Journal of a Changed Slave: Ch.10
#10 of Journal of a Changed Slave
April 1
Well, at least I know what day it is... Probably a good thing since I forgot how many days there are in may anyhow.
I know today's the first, since Stevo came in a played a cruel joke on me. He told me that today was the day I was allowed to leave. That Brian had paid for me and I was going to go home with him. Like a moron, I believed him. I started crying in joy. I even got up and hugged him. He led me out and into another room. My heart sank and I teared up as I saw nothing in there but that same group of male scalies, waiting for me. I remember looking up at Stevo, and he just laughed. "April fools."
He grabbed my collar and he dragged me down onto all fours. I lifted my tail, presenting myself to the horny men ogling me, ready for another go. As soon as Stevo left they were all over me again, clustering together and shoving their cocks into whatever holes they could get their dicks into. I was so exhausted I couldn't do much besides squirm a little as they used me. My body's so sore... They were so rough with me. But it seemed like they knew exactly what my body wanted, how to make me feel good.
I loved when they bit down on my shoulder, using it as more leverage to fuck me even harder. I loved feeling their claws scraping along my scales. They hurt me bad, but they hurt me so... lovingly. Tenderly, almost. It was like drawing my blood was the most tender and affectionate thing they could do. Nothing they did was too bad... just surface wounds, really. They spent hours dumping their cum inside me, just like yesterday. Even though I'm still scared to be impregnated, I admit that I love feeling so... full. It's a nice feeling...
When the masters came in to round everyone up, Ivan took me and washed all the cum and blood off me. He told me how much of a good job I was doing. "You're being such a good girl." He said, and I smiled at him. I wagged my tail. "I hope you like the boys. You'll be seeing a lot of them for a little while." I nodded, shivering a little bit.
As he put me to bed, I whimpered, "I don't wanna get pregnant..."
Ivan shushed me and rubbed my belly, "Well, it's already probably too late for that. Besides, you'll get used to the idea." He smiled warmly at me before leaving.
I'm full of so much lizard cum. If my womb works, which it probably does... I'm so scared.
April 6
I got to see her today. My beloved. My angel. God, I feel so happy and sad at the same time.
At first I thought it was just another client. They started balancing out my visits with clients and the male slaves. When the door opened, I saw Brian, and right beside him, there she was... just like I remember her, just like in my dreams...
The way she looked at me, though... it was like she was looking at a dead body. She took a few steps forward, "Zack? Sweetie?"
I immediately teared up, "A-angel...?"
That was all she needed... Jessica ran forward and threw her arms around me, bawling. I started sobbing too, and hugged her back. Brian just watched as we huddled together, crying hysterically. "I thought you were gone!" She told me, barely able to speak between sobs.
"I missed you so much!" I wailed, clinging to her. Jesus, I have no idea how long we stayed there, blubbering, but for the first time I felt... happy. Happy in a way that I'd forgotten about. Neither of us calmed down for a long time, just rocking back and forth between sobs, hugging each other close...
"I'm so sorry..." I told her, once I was calmed down enough to speak.
"Don't be sorry... please." She told me, but I couldn't help it.
"No, I'm sorry, Angel... They turned me into a freak! They've-" I tried to explain, but she interrupted me.
"Brian told me, he told me everything..." She said, grabbing my hands and pulling away from me a little, so she could look me in the eye. I saw how sad she was, her face all red from crying... I looked away, but I felt her squeeze my hands. "He told me what they did to you, I just needed to see for myself. It's not your fault, Zack, please don't think it's your fault."
I looked up at her, hesitantly. We locked eyes and she tried to force a smile, "We'll get you out of here, Sweetie." I swallowed hard. Just the way she looked at me, the way her eyes were searching inside mine. She was searching for the man she loved. She knew, oh God, she knew. The Zack she loved was gone. I started crying harder again. She hugged me to her, holding me tight. It was something I'd done for her so many times... and now it was my turn, I guess.
"Shhh... It's okay, Sweetie..." She told me, doing her best to hold back tears but failing. "I'm here. We're here for you." She told me, starting to rock me a little. I realized how awkward our embrace was... she was tiny, still a full foot shorter than me and significantly skinnier. But still, she held me, rocking me like a mother would a scared child. It helped, a lot. I rested my head on her shoulder, nuzzling my face into her beautiful blonde hair...
