FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

"How was coffee?" Todd asked, tossing an armful of charred carpeting into the waste bin. "Careful, there's glass there."

Lisa dodged the glittering shards on the ground and bent down to pull up some burned wood, handing it to Todd. "It was fine. Ken seems nice. He says we're a hot topic among your new friends."

Todd rolled his eyes, brushing off his paws in a futile gesture - soot was everywhere. "Yeah, I'm getting some ribbing. There are a lot of bachelors in the Order, so it's kinda like college. Remember Vic and Toby? Kept making fun of us after we started dating."

Lisa watched her fiancee as he darted between rubble and bin, black char smeared on the dark fur of his hands and legs. He glowed with nervous energy. The conversation had taken turn after strange turn since he'd met her after his appointment: the weather, a homeless person he'd seen in the city, coffee, now their old college friends. He wouldn't look at her, and wouldn't stay on the same subject for more than a couple of minutes. She put a paw on his back, and he froze.

"Hey," she said. "I don't know if you're worried about this, but I'm not gonna ask you about your therapy. As long as you don't ask about mine."

Todd's back stretched against her paw as he turned and looked at her over his shoulder. "Why shouldn't I ask about yours?"

"Oh, are you asking?" Lisa put her paws on her hips.

"No! No, sorry. You're right, I was kind of dreading... I don't know. Talking about it. It hadn't occurred to me that you might feel the same way about yours."

She rubbed his back again and smiled. "It's fine. Whatever happens in there is like practice. Nobody has to see it. Help me with this board." She picked up one end, Todd grabbed the other, and they hoisted it up together.

Back inside the warren, after Todd's work shift, Lisa wiped her feet on the entryway mat. It had put up a valiant effort to prevent workers from tracking soot into the gathering hall, but the floor was stained blackish-grey for several meters in front of the door. Todd wiped his feet, quickly slipping off his blackened tee-shirt and sweatpants.

"Bath?" Todd asked, standing in just his diaper.

Lisa grinned; seeing him un-ashamed like that was still a balm for her doubts. "God, yes." Lisa took his paw and squeezed it as they walked to the bathing room.

"Um... there's something else I've been dreading talking about," Todd said as Lisa stripped inside the changing area. He winced at his voice's echo in the tile room and the damp bathing chamber beyond.

"What's that?" Lisa popped the tapes on her diaper, then held it open between her legs to empty her bladder into it. She wasn't embarrassed to do that in front of Todd; even at his most anti-diaper, he'd always loved to see her piss.

"The house," Todd said. If Lisa's little display distracted him, he didn't let on. "The bank is changing the locks next week, and we need to get our stuff out." Todd removed his diaper, dropped it into the disposal pail, and walked into the bathing chamber.

Lisa winced. Clearing out the old house was not a task she looked forward to. She balled up her soaked diaper and dropped it on top of Todd's in the bin. "Hell. What are we even going to do with it all?"

"Geraden offered us some storage space here at the warren, temporarily at least," Todd's voice echoed back from the bathing chamber. There was a change in its tone, stiffer, and Lisa thought they must not be alone.

"I think we can take back most of the non-furniture stuff in one go if we can get a van or a truck," Lisa said, Following Todd toward the pool.

"A van?" The Fox's voice came from the far end of the pool, where Ken sat next to the small waterfall, immersed in the water to his chest and leaning against the pool wall. "I can provide a van, and a ride into town tonight, if you need it."

"Oh! Ken!" Lisa blushed a little as she walked into the chamber with Todd. "Sorry, that was... I don't think Todd meant to talk about money in front of people." She pushed a sharp elbow into Todd's side.

"Think nothing of it," Ken said, holding up his paws. "The only thing of relevance I heard is that my friends need a ride into town, and help moving some items. After dinner okay? I know it'll probably be a long trip, but I need to run some errands tonight. I can take care of them while you're at the house."

Todd slipped into the pool next to the outlet spout, and Lisa followed after him, her nipples stiffening from the cool water. She glanced at the Fox and blushed, leaning against Todd and putting her arm around him. She wasn't scared of being naked around warren regulars, but Ken was a new face. New to her, at least - he said he'd been a visitor at the warren before, but that was before Lisa had moved in full-time. She wondered if his sharp Fox nose had picked up on what she'd done in the changing room. His satisfied grin seemed to say,whatever you're thinking, the answer is yes.

