FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

After RiverBEND, Lilith got Rayner to join the group for supper. Even bought him a large steak to make up for having to cut his hoodie apart. Technically, Rayner had hated that hoodie as it was one of his brothers hand me downs, so all in all, he felt okay. Full, after he ate the steak.

Rayner mainly listened to the conversations around him. He said a little about himself but kept it vague, saying he was from the country. Lilith added he was from an unaccepting part of the family. That got a lot of sympathy from the beings around him like she said it would. He listened to a couple of stories, both in awe and horror.

The small Dachshund sitting across from them had ended up in the hospital after coming out of high school. He said he'd do it again, though. The school had expelled the one who did it to him, and it started a talk about what it would take to "get with the times," as he put it.

A calico, not the loud one, chimed in at one point and told them about how her school did nothing. She wasn't put in the hospital but was held down, and her fur was shaved off in several places more than once. When she fought back, she and the others had all been suspended and how that created drama at home. She said it wasn't worth it. That nothing was worth what she went through.

After that, there were a lot of them who admitted they weren't out at home. Rayner felt both saddened by that fact and a little bit comforted. Lilith said very bluntly that it was better to be safe than sincere. Rayner wasn't sure he agreed but didn't say anything.

"Here, take this," Lilith said at the end of the evening as they walked outside. She pulled his hoodie out of her bag and handed it back to him.

"Thank you," Rayner said as he took it and rubbed it between his paws, "for this and the help... and the evening... and that steak."

"Good, right?" she asked with a smile, "sorry you didn't see who you were looking for."

"I," Rayner muttered and looked up at her. His ears and nose began to burn quickly at the comment, "thank you."

"You're really new to all this, aren't you?" Lilith asked but didn't let him answer, "it gets easier, sometimes it's shitty and sometimes it's great. That's the game, though. Have a good rest of the evening."

"You too," Rayner said and waved good night.

That night he slept sounder than he had in a very long time.

Friday morning was bright and annoying to Rayner. He awoke to his alarm with the sense that he had missed a couple of hours of sleep. He hadn't, but it felt like it. Thankfully he wasn't numb, though, like he was last week. He was disappointed the other wolf wasn't there but his time was well spent.

At Josh's place, they talked and did very little studying. It was mostly about classes and everything they had to do but eventually got into hobbies and sports. Rayner didn't think he had either until they pointed out that butchering was a hobby. Not something he could do in the city, though.

"So, did you mystery wolf show up this week?" Kacy asked when there was a lull in the conversation.

"No," Rayner admitted sadly but added quickly, "I talked with this other wolf though."

"Is she cute?" Kacy asked quickly, earning a slap from Olive.

"No, she scares the shit out of me," Rayner said flatly and openly, "she's also above me."

"Those are the best type of dates," Kacy remarked. Olive hit him again making him whine, "Stop it."

"Stop being a douche," Olive commanded.

"You hitting me while I'm thinking about dating is probably why I have a weird appetite," Kacy explained. Olive was about to hit him again but stopped and growled at him.

"Above you?" Josh asked.

"Hierarchy," Rayner explained, getting a little uncomfortable about it, "I took her word like it was absolute."

"Those are the best dates," Kacy almost giggled with a smile wider than Josh usually had. Olive got up and went to the kitchen just to get away.

"No," Rayner said as he tried to get that sentence out of his mind, "I got heatstroke trying to hide my fur, and she helped. She helped a lot."

"Are you still wearing that hoodie?" Josh asked, concerned.

"Not anymore," Rayner explained, "I almost passed out, and she whipped out this knife and cut it off me. It's in the dumpster."

"Holy shit, really," Kacy whimpered, almost panting, "if you aren't going to date her, can I get her number?"

"Fantasize all you want," Rayner said flatly, "I can guarantee you aren't her type."

"Just don't fantasise here," Olive yelled from the kitchen, "I can't stand the way you smell when you get worked up."

They let the subject drop there and changed it to what they were doing for their adventure. This weekend was an indoor obstacle course and climbing area that had opened at a mall across town. The area used to be one of those obnoxious art installations when it opened, but when the mall opened, it tried to be posh. That failed hard, and the mall changed hands to someone who did the research for a steal of a price.

It was fun enough for the price, but it was a rather short adventure. There were also so many pups around that it was hard to feel like this was meant for adults. Olive set a time record, so that was at least interesting. Lunch in the food court was meh at best. There were only fast food options available; all of them had too much grease and not enough meat.

The next week was painful in a couple of ways. Midterms happened, and Rayner wasn't as prepared as he had hoped. It was a 'B' but Rayner was used to getting a B+ or better. Next was the meeting, still no wolf. He sort of figured because there were so few at the meeting with midterms, it'd make sense that he wouldn't show up.

The group asked on Friday again and again Rayner answered carefully enough to show almost the whole picture. Kacy was now more interested in hearing about Lilith, which was odd to talk about. Rayner never said anything specifically, but it was weird to describe her life the way she lied about it.

The next two weeks went by as that one did. Rayner's hopes of meeting the wolf again were dwindling to the point where he sometimes wandered campus just looking for the wolf he remembered. The wolf probably felt uncomfortable in the group like he had. Maybe he just needed help like Lilith had helped him? The campus was a big place and there were a lot of beings in it.