"We're going to help you, Sweetie. We're going to try to help you get back to your old self." She didn't sound very confident on that last part, but it didn't matter. I just cuddled up to her, hugging her tight and crying like a baby. She was always so nurturing... she loved taking care of things. Animals, plants, me... I was broken, and she wanted to fix me.
"I don't think I can..." I told her, "I'm a slut-"
"Oh, Zack, please don't call yourself that..." She cried, hugging me again. "You're not a slut, you're hurt, and your confused, and..." She trailed off, just hugging me tight. I felt her start stroking my hair, continuing to rock back and forth. Now that I think of it, she was probably trying to calm herself down as much as me...
We just had a moment of silence, rocking each other, clinging tight for a little while. "I love you..." I whispered.
"I love you too, Sweetie..." She responded, quietly. Oh, that made me so happy, I hugged her tight and cried. I think I even smiled a little. "I just want to help you, now. We'll get you out of here, and we can be together again. We'll make this work, I promise. Somehow..."
"I just wanna be with you..." I told her. So many thoughts were rushing through my head... Even if we couldn't... BE together, romantically... I just wanted to be with her. I didn't care how, just so long as I could be back with her.
I saw Brian walk over and put a hand on Jessie's shoulder, "We have to go soon."
"Alright..." She said, hesitantly letting go of me. "I'll come see you again, okay?"
"Okay..." I choked, sadly. She hugged me one last time, kissing me on the nose before walking away, covering her face with her hands. Once they were gone... I started bawling. Bawling hard. They took me back to my cell. Ivan even told me that I should write in my journal, as though he needed to tell me that.
I don't know how to feel.
She knows that I'm not Zack anymore... not HER Zack, anyway. She knows that I'm a broken shell ruled by its libido. Does she really think she can help fix me? Or am I just a poor little critter she wants to save...? Actually... at this point I'm not sure I really care about that distinction. I'm a broken little slut and I don't think ANYTHING can ever really "fix" me, but if I can spend the rest of my pathetic, shattered life with her...
That'd be better. I'd still be happy.
April 9
Yesterday, I had a panic attack while I was with a client. It ruined it, and he left, probably without paying. At least that would explain why Master was so mad at me... It was the first time that me freaking out screwed things up. He sent Stevo and someone else to take me back to the dungeon so they could... they could torture me again...
At first they just held me down and spanked me, repeatedly. I kept trying to tell them I was sorry, but they just laughed and eventually gagged me. They tied my arms above my head and tied my knees to a pole so that I couldn't close my legs. Stevo even strapped a leather blindfold over my face, hooking it to the straps holding my gag. He'd never done that before, and I immediately started having another panic attack. I just kept whimpering and crying like a little bitch, but they went to work on me anyway.
Stevo brought some of his favorite torture toys. He shocked me with his cattle prod, whipped my tits and my ass and my feet... I felt them stab my nipples with needles, deeper than before, over and over again. I couldn't see, but after I felt a nice tug, I realized that they'd just given me piercings... Little steel rings, enough for them to get a finger or two through and then twist and tug all they wanted. Oh, it hurt so bad, it felt so sore. They just kept pulling and twisting them, laughing at me while I cried and squirmed.
They eventually left my chest alone, but I could still feel my flesh throbbing around the metal. I felt them start squeezing and pulling on my clit, though, and I let out a pathetic little whimper, since I figured they were going to pierce that next. I was right, too, and I screamed when I felt the needle go through it. I cried and wailed. I heard Stevo laugh and felt his fingers start teasing the rest of my pussy while his friend worked on my clit. I came, of course, and hard. I felt them give my new clit ring a tug, making me cry out, before they seemed satisfied with themselves.
And then they left me there... alone and blind. All my attention was focused on my throbbing private parts. I just ached so bad, and the pain was making my body go nuts with lust, too. I think I eventually passed out. I woke up when I felt Stevo pull the blindfold off me. It took me a minute to get used to the light again, and I saw him, grinning at me. "Have we learned a lesson, slave? Are you going to be a good girl now?" He asked. I nodded, looking down at my body and seeing my swollen nipples and clit, with the little silver rings hanging off all three of them now.
