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As I had suspected, boredom swiftly set in. I had never felt comfortable in small towns. Onyx was by far the smallest I had ever been in. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing to do in this tiny listening post town. Other than the Dinner, and a local arcade, there was not a lot in the way of entertainment. Thankfully, Calvin had an extensive video game library. I had not played any video games in a long time, even as children I had never had much an interest in them. However I had little else to do, so I stayed inside, monitoring the piggyback signal on my sat-com mobile terminal as I perused Calvin's collection.

I tried to watch TV, but the signal out here was hopeless, so there I sat on the sofa. Dressed comfortably in a plain white tank top that had my chest plumage desperately trying to escape from its collar, and a simple pair of camo briefs. Calvin was out for the day so I had some privacy to relax. Something about his work, being a self-proclaimed artist, he apparently did work for the town's infrastructure. Repainting road lines and signs in Hi-visibility paints and lettering. Due to the snowfall and weather conditions, I was happy that he had a job, Calvin had never been a lazy person. Even as a child he had always been proactive, he just wasn't the sort to sit around waiting for shit.

Of course his proactivity also extended to his sexuality, I could remember his early teen years rather vividly. Of him time and time again trying to express himself or explore, and constantly, and violently being shut down by our father. Which of course, built up to an explosive rebellion in the family. I could remember the exact date Calvin had come out to me. I was surprised of course, but I could see that he was at his happiest being himself, and at his most miserable when under the forced lifestyle of our father's dictatorship. Being the good older brother I was and still am, I of course wanted my brother to be happy and full of life. That being said Calvin did obviously wear on me quite a bit. I could remember times during the rough home life where our parents were out of the house. He'd strip off and strut about like he had top peck. I'll admit, he was actually pretty good at dancing, he always made it look natural. I was hopeless though. Two left feet and then some. Still, I also remembered the few times Calvin had tried to come on to me.

It still made my feathers ruffle thinking about it years later. I put it up to Dad being an asshole. Calvin had no one to trust but me. The conversation I still vividly remembered. He'd snuck into my room late one night when Mom and Dad were out on date night. He was all shy and scared looking. He sat down on my bed with me and just sat there silently for a good half hour before looking up at me and just blurting out "I'm gay". I had of course suspected it for a while, it had showed, he was always silent and, robotic almost around our parents. But with me, he was, more fluid, he always asked me to take him to the mall. Anywhere actually, if he needed or wanted to go out, he always came to me.

I let out a sigh, the video game blurring into an unfocused mess as I lost myself in thought. What was I going to do with him? He was so impulsive, to trusting, and I was pretty much all he had. My thoughts unfocused, I switched off the game and moved to the kitchen to try and scrounge something up. I was not particularly good at cooking, I'm the sort of guy who somehow burns microwave popcorn. I decided to just make myself a sandwich, monitoring the laptop I had. A boring, continuous ping of data, communicating back and forth with the base in Glacier city. Six months of this was going to drive me crazy.

After my plain lunch I fell asleep, dozing away the entire afternoon whilst watching some corny comedy movie in Calvin's library. When I woke up, it was well past dinner time. Calvin was nowhere to be seen. I sighed again, out partying probably. I slipped into the shower, then into some boxers and a singlet top. And went about making myself some Mac and Cheese for dinner. I was watching it turn slowly in the microwave when my brother stumbled in the door, mid strip. He was clearly blasted drunk. He stumbled about as he tried to kick off his shorts, his top hung loosely around one arm.

"Cal, Jesus your drunk." I muttered in an unimpressed tone. He looked up at me and swayed on his feet, taking a moment to realise who I was by the look of things. He stumbled forward, and I caught him in my arms, he just slumped into my chest. What he did next however was mildly uncalled for. I was about to scold him for being out so late and being so blasted, when he straight up grabbed my crotch. Words caught in my throat as he pushed his head into my chest and trilled drunkenly. His hand did not move.

