain her excitement.

Flynn felt an icy pang in his chest. “Oh…! That’s… that’s great!” he managed to say.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Flick!” Clover said with a warm smile.

“Uh, It’s Flynn. Nice to meet you too,” he said, trying to pass his smile as genuine. Being one-on-two with a couple was the last thing he wanted to do, and the situation filled him with icy dread. He sipped at his warm tea, which did not warm him.

“Aaaaaaaaaa!!!!! I’m just so happy!” said Molly. “We’ve been dating long distance for, what, six years?”

“Somethin’ like that,” Clover said.

“And she just moved in to be with me for good!!! I can’t believe how lucky we are!!!” She put her head on Clover’s shoulder.

“Yeah, and she’s been showin’ me off to all her friends. I think it’s kinda cute,” Clover said with a cheeky smile.

“And how can I not? Flynn, look at how PERFECT we are together. Who EVER said that cats and dogs don't mix?”

Flynn felt frozen and stuck, unsure of what to say. He managed to get out a simple “...Wow!”

“God, I know, right???” Molly said. She looked as though she was trying to not shout inside of the café.

“Caaaaalm down, babe,” Clover said, “we’re in public.”

“I’m cool, I swear!!” Molly said. “Anyway, aurgh!! Look at us just yapping on and on and on. How are you and Sage, Flynn?”

His core felt frigid. “...We broke up.”

Clover gasped.

“Oh no!!! When did that happen?” Molly asked.

“Dunno,” Flynn said, “few months?”

“I can’t believe I didn’t know!” Molly said. “Why did you split?”

“He wanted to be polyamorous, I need to be monogamous. I like having one person to give all my love to, and I get jealous easily. He, well… Honestly, I don’t really understand polyamory, but that’s what he wants, and I don’t have to understand it to support him, y’know? It was just a compatibility issue. It was mutual. I didn’t wanna hold him back, and he didn’t wanna push me to do something I couldn’t do.”

“Dang. I’m so sorry,” Molly said. “You two seemed so perfect for eachother!”

“Yeah, that’s terrible,” Clover said.

“Eh. It is what it is,” Flynn said. “Been rough though.”

“You ever think about getting back together with him?” Molly asked.

“...What? No, I just said,” he started, before catching himself. He sighed. “I mean… naw. I love him, but we just don’t belong together. Like, we’re just looking for different kinds of relationships, we’d never work out in the long run. And I wouldn’t want to get back together with someone I’d just hold back, y’know? And honestly, I don’t even think I miss him specifically. I keep thinking of him, but only because he’s the only partner I’ve had. Got no one else to think of. I just miss what we had, y’know?” Flynn caught himself when he finished speaking. He didn’t know if he had ever put any of that to words, and he couldn't believe it all spilled out to a total stranger and Molly, of all people, but he was surprised at how nice it felt to talk about it.

“Like… just having a partner?” Molly responded.

“Yeah… And I’ve been looking around for someone new, but no luck. Online dating sucks. And the dating pool for queer people in this place sucks too.” Flynn thought for a moment. “And honestly, yeah, I want a partner, but I don't want my entire wellbeing to be dependent on something that’s just outside of my control. I want to be okay without a partner too, y’know? And right now, I just don't know how.” He let out a sigh. He hadn’t gotten the opportunity to vent about this stuff for a while. He realized at that moment just how isolated he had been feeling for so long, and after venting about what he'd been struggling with, Flynn felt just a bit of relief.

“Awww, yeah, but you’ll find someone!” Molly said. Clover smiled and nodded in agreement, and grabbed her partner’s hand. And with a warm smile and an unsolicited pat on the shoulder, Molly said, “Don’t you worry one bit!”

_ Aaaand there it is_, he thought, as the relief he felt went away entirely. “Heh. Yeah. Thanks,” he replied, trying to keep the cold and bitter tone contained.

After a bit more superficial catching up, they said their goodbyes.

And the two went home together with their “someone”, Molly somehow warm enough in just a light dress.

And Flynn went home alone, shivering in his frigid apartment.

~~~~

The cold was starting to get numbing at this point. Cranking up the heat in the apartment did nothing to warm him up on the inside. Flynn was getting nothing out of scrolling, his video games and any movies or shows didn’t inspire anything within him, that dating app told him he was out of potential matches, and he couldn’t think of anything else to do. Unsure if he was actually in the mood for it, if it was out of pure boredom, or if it was just out of the sheer need to feel something, Flynn felt one paw unzipping his fly before reaching down inside his briefs.

Simple stimulation was usually enough to get the gears going, but tonight he was struggling to get hard. He opened his phone and looked up some of his favourite erotic artists. Looking through the art had certainly helped to progress things, but he still wasn’t able to get very far. Pangs of loneliness were hitting deeper and harder every night.

Flynn thought for a moment. He just wanted to feel something, and he figured that seeing someone new, anyone new, would help relieve at least some of the icy loneliness he was feeling. Dunno, he thought, maybe gettin’ dicked down would save me?

While he was curious, he didn’t know how he’d feel. He had never hooked up with a stranger. He felt too shy to hook up with anyone. The only person he’d ever had sex with was Sage, and their first time was well into their relationship after they had gotten to know and get comfortable with each other for months. Memories of their first passionate night suddenly flooded his mind.

