FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Come to Dust Chapter 17 - Loss

"AVERY!"

I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs.

"AVERY!"

I tried to run to the building that had his body hanging from the chimney. I could see him, I could make out my friend, but he was so different, so empty. My friend who had always found a way to make me smile and laugh when I felt like I couldn't go on.

I got to the side of the building as a crowd began to form and started to climb my way up. I felt two heavy and strong arms curl around me and pluck my smaller body from the wall like one would pull a grape from a vine. I was held up as I thrashed, trying to pull away.

"Let me go! I have to get to Avery!"

"Simon!" I heard a heavy and warm voice, a familiar voice, right in my ear. "Ye can't. He's... he's already gone, mate."

"NO!" I yelled and trashed some more, only to find myself being walked away and down a small alley, Gideon now holding my arms at my sides and my feet off the ground so I didn't kick him. My back was to his chest. "GIDEON!! Let me go, I have to get to Avery, let me go let me go!"

All the begging in the world did nothing. All through me kicks and thrashes, Gideon held me steady. He didn't cover my muzzle and some people peeked down the alleyway to see what the ruckus was about, but I didn't care. When panic gave way to loss, which gave way to sadness, which gave way to emptiness, the dam broke.

I cried. No, that isn't enough words. I wailed. I screamed and cried all at once, all trying to get away with half the effort I was giving a moment ago. I kept saying Avery's name, my hat falling down to the ground near my feet as all my pain came flowing out of me like a river. This was the ache I never let myself feel, the hurt that no one, but Avery, had even glimpsed. Gideon had never seen the depth of the emptiness I had inside me.

Everything came out all at once, old pains like when I had been abandoned as a cub on the steps of the church. When my friends died in chimneys and I had to help pull the bodies out. When Billy was kidnapped and I was scared we were never going to see him again. When Alister died and Duncan became our new Master Sweeper.

I felt hurt all over, everywhere inside my body. Up until now, I was just mad at the world for being the way it was but still found a way to smile through it, still found purpose in my stupid life...

But now, everything that I had been holding back just poured out, all at once. I was angry and sad and trying to find something to blame, something tangible. Spring Heeled Jack was real, but I couldn't see him, I couldn't hurt him. In that moment of anguish, I hated the world with everything in my being. I hated my would-be parents and Alister for dying on me, Bensley for not being smart enough to stop Spring Heeled Jack, and Gideon for not being strong enough to protect not just me but Avery and everyone else I cared for.

Why did everything in my world have to hurt?! Why couldn't something work out just once for me? I wasn't a lad to throw myself onto the cross and I knew I had it better than others, but it felt like life was tryin' to see me broken and dead.

Then, the guilt came. It was the part of me that so many of me friends admire, the "spark" that said I can make someone's day just by bein' me.

I blamed myself for not being there for Avery when he needed me, for Billy when he was grabbed, for Alister when he was truly sick. I blamed myself for not being smart enough so I wouldn't need Bensley, and strong enough so Gideon wouldn't have to fight me battles. All at once I took on all that responsibility and pain. If I had just given more of myself, tried a little harder, would things be different now? Would Alister be alive because I would have noticed his medicine? Would Avery if I hadn't been thrown outside because I wanted to stand up to Duncan? The desire, the need, to be a better man for the people I cared about was overwhelming. I needed to protect them. I needed to find a way to be so strong no one would be hurt again. It just made my cries louder.

My throat was hurting something awful when I felt Gideon's arms loosen around me and put me down on my feet. He turned me around and held me, muzzle pushed into his nice shirt and soaking up my tears. I cried and sobbed into him as he held me, rocking a little bit from side to side as he just let me cry against him. I wanted to be the strong one for Gideon. I wanted to make sure he was safe and all right. I had to check on him.

"Simon," he said quietly into my ear. "You can't walk with the world on yer shoulders forever and not expect to stumble."

I quieted down, sniffling, and perked an ear. Gideon knew I was listening even if I didn't say anything to him.

"You know why I like ye so much, Simon?" Gideon asked me as he rubbed my back softly. "You have a heart. You... you truly feel what other people are feelin', and you want to make those people not hurt so much. You smile when people are feeling down and you become infectious, like a bug, and you make 'em feel better. You give pieces of yourself every time you do that, Simon."

I listened still. I couldn't find my voice anyway, so I just... listened.

"Usually," Gideon continued, "you don't have to give so much of yerself up all at once. A piece there, a piece here. You take on the pain others feel and try to make them feel better, but that stays with you, Simon. I seen you just staring into the distance some nights, or watching candlelights. I seen you cry more than once when you thought I wasn' around or was passed out from a drink or five. You always get better, you find a way to put the pieces back together, or find some way to stretch yerself so you can give more of yerself when needed. But Simon... you ain't perfect, and ye ain't a god. Yer a pup and you walk around with more weight on yer shoulders than men three times your age. You do your best to hide it, it does go away over time. But you keep it all inside until you find some way to let it go. Sometimes that's bein' with your friends, or a drink, or somethin' else... but with so much happenin', Simon, you don't got a lot of yourself to give."