"Luca! Mmmm, Luca, Lou, big Louie, big bro Lewis!" Calvin slurred. I gripped him by the shoulder and firmly pushed him off of me. His head rolled loosely like it was on a spring and he giggled at me. I stared at him in shock for a good minute or so before flatly saying.

"What. The. Fuck." Calvin's head rolled back and he groaned. He put both his hands on my shoulders and took a moment to compose himself.

"Stop, being, sooooooooo uptight." He said slowly. I had no answer to this. He was still attempting to get his pants off as well. He was pushing against me, I felt his hands slip around back of my neck in a loose hug. My first thought was to chew his head off. But he was drunk as a skunk. Surely he had no clue what he was doing. But he proved me wrong a second later as he leaned in and attempted to kiss me.

I pulled back sharply, I did not want to hurt Calvin, Physically that is. I tried to shove him back off me, but he could barely stand as it was. His face deflated as I pulled back, his beak resting on my chest.

"You don't love me..." he slurred out in a hurt tone. I was done at that point. I pushed out my chest, stood firm and very flatly replied.

"Calvin. I'm your brother. Not one of your fuck pals" He pulled himself off me after a moment, drunkenly stumbling away without a word, throwing his shirt in my face and closing the bathroom door. I heard the shower turn on and I just stood there, digesting what had just happened. Calvin had always been, bold, but this was way out of line for him. I could not get angry at him though, if I did I'd be no better than our father. But I could not just let what had happened slide.

I approached the Bathroom door after a long moment of thought. I opened my beak to say something, but closed it and leaned in. Pressing an ear to the door. He was crying. I slumped, being the big brother was hard. I gave the door a knock.

"Cal"?

"Go away..."

I sighed and pushed the door open anyways. Calvin was sat on the floor of the shower, under steaming hot water, sobbing into his arms. There was vomit in the sink, and a trail of droplets all over the floor.

"I said go away..." he repeated, mumbling slowly. I crouched down beside him, with just the glass wall of the shower cubical between us.

"Cal, what's going on with you"? I asked. He turned away from the glass, and did not reply. I pushed a little more.

"Cal..." I was cut off as he let out a god awful screech, the sort only a bird could emit, he threw something hard at the shower wall. It bounced off and rolled out of the shower. It was a small, orange pill bottle, the label read 'Anti-depressants' that raised my concern a considerable amount.

"Nobody loves me! They all use me! No one wants to be with me...or around me... I suck..." he descended back into a fit of sobbing and sniffling. It was clear he was still taking the whole collage fund thing a bit hard. At least, so I thought.

"Cal, you know I love you." I replied. Hoping it would calm him down a bit. He did go quiet, half turning toward the glass.

"You're my brother. You love me, you don't 'love' me..." he paused, his head slumping into his arms.

"...not like I love you..." those words froze me. Surely he did not mean he had, feelings for me. Like, romantic feelings, sexual feelings. Oh god, I thought to myself. My words once again caught in my throat. There was silence, just the sound of running water and the presence of steam. My heart was racing, why was it racing? I finally managed to force something out.

"Like I love you"? I repeated slowly. Calvins response, confirmed exactly what I was thinking, what I was hoping was just a joke, or the booze talking. But no, it wasn't, his voice was calm, heavy with a long secret weight.

"I want you to fuck me. Kiss me. Hold my hand in public, hold me close in bed...'love' me." He said. My beak hung ajar, my eyes became frozen in place, and all I could do was listen

"I've wanted it for years...you're...you're good for me Luca. You always know what to do or say when I fuck up. You make me happy when you're around. You never hurt me, or use me, you...you protect me. I love you...I'm, in love with you." He said. His voice barely audible over the shower, his words quivering and wavering with emotion. With fear. I could tell he was afraid, afraid I would abandon him like the rest of our family had. My heart felt broken. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to do.

My heart was like a jackhammer, it was so loud and fast. I felt dizzy, I couldn't speak, or move. Calvin's words rattled in my head like marbles. I didn't feel sick, or repulsed though, more so just, shocked.