~~~~

It was midsummer night during the most intense heat wave that Flynn had ever experienced. Sage spent the day worried that the heat would dry up the community garden, but the thunderstorm predicted for that night eased his worries.

Their little apartment had no air conditioning, and it was too hot to wear any clothes without overheating, so Flynn and Sage hesitantly decided to spend the day in their underwear. While Sage found this exciting, the move was rather nerve wracking for Flynn. Before taking off his shirt for the day, he said, “Hey, Sage?”

“Yeah?” he said, already stripped down.

“Please don’t make fun of me when I take this off…”

“What?? Why would I ever do that?”

“I don’t think you would! I don’t know, man… I mean, you’ve seen pictures of me from before last year, I’ve gained so much weight since I got my new job, and I…”

Sage cut him off. “Dude,” he said, and wrapped his arms around Flynn’s shoulders. “Just last year, you were out of a job and starving to death. And today, what I see in front of me is a happy, and healthy, and beautiful fox who is way better off now than he ever was then. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”

Flynn felt tears welling up as he wondered how he ever could have been lucky enough to meet Sage. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you too.” The two shared a warm, tender kiss. “You take off that shirt whenever you’re ready, and don’t worry about me at all!”

“Man, it’s hot as hell, I gotta take it off before I sweat through the damn thing. But it’s okay… I’m ready.” He took off his shirt and felt a flutter in his chest as he showed his bare torso to his lover for the first time.

“Wow… you are just stunning,” Sage said.

“Stop staring!!!” Flynn said lightheartedly. He felt giddy.

They spent the day playfully teasing and flirting with each other more than they had ever had before, Flynn getting more and more comfortable as the day went on. And even as the temperature fell as the thunderstorm arrived, and there was no longer a need to keep out of their clothes, they still chose to stay that way.

When the two were cuddling in bed before sleeping for the night, Flynn had finally gathered enough courage to say, “Hey, Sage?”

“Yeah?” he replied.

“I think… I think I’m ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“...you know…” Flynn started blushing furiously.

Sage felt a twinge of excitement and a little throb in his briefs. “Wait, really?? You sure?”

“I’m sure. I’ve wanted to for a long time, and today has made me feel more comfortable with you than ever…”

“Man, I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Flynn’s warm blush would not go away, and butterflies filled his core.

“So… how do you wanna do this?” Sage asked.

“Dunno, I’ve never done this before. You tell me! You’re the one with more experience!”

“A single hookup with a woman when I still thought I was straight is not much experience at all,” he said while laughing. “I don’t know what I’m doing either!”

“True… well then, let’s figure it out together!” Flynn couldn’t stop smiling.

“Okay!! Can I kiss you?” Sage asked. He couldn’t stop smiling either.

“Yes, please.”

Sage pulled Flynn in for a deep kiss. Flynn hesitantly but excitedly opened his mouth during it. Sage accepted this invitation and opened his too, and the two started making out for the first time in their relationship. Flynn let out a soft moan to communicate Yes, god yes, more please. And Sage took that as an invitation to roll Flynn over and mount on top of him. Sage looked at his lover in the eyes before going in for an even deeper kiss, and then accidentally bonking his teeth together with Flynn’s. The sound was loud inside the fox’s skull. “Ow!” Flynn exclaimed.

“Sorry!!” Sage said. The two started laughing hard.

The laughter quickly subsided, and Flynn looked in awe at his partner mounted on top of him. He let out a huffy moan before pulling Sage back in to continue, gentler this time to avoid what had just happened.

After a while, neither of them could hide their bulges anymore, but they didn’t want to. And when a dark wet spot was starting to form on the tip of the tent in Flynn’s briefs, he pulled away from the kiss and said, “Sage, I want to see all of you, and I want you to see all of me.”

“I’ve waited so long to hear those words.” Sage got off of Flynn, and playfully reached his hooved fingers down his waistline. “Can I?” he asked.

“Please…” Flynn responded, his voice breathy.

Sage pulled down his briefs, and Flynn saw his partner’s dick for the first time, causing his own to start visibly throbbing in response. Sage took notice of this. “Damn”, he said, “looks like someone’s excited…” Flynn was blushing uncontrollably and he instinctively covered his face with his paws. Sage reached down to his partner’s underwear, and teasingly slipped a finger underneath the waistline. “Is this okay?” he asked.

Flynn couldn’t bring himself to speak, opting to nod furiously instead. Without hesitation, Sage pulled them down, and he finally saw his lover’s dick for the first time as well. His own dick started leaking more in response to the view. “Wow… that's you!!” he said.

“That’s me!” Flynn replied, not able to contain his embarrassment and excitement.

Sage couldn’t stop staring in awe. “Can I touch it?” he asked with a smirk.

