So a Dragon Walks into a Bar
Story by Venturing Viper on SoFurry
Because Of The Wilds inspired me
So a Dragon Walks into a Bar
Every two years dragons fly to a paradise retreat to pair up for the mating season. While the prospect of spending a romantic month with a partner is one that no dragon would pass up, travelling to the island in of itself produces interesting adventures.
_ Here is one of those adventures._
Timnoth flew thousands of miles thus far, his wings were aching, and he still needed to fly over the sea to reach the paradise mating grounds. His last trip to find a partner was… unsuccessful. No one wanted to spend the month with a scrawny youngblood such as himself. He wasn’t big, burly, handsome, or charismatic, and every female dragon knew they wanted a competent partner, especially for the sake of their offspring. All about genetic superiority in these trying times.
But, he had a backup plan this time around. It wasn’t honorable, he admitted, but he was determined to score with someone. It was also a risky endeavor.
He soared over the mountains toward lights in the mountains. As he closed in, he could hear the sounds of laughter and merriment echo through the swaying pines. He could also smell the banquet and drink from the meadhall wafting over the town.
He had never been to this particular town himself, but he heard rumors of the quality of drink. How the nectar of the mountains poured its richness into it and that men from all over the world would gather here just for a taste.
So Timnoth figured he would procure some himself, dragons had their own ways of making drink, but they never seemed to match the intricacy and taste of human craft. It was difficult to procure, and he was sure he might impress a potential mate with acquiring some. Or simply whittle down their evasiveness with it.
He landed in front of a grand mead hall, startling a number of humans and lizard folk who were gathering for the evening.
“Pardon me. Excuse me. Move asiiiiide!” he fumbled forth toward the entrance. He wanted to make this quick. Humans generally had a poor disposition of dragons, while making a scene could not be helped, getting in and out with a barrel of wine with little hindrance was the best he could hope for.
So the dragon walked into the tavern, crouching down through the entrance and stalking up to the bar to find a tender freeze still in astonishment.
“Excuse me. Hi.”
“Can I help you?”
“Yes. I was hoping to procure a keg or three of your finest crafts.”
“Sorry, we don’t serve dragons here.”
“But I brought payment,” He fumbled with a pouch he had strapped onto his chest, a large bag of gems and treasure. “I’m willing to pay double- uh- triple the price!”
The keeper looked over the sack, “I’m afraid I couldn’t accept that if I wanted to. We have a strict coin policy apart from not serving your kind.”
“But- but I-“
“Look, dragon, if you’re thirsty, help yourself to the horse trough outside. I don’t want you scaring any more of the patrons.”
Timnoth planted his feet and arced his neck, bumping into one of the support beams, and causing part of the building to wobble “There has to be something you could do. It’s really important that I get at least one keg of wine!”
“Maybe you didn’t hear me. We- Don’t- Sell- Dragons- Drink!” The tender threw his dish rag onto the counter, though, he was beginning to tremble at the sight of a distraught beast.
“But why though?” He brought his foot to the floor, but the intended gesture came off more powerful than he expected and shook the building.
“Because the last thing this town needs are a bunch of drunk dragons wandering about!”
“Oy there!” a man in full plate hollered from a balcony, “Dragon, you causin’ trouble?”
“No, no, no trouble at all! I just want to buy a wine keg for my mate.”
“Suuure, a whole keg of wine for your spouse eh? I reckon you don’t even have a lady friend to begin wid!”
“Hey!” Timnoth drooped his head and frills. He tried whispering to the tender, “If more dragons are your concern, I promise I’ll keep this deal private. You can have the whole sack just for one keg!”
“The tender said, no you oversized iguana!”
“I’d appreciate it if you stayed out of this!” Timnoth snarled at the adventurer, turning around with his face still enraged. “Just give me one keg and I’ll be on my way! You’ll never hear from me again!”
The tender leaned back against the counter behind him in fear. The rest of the tavern fell silent and Timnoth realized he had made quite the commotion. He didn’t want things to end in violence and considered simply walking out and finding somewhere else he might get a barrel.
“I’ve heard enough outta you dragon.” The adventurer slipped out of his chair and hobbled toward the railing.
Timnoth bowed toward the tender, “Apologies for the trouble, I think I shall be going n-“
CRACK!
“GAAAUH! MOTHER OF SCROTUMS!” the dragon roared forward, bashing into the table and thrashing his wings to the side, knocking several tables and spilling a number of drinks.