"Okay, but just remember," He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and lit it up, making me cringe. He grabbed one of my nipple rings and held the flame to it, "we can always, ALWAYS punish you harder." I whimpered as I felt the metal start heating up, but he pulled the flame away before it could become too painful. They unstrapped me and led me by my collar to my room, where I just collapsed on my bed.
God, they're so sore... They're still throbbing. And I can't stop fucking playing with them... I don't wanna be punished anymore, but I can't control my panic attacks. It's not like I will them on as some sort of act of defiance or anything! I'm scared of having another one now... maybe Master's right though, if he makes me too scared to have one, they'll stop happening.
Jesus, I've lost my mind. I'm hopeless.
April 13
Jessie and Brian haven't visited again in such a long time... I miss them. I miss them so bad. Is Master stopping them from seeing me? Or do they not want to see me...? I don't want to think that but... I'm scared... I'm so scared...
They keep sending me to see the men, to make sure that I'm knocked up. They really like me, now. Despite the abuse, they make sure to take some time to love me up a little. They snuggle me, tell me how pretty I am. They love playing with my new piercings too. I've actually started enjoying the time I spend with them. With them, I... Well, I do feel pretty... It's a funny feeling I can't really describe all that well. It's a weird sort of happy, hearing them compliment me, fighting over who gets to fuck me. I guess it makes me feel like I'm at least worth SOMETHING.
My human clients, on the other hand, make me feel worthless... It's strange. I can't really explain how they treat me different, if at all. I guess the name-calling is the biggest part. They really like to call me names. Still though, I like making them happy too. There's a part of me that likes giving them what they want... being sexy for them. One client had me dance for him, like a stripper. Of course I was terrible at it, but just trying seemed to satisfy him.
Despite all that, my thoughts have been mostly focused on Jessie... and mostly thinking about how things can never go back to the way they were. I think she and I both know that, even given the best case scenario, I can never be who I was... God, I'll just be a burden on her....
April 17
Jessica came to see me today!
She looked so sad, but she seemed calmer, today. We hugged, she kissed me on the nose. I clung to her and snuggled her up, nuzzling her neck. "I'm so glad to see you!" I told her, clinging to her like my life depended on it. Actually, that's not really far from the truth...
"I'm glad to see you too, Sweety." She said, hugging me right back. She gave me a genuine smile and cuddled me back.
"I love you so much..." I told her, starting to cry. I felt her hug me tighter before she started wiping the tears off my face.
"And I love you too, Zack..." She said, holding back her own tears. I just started sobbing again, and she held me. I felt her gently rubbing my back, "I'm here... it's okay, Love..."
I just cried for a few moments before I started calming down. Jessie helped me up and we sat down on the bed, where it was a little more comfortable. I clung to her the entire time, of course. I eventually worked up the nerve to ask, "You really still love me...?"
"Oh, Zack... of course I do." I saw tears run down her face and she held me close again. "I know it's still you in there, somewhere."
"What's left of me at least..." I choked, curling up a little. She just looked at me, sadly. She knew how... damaged, I was.
"Sweety, Brian and me are gonna get you out of here, okay? And then these... these assholes will never be able to hurt you again." She told me, rubbing my shoulder reassuringly. I couldn't even make eye contact, though. I was too ashamed, I guess. I knew right there that things couldn't be the same. I don't think there was enough of Zack Morris left to make her happy. I wasn't even physically attractive to her anymore, she was always strictly hetero. The way she avoided looking at my chest or crotch verified that...
"I'm still scared though..." I admitted.
"I know... but I promise, we'll get you someplace safe." She told me.
"N-no, not of them..." I corrected her.
She just gave me a concerned look, "What's scaring you then...?"
I was silent for a moment before I started sobbing again, "That you won't love me anymore!" I cried. It all came rushing to me at once and I just clung to her, desperately. I felt like my wave of grief was going to rip me right out of her arms. "What if I never get better!? What if I stay as fucked up as I am now!?" I asked, starting to have another episode, "I can't be your husband anymore! I can't even be your lover... All I have is this... this stupid whore body, now..."
