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Halo: FUBAR

Chapter 09

[The Gun Pointed at the Crotch of Humanity]

> 2552, Olduvai, The Inner Colonies, Mission Time: 23 Hours.

When Token and I emerged from the UNSC Cuddles the battle outside had passed for the most part. We breached from an upper deck and jumped across the gap onto the roof of an adjacent parking complex. The high vantage point gave us a bird's eye over the situation. The UNSC and Covenant were duking it out in the streets below, neither side pulling any punches. Projectiles whizzed one way. Rockets the other.

Explosions lit up the city-line.

The fight for Olduvai was in full swing. But my mind was on other things for some odd reason.

My vision suddenly narrowed into wide-screen mode. It was weird. Everything kind of vanished from my HUD and was replaced by black bars along the top and bottom. A little bit of white text appeared to the bottom right corner of my vision. It read:

This Galaxy Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us.

And then the text faded, and the black bars slid away to give way for my normal HUD again.

Weird.

My comms crackled shortly after. I heard a voice. A painfully familiar voice.

"Kid! Token!" Boone called. "We're getting hammered down here. Get your butts in gear and provide some support!"

Token and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. "Eh-heh. Yeah, we're not going to do that." I snapped over the radio.

"Ya'll can eat shit, motherfucker." Token added. "No way in hell I'm wading into that. what do I look like, a computer controlled moron?"

There was a pause. And then: "What are you saying?"

I laughed. "Oh, so now you're listening? Well then, read my visor! Go fuck yourself asshole! We're out of here!"

"Traitors!" Boone very suddenly screamed over the comms. "You are AWOL! I'll get you for this, Sawyer! I'll get both of you, I swear it!"

Token chuckled. "Holy shit, dude. Disobey one little order and the guy screams bloody revenge."

"Talk about issues." I agreed as we crossed to the next rooftop parking area.

That was when my comms spurred to life once again. "Sawyer! It's Mira!" came that oh-so-sexy accent of my favourite arbiter. "I found a ship, an experimental long range phantom fitted with a slipspace drive. But I'm being fucked up the ass by a banshee!"

I paused to put that mental image in my head. Mira getting rammed up the a-... okay, focus Sawyer.

Clearing my throat and willing the instant boner away, I clicked my comms to reply. "Come about. We'll take it out on your pass to come get us."

"Us?"

"I'm bringing a friend."

"Ooooh~. I didn't know you were into that kind of kinky stuff, Sawyer. Such a naughty boy... I like it." Came Mira's seductive reply.

I just sort of shrugged it off with an awkward chuckle.

"I'm liking this mysterious girlfriend of yours, Sawyer." Vixxen sang.

Even Token had heard that one and chuckled. "Clearly she can smell a real man in the vicinity."

"Ugh." My eyes rolled on automatic.

That was when a screech caught my attention. Looking up I saw it.

There she was, the phantom on board of which was Mira the trash talking arbiter. The beetle-like craft pivoted and pulled a tight turn that would have torn lesser drop ships clean in two. And breaking from the clouds hot on her tail was a banshee. The whining engines were impossible to mistake, as were the bolts of energy flickering from the fuselage mounted plasma guns. Blue streaks of energy slashed through the sky, narrowly missing Mira's craft.

She weaved in an opposite direction to keep the banshee guessing, unfortunately the pilot was pretty good. He saw the move coming and aimed ahead of her. A moment later a few streaks of plasma splashed across the phantom's armour and hissed visibly, melting away layers of hull and spitting foul smoke into her wake.

"Mira! Hang on!" I cried before ducking down next to Token. There was no reply. Likely that last shot took out her comms. "Alright, let's help her out."

"What?" Token exclaimed. "We're helping a Covenant bird? Y-... your mystery girlfriend is a Covenant bird?"

"C'mon, dude. Have I given you any reason not to trust me?" I shrugged.

"Ummm..." Token thought about that for a moment to make sure it wasn't a trick question.

"Exactly." I snapped, dragging him to his feet. "Let's go!"

As the two aircraft slashed right overhead the two of us ran in a feeble attempt to catch up. It wasn't really to play catch up, more to get into a proper position.

As I dropped to one knee I slid into cover beside a burn out motor-home parked atop the structure. Token stylishly slid over the bonnet of a sport's car and landed right beside me. Mira was pulling her phantom into a steep climb, and then took a sharp left to come back around, bringing her pursuing banshee right into our sights.

My SMG levelled, but at once I knew it was pointless.

"What's a rifle going to do against that thing?" I bellowed as I looked over to Token.

To my shock I saw the man was suddenly hefting a rocket launcher on one shoulder. "That's what this is for, baby!"

I blinked for a minute, completely dumbfounded. "Sweet." That was when I dove to the deck and Token rose to his feet, lining up his shot.

The lock-on tone sounded, and a second later on a pillar of fire and smoke, a duo of rockets scythed into the air, spiralling about each other as they tracked the banshee. I glanced up to see Token drop to his knees, coughing smoke rings and patting out his smouldering eye-brows.

My gaze averted to Mira's drop ship. The craft pulled into a tight turn around the twin rockets, which passed her by and slammed into the pursuing banshee. The craft bounced off course and span into a deadly cart-wheel, spitting fire and debris in its descent.

"Ooh-rah, bitches!" Token whooped screwing his cigar-stub back into his mouth.

Mira immediately slowed the vehicle and hovered nearby. I beckoned Token to move, and we ran for it.

Token was on the lead. He leapt up onto the low concrete wall surrounding the rooftop parking plaza and leapt up towards the belly of the phantom. A beam of light caught him mid-leap and dragged him upwards. I followed quickly, plucked into the air right behind him.

That was when it hit.

A tracer slashed through the air and slammed into Token's head. He let out an 'Ack!' as he was thrown sideways out of the grav-lift and was sent tumbling past me.