"Do you know any wolves like me?" Rayner asked Lilith sort of out of the blue on a Thursday in early November, "that'd be interested in me."

"No," Lilith admitted, "Not really my crowd, though."

"Good point," Rayner said with a sigh.

"I'd say go to Prism, but you don't strike me as a club wolf," Lilith explained.

"I could be?" Rayner muttered.

"You could try online dating?" Lilith offered, "It's more common but be clear about what you want and only talk to those you want."

"That sounds," Rayner said hesitantly, "did you have a bad experience?"

"Multiple," Lilith explained, "Bitches be bitches, but some of them can be absolute cunts."

"Okay," Rayner muttered, he did think he could be embarrassed by swearing, but that was something else to him, "I think I'm good then.

"You could just ask David," Lilith suggested.

"I'd rather be alone," Rayner whispered coldly, "could you date a cat?"

"No," Lilith chuckled, "and not what I meant. David knows everyone, and if you want a date, David is probably better than most apps at this point."

"Still," Rayner frowned to himself and groaned.

He wasn't sure if getting more beings involved in this was a good idea. It wasn't until he saw Lilith put her paw down and the smile on her muzzle that Rayner clued in that she wasn't waiting.

Once Rayner saw him, the leopard was dancing his way over to their table until he got off the hardwood floor and onto the carpet. Walking calmly after that, he looked both of them over and then sat down with a smile.

"Bosses table," David said slyly before asking, "did I do something wrong?"

"You know everyone," Lilith stated, "do you know the wolves from the first meeting."

"Other than you and Pinewood here," David quietly said with a glance at Rayner. Tilting his ears back, Rayner groaned but didn't say anything. David couldn't help the smile that had formed as he continued, "my god, you're adorable."

"That's why I'm trying to find him a date," Lilith muttered.

"Oh!" David gleefully exclaimed and then dived quickly into what he knew, "Good. Well, there was Barb, Tim, and Mercy at the first meeting and two other wolves I don't know."

"Which one was Tim?" Rayner asked quickly.

"Blue head fur," David explained, mostly to Rayner's disappointment, "tons of fake piercings."

"Thought you knew everyone," Lilith enjoyed saying.

"Don't play with me bitch," David cooly said quietly with a lot more of a camp accent expected. He playfully stuck his pierce tongue out at her before adding, "I know everyone important."

"I'm important?" Rayner asked, mostly to himself.

"You're with the queen," David almost scoffed as he turned to Rayner, "and a Pinewood to boot. Only seen one of you in the wild before. You really a cult?"

"It's not a cult," Rayner monotonically replied, "it's just a large family."

"You're pagans on a farm," David whispered excitedly, "that's more cult than when you were weird Christians on a farm. Do you do like ritual sacrifices now?"

"Why?" Rayner asked cooly as the line of questions started, "you want to volunteer?"

"Holy shit," David chuckled to himself and quickly added, "that wasn't a no."

"Skoll above," Rayner swore, "we don't do ritual sacrifices."

"David," Lilith said sternly, "try and focus."

"I'm not sure if I can if your boy here is going to want to sacrifice someone on my list," David joked before suddenly gasping and adding, "unless it's like a sexy sacrifice."

"We definitely don't do that," Rayner groaned.

"That's boring. You sure?" David whined, "I have seen some pretty weird farming videos."

"Oh my god, David," Lilith muttered before looking back up at him and asking, "Is there anyone on your list that would date, umm, Ray?"

"You looking to get tied up with someone or actually date?" David asked, seeming to be disappointed but the smirk on his muzzle said otherwise.

"Date," Rayner stated before quietly adding, "I don't want just to get tied up with someone."

"You could try Tim," David weighed it in his head a bit before adding, "I know Mark is still looking since the two broke up, but he probably won't come back to RiverBEND with Tim here. Most of the wolves I know don't really like dating newbies, and a complicated newbie makes it more difficult. You a top or a bottom?"

"I don't think he knows that," Lilith said, shaking her head when Rayner looked at her awkwardly.

"What don't I know?" Rayner asked quietly.

"If you're giving or receiving," David chuckled as he demonstrated with his paws.

"Oh!" Rayner said louder than he expected and tried to tone it down but ended up adding, "umm? I think, giving?"

"Man, you look like a top but you sound like a bottom," David chuckled harder at Rayner's embracement before adding, "don't be scared of the barbs till you tried them though... or I guess knot in your case. I'll ask Mark first. Tim knows what he wants."

"Thank you," Lilith said to say levelly but let a small smile form as she talked.

"Just think of us when you're being a guardian angel next year," David whispered quietly as he got up and went to get his phone.

Lilith wasn't impressed and Rayner was stunned silent trying his best to think of what he was. Part of him was like, he had dated girls before. The idea that he'd be giving is sort of part of that, so he had to be a top. A small part suddenly panicked at the idea of what if he was expected to receive. Would he?

"Mark's up for tomorrow at seven," David announced after a couple of minutes and snapped Rayner back into reality, "And here I thought you couldn't get cuter. Anyway, what's your answer?"

"Sure?" Rayner said as he looked up at the smiling leopard.

"Good," David stated with an even broader smile and handed Rayner a note, "I wasn't expecting him to answer, so lucky you two. Here's his number and the cafe. He likes sweet Jerky if I remember correctly."