Flynn nodded violently again, still covering his face. He felt his lover reach down to his most sensitive area and begin stroking up and down. He felt overwhelmed with the red hot sensations and emotions of the moment, and felt something build, and build, and build, and suddenly…

“Wait, stop!!” Flynn exclaimed, wide eyed.

Sage took his hand away without hesitation. “Okay! You alright?”

“God, yes. Got too close is all… already. Damn,” Flynn said, out of breath.

“Oh! Don't worry, I’ll take that as a compliment,” Sage said with a smirk.

Flynn let out a breathy huff. “I want this to last, but you're just too good… Let’s switch the focus to you for a bit.”

Sage blushed at these words and looked to the side. “Flynn… I know this is gonna sound weird, but I only wanna focus on you right now… Let’s do me later, but right now, I just want to service you, I want to taste you. God, I wanna fuckin’ taste you.” Sage looked deep into Flynn’s eyes. “Can I suck your dick?”

Flynn was absolutely stunned at what his partner said to him, confused as to why he only wanted to give all he had and not want to receive anything in return, but his dick was throbbing too hard at the thought to make any attempt to argue. “God, I mean, if you insist…”

“Is that a yeeeees?” Sage teased, poking the fox’s belly.

Flynn was too flustered to enunciate his words anymore. He managed to get out, “Yespleasegoditisayespleasesuckmydick.”

“Heh, alright then, foxy. Let me get to work.” And without hesitation, he got down between Flynn’s thighs.

“God, I hope it doesn’t smell too strong,” Flynn said, “I’ve been sweating all day in this heat.”

Sage put his face right up to Flynn’s balls and inhaled deeply. “Yeah, you do smell strong, love, but I am so into it…”

Flynn covered his face with his paws again. “Oh, god…”

“Please don’t be embarrassed, I need you to understand that I’m in heaven right now…” Sage took another big whiff before tasting the pre that’s been leaking out of his partner’s dick uncontrollably. He looked as if he could melt at any moment.

Flynn let out a loud moan feeling Sage’s tongue on the tip of his dick. “Oh fuck, I’m in heaven too…” he replied.

Sage opened his mouth and let more of Flynn’s length inside. Flynn felt an uncomfortable grating sensation as he did. “Hey, Sage?” he said.

Sage took his mouth away and looked up. “Yeah?”

“Can you, uh, watch out for your teeth? It kinda hurts.”

“Oh! Yeah, for sure!” And with that, he got right back to it. Opening his mouth wider and now conscious of his teeth, he bobbed his head up and down Flynn’s dick, making him moan from the pleasure. “Fuuuuuck,” he said. The sensation was warm, hot, burning. Flynn needed more. Without thinking, he reached down to Sage’s antlers, covered in fuzzy velvet. He grabbed them tightly, and…

“Mm, mmmm!!” Sage let out a struggled sound and quickly tapped on Flynn’s thigh. Flynn gasped and let go. Sage looked up, wide eyed. “Please do not grab my antlers right now,” he said firmly.

“Oh, okay!” Flynn replied. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Sage sighed. “Aw, it’s okay, you didn’t know. Any other time, it’s okay to grab ‘em, but I really don’t want you to touch them when I’m down here, okay? I’m already vulnerable down here, I don’t want the control taken from me like that.”

“Okay!” Flynn said. “Still, I’m sorry. I should have asked.”

Sage smiled warmly in response. “Thank you,” he said.

“No, thank you for telling me! It won’t happen again.”

Flynn was unsure if the moment had passed, but before he could ask if Sage was still in the mood, he was met with his next words, which he said with a smirk: “Good boy.” Flynn’s paws went right back over his face, and he let out a loud moan as Sage took his whole dick in his mouth and started bobbing back and forth again. Flynn heard him gag occasionally as he took his length further back in his throat.

“Holy fucking shit, dude, you’re so good at this,” Flynn said. His core was on fire. There was a burning passion between them at that moment, and Flynn started feeling like he couldn’t hold back any longer. “Dude, holy fuck, if you keep that up, I’m gunna… God, FUCK, I’m close, I’m so close, I’m, I’m gunna…” He let out a long and loud moan as he shot out the biggest load he’d released in a while. Sage stopped bobbing his head and let his mouth fill with his partner’s cum. “Huff, fuuuuuck…” Flynn exhaled. “Uh, here, let me grab you a tissue or somethin’ for you to spit into.”

Flynn said that as Sage was already swallowing every last drop. “No need,” he said, smirking.

Flynn looked at him and blushed deeply. “Holy fuck…” he said. “How was that your first time?”

Sage let out a triumphant laugh, proud of his accomplishment. “I mean, I have a dick too, and I know what I want. It seems intuitive to me. And the way you smell and taste was just driving me wild.”

Flynn was still out of breath. “Speaking of,” he said, “if you’re still in the mood, I think you deserve some attention too.”

“Heh, don’t worry, you look exhausted,” Sage said. “I can take care of myself.”

“Sage. Please let me help you out.”