"Token!" I yelled, watching my friend tumble away into oblivion. Turning my head I saw the familiar glint of a sniper scope.

My VISR zoomed in to spot Boone lift his sniper rifle in one arm and flip me the bird.

"Fuck you, you fucking-..." I stopped myself as I rose the last few feet into the phantom. "Wait, why do I even care anymore? I know Token's just going to respawn and re-appear in the style of some ridiculous Stan Lee / Marvel cameo."

I was sucked into the belly of the craft and the troop bay hatch closed over beneath me. I landed lightly on board the phantom eager to leave all this shit behind.

"Let's get out of here!" I cried desperately turning to where my grey armoured saviour stood.

Mira bashed her fist against the cockpit door twice and I felt the ground shift as the phantom suddenly picked up speed. "We're already going."

Catching our breath, we stood there watching each other for a moment.

I was the first to smile. "Hi, Mira."

"Hey, Sawyer." The arbiter chuckled.

Mira looked as good as the first time I laid eyes on her. Heck, this time round we were leaving Olduvai in our wake. Looking out the side of the drop ship I could already see the city outskirts whizzing by. Soon we'd be clear of the city and we'd be able to break for orbit.

Just because of that Mira managed to look even hotter.

Of course, Vixxen had something to say about it. My holo-pod glowed and she materialised between us, checking out the alien before her.

"Wow, Sawyer. Your alien girlfriend is sexy_! Rawr~!"_

"Thank you." Mira said a little surprised. "You're pretty fuckin' hot yourself."

Vixxen looked pleased with that compliment. No doubt she felt the same way I felt about Mira's coarse language mixed with that sexy accent. "And you don't beat around the bush, it seems."

"Something tells me you'd like me to beat around your bush." The arbiter whispered, winking suggestively.

"Oh... oh, my." Vixxen gave something of a cute flustered expression. I never figured I'd see that AI get flustered by anything but... well, there you have it. She immediately threw her arms around Mira's neck and held herself close. "Take me. I'm yours!" the vixen proclaimed.

I just kind of rolled my eyes.

And then something unexpected happened. Vixxen spazzed out.

I was about to jump closer but held my distance. I watched as Mira held a cylindrical device pressed against the AI's chest, seemingly sucking the very life out of her. Vixxen flailed her arms dangerously, but Mira ignored it before finally giving the hologram a shove, allowing her collapse to the floor.

"Jesus, Mira! What the hell?" I yelled as I dropped to Vixxen's side.

The AI had a huge dopey grin on her face. her eyes were glazed over... she looked stoned.

"Five more minutes daddy." Vixxen mumbled. "I want to cum some more."

With an awkward cringe I leaned away.

"Your new fuck toy will be fine." Mira assured teasingly as she holstered the cylinder she used to brutalise the AI. "I just ripped a copy of the UNSC security codes and protocols for myself... well, not so fucking much for myself, the fuck am I going to do with 'em? Nah, I think these will fetch a nice price with the Covenant. The location of Earth included of course."

I could hardly believe my ears. What was she saying? She was selling out my species? Selling the location of Earth to the Covenant? So that's how they would find Earth after years of brutal war? Not during some epic space battle, not after a squad of good men and women fight to the death in an attempt to protect the data in question? They would find earth because of the greed of some trash talking, hot-ass elite!?

"Those codes and protocols are part of my home-planet's defence systems." I shouted as I rose to my feet again. Vixxen just moaned groggily in the back of my mind as her avatar evaporated. "With those the Covenant would find and lay waste to Earth! They'll drive my people extinct!"

"True. But we will be rolling in lots and lots of money."

I scowled. "We?"

Mira smirked. "Come here." she said alluringly holding out a hand. "Come with me, Sawyer. We'll be rich and fucking powerful. And we'll be together. I'll take care of you. You won't ever have to fight ever again." She added in a whisper and a lusty gaze. "And you can fuck me anytime it takes your fancy. I won't mind."

I'm not kidding, that was a pretty good offer. Riches. A warm bed every night... it was tempting.

I shook my head regardless, swallowing my shame for even considering saying 'okay.'

"I can't let you do this, Mira. I don't like the UNSC much, and I have my reservations about Earth, but this is my species we're talking about! You're condemning innocent lives to extinction by selling those codes to the Covenant!" My hands clenched into fists. "You know damn well they will murder every last man, woman and child."

Noting my stance the arbiter sighed, brushing a lock of her hair back. "I'm really fucking sorry to hear that, Sawyer." She said sincerely despite the harsh language. It must have been the first time I've heard hear curse and didn't have my body react sexually. "I really think we would have worked, you and me."

"Give me back those codes." I ordered.

"No." Mira shook her head simply.

My fingers brushed the SMG holstered to my leg. "I won't ask again."

I didn't have to - her mind was already made, and as such she made her move.

Mira's size doubled in my perspective as she darted closer, clearing the space between us in seconds. At the exact same time my hand closed around the handle of my M7S and it was pulled free with a sharp 'clack' of the mag-lock letting go.

My hand angled upward with gun and my finger pulled the trigger all the way back. The SMG didn't have much of a kick, caseless rounds and minimal bolt-motion helped minimise recoil. As such the light weapon could be fired fairly accurately from one hand. At that proximity a short burst of full automatic fire should have been instantly lethal.

Had I been toting an assault rifle of course. The M7S was a small calibre weapon, suited against lightly armoured infantry. Against shields it had trouble, and required sustained bursts to penetrate.

My SMG only burped out a trio rounds against Mira's shields, causing them to flicker negligently. She casually grabbed me by the wrist with one slender hand and twisted the weapon away. My arm was bent across my stomach and my M7S coughed the last of the magazine into the wall of the phantom, dents and holes peppering the soft material lining the troop-bay.