"...you hate me now don't you? You think I'm so sort of disgusting freak, like everyone else..." Calvin sobbed. God it hurt. I couldn't just abandon him, I wouldn't. But what the hell was I supposed to do? Calvin was my brother, and I was straight, even if my relationships never lasted more than a month. Was I just supposed to brush this under the rug? Pretend it never happened. I had to say something, I couldn't just sit here in silence.

I slowly stood up. Swallowing, taking a deep breath. I closed my eyes. There was nothing I could say that would settle him. I squeezed my fists tightly, Calvin was my only family. I couldn't lose him. This silence was uncomfortable, my thoughts were scrambled. My heart felt like it was skipping beats left right and centre.

"Please...say something..." Calvin croaked. There was nothing I could say. Calvin was the only family I cared for. Actions spoke louder than words, and for Calvins sake I would do anything. I swallowed. Stripped out of my clothes. I wasn't going to sleep with him, he was my brother for god sake. What he needed was comfort, reassurance. That would calm him down at least. I just, couldn't sit there, not while he was crying.

I stepped forward, into the shower cubical. Calvin didn't look up at me, he just remained sat in the corner, sniffling. I then sat down next to him, under the water. Just sat there, didn't say anything, didn't move. After a few moments, Calvin leaned against me, still sobbing quietly.

"I'm sorry..." he said. I let out a sigh, resting my head against the back wall of the shower. Thinking carefully about what I was going to say.

"I don't hate you Cal. You're my brother. You're all I have." I replied after a decent pause. I looked away though, I still didn't know how to feel about all of this. I couldn't give Calvin what he wanted, could I? No, it was wrong. Disgusting. But it wasn't, that was Dad's way of thinking. I didn't want to think that way.

"I'm so sorry Luca... I've had this on my chest for so long...I never wanted to tell you...I was so scared that you'd abandon me, I still am... I don't like you being so quiet. It's not you..." he said. His voice still quivering some. Again I paused and thought hard and long before I replied.

"I'd never abandon you Cal." I meant what I said. Calvin was all I had, Dad had been out of contact since we left. About six years now. Mom was in a mental facility due to kleptomania. I knew we had an Uncle, but Dad never spoke of him.

"...I'm sorry I'm difficult..." Calvin said. Breaking a long and unpleasant silence. He had stopped crying by now. His eyes were red and raw, and I could smell the vodka on his breath now. I shifted a bit, looking up at the shower head high over me.

"I don't know if I can give you what you want Cal... You're my brother for fuck sake." I said flatly. I watched from the corner of my eye as Calvin looked down at the floor for a moment. Before rubbing his arm and looking up at me.

"You don't have to. Just, I'm glad you're here. We don't see each other much... I'm glad you came." I was surprised by his response. But I was happy to hear him say that. I shifted again. Still deep in thought between my own responses. Thinking about something that I didn't know how to feel about. Calvin's outburst had brought an uncomfortable question into my head.

"...come on, we can't sit here in the shower all night." I said after a half hour pause. Standing up, watching Calvin carefully. I expected him to say something inappropriate or gawk at my ass or something. Just the thought made me uncomfortable. But he didn't. He just stood quietly, eyes down cast, holding his arm as if he'd just gotten a vaccine shot.

We were both soaked. I took up a towel, and handed one to Calvin. He took his and just kind of slumped. I let out a sigh under my breath. He was depressed again. My gaze fell back down to the bottle of pills on the floor. It was empty. Had he taken the last of them the other night? Did he even get laid? Or was it just a sleep over? I did not like the thought of him taking medications. I stooped down to pick the bottle up, reading the side effect label. Calvin had draped himself in his towel, but just stood there, dripping, eyes downcast. Crest and plumage all limp.

"How many of these have you been taking...?" I asked tentatively. Calvin looked up at me, saw the bottle then looked away.

