The Seeker, Chapter 6
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The Seeker, Chapter 6
By William W. Kelso
It had been a really slow day so far, which was just fine with me. Interesting days in Hell are, well, Hell, the quieter the better. I was lying on my back chewing on my GAY harness (a bad habit of mine, drives my Mistress nuts) and using my tail to bat a large ball made from asbestos (so it wouldn't blow up when I touched it) back and forth with the Man/Imp-eating plant my Mistress insists on keeping in her office. Stupid thing tried to eat me once, but we were friends now. Once I'd convinced it not to eat the ball it was a good way to pass the time. I'd had to grab it around the trunk and squeeze once to make it cough up the ball, but after that it got the idea. I had to admit the big weed did come in handy though when annoying door-to-door salesimps showed up. My Mistress was in the bedroom being serviced by a particularity well hung beast she'd found somewhere. Hmpf! I was better hung then it was! But she did like variety. It didn't bother me; she's a Sex Demoness, that's what she does for a living, but I was still moping anyway. I wanted to be servicing her, damn it to Gliznak! And there were no scheduled visits by amorous fire demoness's for me to service today and I was HORNY, or hornier then usual. I heard another roar of pleasure from my Mistress and a bellow from the beast, it was SO unfair!
I thought about setting off the fire alarm, but didn't think it would be worth it as she'd probably mop up the floor with me. I set it off enough by accident anyway; the local fire brigade hated my guts. All I had to do was walk near the thing and my body heat would set it off, when you have what is basically hot lava for blood it tends to do that.
About this time I noticed a commotion in the hall; several Imps ran past with a demon Overseer right behind them, all shrieking in terror. I ignored it at first as it really wasn't that unusual, they did that a lot. However when an even larger group stampeded past, including a Head Overseer, I started to take more notice as I figured something was up. I sat up and looked at the door, and the plant bounced the ball off of my head with a giggle. Then I caught a whiff of something really nasty. I looked at the plant and said.
"PU! Did YOU do that?" But the plant just shrugged its tentacles.
I caught another more powerful whiff, ugh, that is NASTY! Another group of screaming Imps, beasts, and more demons ran past the door, many holding their noses and making gagging sounds which was pretty impressive as most of us have no gag reflex, we can't barf. Oh NO, by Ba'als six balls, I thought, the sewers must have backed up again! It happened about once a week and always caused this kind of reaction. If not for the smell I'd have guessed that Great Lord Ba'al or some other demon lord had shown up unannounced (they like to do that, scares the Hell out of the help), or, horrors, maybe Great Lord Ba'al HAD shown up AND the sewers were overflowing! I'd figured that was bound to happen sooner or later, after all this WAS Hell.
The smell was getting really bad now and my eyes were starting to water, and believe you me it WAS a really NASTY smell. Being where I was nasty smells were fairly common, but to make MY eyes water it had to be really special. About this time my Mistress contacted me via our mind link since I'm her familiar as well as loyal doggy dragon and great admirer.
"Pet, what did you do now? I've told you about going in the office!" she asked in her "I know you're up to something" voice. Usually she's right, but not this time.
"Nothing my Mistress, I swear it wasn't me, I think the plant did it!" The plant promptly gave me the finger and giggled again, that's the only sound it can make except for a creepy wailing noise. It likes to sneak up on me while I'm sleeping and do that, scares the crap out of me every time too. I whizzed in its pot once though, so that makes us pretty much even I guess.
By this time the nasty stench was so bad you could almost see it, and I could hear something large and squishy sounding coming down the hall. I moved over and hid behind the desk with just the top of my head showing, the better part of valor as far as I was concerned. When you're in doubt, hide, you'll live longer.
Then a large brown gushy nasty stinking blob thing forced its way through the doorway making really gross plopping, farting, and pooping sounds. Ewwwwww, I thought. I'd seen some pretty gross stuff in Hell, but this added whole new meaning to the word and went straight to the top of the list. It was brown and lumpy and had peanuts and corn in it, and pieces of trailing toilet paper. I was holding my nose by now and was cross eyed, and trying desperately not to breathe.
"MISTRESS!" I yelled in her mind, "A GIANT TURD JUST OOZED INTO THE ROOM! WHAT DO I DO! PLEASE DON'T TELL ME TO ATTACK IT!"
Then the really gross, nasty, stinky, horrible thing saw me and started moving towards the desk. "MISTRESS!" I screeched and made a break for the door to the Office Supplies closet, but that rotten plant had already beaten me to it and shut the door and locked it in my face. "LEMME IN, Pleeeasssse!" I screamed. The framed picture of Hitler said "Was ist, das riecht? Was starb? PU!" And when he saw the blob ooze past he said "Ach in Himmel!" and dived under his own desk. It was following me, and trying to touch me! "AAAAAAAHIISSS! MIISSTTRREESS!"
You may think I was a wuss, being an indestructible seven hundred pound demon dragon with the ability to make steel burst into flame from my touch or blast, but if you'd SEEN this thing you'd have headed for the hills too! It was totally the grossest, nastiest, smelliest, most repulsive thing I had ever seen or imagined, and I have quite an imagination!
"MISTRESS!" I screamed, both very vocally and in her mind, "HELLPP! IT'S AFTER ME!" and charging through the hallway door leading to her private chambers I ran into her and her beast lover and we all went sprawling in a big heap of hissing, bellowing, waving tails, "What the fuck! HIISS!" she yelled. I got to my feet and ran down the hall and dived under her bed and was joined seconds later by the beast which was a rather large bull, so it was tight fit, but we managed. "What the HELL is that thing?" I asked the bull, but it just looked and me and shrugged, "Moo, UH dunno." I was brave and would defend my Mistress to the death, but there are limits to everything. Besides she'd told me to stop attacking everything that came into the office so I figured I had a good reason for hiding as she hadn't told me to not to yet, so for once I followed orders. But if she did call I'd do my best, oh yes I would. Nobody but NOBODY messes with my Mistress when I'm around.
"Ohhh Pet, come here please. HISSS!" I heard in my mind.
"Is it gone yet?" I asked hopefully.
"NO, I want you to meet our esteemed guest." She replied.
"You're kidding, right? Do I have too?" I answered.
"YES, now get your scaly butt in here and stop being rude!" She hissed.
"OK, I'm coming Mistress, be right there." I lied.
Even where I was the smell was incredible, but I suddenly had an idea. I ran into her bathroom and grabbed a Tidy Bowl urinal cake out of her private stash, but instead of eating it I broke it in half and stuck the pieces up my nostrils. Oh yes, MUCH better! Now I might survive.
I walked down the hallway, my claws clicking on the floor with the bull following me adding his own clopping sounds. I stuck my head around the door and was relieved to see Mr. Poopy wasn't waiting to give me a hug or something. He was over by the desk again and my Mistress was talking to him. The bull ran past me holding his nose and disappeared down the hallway bellowing. I almost followed him, but my Mistress saw me, and said,
"Ah, pet, come here and meet Lord Glorp. He's heard a lot about you." She said.
It wasn't my fault all the toilets backed up, I had to go somewhere! It HAD to be about that, I thought. Why else would a giant turd come looking for me, I'd probably wrecked his home or something. And I thought I'd gotten away with it, silly me.
"Ahm sowwy, Ah dent men tu du it." I said.
"Pet, what the HELL as are you talking about, and why do you sound so funny, and what are those things stuck in your nostrils?" She asked in an incredulous voice.
"Eranal caks, u wont sum?" I replied. "Ah hav mo."
"NO, but good idea. Now stop being rude and come over here, NOW!" she hissed in that "I've just about HAD it" tone of voice.
"Ywes Mistwiss" I said as I slunk over to the table and hid behind her chair.
If it tries to touch me again I'm frying it, demon Lord or not! I thought. Then it started talking again. I can't describe the sounds it made, kind of like a herd of elephants with diarrhea, but I understood it perfectly, but then again I can understand anything in Hell, we all can. Otherwise it would be impossible to get anything done. I tried not to look too closely, but couldn't help myself. It looked like a crap version of the Pillsbury Doughboy, but I sure as HELL wasn't going to poke it in the stomach, and it constantly had STUFF dripping off of it, but the gunk just flowed back into it so it didn't actually leave anything behind which was GREAT because I sure as HELL wasn't going to clean up after it!