'Click-click-click-click!' the noise pierced my helmet moments before an adrenaline rush deafened me, blood pounding noisily in my ears.

The arbiter pushed me off balance, sending me teetering over the edge of the troop-ramp. My free hand cocked back in a desperate attempt to punch her in the face. Anything to get the bitch off me. Anything to escape her grip.

However as my fist moved to make contact, she reached up with her own free hand and caught me by the knuckles. She effortlessly twisted and folded my arm across my chest, holding me in place as if I was bound by a strait-jacket. Coiling closer, the elite pressed her body against mine, planting a foot between my boots and holding me in place, angled backwards over the edge of the phantom's ramp.

She sighed, her breath fogging against my cracked visor. I struggled, but she held me even tighter. Angling my head a little I could see the ground blurring past below.

"You were so fuckable." Mira smirked. "So many positions I wanted to try."

I angrily spat in her face... only unfortunately I had forgotten to remove my helmet, so a smear of spittle splashed across the inside of my visor.

To make it worse, the action caused my helmet to bob forward and my faceplate bopped against her mandibles in a kiss-like gesture. She mistook the gesture as an action of regretful intimacy and blushed. Her smirk disappeared and there was something in her eyes I hadn't seen before.

It was regret.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered sincerely.

And then she let go. Her arms uncoiled into a solid shove and I was thrown clear of the Phantom. The world was a blur all around... and then the ground hit me like the fist of an angry Devil aiming to sock me right in the gonads.

I tumbled head over heels, rolling over the hard asphalt and sliding to a halt on my front. Grit scraped noisily over my visor leaving a visible, cloudy scratch with the crack across the tempered OLED.

It didn't stop me.

Jumping to my feet, I managed to ignore the pain racing through my body, shaking a fist at the departing drop ship. "Dirty whore!" I screamed angrily after her, for all the good it did. "Dirty-dirty whore!"

The Phantom's engines belched a burst of energy and the craft shot into orbit, disappearing into the night. I was on my own again. Token was... well... God only knew where. Mira had betrayed me. Boone was out for my blood, along with the rest of the UNSC most likely.

That was when I realised I was no longer in the city centre. I'd been carried clear of the major metropolis sprawl and found myself on a bypass, surrounded by dark verges and abandoned vehicles. An overpass ran up to one side, spiralling off to some towers to the north. Several roads in the labyrinth of access ways and bypasses snaked in several directions, some even disappearing into tunnels.

I looked up to see more Covenant ships began to circle like vultures. The whole world seemed to shake as a light destroyer rumbled overhead, point lasers flickering as they searched for targets. On the horizon I could see a hellish orange glow where dozens more ships seemed to be circling in neat formations. Plasma bombs and beams of pure energy ignited in the distance, flattening vast expanses of city and country-side, buckling the planet's crust and boiling the local atmosphere.

Mira had no doubt contacted Vipress fleet with news of her find already. They'd probably already struck some sort of deal. Olduvai held no worth to the Covenant any more. Vipress fleet was beginning cleanup.

They were systematically glassing Olduvai.

My heart sank. I passed through the entire Kübler-Ross model in ten seconds flat.

It's fine. I thought to myself. This is okay, I've been in worse jams. I'm still alive, it'll work itself out... but why the hell do I always go through this shit, huh? Why? Why me!? This is fucking stupid! I'd do anything to get out of this jam! Anything! C'mon, God! Please? A little help? I'll promise to be good! I'll be a saint from now on! Oh, man. Will anyone even care when I'm gone? This... this sucks!

I sighed. I guess this is it then. I'm done. I guess I had a good ru-... what?

My comms had spurred to life, derailing my train of thought and catching me by surprise.

"All units, all units. The traitor and war-criminal known as 'Sawyer' has be sighted in grid six-kilo-twenty." A woman's voice announced on the fading bee-net. It seemed a little ironic to me at a time my patchy link to the UNSC command network, nicknamed the bee-net, was buzzing loudly like the command and control centre was filled by a horde of angry bees. "He is armed and dangerous and is to be eliminated at all costs."

I gaped. The sons-of-bitches were persistent; I had to give them that.

"Not to worry, command." Came a dreadfully familiar voice. "I have him in my scope."

I frowned. "Boone?"

I was answered by the distinct crack of a sniper rifle... followed by the crack of my armour.

The round slashed past me, striking me in the pauldron at an odd angle. The armour shattered in an instant. The force of it caused me to twist sharply away before I kissed the ground. Pain shot through me like I'd just been assaulted by a baton. Vision narrowing with pain and fatigue, I managed to reach out and scrape up my SMG from where it had fallen. Kicking with all my might I forced my armour over the rough tarmac of the road and over the grassy verge sloping off on the edge.

As I rolled over the brim of the verge, I looked up and saw the glint of a spotter's scope. My VISR zoomed in to identify the threats. There they were. The kings of dramatic convenience perched in a very conveniently placed sniper-tower.

Boone stood in the observation booth with a sniper rifle shouldered. Beside him stood Captain Locks, the glow of a spotter-scope illuminating his pudgy face. One fat hand erected into a point directly at where I lay.

"There he is!" Locks yelled on open comms. "Shoot him! Shoot him!"

I rolled over the verge and disappeared from their line of sight. The laser sight magically emanating from Boone's scope sliced overhead along with another sniper round. This one missed wide, slamming into the side of an abandoned car laying on the bypass.

"I see him, I see him!" Boone yelled as I slid into cover. Another deafening 'crack' and another tracer sliced over the top of my helmet.

"Well, kill him then!" Locks continued to whine.

Out of pure instinct I fumbled for my ammo pouches. With a heavy heart I withdrew my final magazine.

That was it then. I was going to die no matter what I did.