"Two, daily, It's my last prescription...they won't give me a refill..." I was concerned. How long had Calvin been taking these? How long had he been keeping it a secret? Most unsettling though. Why had he not told me?

"How long..."? I asked. I wanted to hear him say it was just a recent thing, but as he looked up at me I could see it in his eyes. This had been going on for a while, Calvins head dipped down again, still swaying a bit.

"Five years..." he said quietly. My eyes went wide, five years? Jesus. He'd been on anti-depressants all this time and I didn't even know. Worse, he'd kept it from me on purpose.

"Cal..." I had no words, I just held the bottle in my hand and looked at it. What else was Calvin hiding from me, were anti-depressants all he was on? I looked up, my heart sank. I Calvin was hurting bad. I could sense it, he was barely fighting back another onslaught of tears, and I didn't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I was stuck, I had no clear answer, no bright idea to fix this, no backup plan. Nothing. I just stood there, dripping wet, looking at my brother, as he began to sniffle and sob again. I did not mean to upset him, or hurt him, but it just sort of came out.

"What else are you taking"? I knew I fucked up as soon as I said it. I saw it, in his eyes, trust had been damaged just now. Calvin did not respond, he just stumbled out of the bathroom. I winced as I heard the door of his bedroom slam shut. I hung my head and let out a sigh. What was I supposed to do? I spent the next ten minutes drying off, slipping back into my camo briefs and plain tank top. I could hear Calvin bawling his eyes out behind his bedroom door. I made my way out to the den and just sat on the sofa, head I my hands, my mind racing, trying to think of some way to fix this. For a few long hours I sat there like that, and came to two conclusions. Both extreme, both so opposed to one another.

Conclusion one, I tell Calvin that his feelings for me are wrong, that it's never going to be, utterly destroying him and the relationship we've built. God only knows what he'd do if I picked that option. I had horrible flashes of him spiralling downward, falling into depression further, resorting to drugs, making horrible friends...or worse, killing himself.

Conclusion two, I march into his bedroom and kiss him. Tell him I want him to be happy, and that I'd do anything to get him off those meds and to a stable place. Sure, I sucked at keeping a girlfriend, I was shit at picking up, who knows maybe I'd swing better for home team, but. With my brother? I felt sick. I wanted to just run away, but that just made me feel worse. I never ran away, that was not me. No this was one of those 'rock and a hard place' things. Either I burn a bridge that means more to me than anything else, or I delve into my own morals for my brother's sake.

I let out a frustrated and angry screech, standing up and kicking the coffee table a good foot or so. This was all my father's fault, my mothers, both of them. If they had just cared about Calvin and supported him at all, none of this would be happening. All Calvins hardships, all MY hardships, all of it, was their fault. Now here I was about to do something that I could regret for the rest of my life, something that could destroy what family I had left.

I stood there in front of Calvins door, breathing in and out, scared out of my wits, he was still sobbing quietly, I closed my eyes as I grabbed the door handle. I had made my choice. My stomach felt knotted and heavy, I felt nauseous, anxious, and nervous. But I buried all that deep down as I pushed the door open and stepped inside. Calvin was curled up in a ball on his bed, face buried in his pillow, towel haphazardly tossed to the floor with the sheets.

"Go away..." he croaked at me. I let out a sigh and forced myself to move. I climbed up into bed behind him, I cast an arm over him and pulled him in close to me. Just holding him as he sobbed. He was still damp from the shower he hadn't even bothered to dry himself off. I did not say anything, I just let him sob. I knew what I was about to do, but the words just wouldn't come to me. So there I lay for the next hour, holding my brother, listening to him sob and cry, unable to say anything.

Eventually after god knows how long he settled, and went quiet. He was still awake though, I could tell, Calvin had never been good at playing possum. I just, held him, my mind was racing, yet at the same time it was also, slow and felt clouded.