"You remember everything correctly," Lilith muttered.

"I can never say that, though," David chuckled and waved a paw at the two of them before heading back toward the dance floor, "toodaloo you two."

"What was that?" Rayner quickly whispered to Lilith when David disappeared.

"I gave the group a small donation," Lilith started, but when she saw Rayner look more confused, she shook her head and said, "Oh, that's just David when he's not leading or being proper."

"But like," Rayner scoffed and looked down at the note before asking, "I have a date?"

"Yes," Lilith muttered, "at seven."

"In the evening?" Rayner asked, still trying to wrap his brain around what had happened.

"Yes? I can't believe that's what you're focusing on," Lilith chuckled before asking, "would you have preferred it in the morning?"

"Well, maybe?" Rayner muttered, "I don't know."

"Go on the date Rayner," Lilith laughed, "if you like him, you know, get tied up with him and live a little."

"I'm not doing that," Rayner argued, almost hostile now, "I haven't done that before. I'm not doing that now."

"You're so fucking weird," Lilith chuckled to herself, "I love it."

Rayner didn't stay that long after David had parted. Lilith left with him, and the two parted ways without saying much to each other once the path to the parkade and residence building split off. Lilith seemed more than entertained about the evening. Rayner was still in shock.

He skipped lunch at Josh's the next day and told the group he was feeling under the weather. It wasn't a lie, technically, because he did feel awful. The stress of going on his first date with a guy was squeezing his stomach tighter than he had ever experienced before. They all sent a version of feel better soon and left it at that.

The cafe was about an hour away from his apartment if he walked and by the time evening finally came around, he needed the walk. He followed the same path the group had beside the river a couple of weeks ago and noticed just how many of the leaves were now gone. Rayner's winter coat was in, so even the below-zero temps that made everyone else freeze didn't bother him. He still only had his shorts on. His nicer pair without as many pockets.

Stopping by a grocery store, Rayner grabbed a package of beef jerky even though he scoffed at the price a little. At home, this stuff was just sort of available, but here it seemed like a premium. He figured, though, if this guy was willing to go on a date that he should make the effort that he at least put into Bell. Probably should do more, but part of Rayner's mind was still in shock that this was happening.

Technically, Rayner got there early but circled the block a couple of times to be closer to being on time. He kept glancing in to see if there were enough tables open and every time there was. Most beings, Rayner figured, probably didn't want to go to a cafe on a Friday, so at least some would stay open.

On the last round, Rayner looked in and saw a dark grey wolf sitting by himself in the corner. He didn't have a lot of brown in his fur, and his ears were pale creamy, but Rayner admitted to himself that he was sort of attractive. He was thin, not as thin as the other wolf, but Rayner still had a hard time believing city wolves looked like this.

Rayner walked in, biting his tongue and taking a bunch of really deep breaths through his nose before trying to go over and approach the wolf sitting alone. He dug one of his nails into his paw as he walked, but when he saw the wolf look up at him, he relaxed. Rayner saw the other wolf's eyes go wide, met Rayner's gaze for a couple of seconds and then turned to look out the window. Rayner knew exactly how this would go now.

"Hi," Rayner said calmly, "Are you Mark?"

"Holy shit, David wasn't kidding," Mark said as he scratched his ear, digging hard into the top end of it.

"Yeah," Rayner muttered and nodded, "I'm Rayner Pinewood."

"Look, man, no offence at all," Mark shakily said, almost panicking as Rayner sat down and listened. He had been on a lot of dates that had both started and ended like this. Mark eventually found something to say and continued, "I just want something simple. I don't think."

"No... it's okay," Rayner said with a nod, "Look, this happens more often than not. My pack won't come after you, I'm not offended, and things just are what they are."

"I'm going to fucking kill David," Mark groaned, "that asshole."

"No look, it's fine," Rayner muttered as Mark got up a grabbed his bag.

"I just need to go," Mark muttered as he left.

"Yup," Rayner said to the empty table.

The crowded cafe hadn't changed. Beings of all types were still talking noisily to their friends or listening to music as they wrote or drew. Somewhere at the back, there was still a sole wolf sitting alone at an empty table. Rayner chuckled as he pulled out his phone and looked at the time. It wasn't even seven yet.

Rayner texted Lilith, saying that the date had been a bust and laughed when she texted back that it was better to know sooner rather than later. She did text a couple of times after pointing out the timestamp and asking how badly did the wolf react. Rayner thought it was one of the better ones. One girl threw her water bottle at him and then ran off just to come back and ask for it back. Lilith said that, no, it was bad.

Rayner left the cafe a couple of minutes after he had arrived and found the walk home was a lot more pleasant than the walk there. He ate the beef jerky that he'd bought but eventually stopped at a restaurant that he had wanted to try for a while. Big, bold letters spelt out, "SMOKER!" on the side of the building, and it smelt like its namesake. Rayner got a brisket wrap, waited at the bar drinking water for it, listened to the noise, and took in the scent. It was nice. The wrap was really good, but the price was sort of crazy. Every date that his fur screwed up, he treated himself to something. He had gotten blanket approval last year after he came home venting about the city.

