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Pronunciations:

Raahk (rock) Lessan (les an') Raajin (rah zhin') Derrun (da' ren -- like Darren) -- Derrun is a derivative of the endo european root word meaning trust or honesty.

Chapter 5 Persistance of Vision

Moving north, away from my home, had brought a host of new experiences for me. There were things in the Raakh world I could never have anticipated.

For example, the Raakh lived in things called buildings. They were tall, square structures with at least four walls. The Raakh explained to me why they lived in these houses. There were issues of privacy, ownership, and protection from the elements.

These struck me as such bizarre concepts. In the Kel forests everything was in the open. If there was a need for privacy, and there rarely was, we could simply hide in the leaves of the trees, or go somewhere unoccupied. Of course, being sheltered by the trees, we hadn't needed protection from the elements, either. We were safe wherever we went.

After the long, seemingly endless trip north, when I was first introduced to my new house, the cottage they had given me to live in, I couldn't hold back a giggle.

"What is *that*?" I had asked them. "That's the strangest tree I've ever seen!"

They hadn't thought it was very funny, but they gently explained to me that it wasn't a tree at all. They brought me in through the front door, and it took my breath away.

I had never seen the interior of anything in my life. Sure, sometimes trees were hollowed out, and one could look into them, but this was so much larger! I guessed it was about thirty foot-lengths across, and forty wide.

And then there was the furniture. They showed me the bed, the couch, the table and chairs, the lamps, and finally the fireplace. The latter fascinated me more than the others.

Yes, the first week had been quite interesting. It had taken some getting used to. At first being inside of the house was a bit suffocating, and I needed to walk outside on occasion. Gradually I got used to it.

I remembered all of these things as I lay on my black leather sofa. The Raakh told me it was very valuable, and to be careful with it. I understood why-- the smooth fabric felt deliciously smooth. Still, it was the strangest cloth I'd ever felt. I wondered what sort of plant it grew from.

Even with my eyes closed I could feel the bright, harsh sunlight pouring over my face through the window. It was late morning. I opened my eyes, squinted, and rubbed my face.

The beaming sun was still a wonder to me. Through my entire life in the Kel forests I had lived under the great canopy of the thick leaves, and only tiny spots of unfiltered sunlight fell through onto the grassy ground. I used to watch the little light forms dance and touch one another, wondering where they came from.

Smiling blissfully, I stretched out my arms and sat up. Every night I slept on the large black couch. There was a bed in the corner, but it wasn't as smooth, and it didn't smell as nice.

With the memories of my arrival still lingering in my mind, I looked around at the home the Raakh had given me. It had only been six months or so, but I loved the place. There was a soft gray mat that covered the whole floor. It was soft and felt unusual under the pads of my feet-- sort of like walking on someone's furry back. The walls were wooden, and they looked like the trunks of many trees laid horizontally on top of one another.

On the opposite wall there was the stone fireplace. It was large and beautiful, the thing I was most proud of in the entire house. Even though it was warm outside, I had filled it with dried branches and twigs and lit it many times, staring, fascinated, at the flames. Fire was also new to me.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I quickly stood up, my eyes scanning for my cloth tunic. It was in a brown puddle in the middle of the floor. When no one was around, I felt most comfortable naked. However, not everyone felt this way.

I pulled on my clothes and stumbled to the door. When I was sufficiently decent, I turned the knob, and pulled it open.

Sunlight burst in immediately, and I squinted again.

"Lessan!" came a warm, friendly voice.

I opened my eyes and recognized the figure in the doorway. My heart leapt.

"Derrun!" I cried, smiling. Derrun was one of the Kel who had moved north with me. He had been my very best friend since childhood. His name meant, 'truth'. A surge of happiness rushed through me. We hadn't see one another for over a week, and for us that was a very long time.

He was my height, and his figure was just as slim. His eyes, however, were blue, and his fur was a sandy, fading to white at his forearms and at the tips of his feet. He was the most gentle, caring man I'd ever met.