Sitting in that ditch covered in dirt, gore and alien love-cream I wondered why I even bothered to take cover. The Covenant were glassing the planet. I was as good as dead anyway. Why not just let Locks and Boone kill me? Get it over with, nice and quick?

And then it hit me. I wasn't just defiant to my fate. I just didn't want those fucking retards to be the thing to take me out. I'd prefer to be bombed by plasma from low orbit. I'd rather be torn limb from limb by rabid space-zombies. I'd rather be stabbed to death by Barney the fucking Dinosaur then have my corpse desecrated and humiliated by a troop of small retarded children on national TV than have Locks and Boone be responsible death. I simply would not have it.

If I was going to die, I was going to take those two down with me... kicking and fucking screaming.

With that thought I slammed the last mag into my SMG. The bolt clicked shut and I shouldered the weapon. It was time to go out with a bang.

"What's the plan?" Vixxen was recovering slowly and sounded a little groggy.

"The plan is... don't die." I admitted.

"Oh... That's it? Bummer."

"Yeah..."

Weapon raised I scrambled over the verge and beat feet across the clearing into the mess of abandoned cars. A round pierced the air beside my helmet, but I ignored it. My left arm swinging back and forth for balance, I charged into the first car, my shoulder slamming into the buckled bodywork. Instantly twisting around, I raised my SMG high in both hands and fired on the move, weaving between the cars.

There wasn't much to tell about the battle because it was a lot of me shooting, Boone shooting back. I fired constantly on the move with short controlled bursts, just hoping to keep the sniper's head down while I displaced between cover. Each shot Boone squeezed off sparked close to my brain-pan, but never quite hit. My luck hadn't run dry yet.

Though, as I got closer to the base of the tower things got more... interesting. Thanks to Boone's elevation, soon my cover counted for naught. I came to a dreadful realisation of this when one of his better-placed rounds cratered into the asphalt beside my foot.

"This isn't going well!" Vixxen complained.

"Stop back-seat gun-fighting!" I snapped back at her.

Squeezing off a sustained burst I felt my stomach churn as my ears registered 'dead-man's-click.' I broke out in sweat realising I was out of ammo.

Snapping my M7S in place on my thigh I rolled sideways, another anti-material round slamming into the ground at my side. diving out from behind a convertible I threw myself against the side of a high-topped SUV, providing a little more cover now that Boone was practically hanging overhead.

"Oh, great. Now what do I use. Harsh language?" I sneered down at my submachine gun - which had up until that point refused to let me down.

"You could use your massive MAC gu-..." Vixxen started a little huskily.

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!"

A round slammed into the SUV's canopy as if to break us up.

If there was ever a do-or-die moment in this last stand, that was it. I didn't have much of a choice. Rolling on to my feet, I slipped around the car used for cover and bounded headlong at the base of the sniper's tower.

The world blurred past my eyes as I ran in long strides, pushing myself faster than I had ever run before. A deafening crack overhead resulted in a snipe-shot slamming into the ground at my heels. It only served to push me harder.

Reaching out, I screamed at the top of my lungs, leaping from atop the roadside barriers and slamming headlong into the personnel ladder riveted to the side of the tower's base. My hands missed the rungs and my whole body slammed into the ladder, driving the wind out of my lungs.

Sucking it up though, I caught myself and slowly shook off the numbing bruises forming on my face, chest and limbs. Groaning and with mumbled complaints I started climbing before I could even figure out what I was actually doing. It would only be a matter of seconds before the duo figured out where I was. All they'd have to do is aim down through the tower's access hatch and I'd be a dead man.

Still, I might be a dead man anyway. I didn't have a fucking plan (Flailing my arms maniacally while dodging bullets and tossing harsh language into the air is not a plan)!

Reaching the top and looking up I saw Boone had caught on quickly. He was standing framed in the hatch, his rifle pointed down at me. I could see his helmet was missing and there was a devious grin on his face while the muzzle of that rifle literally poked me in the visor.

"Any last words?" Boone sneered.

I gulped. "Yeah. I hope this works!"

"Huh-..." Boone hardly managed to let out a cry of surprise as I grabbed the barrel of his rifle.

I pulled. Hard.

Boone didn't see it coming. Either that or he was just glued to his sniper rifle, because the tug yanked him off his feet, through the hatch and down past me.

The sergeant screamed as he free-fell right past and slammed into the ground a few seconds later.

"Haha!" I bellowed down at Boone's still form, cupping one hand around my faceplate. "Glove's on the other foot now, bitch!" though I had to admit, after being such an antagonist throughout my Olduvai 'adventure,' for him to fall so quickly seemed anti-climactic.

That was when two hands reached down through the hatch and grabbed me by the collar. Blinking, I felt like I recognised those pudgy hands.

"Hmmmm..." was the only sound that could escape my helmet before a powerful force tugged me up through the access hatch.

A collection of squishy fingers closed around under my chin and strangled my throat. With a gag, I found myself looking down at Locks. The cream-puff captain. The calorie induced heart-attack waiting to happen. The fat guy. He was holding me up, somehow, with one arm his hand closed around my throat.

So Boone was beaten easily, it seemed Locks was not going down as simply. The universe was right once more... sort of.

"You gotta be kidding me." I choked, staring at the man.

"Sawyer!" Vixxen cried in my head. "Look out; he's stronger than he looks!"

"Thanks for the heads up." I scowled cynically back at the AI.

"I told you." Captain Locks smiled smugly. "It's not fat. It's all muscle!"

I frowned. "You never told me that!"

It was the captain's turn to frown. Glancing from left to right he thought about it for a moment, then laughed. "Oh yeah. Well then. Time to kill you, Sawyer. But not after I recite a badass one-liner." He paused for dramatic effect, before...

"It's just been revoked!" he ended up shouting.

"Yeah, I didn't set you up for that line." I managed, grabbing Locks by the wrist and freeing some space between his fingers and my windpipe.