He didn't sleep all that great that night and told the group basically nothing about it the next day. They pushed a couple of times, but when he said it would be easier to date if he shaved off all his fur, they dropped it. Well, Josh and Olive dropped it, Kacy went on a rant about if he looked like Rayner, he'd rule the world or something.

It wasn't until the next week at RiverBEND that Rayner's mind sort of bounced back into place. The blue-furred wolf sat with him and Lilith at the beginning of the meeting. David's remark that he knew what he wanted came back to both of them when Tim came on strong. When Rayner mentioned going on a date though, he backed off a bit. Tim didn't want a relationship. He made it pretty clear that he wanted a tail without a commitment, and that wasn't something Rayner was interested in. In hindsight, Rayner sort of felt bad for Mark after the meeting.

The rest of the day was simple. When Rayner got back to his apartment, he said hi to one of his roommates and then shut himself away for the rest of the night. He submitted his incomplete assignment, streamed a couple of things on his phone, and then went to bed early. This day had been a lot.

Waking up to fresh winter air and the promise of the group going to a movie was better. The movie was good. They made a surprise stop at the lounge after the movie. It made everything a lot better, in Rayner's opinion. They splurged on something he'd wanted to do for a while but never thought to try. Axe throwing was amazing. Olive was terrifyingly accurate. After that, they had two beers and split some appetisers, then went back home.

The week went by surprisingly quickly. Rayner had to start on many of his courses' final assignments and was reviewing for his finals so very little time needed to be accounted for. The study sessions with the group went well. Kacy all of a sudden seemed to be way closer to Rayner as he worked and was surprisingly on topic for a change. Josh and Rayner praised him for it, which made the dog smile.

The next RiverBEND session was their health unit. They handed out a number of different types of birth control and talked about different medications and vaccines that could be taken. Rayner took a pamphlet for a wolf-related vaccine and was given a condom regardless of if he wanted it. There were these little paw pad condoms Rayner looked at for probably a bit too long until he realised what they were for.

"Don't ever buy those," Lilith whispered.

"I wouldn't..." Rayner looked up at her and said quickly, feeling the heat in his nose and ears start to rise, "I'm not like that."

"Sweetie, no one here cares what you shove your paws into," Lilith said flatly, "What I meant is these are expensive. Just buy latex gloves from the store."

"Oh," Rayner said, a bit surprised, "oh, yeah. That makes more sense."

"Invest what you save in lube," Lilith went on, but Rayner cursed under his breath and walked away from the table to get back into the corner.

The evening was good and interesting to Rayner but being bounced from embarrassed to stimulated to embarrassed about being stimulated was difficult to deal with. The after-supper meeting was a lot better. No one talked about the health unit, thankfully, but there were a lot of hushed talks and more than a few being left early. Tim bought a large pack of bondage equipment that he was now showing off and gave Rayner a small wink. Rayner couldn't believe he almost snarled at that but couldn't keep his muzzle from tightening.

Friday and the weekend were spent studying or working. They went to a couple of cafes and the cafeteria on campus but eventually ended back at Josh's after they all got a little over-caffeinated. Rayner really enjoyed being here because the Malamut kept it clean. Granted, if a dog sheds as much as Josh did, it's more than worth it to invest in good air filters and auto cleaners.

"Hey," Kacy said suddenly as they were lounging around. Kacy had been playing on his phone, Rayner was streaming on his, and Olive was reading. Josh was cooking something that Rayner really couldn't wait to try. Smelled spicy and earthy. Getting their attention, Kacy continued, "did the wolf show up this week?"

"No," Rayner admitted, "I've kind of given up on that."

"Oh, you shouldn't," Kacy said, putting his phone down and sitting up, "You sounded really excited earlier."

"Yeah, but what can I do?" Rayner asked, shrugging his shoulders.

"I don't know," Kacy said as he tried to think, "have you asked around and see if anyone had a name?"

"Yes, of course," Rayner muttered, thinking about both the wolves.

"Well," Kacy tried to continue, "I don't know, maybe just walking around campus looking?"

"I actually tried that too," Rayner explained, "It's fine, Kacy. Like you say, there's always someone else."

"Maybe," Kacy said adamantly, "But I want to be better, and you care, and if you cared about this wolf, then they are probably worth something."

"Kacy," Rayner said, both a little frustrated and interested in Kasy's new attitude, "I saw him once at the first meeting for maybe a minute. I have no idea if that's even accurate or right or whatever. I'm fine, okay."

"I just want to help," Kacy muttered.

"Kacy, shut up," Josh sternly said from the kitchen. Rayner looked up and over at him in surprise. The Malamute never said anything like that, but Josh was taking off his apron and setting his cooking aside.

"That's a bit harsh," Kacy commented, but Josh only glanced at Kacy a bit and then gave Olive a frustrated look. Rayner looked over and Olive had put her book away. Kacy had apparently noticed the oddness that Rayner was dealing with too and asked, "Guys, what's going on?"

"That depends," Josh said simply. He came and sat in front of Rayner on the table. Rayner instinctively put his ears back but didn't understand. Josh sighed and asked Rayner directly, "do you want us to ignore that or do you want to talk?"

"What?" Rayner asked softly.

"You saw him once at the first meeting," Josh repeated Rayner's words, and in an instant, Rayner got very small.