Sage blushed. “Well… fuck, if you insist. But seriously, for a first time, I don’t want too much.”

“Well, what do you want then?” Sage seemed embarrassed to say it. “Come on, you can tell me anything!” Flynn said.

“I… I wanna… Aw, fuck it, can I cum on your belly?”

Flynn blushed deeply out of surprise. “Wait, really?? I mean, holy shit, of course,” he said. The thought that his partner wanted to pay so much attention to the part of his body he felt the most shame over made him feel so, so warm inside. “Please do.”

Sage mounted the fox again, still throbbing hard and leaking uncontrollably. Flynn laid back and as he watched his lover jack off on top of him to nothing other than his own body. Sage put his free hoof on Flynn’s belly, rubbing and squeezing it before running his finger over one of his stretch marks. Flynn was on fire with passion inside. “Can I jack you off?” he asked.

Sage moaned and nodded, letting go of his dick to grab his belly with both hands now. Flynn reached down and felt his partner’s dick in his paw for the first time. He felt a twinge in his own dick at the sensation, even though he intensely unloaded just moments before. He grabbed Sage’s dick and started stroking. Sage let out a loud moan at this, which fueled the fire inside of Flynn. He noticed Sage’s balls resting on his belly, and he used his free hand to start fondling them while the other jacked his partner off. Sage started playing with Flynn’s belly more intensely, more urgently. “Fuck dude, don’t stop, I’m gettin’ close…” His voice was breathy now.

“Do it, I know you want to, and fuck, I want it too.” The fire in Flynn’s core was uncontrollable as he kept jacking off his lover.

Suddenly, Sage tensed up and held his breath for just a moment before the release from his dick shot out all over Flynn, letting out a deep sigh as his dick pulsed hard. The sensation of getting coated in and marked with his partner’s cum was simply euphoric to Flynn. “Fuck, man, what a load… I can’t believe you got off to my belly…” It made him giddy and he couldn’t help but giggle at the thought.

“Huff…” Sage needed a second to catch his breath. “Well, I can! You’re hot as hell, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,” he said.

“I love you, man…”

“I love you too.” Sage leaned forward and went to deeply kiss his partner again, his cum still on his breath, but he bonked his teeth with Flynn’s again.

“Ow!!!”

“Sorry!!!”

The two started laughing again and held each other in their arms for a while.

“Okay,” Flynn said. “I desperately need a shower.”

“Me too,” Sage said. “Hey, ya think we can take one together?”

Flynn blushed again. “Oh, wow… Fuck, of course, man. Let’s go!”

