Wide World of Weird Episode 1: Mecha-Kaiju Island
Wide World of Weird
Episode #1
Mecha-Kaiju Island
A strange catamaran featuring a wedge shaped craft on triangular pantaloons approaches an abandoned island city in Japanese coastal waters at noon. Towards the rear of the craft is an osprey getting ready for take off. Inside a German Shepherd is arguing with a horse via satellite teleconferencing software.
"Gunther!" A horse in the attire of a corporate raider yells at the dog in the red and black armored bodysuit of a spec ops agent. "I'm telling you this nonsense of a secret Japanese military program for building killer robots is a load of hooey!"
"Yelling at me won't change my mind, J.R.," Gunther Schell says firmly at a normal volume, "Your wife thinks it will make a good story regardless and your brother is so into post apocalypse that he couldn't sign the checks fast enough."
"Footage of the ruins is the only reason I haven't pulled the rank and had the plug yanked," Jonathan Robert Morgan growls. "And none of that C.G.I. shit to get ratings. Where you get the budget for that on what I allow you for this liberal peep show I'll never know."
"What C.G.I.?" A male ferret with a bowl haircut asks as he and his brother ferrets, one with wing tip hairstyle, one whose hair is parted down the middle and a bald ferret, walk in. "We don't have the budget for that. Any weirdness we broadcast is what we caught on film."
"BULLSHIT!!!" J.R. yells. "It has to be something added in post. Shit like that does NOT exist! Do you hear me!?! You're adding extra 'entertainment value' to the film, It's that simple."
"Maybe you'd like to come with us sometime?" Gunther offers in inquiry.
"The places you are exploring are not stable enough..." J.R. starts to say.
"Now who's full of shit?" Moe D. Stooge states with a grin. "we have ways of taking you with us that will pose no danger to your substantial frame whatsoever."
"He's afraid he'd have to eat his words, Moe," Gunther says with a smirk:"Then again you are meeting us in Russia after this, right?"
"I'm already there doing preproduction." J.R. says smugly.
"How many?" Gunther asks sarcastically to which he gets a look from J.R. that causes the dog just cocks his head to the side, fold his arms across his chest and taps his foot.
"None of your DAMN business!!!" J.R. thunders and deletes his connection as a tora inu bitch joins them on the bridge.
"Do I want to know?" She asks to which the brothers just whistle. "I know Morgan-San provides the 'skeptic's eye' for the show..."
"J.R. 's preparing his rebuttal for the next program," Gunther states. "We're going to Russia to investigate rumors of ice soldiers but he's doing it from a ski resort..."
"I think I get the innuendo," she smirks. "I am Mitsubishi Megumi..."
"Representing the Japanese government," Gunther smiles. "I'm Gunther Schell, the ferrets are my film crew, Moe Z, Larry A, Shemp D and Karl E Stooge. Glad to have you aboard Miss Mitsubishi."
"In more ways than one I'm sure," Megumi says with a smirk. "But let's keep this professional, shall we?"
"Certainly," Gunther says with a smile and the turns to the ferrets: "Are we ready to go?"
"Yup." Moe states with an emphatic nod. "That's what we came into tell you. The osprey is all packed and ready to fly."
"All right," Gunther says with a smirk, "Time to suit up and make some magic."
Gunther and Megumi both suit up in sleek black body armor with red trim protective and form fiting Megumi looks askance of Gunther as they don their helmets and go up to the flight deck. She also has a few questions as to why there is armor for female along with his set of armor.
"Were you expecting me?" Megumi asks. "Or a femme of my measurements?"
"We keep a female suit increase I get a co-host for a given episode," Gunther admits.
"Co-Host?!" Megumi exclaims, "I'm here to..." the internal communicator on her suit beeps. "I guess the check just cleared; there are secure microphones in these helmets?"
"Of course, how do you think we're talking now?" Gunther says as they reach the osprey. "Any question before we take off?"
"Uh," Megumi starts, "What exactly are the sleeping arrangements and how comfortable is the plane seats in these things? Also, will I be armed?"