"That'd be great!" Todd said, breaking the awkward silence. "Thanks, Ken. I hope you don't mind if we lug a bunch of stuff with us on the way back."

Ken shook his head. "Absolutely fine. I'll remove the back seats and you two can pack into the front.

Lisa closed her eyes and pressed into Todd's side, her fur standing on end as he washed her blackened arms with one paw and ran the other along the base of her ear. "And maybe when we get back," he said in a low whisper, but not nearly low enough that the Fox's perked ears wouldn't hear, "you can show me that little trick you did in the changing room again, close up."

***

Lisa sat in Todd's lap, trying to ignore his obvious response to the truck's vibration. True to his word, Ken had removed the back seats in his olive-colored van, and the empty space was large enough to take back everything but the furniture - and maybe even some of that. Lisa and Todd had squeezed into the single remaining passenger seat. The van's shocks were in need of replacement, though, and Lisa could feel Todd's concomitant excitement from the situation. Both of them had decided to go un-diapered, as they needed to air out after that afternoon's sweaty work. Ken hadn't, though; Lisa could hear the crinkle from beneath his baggy cargo pants as they went over a pothole.

"Ken, why do you wear diapers?" Lisa asked, settling in to Todd's lap so his bulge slipped up under her tailbase. She pretended not to feel him squirm. "None of the other Order members do, except Arvy and tube-sock here."

Ken glanced to the side, giving her a smug smile that seemed to imply he knew exactly what they were doing, despite the shadows cast by the oncoming headlights. Maybe he could smell Todd's arousal. Maybe he could smell hers! "I only do it when I'm visiting the warren, really. Feels nice to blend in, not be such an outsider. Besides, I'm not the only one in the Order who does - there's a group up at Westriver who wear. They live together in a big duplex. We think that's where Elyssa was headed before the fire."

"Oh! This exit!" Lisa squeaked, and held tightly to Todd as Ken made the sharp turn. "Sorry... got distracted."

"Uhhuh, it's okay." Lisa couldn't tell if Ken's sly smile had cranked up a notch. He drove down the twisting suburban road, identical white two-story homes flashing past in his headlights. "Wow, regular Levittown!"

"Here, this one on the right," Lisa said, peering out of the window. Theirs was easily recognizable - two tall palm trees leaned toward each other in front of the entry patio, curving inward and crossing trunks before each exploded in a green firework. Ken pulled up into their dark driveway and parked.

Lisa opened the door and stepped out onto the lawn, the grass stiff and cold against her feet. The empty windows and dark porch light made the once-familiar facade of her home feel alien. It felt like a bucket of icewater poured down her back. She turned and looked at Todd getting out of the van behind her; judging by his expression, he was feeling something similar. Maybe worse - he'd been gone from here for less time.

"Come on." Todd held her paw and led her up to the doorway, unlocking it and opening it up. The entryway yawned wide and dark in front of them. _God, let there be electricity,_Lisa thought; she didn't know when Todd had last paid the bill. She snaked her arm around him to the panel just inside the door, flicked the main switch, and let her breath out when the lights snapped on.

"I'll take off, loves," Ken called behind them. "Back in a couple hours! Just organize everything you want to take, and I'll help load up the van." Lisa nodded and waved, then stepped inside behind Todd.

"Oh my God," Lisa said, wrinkling her nose. The smells were unmistakable - Todd, vomit, and alcohol.

"Jesus. I'm sorry." Todd lowered his face, his cheeks flushed. "I don't remember a lot about the night I left, but I'm pretty sure it's all in the kitchen. You go get started in the bedroom; I'll clean up there."

"Nope." Lisa put a paw firmly on his arm, pulling him back. "You start in the bedroom. I'll clean up the kitchen; you keep your mind on other things."

"Lisa, I don't want you--"

"I mean it." She put her paws on her hips and stood in the entryway to the kitchen, blocking it.

"Okay, okay." Todd smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. "I can't argue with that look."

"What look?"

"You get this little wrinkle... never mind. Be careful, there might be broken glass." Todd turned and walked down the hall toward the bedroom.