I looked up at Gideon, frowning. I was still crying, but I wasn't sure what more I should say to Gideon. "Wh... what do you mean?"

Gideon looked at me with those bright eyes of his, the shining, shimmering eyes I had looked into so much and found a different kind of spark. I never saw Gideon look so worried or concerned. "I mean you are hurtin' something bad even before we found the wolf pup on the chimney. You miss Alister a lot and you don't let anyone see it. You never let all that hurt go... and now this? You can't give anything more, so now all your own pain is just pourin' out of you like a drain. The stuff you don't let anybody see 'cause you're worried you don't want to hurt your friends, or you want to be strong. You never learned how to deal with it... and now it's overwhelming you."

In all my life I had never heard Gideon speak so... thoughtfully. He usually didn't talk much, actually. He was always a quiet man. But he was smarter than anyone knew, and it showed when he looked past all of my defenses and saw me for who I am... and what I was going through.

I felt tears well up and I cried again, pushing my face into his chest, holding onto his shirt. The pain of thinking about how I was going to never see Avery again hurt more than I can describe.

I don't know how long I sobbed. Hours, I think. Gideon had sat down on the ground next to a box and just held me as I cried against him. He didn't talk, just held me as it all came out like that. Finally, after however long it was, I felt my eyes just... stop. The tears wouldn't come anymore. I still felt awful. But it was like I had drained something that had been overflowing.

My throat hurt, my eyes were puffy and swollen, my nose ran and my head hurt more than ever. Exhaustion was also coming in at the edges of my eyes and watched the world briefly darken before I snapped myself out of it.

"Let's get you home, Simon," Gideon said and slowly stood up, pulling me onto his back. He looked over at me. "You need to sleep. I'll check in on ye tomorrow. But this... this demon has been killin' Howlers too, and I been standing around doing nothing. Time to make use of me boys and my position."

"Please don't get hurt," I said quietly, laying my chin against his shoulder as he hooked my legs into his arms like stirrups on a horse. "Or die."

"Ha!" he laughed and looked over his shoulder with his bright eyes and giving me that wink of his that always made me crack a small smile. "Didn't I tell ya I ate a cat once so I'd get all his nine lives? I still got at least five left."

---

A few days had passed since we had found Avery. Gideon had taken me home and more bad news had piled on; since I'd been gone, Billy had been thrown out of the House -- Duncan had kicked him out because he was too big and he didn't need a journeyman. I didn't know where he went. All I had was a note under my pillow that read as the following:

Simon,

_I wanted to say goodbye but I barely have time to write this letter. I'm alright, I'll be alright and we'll run into each other again. Don't worry about me. _

Love,

Billy Mathew

I felt bad that, at the time, I had no more tears to give. Avery's death had left me so numb. I was sure Duncan was going to beat me for being so dead to the world, but when the police came to ask questions, I think he realized something big had happened, and he best leave me be, because he didn't bark any orders at me and actually let me stay inside. I once caught him staring down at me and I rolled over, looking up at Duncan.

"The wolf kid. He was yer friend?"

"Yes," I said tiredly. I had been crying again but this time in silence. "Why? Feel like kicking me in the ribs or something?"

"'Course," Duncan said with a grin and crouched down to look at me. "Look, I know I'm a monsta but even I know when something weird is goin' on. Too many boys endin' up dead like the wolf. You wanna tell me what's up?"

"Spring Heeled Jack," I said automatically and rolled over on my shoulder, grunting. "He's real. And he killed Avery."

"That old wives' tale? Boy, you know I don't tolerate a liar. Now if you want to tell me da truth, you got until this evening. Otherwise, we are gonna have a long and unhappy conversation. I don't like surprises and you're one hell of a surprise. Now pull your arse out of that pit you're in. Tomorrow yer workin'. I need you, ya hear me?"

"Just leave me alone," I said, knowing that was a mistake the moment I said it. I could hear the big badger growl and quickly stand up.

"You fuckin' brat," he snarled. "You know that if it weren't fer me you'd be goin' hungry right now? I should show you some--" There was a knock at the door.

Duncan glared at me and kicked my cot so hard that the leg broke before going to the door. I was sitting up and shaking my head as I listened.

"Welcome ta Duncan's!" The fake cheery voice of the badger was awful. He had no skill at selling anything. He came off as suspicious and fake. I wrinkled my nose and began trying to fix the leg to my cot.