And the couple didn’t bother grabbing any clothes to change into on their way out of the bedroom.

~~~~

That night was full of fiery passion, and it felt like it would last that way forever. But, Flynn snapped back to the present, and was almost shocked at how cold he felt now. Fuck, he thought. It was numbing. He looked down at the tent he was still pitching. He moved a paw down to take care of it, but he felt too frigid to feel anything worth feeling. Shit, he thought.

Flynn thought again about finding someone to hook up with. Just a “one and done” kind of deal felt easier to find than a long term, committed relationship, and again, being with someone for a night might relieve some of his loneliness. Fuck it, he thought, I just wanna feel something.

He got on his phone and downloaded the hookup app he had always avoided. Once it was ready, he opened it and entered all of the basic info for his bio. Feeling like he should upload a photo of himself, and not in the mood to take a new one that minute, he tried searching through his phone for a recent selfie. That’s when he realized, the last selfie he took was months ago with Sage. Feeling a sharp icy pang through his center, he reluctantly put on a fake smile and took a new selfie. Ugh, he thought. Is that really what I look like now? Whatever, it’ll do. He set his profile name to “testing waters”, desperately hoping that the water would be warm.

He looked through the profiles that were nearby, and he was surprised to see just how close some of the people were. A profile named “doggyhole4u” was apparently only twenty feet away. It was a faceless profile, the only picture being a shirtless torso of a twink with yellow fur. Doggy, twenty feet away…? he thought. Do I know him? Wait, is that Jared??? Flynn found the block button in the top right corner of the screen.

He kept browsing the nearby profiles. There were many very overtly sexual profiles that intimidated Flynn, with names like “throat2fuck” and “dom for pig”. While he was curious about a hookup, he didn’t want anything as intense as profiles like this seemed to be seeking out.

As he was scrolling through, one profile named “LonelyLion” caught his eye. The man in the profile was very attractive to Flynn. He clicked on the profile and read the bio. “Recently divorced, looking for new beginnings and more.” Thinking this lion was someone he could relate to, he sent him a message: “hello, how r u doing? :)”

It didn’t take long for the lion to respond. Flynn opened the message, and was almost jumpscared by a picture of the lion presenting his hindquarters and spreading his ass cheeks. The message that followed read “you’re turn”. When Flynn didn’t respond for a few minutes, the lion blocked him. Jesus, Flynn thought. He tried to not let it affect him as he looked through more profiles.

A second profile simply named “goat dude” grabbed his attention. He clicked on its thumbnail to get a better look. The bio simply read “let’s vibe!” with a couple of leaf emojis following, which Flynn didn’t understand the meaning of. He found the goat cute with his curly black hair pouring out over his horns. In his profile picture, he was playing guitar in a dim room surrounded by lit candles. Woah, Flynn thought, wondering how much effort he should have put into his own profile picture.

He sent “goat dude” a message: “hey! i really love ur vibe :3”

Before long, he got a response: “yo, thank you! youre cute btw o///o”

“aww dont make me blush,,”

“heheh, i wouldnt mind getting high with a cutie like you!”

“oh, uh i dont do that. id still love to get to know u, though! :3”

The goat didn’t respond after a few minutes.

Flynn sent another message: “so what r u up to tonight?”

No response.

Damn it, he thought, the cold flushing back to him.

He kept scrolling through, and suddenly, his eye was caught by a profile of a heavyset brown bear around Flynn’s age. The profile didn’t have a name or a bio, but the photo they posted of themself intrigued Flynn. They were wearing round glasses and a purple flannel shirt, and one of their round ears was pierced with a stud earring. In the picture, they were smiling with their tongue sticking out of their mouth. Oh shit, Flynn thought, they’re really fuckin’ cute. He went to send them a message, but just as he was about to, the bear messaged first, saying: “yo!! you’re super cute! ;3”

Flynn felt a light flutter in his chest. He replied: “hey!! thank uuu :3 i was JUST about to message saying the same thing o///o”

“yeah, i get that a lot ;3”

The confidence in that response led Flynn's cheeks to blush. “well i can see why! beautiful bear~” he replied.

“hehehe, well, whats a cute fox like you looking for on here?”

“ohhh, im not too sure yet, im just testing the waters. been feeling pretty lonely i guess.” Flynn knew exactly why he came to this app, but he just couldn’t bring himself to say it directly so soon.

“aww you poor thing! well let’s keep talking, maybe we’ll vibe! i’m always looking for new people ;3”

“yeah for sure!! whats ur name btw?”

“i’m beau :) what’s yours?”

“aww, thats a handsome name ;3 well hello beau the bear, im flynn the fox!”

“‘flynn the fox’… shit, do i know you from somewhere?”

Flynn racked his brain, thinking where Beau may have seen him. He didn’t recognize the bear at all, and he knew he’d remember a face as cute as theirs. “uh! not sure!! i mean, the university is pretty big. maybe uve just seen me around?” But how’d they recognize my name? he thought.

“hmmmm maybe! well whatever, i’m sure i’ll remember if it’s important :p”

“haha well alright! sooooo what kinda things are you into?”

“...do you mean like in general? or like, kinky shit? ōwô”

“ohhh… well i meant the former, but let’s circle back to the latter >;3”

Flynn and Beau continued their conversation for a good hour, flirting back and forth as they shared their interests. He thought it was funny to be connecting so much with someone on a hookup app of all places, when he never got this kind of connection on that other dating app. They were into the same video games, the same genres of films, the same overall fandoms. It seemed they agreed on everything, and with the clear attraction they felt for each other, Flynn was starting to feel some sparks of warmth again. After months of feeling nothing but the frigid cold he constantly felt within, finally connecting so much with someone new made him feel hopeful again. It was at this point that he looked back at the first and only other time he ever felt this kind of connection with someone. Not with icy longing, but with warm nostalgia, Flynn looked back on the spring day he met Sage.

~~~~

Flynn walked past the community garden at the edge of his university every day, and every day it intrigued him with its beauty. It looked like whoever was in charge of it had so much passion for and dedication to their work. The garden’s purpose was to grow food for the less fortunate in the community, a service that Flynn had discovered when he was struggling. He always wanted to get involved and give back to the people who practically saved his life, but didn’t know how or where to start.

That is, until the spring day when he noticed a sign up sheet posted on the fence with the title “Garden Volunteers Wanted”. It looked a little rained on and weathered, but it hadn’t rained for a few days, though the list was empty. How long has this been here? Flynn wondered. Without hesitation, he wrote his name and number down on the paper. That night, he got a text from the supposed leader of the community garden asking if he could be there at noon the next day to help out, and Flynn responded saying he could.

Eager to help out and get to know the people behind the scenes who helped him, Flynn arrived at the garden a good ten minutes early. For a few months, he hadn’t gotten out much, other than to head back and forth to class, and he hadn't yet taken the opportunity to appreciate his favorite season. So while he waited, he did just that, and took in the beauty of the area. Wildflowers were just starting to bloom outside of the garden, and the first crops of the season were starting to bud inside of it. The birds had returned to sing and all of the pollinators were taking advantage of the nectar in the fresh new plants. The smell of the air was crisp and refreshing, and the bright sun warmed his core. No time like springtime, he thought to himself. After the long and cold winter, he always appreciated the new warmth and rebirth of the world.