"So, this is your famous Seeker Vulva dear, does he always act like this with guests? I tried to give me him my card so he could announce me, but he freaked out. "
I usually try to eat guests, I thought, but in your case I made an exception, and you'd freak out too if something that looks like it crawled out of a toilet started chasing you around! And it tried to TOUCH me! Uggh!
"Mistress, I asked in her mind, What IS it?"
"Lord Glorp is a very important Shit Demon from the 9th Level." She replied.
"So he's the head floater?" I replied, "No offense but the last time I saw something like him I used a plunger on it and sent it back where it came from."
"Pet, now be NICE! He's actually a fairly nice, um, thing. Be friendly, he wants to hire your services." She hissed.
"Oh, Mistress, GROSS, You've GOT to be kidding! I think I'm gonna puke!" I said.
"You can't." she replied.
"Wanna bet?" I said, and gave it the old college try. But she was right; I just ended up making some really creative barfing noises. "Ak, ak, ak, Raaalllpphh!"
Our mental exchange just took a couple of seconds and she finally had enough of my less than enthusiastic response to her hiring me out to Mr. Poopy.
"PET, you stand up right now and be polite and let Lord Glorp have a good look at you! Or I'll let Equa shove you anywhere she wants too!"
Gulp! "Yes Mistress, I hear and obey oh busty one!"
"GOOD, she said, now say hello to the nice Shit Demon. Hisssss!"
"Hewo, pweased tu met u" I obediently said, but I didn't offer to shake hands, my front hands are more like paws or talons anyway as I AM a dragon you know. And if she told me to touch him I'd take Equa any day. Equa is a horse like Vore Demoness that eats things with her pussy, and frankly about now that was starting to sound pretty good. Poop or pussy, think about it.
"Hmmm, El Stinko, said, he certainly is small for a Dragon, but large for a seeker. If he's as good as you say I guess he'll do. Are you sure he's good enough?
Bet mine is bigger than yours, if you have one, I thought.
Vulva replied, "Oh yes, he's quite accomplished. I can provide references if you would like."
"Mistress, tell him about the Nutsy Nazi, that was a good one!" I said.
"We can't, remember we have to keep quiet about that one, pet! We were paid off. Hiss" she replied.
"Deutschland, Deutschland Uber Alles!" I started to sing as I goose stepped. "Hey, das ist ein gutes!" I heard Hitler say from under his desk.
Vulva's tail lashed over my rump, "KNOCK IT OFF!" she hissed. "Yelp!"
Lord Glorp (good name!) said, "Very well then, he'll do. The standard fee, I would presume? Excellent, I will have it transferred your account along with the information on the target. Good day, Vulva." And it squished and farted off out the door.
"Gwud bie, Mistuh Gworp, sta awy frm pungers, hab a niece day. Don cum agn!" I said. And someone please flush twice! Ugggh!
SMACK, Vulva's tail knocked me over and knocked the urinal cake pieces out of my nostrils and my eyes started watering again. WHACK! "PET, I said be NICE, Mr. Glorp happens to be a very important customer, and he IS scared of plungers! That was MEAN!" SMACK! Yipe, yipe, hisssss! "Now you GET back in here!"
"NO!" I said from where I'd taken refuge under the bed again, "You'll hit me again!" She tried to grab me a couple of times but I was too fast for her, I'm good at dodging if it means I can avoid pain. Avoiding pain is my favorite hobby, too bad I'm not very good at it. Finally she gave up and sat down on the bed.
"Oh Pet, she said, what I do to deserve you, my little jelly bean."
"You raped me and turned me into a demon, I said, so what did you expect?" But I was starting to feel, well, like a shit, so I started licking her legs. I really do love my Mistress, with all that's left of my soul.
"I'm sorry Mistress, he was just so, so GROSS."
"Yes, she said, Lord Glorp does have that effect on demons; on anything, as a matter of fact, even inanimate objects."
I thought about that for a second, and found I could believe it. I decided to take a chance, so crawled out from under the bed and pressed my head against her stomach, hissing in apology.
"I'm sorry Mistress, I'll do an extra good job for the smelly guy, I promise." I really would do ANYthing for my Mistress.
She started scratching my head, right at the base of my horns. Ohhhh yeah, right there! I thought, as I hissed in delight and rubbed my head against her and licked her stomach. She took my horns and pulled my muzzle down between her legs. OHHH YEAH! I thought as I began to run my tongue over her vagina, then into it. Happy Days are here again, Doo Dah, Doo Dah!
The best time to catch my Mistress for sex is if she's just had an unsatisfactory liaison or was interrupted, like with the bull beast. If she's frustrated and left wanting, ohh boy! Like I said, she's a SEX demoness and getting laid as often as possible is part of her job, and she excels at it. Believe you me I know, and since she made me part of that rubbed off on me, it does on all of her creations. We are a very randy insatiable bunch of demon kind, which is just FINE with us. And now I was getting to do what I did best, and with my favorite partner. Like I said, Happy Days!
I eagerly thrust my muzzle between her legs and started licking and lapping her mound and lips, and then slowly sliding my busy tongue into her, then out gain, then in deeper, and so on. I drew it out for as long as she would let me as I know what she likes and I take pleasing and pleasuring my Mistress most seriously. The fact I enjoy it as much as her is a very nice side benefit. Finally I opened my jaws wide and clamped them over her crotch with my tongue as deep inside of her as possible, and she grasped my horns and gave deep hisses and grunts of pleasure as she watched me at work. By now of course I was rock hard and rampant, and I whimpered my need. Vulva is, if anything, a professional, and she prefers her partners to enjoy themselves as much as her, even when she's raping them. Call it professional pride. So when she heard my plea she pushed my head away and I stood up, and she took me in her mouth and started sucking and licking me, even running her tongue down inside of me a little, which drew out my penis's nether tongue and her tongue wrapped around it and, OH! I put my front feet on her shoulders and licked her head and muzzle, grunting my own pleasure.
Then she started swallowing me as I gave guttural groans of lust, and finally she reached my vent and ran her tongue inside of it, and OH that was so very special! I'm pretty big, even by dragon standards. A good twenty-four plus inches, not counting my nether tongue which adds another ten inches but is not hard, and so thick you couldn't put your thumb and forefinger around my penis without an inch to spare, and she took every inch and I could feel myself deep down her throat. She made little muffled bleating hissing sounds as she sucked and tongued me, then as slowly as she had swallowed me she pulled away, entwining my nether tongue with her own. "URRGGH! HISSSSS!" I gasped as I slid free from her mouth and she gave me one last long lick with her tongue. She said in a deeper then usual throaty voice, "Pleasure your Mistress, slave, and do not stop until I order you!" If I had been lucid at that point I would have saluted and said "YES MA'M!", but as the beast I am had taken over all I did was snarl as I pushed her over on the bed and mounted her with a great bellowing roar of lust.