"Good morning," a familiar voice said. My ears perked and I whipped my head around. Standing there in the doorway was Bensley, dressed in a handsome suit and bowler derby hat much, much better than the one Duncan currently wore. "I am here for your ward. Simon."

"Simon?" Duncan said with a half snarl. "He don't get guests here, and he's got to work today, so just beat it before I decide to ruin that fancy face of yours, my lord." He said it with a tone that spoke volumes. Duncan clearly had no love for the upper class, but they held all the power in this awful world. You played the game or you died.

Bensley, for his part, looked a little surprised but quickly narrowed his eyes behind his spectacles. Duncan and Bensley were about the same height, but Duncan had more muscle on him and was probably 10 years younger. "I understand he has a job to do and I also know he has lost someone dear to him. So I have come to make sure he is doing well." Bensley reached into his pocket and pulled out ten pounds, shoving it into the badger's hand. "I believe this would cover the lost income for him to not be working and then some for a few days. Now fetch him." I had never heard Bensley sound so... venomous. He'd be proud of me for using that word, I think.

Duncan looked at the ten pounds in his hand and then snorted. "Yer money. Just don't break him when you bugger 'em. He's valuable. SIMON!" he shouted over his shoulder. "Get your cryin' ass out here, someone is here to see you and he just paid a nice price for yer company."

I was up on my feet and tugging on my coat as I approached the two men. Bensley looked down at me, briefly, and smiled warmly. He reached a hand out and touched my shoulder, ushering me outside and behind him.

"Mr. Duncan, as I understand it, you are these boys' caretaker, are you not? I would be remiss to advise you of new laws having been passed to ensure they are well treated and properly fed. Further," Bensley said and stepped closer to Duncan, "if I find out that you hurt any of them, I will bring the full force of the University to your doorstep. These are children, sir, not chattel to be used and discarded. I saw Simon's cot was broken. When he returns, it had best be fixed like new."

"Now wait--" Duncan was saying but Bensley turned and led me into the carriage waiting on the side of the street.

He helped me in and closed the door. The carriage started rolling down the road and Bensley exhaled, smiling charmingly like he always did.

"What a brute. Still, I believe I made my point. Are you alright, Simon?"

I looked up at Bensley in his fine clothes, his kind face, and my ears fell. "I know you know what happened to Avery. He was supposed to be in the picture but... but..."

"I know," Bensley said calmly. "You cared about him, yes? Like a brother? Gideon came by and told me what had happened. He said you two were thick as thieves."

"Y-yeah," I said, sniffling and wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "We were at the orphanage together. We also got picked by Alister together and... he was just always there. I didn't... I mean I never..."

Bensley sighed and sat back on his bench seat as the carriage rolled on. He looked out the window for a moment before speaking. "Simon, did I ever tell you about my son?"

I shook my head.

"You remind me of him so much," Bensley said with a smile and looked at me. "He was what his mother described as a 'good soul,' someone who was put on this planet to brighten the world around him, and he did. When he walked into a room people watched. He was gifted but humble, sweet but funny, devious but never mean. He was everything a man could hope for in a son."

"What happened to him?" I asked, though I had a feeling I already knew the answer.

Bensley sighed and flicked his ringed tail against his ankles. "He saw the world, Simon. I am a man who has not much need of money, and I let him explore his passion. I let him go to America, to China, too far away countries even though it was dangerous and he would be gone for a long time. Oh, the stories he would share with me in his letters and when he came home. You would have loved them, Simon. He painted a picture with words that no one could rival." Bensley's smile slowly dropped away and he sighed and looked down at his hands. "But one day he came home and he was a different young man. Barely an adult, he talked about how things weren't right in the world, even here in London. People suffered and hurt. It hurt him to know that someone was in pain and he couldn't do anything about it."

"That's not so bad. No one wants to see another person suffering, Professor," I said, sitting up straighter in the carriage.

"No, it isn't," Bensley began. "But I think the pain got to him. It... turned something in him. He took so much in and didn't let anyone help him carry it. He decided that if he couldn't do much as a scholar he would do something as a soldier. He joined the military and became an officer in Her Highnesses Navy." Bensley smiled and puffed up his chest.

"And for a while, he did well. He was serving on the HMS Winnipeg in the Caribbean, fending off pirates and the like from merchant ships. It wasn't like a hundred years ago when the golden age of piracy was a real issue for the crown, but he said he felt fulfilled defending people and making sure they were safe.

"Right after his promotion to Lieutenant Commander, his ship had, from what I understand, gotten itself into a bit of a mess. They were surrounded by a fleet of ships that had decided their policing of the waters was too much. The last reports we ever got was that the ship was lost with all hands aboard, including my son."

