FSE

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*Author's Note*

You may want to check out the Emotions story before reading this series. It will greatly explain each character so you know what happens. Fave and Comment! http://www.sofurry.com/page/175486/user

*Loneliness*

(Milo)

Red and green -two colors that brought joy to every heart, especially cubs. There was not a single second the two colors could not be spotted. Everywhere you turn, the glow of red and green bounced off rooftops, blending the beautiful colors with shiny white snow.

The time of year came around once more; the beautiful holiday -Christmas. Not one house was not decorated, each one had its unique look. Reindeer and snowmen décor stood atop houses, occupied with red and green lights, while some had plain lights surrounding the homes.

Furs and humans filled the streets. Everyone ran in and out of stores, driving from place to place in attempt to finish their shopping. Time was running out with only two weeks until Christmas. The streets of Chicago received its busiest days as last minute shoppers poured in and out of stores.

I was one of those shoppers. I had not found the time to do Christmas shopping, with exams only a week away. Lucky for me, a friend came alone to accompany me -Alex. Neither of us found the chance to actually shop. We both were too busy studying, together.

Ever since our encounter in Pre-Cal, we've spent more and more time with one another. A nice friendship developed. Not only did we help each other in the class we shared, but we spent many nights doing other assignments. He even stayed over a few times.

Our friendship was strong, but I always wondered how long it would last. Two gay guys hanging out -it always ended up as something more. I wanted to be more than friends. Often I wondered how it would feel to be in Alex's strong arms, to be held by the white lion, but I knew nothing of the sort would ever happen. Even if he wanted to be more than friends, I would turn him down. I could barely touch my own parents; I was not ready to be in a relationship. It would not be fair to Alex.

One can dream, right? I dreamed. My fantasies would run in a fury. I wanted to kiss Alex's lips; explore his body, muscle by muscle; hold his arm in public. Deep down I wanted to be his, and for him to be mine. Even though my mind wanted solitude, my body ached for physical contact. It ached for love -it ached for something more than friends.

The relationship Alex and I possessed would suffice. He looked after me, while I watched his back. We were not a couple, but what we had resembled a couple's relationship. He came to my cheerleading drills; I attended his football games; I invited him over and cooked; he watched over me -much like someone else did in my past.

Blake

I forgave Blake a long time ago. Alex was to thank for that. With Alex in my life, everything seemed a lot easier. If there was any emotion left for Blake, it was envy. I envied his relationship with Austin. At school, I watched the two -hold hands, kiss, sit together at lunch. They portrayed a legit, gay couple.

"I'm surprised you actually came out with me tonight," Alex said. "Usually you make an excuse, or just want to stay home. What's the special occasion?"

"Umm, I don't know? Maybe it's Saturday, and two weeks till Christmas!" I said, starting to laugh.

True enough Alex helped me pull my life together, but I still had the phobia of being in public. I feared that someone from my dark past would show up -someone like Vick. Today was different. Shopping needed to be done, and I had Alex with me. He made my mind ease up a bit.

"Wish everyday was Christmas... Would be nice to see you out more," Alex said. He looked down at me before quickly turning to the side and sneezed. "Damn weather..."

I chuckled and continued walking. Alex always complained about the weather. His fur was not as fluffy as mine, so he wore a large black coat, mittens, a scarf, and two pair of pants, the outer pants being loose Levi Jeans. Myself, on the other paw, wore a pair of tight blue jeans and a sweater. My fur served as a winter coat.

"Stop being such a cub." I nudged Alex and started to laugh, again.

Alex's stuffed his paws into the coat's pocket. "You're lucky. Your fur gets all puffy and warm, while mine stay short and thin."

"Sucks for you," I stated and continued forward. "So what are you out to get? I'm just going to get my mom some earrings and my dad a nice tie and belt."

"Just going to get the roommate a new 360 controller, and maybe that new Halo Reach game he's been talking about," Alex answered. "I don't have many gifts to buy, I guess..."

Alex also was not getting much for Christmas. His parents did not want anything to do with him, and his roommate probably bought him one gift. Christmas, for him, did not look so good. Luckily, the white lion had me. All week I've fished out information from the feline. With the intel gathered, I bought a few gifts for my friend: A football jersey, tickets to the next Chicago Bear's game, Madden 2011, and a football with his name stitched on. Alex was a big football fan.

"How about getting me something?!" I said smiling.

"Who's to say I haven't already gotten you something?" Alex said, smiling back.

"Oh? Ok. Whatever it is better not be big," I started. "You have bills to pay, and yourself to support."

"Don't worry about my finances. I can afford to get you something. You deserve a nice gift, no matter how big or small it is."