"No, I," Rayner sputtered, "I saw her. That's not... no."

"It's okay. We sort of already know," Olive said from her couch. In a quick glance, Rayner saw her, and her paw was holding Kacy's maw shut.

"Do you trust us?" Josh asked softly. Rayner let a whine but nodded slightly. Josh put on a broad smile even for him and continued, "then talk."

"Don't tell my family," Rayner managed to get out first.

"Tell them what?" Josh asked simply.

"Skoll fucking kill me," Rayner muttered, shaking. He couldn't believe he was actually going to say this. It took a minute but he eventually let out, "That I'm gay."

It was the first time he had said it out loud. Even in RiverBEND he had never actually admitted what he was. It was always just too much. All of his fears about what would happen at this moment were suddenly put to the test. He had absolutely no control about how his friends would react. Worse than that first night, he was scared.

"When did you realise it?" Josh asked Rayner, handing him a pillow to bite as Rayner whimpered and shook.

"With him," Rayner said quietly after getting some composure, "he asked if I was okay, and I thought he was like me."

"How did you know?" Josh asked.

"It's not a math club," Rayner admitted, "I started going to the queer group in September. RiverBEND."

"Why did you start going?" Josh asked.

"Something Bell said when we broke up," Rayner admitted, "It's okay to be different, but it's not okay for you to make others lie that you're normal."

"It is okay to be different, Rayner," Olive said from beside him.

"It's not from where I'm from," Rayner sighed, "There are these stories about what happens when a pervert is discovered. When I was a really young pup, they almost killed someone."

"Things are a lot different now," Josh said, "and things are a lot different in the city."

"And you aren't a pervert," Olive added, Kacy was still being muzzled by Olive's paw but he shook his head.

"And we're still your friends," Josh said as he gently put his paw on Rayner's shoulder. Rayner whimpered loudly at the touch. Every once in a while, he'd make a long, drawn out whine that almost echoed through the apartment.

Time didn't really exist for Rayner after that. Years of pressure that he didn't know he had were suddenly released in a flow of emotion. All the dates he had in high school and first year made sense why they all went wrong. The frustration he felt with his own body was put into perspective. Crash after crash of realisations changed him at that moment. He had said it. There wasn't really a way to unsay it now.

In ten minutes, Rayner was left the rawest he had ever felt. Letting go of Josh, he curled on the couch and held his tail in his paws. Josh took a deep breath, patted him on the shoulder, and went back into the kitchen. Both of them knew Rayner was better or at least emotionally rebalanced. It wasn't a good feeling, but it was the best he'd ever felt.

"You promise not to say anything stupid," Olive asked Kacy, who nodded.

"If I have questions?" Kacy asked quietly but paused from what Rayner assumed was Olive's facial expression, "I will keep them to myself."

"What?" Rayner asked as he lay on the couch.

"You understand it's Kacy's questions?" Olive asked quickly before Kacy could speak.

"Yeah," Rayner answered, "after what I just did, it's weird to have it so quiet."

"Okay," Olive almost scoffed.

"Do you think I'm attracti-," Kacy asked but was cut off by a loud thump before he was able to finish. Probably a textbook.

"You're not a wolf," Rayner responded simply, "and you're a lot smaller than me and not really my type."

"Ow! He's okay with it." Kacy groaned to Olive before continuing, "What is your type?"

"Quiet," Rayner muttered and hugged a pillow around his tail, "and caring."

"Like that wolf," Kacy asked.

"Yeah," Rayner admitted with a smile, "it's stupid to place so much on one interaction, but when he came to check on me, it felt like he cared."

"About you?" Kacy asked.

"No," Rayner snorted, "about everyone."

"What did he look like?" Kacy continued.

"About my height but thinner than me," Rayner explained, slowly smiling as he remembered, "like a lot thinner and obviously darker fur but he had a lot of brown on his face, and it covered one of his ears."

"So basically, a thin, brown-eared wolf is all you have to go on?" Kacy asked, a little frustrated, "that's not much to narrow the list unless down."

"Yeah, there's at least one of those in my classes," Josh said from the kitchen, "and that's without thinking too hard."

"I'm hoping I'll know him when I see him," Rayner said wistfully.

"Okay, well, another question," Kacy said after a moment of silence, "Is Lilith a Les-"

The thump that cut him off was louder this time than the last, and they mostly worked in silence after that. They weren't sure what to say, and Kacy didn't want to get hit again. Rayner thanked them when he left but felt really hollow doing it. Were they okay?

Sunday dragged. Rayner felt weird being alone but anxious every time he picked up his phone. He wanted to know that he still had friends, but they had already told him they were. He wanted to know things hadn't changed but as far as he could tell not much had. Josh and Olive were still themselves, and even though Kacy seemed to want to change he was still Kacy.

Sitting alone in his room, he felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off his soul, but now everything hurt. Moving was exhausting. Every once in a while, he held a pillow to himself for comfort. Shouldn't this have been harder? Rayner worried his friends were hiding their true feelings so that they could discuss them after he left. He thought again about asking again if everything was okay.

He couldn't just text that, though. Could he?

"No," Rayner muttered out loud. If he was worried about what his friends said out loud to him, he wouldn't find any clarity in a text message. He pulled out his phone regardless with a frown and found a different number.