After enough time had passed, he expected to see a full team of people come up to the garden, but at twelve o’clock sharp, he only saw one person coming up to the garden with a wheelbarrow full of large sacks. Flynn felt a light flutter in his chest as he saw this person come into full view. It was a deer, and a handsome one at that, wearing flowers in and around his antlers. He suddenly felt a wave of anxiety as he realized he might be alone with this attractive person.

“Hey!” the deer said. “Are you Flynn?”

“I am!”

“Oh, thank god you showed up! There’s a lot of work to do, and I need all the help I can get! I’m Sage. It’s so nice to meet you, Flynn!” Sage approached the fox, but then caught himself. “Oh, sorry. Can I give you a hug? I’m a hugger.”

The flutter in Flynn’s chest got faster. He was never big on touch from people he wasn’t close with, but hearing this cute deer ask for consent so casually made him feel so safe to. “Yeah, for sure!” he said. Sage smiled and came in for the hug, which was tight and lasted a few seconds. Flynn felt butterflies in his stomach. “Woah…” he said. “You give amazing hugs.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot!” Sage said, smiling warmly. “And I must say, you do too!”

The butterflies in his stomach became furious. “Oh! No one’s ever told me that before, I’m not really sure how to react… Thank you!!” And the deer smiled again, the same ear to ear smile that warmed Flynn’s heart. “Oh, and I love your flowers too!”

“Oh, thank you!!!” Sage said. “Yeah, I don’t wear them like this too often, but the flowers I passed on the way here were too pretty to pass up!” He smiled ear to ear again, and then suddenly clapped his hooves together one time. “Alright! We’ve got lots of work to do, so let’s get started! Okay, so the sack on the left is filled with soil, and the one on the right is filled with compost…” He went on to explain the tasks of the day, which consisted of a lot of shovelling and tilling in preparation for the rest of the season.

“Sounds good! Soooo… is it just gunna be the two of us?” Flynn asked.

“Looks like it!” Sage said, grabbing two shovels. “You were the only one who signed up, and that list has been up for, like, a few weeks at this point.”

“Aw man,” Flynn said, “I didn’t notice it. I would have signed up sooner if I did.” The two got to work as they continued talking. “Wait… So, if no one else is showing up, does anyone else even work in the garden, or is it just you?”

“Right now, yeah, it’s just me.”

“What the hell?? Dude, the garden is BEAUTIFUL. This whole time, I thought it was, like, a whole team working on it. How do you even manage?”

“Well, it was a small team until this season, but everyone else graduated out. I’m the only one left.”

“Oh shit!”

“Yeah, it hasn’t been easy! I’ve been managing so far, but it’s a shit ton of work. And I love the work, I’ve never done anything more important and fulfilling. But it is way too much for just one deer! That’s why I put up the volunteer sheet. I’m working on getting a more permanent team, but I need all the help I can get until then.”

“Yeah, that’s super understandable!! I really admire the work you put into this place. Seriously, it’s just, so beautiful.”

“Aw, thanks! It really means a lot to hear.” Sage gave Flynn his big smile again as he continued his work, and Flynn felt the butterflies come back as he continued his. “So, what made you want to help out?” Sage asked.

Flynn thought about whether he should tell the truth. It was a very vulnerable fact about himself that he was used to keeping a secret from new people, but Sage just felt so safe, so warm, and so easy to talk to. He looked at Sage, and after a moment’s contemplation, he was confident that he wanted to share. “Well, I needed this program last year.” He continued shoveling as he spoke. “I had no job, and when I ran out of the money I saved up when I was still living with my parents, I had to make the decision between having a roof over my head and having food. It sucked. I was struggling for a while and I didn’t know what to do. And then I found out that this garden I walk past every day wasn’t just here to look pretty, and I found out about the program surrounding it, and then this place led me to the food bank, and, yeah. Long story short, you guys pretty much saved my life. Thank you, seriously. And uh, well, I’m doing a lot better now, I got a job and I can afford my own food. And I just wanted to give back to this place. So, here I am!”

When Flynn didn’t hear a response from Sage, he looked up and saw that the deer had dropped his shovel. He looked like he was about to cry.

“Aww, what the matter?” Flynn asked, as tears started welling in Sage’s eyes.

“I…” Sage started, but he got choked on his own voice as he was trying to hold back the tears. “I don’t know, really. I’m not part of the team that distributes the produce from this place, I just till the earth and plant the seeds and grow the plants. I never actually see the impact of my work in person. And, and hearing that from someone who needed us first hand…” His tears betrayed him and started flowing freely down his cheek. “I’m so sorry you went through that, and seeing how much better you are now, it’s just… I’m so, so humbled to hear that we helped you out… Oh, I’m sorry, I’m okay, it’s just overwhelming.”

“Hey, hey now, it’s okay!” Flynn could not believe that he was about to ask this, but he didn’t know what else to say, and he couldn’t stop himself. “Can we hug again?”

Sage said nothing and just nodded while walking over to Flynn. This hug lasted much longer than the first one they had shared. Flynn didn’t want to let go, and Sage didn’t seem to want to either. Flynn didn’t know how or why he felt so safe and warm with this stranger he had just met. All he knew was that this felt special. All he knew was that he felt warm sparks.