Locks sighed. "Fine. Then, uh-... maybe if this were five-hundred times Earth's gravity, you would have the advantage. But ten? I don't even feel it!"

"That's..." Vixxen paused to clear her throat. "Uh. Better?"

Locks smiled proudly. I gave him a deadpan kick in the face.

Literally. I'm not kidding folks. I drop kicked that motherfucker into next week... well. Uh... actually, he got a kick in the face. I was launched into next week. I'm not sure how it happened. My boot made contact with the centre of his face and snapped his head back. It was kind of like kicking a mattress.

But somehow he was rooted to the spot, and the blow launched me from his grip and threw me into the tower's flooring. I skidded to a halt and looked up to see blood trickling from Locks' nose.

Completely confounded, Locks touched it and inspected the crimson fluid staining his fingertips.

"You made me bleed." An angry vein - or at least I think that's what it was - throbbed on the captain's forehead. "Nobody... NOBODY makes me bleed my own blood!"

"Eh..." I cocked my head a little confused.

Steadying his own stance, the captain prepped for something. And something told me that very something was something extremely bad.

It started as a rumble, then a growl, growing into a groan before his jaw dislodged and he unleashed all his rage through his voice. "RrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-..." Locks cried with the ferocity of an anime Gary Stu.

I frowned, watching an updraft catch Locks' folds of flab causing a series of fleshy tsunamis to ripple over his body and push his hair upward. "Oh, no."

His feet parted into a 'horse' stance and he held his clenched fists by his sides, pure white eyes rolled back into his skull. "...-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-..."

"Aww, crap, this'll end in tears." I sighed as I watched Locks go into super-sayan-psycho mode.

His hair bleached over, turning pure white like his murder-filled eyes. A ball of fire seemed to engulf his hand and the flames morphed slowly into a knife, forming a vicious looking blue-steel blade.

"Oh, holy shit." I cringed at the sight. "What the fuck?"

"It... it's...." Vixxen stammered. "It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAND!" - short pause - "Inches."

"What, over nine-..." I suddenly stopped myself. "Nine thousand? What? What is?"

"The size of the new vibrator I'm ordering online." Vixxen suddenly huffed. "Geez, Sawyer. Your internet connection is really slow. When's the last time you upgraded the bandwidth... width...? Ooooh~. Naughty-naughty-naughty thoughts." She added with a giggle.

I just palmed my visor and gave a disgusted groan.

"Come here, Sawyer." Locks cackled maniacally, throwing his knife from hand to hand as he finished powering up. "Come and play with me!"

I scrambled to my feet, holding up my arms to defend myself. "Yeah, I'm not going to do that." I assured him.

I guess we now finally know why the UNSC loved Locks so god-damn much.

He attacked with a slash. As I jumped back I grabbed my own knife and pulled it loose. Raising the weapon I narrowly blocked. A metallic clang rang through the night along with my pained cries. The blow was like taking a jackhammer rocket to the chest. It launched me clear in a shower of sparks and slammed me into the tower's guard rail with such force the safety railings actually buckled into a Sawyer-esque imprint.

Groaning I picked myself and held up my knife again... only to note Locks' blade had shattered my own.

With a sigh I tossed the useless thing over my shoulder. "Whelp... this is gonna suck."

"Would you like me to-..."

"Shut up, Vixxen." I sighed.

Locks darted in. I ducked to one side.

Crouching low, I twisted around and sprang up, putting as much distance I could between myself and knife wielding fatso. He turned to meet me and stabbed for the face.

With a yelp I dropped to the ground and kicked the nearby railing. The opposing forces send me into a head first dive, sliding across the floor, right through Locks' widely parted legs. Rolling onto my back I scrambled back until there was nowhere left to go. Locks just leaned all the way forward and hung his head upside down between his legs, glaring at me.

As I climbed to my feet again, the captain whirled around and launched into another attack.

One of his hands clamped on my shoulder holding me in place. The other raised his knife in an attempt to stab me through the visor. I reached up and grabbed hold of his wrist, stopping him from doing just that. But to my surprise I found my arm trembling, straining to hold the knife away.

With his teeth gritted and the look of an axe-murderer... um... knife murderer in his eyes, Locks let a clear line of drool dribble down over his chin, trying to sink the blade into me. "Let go of me." He seethed angrily. "Then let me stick this knife in you. Then scream in agony as I..."

"No," I interrupted. "Let me stop you there, because I'm not doing any of this!"

Holding his knife clear, I cocked my right fist back at waist level and lashed out with two sharp blows to the captain's gut. To my surprise, each blow drew a high pitched dog-toy-like squeak from the man. I blinked with surprise. It was kind of like punching squeaky jell-o.

"Hehe." I chuckled, landing three more quick squeaky punches. "That's fucking hilarious!"

My amusement was short-lived however as Locks grabbed me by the front of my belt, lifted me clean off my feet and threw me across the tower. Once again I slammed into the safety railing, blessing the metal construction for not allowing me to plummet to my doom.

With a groan I sat up and looked helplessly to Locks. The captain had my number. He wasn't just beating me, he was practically ass-raping me... okay, with everything that's happened over the past twenty-three hours maybe we shouldn't go there.

Rubbing my sore helmet, I stared as the captain took his 'powering-up' stance again.

"Kaaaaaaa-..." Locks started shouting.

I blinked. "Oh, no." this was about to get worse, if my 'holy-shit' senses were working properly of course.

"...-maaaaaaaayyyyy-..."

"Oh, no." I held out my hands, waving them in a hope to get Locks to sympathise and stop his attack mid-charge. "No, no, no, no!"

"...-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-maaaaaaaaaaay-..."

"Nononononono!"

"HAAAAAa-uhwaaa-...?" Locks' eyes bugged as he suddenly took a heel in the back and stumbled forward.