"We'll both be armed, you can have your own area if you want, just stick close so we can watch over each other and only the Stooge brothers are the only ones in the osprey." Gunther states as Karl E (the bald ferret) and Larry A (the wing tip ferret) hand the pair jet packs. "The show is about to begin"
While Moe and Larry start the engines Shemp and Karl set up the cameras. Karl, who is manning the camera, gives Gunther the thumbs up for them to start their jet packs. Gunther and Megumi soar into the sky as Karls films their flight especially when a mechanical sea serpent momentarily breaches and makes an arch with its body for them to fly through.
Shemp D Stooge adds in song "Psycho Circus" by KISS as the pair fly the gauntlet of the mechanical sea dragon's loops to get to Battleship Island proper. Morgan is already yelling at the Stooge brothers for CGI in the feed that he's watching when it shows its head. Undaunted Gunther starts his opening monologue to shut Morgan up.
"Hello everyone, this is Gunther Schell and you've tuned into the Wide World of Weird simulcasted on the History and Sci-Fi channels. This week we're on location on Battleship Island in lovely Japan. I am joined in this exploration by the lovely Megumi Mitsubishi on loan to us by the Provincial Japanese government.
Currently we are en route on his and her jet packs and the loops we are flying through are the humps of a mechanized sea dragon just one of many metal monsters reputed to dwell around the island which I understand was a factory among other things. Or am I mistaken Megumi?"
"What? I have lines?" Megumi asks nervously before she sees her lines scrolling across her visor. "Yes, Gunther, it was a living factory in that the workers and their families lived in the island while making various products for export." Then they go to a commercial break. "That was rather abrupt, I hope this isn't live."
"We'll edit out your surprise in post," Moe assures. "Just try to relax and carry on a conservation with Gunther. The lines are only for when you can't think of what to say. Of course, feel free to paraphrase."
"Are we both on a script?" Megumi asks.
"You're both supposed to be," Larry A admits, "But Gunther usually does his homework so he can ad lib."
"Yeah, because J.R. has toe approve the script," Gunther says in a sarcastic tone, "But for the most part he's an armchair debunker. The show is supposed to push his agenda."
"But Gunther-san is a weirdness magnet," Megumi giggles. "And he has the luck to be in the right place at the right time to catch what Morgan-san wants to convince the world does not exist."
"That's basically it in a nut shell," Karl E. says proudly. "It's what drives the old war horse 'round the bend."
Everyone has a laugh about this until the end of the commercial break. Gunther and Megumi are still making their way to the island as J.R. is doing his first Skeptic's Corner which is annoying Megumi something fierce as Gunther keeps on her to keep her temper as J.R. isn't worth it. J.R. actually can hear Gunther and Megumi but he's too into his spiel to acknowledge what their saying as the two dogs narrowly avoid crashing into the coils of the metal sea serpent.
Moe pilots the osprey to a semi stable and is quickly joined by Gunther and Megumi a short distance away. Larry tosses Gunther a USAS-12 assault shotgun and a bandolier of grenades with another set of grenades and an M-16 for Megumi. Megumi looks askance at Gunther as he explains that the grenades are EMP (Electro-Magnetic Pulse) grenades which should work on most of the monsters they will find here.
Shemp and Karl come out of the osprey in their own suits that feature helmet cams and shoulder mounted spotlights. They are not armored with weapons but special equipment for making sure everything is safe that doesn't fighting. Behind them the Chinese sea dragon rises and bellows before shooting two of its whiskers at them.
The whiskers somehow transform into a pair of katanas that empathically call to Gunther and Megumi although both are leery about touching them. Gunther is first to take his up and gets a kind of message from the kami Susano-o thanking him for the air show. Megumi gives off a nervous laugh after picking hers up but says nothing as J.R. starts on another tirade about special effects for ratings.
Mechanical scorpions arise and attempt to swarm the team but Gunther growls: "Oh no you don't!" and brings his USAS-12 to bear. The USAS-12 throws up a wall of lead as a means of protection as the mecha scorpions combine to form a much larger version of themselves. What started as a small horde of cat sized mechanical scorpions is now one tank sized mechanical scorpion.
A though occurs to Gunther who puts away his shotgun and draws his new katana. The monster registers this move by getting more hostile. Its tail turns into a machine gun and it shoots at Gunther specifically and the team in general.
Gunther's ankle gets hit but the armor is just good enough to stop it from going through. Megumi flies onto its back with a running jump enhanced by the suit itself and draws her katana. It sends its claws to grab and crush her but not before the ninja bitch severs its tail with her sword.