We threw our arms around one another and hugged blissfully. His warm, slender body felt very comfortable and familiar in my arms. Squeezing tight, I patted him on the back before we slid back to look at each other.

"How have you been?" he asked me, curiosity sparkling in his youthful eyes. Derrun was less than a year older than me, and yet his eyes sometimes caught shadows of wisdom that made him look much older. Today, however, he was his playful, innocent self.

"I'm so happy here," I exclaimed. I took his hand in mine, and pulled him toward the couch. He quickly shut the door behind him with his foot.

"Come on," I urged him. "Let's got sit and talk for a while."

Hand in hand we walked over the couch and sat down, facing one another. My people are very friendly and affectionate. Unlike the Raakh, who prefer to keep some distance when they converse, we often touch and caress one another casually as we speak. The closer the friendship, the more frequent the touch, generally.

Also unlike the Raakh culture, our touching isn't sexual. I found it amusing that they so often associate physical contact with sex. They didn't touch casually very much, and men never seemed to at all. It was some sort of taboo to them.

A memory of the night before flashed through my mind. Of Raajin and I, and our walk through the forest. He -had- touched me casually, but there had been a feeling of subtle eroticism to it. If they all had such an effect on one another, than I could understand why they kept their distance in public.

As for Derrun and I, it was completely platonic. We never discussed sexuality very much, but he gave me clues that he wasn't attracted to males at all. In my youth I had experimented with my body a little. A few of my male friends who were coming of age found that certain ways of touching felt very, very good. It was like a game, an innocent exploration. I joined them a few times and realized that I was attracted to the male physique.

I had told Derrun everything, hoping I might be able to share this wonderful secret with him, but when I brought up the subject of physical attraction he became quiet and distant.

And, of course, I had never seen him romantically involved with a man. With anyone at all, for that matter.

Of course I was only a boy then, and boys do experiment. As I grew up I realized that intimate touching was never meant to be a silly game, and I stopped, saving myself for the one with whom I would someday mate for life.

We were the dearest of friends and shared our lives almost completely, in love and pain, but for us, touching was a simple way of expressing closeness, not an overture to passion.

As I sat down with him, all these memories flooding through my mind, I smiled. "I've been spending more time than ever at the library," I told him. "I never expected to read so much in my life!"

He grinned and pulled his hand from mine, running his fingertips along my palm, tickling.

"I have been reading, too," he said. "There is still so much about their culture we have to learn." He paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. "It seems like the more I read, the less I know. Have you ever felt that way?"

I chuckled. "That doesn't make any sense."

He shrugged, and I saw a familiar glint in his eyes. The corners of his fuzzy mouth twitched in a quiet smile. One of the things I admired most about him was his thoughtfulness and wisdom. He could grasp concepts that eluded me. Knowledge seemed to be like a companion to him. Whenever knowledge touched him with something new, I saw that same familiar understanding pass over his face. It was like surprise and gratitude.

"That depends on how you look at it, I guess," he said.

I found myself caught up in his face, the high cheek bones, the slender muzzle and the proud, loving eyes that were slightly longer and thinner than mine. We didn't say anything more for a few moments; we communicated with touch.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and started to gently massage him. A soft, silky purr radiated from his chest, and he rested his hands on my thighs. It all felt perfectly natural for us-- we'd been doing it since we were little kits. Sometimes we would curl up together to share our warmth on cool nights, or simply for comfort.

My hands followed the contour of his neck up to his jaw, and I cupped his face in my hands, fingers sliding back into the downy, wild carpet of brown hair that lay close to his head.

'I love you,' my hands told him silently.

His eyes nearly closed, and his lips stretched into a broad smile. 'I love you, too,' his gaze expressed.

And then the memory came back to me, as thick and as bright as the sunlight which poured in through the window.

* * *

The air around me was filled with laughter and talking and shouting, mixed with intermittent splashes of water. The grass was green, rippling a little from the light breeze. I stood next to the big stream, looking at all of my friends playing and swimming. The stream was completely clear, and beneath was the sandy ground, covered in pebbles. The water wasn't very deep-- only waist height, and rarely up to my chest. It rushed along with a steady bubbly roar.

