FSE

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A few weeks went by. Summer was quickly approaching, and the heat was already rising. Around here it gets too hot to be outside much once summer has really started. In anticipation of that loss, everyone was spending every minute out that they still could. We had a spot in the park, our favorite one, that we would spend hours at after school and on weekends. It didn't matter that there was nothing to do. Just being young was enough, listening to the music blasting out of Sam's phone and waiting for something, anything to happen.

Today I was wearing cargo shorts and a shitty band t-shirt, more of the same that I'd been wearing that week. I didn't mind that I hadn't worn anything different, at least not then. Sometimes it just faded to the back of everything. Sometimes I didn't give a fuck. It was strange, really strange, how those things felt sometimes.

"You seem good," Darren said to me. We were at our spot, but Sam wasn't there today. I was sitting on the bench of a worn, wooden park table, while he was sitting at the other end up on the table itself. The way the cheetah looked at me sideways like that, it almost felt like it meant something.

I gave him that famous noncommittal shrug of mine, though it came with a smile. "It's just another Tuesday. I'm whatever."

This park in this town is huge, and nice too. Even when it was crowded there were always places you could find some space. Our spot was on the far side, close to the edge of the park where it backed up against the fence of a housing development. One table, in the shade of a few trees, away from all the others. We were damn lucky bastards.

"I mean it, though. You look good. You look... pretty happy. What's your secret?"

I wasn't quite sure what he was really asking, but he seemed serious about it. I stared into his eyes. "I'll never tell," I said. We kept the serious faces on as long as we could before laughing.

"You're cute when you're evasive," he teased. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Why are you being so weird today?"

The cheetah hopped down onto the bench, sliding down next to me, straddling the plank. "You're hot."

"Tell me something I don't know."

Then he kissed me, quick and little rough. "Stop fucking around. You don't have anything to hide from me." The way he said it was so... solid. It was more than just confident; it was as much a command as it was a statement. I blushed and looked down. All of a sudden I felt embarrassed for the sarcastic brat that I had become.

"I guess its..." I started, forcing the words out before they flew away. "Dressing like a guy sometimes doesn't feel the same as being a guy. I'm kinda... having fun making it a game, pretending that this way of dressing is the 'cross-dressing," or whatever. Like, maybe I'm a girl just fooling everyone dressing like another punk boy, like this is the pretending. Does that even make sense?" I asked, pulling my legs up.

Darren looked at me, and I could tell by his expression that he was making himself see me in a different way, in a way like what I had said. He leaned in and kissed me again, longer this time, and softer. "Yeah, it does," he said, and I actually believed him. He grinned, and I felt his paw groping my ass from behind.

If I had been in a pissy mood, which to be fair, was most of the time lately, I would have pointed out that he still only started anything with me when I was dressed in guys clothes, and that this wouldn't be happening otherwise. Today that seemed like a waste of a perfectly good opportunity. "You want to go to my house and cool down?" 'Cool down' was Darren code for stripping out of all our clothes. Couldn't say no to that.

Darren was functionally an only child. His half-brother was almost ten years older and had long since gone to college. Both his parents worked, and they wouldn't be home for an hour and a half still. Since their house was a convenient 15-minute walk away from that spot in the park, that meant that we had the place to ourselves for about 75 minutes. One we were inside and our backpacks were ditched by the door, he grabbed us both some water. His room was small, not much more than a desk, a closet, a dresser, and a twin-sized bed.

It was plenty, since we really only needed the bed. I moaned as his biting kisses worked down my neck. He was lying on top of me, shirt already off, and soon he was pulling mine off too. I was already more than a little hard, and with his crotch grinding against mine I could feel that he was too. Next my belt was gone, falling to the floor as his paws worked to unbutton, unzip my shorts. His fingers hooked into the waistband of my shorts and briefs both, pulling them down slow and smooth until I could kick them off the bed as well.

The cheetah moved up, kneeling with his legs straddling my chest so I was face to face with the front of his own shorts. It didn't take long for me to work them open and pull his hard cock free. My tongue swiped a bead of precum off the head of his member, and his hips moved forward to push into my waiting mouth. One of my favorite things in the world was the groan he made as my muzzle closed around his length. I knew how to draw out whimpers and moans with each movement of my tongue. When he pulled back, his cock was nice and wet. He moved down between my legs again, pressing his arousal to my own. We were almost the same size, though his was just a little shorter and just a little thicker. Darren gripped us both with one paw, squeezing our dicks together as he thrust his hips.

Anatomy is weird. I woke up every day with the same body that I had always lived with, and yet it was always a coin flip how I would feel about it. At best, it was a comfortable glove, practical and familiar and predictable. Other days it was an foreign object, a stranger that I had been shoved into by mistake, and felt awkward and unknowable. The same went for the parts between my legs. I didn't think if I would ever change things down there, even if I felt like hormones and surgery were real options, which I didn't at the time. Even when it felt wrong, it still felt like mine, and I was comfortable knowing what it could do for me. Touch it, stroke it, suck it like this and I could lose myself in the pleasure. Well, most of the time. This time.

