FSE

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I can't believe I'm sitting here, a week before my own wedding, pen twirling between my fingers, still unable to figure out my own vows. Lana will not get off my case about it, "Keene, this is literally the only thing you have to do! No you can't handle the decorations, because 'diamond flower arrangements' are not a thing. Stay away from the catering crew, not every dish needs gold flakes, where did you get four metric tons of gold bars anyway?" Bla bla bla bla bla.

It's not like I don't want to write my vows. It's more like the idea of putting in words what Breel means to me makes me want to... do literally anything else. Fine, so I've never been the best at feelings, sue me, I'd win. As for what I'm doing, I'm writing down what comes to mind, seeing if the words will just tumble out on the page. It was Duke's suggestion, actually. Well, not actually. Lana was on my case for the umptillionth time, Duke was watching our argument like a Japanese championship ping pong match. After talking in circles with Lana for nearly an hour Duke just squeaked out "Just write down what you feel about him!" This startlingly simple but very stupid idea (considering if I could have done that this wouldn't be a problem) seemed to have flipped a switch in my head. Not that that idea's what I'm doing, this is my own idea. Patent pending: Start at the beginning and see how it goes.

So... here it goes. The story of me and Breel. A tale of Heaven and Hell, magic(k) and money, love and pure stupidity.

I found myself wandering about some sort of plaza without any memory of getting there. This wasn't an unusual turn of events; I've had my fair share of orange soda benders. What was unusual though was that there was a frankly astonishing variety and quantity of animals all around. Looking up, I asked a rather friendly looking hippo (by which I mean friendly looking -for- a hippo) where I was.

"The M33 Special Portal Junction of course!" She said, rather chipper.

"Thanks, THAT helps." It didn't actually help, but I felt the need to make her feel like she had. It was up to me to figure things out for myself. I had to find the most important building in the area, in hopes it would be an embassy. Ten seconds into my search though, I saw a building with the sign "Weasel Massage Parlor". Certainly that was the most important building in the area, so I went straight in.

What met me the second I walked in was, and I'll allow myself to be a bit of a sap here, fate, pure and simple. Looking upon Breel for the first time as he walked up to me I found myself in a situation I'd never been in before, I couldn't find words to say. For the life of me I could not understand why looking at him was making every syllable catch in my chest. I felt my face start to flush as he took my hands in his, my eyes locked on his #$%NECK. His -neeeeeeeeeck-.

"Hello! Come for the special?" His voice was a bit deeper than mine, and for some reason I could feel it lift the tip of my tail like a snake would for a charmer's flute.

"Wow uh--- Do... you not wear collars here?" I asked, likely sounding rather stupid. I know it was my brain trying to find any words to say to this literal angel in front of me, but did my first words to him have to be -that-? Couldn't it have been something cool like "I'm a billionaire philanthropist." Or, "You ever built forty miles of tubes to crawl through? I have. I call it Tube City. Want to go?"

His smile stayed through my entire confused ramblings. I had no idea I was in Heaven, but he was happy to help me through whatever crisis I seemed to be going through. My chest never stopped tingling... and I told myself it had to be the remnants of whatever bender I was on last night. It didn't take long for me to ask for his phone; I had to call home, or one of my lawyers, get them to come pick me up. As he handed me the phone I felt another thump in my heart... and another down a little lower. Whatever, nobody's going to read this but me. Framed proudly as his background was a picture of two ferrets, two male ferrets to be exact, twisted around each other and really rather "enjoying each other's company". I still remember the one on bottom because his coloring and patterns were near identical to mine. Part of the curse of being a rather common breed, but still, it did weird things to me.