Lisa flicked on the kitchen light and took the broom down from its clip on the wall. She surveyed the scene of the incident. There was, indeed, a smashed glass, and a film of dried booze coated one corner of the floor. She was grateful to see that all of the vomit was in the small trash can. "Good Ferret," she whispered, tied up the trash bag, and opened the window. It looked out on the small alley between their house and the white-sided wall of the neighbor's. Nobody would see her cleaning Todd's mess.

Twenty minutes later, the kitchen smelled like Pine-Sol, and the broken glass was in the trash. Lisa washed her paws in the sink, then headed out down the hall. She passed the only closed door in the hallway - one that had probably not been open since she'd left the house herself, months ago. Lead filled her belly as she realized they were going to have to clean that room out, too. She shook her head and walked into the bedroom. "All done. It wasn't so bad. Oh!"

Todd was standing in front of the dresser. There were some clothes piled up on the bed, but it didn't look like he'd accomplished much. He was holding a small jewelry box that Lisa recognized immediately; its twin had been singed in the warren fire. He held it open and stared into it for a moment before breaking his reverie and looking up at Lisa, smiling across his wide muzzle. "I found mine."

Lisa remembered the glint of her own wedding band as Todd had lifted it out of the warren ashes. She remembered the mix of disappointment and anxiety that had spiked through her chest. The memory made her ears warm with shame, and she forced herself to smile. "That's great, hon." The flatness of her voice was obvious to her own ears.

Todd cocked his head, the smile vanishing. "That's good, right? Yours survived the fire, so we'll match." She could hear the fear in his voice, and she wanted to reassure him, explain that it wasn't as bad as he was thinking. But how could she explain? It barely made sense in her own head. She rubbed her temple, searching for the words.

"Are you changing your mind?" he asked; this time it was his voice that went cast-iron flat.

"No! No, Todd, I'm not." She stepped forward and put her arms around his waist.

"Even though I fu-hucked up the kitchen?" Todd's voice hitched, adding a syllable to the expletive.

"Even though you fucked up the kitchen." She squeezed him, pressing the side of her head to his chest. "Don't cry. It's nothing, I promise. I just want different rings," she said softly. "That's all."

"You want different rings?" His voice squeaked a little, the way most Ferrets' did when they were emotional, no matter how deeply they normally spoke. "Why?"

Lisa sighed. "It's complicated. And stupid. I haven't thought it through all the way myself yet. Ask me later, okay? After my next therapy session."

"Okay." Todd's chest rose against Lisa's head as he took in a deep breath, putting an arm around Lisa's shoulders. "It isn't stupid. If you want it, I know you've got a good reason for it."

Lisa broke the embrace, then leaned up and kissed his chin. She took the jewelry box from his paw and closed it. "We'll take it, though. Just in case."

She helped Todd organize his clothes on the bed and pack them into travel bags from the closet. Anything they didn't want to keep, they left in place. Adam had referred Todd to a lot-auction service, which they would use to sell the remaining items.

"Nice of Ken to help us," Lisa said, folding a shirt. "I hope we're not imposing."

"I don't think so. He's very considerate. What do you think of him?"

Lisa paused for a moment, considering how to answer. She felt that she could trust Todd with the truth. "He's a cutie."

"Yeah, he is."

"He_is_?" Lisa stared at Todd. She hadn't thought he'd be upset at her acknowledging the truth, but immediate agreement was not the response she'd expected. Todd stared intently at the open sock drawer, his face bright red. "Todd, are you thinking--"

"I'm not thinking anything! I just agreed with you, that's all."

Lisa put down the shirt and rested her paws on her hips, staring at Todd. "Uhhuh. And you're not thinking at all about... what we talked about in grad school. Almost did."

"But we didn't." Todd kept his nose down, still unable to look Lisa in the face.

"Only because Toby backed out."

"I loved Toby," Todd said with utter sincerity. "I've just met Ken. Maybe I'll want to try it someday, but only with someone I know as well as I did Toby. Better, even. I don't want to be disappointed like that again." He finally looked up and met Lisa's eyes, smiling. "But yeah, Ken's cute."