Finally, Sage was the one to let go. “Okay, okay, okay, I’m okay,” he said. He looked around at the garden. “We still have some work to do, but with two people, it’s going twice as fast as it usually takes me when I’m alone! Let’s get back to it!” Flynn was only a little disappointed to break away from Sage, but he was more than happy to keep on helping out. The two got back to work, and before long, they were done for the day.

“Alright, I think that’s everything!” Sage said.

“Whew,” Flynn sighed. “That is not easy work.”

“Yeah, but it’s so worth it. I love this place so much.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Flynn smiled. He felt exhausted, but in a deeply fulfilling way.

“Well… I won’t hold you any longer! You’re free to go wherever you want and do whatever it is you do now!” Sage said hesitantly, but lightheartedly.

“Well, actually…” Flynn felt his heart pounding in his chest. “It was super fun to meet you and to get to talk to you, and I was wonderin’ if you wanted to hang out together sometime soon, or somethin’ like that?” He couldn’t bring himself to look directly at the deer.

Sage started speaking quickly. “Man, I’m fuckin’ glad you asked ‘cause I was too shy to do it myself and I just going to text you later and I was worried it wouldn’t go well to text that kinda thing and, and, and…” He took a deep breath. “Yes. That’s a yes. I would love to.” Sage started to blush.

Flynn was stunned. “Well…! Alright then! We have each others’ numbers, let’s set something up.”

“I’m free right now!” Sage blurted out. “If you… haha, if you want to do something right now.”

Flynn was the one who was blushing now. “Oh… well, fuck it, I’m free too. I’d love to. What did you have in mind?”

“I know a place where we can go to just chill and talk more if you’re down! You know the gazebo in the quad?”

“Uh, yes?? I absolutely adore that place this time of year.”

“Well let’s go, then!” Sage said, giving him his signature big smile as he walked out the gate of the garden, gesturing for Flynn to follow.