I felt her choke up and squeeze me again, trying to calm herself. "Please, Sweety, don't worry about that..." She said, "I love you, no matter how much Chris has hurt you. Even if we can't be married, or even lovers... I still want to help you. You're my closest friend, Zack."
We locked eyes for a few moments and I nodded, calming down a little. She moved a little and laid me down, so that my head was resting on her lap. She started stroking my hair, trying to calm me down. And probably herself, too. "O-okay..." I choked, feeling a little better about it.
"Things will be different, but it'll be okay... I promise." She said, taking a moment to wipe her eyes and nose. I curled up a little, feeling her combing her fingers through my hair. "I'm willing to at least try to make things work out, you know... romantically..." I looked up at her and she gave me a awkward little smile. It was cute, though. "I can't promise anything, but I'll at least try." She said.
I nodded, "Okay. I... I'll still love you either way." I told her. She bent down and gave me another kiss, on the lips, this time. Oh, I think I almost melted. I kissed her back and smiled. I could feel my tail flick around a little too.
"And I'll love you." She said, stroking my face and my hair. I just laid like that, resting my head on her lap, for a while. I felt her gently run her hand over my collarbone, inspecting my bite wounds. "You poor thing..."
"I'll be alright. They're not bad." I told her, looking at them myself. Immediately my mind flashed to getting gang-raped by all those other slaves. I think I teared up again, and I put a hand over my belly. "B-but... I think I'm... I'm..." I didn't have the heart to finish. I felt her reach down and grab my hand, squeezing it.
"I know... Chris told us." She said. I whimpered and nuzzled her legs a little. "He wants us to pay for the babies too..." I felt sick. That's why he wanted to get me knocked up? To increase my price!? She felt me tense up, and she shushed me, stroking my head and squeezing my hand. "I'll help you with that too, Zack. I promise."
I nodded, but I was still crying again. "I'm scared..."
"It'll be okay. Brian and I will help you through this." She squeezed my hand again.
I let out a big sob, "Thank you..." She just stroked my hair and I curled up in the fetal position, keeping my head resting on her lap. I just laid there for a little while longer. We both heard the knock on the door, and I clung to her tighter. I didn't want her to leave yet.
"It's okay Sweetie. I'll be back, I promise you." She said. I just whimpered in response. "Just try to hang in there for me.
"I'll try..." I told her, sitting up. I hugged her again, just clinging to her a little bit longer. She kissed me on the lips again and gave me a cute smile. I smiled back. We said we loved each other and she started leaving. She turned her head away from me while she left. I've seen her do it before, whenever she was crying and didn't want me to see. It was alright, since, well, I was crying too. I just wanna leave with her, get out of this place. That's what I want more than anything...
April 21
The past few days have been fairly normal... Seeing clients and visiting the boys. I think Master told them to be a little gentler with me, though. They didn't bite into me or claw me up as bad as usual. The reason I'm writing today is that, today, a doctor came to see me. Or rather, they put me in the back of a van and they took me to see a doctor. Well, it was more like a vet, really... I can't remember his name, but he was pretty nice. I liked him.
He went through pretty normal check-up stuff. He took my blood pressure, my heart, and he drew some blood. He said that everything seemed to be alright with me. He had me strip down so he could do a full physical, not that I minded, I normally had to deal with worse. In fact, wearing those slutty clothes made me feel dirtier than wearing nothing at all. He mentioned that he was afraid that my body might reject some of my transplants, but it was doing just fine. But the real reason I was there was to check up on my pregnancy.
He felt around my tummy a little bit, but after that he took me to another room where they hooked me up to what I'm pretty sure was an ultrasound. They laid me on a table and put some things on my belly. I didn't see any screens or anything, but after a few moments a nurse walked in with some pictures. He sat me down and showed me. I'm pregnant, with three fertilized eggs.
I looked up at him, "A-am I going to lay eggs?" I asked. I had no idea how Lizardfolk reproduction worked, after all. Hell, I don't even know my own biology.
"No, of course not. You'll give live birth. You really don't know much about any of this, do you?" He asked me. He sounded like he was addressing a child, though, at this point, that's not really far from the case... "Unless something happens, you should have the babies in thirteen to fifteen months from now."