The first weird thing it did to me was that it did anything at all. I'm rich, I ran a company, I schmoozed with other billionaires, I went to meetings, I never had -time- to find a mate. When I did though, I had always expected to find a nice female, make some heirs, spoil them to the point where they'll destroy the empire I inherited, you know, the usual. So it was with great surprise that looking at that background I felt... anything. More than anything, with Breel brushed up against me I think I started to feel aroused for... maybe like the fourth time in my life. That's the second weird thing it did to me. The pair in front of me were absolutely male. I mean, there was no mistaking it with how prominently that part of their anatomy was displayed. I hadn't... ever considered pairing with another hob. Not one had ever appealed to me in my entire life, so why now? Why this picture? The other ferret in the picture looked nothing like Breel. I mean, he's a pine marten for Pete's sake, but as I stared at the picture, the image twisted before my eyes. The ferret grew, his neck and chest fur bristling out as they changed color, tail lengthening and curling around my leg--the ferret in the picture's leg, not mine, his, -his-. In hindsight, I'm completely certain that was Heaven trying to tell me something. But if Breel saw any of this he didn't say anything, even though I swear I saw for the briefest instance the pine marten in the picture giving me a knowing wink.

I buried those feelings, a theme that's rather consistent through this adventure, and in their place I shoved in a pile of frustration at not being able to get my call out. Breel popped in about some course I had to go through to contact anyone "outside", saying it'd take four whole months.

"Four months?! What would I even do until then?!" My indignation was cut down as my heart skipped multiple beats. Breel's tail had wrapped around my back, his head bent backwards toward me in a show of flexibility that stopped my thoughts dead.

"I was hoping the background would give you a hint." His sultry eyes and beautiful... yes beautiful I don't care you insecure thoughts I think he's beautiful, sue me, you'd lose even though you're me because I'm better than you. Beautiful smile... where was I going--right. All that, his chest fur puffed out, I felt like a jill in heat. Rampaging confusion coursed through me as I fought against my sudden urge to hold him, seeing what kissing him upside down would feel like.

As was the theme of my journey, I swallowed those feelings. He took my silence as a denial, and the way his face fell still bothers me to this day. It wasn't even overt, it was the smallest shrink of his smile, the relaxing of his eyes as he straightened. If I had a time travel machine I would go back and slap myself. I could have been with him for so much longer... you know, even though I was only there for a day and the next day we met months later was when we got together even though we technically spent a different amount of time in Hell so it's even longer--I'm getting ahead of myself. But, note to self, invest in time travel technology.

I don't know how he convinced me, but instead of going right away to sign up for those courses he mentioned, we ended up going into the back of the massage parlor where I received a massage I can only describe as "mustelid exclusive". The twisting and rolling made me feel simultaneously more alive and relaxed than I had in years. Breel the masseuses and I all went out for lunch afterwards, where I regaled them with my amazing stories of how I spent my money and how funny I am. As I told the story about the torn up back yard and that really good anteater line, I realized I'd been leaning up against Breel for nearly an hour. It was so natural I hadn't even registered it. I... and you know the pattern by now, buried that under a sense of urgency to get back home. I ignored how I'd never been that comfortable even in my $470k custom designer chair. I ignored how his scent clinging to me made my fur bristle. I even ignored the slight... problem I had emerging as I realized all this. I callously started to write a check, shoving it into Breel's chest in some sad attempt to separate us.

The next part doesn't really involve him so I'll do a bit of shortening. He and the masseuses took me to Heaven orientation where I found out I was dead (even though I wasn't, really). I met Cerberus who took me to a magic(k)al pool that forced me to remember my (not so) last moments of life. I ran away and found my mom, had her hold me as I bore my soul about my life since she... left. Cerberus found me and took me to go see "something important for me to witness". So me and my mom went to some tram that Heaven has (because apparently teleportation is too cool for there), when out of the blue, Breel came running up to us.

"Aren't YOU a looker!" My mom crooned. For some reason--no not for some reason you -know- why this happened Keene. Because of my burgeoning feelings and attraction for Breel, I felt an intense mixture of embarrassment at my mom calling the guy I liked cute, and a sort of defensive jealousy. I knew she wasn't saying that because she was interested in him, but something like a tiny rabid raccoon woke up in my chest. He was -my- looker. And she couldn't have him! I couldn't stop the tiny beast from throwing a fit even though I knew it was untrue, and regardless of my awareness I went flush once more as we boarded the train.