I could smell the water and the wet grass. It was a fresh scent that awakened my senses and made me feel very alive. I was a boy, still looking up at the adults around me.

Suddenly a hand clapped my back and a figure rushed by me.

"Hey slowfoot, you can't catch me!" Derrun cried, grinning as he ran away.

I grinned, too. No one ever called me slowfoot unless he wanted a chase. I took off immediately, feet pounding the grass as I wove between people-- some tall, some short, male and female, some thin, and some chubby. They were of all colors, as well-- red, tan, white, black, spotted, mottled, and solid. A young woman stepped in front of me and my shoulder banged into her. I heard her call out, not without humor, "Chasing him again, Lessan? Don't trip and hurt yourself!"

Derrun's slim, agile figure tore off down a path away from the stream, into a thickly wooded area where the tree branches were low and crossed one another like laced fingers. I watched him hop over a low one, then duck and move to the right, disappearing into the foliage.

I followed, taking some caution not to hurt myself, as Malla had warned. No one was around here. It was midday, and very few people wandered the thick paths until evening when they wanted their privacy.

The grass was worn away from the flat dirt path that wound around trees and between bushes. It was shady and quiet. The only sound I heard was the pounding of my footpads on the ground and the dry sound of my heavy breathing.

"Gotcha!" Derrun shouted from behind me. A pair of arms slid around my waist, and I cried out, startled.

I whirled around in his arms and faced him, my heart pounding adrenaline through my body, making everything look so much closer, and making sounds louder and clearer.

"I'm not a slowfoot," I said, half-smiling. "You cheated."

He grinned and his crystal blue eyes sparkled. "You're not a slowfoot, and I didn't cheat," he said. "I just wanted to get you alone for a while."

I slid my arms around his neck and smiled. "What for?"

"I don't know," he said. "But I like playing with you. You're neat."

I swell of pride rose from within me. "Thanks! You're neat, too."

Derrun, my friend for almost as many years as I'd been alive, rubbed my back, and I rested my hands on his face, sliding my fingers back into his hair.

"What do you want to play?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Wanna climb some trees? I'll bet I can get higher than you can," he challenged casually.

I grinned. Climbing was my specialty. "We'll see," I told him.

We ended up climbing a lot that day, and as it got darker we laid down in the grass together, cuddling and talking about our wishes and dreams. I remembered thinking that no one ever cuddled with me like Derrun did. He was my very best friend in the whole world.

When I touched his face, and my fingers found his hair, I remembered thinking about how soft it was, and how a part of me wanted to bury my fingers deep in its thick softness and gently pull him close to me.

* * *

I felt the same way, sitting on the couch in my cottage, hundreds of miles north and many years later.

Then he tickled my stomach and we both giggled, breaking me from my daydream. My legs were crossed as I sat down, and he squeezed my calf lightly. "You're very happy today, aren't you?" he asked. "Is it all because of your reading, or is there something else?"

He knew me so very well! I couldn't help but smile. "It *is* something else," I told him. "I... I met someone very amazing last night. He's one of the Raakh, a member of this group of warriors called the Dark Claw."

His smile faded a bit, but it didn't disappear. "Really? What's he like?" he asked me softly.

"Oh Derrun! You should have seen his eyes! It's like they stare right into my soul. He's gorgeous-- all fur and muscles, about a head taller than me. Last night he took me to this beautiful lake, and... and I think he might like me. His name is Raajin," I said all in one breath. The words came out very quickly as excitement bubbled up from the well of memory.

Derrun wasn't smiling anymore. "Well, I'm very glad for you," he said quietly. He withdrew his hands from me and smiled again. His smile didn't touch his eyes, though. It looked artificial, and it held no warmth.

I had to remind myself that he wasn't attracted to men. My enthusiasm was probably making him uncomfortable. For all of our affectionate touch and all the warmth and love we shared, it all came down to the same thing: don't talk to Derrun about attraction to men.

