Paint By Numbers - Chapter 3
#3 of Paint by Numbers
Chapter 3: Life's Canvas
Jayne had almost ended her blog. She had suddenly found herself inundated with hundreds of emails from males wanting to know more. Her last post seemed to have everyone's attention and the questions she found herself asked were progressively becoming more and more immature. She now deleted anything with a file attached.
She had almost quit. She had taken a week off and tried to let her thoughts settle. It had been an email message that brought her back. Just as it had been email which almost drove her away. A woman wrote to tell her how she too had an experience growing up very similar to what she had. The woman admitted she did not have the same difficulties with sexual enjoyment Jayne did but felt a kinship in their lives. Jayne's reader had found she too was shy and withdrawn until those moments. The woman knew that without them she might still be so withdrawn. Knowing she had reached out and made a connection with someone drew her strength back. She emptied her inbox, the flood of emails having quieted mostly.
With a fresh cup of coffee, she once more began to type.
"When I went to college I knew my life. I had a road map and all I had to do was follow the lines. It was not hard to follow. There were no unknown rules or sudden stops. You just went where your plan told you and that was as complex as it ever got."
"Life doesn't have a road map though, as much as we might like to think it does. Moreover, when I finally got there that first year of college and had that art class I began to realize how little knowing where I wanted to go meant when compared to getting there. I was going to be a nurse. I knew this. It was what I'd always wanted to be and I'd spent what I then thought was an incredible amount of time thinking about just that."
Life has its own unique set of roadblocks and detours. When you learn to navigate them you find something amazing as you go on your journey. I did."
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Jayne stood before the mirror looking at her bedraggled body as she quickly undressed. She was just back from her art class and though her tears had mostly dried the frustration of her sudden well of emotions had still left her in disarray. She cursed softly to herself, words she so seldom uttered. Arousal was so rare to her it felt almost wasted or invaded upon to have it spoiled by her teacher, the students, and even herself.
She lightly pushed her fingers through the soft heavy tuft of fur that overlaid her womanhood and felt the crispness of already dried liquids stuck in her pelt. She found her bare sex as she pushed further down. Hesitantly she lightly probed it for a moment almost embarrassed at such a simple thing. She cursed again finding no feeling at all to the touch.
She continued to stand there feeling both sorry and angry with herself for a few minutes. With effort, she tore her eyes away and grabbed up a towel and the rest of her things before heading to the showers. She washed off f quickly removing all remnants of her moment of private passion and the art class that had spurned it.
She had made something amazing she was able to remind herself as she returned to her room to dry off and redress. By the time she was again in a fresh outfit, she felt better. She actually found herself excited about the pottery class once more. Perhaps she was not a complete failure, maybe just maybe, she could do it a second time, and this time know it was her not just a fluke.
The first semester of college had been hard, she was still getting used to being her own moderator, being responsible for herself and not having parents or teachers there to gently remind her of her duties. Still she was doing well in her classes. Her introductory classes, which would help her nursing degree, were interesting as well. These facts assured her she was all right on her own and kept her happy and content.
A week later and her momentary frustrations had all but disappeared. She had relaxed in the art class and as a result, she found the projects were now coming far more naturally to her paw. As soon as she tried to force anything it would fall apart though. She was frustrated to no small degree at first but her teacher assured her and supported her. She did not break down into tears anymore when things went poorly. She found she was able to find herself in a creative and relaxed state of mind almost upon entering the classroom by the time midterms arrived.
It did not follow her out of the class though. She had tried to keep that relaxed state of being with her in other classes. Instead, she always found herself letting in little moments of panic or fear that only grew and magnified themselves. Her grades were not poor but her nursing classes were starting to falter and that only exasperated her panic and worry further.
She finished the semester soon enough and with more than a little worry to her final grades but managed to pass them all though only the art class was an 'A'. She had even gotten the teacher to admit he was going to miss having her around since she was not an arts student.
That had gotten her thinking over her Christmas break. She liked the nursing classes but they were so much work. She felt it was a labor just to memorize all the details and hated herself when she could not. Her general classes were fine, if still difficult and taxing. She did not feel the immense pressure of her perceived failures there nearly so much. It was only in her art class that she felt at ease. She wondered about that difference throughout her break.
Finally, on her last few days home she had overcome her nervousness and talked to her parents. They had immediately seen the concern and seriousness she had in her eyes and sat down with her at the kitchen table. They knew of and supported her in her desire to be a nurse for years now. She had worked part time at a local hospital delivering evening meals and getting comfortable with patients. She had done projects in her high school classes whenever she could about her desired field.
Above all, she feared disappointing her parents in some way. She told them about her grades and about how she had enjoyed the art class. She remembered, as if out of body, telling them she wanted to give up on nursing and become an artist instead. She could recall the deep sense of dread as if her stomach had dropped away and left only a gaping hole in her when she told them. She remembered how she could not look at them, knowing unconsciously their eyes would be boring into her with the fire of betrayal.
Instead, her father had taken her paw up in his and lightly kissed it. "Follow your heart my Jayne. We'll support you no matter what you choose." he had told her. Her mother had nodded smiling and even a small tear in her eye. Both of them had accepted her desire and she could not fathom it. She was incredibly glad yet she did not understand. It was not until years later her father had admitted he had not followed his heart in college and he could never wish the same upon his only daughter.
She returned to college the next semester changed. She was more at ease almost immediately and her art teacher from the previous semester again found himself instructing her, this time in an introductory drawing course. He had been glad to see her and even though his fangs still glinted occasionally causing her to feel pangs of unease she was glad to have him teach her.
She had spent hours out of class that second semester going through the multitude of supplies in the artists case which was purchased as part of her class materials. She found the more she worked with any of the styles and mediums the more she relaxed. Finally, she found that calmness flowing over into her other classes. The stress was nearly gone from her courses and her grades went up in turn. It was her second favorite semester of her college life.
She even felt so calm and at ease she had been able to find sexual climax twice during her time alone. Yes, it was a semester of self-discovery and she was more than happy with the person she found herself to be.
Jayne had continued to work at her artwork during the summer break hardly finding time to reunite with her friends at times to their irritation. The summer went quickly though but she felt excited to return to school. Her friends were sorry to have to break apart again but wished her all the best. They too had been surprised with her change in majors and the happiness it seemed to instill in her but all of them supported her.
Her second year had started simply enough. She had taken two more art courses, one on art history and the other on interpretation and theory, both quite different but still very enjoyable. Her generals again were a mainstay of her focus for now and she was even finding satisfaction now in them as well. The first semester seemed to pass so easily she barely remembered it even as it transpired.
The second semester though had a new change in store for her, one that even as it occurred went unnoticed.
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"I had thought becoming an art major would be the biggest change in my life. It was certainly the biggest change I had made up until then. I still can remember the fear and trepidation in telling my parents and I thank them every day for their support. If they had not been there for me then I'm sure I would be a far less happy person today. Perhaps the world of nursing might have given a bigger paycheck but in the end is happiness in what we own or in what we feel? I'm glad I had the strength to let myself try something new back then and I hope I can continue to be so strong in the future."
"Until next time, remember to not be afraid to stray outside the lines. Jayne."