The ride was short. Like, less than a minute short. I regret it wasn't longer... see, there was a semi-large bump in the track that sent me off balance... and Breel caught my hand to keep me steady. And... we didn't exactly... let go. Hey, wait, why would Heaven's tram system have a bump in it? And why didn't anyone else jostle around? Mrrrrrrrgh... Heaven pushing us together again I swear... I mean I'm grateful but, still.

Anyway, we went to go meet my dad, who helped me come to the realization that I wanted to make him proud, that I wanted to be the one who fixes everyone's problems. With that revelation I decided I'd go haunt Earth to try and finish my mission. Breel nearly tackled me with a hug and gave me an altogether too friendly noogie. I would have appreciated a little more... but considering how awful and standoffish I'd been the whole trip I don't think I deserved any more than what I got. Then my dad hit on my mom and it was weird--oh yea my dad's a ferret but he was a human and he's not my biological dad--this doesn't matter Keene, focus.

It was far too long before I saw him again. I threw myself into my work, trying to "fix the world" with a combination of money and magic(k). At night though, dreams of Breel happened with such frequency that at some point I convinced myself he was haunting me. Each night we would be somewhere new, walking, sitting on a bench, eating a meal together... And every time he'd be smiling at me with that face... -that- face. The one I could never look away from, that drew my gaze like a neodymium magnet. He'd draw closer, I'd smell his musk mixing in with the hot swirls of his breath. His lips part, softly, with a gentle wet sound. And then I'd wake up, stare blankly at the ceiling for ten to twenty minutes as I calmed down, then promptly bite my own hand to snap out of it, get the cooks to make me a far too large breakfast, and distract myself with business until I slept again.

Eventually, all my plotting started to come together. To achieve my dream, I put together an expedition. The mission was to send groups to find some sort of mana pool in the temple my father brought home so that I could gain the power to make humans and animals equal. A simple and brilliant plan that for some reason a lot of people thought was rather stupid. Of course -now- I know taking a huge and dangerous shortcut like that was idiotic, but don't tell that to past me. He'd just go for it twice as hard.

I arranged a meeting to discuss my plan with the cat Sabrina, who had dealt with the celestial magic(k)s from the temple in the past. She not only refused to help me, but declared she would make her own team to dive into the temple first with the goal of draining the mana pool before I could get to it. Frustrated with the lack of cooperation from those more familiar with magic(k) I stomped my way back to my office to the surprise of my life, and that includes when I found out I was dead-not-really-dead. Breel was sitting behind my desk with a halo over his head, posing so casually you'd figure there was nothing unusual about someone dead sitting in the chair of a multi-billion dollar CEO. For the second time in my life I was stunned speechless, and by the same hunky pine marten no less. He bound forward, crushing me in a hug that lasted much, much less long than I would have liked.

"Ahh! It's so good to see you!" The glee in his voice sent my heart out through my chest, it was like hearing a beautiful song I'd long forgotten. I could feel my lips starting to draw towards his, our faces were already pressed against each other after all. Then, with all the stupidity of an emotionally stunted ferret, I spoke instead of acting.

"Breel?! What are you DOING here?!" The hug broke, and with it that elated mood that rose up inside me. "Aren't you... you know?" I touched his cheek, my fingers fanning open as they prepared to run through his fur... but he drew away.

"Dead. You can say dead." He had a lot of fun telling me all about how he wasn't a ghost, tail swishing about behind him and a grin that refused to leave his face. He was an angel... no, a muse. The latter I absolutely agree to, considering my life's ambitions have revolved around him entirely these last few years. "Anyway, difference is I got this cool halo." He grinned, poking it with a finger. He was here to help me, he said, something about mortals not handling celestial matters and things could go wrong.

I hardly paid attention. My mind was tearing itself in half with the realities in front of me. On one hand, I had finally begun the expedition to fulfill my life's goals as quickly and easily as possible. On the other, my literal angel from heaven was here in front of me and my absolute moron past self was busying himself with not feeling what would have made me so happy... the feeling that would have prevented the biggest mistake I have ever made.