A whole floor plank had launched between Timnoth’s legs, hitting him in the most delicate of places. The adventurer had jumped from the balcony in a drunken attempt at heroism, only to fall partially through the floor from the weight of his armor.
The dragon hunched over and rubbed the pain with his palm, bug eyed and whimpering. The men of the tavern lost their composure and moved in to confront the troublemaker. Shifting his weight to a foreleg, the loose floorboard gave way and his head came down once again onto the counter, this time breaking it and spilling the shot glasses of the those at the bar.
“The dragon is attacking!” Someone blurted out in a drunken craze and immediately a brawl ensued.
“What no! I’m wasn’t attacking- OW! My eye!” Several men were scampering over TImnoth and punching him wherever they could. A brave idiot climbed onto his face, blinding his eyes. He shook himself from head to tail disallowing anyone to get an advantage over him, but making the situation even worse than he ever expected.
“He spilled mah drank!”
“Get the dragon!”
“Go for his eyes!”
“No, hit him ‘neath the tail!”
“NO!”, Timnoth jumped, tearing the boards and launching into the ceiling, all the men fell off save for the one gripping on his horns, “Not there! Anywhere but there!” He circled around, bumping into support beams and slipping on the broken tops of tables. Peering around, he could see the entire tavern was in an uproar. Not only was he being attacked, but apparently the other patrons were fighting each other!
Men grappled across the floor. A lady dove over a table and elbow slammed her ex. Lizards were hurtling pitchers at each other. Practically everyone had been taken over by a primal rage.
Timnoth looked for he exit, and stumbled towards it. The floorboards gave way with each step, halting his progress, but he was determined to escape the ensuing chaos before someone got hold of something sharp.
“Halt there, foul beast!”
Timnoth stopped short to see the adventurer from earlier standing in the doorway with a sword in hand.
“Step aside. I don’t want any more trouble!”
“Nay thee!” The man lunged forth. The dragon, doing as told, stepped right into a support beam while the man fell into the opening in the floorboards.
Timnoth tossed the man hanging onto his face back into the fray as a distraction and scooted out the door. As he entered the street, he could see people running in terror and calling for the guards. If he was yet to acquire a barrel of wine, he needed to act fast.
Snaking his way around the building, he tore through some shrubbery before arriving at the back entrance. A loading dock for the barrels was set up just with enough room to for him to stand atop of. He examined the doorway, only to be disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to fit inside. He sighed before cracking his front paws to do some destructive maintenance.
He dug into the wood and tore off a segment of wall large enough for himself to fit through.
“Aha! Trying to steal the wares of these poor townsfolk, eh monstah?” The adventurer stumbled onto a stack of barrels.
“You again?!”
“You will not be raidin’ anythin’ this night, demon creature!” He drew his sword and charged the dragon. Again, Timnoth sidestepped, and the man fell off the loading dock and into the mud.
The dragon stooped down and entered the storage space with his back end sticking out. He browsed the labels until he found a particular blend he liked.
“This will do.” He wrapped his paws around the wine keg and tugged it out of it’s holding place. He then rolled it toward him as he squeezed out the opening he had made.
“You won’t be getting away with this, dragon! Keel before my righteous fury!”
Timnoth twined his neck under his wing to see the man prepping a hammer for an under swing.
“Nononono, please don-“
WHAM!
“AAAAAAAUUURGH!”, he collapsed onto the barrel and curled his tail between his legs.
“I have felled the beast!” he raised the hammer above his head in victory, “I, Sir Higglebottom have put an end to this thieving dragon’s scheme!”
“Curse you, Higglebottom…” Timnoth grumbled between his teeth, working the willpower to get back up once more. He tugged the wine barrel toward himself before leaning on it for support. “Have you no shame? Hitting a drah in the testicles like that!?”
“Where else was I supposed to hit? T’was foolish of you to think you can try and steal drink in the eyes of the greatest adventurer of all time! Now prepare thyself, for I will rightly end you!” The man lobbed a dislodged pommel at the dragon, hitting him in the forehead before charging in with the hammer.
“Oh, I’ve had enough of this!” Timnoth caught the pole of the hammer and ripped it out of the man’s grasp before grabbing the man himself.
“Agh! Unhand me, fiend!”
“You have some balls to assault me. But just to be clear, unlike you,” he lifted him up before flicking him in the groin with as much force as he could muster from his palm. “I have balls of steel.”
He tossed to the side and grabbed the wine keg, all while limping from the pain.
“Ugh, the trouble for just a dragon to get a drink around here,” he took off with his prize and flew toward the island across the sea.