"I accidentally came out to my friends," Rayner muttered as he typed and had to retype it a couple of times. Wolf paws and his small phone never got along. Hitting send on that message, he started typing more but was interrupted almost immediately by a call.

"You okay?" Lilith asked before he could even talk.

"Hi," Rayner muttered quickly, "sorry to bother you. I think so... not really."

"No, it's fine," Lilith muttered, "what do you mean?"

"I feel," Raner started but paused in thought. How did he feel? After fumbling a bit, he said, "weird?"

"No, like what happened?" Lilith asked. There was wind or some sort of static coming through the line.

"Oh," Rayner said but got quiet just in case his roommates were listening, "Kacy asked about, well, he says, my mystery wolf. They thought he was a girl, but I slipped and said I had only seen him once."

"Playing with fire even telling them," Lilith said bluntly. Rayner thought she sounded entertained by it, though, "Wait, you told them about RiverBEND?"

"No," Rayner groaned, "I told them it was a math club."

"Oh," Lilith muttered, "that's boring. You better not have told them I went to math club."

"A little," Rayner muttered.

"We'll talk about that later," Lilith said sternly, "How'd your friends react? I'm going to assume poorly."

"No," Rayner said louder than he intended and quietened down, "they were actually really good about it. Josh and Olive seem to know how to help me through it."

"So what's the issue?" Lilith asked.

"I don't know," Rayner groaned, "I just."

Rayner didn't know how to finish that sentence. What was the issue? He still had his friends and Lilith and could now talk openly about dating. Rayner still worried about what his pack would think, but they were a couple of hours away, and almost none of them liked the city anyway.

"Just?" Lilith prompted after a minute.

"I don't know," Rayner groaned again, "shouldn't this be bigger?"

"Ten years ago, maybe," Lilith stated, "or maybe out from where you're from. Also depends on how stupid the being is as well."

"So I was freaking out for nothing?" Rayner asked as he sat up and scratched his head.

"No," Lilith said slowly, "your past and your pack have issues with being gay. Right? Makes sense that you do."

"I'm freaking out because I have issues with being gay?" Rayner groaned angrily into his cell.

"Well, do you have issues with being gay?" Lilith asked simply.

"Yes," Rayner answered loudly and but paused and said quietly, "well no-"

"Nah," Lilith almost chuckled, "that's your answer."

"Yes but it's because it would be, like, simpler if I wasn't," Rayner tried to explain.

"And if you won the lottery," Lilith mocked, "had shits that smelt like roses and could get ripped by eating bacon grease."

"That's not what I mean," Rayner whispered.

"Then what do you mean?" Lilith asked with a bit of an edge.

"I just don't want to choose between finding someone I love and staying with my pack," Rayner said quietly.

"You don't make other beings' decisions," Lilith groaned into the phone, "or at least that's what my therapist keeps telling me."

"But I'm scared of the decisions they will make that affect me," Rayner said, "It's fine if I was in control or self-sustainable but switching to that is a nightmare level task at this point."

"That's a way better answer than I have ever given," Lilith commented after a short pause, "I'm stealing that. If you want my therapist's response, I'm going next Tuesday. Regardless, your pack hasn't made any decisions about you. Your friends have."

"Yeah, well, I'm scared about them too," Rayner admitted.

"Why?" Lilith asked.

"What if they are lying?" Rayner asked.

"You mean, what if they secretly hate you and are planning to pupnap you to make you better?" Lilith chuckled but changed her tone when Rayner didn't answer, "Oh come on, Rayner, you're the one who goes on about trust and trusting one's pack."

"But I lied," Rayner argued and then tensed up on his bed. He had lied.

"A lot," Lilith stated simply, "and about a lot. What's your point?"

"How does this not change things?" Rayner asked.

"Basic context," Lilith responded, "You're gay, bad things have happened to gay beings, and you wanted to protect yourself."

"That doesn't make it right," Rayner said loudly.

"No," Lilith sighed, "it's an explanation, not an excuse. You still have things to fix, but they allow you to fix them."

"How do I fix this?" Rayner asked.

I don't know," Lilith muttered, "If you were put in care of, what would you say a little shit was?"

"A charge?" Rayner asked.

"Yes," Lilith said, "that's still fucking weird. If you had a charge like you, what would you do?"

"Umm," Rayner muttered to himself as he thought, "well, elevate it to one of the Council members."

"No," Lilith said and groaned, "you're the Council. What do you do?"

"Figure out how others are feeling about it," Rayner answered.

"Good," Lilith said but asked, "What's it?"

"Well," Rayner said but whispered, "Being gay."

"And what would you do about a lying pup?" Lilith asked, "I mean charge."

"Oh, that's straightforward," Rayner muttered, "Authenticity apologise and help the ones that the charge had lied to."

"So?" Lilith asked after a bit of a pause.

"Fine," Rayner sighed but was breathing a little easier.

"Good," Lilith muttered, "solved your own problems."

"You know you'd be a good mentor," Rayner pointed out.

"Ew," Lilith groaned in disgust, "Goodbye, Rayner."

"Thank you," Rayner said quickly, "and goodbye."

