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In A Future You Never Needed To Really Fear

By: A.X. Bueno

It’s almost funny you think when you reflect on this fear from your past

Daydreaming about the future but something in those idle dreams always seemed to contrast

You thought about all the things you wanted to have as an adult, things like a house, a good career

But when it came to love, to a spouse more often than you saw a man and that made you feel fear

Of course it didn’t matter that the man didn’t have clear features or that could women appear too

There was a man you could see yourself with in your future and that just wouldn’t do

There was a standard, a family structure to which you expected, were supposed to adhere

You wanted to believe you loved women but daydreamed a lot about men

Then you thought could you actually be queer?

No, no you shake those thoughts out of your but they keep coming back again and again

You still remember when you first learned the word queer could be meant way

You learned it in an advanced class back in middle school thought it was worth trying to practice and say

So you do that and then some peers tell you not to say it cause it’s another word for gay

And back then that was considered a pretty not okay thing to be

You were warned about that by family and friends so you suppress those thoughts, you see

It doesn’t matter if someone else felt comfortable enough to come out to you

You can accept others but can’t accept what you don’t want to believe yourself as

In high school and beyond there are moments that make you question it all but choose to suppress

And hide those doubts, put on a show of waiting and ignoring what you might really want whereas

You see others be comfortable and loudly express everything you secretly want and thus progress

Sure most of these people are behind a screen or far away but their words still reach your eyes and ears

You start to slowly unpack what’s been holding you back all of these years

The expectations, the warnings, the pressure and the fears

They all slowly start to fade away

Until eventually after almost ten years you can finally bring yourself to say that you’re gay

It isn’t an easy conversation to have about it that first time but it’s more than worth it in the end

It’s been a couple of years and you’ve grown and figured yourself out more since then

You’re still figuring yourself out in ways but you understand so much more than before

Ultimately there’s been a lot of growth from that repressed, confused kid with more still to come

You’re pretty sure that if that younger you could see you now he’d be shocked, maybe horrified

But that’s okay, after all you know everything about where he’s coming from