I pushed against her lips with the head of my penis, and then with a powerful lunge I penetrated her. She threw her legs wide and clamped them around my body in front of my hind legs, and our tails wrapped around one another as we locked together. It took me several thrusts to stretch her wide enough to take me to the hilt, and we both enjoyed that immensely, and once inside I settle down to regular thrusts and strokes, hissing and growling at the incredible pleasure, her own grunts and squeals adding to our symphony of lust. Normally she has me mount her from behind, so this was an extra treat for me. I lowered my head and rolled her large erect nipples between my lips, then opening my mouth took one her incredibly beautiful perfect breasts between my fangs and gently bit down while I lathered her breast and nipple with my tongue and she moaned and grabbed at my muzzle and horns, her head to one side with her tongue lolling out of the side of her mouth. I alternated between breasts for awhile, increasing and decreasing my strokes as I could tell from her sounds and facial expressions when she was experiencing the most pleasure. She was the Mistress, I was the slave, my own pleasure was secondary and she had trained me well. Finally she gave a gasp, and grabbing my muzzle pulled my head down to her face and we locked jaws and kissed in the manner of our kind. It was a brutal bestial kiss, our fang
lined jaws locked together, we do not have the soft lips of humans, our tongues eagerly exploring one another's mouth and throat, often twinning together. As we kissed I roughly kneaded her breasts as long as I could maintain enough control for that human part of love making, but then with a slobbery muffled roar I switched my front legs to her shoulder and pinned her, and pulling away from our kiss I began thrusting as hard and as fast as I could, both of us screaming in ecstasy, animals only now, as I brought us both to our first of many massive orgasms. She shrieked and clawed at me, her hooves drumming on my sides as she bucked and writhed under my weight, and I threw back my head and roared. When it was over I gently licked and caressed her muzzle and mouth with my tongue as she panted for breathe. She licked her black rubbery lips a few times and said, "Oh Pet, that was very nicely done, you do know how to pleasure a female. Your Mistress is most pleased." To me that was the greatest praise I could hope for, and we were just getting started!
I growled and started thrusting again, but slow and steady, and she scrunched up her face and gave a pleased gasp. "Already, my Pet?, oh very good!" I kept humping her with slow steady thrusts as she whimpered and licked my muzzle and chest, and I gasped in pleasure, my eyes shut and my tongue hanging out of the side of my mouth. Slowly I started to speed up, gradually at first, then faster and faster and she shrieked and went crazy under me, but I had her pinned and she was helpless, and again we both climaxed at almost the exact same moment, our mutual sounds of agonized sexual ecstasy reverberating throughout her quarters and far down the tunnels and corridors of her domain, and many of the demons and others who heard smiled as they knew their Mistress was being well and truly serviced, and not a few were jealous as they too had been there ,done that. It was one of the greatest rewards she offered her loyal slaves. A visit to the Mistress's bed chambers was a very great honor, and if you did a good job you might get a return trip.
I collapsed across her, my head lying on the bed as I slobbered and hissed, and she grasp me to her and made soft sounds of contentment. But our tails were still entwined, and I knew what that meant. As soon as I was able I reared back up and looked down at her, my tongue hanging from my mouth with drool dripping from it, and my drool bursts into flame when it hits anything. But being a Sex demoness she is one of the few non-fire demonkind who can couple with one such as me, and she reached up with her own tongue and wrapped it around mine. I gave a guttural growl and started to thrust again, and she opened her eyes wider and gave a grunt of her own, a big smile on her face. Oh yes, I do know what my Mistress expects of her slaves. And this time I took her as a one animal takes another, with powerful rapid strokes and lunges, both of us shrieking and roaring, bucking and tearing at one another in our lust, and towards the end I reached down and bit her throat with a deep growl to pin her as her struggles were becoming increasingly desperate and I gave another muffled roar as I came and came, and she bucked and howled her own pain and pleasure. It went on and on until I gave a final guttural squeal and slid out of and collapsed on the ground from sheer exhaustion. She slid down next to me and took my head in her lap, and leaning over she kissed me again, and said, "Oh yes, my Pet, you are a most useful beast indeed." And I squealed in pleasure and kicked my hind legs.
Had she instructed me to service her again I would have, gladly, but we were both very much satisfied and spent as I DO know what I'm doing. But it was mutual clean up time and that was a real treat too. She licked and cleaned me, then lifted her tail for me to return the favor. I took my time, enjoying her musky burnt cinnamon scent and the taste of our mutual pleasure, and somewhat to my surprise, and her great delight, I made her come again with my tongue and was well rewarded with a fresh flow of delicious fluids which I eagerly lapped up, not letting a drop go to waste. When I was through she hugged me again and I gave soft little croons and squeals of pure delight as she scratched the base of my horns and behind my neck shield, it was lovely! I followed her back into the office, still rubbing my head against her side and making loving hisses as I DO so love my Mistress. Without her I would be, literally, nothing.
Then the smell hit us again, Mr. Poopy may not have left anything behind physically, but he sure made up for it in the olfactory area. The place reeked and stank; I can't begin to describe the incredible stench. I mean, hadn't the guy ever heard of deodorant? But I guess if you're made out of shit it wouldn't make much difference if you did.
My Mistress said, "Pet, do we have any more urinal cakes left? Hisss."
"Yuh-huh" I replied, holding my nose.
"Please get some, would you dear." She said, tears running from her eyes.
"Wit pweasure." I replied, and took off back down the hall to her bathroom.
As I entered her bedroom I found the bed was on fire as a result of our love fest so I tried to put it out but it was pretty much a useless effort. I tried using handfuls of water that I scooped from the toilet, but it always turned to steam before I got to the bed. And my attempt at putting it out by beating at it with another sheet only made it worse as that sheet burst into flame too. About this time I became aware that I had an audience. My Mistress, becoming irritated at my taking so long, had come back down the hallway and was leaning against the door frame watching my rather pitiful attempts at fire fighting, or starting, take your pick.
"Oh Pet, can't I leave you alone for one minute?" She had her face in the crook of one arm and I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying. About this time the fire alarm went off. "Oh Pet!" She hissed, then slid down the side of the door and I realized she was laughing uncontrollably.
I dropped the blazing sheet onto the bed, it couldn't do any harm, and dropping to all fours I crept over to my Mistress, and gently licked off her tears while she shrieked in laughter and hugged me. Finally I went to the bathroom and got the urinal cakes, I ate four of them, and breaking two into pieces we stuck them up our noses and bravely ventured back to the main office, and arrived just in time to greet the fire fighting crew.
The first Imp in the door took one sniff, let out a squealing bleat of disgust, and shaking her head tried to back out the door still holding the hose. The ones behind her tried to push forward and soon the door was a traffic jam of kicking squealing Imps and their demon Overseer. At the sight of us standing in the far doorway with urinal cakes stuck up our noses and Mistress Vulva helpless with more laughter they all froze and backed slowly out the door, dropped their firefighting equipment, and took off back down the tunnel shedding their helmets and asbestos suits, the Overseer in hot pursuit shrieking death threats at them to
no avail. The sight of their Mistress laughing had scared them more than anything else, usually if a demon laughs it means they've thought up something really rotten to do to someone or something.
We managed to get across the room safely, and just ignored the plaintive pleading voice from Hitler's photograph, "Halloo, Is it safe to come out, ist Herr Gestankmeister gone? Hallo?" I also noticed that a lot of the plants in the living photo of the naked girl eating giant snake demon had died and there was no sign of the snake or his latest snack. Even the regular photo of Nancy Pelosi was holding her nose. Like my Mistress said, even inanimate objects can be affected by a stink like that. And the stupid plant was still holed up in the Office Supplies closet.
You know, I thought. If we'd been able to film all of this we'd win Hell's Funniest Home videos claws down.
We staggered out into the hallway and followed the fading screams and bleats of the valiant firefighting crew. The only one who had stood his ground was the Overseer, and he was terrified. He was almost incoherent as he bowed to Mistress Vulva, and said,
"M-My Mistress, Baaaaa, I am so s-s-sorry, bleat, I beg your forgiveness, hiss, I will punish them a-a-all, Baaaa, severely." And he trembled.
I felt sorry for him; if I had smelled that (come to think of it I had) I'd have run screaming too (in fact I had, more than once). My Mistress was most gracious. She CAN be under standing at times, really.
"Ting nuding ob it, slav. Wiss." She said, "Id us an undwerstabanble weackton".
The poor Overseer just stared at her, his eyes rolling in fear; I could tell he hadn't understood a word she'd said.
"Um, Mistress? Hiss, Hiss, Hiss!", I said, and pulled on her fur to get her attention.
"Wud, ped?" she leaned over and said. I reached up and pulled the urinal cakes out of her nose and ate them. "Oh, thank you pet, forgot about that." Then she turned back to the Overseer, whose eyes were bulging out even farther if that was possible.