"Just don't overdo it..." I demanded.

Alex shook his head as we walked into a store.

I knew Alex would overdo the gift. Even though the white lion had bills to pay, and expenses, he always spent his money aimlessly. When we went out to eat he paid, knowing our meals were expensive. At times I felt bad, but I never said anything. I did not want to offend him.

After we finished Christmas shopping, Alex and I went back to my place. My parents had sent text message after text message, giving me direct orders to come straight home after Christmas shopping. It seemed strange for them to want me home so early, especially since I've been lounging around the house for months. Though that was not the strangest part; my parents instructed me to have Alex come with me.

Once we stepped foot inside my parents rushed at us, giving very loud, vivid instructions. Mom was the first to approach us. Her face showed excitement.

"You two get up stairs, NOW!" Mom instructed, pushing both myself and Alex.

I turned around, swinging the bags holding the gifts I bought, almost hitting mom in the noggin. Luckily, she ducked, letting the bag pass right over her head.

"What's going on?!" I demanded. "You two have been bugging me to come home ALL day, and when I do you push me up the stairs."

Mom looked at dad, and dad looked at mom. They both smiled before giving their attention back to me. They were giving that parental approving smile. Like when you choose the college they want you to attend, or marrying a person with a good job, nice car, and own a house.

"Just say... you have an early Christmas present up stairs." Dad said, pushing his glasses up.

Hearing about an early present shot excitement through my veins! I ran up the stairs, smiling wide, almost to the point my jaws hurt. As I made my way up the stairs, my tail wrapped around Alex's arm, sort of like how the red wraps itself around the white on a candy-cane, dragging the white lion up to my room.

"I wonder what they bought me?"

Excitement bounced around my voice like a joyful pup on Christmas morning. What was the present? Something I've wanted for a long time, I assume. Could it have been the new Mac Book Pro I've only dreamt of having for the past year? Maybe it is a new car! But how would a car fit in my room? They could have left the keys on my bed, but there wasn't a new car parked outside. Maybe it was in the garage?

I couldn't keep my excitement at bay -it had to burst out. We dashed to my room; my tail remained around the white, muscular arm. Not once did I look back at the White Lion. I was way too excited to give him any attention. I don't even know why I dragged him along. My tail finally unleashed his arm when we made it to my room. I looked around, examining -searching for my present. The bags I held fell to the floor.

"Oh where, oh where is this so called present..." I said, walking around my room, checking under the bed, closet, dressers, and each corner, coming up with no present.

The sound of my door closing could be heard, and caused my attention to shot toward its direction. The fur responsible for the shutting of my door was Alex. With his paw still on the nob, he slowly turned around, giving a playful smile before slowly walking toward me.

"Found your gift yet?" Alex said, continuing his soft, playful smile.

"No," I spat. I wondered why he had that smile on across his muzzle, and his reason for shutting the door, but my excitement and frustration for finding the hidden gift quickly engaged my thoughts. "Help me find my gift! This is really pissing me off..."

Alex, instead of helping me search for the mystery gift, sat down on my bed. He stared at me while I wandered around, picking up clothes, checking under underwear in my dresser, and examined under the bed. As I was rising from checking under the bed, a full view of Alex's smiling face was presented. He laid flat on his stomach, with his legs up, staring at me, our muzzles only a few inches apart.

I looked into his soft, blue eyes and asked, "Why are you staring at me?"

"Because something doesn't make sense..." He said in almost a question.

"What doesn't make sense?"

"Why such a cute, gay foxy doesn't have a nice guy in his life."

A light blush stained my cheeks from his remark. No one had called me cute in some time, and the guy who I've been crushing on for over three months was the one to say I was cute. Not only were my cheeks burning, but my entire body felt overly-heated.

"B-because... I'm still in recovery..." I said, shyly.

"Recovery?" Alex asked. "What are you recovering from? An injury?"

What was I recovering from? After so many months I still haven't told Alex about that horrible night. Why should I have told him? It was a topic that isn't talked about over a cup or tea, and definitely not something to talk about while you're still having nightmares about. It was not easy telling people I was raped.

Lately all of my nightmares have come to a halt. In the past month I've had not one nightmare of the dreadful night, compared to replaying the event every time my eyes closed. For some odd reason, it felt as if Alex was the reason for the decrease in nightmares. In a way, he deserved to know.

"You remember that kid who was raped last year?" Alex nodded. "Well...that kid who was raped, beaten, and left for dead in an alley, right around the corner was me..."

I paused, briefly, as Alex's eyes went wide.