I caught a glimpse of her, just about. Her delicate hands clamped over the guards of the tower and the nimble little pixy doubled over the railings. As she flipped over, the jackal swung her long, athletic legs around before the narrow-ended heel of her right boot slammed into the small of Locks' back, causing his spine to pop and the man to be launched directly at me like an anime missile of pure musc-... I'm sorry, I can't say it. Far as I'm concerned, it wasn't muscle. I stick with my guns. It was lard. Locks was just fat. Really-really fat. I can't even get over how fat.

As my mysterious jackal guardian angel landed gently in one corner of the tower, I rolled to one side. Just in time too, or Locks may have killed me anyway. Killed me not with the knife, but through crushing. The man slammed into the railing and doubled over, revealing - much to everyone's disgust - his trousers that didn't quite fit.

What happened next - I will admit - was actually kind of sadistically funny.

I tugged hard at the back of Lock's underwear, lifting him into the mother of all wedgies. With a heave and a squeal from the obese captain, I managed to lift him clean over the tower's safety railing, sending him plummeting over the side.

Leaning over the railing I looked down to watch him go. The man was flapping his arms in desperation, the sight of which made him look like a flabby Christmas turkey trying to escape the chopping block. All the way down he gave a girly scream of terror that put my own screams of inner femininity to shame.

And then he gave the ground a big, friendly hug...

The impact could best be described as an explosion of pudding.

Cringing I leaned back and turned to face my saviour. She smiled. My visor - long since faded from grey to transparent - revealed my own relieved smile.

To my surprise, I felt no relief. Though No joy. No ecstasy. Locks was dead. Boone was gone. My troubles were sort of over. I should have been over the moon.

I sighed, casting a glance to the burning horizon. Death shouldn't be celebrated. Death only begets more death. I forget who said that, but it's true. If there was anything worth learning that day, it was that-...

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I'll just admit it. After everything that day, I was dancing with joy, whooping loudly and flashing the back of my middle-fingers at Captain Locks' remains.

"Take that you fat, fucking, prick!" I bellowed down at the gloopy mess that was once a UNSC captain.

It was a 'fuck-yeah' moment and I wasn't going to waste it with philosophical bullshit. Sorry for being a dickhead, but if you'd been through all I'd been through thanks to Locks...

When I did finally calm down I turned to see my rescuer. The jackal girl smiled, lifting a delicate hand to remove her monocle-visor. I smiled back.

Though our moment was ruined by an explosion. I should have known the calm would not last.

The blast tore up a chunk of verge, spilling clods of charred earth into the air that rained across the roof of our little tower. Whirling back around I zoomed in my visor, ignoring the static and bars of corrupted data obscuring my peripheral vision. There they were, outlined in red. The tell-tale silhouette of Tarantula long range tanks. Their missile launchers flared and a series of rockets arched across the no-man's-land between us. Several hit nearby. Others struck overpasses causing them to collapse or overturned abandoned civilian vehicles.

My gaze turned back to the jackal. She was still the same. Scanty armour, a mysterious smile and something of an innocence in her eye. Deep down I knew damn well she was anything but innocent. The way she stood with her hands on her wide, sleek hips was the posture of a confident and in-control young woman.

"Looks like this is it." I mumbled in a grim tone, her confidence not at all rubbing off on me. Though I could name a few things of hers that I'd prefer to rub on-FOCUS SAWYER!

To my surprise however, she backed up to the nearest railing and perched her firm buttocks on the top. With a shake of her head, she said in perfect English: "Not yet."

I blinked a little confounded as she beckoned me closer. Cautiously I complied... until I was in arms reach and she grabbed me by the chest plate. Pulling me close so her rounded chest armour clanged against mine, she wrapped both her arms and legs around me, holding me tightly in place, our faces only separated by the battered transparent film of my visor.

I watched one hand reach back to her backpack and pull at a rip-chord. I expected a parachute to flop out of the pack. Instead I found myself looking at some kind of glowing balloon bob up into the sky, connected to the back of the jackal's combat harness.

"I am Nefriti by the way." She introduced soothingly.

I swallowed, almost knowing what was going to happen next. "I'm Sawye-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR!"

My scream echoed off into the night - drowned only by Nefriti's whoop of excitement and an explosion engulfing the tower we had inhabited only moments ago - as what happened next happened so quickly I'd have to give you the play by play at a more manageable pace.

See, something slashed overhead. Some kind of wedge-shaped object, likely a plane or a ship. It caught the balloon and the cable suspended to Nefriti by some kind of wedge-shaped rig attached to the nose. With a sickening tug, we were both yanked from the tower, dragged spiralling up into the air as the ship pulled sharply upward. As we hung there, screaming and whooping, hot air followed us. Looking back I saw a blurry explosion of fire engulf the tower we had been standing in only seconds ago as one of the Tarantula missiles hit its mark.

Metal screamed and groaned, support cables snapped and whiplashed every which way as the tower collapsed in on itself.

How we ended up on board the ship, your guess is as good as mine. One minute I'm hanging on to Nefriti for dear life, the next I'm slumped on the cargo deck, propped up against one of the walls looking at the escape pods opposite from me.

To my side Nefriti was operating the cargo bay doors, sealing them up and pressurising the spacious compartment.

"Ah!" the holo-pod on my armour glowed as Vixxen appeared standing over me. "A transport ship! Slipspace capable. Very good." She gave a sly little smirk in my direction. "I think I prefer this alien girlfriend, Sawyer."

Panting for breath I just flipped her the bird. I was way too tired to do or say anything else.

Vixxen just giggled. "I'm broadcasting clearance codes now. We should be clear to make our escape run soon without the UNSC taking shots at us." Kneeling beside me on my left, the AI's avatar gently stroked the side of my helmet. I was too exhausted to even swat her off. "Oh, you poor dear. I just reviewed your mission vids. You've been through such an ordeal."

