Ch. 77
#84 of True Confessions of a Trainer
Belle (OT's Lucario)
It was late at night when I left the watch to Helena, grateful for the moment of quiet in the midst of what had been an oddly noisy and chaotic day. It felt crowded, hot, and miserable. Master had been largely incapacitated the night before, and watching him limp about was an unpleasant way to spend my day. I had a headache. I couldn't imagine how he must have felt. As I ducked into the tent, he looked up from where he was sitting, and smiled, beckoned me close.
"Are you okay?" I asked, stupid question. He replied with a groan and a chuckle as he sat up. I could see the bruises, and the scratches. I knew he'd been treated roughly, but I didn't know to the extent. But that wasn't what I was asking about. I'd watched his fight. His real fight. The training we had done was a joke. Absolute tauros shit compared to his true skill. He was not human when he was cornered. Not quite. He became something different. Something ferocious. Something dangerous.
He must have caught on to my real intentions, because he just shrugged, and sighed. I knew by his aura he'd been run down, but the sigh, the sound of it was a lonesome and defeated thing. Every bit as ragged, haggard and worn as he was inside. "Better than the last time this kind of thing happened." His answer was less than comforting. "But at least I won't have to drag us over hell and creation to find Tempest's mother!" A joke, now of all times. In a way it was a relief, he was still himself. At the core of it. Whatever he needed to be in the dark shadows, his light still glimmered from deep within his aura. It was also something sorrowful that I understood deep within me. The sound of someone who didn't want anyone to worry. Who had let the mask slip and immediately tried to tug it back in place.
It was troubling, and I didn't bother pretending I felt otherwise, an exasperated sigh, a roll of my eyes, but I was beside him. I knew he was hurting, but I wouldn't heal him this time. For one thing, it was exhausting, but mostly I didn't want to spare him the wisdom of the wounds. Though I wouldn't strain myself to help his aches and wounds knit, I did wrap my arms around him, and when he turned to kiss me, I didn't flinch.
Maybe I was just too startled to. Maybe it was just instinct and training. Our tongues had clashed together for several quiet moments before it had even caught up to me what I was doing. But it did, all of the sudden I was very keenly aware of every sensation, every taste, the scent of him and all the fear it brought me. I was terrified, and I didn't want to scare him off. I didn't want him to doubt, so I pretended to melt. Pretended, while all my thoughts warred against each other.
I was relieved when he apologized. Relieved. Relieved when he admitted he was in no fit state for more than that kiss. I was ashamed, felt guilty and disgusted with myself for feeling that way. For feeling like I'd just been saved.
I did want him. I wanted this. I wanted the kind of love he gave. I knew that.
Why couldn't I accept it when it happened?
When I left the tent it was confused and hurt. Again hurt by what was left of me. Hurt by all the old wounds, lost in my thoughts and my fears and my sorrow. I hated it. Hated me. Hated being so weak. He deserved better. Should have had better. At the least I should have been able to keep my promises. But no. I was there... and I was a world away. I had no right to scold him. For all I needed him to be honest with me, I knew I was lying. Had been lying this whole time.
I loved him.
I hated me.
Helena
It was going to be another long night. Her sighing and growling was expected, but I hated seeing her so upset at herself. I tried to tell her that she wasn't the one who made things such a problem. Who hurt her, who made her doubt everything, herself most of all. I tried to make her understand, but she wasn't in a place to hear it, to let the idea of that in.
I hated humans.
Arceus, I fucking hated humans!
It was true, in the depths of my heart, I hated them. I hated their selfishness. I hated their arrogance. I hated their disloyalty. I hated their ignorance. Master, like Gwen, was the exception that only proved the rule. I loved him so much I'd have fought, bled, and died for him. But that only contrasted how much I hated the rest. I hated how much they had hurt me. I hated how much they had hurt Helena.
I hated myself, too. For not knowing how to help her. Me. Him. Any of us.
Belle had wrapped me up in her arms, and I could feel the way she fought her own trembling, fought against her own tears. Her sorrow, her loneliness, her fear. Mira had offered in confidence, to be there, to get involved, but this was ours, I'd told her. Explained as best as I could how long it had been Belle and I against the world. That we needed to do this together, first. Part of me regretted that, now. I could have used the help. Even if I was right that Belle needed me, and needed to be able to trust it stayed between us.
Mira had said she understood, but I doubted it. She accepted what I said and left it alone, but I think she was conflicted, confused, and a little hurt. Or maybe that was just me. To be honest, I think I was just afraid she'd suffer the way I was, with my best friend crumbling beside me, unable to move forward, frightened even of herself, and miserable. I knew the sylveon would take it seriously, personally, do anything and everything she could. But she would have tried to push, and we weren't there yet. We weren't even close.
So again, I let Belle bury herself into my neck. Again, I caught her tears as she finally opened up to me. Unable to hide it anymore. Caught her tears and tried not to wince as her digits gripped my fur so tight I could feel it pulling out. Nuzzled into her, as she finally let out all of the stress and anxiety she'd been carrying all day. Wrapped one paw around her back and embraced her as her whimpering cries died down into muted sobs.