"I was walking home one night after a party. The guy, Vick, that human you see in the wheelchair at school threw a party," I explained. "I went because it was the party of our first victory. All the cheerleaders and basketball team was like required to go. Anyway, once I got there the guy, Vick, started making fun of me because I was gay. Pulling at my pants... crazy, homophobe, drunk shit. Blake came to my rescue and told, no forced me to leave the party while he stayed back and handled Vick.

"I walked home, alone. It was cold, dark, and I was so alone... You know the feeling when something bad is going to happen? I could remember feeling that. I wanted to get home fast, so I took a shortcut through an alley. While I cut through the alley, some guys attacked and raped me, right there in the cold walkway. I was put in a coma... a body cast... it was just horrible."

Tears began to form in my eyes as I moved deeper into the story, almost reliving the experience.

"Blake... after he found out about it... he shot Vick in the leg..." The tears finally flowed down my cheek. "All because of me..."

A set of strong, white arms wrapped around me. Alex held me close to him; my tears rolled from my cheeks, to his chest, creating wet spots on his shirt. He gently rubbed down my back, whispering in my ear.

"I'm sorry that happened to you... I wish I was there to protect you..." Alex leaned back, placed a finger under my chin, lift it up, and lowered his muzzle, planting a soft kiss on my lips.

My eyes closed, and an arm wrapped around his neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss. A kiss, something so simple, is what I've waited for. I dreamt of kissing a fur again, having my lips pressed tight to another set of lips, sharing something so passionate, and so full of love. I wanted it to last forever, but something came up -something very unexpected.

A memory of Blake penetrated my thoughts. My mind raced back into the past, remembering the last time I shared a kiss, and where my heart lead to. I remembered why Blake ventured off. At the time a physical relationship was almost impossible for me. With all the things gone wrong in my life, and my mental state, I couldn't hold a healthy relationship. I can't, no, I won't do that to Alex.

I placed both paws on the firm chest and pushed back, breaking the kiss. Alex did not seem to want our show of affection to end so briefly. His arm tried to pull me closer, but my body wouldn't allow such actions. I did not want to give off any more signals than I already had.

"I can't do this," I said, looking up into those ocean blue eyes.

"W-what? Why? I thought we were finally connecting..."

"We were... I mean, we're not... no, I mean we can't. I can't connect with you, or anyone for that matter."

"Milo, what is wrong?" Alex asked, concerned and hurt. "Why are you acting this way... is it that you don't like me?"

"No!" I blurted out. "You're a great guy, but..."

"But what?"

"But I can't be with you. I'm not right for someone like you. I can't be held, or touched without curling into a ball. I take medicine every morning to keep the pain away... It's not fair to you if you have to put up with my shitty problems!"

I stood up, with Alex quickly following. He grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him once more.

"You're doing just fine, you see?" Alex looked down at our bodies touching. "I'm able to touch you, and you're not in a ball, so what is the problem, huh?"

I shuffled out of his grip and moved back. He was wrong. This would not last long. Soon the dreams would return and I would be an emotional wreck. Alex would soon leave me, and I'll be even worse off than when Blake left. The best thing to do was stop it before we got ahead of ourselves.

"No! Just stop, Alex... Can't you understand I'm doing this for you? In the end you'll leave me! Why do you want to ruin our friendship, huh?!"

Alex stood there, dumbfound. No words came from his muzzle, just a blank stare. His long, thin tail, hung motionless behind the also motionless body. He reach out to place a paw on my shoulder, but I quickly shrugged it away, backing up a few feet. A frown occupied his face now.

"You think I'll leave you, because of something like that? Do you even know who I am? I'm your best friend; your buddy; your study partner. And if you let me I can be your boyfriend... lover... mate..."

I didn't need any of those. Boyfriends required kissing. Lovers make passionate love under the stars, or after really romantic dates. Mates stay in and cuddle with one another. I could give Alex none of those things. It was hard kissing -flashbacks of Blake experiences came to play. I couldn't make love -the rape situation turned me off to sex. Cuddling was definitely out of the picture. I could not be touched, well, not for long periods of times.

"We are just friends, Alex. If you can't accept that, then we should not see each other anymore..." I turned around, walked toward the door, opened it, and left out, without even glancing back at the White Lion. As I made my way down the stairs, I could see my parents smiling.

"Did you like your gift?" Mom asked as I walked past.

I forgot all about my secret present, though it did not matter at the moment. I did not want a gift, or to be around anyone. I just wanted to be alone -far away from everyone. I didn't answer my mom. I walked to the door, grabbed my jacket, and made my way into the cold, powdery snow...