Nefriti smiled as she knelt by my right side and did the same. "After everything you've been through, I think you deserve a little reward." She giggled in a teasing tone.

"W-what..." was all I could stammer as the holographic girl and the alien girl looked at each other with bedroom-eyes.

"What do you think?" Nefriti asked.

Vixxen smiled, reaching up and caressing the jackal's cheek. "I agree." The AI whispered huskily. "Besides. I love sharing."

I just sat there staring. There was no way. There was no way they would-...

They did.

Nefriti and Vixxen tilted their heads before their lips locked. They kissed deeply, every so often their lips parting to reveal their slick tongues were probing deep into each other's mouths. Vixxen was letting out several hard emulated breaths of excitement. While her one hand was stroking Nefriti's cheek tenderly, her other hand seemed to have disappeared between her own thighs.

As they went at it I felt a fumbling in my crotch. No, it's not what you're thinking. It was actually a hand fidgeting away. And it wasn't my own hand either. That'd just be gross. The fuck were you thinking?

Sicko...

Nefriti pulled down my zipper with a single deft move and plunged her hand into my pants. As her gentle digits firmly grasped my rapidly growing shaft, she managed to draw a surprised squeak from my throat. I imagined I was sitting there like a flabbergasted cartoon character, mouth twisted awkwardly with one eye bigger than the other.

As the two ladies broke their kiss they looked down at my pants, then smirked at each other. They both darted in at the same time. I was left for words. There was nothing I could say (or want to say) to stop them. They were like locked-on laser-guided sex-seeking missiles with a singular nymphomaniacal purpose.

Beheld was a scene that every guy fantasises of. I had two lovely ladies eager to please me for no reason other than dramatic convenience.

Nefriti worked her lips over the head, gently suckling and licking away in small circles. Vixxen seemed very much occupied with trying to wrap her tongue all the way around my shaft while her fingers worked up and down. The jackal's saliva drooled down my skin to meet the dry holographic digits, lubing them up nicely as she gently rubbed.

Every so often Nefriti would take my whole length in her mouth, forcing my head against the back of her throat, swallowing and causing the slick muscles to contract snugly around my member. Her tongue swirled all around, pooling her drool all over me while her lips met Vixxen.

The horny duo kissed through my cock, eager to put on a show while they went at it.

As Nefriti worked her magic, I saw Vixxen had huddled a little closer up beside her companion. While the jackal was bent over with her rounded buttocks sticking up in the air, Vixxen's right hand moved over her rounded, soft features. I saw Vixxen's holographic digits slide over the summit of Nefriti's rear, and a moment later there was a soft 'squelch.'

Nefriti moaned sweetly at the same time, her voice muffled by a mouthful of cock. I felt her jaw tighten and her lips grip me tighter. Her hips bucked a little as her cheeks suddenly flushed dark red. Wet smack of her lips (you know which lips I'm talking about) rang out as she wiggled her rump. Vixxen started fidgeting, feeling around and exploring the jackal's sweet depths causing the jackal to moan even louder.

It was too much. I couldn't hold out for very long, and admittedly it was a little embarrassing. Only a few minutes in I clenched. My fingers nearly dug grooves into the metal deck plates. Everything (seriously, everything) went stiff. I groaned and came at the same time.

Nefriti had felt me clench and swell in her mouth. She knew what was coming. Her glistening moist lips locked tight over my shaft scraped all the way up to the head, her tongue dragging all the way. There was a wet swirly placed over the head before she pulled my member free from her mouth with a wet 'pop.'

Vixxen took over with excitement. "Oooh-oooh, my turn. I want to feel him in me!" she cried.

"W-wai-..." I groaned.

Too late.

I felt her lips clamp over me and her head bob up and down. Her dry, holographic features lubricated by Nefriti's fluids smothered my most sensitive parts and bobbed up and down. It was too much.

I came in her mouth.

At the same time the AI's eyes widened with surprise before she lifted her head and held my member up with one hand, her tongue dripping with jizz.

Vixxen giggled as she gasped for an emulated breath of shock. Another stream of white goo shot up and splattered in a neat rope over the top of the AI's muzzle.

"You knew that was going to happen." Vixxen complained, still smiling though. "You bitch."

Vixxen playfully probed her fingers deeper into Nefriti's snatch. At the same time the jackal arched her back, eyes wide and her mouth gaping in a silent moan.

"Oh you poor thing." Nefriti murred seductively as the jolt of pleasure electrifying her passed. "Here," she added as she gave my member one last cleansing lick. "Let me clean you up."

With Vixxen's head cradled in both hands, the jackal moved closer and planted a long, slow lick over the vixen's nose. Her tongue travelled up over her muzzle, scooping up the rope of cum splattered on her face in one fluid move. Taking the semen in her mouth, she then moved down a little and pressed her lips against Vixxen's again.

As they kissed I saw their tongue's tango again as Nefriti took in the load I'd blown in Vixxen's mouth. Their lips parted, leaving a string of cum and spittle connecting them for a moment before it broke. I gulped at the sight.

Nefriti gulped down her medicine in reply. Vixxen was still giggling and giving me bedroom eyes as her avatar evaporated.

With one hand Nefriti stroked the side of my helmet before planting a wet kiss in the middle of my visor. I stared through the hazy lip-prints left on the battered and scratched tempered glass as Nefriti rose to her feet. With her hips swaying from side to side she casually moved to the nearest escape pod and turned on her heel before entering.

The jackal stood a little angled with one arm resting on the bulkhead frame, watching me sit up with a little smile on her lips. Her other hand rested on her slender hip cocked out to one side. The way her loincloth fell I could make out the bare, glistening flesh underneath.