And as Flynn followed his new friend out through the gate, he couldn’t shake the thought that this was the beginning of something beautiful.

~~~~

Flynn smiled warmly at the memory. He didn’t know at the time just what it was the start of, or how precious their little time together would come to be.

He looked back down at his phone. His connection with Beau certainly wasn’t as strong or personal as his first connection with Sage, but he didn’t think “meeting at a beautiful garden in the springtime” versus “meeting on a hook up app close to midnight” was a fair comparison. Flynn gave the situation the benefit of the doubt, though, and wondered if this could also be the start of something beautiful.

Feeling his heart flutter in his chest, Flynn sent Beau a new message: “dude, ive been having so much fun talking with u tonight. we should totally meet up some time!”

Beau replied: “yeah, for sure!! you should come over to my place sometime soon. i think my partner would love you!”

Wait, what?? Flynn’s heart stopped fluttering as it sank down deep into his stomach. He sent a message: “partner??”

“yeah!! oh, no, dont worry, he knows i’m on here, we’re polyam! and we’re looking for new partners ;3”

God fucking damnit, not again… he thought. Flynn stared at his phone for a while not knowing how to respond. He let out a frustrated sigh. Why doesn’t it ever work out?

Beau sent a new message: “i really think you’d like him if you gave him a chance! he’s this SUPER cute deer.”

…A deer who’s polyamorous?

“but i swear, you wouldn’t even know it cause his antlers just shed today xD”

…

“he’s super hot though! and let me tell ya, he seriously knows what he’s doing in bed. that dude LOVES dick and really knows his way around one >:3 you gotta get in on some of that action!”

…

“and he works in the community garden, so he’s not super busy during the winter, so nows the time, since he can’t work until spring! we’re pretty much always free and down for anything! ;)”

“sage.”

“oh, shit, yeah!! how do you know him?”

Flynn felt an icy dagger pierce his chest, and all the warmth he had felt spilled out in an instant. He found the block button and clicked it without hesitation.

Flynn didn’t know what he was feeling. He didn’t know how to feel anymore. He couldn’t think. All he did was sit and stare down at the floor. He did nothing, and this kept him from vomiting.

…

Silence.

…

In that moment, the silence was keeping Flynn together.

…

Suddenly, his phone vibrated. He looked down at it. Looking at the time, he was shocked to see twenty minutes had passed in what felt like a moment. He looked at the notification, which was a text from Sage.

“hey… i know it’s been a while, but how are you doing?”

Flynn dropped his phone on the floor.

And for the first time since the break up, Flynn cried. Tears had been shed, of course, but he had never let himself cry. And crying turned to sobbing, and sobbing turned to weeping. He couldn’t stop it anymore. And for the first time since the break up, Flynn didn’t feel numb. He felt pain.

Flynn heard his phone vibrate on the wooden floor again, but he didn’t check the message.

The pain he was feeling was immense. How could he? he thought.

No, no, that’s not how I feel. He has every right to. I gave him my permission.

Asshole, he doesn’t need your fucking permission! The fuck are you thinking??

I don’t KNOW what I’m thinking.

I knew this would happen. Why does it hurt?

You knew it would hurt.

Yeah, but why does it hurt *this much*??

Doesn’t matter. Just think of how to stop it.

No. Can't stop it.

…So how can I manage it?

Flynn felt an urge. An urge he had never felt before. An urge that scared him, an urge that shook him to his very core with blinding white fear.

No…

He felt the urge to hurt himself.

I said I’d never let myself get to that point!

He had no idea why. There was no way to rationalize it. All he knew was that the pain he felt inside was unbearable, and he felt like physical pain would alleviate some of it.

_ Fuck, no, I can’t, I…_

Flynn took out a claw and poked it into the skin of his forearm, hard enough to feel pain, but not hard enough to pierce the skin.

_ It didn’t work… I… can’t, I cannot let myself do that._ He didn’t dare go any further. Tears started streaming from his eyes again.

_ I just want a partner. I just want what I had again._

_ You fucked it up._

_ No, I didn’t fuck anything up, we just didn’t work out._

_ I’ll never have what I had again…_

_ And while I’m feeling frozen and numb for MONTHS, he’s been happy with a partner this whole time??_

_ No. I don’t know how long they’ve been together, and he has every right to be with someone new._

_ He doesn’t even fucking CARE about me!_

_ That is NOT true._

_ He should have told me._

_ No! He doesn’t owe you anything._

_ Maybe I don’t deserve anything._

_ Man, FUCK THIS. I just want a partner. I want what Sage and Beau have, I want what Molly and Clover have, I want what every fucking happy couple in the world have. And that is NOT too much to ask for!! And it’s not like I don’t try to find one! I’ve just had fucking SHIT luck so far. I’m so fucking SICK of it!!_

I’ve been freezing cold for months. I just want to feel warm again.

You felt warm before you met him.

_ You do not need a partner to feel warm._

_ But I don’t know how to anymore…_

It felt like Flynn had no tears left in him, and that he cried all he could cry. He felt defeated. He felt empty. He felt lost.

Apathetically, he picked up his phone off the floor. The screen had cracked a bit from the fall. Shit, he thought. He turned on the screen. It had apparently been a full hour since he last checked. Damn.

He saw the second message from Sage: “beau told me what happened. i’m so sorry you had to find out this way. if you want to talk about it, i’m always here for you. i love you.”

Flynn felt numb again, and he wondered if it was better or worse than feeling pain. Not knowing what else to do, he just moved straight to the bedroom and crashed on his side of the bed. He didn’t realize how exhausted he felt until he was face first with his pillow, thinking about how arbitrary and lonely it felt to have a “side” to the bed he had no one to share with.

All the thoughts of before came surging back, albeit not as intensely this time, and Flynn couldn’t help but cry again. He felt icy cold as his tears wet his pillow. His breath felt shaky as he was shivering. Covering himself with the blanket did nothing to help warm him. But at this point, he was used to it.

And as Flynn lay alone in his bed that was too big for one person, he shivered, and he cried, until he was overtaken by sleep.

A Note from the Author

Hello! This is Lou speaking, and not some impersonal and omniscient third person narrator, haha. Thank you so much for reading my story. This is my first ever work of furry fiction, and writing it has been tons of fun, but also very cathartic and healing. I look forward to writing more in the future. :3

So, about the ending. Yeah, it’s really bleak, and I’m not sorry about it. I really thought about giving this story a happier ending, but ultimately, I chose not to. This is, by every account, a vent piece. It’s obviously a work of fiction. All of the characters found in this story are my original characters, and no character was based on any specific individual in real life. That being said, this is a very personal story from someone struggling with loneliness and its resulting depression (me), and the events that take place in it are largely based on and inspired by my lived experiences. So it never felt right to give this story a happy ending, because then it would not be true to my experience at this point in my life. It would no longer be a vent piece.

I wrote the story that I’ve been needing to read. It seems that most works of furry fiction similar to this, at least the ones that I come across, have happy endings. Sometimes, it’s fun to dream and to fantasize about what could be! But this time around, I really needed a story that I can relate to. Hopefully, this is what some of you needed to read, too. If you ever feel like you’re a person who needs a story like this, I want you to know that you are not alone. And if you don’t relate to this story right now, I hope it can maybe help you to better understand and support your friends who do.

I’ll close this note by saying that, while writing this story, I was heavily inspired by one quote from the musical Hadestown by Anaïs Mitchell:

“The coldest night,

of the coldest year,

comes right before the spring.”

Flynn and Sage’s relationship began in the spring, and Flynn’s story here takes place and ends in the winter. I wrote this story at a time in my life when spring has not yet come for me, too. I dedicate this story to every furry waiting for their springtime to come, and I need you to know that you are not, nor will you ever be, alone. You are valid, and you are seen. Whatever it looks like to you, your springtime will come again, as certain as the changing of the seasons.

Take care,

Lou :3

July 2024