Among my people, being attraction to both sexes is the norm. We are not primarily sexually driven, so when we settle down with one person, gender is usually irrelevant, as long as there's love. Occasionally though, someone prefers one sex over the other, for whatever reason, just as he might like the color blue more than green.

I until I moved north, I had never thought too much about my sexuality, outside of the games of my childhood. Raajin, however, had sparked wild flames within me.

Derrun, on the other hand, must have preferred women.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I know you don't like it when I talk about... well, those things."

He shook his head. "Thank you, but that's not what's bothering me. I just..." he paused and sighed. His eyes were almost pleading.

"I don't want to see you get hurt. You know that the Raakh are very different from us. They don't understand our form of singular love. I've... I've read about the Dark Claw. I don't think they're bad people, but it could cause you too much pain."

I nodded. "I understand your concern, but it's okay. Raajin won't hurt me. I think he's more of a protector, and I think he's starting to care for me."

A delicious idea sprung forth from my heart. He might care for me, and if he did, perhaps I could teach him how the Kel bond with one another. He had told me he wanted to know all about us. Perhaps I might share real love with Raajin someday.

Derrun looked even more concerned, as if he sensed my thoughts. He rested the smooth, furless palm of his hand against my cheek. "My dear friend, please be careful. Your happiness is important to me, but I really don't want to see you hurt."

He tilted his head and gazed intensely into my eyes. "You know I love you, right?" he whispered.

I smiled, and a little shiver rushed through me, as it always did when he was so tender. He truly cared for me, as I did for him. I nuzzled his hand, and slid my arms around his neck. We were close, almost at kissing distance, and I said, "I know, and I love you, too.

"It's such a shame you don't like males, or you'd have been mine a long time ago," I added playfully.

He sighed quietly and scritched between my ears. His smile returned. It was thin and delicate like a dried leaf, but it was sincere. He glanced around my cottage.

"So," he said. "It looks like you've redecorated."

Our conversation drifted them, and I told him how I'd changed around the furniture-- how I'd finally gotten used to having furniture in the first place! We talked about home and how much we missed our friends sometimes. As usual, we hugged several times during the afternoon, and I don't think he ever let go of my hand, except when we got lunch.

He left several hours later after we had both eaten. I promised him I would come to see his home again soon.

We stood at my front door before he went away. He took my hand gently and gazed into my eyes. "If you ever need me for anything, come to me. You know I can't give you the world, but if you asked for it... I'd try," he said softly.

I stood silently for a moment, struck by the weight of his statement. "I..." ...was speechless.

He smiled quietly, and I saw sad tenderness in his eyes. "Have a good day, Lessan. I'll think about you."

"You too, Derrun," I said softly. He patted my shoulder and walked off.

I closed my door and sighed softly, trying to decide where that sudden melancholy reflection in his gaze had come from. I cared so deeply for him, and I didn't want him to hurt.

When we first moved north together, we had talked about living in the same house. The idea had been deliciously promising. However, when we asked the Raakh ambassadors about this, they denied our request. For some reason they wanted us to be separate. Fortunately we lived just a short walk from one another, so we didn't argue.

We used to visit one another every day. We went everywhere together. It was like we shared the world. Gradually though, we began to get involved in our studies, and with all the reading and learning, there wasn't as much time for play.

Then it occurred to me. Derrun was upset because we were growing apart. When I mentioned Raajin, he must have assumed that was the cause. His sudden withdrawal when I mentioned Raajin's name must have been fear or envy, because we weren't spending as much time together.

I promised myself that I would see Derrun more often. I was not about to neglect him, not my lifetime friend who just told me he would try to give me the world.

I turned around and leaned against the wooden door, when my eyes gazed upon the knife Raajin had given me. It hung on the wall next to the fireplace. Why had he given it to me? I thought about it, wondering, and my mind drifted from Derrun just as he walked from my house.

Thoughts of Raajin tugged at me gently, alluring and seductive. There would always be time to think about Derrun, I told myself. Raajin was rare, and he might not always be around. So I closed my eyes and remembered, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth.

* * *