"Over a year!?" I asked, flabbergasted. I felt my heart sink.
"Yes. Humans normally have about 9 months, but your gestation period, like your lifespan, is somewhat longer than that of humans."
He seemed to understand that I was feeling bad about the whole thing, because he tried to cheer me up, "From the looks of things, your babies are developing just fine. You shouldn't have any problem carrying them to term. Is there anything else you wanted to ask, Zorah?"
I dried my eyes and gulped down the lump in my throat. I asked him if there was anything else I should know about, and he gave me a list of things that I remember from sex ed in high school. Morning sickness, soreness, stuff like that. He mentioned that the nipple rings were probably a bad idea, since when I start lactating they're gonna be VERY sore, but I doubt Master had thought of that. Or maybe he did, and that was the point.
He left for a while, probably to talk to Ivan about my check-up. When Ivan came back in, he got me dressed and then back in the van. I stayed quiet the whole time. I was still coming to terms with the reality of having... having children inside of me... When we got inside I got stripped down again. They gave me the night off, just sending me to my room to do what I want.
I don't know how to feel anymore... ashamed is the only feeling that comes to mind. I have no idea how to deal with all this. I don't know the first thing about being a woman, let alone a mother. Jessie said she'd help me with this... I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't for her.
April 22
They took me to the dungeon today. I waited for a while, on my knees, until eventually Master showed up. I lowered my head and he pet me, going through the shoe-licking ritual really quick before he started talking to me. "My precious little Zorah girl is going to be a mother of three!" He said, reaching down to pet my head. I nodded, weakly. "How's my little slut feel about being a mommy?"
"Scared..." I said, honestly. "I'm scared, Master..."
He smiled at me, chuckling a little, "I bet you are. I bet there's a lot about this that scares you. Like your friends being able to afford the triplets along with you. I'm not sure they can come up with that kind of money."
I looked up at him, horrified, but I quickly averted my gaze and just started crying to myself. "I bet you're scared of what kind of piss-poor mother a former man, now turned into a stupid, drooling slut would make?" I started crying harder. "I bet you're also scared of the day when they ask you, 'Mommy? Who's our daddy?' aren't you? Because now nobody knows the answer to that." I started bawling. "It's funny. The way ovulation works for you Scalies, your eggs aren't released all at once. They're fertilized over the course of a few hours, or even days. So all your children might actually have different dads. You've had so many lizard cocks in you, I doubt any of them are true siblings."
By that point I was crying too hard to even look at him. He paused a moment before he knelt down and stroked my face. "Hush now. They'll understand, I'm sure. Because what is mommy?"
I paused a moment and he slapped my face, gently. "A whore..." I choked.
He nodded, "That's right. And you can't help that, can you? In fact, this is a big step up. Instead of a useless fuck-hole, you're participating in making life. Isn't that wonderful?"
"Uhuh..." I nodded. I felt like my brain was going numb again.
"In fact, we want to reward all the potential fathers for doing such a good job of impregnating you." I looked up at him, feeling my heart sink. He called out to the hall, and on queue, Stevo walked in followed by most of the boys... Most of them looked pretty satisfied.
Master grabbed my hair and made me look up at them. "Thank them for putting babies in your whore belly." He ordered.
I obeyed, "Th-thank you for putting... babies in my whore belly..." I told them. He smiled and pet me on the head.
"Be careful with her now, boys. She's carrying." Just like that, the humans left the room, and the other slaves wasted no time in grabbing me and forcing themselves on me. I submitted immediately, despite my bawling, and started pleasuring them. We fucked for hours, filling me up with cum yet again. This time... this time felt different, though. It wasn't to knock me up, it was just to assert their dominance over me, and prove the point that I was their cum dumpster. Their little sex toy. I barely remember what all happened, until I woke up here, in bed, still slimy and sticky from sex.
I feel like another part of me died... just another failure and heap of shame added to the pile... It's just knowing that, in the end, I'm just a worthless cunt, now. I can't even hope to be a decent mother anymore. What kind of mother can't even tell their child who fathered them? What kind of mother can a person creature SLUT like me be? How much more of a burden could I POSSIBLY be to my friends, if they can even get me out of here...?