Lisa smiled back. She couldn't deny, the idea of a three-way with the Fox was almost as appealing as it was scary. "Something to keep in mind." She patted Todd's back and returned to folding shirts.

They worked methodically from room to room, occasionally reminiscing about a framed photograph or a travel souvenir, organizing everything they wanted to keep. The resulting keep-piles were surprisingly lean; they agreed that almost everything could be sold. Neither of them mentioned that they'd skipped the closed door in the hallway until it was the last place in the house.

"I guess there's still the laundry room," Lisa said, when there was no choice left but to either announce it or take the fantasy to its end and leave the room untouched.

"Yeah. We got a lot done, though. You wanna leave that for another day?"

Lisa shook her head. "We have the van tonight. I don't want to impose on Ken again some other time." She turned the doorknob and stepped in, flicking on the light. It was an old fluorescent tube, and took a moment to flicker on. Todd sighed and followed her in.

Half of the cold tile floor was ripped up, and the carpet that wouldn't ever replace it stood in a roll in the corner, near the washing machine and dryer. Todd had insisted on keeping the appliances in place until they absolutely had to move them; he'd kept procrastinating moving them to the basement. Half-assembled pastel yellow shelving stood against the far wall, next to six cans of paint. Todd walked over to them, his nails clicking on the tile, and tapped a can. He'd planned to paint a rainbow on the wall over the crib. Once they had a crib. But the paint and the shelves and the carpet were the closest they'd come to converting the laundry room into a nursery before Todd skewered the idea of adoption.

"We could rent," he said softly, gazing at the paint cans. "A foreclosure will look bad on my credit, but I could rebuild it for a while at the warren, then move into a rental for a few years until the bank will give me a loan again."

"Todd."

"I'm just saying, after the wedding."

"Why?"

Todd's face tightened. "What do you mean, why?"

"The warren is a fine place to live. Why do we need a house? We're doing fine without one."

Todd looked at the ceiling corner as he took in a breath. "No matter what Geraden says, I just don't feel like the warren is a good place to raise a kid."

Lisa tried to stop the fur on her back from bristling, but couldn't. Her chest clenched. "Do we have to have this conversation here?"

"Why not here?"

So here it was. In a way, she was glad he'd come to it so quickly after opening the laundry room door. She knew what her therapist would say: this would hurt, but it would hurt more later if she dodged it. "I'm not sure that I want a kid anymore."

Lisa braced for... she wasn't sure. She didn't think an explosion; he wasn't like that when he was sober. But probably a wince - a flicker in the shine of his eyes as he wrapped the sentence up in his mind and buried it.

Todd lowered his eyes, but there was no wince. "I know. I kinda knew."

"I mean, maybe, Todd. I don't know." His reaction scared her; made her want to backpeddle.

Todd shook his head. "Abuse it and lose it. I thought maybe that didn't apply to hope, but I guess it does. I'm so sorry, hon."

They both heard the front door open and close then, and Ken's voice in the hall. "Hello? I'm back, you two need any help?"

"In here," Lisa called, and almost stopped her voice from cracking. Ken slid his head into the room.

"Phoo! Mess in here, isn't it? Last room? I'll help you sort it." "I think we're going to leave this room for the auctioneers," Todd said, sniffling and rubbing the side of his nose. "Let's get the rest of the stuff into the van."

Back outside, Ken opened the rear door of the van. "All right, load 'er up!" Lisa was about to pick up the suitcase in front of her when she caught Todd's shocked expression. She followed it and saw the full bottle of Canadian Mist whisky leaning against the wall of the van.

"Ken, what the hell?" she said, folding her ears back.

"Huh? Oh! Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry..." Ken reached into the van and tossed a sweater over the bottle. "That was, er, one of my errands. I'm so sorry, I should have covered it. Wasn't thinking."

"It's all right," Todd said. "I'm not made of glass; I can see booze without breaking." He seemed to be talking more to Lisa than to Ken. "I was just surprised. Canadian Mist? I pegged you for a Glenfiddich guy."

"Ha! When the Order starts cutting paychecks, I'll start buying Glenfiddich." Ken helped Todd lift his load of clothing into the back of the van. Lisa kept staring at the Fox, though. That was stupid, leaving that bottle where Todd would see it first thing. His old brand, even. She sighed, shook her head, and hefted the suitcase in.