The thing is intent on crushing Megumi when Gunther kills its claws. Together Gunther and Megumi make junkyard sushi out to the thing. The fact that J.R> is screaming complaints regarding the "C.G.I." effects in his feed goes without saying.
"If you were here with us," Megumi growls, "I swear I'd give you a 'mundane experience in terror' specifically I'd kick your scrotum so hard you'd need a strap-on to satisfy your wife."
"You mean he'd need his wife's strap-on," Gunther says to which cuts in.
"Enough of that!" J.R. belligerently bellows nervously. "Moe, you'd better edit that out in post."
"I thought we were making this a live broadcast," Moe lies effectively. "Of course you could just shut up."
"And let you broadcasts lies on MY show? Never!" J.R. thunders.
"Yeah, you are executive producer," Gunther counters, "But whose name is on the show's marquee?"
"Don't worry about it, guys and gal," Larry cuts in. "Virginia is getting on his tail now. He's gonna be too busy arguing with his mate to bother us for awhile."
"I take it Virginia is his wife?" Megumi asks.
"Yup and he's in trouble because she's fully aware of his wandering eye." Gunther says matter-of-factly.
"What about yours?" Megumi asks mockingly as she slaps Gun's ass.
"I'm not her husband or yours for that matter," Gunther says as he moves to grope her rear.
"Catch me first!" Megumi yells as she dashes off.
"Here we go again!" Gunther and the brothers say as one.
Gunther goes after Megumi as a matter of course and its only when she runs into an apartment building does she miscalculate her surroundings and the weight of her suit. The floor gives out beneath her and the only reason she isn't dead or majorly injured from busting through a few floors before settling where she does is partially due to the suit and the fact that it was designed for these situations. Megumi also managed to position herself for a softer landing as well due to her training.
"Are you alright?" Gunther asks after he follows the trail of broken floors to get to her.
"Hi! The only thing I really hurt is my pride." Megumi ruefully admits to herself as Gunther helps her up. "Where are we anyway?"
"Gunther!" Moe yells. "I'm getting seismic anomalies in your general area. Major activity and I don't mean quakes!"
A drill bit the size of a human head attached to a mechanical arm burst from the floor just inches away from the dogs. The one is followed by several similar drill arms moments later. A buzz saw precedes a metal nautilus shell that emerges from the ground lie a mecha kraken rising from the depths.
Both dogs look at the thing, then each other and then decide to run for their lives. Loose dirt gives way to a metal ramp as the dogs are running scared. Believing themselves semi safe, the pair turn with katanas drawn; prepared to make their stand.
Crimson halogen eyes glare at them balefully as the thing has enough sense to realize its prey is able to defend themselves now. It issues a roar before attacking with its drill tentacles as if it needs to prey on them to survive. Stumps are what it gets back as the katanas cleave through the appendages easily with the two dogs working in tandem for mutual defense.
Despite being of different breeds Gunther and Megumi are both dogs and by that token they are both wolves and as wolves they form a small pack. Karl E finds remote native cameras to activate and record from as the battle progresses. Both dogs are bloody as their armor has taken serious damage as they whittle down the strength of their enemy.
Gunther and Megumi fight their way back through a door of the corridor and into an automated factory that is still in operation machine pressing out munitions for siege cannons and smaller arms as well as more domestic and exportable goods. All metal Astro Cub lunchboxes both in Japanese and English causes them to laugh nervously although when they get to the assembly line making Marine Pup lunchboxes, Gunther can't help himself.
"Whoever is in charge of this can bill me later," Gunther announces to nobody in particular, "I just want one of these for myself."
"That series hasn't been on the air for years," Megumi says with a giggle but takes a Japanese version for herself. "My father bootlegs of the series..."
"At this point I know I saw reruns of it but I have fond memories of this series." Gunther admits. "But let's see what else is around as long as we're down here."
"Vibrators?" Megumi asks as she looks over a pile of something.
It's at this time that Karl and Shemp join them. Megumi is the pup who got her hand caught in the cookie jar as almost helped herself to a vibrator. She considers the fact that all this is going back to her superiors and acts accordingly. The factory drives J.R. crazy as he has no explanation for it that won't land him in hot water somewhere.