"I said; Think nothing of it, Slave. It was an understandable reaction." She hissed. "Now reassemble your crew, or a new one, and take care of it. I want my quarters cleaned from top to bottom, TWICE. And slave, if I detect any unwanted aromas when I return I will NOT be so forgiving. Do you understand, Hiiisss?"
"Yes Mistress!" The greatly relieved Overseer replied, then asked, "Um, Mistress, what about the fire?"
"Oh, too late I'm afraid, my Pet here saw to that." She said in that "I'm going to have a little talk about this with you later voice" and I cringed. "And now, for us, bath time! Hiss."
I perked up at that. A nice hot molten sulphur bath was just what we needed to burn that nasty stink off our scales and fur. As we passed the Overseer I said out of the corner of my mouth, "You don't know how lucky you are dude; she's in a good mood.
"I heard that! HISS!" she said.
"Eeeep!" I squeaked.
We entered one of the baths that serve our kind, and the attendants handed her some large coarse towels, holding their noses. I don't blame them, we reeked. Of course, no towels for me, but it is funny to see their faces when an attendant that doesn't know me hands me one and it bursts into flames. I ran past her with a loud hiss and cannon balled into the largest molten sulphur pool in the place. It was a nice big one, plenty of room, more like a small swimming pool.
I paddled around on my back for awhile, and then seeing my Mistress was leaning back against the side with her eyes closed I slowly submerged until just the top of my head and eyes were showing. Time to play U-Boat captain, I thought. I sank out of sight and a trail of bubbles slowly approached my Mistress. "Torpedoes Los!" I thought with glee, and bit her on th tip of her tail, then went into "run silent, run deep" mode.
"What the fuck!" Vulva said and sat up. "PET, where are you!"
She didn't see me surface at the far end of the pool, take a quick look, and then re- submerge to start another run. Down periscope, Ve haf vays to make you squeal! I thought, Fire all tubes! This time I struck fast and deadly, and bit her on her lovely butt. She shrieked and jumped up, then yelled,
"PET, Knock it OFF, you little twerp!"
Achtung! I thought as I whistled "We Sail Against England" in my head. Now for a surface action! With a roar I surfaced and dunked her from behind, and she went under with a loud enraged screech. "GORP! %&*@$^#!" Aaa-oohgah! Dive! Dive! I dove again, and escaped at flank speed.
In the next pool over a rather large and an imposing Demon Lord had been watching my deadly sneak attacks with amusement. A large pig demon sitting in the pool next to him and reading a paper looked up when he heard Vulva screech.
"What's all the hubbub, Beelzebub old chap, say what?"
The Demon Lord replied, "Oh, it's just Vulva and her Pet, they're at it again."
The pig demon said "Oh, bad show that, she lets that bounder get away with bloody murder, most unprofessional."
The demon lord replied, "Yes, I quite agree Markus old bean, but they DO seem to have a lot of fun."
The pig demon just snorted "Fun! The very idea, humphf! And it sets a bad impression for the help, last week one of my Imps short-sheeted my bed! Most annoying to say the least, squuee!"
By now I had snuck into the boiling mud pool while Vulva was still depth charging the sulphur pool.
"PET, Where ARE you! HISSS!!" She hissed as she felt around for me.
I watched with as little of me showing as possible as she finally gave up her search of the sulphur pool, and climbing out came searching for me elsewhere. With a gurgle I submerged, down periscope, target spotted!
"When I find you Pet, HIISS! I'm going to-YAAAAAA!" she yelled as I struck and pulled her into the bubbling mud pool. SPLASH, GURGLE, SPLUTTER!" She surfaced and yelled "I am going to give you such a-GLURK" she said as I dunked her, then I swam to the far side of the pool with just the top of my head and tip of my tail showing like a crocodile. "Hiisss!"
The pig demon, his paper ruined by the geyser of mud Vulva's rude entry into the mud pool had caused, said,
"Oh, I say, bad show! Rotters!" And he left snorting in annoyance.
The Demon Lord just chuckled. Then he reached into the mud and felt around until he found me, and grabbing me by the neck he lifted me out of the mud, hissing and flailing in anger at the unexpected attack, and called,
"Oh Vulva, are you looking for this dear lady?" the Demon Lord said.
"HEY! Raaaarrgghh! HISS! Schweinehund! Rat Fink!" I snarled. "Lemme go! HISS!"
Vulva wiped the mud out of her eyes, and saw me. "Oh, thank you my Lord, I was looking for my playful little pet, oh yes indeed, hisss!" and started wading towards us.
I was panicking by now; I'd seen that look in her face, even through the mud, too many times.
"Lemme go, lemme go! I said. Please! You don't know what she'll do to me you big fat jerk!"
His only response was to shake me till I went limp. He dropped me in front of Vulva, who promptly dunked me and sat on me.
"Why thank you Lord Beelzebub, he can be kind of hard to catch sometimes. It's been awhile since I saw you last, how's tricks?" She asked.
"Yes, he is a bit of an artful dodger, isn't he" the Demon Lord chuckled. "Still, why do you let him carry on so, it is somewhat undignified."
By now I was struggling frantically, I still hadn't quite accepted the fact I don't really need to breathe anymore as I don't have what you'd call lungs, but old habits die hard. So the mud was churning and heaving from my struggles, with my tail breaking the surface every now and then along with lots of bubbles. "I'm gonna die!" I wailed in her mind, "Miissttrreess!" "Gurgle, glick, gargle!"
Vulva reached under the mud and petted her struggling pets head tenderly. "He does take some getting used to, I must admit." She said to Beelzebub. "And he can be annoying at times, Hiss, but I make allowances as he is special. He's my familiar and if not for him I would have been dissipated and ceased to exist, and he does make me laugh. I must admit I've grown rather fond of the little lizard. At least with him around life can be, well, rather interesting."
"Ah, said the Lord, so he's the one I've heard about, Great Lord Ba'al spoke rather highly of him, most unusual as you know as our Lord is frugal with praise. He is a Seeker too, I believe?"
"Did he?" Vulva said with surprise. "I must say that does surprise me. And yes, he is a Seeker. A rather good one as a matter of fact, though I must admit somewhat unconventional in his approach at times. He has yet to fail on a mission though and has had some real doozies."
About that time she realized the struggles and bubbles had ceased, so she fished around in the mud and grabbed her pet by the throat and lifted him out of the mud. He looked at her and said, "Glank u Mistwiss" through a mouthful of mud. She stuck him back under the mud and sat on him again, and the struggles started again.
Beelzebub gave another chuckle, "Quite energetic, isn't he? Tell me, where did you get him? I thought I knew of all the Seekers, there are so few of them."
"Oh yes, my Lord, he can be QUITE energetic, and is quite accomplished at certain, um, extracurricular activities. Hiss. And he is one of mine, sacrificed to me by the Beautre sisters about five years ago."
"The Beautre sisters!" The Demon lord exclaimed, "I thought Vulkrebs got them a few years ago. Are those two miscreants still running around loose? They give Sorcery a bad name."
Vulva sighed, "Yes, unfortunately they are. But they do live up to their bargains so what's a demoness to do? We've got some very special things in store for them though, and MY Seeker gets to fetch them when the time comes. They almost killed the poor thing before I got a hold of him. He is very much looking forward to making their re-acquantence, oh indeed he is." Then remembering her pet she reached down into the mud again and lifted him up. He just said "Glurk, gag!" this time, so she just dropped him and he floated on his back kicking feebly, and made funny gagging sounds as he coughed up globs of mud.
"Well, it's been fun, Vulva dear, but afraid I must dash. Things to do, people to kill, all that sort of rot. But I will be paying a visit later in the week to discuss the services of your Seeker, put me down for a, let us say, four hour visit on Thursday afternoon? If you have the time to get reacquainted that is, dear lady."
"Done! Said Vulva, I will be looking forward to it My Lord!" and she watched as the huge Demon Lord climbed out of the mud pool. She almost drooled at the sight of his genitals. Oh yes, she thought, I will be looking forward to it very much indeed! She heard her pet say "Snarg, gargle, gleep!" and turned just in time to see his muzzle sink out of sight trailing bubbles. She reached under the mud and grabbed his tail, and dragging him out of the mud pool she threw him into the boiling water pool, which began to boil even more, and watched as he flailed and hissed.