I was silent. What could I say? In my own hurt right now, all I wanted to do was cry more. Bensley was always so nice. Was he hurting like this, too?

"The pain of loss is the strongest emotion we can feel as living beings, Simon. It is the signal that we are alive and that we are capable of love and affection and a part of that wonderful feeling is gone. We feel like we won't ever be capable of loving like that again. I can only imagine your pain, but if it was like what I was going through, you feel like you're in a pit of darkness, and you keep running through what you could have said or done differently. That if you had been there, when your friend was hurting and needed you, you could have done something, am I right?"

I couldn't speak. I felt the tears rolling down my face, along my chin, when Bensley leaned forward and pulled me to the bench of his, hugging me tightly against him. We had never been affectionate like this. I had always been so worried I'd ruin his nice clothes, but the old raccoon held me tightly and rocked a little. I cried hard then. A different kind of cry then earlier with Gideon. This was just for Avery, my dear friend Avery.

When the carriage stopped at his house Bensley helped me out. He walked me inside and closed the door behind us. "What I was going to say earlier was that you find yourself again. You'll always miss him, your friend, but I like to think my son is with me, always. I am the man I am today because I got to raise him and nurture his mind and emotions. In a lot of ways Avery did the same for you; he was your emotional anchor, and without it you feel adrift like a ship lost to the currents. That's normal and it's fine to hurt like that."

I sniffled and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Bensley handed me a handkerchief from his pocket and I wiped my face down. I nodded. I couldn't talk right now, my throat hurt and my head pounded in my skull.

"I want you to stay here for the rest of the week, Simon," Bensley said as we walked into the parlor. "Loss is a lesson that is painful even for the oldest of us. If you stay alone in that... place with that badger, I fear that your pain may be exploited."

"Bensley, I can't, I--"

"I am going to pay Duncan for your missing services. It is the cost an old man can easily make." He smiled at me. "You need time to heal and recover. You need to process in a place where you feel safe, and with this Jack fellow wandering about, you are not the most observant pup in London. No, you will stay here," Bensley said and picked something square up from the table next to him. "I've already told your friend Gideon. He says it's a good idea too and will be by the day after tomorrow. Oh, and Mr. Dockson dropped something off."

Bensley held out the framed photograph. I stared at it and slowly plucked it from Bensley's hands, looking it over. The frame was a dark wood of some kind, smooth and well made. The picture though, that made me gasp.

There I was. There WE were. As if we were saved, like time froze. We looked so different than I always pictured in my head. I mean, I knew how we looked, but it was different. This was Gideon and me. Seeing the photograph actually managed to push the hurt out of my chest for the first time in days, and I smiled.

"There's the smile I know so well," Bensley said, walking over and patting my back. "It is a handsome photo. Gideon needs to work on his smiling, but you two are dashing. I have another frame for him, and some smaller non framed photos for the both of you. And before you try to pay me, these are gifts. The payment was seeing you smile again, my boy."

I was holding the frame to my chest, hugging it. I was not feeling alright. I wanted to cry and curl up into a ball still, and I missed Avery so much it hurt. But I was also reminded that the world wasn't so awful. People like Bensley and Gideon were still in my life, good people who wanted to see me happy.

"Thank you, Professor," I said softly and walked up to him, hugging him and smiling still from ear to ear. "This is... a lot to take in. But the picture... it's... I never dreamed I'd have my own photograph, sir."

"It's the wave of the future, my boy," Bensley said with a wide grin. "Just wait until they make them move. That's the theory anyway. Moving pictures. Just think, that picture of you could wave at you some day!"

The idea of myself waving to me made me laugh a little and shake my head. I just couldn't picture it, but I guess Bensley was right, it was the future. "I'll settle for color one day. You think they'll ever get there?"

"You will be surprised what can be accomplished in a civilization when desire to improve is paramount. Just look at how London herself has changed in a hundred years. It seems like new technologies are coming out every day, making things a little better.

I nodded and felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me. Why did crying make me so tired?! I yawned and braced myself against the sofa I was standing near. "I think I need a nap, professor. Do you... do you think you could tell me some stories about history tonight?"

"Why Simon," Bensley grinned. "I do think my love of history is rubbing off on you, oho! Of course I'll tell you some wonderful stories. How about the Sacred Band of Thebes? A really fascinating story of Ancient Greece."

"Sure," I said and yawned, and turned to walk down the hallway where the bedrooms were. Bensley always had me sleep in the same room, the last one on the right. I would come to learn it was his son's old room. But that was not for a while, yet.

"Oh!" Bensley said, a charming smile crossing his muzzle. "And at the end of the week a friend of mine is coming over. He will sketch what you've seen of this Jack fellow. He was really excited to meet you, Simon. I'm sure you'll love his company."