The next room is a bit of a horror show as various species of Japanese and American furs of both genders dead, naked and floating in tubes of some weird green glowing fluid. The causes of death of the corpses vary but all of them involved violence and the loss of body mass is common as well. The ferrets are skittish; Gunther is alarmed and disturbed; Megumi is terrified but doesn't show it.
As the team parades past the palladium of death a few of the corpses seem to watch their passage. Every time Gunther stops to look at a corpse that caught his eye, Megumi "accidently" bumps into him. Gunther interprets this to indicate they should move on and keeps moving as he can see that the creepshow is creeping out his crew.
Sparks fall from the ceiling onto the floor as the group pass which causes some concern as the only lights comes from the partially a glass columns with the floating corpses. Something stirs and moves in the near dark that can't be rightly seen but its presence can be definitely be felt. Suddenly the team finds a video wall with every television showing the snow of a non-functioning station.
One by one the televisions turn on and displays the story of one of the dead interned here. Death scenes a plenty play out as a laugh track starts up in a macabre manner. As everyone is morbidly fascinated by the display Gunther notices a door and walks through it.
The scene is something of a cheesy science fiction flick combined with old horror shows. Switces and dials a plenty meet the eye all around the room with Tesla coils sprinkled in for good measure. In the center of the room is a vision that causes Megumi, who had just followed Gunther in, to scream: a brain in a flying technological jar.
"It's been quite some time since I've had visitors," a voice from the vicinity of the brain says in a dull tone in Japanese that Gunther's helmet translates.
"Japanese brain in a braincase of possible Nazi super-science manufacture," Gunther observes, "Unless I'm greatly mistaken."
"You ARE well informed," the brain states in English with amusement, "You do your homework on your own it would seem."
"I try," Gunther admits. "Who do I have the honor of addressing or is that, 'irrelevant'?"
"It is actually," the brain states smugly, "You're not going to live long enough for it to matter in any case."
"Typical megalomaniac," Gunther says with a sigh and a frown as he advances with his katana drawn, "I take it you're controlling the mecha-kaiju around here?"
"That would be a correct assumption," the brain says, "How amusing; you actually think your can beat me."
"He's not alone!" Megumi yells in Japanese as she opens up with her M-16.
"Stupid bitch!" The brain laughs as it blasts her with electricity. "Did you really think the glass of my body wasn't bulletproof?"
"No," Megumi smiles through the pain as chaff explodes around the brain's case, "I was just distracting you for Gunther."
The disembodied brain has no retort as the electrical systems are down temporarily as Gunther chops at the clear plastic glass with his katana. Cracks start to form as the brain does what it can mentally to get its defenses back on-line. An electrical surge results as it gets back its life support and the jar flies again and becomes confused because the voltage should have been enough to kill Gunther but he's still swinging his sword.
Rumbling laught can be heard as Gunther slices through the glass and slays the brain in one power stroke. The katanas disappear after the slaughtering is complete. Megumi smirks as she surmises that Susano-o took back the swords after they killed whoever that was.
The fight with the brain is not even mentioned in the final edit but Gunther gets his own reward as the Stooge brothers go over the film in post ops. Megumi thanks Gunther in her own way in Gunther's bedroom on the yacht. Gunther is careful to avoid any sushi jokes as he eats Megumi out while she licks at his scrotum.
Megumi knows her superiors would not exactly approve of her sleeping with Gunther but she figures if the rumors are true then she does want one night with him just for the experience of it. Gunther earns his reputation kissing his way back up to her breasts and the proceeds to lick her tits and suckle at her nipples. His invasion is welcomed ever as he makes sure he wears a ribbed condom as he enters her.
She grips the sheets and lets the male do as he do as he pleases while she has to bite her own tongue to make sure she doesn't moan too loudly. The Alsation hits as many of the Kai Ken's pleasure points as he can before his forming know forces him to recede. Or he would have before she asks him to stop and let the knot form in her to which he accedes.
When the show actually airs Megumi is getting grilled by her superiors in a clandestine ninja clan with secret ties to both the Japanese national government and American Shadow Government with the show itself playing in the background. Her superiors are more concerned about the sex she had afterwards and even then it's the fact that we wore a condom that they are most upset about. Apparently breeding with Gunther was something they had planned for her.