There was a small click on his end, and then there was silence in his room again. He was still exhausted, but he was now sore trying to sit upright in bed without back support. Hugging a pillow again, he tried to think of different ways to apologise. There were a lot of options. After a bit of back and forth with himself, he thought it best that he shouldn't decide. He'd ask tomorrow.

Rayner rolled onto his side. This last day drained him, and most of his thoughts dwelt on a couple of the things Lilith got him to say. Would not being gay be easier? Absolutely. Everything is designed for straight beings. Romance, love, pups, and grandpups were all laid out so simply for them. Rayner missed that simplicity he had with Bell. Now, what did he have? A mystery wolf?

"Fuck," Rayner muttered into a pillow as he felt his heart warm to the memory of the wolf. He never felt that for Bell or the thought of Bell.

The cafeteria by the hospital on campus was fairly empty when Rayner arrived Monday morning for their scheduled study session. Frustratingly though, the table they usually sat at was already occupied by a large group that looked like they were doing some sort of art project. Rayner frowned and looked for something similar. That table was near a pillar with multiple outlets. He searched the other free ones, but only one had power but only one outlet.

Sighing, Rayner sat down and waited. His conversation with Lilith was playing through his mind like an old record. It skipped around and repeated to the point he could probably transcribe the entire thing in reverse order.

"Morning," Kacy announced as he sat down. Rayner jumped but managed to keep his muzzle shut. With a chuckle, Kacy asked, "back on earth now?"

"Sorry," Rayner apologised and shook his head, "just a lot on my mind."

"Nothing bad, " Kacy said quietly, "I hope."

"Just need to talk," Rayner explained as he saw Josh and Olive round the corner from Engineering. He waved them over as they searched for a table. Kacy pulled his ears back, looked at them and then down but didn't say anything.

Josh and Olive sat next to Rayner and started talking about their classes. Josh's first year in engineering was going well, but the courses were a lot more packed than he had expected or experienced last year. Olive said she'd never again take three labs in the same semester, which the entire group agreed with.

Kacy waited a bit to see if Rayner would go next but gave a short update when Rayner stayed quiet. Basically, his marks were better than they had ever been because of the study sessions. Olive that that is how studying helps.

"If you don't mind," Rayner said hesitantly after finishing his check-in, "I want to apologise about Saturday."

"Rayner," Josh said quickly, "there's nothing to apologise for."

"Yes, there is," Rayner corrected, "I lied, and I have been lying a lot, and that's," Rayner stopped as a group of tigers walked by. He sighed as he felt his core shake but continued, "I don't want that to be me. Trust... is important."

"And now you trust us," Kacy said simply. He had a smile on, but it wasn't in his eyes. He jumped a bit when Olive touched his nose, and then touched her nose is the way that mothers usually do to a sick pup.

"But I want you to trust me," Rayner explained.

"We do," Olive said, "I can't believe I'm agreeing with Kacy, but Saturday was more about you trusting us enough to be open and honest."

"I lied, though," Rayner argued.

"Is this a pack thing?" Josh asked.

"Yes," Rayner said loudly enough he shocked himself. A couple of beings turned to look but went back to work fairly quickly afterwards. Rayner quietly continued, "and well, no. No, it's I shouldn't have lied."

"Okay," Josh said and thought for a moment, "What should you have done not knowing whether or not you could trust us?"

"Not said anything," Rayner explained but scratched the back of his head. That didn't feel right, even though Rayner thought that was the right course. It was like medical issues. It's no one's business.

"I don't think I could do that," Kacy muttered to himself.

"Look," Josh said quietly, "I lied a lot when Jill got pregnant."

Olive and Kacy turned to face him as Josh started to talk. Rayner never knew the name of the girl that dragged Josh through hell at the end of high school but he figured this was her.

"When you're scared," Josh explained with a deep breath, "you do what it takes to survive, and some of the things you do are shitty. Trust me, I... I know."

Rayner instinctually closed his eyes and put his head on the back of Josh's neck. Nothing was said. He knew that the Samoyed was opening up and that Josh's experience had been quite traumatic. Rayner wished he could do more than just be there and nuzzled a bit.

"Rayner?" Olive asked slowly. Rayner almost jumped out of his fur when he realised he wasn't home.

"Oh, Skoll," Rayner stammered, "Shit, that wasn't... I'm so sorry."

"Gay," Rayner heard someone laugh as they walked by. Rayner didn't see who. His insides burned in embarrassment badly. No one said anything. Rayner's eyes had closed so hard that he started to feel dizzy.

Josh put a hand on Rayner's shoulder and scratched a bit. Rayner opened his eyes a bit to check, and the Samoyed was there with his smile. Olive was staring daggers at whoever had passed. Kacy went back and forth between looking at Rayner and Josh to the hallway where Olive was looking.

"Pack thing?" Josh asked finally.

"I'm so sorry," Rayner muttered quietly and scratched his head almost violently.

"So are y'all like really physical?" Kacy asked. Rayner looked up and saw Kacy staring at him with his head tilted to the side. Rayner nodded, and Kacy looked up and around as he thought. Finally, he asked, "do you care if you're related? You know, if you take it further?"

"Ew," Olive groaned.

"What? No! I mean, yes. What the fuck Kacy, we don't do that," Rayner explained quickly as he shook his head quickly and tucked his ears back, "There are a lot of rules in place, and they are very serious. Sigmund has all of our family mapped, and we aren't allowed to date third cousins or closer."