I surfaced with a gasp, spitting globs of mud all over the place, much to the displeasure of the Imps running the bath house, but nuts to them. "Ack, gag, fooey!" I roared. "Mistress, you almost drowned me!"
"No I didn't, she said, you can't drown, you don't breathe you silly beast."
"Well, it FELT like it!" I said in a huff, and swam over to the other side of the pool to mope. "Barf, gag, hack!" I said as I coughed up more big glop's of mud. "You SCARED me!" Whine.
"Pet, she said, come here, come to your Mistress."
"Don't wanna!" I replied, but an order was an order so I swam over to her and tired to pout. "And who was that big creep that grabbed me anyway, what a butthead!"
"Pet, watch what you say. That was Lord Beelzebub. You're lucky he was in a good mood, he usually doesn't respond well to insults from slaves. Pet, where are you going! HIISS!"
"To hide, I said, he's probably gone to get Equa! I'll come back when the coast is clear, in about, say, a hundred years." She knew I was kidding though.
"Pet, come HERE, NOW!" She hissed.
"Yes Mistress, I said. I swam up next to her and started licking some mud she'd missed off her muzzle and head. She closed her eyes and sighed.
"Pet?" She said.
"Yes My Mistress" I replied as I kept grooming her.
"Don't ever change, stay just the way you are." Vulva told her slave in a serious voice.
I gave a squeal of happiness, "Yes, My Mistress, your humble slave hears and obeys!" and she grabbed me and dunked me, and it was ON! As usual, she won.
Then fun time was over, and it was time for my next mission, time to dispatch Agent 00.7 on his next adventure. So we left, much to the relief of the bath house crew and other patrons, and headed towards the nearest pentagram projection room. We passed a determined looking group of Imps and Overseers on their way to Mistress Vulva's quarters to clean the place up. They were wearing full environmental suits and gasmasks, and one was pushing a dolly with a 50 gal. drum of "Super Industrial Strength" cleaning fluid. I wished them luck.
When we reached the pentagram projection booth I was relieved to see there was a different operator from the one I usually got. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding over my GAY harness the other operator tended to pop me up in the middle of major highways during rush hour, not fun. Hopefully this Imp was more professional. Mistress Vulva gave her the coordinates, I climbed up on the platform, crouched and wrapped my wings around myself, and suddenly I was somewhere else.
And was falling through thin air. "WHOA!" I hissed, and snapped my wings open and went into a shallow dive, then flapping I came to a halt and took a look around. I was WAY high up in the air, in the clouds as a matter of fact. What the heck? I looked around and couldn't see a beacon anywhere. It was cold, and even though I really don't feel it because of my body temperature, I still shivered. I am a creature of molten lava and steam; I do NOT like the cold. Something must have gone wrong! I contacted Vulva with my mind link.
"Mistress! Big goof up, I'm about 30,000 feet up in the air and NO beacon to be seen. I think that operator failed Pentagram Operations 101. Can I bite her when I get home?
"We'll see Pet; let me see if I can find out anything." She turned and gave the operator her famous "You're toast if you've screwed up" look that has struck terror into her slaves for thousands of years. The poor thing nearly dropped dead. "WELL??? I'M WAITING, SLAVE, HIIISSS!"
"Please Mistress, it grunted in terror, the coordinates are correct, please, see for yourself great one!"
With a growling hiss that caused the operator to collapse, she stalked over to the spell stand, her tail lashing back and forth. If this Imp was wasting her and her pets valuable time the Imp-eating plant was going to get a treat! "HIISSS!" she said. She carefully checked the spell settings, and was satisfied that indeed the setting were those she had given, so if it was anyone's fault it was Mr. Glorp's, stupid Shit Demon she thought. She reached over and picked up the terrified Imp and put her on her hooves. She told it,
"You spoke the truth, the error is not yours. Tell your Overseer to promote you to the next level, that I am satisfied with your performance, hiss!" The Imp looked at her in amazement, and stammered "Yes Mistress, T-thank you!" Vulva just made shooing motions and the Imp shut up.
"Pet, are you sure? The coordinates check out, the Imp sent you to the right location. Hiss."
I spun around and looked again, nope, nothing. I was about to contact her again when all of a sudden I heard a faint noise. I'd heard it before, but didn't recognize it right away. It was coming from, behind me!
I turned just in time to see a huge passenger jet come out of the bank of clouds behind me. I don't know if you've ever tried to run backwards in the air, but it doesn't work. "AAAAAIIIIEEHIIIISSSSS!" SPLAT! I found myself stuck to the nose of the plane, staring at the pilots from just a couple feet away through the cockpit windows. "AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEHHIISSS" I shrieked, with the exact same sentiments echoed by the pilots and navigator, which were added to when a hostess opened the cockpit door to see what all the screaming was about. Then I was sucked off the nose, into the No. 2 engine, and spit out the other side and fell shrieking towards the ground far below trailing pieces of metal. It was so unfair.
"Holy Crap Captain, did you see that!" yelled the Co-pilot. The Captain pretty much ignored him as they'd lost Engine No. 2 and he was busy diverting more power to the other engines to try and maintain altitude, and yelled into his headset declaring an emergency. Then he yelled at the hostess to shut the fuck up and get out of the cockpit! "Holy Crap Captain, did you see that!" yelled the co-pilot again, even as he helped the Captain with emergency procedures. The Captain wasn't going to admit to seeing anything, just a big ugly bird, he knew better than to say "Hello, ground control, we just sucked a red dragon into one of our engines." An old Spanish lady who happened to be looking out the window saw everything "Madre de Dios! El Diablo!" She thought, and started doing a rosary.
Of course I was unaware of this, and didn't really give a damn about what happened to the jet, it won as far as I was concerned. I'm tough, but getting sucked through a jet turbine was a whole new experience in pain even for something like me. My wings were shredded and I fell flapping desperately, but was only able to slow my descent towards the ground far below. I squealed and shrieked and hissed and made other rather creative sounds as I tumbled through the air completely out of control. I could hear my Mistress calling in my mind but I was busy at the moment, so didn't answer. I broke through the last of the cloud cover and found myself over a large factory or power station of some kind that I caught glimpses of as I spun around and believe you me I really did wish I had a gag reflex at this point as I needed to puke something awful , "Eeerp! OHSHIII! AIIIEEEEHIISSS! YAAAAAH! MOOOMMMEEEEEE!!! Eeeerrrrppp!"
The factory complex got rapidly closer and it looked like an old coal burning power plant of some kind, the kind with those tall brick or concrete chimneys. As I got closer I realized I was heading straight for one of those same chimneys, and kicking and flailing I tried to change my course, to no avail. Figure the chances of falling 30,000 feet into an opening about ten feet wide like. Yep, you guessed it, I always did have shit for luck, or maybe it was because I was a demon, but more likely a combination of both. I never get a break, it's so unfair. So with a final shriek I disappeared into the two hundred foot chimney with a loud "FLOOMP!" and proceeded to bounce around inside of it on the way to the bottom, making more creative noises and scaring the crap out of some roosting pigeons. Come to think of it, it scared the crap out of me too. I burst through some old rusty grates and flues, landed in a large gooey pile of soot and bird crap, bounced five times, and cracked the bottom of the furnace. Then I lay there for a very long time and moaned, face down in several feet of years worth of bird dropping. Turns out that part of the plant was abandoned, so the only witnesses to my less then auspicious landing was a bunch of pissed off pigeons who showed their displeasure by adding to the already impressive pile of crap, it was like it was raining bird shit. How undignified. If my Mistress was still calling I didn't hear anything, I was OUT of it.
Finally I came to, and pushing my legs into the deep sludge of water, slime, bird crap, and soot I managed to stand up, and promptly fell down again. I'm pretty much indestructible, but I CAN be hurt, and I was. One leg was shattered and my wings were in shreds and I had to drag them as I couldn't even fold them. I was able to drag myself out of the chimney's base and into the main furnace where at least it wasn't so nasty. I was caked in a thick layer of gooey crap and soot and probably looked like a Shit Demon myself at this point; I know I certainly smelled like one. And I had been so nice and clean! "Waaaaah" I whimpered as I did my best to scrape some of it off of my face so I could at least see. Finally I could see and looked around the huge old furnace and there wasn't much to see.