"Until next time," she purred softly, backing into the escape pod. "My tasty little human."

I gaped as the doors swished shut and the pod launched out into space. She came, she saw, she dominated and she left. Other than actually having a name for her, she was still mysterious as ever.

Nefriti... God, I could only hope to meet her again.

Perhaps, not too soon though. Everything I'd been through... I was spent. Exhausted. Dehydrated. Completely over-used.

If I saw so much as a porno-mag within the next week or two, it'd be too fucking soon.

Dressing myself with a groan I managed to rise to my feet and carry my tired frame towards the craft's command centre. That was when a worrisome little detail prodded me in the kidneys.

"Wait, who's flying this thing?" I suddenly asked with worry as we arrived at the bridge.

"Who do you think?" was Vixxen's reply.

I laughed. "No way-..."

And of course, I shouldn't have been surprised. There he sat on the bridge at the navigation station. Stripped from the waist up, a towel hanging over one muscular shoulder, a foamy toothbrush sticking out of his mouth.

Mid-brush, Sergeant Major Token looked up and grinned innocently. "Ey', Sawyer." He said, muffled by his toothbrush. "W'sup?"

I didn't answer. Words would not do my feelings justice...

With a tired sigh I threw myself into system-ops seat and slumped back. Everything ached. The pain was everywhere, in my muscles, in my joins, under my nails and even behind my eyes. But pain could fade.

Olduvai. It was over...

"Oh, Sawyer." Vixxen once again piped up in a sing-song voice on the broad-comm, jolting my train of thought off the tracks. "You still owe me a gooey MAC round. Cumming on my face doesn't count. It has to be inside me."

I suddenly burst out laughing awkwardly, looking sideways at Token to see if he heard that. "Oh, God! The world does not need to know that!"

Token just stared at me for a bit before slowly rolling his eyes. He was too tired to ask. I was too tired to explain. We made a silent agreement that day never to bring it up again.

My mission clocked ticked onto twenty-four hours and I yawned loudly, pulling off my helmet. Turning the head-gear over I inspected my reflection in the visor, angling the armour to get a better look at my war-wounds. A five-o'clock shadow had formed over my face, there were tired bags under my eyes and the right corner of my bottom lip was cracked. I was bruised, busted, dried blood caked to the side of my nose and trails of it running down my chin. Some more drooled from my temple and matted in my hair that was in desperate need of some shearing.

I sighed, hardly recognising myself. Heck, I'd probably never be the same again.

"What now?" Token asked sideways, staring out into slip-space warping and glowing all around us.

I just shrugged, setting my helmet down on the floor and resting my head back in my seat. "Wake me. When you need me."

With a small grin I shut my eyes drifted into a very well-deserved sleep.

The End

Halo FUBAR has been brought to you by coffee... lots and lots of coffee.

I would like to thank the following readers who commented with support and constructive criticism.

[In no particular order]

• Lando the Charizard
• Dragonboy123
• Jahuty
• Insert name here
• RandomManofDoom
• Clericilis
• Vipera <- My first stalker from Halo Chronicles if I'm not mistaken
• AceFox27
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• Darkdragon33
• SniperSparta-... wait... no, scratch that one.
• Jhero16
• Webster52402
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• Ruff1298
• Arune
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• Cyberdramonmonx
• Reaper_shadow
• Helban
• Jessie Shadowhold <- This guy is fucking badass by the way. WE MISS YOU JESSIE!!!
• MrRaccoon
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• Echron
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• SniperSp-... God-damnit!
• Lonewolf17
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• Crusader148
• ODSTtillDEATH
• Insederec
• Akhenaten <- Posted 'equine.' That's it. Just 'equine.' I know it means horse, but the mystery of why this was posted haunts me to this very-I'm just kidding, it was a misstype to do with a search-bar fuck up :)
• James_A_Silverscale
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• ShadyDANIEL
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• SniperSpartan-977 <- Asshole
• Taurni
• Nixes
• Th3Ch0s3n0n3 <- What the fuck did I just type?
• Opno
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• DAUNTEDSUPERIER
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If I missed you, or doubled up your name give a big-BIG shout out in the comments!

And let's not forget everyone who viewed and favourited the series. Word to 'yo momma!

Soundtrack

1. A Walk in the Woods - Martin O'Donnell (Chapter 01: Tutorial)
2. Semper Fi - Clint Mansell (Chapter 01: Did... That Just Happen?)
3. You're a Soldier Now - Steve Jablonsky (Chapter 02: We've Been Spotted!)
4. Buried Alive - Brand X Music (Chapter 02: Zero Visibility)
5. False King (No Choir) - Two Steps From Hell (Chapter 02: The Jackal with no Name)
6. Taking the Field - Ramin Djawadi (Chapter 03: Badass Unlocked)
7. Crazy Bitch - Buck Cherry (Chapter 04: Hot-ass Trash Talking Elite)
8. The Dozens - MC Hawking (Chapter 04: Got Faith in 'Yo Momma)
9. Merchant of Death - Ramin Djawadi (Chapter 05: Fear the Pink Mist)
10. 1812 Overture - Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (Chapter 06: Apparently We can Work this Out)
11. Hell Breaks Loose - Steve Jablonsky (Chapter 07: Chick Magnet)
12. Administering Control - Jason Greaves (Chapter 08: Huntresses)
13. A Future For the Krogan - Jack Wall (Chapter 08: Vixxen)
14. Thirty Seconds Out - Ramin Djawadi (Chapter 09 : Pick me up, Kick me out)
15. Black Dawn - Machine Vandals (Chapter 09: Boss Battle)
16. Day of Reckoning - Groove Addicts (Chapter 09: Like Punching Pudding)
17. Hate My Life - Theory of a Deadman (Credits)
18. Bogeyman Boogie - Dr Steel (Main Title / Previously...)