"Please say something Luca..." Calvin croaked. What could I say though? My mind was just, blank. I was still deep in thought, about what to do, what I was going to do

"Cal...Look at me." I said quietly. He did not so much as shuffle. Just laid there, limp like a sack of boned fish

"Cal." I repeated. With a sigh, he rolled over, chest to chest, his gaze was elsewhere though. I could see a mix of emotions in his eyes. A turmoil of self-hatred and loathing, of desperation, fear, anxiety. Was I really going to do this? He was my brother, but damnit I just could not bare to see him like this. To see him hiding things from me, struggling as he was, putting on a façade

Fuck it, I leant in, and kissed him. Calvin's eyes flew open, his whole body went ridged against mine. Kissing when you have a beak is a bit of a finicky thing, but Calvin, well, he was experienced. He pressed his body in against mine, relaxing as he locked his beak with mine. The weird thing was how nice if felt. I had always struggled with affection, and being affectionate. Despite how much I enjoyed the feeling. I myself felt ridged, tense, this was, after all, insanely taboo. So why did it feel nice? Why did my brothers confident motions, his ease, why did it all make my feathers prickle outward.

Finally he broke off, after what seemed to be hours. We laid there, silent, just staring at one another. I had no idea what to say. I wanted him to say something, give me something to work off. Something to let me know that what I had just done wasn't a massive mistake.

"Thank you Luca..." he finally said. Sniffling and whipping his face on my chest. He then sat up, cross legged and let out a deep sigh.

"...I'm sorry for keeping the anti-depressants and shit from you. I just. I wanted to be strong, take care of myself...stop being a burden on you..." Hearing that stung. Calvin was anything but a burden on me. I rolled onto my back, sprawled out in the bed, half hanging off of it.

"You're not a burden Cal...I just. I want to know what I just did wasn't a mistake..." I said aloud. There was another long pause, just the sound of Calvins ceiling fan, the dull drone of my own thoughts and the pounding of my own heart.

"I'm sorry for being so difficult Luca...but, I have feelings for you. They won't just go away either... your like. Urgh, you're like the perfect boyfriend... you're smart, resourceful, dedicated, loyal, hands on, hardworking, protective. The list goes on..." Calvin let out another sigh, his head slumping. This whole situation was strange, Calvin had not been so open with me since he'd first come out of the closet.

"...I liked it though. It didn't feel bad...but, Christ, Cal you're my brother..." I muttered. I had never really be straight. Well, that was to say I didn't think of myself like that. But, growing up with Calvin, I had always been curious to a degree. Though I never acted on it. Never saw a guy I thought was attractive or clicked well with me. Coal I suppose, his brother Rosco was a nice looking guy, just, not my taste in personality. I'd always just, been with chicks, then again, I wasn't really a relationship sort of person. I had always been ok on my own.

"I get it." he said sullenly. I let out a sigh. It was time to decide. If I gave him the cold shoulder now, things would just be awkward between us. He'd grow distant. The strain it'd put him under wouldn't be healthy. If I put him in therapy he'd kill me. Christ, I'm really about to do this.

"Look, Cal, I want you to be happy. I want you to be honest with me. You're the only family I have. I can't lose you, cause then all I've got is dad...I just. I'm unsure about this." I said. Staring up at the ceiling fan, lost somewhere in thought. Calvin snickered and sighed, shifting a bit on the bed, I felt his hand on my thigh, his claws stroking through my feathers.

"Pft...if dad saw us now he'd have a heart attack from the rage alone...heh." He said. It made me smirk a bit. The thought was funny to me. Oh how it'd piss him off if he found out both his sons where faggots. The act itself would be an insult to his nature. But it served him right, all this shit was his fault.

"Yeah, I'm sure he'd have something to say about it." I muttered. I felt Calvins hand roam higher, up my leg, till his claws fingered the lip of my boxers. I knew what was coming next. Even if I stopped, it'd would just happen later, the point of no return had past. So I just let it happen. His hand hesitated as I closed my eyes.

"Go on Cal."