"Pet, what happened!" my Mistress called frantically. "Where are you, what WAS that!"
Oh great, she saw everything I thought, I NEVER get a break! "Nothing much, I replied. I got sucked through a jet engine, fell 30,000 feet into a two hundred foot chimney, and am in an old furnace covered in bird shit, about par for the course."
"WHAT! HIIISSSS! Pet, why do you do these things!" She hissed.
"I didn't do it on purpose! I replied in indignation. And Mistress, I'm really hurt bad." And at that point I passed out again.
Vulva was getting frantic, she had felt her familiar's pain and knew he really was hurt bad, and now he wasn't responding to her calls again. Their kind could not be killed, only destroyed with great difficulty, but they could feel pain. And she truly loved her strange, sometimes irritating, but loyal to a fault, slave. She had just about decided to invoke the "outside interference" clause that would allow her to go to his aid if he met unexpected overwhelming resistance in performing his lawful duties a Seeker. She figured getting sucked through a jet engine qualified somehow, but he finally contacted her again.
"Mistress? It hurts really bad, are you there?" He moaned.
"Yes Pet, always! What's wrong?" she asked worriedly as she could feel he really was badly torn up.
"I think one of my rear legs is broken, and my wings are all torn up. I'm having trouble walking." I moaned. "It hurts."
"Pet, you said you're in a furnace, is it lit?" Vulva replied.
"No such luck, I replied with another moan, it's been dampened for a long time, nothing here but me and bunch of incontinent birds. Mistress, please, can I come home. It really hurts bad."
"Not yet, my pet, sorry. Since you have not actually been attacked you need to try and recuperate and complete your mission, it's the rules. I'm truly sorry my little jelly bean." She said in a concerned voice.
I really wish she wouldn't call me that, I thought. "Mistress, I'll do my best, but I need to rest for awhile." And I hissed as another agonizing pain shot through my leg. It was bent the wrong way, and I gave a wail of pain.
"Pet, she said. Are you near a lit furnace?"
"I think so Mistress, I replied. It's an old power plant; I saw smoking chimneys on the way down."
"Good! Try to get to a lit furnace and get inside, the heat will help ease the pain and you'll heal faster Pet!" She hissed.
"Yes Mistress, I'll call you again when I find one." Ooooh, the thought of a white hot blazing furnace sounded lovely! Don't forget what I am, to me it was the equivalent of a nice hot shower. But before I left the old furnace I had one more thing to do. I crawled back to the base of the chimney, stuck my head into it, and blasted a flume of super heated air up the chimney. "Take THAT you mangy avian SOB'S!" I shrieked as roasted pigeons fell with loud plops. Crap all over ME will you! HIIISSSSS!"
One of the engineers working the graveyard shift who happened to be looking out the window turned to his supervisor and said, "Hey Dan, did someone light off the old No. 4 furnace?" "Nope, replied Dan, why do you ask?" "Huh, could have sworn a big blast of flame just shot out of it. My bad, I guess." "Yeah, said Dan, you see some pretty weird stuff around here at night. I saw Elvis once."
As I limped toward the iron door to the furnace I could already feel my body healing itself, and it hurt like, well, Hell. It's very hard to hurt a demon, I mean I once caught an armor piercing tank shell that blew up in my face and walked away. But when we do get hurt it really HURTS! The only time I had been hurt worse than this was when a really rotten soul named Roger that I had been sent to collect almost disintegrated me with the light of heaven, and that had HURT like a bitch. The light of heaven does to demon kind what the sunlight does to vampires. Poof! My trip through the fascinating insides of a jet turbine hadn't hurt me that bad, but it had shredded my wings so I couldn't fly. It was the long fall onto concrete that smashed me up so bad. YOU try falling 30,000 feet and see what YOU feel like. So I figured I had a good excuse for taking my time. I had to pause every few feet and lay down to let the pain lessen so I could move again.
Finally I reached the iron door and it was welded shut, of course. I guess to try and keep curious idiots out of it, but bet they never thought there'd be an idiot inside of it! I tried to push it open, but it hurt too much, so finally I just blasted it and it turned into melted goo and I just pulled myself through the opening. I looked around and I could smell the fire, it was that way! So slowly I dragged myself towards the lovely heat. I turned out to be a furnace for the back-up boiler and had been dampened down, but was still lit. I opened it wide up and crawled inside and shut the door. Ohhh, it felt SO good! I lay on my belly and relished the healing flames. As I soaked up the heat and flames I felt myself start to heal much faster, and closing my eyes almost fell asleep at the relief.
Tony had come to the USA in the 1960's after his family had immigrated. He had worked for the power company ever since, but since he was uneducated and still spoke English fairly poorly he never was promoted very often. But he was still a valued employee as he hadn't missed a day of work in over fifty years and he'd forgotten more about furnaces and boilers then most engineers learned in college. When he reached retirement age the company decided that he could stay on as his health was still good, so they "promoted" him to the position of "Night supervisor" of the emergency furnace. Tony was so proud. He had gone to the bathroom, and returned just in time to see a big black smelly giant bat open the furnace door and crawl inside and shut it. Tony was a plain sober hard working fellow, and was also a devout Catholic, so he knew a demon when he saw one. Fingering his rosary he snuck up to the viewing port on the furnace door and looking through it. The demon was lying on its stomach and he thought it was sleeping at first, but then it opened its horrible expressionless eyes and wiggled its fingers and waved at him! "Madre de Dio!" he said, and turned and ran to the phone and pushed the button for the direct line to the control room.
Dan heard the phone beep, and saw the call was from the back-up furnace room. "Hey guys, it's Tony!" He said. Poor old guy never called, he liked to be left alone. He picked up the phone, "Control Room, this is Mr. Forrest. Hiya Tony, we got pizza, come on up and take a break!"
"Signore! Un grande demone e nel forno!" Tony blurted out. "Oh, uh, perdono, um, how you say? There is big grande brutto boogie-man in furnace, I see him big time, he uh, onda, uh wave a me! Io guiro!
Dan put his hand over the phone, and said "Hey guys, does Tony drink?" The other watch standers just shook their heads "no" or shrugged their shoulders. "Well, he's really worked up about something, but I can't understand what the hell he's saying."
In the meantime Tony, who had kept his eyes on the furnace, heard some funny sounds coming from it. Letting his curiosity get the best of him he walked over to the door again and looked through the port. The demon was walking around now and was pulling chunks of chemical build up off the sides of the furnace walls and was eating them, AND it was singing "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, really badly and off-key. Quello e orrible, suona come un serpent in un frullatore! Tony thought. He noticed the furnace was still set on high, so turned the valve to put it back on stand-by. He looked through the port again and jumped back when he found the demon staring back at him! It ran a long black forked tongue over its fangs and waved a finger at him "Uh-uh!" Then it opened the door, reached out, turned the furnace back to high, and shut the door again. Tony blinked, and ran back over to the phone,
"Signore, I no lika this! I, how you way? Finisca! I quit!" And he put on his coat, took his lunch pail, and ran out the door. When demons move in all good Catholics move out!
Dan looked up from the phone in surprise, "Hey guys, Tony just said he quit!" The supervisor said, "You're shitting me! Guess I'd better go down there and see what the hell is going on!"
I watched through the little port window as the fat little Italian guy packed up and left. Gee, too bad, guess I scared him. He shouldn't have tried to turn off the furnace though. I pulled some more pieces of build up off the walls and crunched them happily. They weren't brimstone or sulphur, but they had a nice toasty taste. I was feeling a LOT better, my leg just ached a little now and my wings were almost healed. I settled down again in the center of the furnace where it was hottest, and pulled pieces of jet engine turbine blades out of my nose, from between my fangs, and out of my butt. I was pretty sure I'd swallowed some too, but it didn't taste too bad, kind of metallically. Okay, now I had another pentagram operator Imp to kill when I got home. Getting sucked through a jet engine and spit out at 30,000 feet hadn't done much to improve my usually cheerful disposition either; in short I was royally pissed off.