A few thrust later and we were both panting and moaning with need. His hot, hard cock slide against mine, back and forth until the heat rose up my spine. It was always fun to see which one of us came first, though it was usually me, regardless of who was on top. This time it was Darren. I kissed him and bit his lip gently as he groaned and finished himself, shooting his hot load all over my member. He collapsed next to me on the bed, and with my paws on his chest I could feel it rise and fall as he caught his breath. His eyes looked right into mine.

"I can keep going. You want a paw? Or maybe I can clean that up with my tongue..." The feline smiled and licked his lips.

"I want to fuck you," I said, making his eyes lit up. My answer had surprised us both. He fucked me all the time, but I had only topped him a few times. I didn't usually feel dominant enough to want it, and I loved the feeling of his muzzle on my cock anyway. It felt like a challenge. I wanted to push at this weird feeling and see how far I could take it. So here I was, Jamie the girl, pretending to a boy in this borrowed body, ready to fuck another guy like he was mine to claim. Yeah, fuck yeah.

"You sure?" he said. We both know why he was asking. I nodded in response, and he gave a nod back. "Alright, fox. This cat is all yours." Darren rolled over onto his stomach, raising his tail and rump in an open invitation.

I moved behind him and grabbed his ass with both paws, groping each cheek. I raised on and brought it back down with a smack. He looked back at me and smiled, growling playfully, and I did it again, harder, and then again, until he let out a small whimper and I knew I had him where I wanted. I grabbed his tail, keeping it pulled up, and spread his ass with the other paw, leaning in to run my tongue over his exposed tailhole. This time I got a moan in response, encouraging me to keep going, lapping over his entrance and circling my tongue around it, teasing him. The paw around his tail moved down between his legs, grabbing his balls and pulling on them a bit. Thanks to youthful vitality, he was already growing hard again.

There was bound to be a bottle of lube in his bedside drawer, but we didn't need that. I wiped up some of his cum from my groin, smearing the still warm seed under his tail. My wet fingers pushed at his tailhole until they slid in, slow and careful.

Darren gasped and gripped the pillow. "Oh fuck..."

"You okay? I can go slow."

He shook his head, pushing back against my fingers. "No, just keep going. I just played with one of my toys last night."

The cheetah was lucky enough to have a small collection of sex toys, including a couple dildos. I didn't know whether he had been playing with the small one or the big one, but I believed him when he said he could take it. My fingers thrust in and out of his ass harder. When I curled them to find his prostate, stroking it nice and hard, he moaned again, precum leaking from his cock down onto the bed. Finally I pulled them out, spreading his ass and rubbing my cum-covered length between his cheeks.

"You want it?" I asked, rubbing the head of my cock against his tailhole to tease him more.

"Fuck yes!" he answered, without hesitation. He was panting again, and so was I.

Honestly, I had totally forgotten what it felt like. It was easy to be be more than satisfied with the blowjobs I got from him. He was experienced and enthusiastic, and if I wanted to I could fuck his muzzle without even holding back that much. Still, there was nothing else like the feeling of sinking into him, feeling his smooth, hot tailhole around my length.

"Ohhh! Damn," I gasped. I kept pushing in until my groin was flush with his ass and every inch of me was buried in him. My hands gripped his hips tight. "Holy fuck... I forgot how fucking awesome you feel. Why don't I do this more?"

"Cuz you're a slut for my cock," he answered. "You're always begging for it."

I knew he was trying to egg me on, and I'd be damned if I wasn't gonna play along and give him what we both wanted. I pulled out almost all the way and then slammed back in, stealing another whimpering moan from him. "Well you're my bitch now, kitty cat, so its your turn to beg. Let's hear it."

"F-Fuck, Jamie... Please, more! Fuck me harder!"

"Good boy!" Another smack on the ass, and I started fucking him in earnest, nothing but his own cum as lube as my cock thrust into him again and again.

Darren was by no means a submissive guy. He didn't let anyone boss him around, and even if he wasn't the biggest guy, nobody at school would ever think to fuck with him. But here, now, I had the cheetah mewling beneath me, pawing himself off as I took him fast and rough. I held onto his ass and pulled him back to meet every one of my thrusts until my balls were smacking against his. Eventually I leaned over him, dragging my dull claws down his sides and kissing his neck.I lost myself in that primal desire, the whole world reduced down to my need to fuck him and spill my seed inside him.

"Fuck, Darren... I'm getting close..." I grunted between moans, not relenting a bit as I kept pounding his ass. In that moment we both knew his body was mine to use, and I used it for my own pleasure only, though admittedly his own moans were music to my ears.

"C'mon foxy, give it to me!" he groaned. "Fill me up with your cum..." His paw was working along his hard member desperately.