I hated humans.
Tempest
I was, for the first time in as long as I could remember, so exhausted I couldn't raise my head. Master had been wonderful. Passionate. Savage. I hurt inside from the ways I had been shaped to him. My hips were bruised. So was my backside. My chest. Even my cheek. We'd bitten, scratched, and rutted until neither he, nor I could move. And yet it hadn't been enough. All day long, the only thing I could think of was getting Claire in my arms, and putting her exactly where I needed her.
By the time we were finished, she was dripping wet, head to toe. I had stained her, shamed her, humiliated her and ruined her. I had done things to her we had never done between the two of us before. The kinds of filthy things Master would have done to her, if only she could get a proper wash after. And her response had been gushing praise. Adoration. She had lost herself in the moment, and I felt her drifting, helpless before the weight of my command.
So I used her. I used her the way she needed. The way I needed.
I used her long through the night, and in the early hours, we all but dragged ourselves back to camp. It was with a laugh that I saw Mira scoop up the pokeballs and all but lob them at our heads. "You two reek!" she exclaimed, with a wink and a shake of her head. "Go on. I'll explain to him in the morning, and we'll make sure our next stop is somewhere you can wash. Both of you. Arceus, what did you do to her? And why didn't you let me watch?!"
What did I do to her?
Showed her where she belonged. Where I wanted her. Where I needed her. What I needed her to be.
Like Master showed me the night before. Reshiram's burning fury couldn't have held a candle to him when he claimed me in front of that whelp seeking to rival him. I had never been more aroused in my life. I had never wanted him more. I was his, and he declared it to the world in blood and fury. I had called myself his mate for what felt like forever, but last night it didn't matter what I called myself. He was the one who decided it. He had finally claimed me as his!
To watch him take a rival apart over me... to see him fight, to seek the kill like a lycanroc should, it was beautiful. He was beautiful. Sinew and bone and hunger. I could hear his every word and it sparked a need in me all over again, deep inside. I could feel my body responding to his voice, to the memory of his voice even more than the scent of my own kind had offered.
He was beautiful. His every movement elegant, refined and glorious. He fought without fang, and without claw, and needed neither. Battered that weakling with fist and elbow, slammed his forehead into the lycanroc's nose so hard it burst like a berry. The fight was well and truly over before I was provoked, and then I showed master I was every bit his match and worthy of him. Defended him just as lovingly as he had stood for me. Showed him that I chose him.
That we had chosen each other.
Claire
Stars above, but I'd needed that. I'd missed being treated that way. She scratched all my itches and then some. Her satisfaction was mine, and in the afterglow we'd talked about it, gushed about their little scuffle the night before. What it meant to her, what it made her feel. I could understand, in some ways. He'd come to my defense too. Then I, to his. I had claimed him just as much as he claimed me. But it was different than what she felt. I had always been his, surrendered to him because that's what I was inside. What I had grown into with him.
I was his plaything, his toy. It felt good, felt right. I loved his pleasure, swimming in my thoughts. I loved the way his pleasure felt to me. So I became everything I could, to get more of it. Brought others to him so I could enjoy him through them. Taught him to relax. To let fun things be fun without all that pesky human guilt. I had changed him for me in the same ways I had changed me for him.
A lead between the two of us, and both of us to tug upon it.
Tempest wasn't like me. For all the times he had let her do things her way, let her take the pleasure from her pain, allowed her to pursue it how she wanted, she'd never felt what she most wanted to. Last night, she lost herself in his dominance of her. In his conquest. It was almost a ritual, a binding. She had pushed him as far as he could possibly go, and it was the rush of that which led her to me after. To share with me what she had been given. It was more, their relationship was more than it had ever been before.
She had been given her place in his pack. It was nothing less than that. She'd have defended it, where she stood beside him, because she believed in it... but she'd never had him stand up for her place before. She looked to him for guidance, and she'd finally been given it.
I was glad for the pokeball, for a change. I wanted some time alone with my thoughts.
It didn't change a thing, not really. In the sense that we were all in the same places we had ever been. But it still changed everything for them, for us. A kind of permanence that transcended everything. I had been his first, would always be first in his heart, and it had worried me. It scared me sometimes, the thought that because I existed, the others might not get to feel what I did, to be as loved as I was. To be as appreciated and acknowledged as I had always been.
He did his best, but he was human and thought as a human. He had good instincts, as far as humans went. But he wasn't intuitive to our feelings the way we were to each other. Last night had been a lucky thing, maybe... but he followed through on it, and I just wanted to kiss him for it.
It meant everything to me to see her as happy as she was.
I doubted he understood the weight of it, and that bothered me in a way I didn't know how to face. I needed to tell him. Needed him to understand, for her sake. What she felt, what she saw that night. What it was to her. I wouldn't let him trample on her feelings, wouldn't let him not know.
I loved him too much to let that love blind me to what he didn't know.