"Pet, what are you doing now? Did you find a furnace?" My Mistress asked.
"Sure did, it's pretty nice too. I may make this a regular stopover, and the food is good." I replied.
"WHAT food. HISSS?" she asked.
"I'll tell you later Mistress, while I'm gnawing body parts off a certain Imp operator." I replied in an enraged voice.
"Pet, you leave her alone! The coordinates were correct, Mr. Glorp must have messed them up.
"That's because he's got SHIT for brains!" I snapped back.
"Hiss, hiss, hiss! Funny, but true!" Mistress Vulva replied. "Well, I guess it's time to bring you back after all, it'll be dawn in a couple of hours. Don't worry; I get the fee regardless since it's the clients fault."
What, me worry? Never! Grrrrrr, I thought, with visions of attacking Mr. Poopy with a giant plunger dancing in my head.
"Find a high place somewhere so you can see the pentagram beacon Pet, I'll get it as close as I can. Now come home, I have a surprise for you, my virile little slave! Hisss"
Uh-oh, surprises in Hell are usually NOT the good kind. "Um, OK Mistress, I'll let you know as soon as I'm in a good spot." I left the nice comfortable furnace, turned it back down, crawled out a large window, and climbed up to the roof, leaving the burned outline of my claws on the side of the building.
I didn't see the man watching my exit through the window in the door to the furnace room, but he saw me.
Dan answered the phone again, "Control Room, Mr. Forrest. What, is that you boss? Calm down, quit yelling! WHAT? Boss, hey Boss!" He looked at the rest of the workers in shock, "That was the supervisor, he says he quits too!"
I crouched on the edge of the roof like some sort of gargoyle, but was red instead of the usual grey color. Gargoyles are actually pretty nice folks when you get to know them. I was looking around for the return beacon when I suddenly spied the summoning beacon. A-Ha!
"Mistress, I see the beacon!" I called.
"You can't, I haven't activated the pentagram yet you silly beast!" She hissed.
"No, no, the summoning beacon! It's just a few miles away!" I hissed back.
"I don't know Pet, it's getting close to dawn. You need to be back home before then." She replied in a worried voice.
"I think I have time Mistress, its pretty close and no sign of dawn yet." I whined.
I wouldn't burst in to flame in sunlight or anything, but my eyes were very sensitive to bright sunlight and I'd pretty much be blind, plus I'd left my dark glasses behind. It is definitely not my environment, but it won't hurt me. The main problem was that having a 700 pound dragon from Hell running around in broad daylight was quite likely to make the evening news, and the bosses prefer their employees keep a low profile which I am NOT good at. I usually get noticed whether I want to or not.
I thought about climbing to the top of one of the chimneys and taking flight from there, but figured with my luck I'd probably fall in again. I shuddered, Ugh, NO way! So with a roar I launched myself into the air and flapped off towards my target with a bellow of anticipation.
I didn't notice all the people staring at me from the Control Room window, and the next day there was a record number of resignations at the local power plant.
A few days later when Great Lord Ba'al called to inquire about a headline in a human newspaper that read "Red Dragon in Gay harness Terrorizes Local Power Plant, numerous witnesses!" we just denied everything, while trying to keep from cracking up.
But of course that was later, so now back to the matter at hand. I flew towards the beacon as fast as I could. It was coming from a large impressive office building, a pretty tall little skyscraper. I flew around it a few times and thought I'd try flying through a window, but then remembering a recent encounter with bullet (and flying demon) proof glass I decided to try a more direct approach. Being bounced off a 40th story window was not high on my list of really stupid things to do, it was right under flying through jet engines. So I landed and walked in through the front door.
I figured this late at night, or early in the morning, most of the employees would be at home. And I was right, the only one who saw me was the night guard and I didn't pay him any attention, just walked by like I knew what I was doing. I think he left shortly afterwards. I walked into an elevator and pushed the button for the top floor with the tip of a claw, and the doors slid shut. I knew my target was up there, I could smell him now. As the elevator rose upwards the speakers were playing "Girl from Ipanema" and I hissed along, always liked that song. The door opened with a ding and I exited the now burning elevator.
I looked around, and then turned left and headed for the large ornate double doors at the end of the hall. He was in there; I could sense and smell him. To my surprise the doors weren't even locked, and I pushed them open and walked into a large very richly furnished office. Like I always say, dealing with Hell can be very profitable; it's paying the bill that sucks. The elegantly dressed man sitting behind the desk looked at me, he was of course terrified, but he kept his cool and didn't try anything stupid or futile. I could respect that.
"Well, he said, what kept you so long?" he said in a shaky voice.
I gave a "Hisss" of laughter, but he might not have recognized it as that. "Your time is up mortal, I'm here for your soul. Resistance is futile (I love that phrase). But since you have not wasted my time or resisted I will make this as painless as possible."
"May I have a last cigarette?" he asked.
I looked out the window, no sign of dawn yet. "Yes, I said, I can allow that. Hiss"
"Thank you, most kind." He said, and took a Players out of a fancy silver case and I leaned over and lit it for him by touching it with a claw. He offered me one, but I just shook my head, those things will kill you. He took a deep breath and let the smoke out slowly. While he smoked his last cigarette he said,
"You know, I can't believe it's been a hundred years already, just doesn't seem that long. The more I realize it I see just how stupid I was, I could have made it on my own, it would have been just a little harder. Isn't hindsight marvelous?"
"You made the deal, now you must pay the price, that's how it works". I said sadly for I could see he wasn't an evil man, not really. Compared to some of the total raving loonies I had fetched before he was a saint. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
He grinned and said "Sorry enough to let me go?"
"Oh no, hiss, hiss, hiss." I said. Good one though.
"You know, he said, you're not what I expected." Then took a final deep puff, and stubbed the cigarette out. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be." He said.
I walked around behind his chair, "Close your eyes and relax, I said, don't fight it." I reached out and put my claws on his shoulders, and gently pulled his soul out of his body, then let it go. I knew he wouldn't try to run.
He looked pretty much the same, his naked soul looking around in wonder. Most of those I fetch are evil and corrupt, and their souls reflect it. This one wasn't.
"I don't feel much different", he said. He reached over and tried to pick up the silver cigarette case, but of course he couldn't. "Guess you really can't take it with you."
"Follow me" I said, and led him up to the roof, opening the doors for him even though it wasn't necessary as he could have passed right through. He said "Thank you." every time, a gentleman to the end. Man this sucks, I thought, the nice ones are always the hardest. We stood on the edge of the roof for a few minutes looking at the city spread out below us, I could allow him a few extra minutes.
"It's beautiful you know, he said. The whole arrangement, heaven, earth, Hell, the balance of things, it all works somehow."
And you know, I'd never really thought about it like that, but it was true. I looked at him and said, "I will put in a good word for you with my Mistress, but I can promise nothing as you belong to another, Hisss. Now come, it is time."
I put my front legs under his arms; I would not use my claws on him, and took flight. "Mistress, I have him." I called in my mind, and seconds later the beacon appeared in a small nearby park.
"Bring him to the 9th Portal, my pet." She instructed.
"I hear and obey My Mistress" I replied.
I stood on my head, folded my wings, and dove headfirst through the pentagram and was suddenly HOME! As usual I had materialized some distance above the ground and flapped my wings to hover until I had oriented myself. The portal to the 9th Level of Hell was fairly close by, so I headed towards it. The man's soul was very quiet, no pleading or begging, and he actually seemed interested in his new surroundings. I should be so brave. Once another flying demon flew over to inspect me and I hissed at it "This one is MINE!", and it flapped off in a huff "Just wanted a peek! What an anti-social type!"