"What's a third cousin?" Kacy asked.

"You share a great-great grandsire," Olive counted on her paws as she answered.

"You have that mapped?" Kacy asked in total shock, "I don't think anyone in my family would know that."

"Yeah, we have been in Pinewood for nine, but we have like a dozen completely mapped," Rayner explained but continued when Kacy looked confused on the numbering, "generations."

"What?" Kacy whispered loudly for some reason, "You've been there forever!"

"Not forever," Rayner argued, "it's only two hundred years, give or take. There's a-"

"Two hundred years?" Kacy interrupted.

"That's not that long," Olive explained, "it is this far west, but worldwide it's more standard."

"Yeah, but," Kacy explained his thought process to Olive, who listened and gave a bit of context to how other civilisations worked. Rayner didn't really follow it.

"I'm sorry you went through what you did with Jill," Rayner whispered to Josh, who perked up at the name. Josh's smile faded from his face, and his ears folded down as he thought.

"Me too," Josh whispered, "It's stupid, but I wanted to be a dad for a while. I'm glad I'm not. Mostly."

"I can't imagine," Rayner whispered.

"My parents didn't believe me," Josh explained, "They thought the pup was mine, and they threw me out. Jill and I stayed with Olive's parents for a couple weeks. Supposed to be until I got an apartment and a job, but then Jill's lies started unravelling."

"That's so fucked up," Rayner whispered in a pause.

"No, what's fucked is I started to believe the lies," Josh whispered and shook his head, "It was Olive that actually got everything in motion to get Jill's pup a paternity test. When it came that it wasn't me, I felt so lost. By that time I believed it was mine. So I lost her, my pup, and most of my family all on one sheet of paper."

"Did you," Rayner started to ask but found it was surprisingly hard to continue, "Did you show your pack, err, family?"

"Weeks later," Josh explained, "After Jill went through her crazy fucking spell and then moved out of Olives. I think I sat in her basement for a week eating pizza and getting hammered."

"Did you get your pack back?" Rayner asked as quietly as he could.

"Yes and no," Josh whispered and shrugged, "they are paying for everything right now because that's what they do, but we aren't as close as we used to be."

"That's," Rayner whispered quietly, "I'm so sorry."

"I get why you are scared," Josh whispered, reached out and rubbed Rayner on his shoulder, "I have been there and my family sort of sucked to begin with. I don't think I'd change anything about my situation with my family, though."

"Why?" Rayner asked, genuinely shocked, "You don't want anything to go back?"

"Skoll no," Josh chuckled quietly. Rayner wasn't sure if the mimic was mocking or serious but Josh got serious, "I know who they are now and exactly how much I can trust them."

Rayner frowned and looked away. The Samoyed had put a lot of emphasis on the word "I" at the end, making Rayner think about the nature of relationships. Kacy and Olive were still going on about how long beings lived in different places, so he had time.

How much could Rayner trust his pack? How much did he trust his pack? For some reason, in Rayner's mind, those two questions were always a given and not something to be questioned. Now that he was, though, he didn't know if there was ever really an answer. He figured it was somewhere between the level of how most beings trusted their deity and how a young pup trusted their parents. All of a sudden, that seemed uncomfortable to Rayner.

The group did almost no work or studying in that session. After whispering to Rayner, Josh talked with Olive and Kacy about long-existing businesses, as their conversation had morphed. Kacy seemed excited to learn.

As part of his apology, Rayner bought them all lunch to make it clear that he was both sincere and wanted their forgiveness. He thought that if he was a charge, this was the last step to clearing himself. Not that he accepted it. He'd make sure in the coming weeks that he was more supportive and honest than before.

When they got outside to head to classes, they saw that snow had started to fall. November was in a full swing, and winter was actually starting to make itself known. All four had their winter fur in, so it was a nice change from the almost constant stuffiness they were feeling. They all looked rounded out, but Josh's fur made me almost poofy. The Samoyed always carried a brush around with him to make sure it didn't get too far out of hand.

Olive said goodbye as they passed the Puzzle Box and wished she could stay outside in the breeze instead of that building's confusing air exchange system. They all agreed. She had an organic chemistry class there, so it wasn't avoidable. Kacy said the same as he was heading home until his class.

"Josh," Rayner said hesitantly before Josh turned to leave, "thank you for talking."

"You're welcome," Josh said with a smile, "I don't like bringing her up."

"You said somethings that made sense," Rayner tried to explain, "You're a good, and I hate saying this word in the city but alpha."

"I'm the alpha?" Josh laughed, "You're the wolf. You could probably destroy me in a fight."

"That's only one aspect," Rayner said quietly and shook his head, "You lead, you're good at it, and when you have a pup of your own, they will be very lucky."

"Argh, fuck man," Josh groaned and shook himself a bit, "I need to get to class."

"Sorry," Rayner apologised quietly.

"No, thank you," Josh said quickly, "I'll see you Wednesday."

Rayner smiled and waved as Josh walked off into the snow. Rayner thought about what he said as the pure white Samoyed almost disappeared into the falling flacks. Josh would make a good father. Rayner also sighed at the realisation that becoming a father would be much more complicated now.