Cocoa
Couldn'a said one way or another what I felt about it all. Saw enough to know what was goin' on, an' I reckoned it ain't had a thing to do with me. Only thing that did matter is sugar was achin' somethin' fierce an' I coulda helped. So I slipped into the tent, thought I was bein' sneaky but Mira was onto me before I even got the flap shut.
Poor darlin' had sat up thinkin' to try an' take care of me 'fore he realized it was gonna be the other way round. Mira had wrapped him up, eased him down and he didn't put up the slightest bit o' struggle when we rolled him over to rub his back and legs. Was a mess o' knots an' scrapes, the poor boy. I sure was grateful we could do somthin' for him. Loved the way he felt beneath my hands. Loved bein' able to feel him relax an' let mama do her thing.
He'd started to drift in an' out, when Mira finally spoke up. A ribbon trailing up and down his back as she whispered to him. Loving little words. Reassurances the way she did, soothing him in the ways I couldn't. Taking away the stress in his heart. We'd get him ready to go in the morning, an' be back on our way, just like always.
It was only when I heard his stomach growl that it caught up with me that he hadn't had the energy to eat all day. So tired he slept through most of it, draped over Penance like a rug. I'd laughed and it stirred him, the poor sweet thing, but we helped him lay on top of his sleeping bag, an' with his head in my lap, I fed him. Fed him an' stroked his head just to let him know he was loved.
He really gave us his all, an' it was sweet to watch him rest.
Was glad he felt safe to for a change. Time, distance, and our love.
Mira and I'd got to talking, once he was settled in. Reckoned I didn't know much about Helena, less about her friend. Knew a good person when I saw one though, an' it tore me up a bit to know she was hurtin' so bad. Weren't a thing neither of us could'a done for it, but be there an' keep things together for 'em. Look after him so they could look after each other.
The two had gone through so much, and gone through so much together. Knew they'd be fine, but it didn't make it much easier, I supposed.
For tonight at least, everything was what it should'a been. Mira and I had finally snuck out once he was good an' under. Snuck out, snuggled up warm an' sweet, an' watched the stars together. Was a beautiful night to spend together, an' her quiet little snores lulled me to sleep not long after. My thoughts drifted back to the farm, an' I wondered how they were gettin' on. Wondered if their sky was as beautiful as ours tonight.
Trainer
You hear stories about the rejuvinating properties of miltank milk. I mean, how could you not? There are a hundred different ads about exactly that! I never put much stock into it, but after last night I was a believer. Don't get me wrong, I felt well looked after for the regular inclusion in my diet, but this was quite the test! I wasn't miraculously healed, but the fatigue at least was a lot less than it should have been. A little stretching, and a brief morning workout saw me bright eyed, and ready to face the day.
For want of water, I'd packed everyone but Sybil and Penance up safe and sound in the pokeballs, and opted to make an expedited trip out of the canyon. Penance was clearly looking forward to an opportunity just like this. Sybil, on the other hand was clearly afraid of heights. I held onto Penance's collar with one hand, the other pinned Sybil against me as we straddled the arcanine's back as she navigated narrow traces and leapt up sharp rocky inclines.
The view from above was breathtaking. The canyon floor below seemed endlessly far away. From where we were, we could see the ocean on one side, the colorful cliffs opposite. Poni island was beautiful, and relentlessly wild. There wasn't much going for it, as far as human-centric diversions went, but what little there was only accentuated the unrestrained beauty of the land. I was glad that I hadn't boarded one of the myriad connecting vessels with so many of the other tourists. That we'd started here.
It was tempting, sorely tempting at that to stay another night, water or no, just to enjoy the star gazing from the top of the canyon walls. To linger and take in the sights, the color of the cliffs, the way they looked at dawn and at dusk. I promised myself to return, before we left the islands completely, but there was nothing for it but to return to port, to resupply as best as we could, and then to see what else the islands had to offer.
Our next stop was going to have to be somewhere livelier. For the sake of my half empty pack, and to learn more about what the islands had for us. I was probably the only fool who didn't take a travel brochure, but that was fine. We were going to do the tour our own way.
That was one of the best parts of being a trainer, after all!
Sybil
Oh. Fuck. You. Fuck heights. Fuck jumping. Fuck your arcanine! Fuck this canyon! Fuck the cliff. Fuck all of this. You. Fucking. Owe me.
I couldn't close my eyes, or the dizziness would make me feel like I was going to fall off. I couldn't stand to watch, as every possible fall whipped past us in a blur. I couldn't hold on any tighter than I was, I was trusting this weird fucking human to hold me close, and he was trusting a fucking collar to keep him stead on her back. I couldn't tell if he was brave or just fucking insane.
I almost wanted to demand a pokeball, but something kept me from doing that. I couldn't say what, exactly. Maybe it was the fear that if I opened my mouth, I'd hurl. I didn't like any part of this, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Penance was at least making good time, but this was not how I wanted to travel!
I'd get him back. Oh you bet your ass I'd get him back. We were NOT going to be making a habit of this.
Fucking weird-ass human. I love you. I hate you. How are you not bothered looking down into that gods bedamned abyss?