I could see my Mistress waiting for me, and I landed nearby and gently released the soul and he stood and waited respectfully. I ran over to my Mistress, and rubbed my head against her furry leg and hissed in delight, I hate to leave her side even for a minute. She reached down and scratched my brow ridge and I gave a squeal of happiness. "You did a good job, my Pet, your Mistress is pleased. So this is the soul? I must admit he's not the usual wretched thing you drag down here."
"Mistress, I said in her mind, He didn't resist or anything. I think there's more to him than meets the eye. Maybe we can use him? It would be a shame to let Mr. Poopy have him." It's rare, but occasionally a soul does find "employment" of sorts. The REALLY rotten ones sometimes even end up as demons themselves, the "nice" ones do scut work, but it's much better than the alternatives.
"Pet! How rude, don't call Lord Glorp names, at least where he can hear you. Do you really think he might be useful?"
"He's smart, he's polite, he's educated, and he's got balls." I replied.
"Well of course he does, I can see them! Hiss, hiss, hiss!" She hissed.
"Har-de-har-har, I said. But really Mistress, he might be useful. He ran a big successful business; and he's certainly not some psycho."
"Hmm, you are right in that aspect, we usually do get more then our fair share of the weirdos and retards. Hisss." Vulva said thoughtfully. "YOU, soul, come here before your Mistress!"
The man walked quickly over the Vulva and gave a deep bow. "ON YOUR KNEES!" she hissed, and I gave a deep hissing growl.
The man did so, trembling, with his head down.
"My little slave here was impressed with you, man. That is rare. Tell me, what did you do while you were alive?" She hissed, "Now speak; you have permission to do so."
"I , um, was a" he started to say, but I broke in,
"ADDRESS HER AS MISTRESS MAN! HIIISSSSS!!!" I growled with a menacing hiss.
"Thank you, Pet" she said.
Nobody, but nobody, EVER addresses my Mistress with anything less than the respect due her! I've gotten in more fights then one pushing that point home.
"I'm sorry, Mistress, great lady! If it pleases you I was a corporate lawyer."
"Hmmm, said Vulva, what college did you graduate from man?
"Harvard Law, Mistress." He said in a quavering voice.
"Hmmm, you might be useful. Man, if I buy your soul from your master would you be willing to work hard in my service? Your only reward would be to please your Mistress, and I must warn you I am a hard taskmistress. Hisss."
The man looked up briefly, and saw me standing behind my mistress shaking my head up and down, and gave a brief smile. "Mistress, he said, it would be an honor and a privilege to serve so gracious and majestic a lady." BINGO! I thought, my Mistress does like sincere flattery, and believe you me she can tell if you're lying to her.
About this time Der Stinkmeister Lord Glorp turned up. I smelled him first, and everything else in the area cleared out like magic. I started to dig a hole in the sand with the intention of burying my head, when Mistress Vulva said, "Here my Pet!" and threw me a urinal cake, Lady thinks of everything! I broke it into pieces and stuck two up my nostrils, and then handed a couple to the man who had a really interesting look on his face as he tried not to barf.
I hid behind my Mistress, and the man fell to his knees again as Lord Glorp came farting and plopping up to us. He was even grosser then I remembered, and that is GROSS. Even with the urinal cake my eyes were still watering and I stuck the tip of my tail in my mouth and started chewing it until Vulva smacked me. She hates it when I do that, bad habit.
"Lord Glorp, we have your soul, but there is a small problem." Vulva hissed in her "I am not pleased voice" which scares the bejeezus out of anything.
"Get him, Mistress!" I hissed in her mind. I was about to see my Mistress at her best, or worst, depends on which end you're on. It was kick-butt time!
"Why Mistress Vulva, whatever do you mean?" Lord Glorp said.
"Your coordinates for my Seeker's pentagram were 30,000 feet off! He was severely injured as a result! I shall fill a Level 5 complaint with the Office of Grievances and demand compensation! HISSSSSS!"
That seemed to get Lord Glorp's attention, and he started to break out in bubbles, oh groosss! "Now Vulva dear, it was unintentional, surely only a minor setback as he did, after all, completes his mission!"
"MINOR SETBACK, HISSSSSS!! My precious pet was mangled and had to find a furnace in order to recover! HISSSSS, and I almost had to cancel the mission! Do you have ANY idea what that would do to my reputation? HISS!! DO YOU?"
"SIC HIM Mistress! I thought. You've got him on the run!" I stuck my head out from behind her back and stuck out my tongue, "Nyeah!" and stuck my claws in my ears and waved my front paws at him. SMACK! OW! I should have figured she'd see me. Her tail knocked the urinal cakes way back into my nostrils and made me bite my tongue. "Yeep! Owoooooo, Yi, Yi, Yipe! Hisss!" I squealed as I ran around in a circle doing my now much practiced tongue-biting dance until I tripped and fell flat on my face and knocked the urinal cakes back out of my nostrils, then I just sat there holding my tongue and whined for awhile, but didn't get any sympathy at all. It was so unfair! I manage to bite my tongue on a fairly regular basis, I don't know I guess it's a talent.
Everyone had fallen silent and watched my little jig until I fell on my face, and then they went back to the matter at hand. The human watched with his mouth wide open until he got a good lungful of Mr. Poopys unique odor, and bent over and puked. Lucky him.
Grievances in Hell are a big deal; they can take about a hundred years to work through the system, and can cost the plaintiff a bundle. Hence they are to be avoided at all possible cost. And everyone knew my Mistress is very good at filing them and winning, she has a wicked mean legal staff that is the terror of the courts of Hell. Even the judges are scared of them.
Lord Glorp was really panicking now, and if anything he smelled even worse when he was sweating, or whatever he WAS doing. "Now, now, Vulva dear, surely we can work out an amiable solution to our mutual benefit."
Got to hand it to him, for a turd he was an eloquent talker. So they got down to business, two professional bad asses duking it out. It was fascinating to watch, so I sat down next to the man's soul, still holding my tongue, and we both watched in awe.
Finally it was settled, and in exchange for waiving her fee and two more free uses of my services Vulva acquired a new human soul as a slave, very rare in her domain, very rare anywhere in Hell. Most of them just get the old pitchfork up the bung hole. She branded him and he was hers, the brand said "keep your hands or whatever other appendages OFF" as far as any other demon kind were concerned. She assigned him to her "Legal Department" and within a week the demon in charge sent her a case of urinal cakes in appreciation for the "very devious and talented new legal slave". Things worked out pretty good all around, at least by Hell's standards. I was quite pleased too.
I'd forgotten all about the "surprise" my Mistress said she had for me, but when we got back to her office it was waiting for me. I smelled it before we got there and with a bellow broke out into a run while Vulva hissed in amusement at my reaction. It was Vulkna, my one other true love in this place, a 2000 pound fire demon kind dragoness. When Vulva finally caught up with me I was rubbing my snout and neck against Vulkna's and we were both hissing in delight. She had been my first mate in Hell, and like Mistress Vulva had shown me sex could be as much about pleasure instead of only the pain I had previously known. Vulva watched us cooing and hissing our love for awhile, then hissed,"Vulkna dear, have you shown him the surprise yet?
Huh? I thought she WAS the surprise! I mean, what could be better?"
With a proud hiss Vulkna raised her wings and I found myself staring at a bunch of little faces that looked a lot like me or their mother. I looked from Vulkna to my Mistress, then back at the small staring faces. They were clinging to their mothers back and watching me intently, their beady little eyes gleaming. It made me nervous.
"Urk, UH! Um, I said, are those, are those mine?" I gasped out.
"Oh, indeed they are, said Vulkna, all fifteen of them. Children, say hello to your daddy! HIIISSS!"
FIFTEEN! I thought. Holy Mackerel! I really WAS virile!
About this time all the hatchling launched themselves into the air and proceeded to attack me, I guess they thought I was dinner. Vulkna and Mistress Vulva watched the tender domestic scene with smiles on their muzzles.
"MISTRESSS, VULKNA! HELP, they've got me! I'm gonna die!" I shrieked as the hatchlings swarmed me, doing their best to find every exposed tasty looking spot they could. "HEEELLLLLPPPP! Get'em off of me! MIISSTTRREESSS!"
THE END, CHAPTER 6
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