The teams I sent into the temple took so long I had to turn in for the night. I bid my siblings goodnight, hugged Breel (for what I determined to be a more appropriate length of time, approximately forty seconds), popped on my nightcap, and slid into bed. What I hadn't expected was Breel slipping in right after me. I didn't say a word, I couldn't. I had to focus on the mission. Everything I ever wanted was right in front of me, just hours away.

If I... if I let myself feel what I knew deep down I was feeling, what I always wanted would change. Everything I had worked for for years would just dissolve. What nobody ever seems to tell you though, is that it's okay for your dreams to change. It's okay to -let- them change. I was such a bullheaded idiot that even though I could see myself being happy with him... even through all my denial and rejection... I refused to change my heart. As he wrapped his arms around me, letting me feel how perfectly we fit together, feeling his... feeling him brush up under my tail, feeling my own... problem emerge as he stroked my belly... I feigned going to sleep right away. It was a soft "Goodnight Keenie" and a gentle kiss behind my ear, his warm sweet breath drifting about my head, that nearly broke me. It was only with a singular strength of rampantly stupid will that I forced myself to not turn and finally lock lips with him. To finally hear his breath quicken, treating me to more huffs rustling the fur on my cheek. Finally feeling his tongue press against mine... but no, I'd have to wait for that. Because, as I will state over and over until the day I die, and for eternity afterwards, my past self might be the dumbest ferret to ever grace the Earth.

I don't know when I fell asleep, or even if I did. The fits I spent fighting with myself kept me up for what felt like hours. But finally I was summoned into the mana pool via a brilliant system I'd set up beforehand. Quite rudely, I was tackled immediately to the floor. The ensuing struggle between myself and Tarot, a Pomeranian who was hellbent on making sure I didn't get my wish, knocked over the chalice holding the mana. Through my expert maneuvering which was in no way random or happenstance, I nearly got into the pool. Breel was there to catch me though, as he wasn't mortal he could stand in the pool without it affecting him. He carried me to the shore where I made the aforementioned greatest mistake I had ever made.

"BREEL! Step aside!" I screamed like an angry kit who didn't get to eat ice cream for dinner.

"I'm under no obligation to do things your way." He replied, a surprising calm in his voice. "I'm not letting you or anyone else in until they're ready to do this safely!"

"I didn't ask for your help!" I glared at him.

"No but you enjoy it just the same." He said, that grin I never want to live without appearing on that perfect face of his. He put his hands on my shoulders. I knew I liked him, he knew I knew I liked him, I knew he liked me, he knew I knew he liked me. He was so patient... he let me go at my own pace, he made sure I was comfortable and still... and still I...

"Can we not do this now?" I mumbled with a blush on my cheeks. This meek turn in my rage was all too brief. I wheeled about on him, anger resounding in every syllable. "I'M SERIOUS! I am THIS CLOSE to having all my dreams fulfilled and you're STANDING IN MY WAY!"

"And that's why I'm trying to help you!" If I had taken an extra half second to let the tiny heartbreak in his voice sink in, maybe I wouldn't have taken that crack and torn it in half...

"If you want to help then GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" I didn't even have to finish screaming to regret what I did. His face still swims in the darkest blackness of my regrets. The way it fell, the way he looked away. The way he held his hand up to stop me from trying to fix it.

"Fine." That tiny, deflated sadness filled my heart like frozen concrete. It sank through my body and anchored my feet to the floor.

"Breel, I--" I tried... I tried to undo it, but I'd gone too far.

"I'll go." He turned away from me, his eyes swimming with tears. I couldn't follow. He didn't want me to step into the mana pool... I couldn't, not after what I had just done. A single tear dripped down his cheek into the glowing white liquid... when all Hell broke loose... literally.

My icy heartbreak was instantaneously replaced with white hot terror. The tear that hit the pool tore a hole in reality. A demon like the skeleton of a massive dragon, lava pouring from every crevace burst forth, booming out in a voice that rattled my bones about nothingness and being forgotten. His words were lost on me as I watched him reach straight for Breel. He fought for only a few seconds... I was helpless to watch this manifestation of the void grab my precious angel and drag him into Hell. It was all my fault. I'd destroyed everything I ever wanted without ever telling him he was all I'd ever need.

[Continued in Part 2]