Once the van was full, Todd sat in the passenger seat, and Lisa settled into his lap. She turned and rested her exhausted head against Todd's chest. "Rain check on that trick demonstration?" she said.

"Huh?" Todd sounded just as drowsy as she felt.

She smirked and turned in his lap, pressing her nose against his chin. "The thing I did in the pool changing room. You wanted a close-up view."

"Oh! Yeah. Too tired. Heh... rain check."

"Rude."

Lisa snuggled up to him and dozed, lulled to half-consciousness by the growl of the road under the van's wheels. Todd put his arms around her and quickly followed her to sleep.

And Todd dreamed.

***

"Fuck, it hurts."

"It's going to for a while. Keep the scars bandaged and apply the ointments twice a day; you can take the bandages off in a couple weeks. And be careful with them - assuming you know what that word means."

"What?"

"You haven't demonstrated an ability to be careful with much of anything, have you? Granted, it must have seemed like you didn't need to be. The Order is a Prey rights organization populated entirely by Predators. What a vulnerable target we are! What could be easier to infiltrate?"

"I don't know--"

"Of course, you knew we'd find your mugshots, so you owned up to having a pred supremacist past. All a decade ago - long enough for a change of heart to be plausible. But caution just isn't your strong suit. You forgot that your handle on that little 'free speech' forum is the same as on the e-mail address you initially contacted the Order with. Didn't take much searching to find your last post - one week ago."

"That wasn't--"

"Quite an interesting post. 'They're marking me soon. Going to happen inside the Chapel itself. These gourmands won't know what hit them.' Clever, that - gourmands. Because we're food lovers, right?"

"I was only trolling."

"Pathetic. You're all pathetic. Red Fang and the dozen other splinter groups with less catchy names. You're just outcasts and failures working yourselves up to try something in real life. You've never done anything in the physical world with half the courage of your online posts. The UPN would have despised you."

"Yeah? Well, to answer your question, yes we did think you'd be pretty easy marks. How clever could a group of species traitors be if their leadership isn't even housebroken? You think we didn't know about that?"

"I'm sure it's been the subject of titillation in pred drawing rooms since the Order was founded. We don't care."

"Well, I guess you're a bit cleverer than we thought. If you knew, though, why'd you mark me? Why didn't you say anything until now, after everyone else has gone?"

"You may be pathetic, but at least you're trying. You're off the Internet and sitting here in front of the Touchstone. You don't have the slightest idea what you're looking at, but I have to give you credit for that much, at least. You're here and you're trying."

"What?"

"You're like me in that. I've been here for a long time. I've watched the Touchstone. It grows, did you know that? It started as a little crystal in a cavern, and now it's this monolith. This wall. And I've watched it grow. I know where its cracks and fissures are; I know that just on the left, next to the wall, there's a hairline where the heavy rains of '58 made the cave more humid, and less crystal accumulated, and that rests directly on a low point in the cavern floor. A weak spot which just might crumble with the application of the right kind of shaped explosive, if I could smuggle one in here."

"You're... against them?"

"Who, the people here? They don't matter. Even I don't matter. What matters is Gel-Herathin. You could kill the warren ten times over and he'd keep coming back, ripping my life apart. Destroying everything like he always does."

"But aren't you..."

"It's complicated. Gel-Herathin does me no good. Right now, you and I share the same goal: we both want him to stop paying us visits every century or so. In order to accomplish that, we need the Touchstone gone. I've been studying it for longer than you've been alive, not making a move, because I know that I'm only ever going to get one shot at it, and it had better be right. Now you've come stomping into the situation, laughing on your public online forums, practically wearing a UPN fang pendant under your shirt, and you think you're being sneaky. Delete those posts. Tell your online friends to forget that you exist, Kenrick."

"All right. I'll delete them."

"If you have real-life contacts like you claim to have, maintain communication with them only, and tell them to start looking for explosives. Shaped blasts, like surplus landmines. And we have to take this slow, which means you can't get caught. Blend in. Don't think I'll spare you if I think you're a liability to what I need to do here."

"I understand."

Todd flew awake.