I growled, biting down on the back of his neck as I fucked him as hard and as fast as I could, riding every second of that climb to the edge, the final descent before losing it. It was a good thing his parents were still gone when we came; as it was, the neighbors probably heard us if they were home. Wave after wave of ecstasy rolled through my body as I came, my cock throbbing inside him. A few seconds after, he moaned aloud as he got himself off for the second time that afternoon, spilling his seed on the sheets beneath him.

Hopefully you know what those moments are like; there's that fleeting eternity, the white hot pleasure that burns so bright you lose time, you lose your very self, as it hangs in the air like a held breath. Then you exhale, and you can't tell how long it takes as the fire slowly fades, cooled by every panting breath. I pulled him close, lying down so we were both on our sides. I was still inside him, gently sliding out once I could bear it.

"Darren, I..." It was quiet, almost a whisper. The unspoken words were painful, hanging in the air between us.

"I know. You don't have to say it," he said. He sounded content, and that was enough.

For a while we just stayed there like that, trying to make the moment last. But his parents would be on their way home now, so eventually we had to move and clean up before they got there. He got the first shot at the shower, it was only fair. By the time it was my turn, my head was swimming, an ocean of thoughts and feelings in swirling layers. Satisfaction. Desire. Confusion. Frustration. How could something so good still leave a bitter taste in my mouth?

I texted Andrea for a ride, and by the time I was dry and clothed again she was already there. Darren was back to his normal self, tall and proud with that smug smile on his face. He leaned down a little to kiss me at the door. "I'll talk to you later. Seeya."

I said my goodbye and threw my backpack over my shoulder, walking out the door and feeling a little guilty for the relief that followed. My sister was waiting in our mom's car, twirling a finger in the brunette locks that fell down to her shoulders. I let out an audible sigh as I got in.

"Thanks," I said, before anything else.

"'Course," she replied, smiling. She took a small sniff. "Did you take a shower?"

"Yes." There was no point in lying, it was obvious when my hair was still a little damp and I smelled like soap we didn't buy at home.

"So... you're still fooling around with Darren?"

"Yup."

She looked at me for a moment. I could tell she was annoyed. I just kept staring straight ahead, so she pulled away and headed towards home. "If you could let me know when you're planning to actually talk to me again, that would be great. I'll have to make sure and clear my fucking schedule for it."

Andrea never said stuff like that, at least not to me. I was the sarcastic and vague one. She was grounded, nice, and direct. Hearing something like that coming from her was like a slap to the face. It let me know loud and clear that I had fucked up, bad. I wished she understood why I couldn't talk to her, but of course she wouldn't understand anyway. I could tell her anything. As far as she was concerned, that was her job. If I had stopped, it was my own damn fault. Shitty thing was, I knew it was true. But fear isn't logical, and anxiety doesn't have to justify itself. When your life is ruled by them it honestly feels like there isn't a fucking choice.

Things were quiet the rest of the way home. When we pulled into the driveway, I expected Drea to sit there a moment and say something else, but again I had underestimated just how successful my attempts to push her away had been. Instead she got out immediately, already inside by the time I had unbuckled and opened the door. Dad was staying late at work tonight, and dinner was a free-for-all. I decided to wait until later to eat, heading up to my room and putting on music to fill the silence.

A mountain of homework had collected while I wasted the days away lost in my head. Now it was almost too daunting to attempt to tackle it, but I figured trying would give me a good distraction from everything else. Sam texted me while I worked on English homework, trying to get through the book I was supposed to be half done with by now. Every couple pages I put the book down and let myself respond. How's that for productivity?

Sam: Hey. You said you wanted something to do this summer right?

I had, in fact. I knew that if I didn't figure something out I would go crazy sitting here at home. School sucked, but at least it gave me a place to dress how I wanted. Without that outlet, I needed something to fill my time up so I didn't think about it every second I was stuck here.

Jamie: Yeah.Why?

Sam: I got an idea. And you got a job.

_ Jamie: _ What? What are you talking about?

_ Sam: _ At the store, duh. Mostly stocking and cleaning, shit like that. You want it? It's basically free money.

_ Jamie: _ No shit?

I set the book aside, the news having grabbed my full attention. As silly as it seems, it was easy to forget that the bookstore in the shopping center not far from here was one of the ones in her parent's chain. It was in biking distance, too.

Jamie: Hell yeah I'm in. What do I have to to?

Sam: Show up Saturday for an 'interview.' You already have it trust me. just a formality

Sam: You don't have to actually start til schools out tho

Jamie: Yeah sure. Awesome! You're the best ;)

Sam: you know it.

My spirits were higher after that, and while I felt some nervous anxiety building as I got closer to the interview, it was a hell of lot better than the depression I was used to. To my credit, I didn't start avoiding Darren again after we fucked on Tuesday. Things between us seemed fine, actually. He seemed happy to see me excited about something. It was the first time in a long while that I wasn't just caught up in all this gender shit. School got a little better too. I slowly worked my way down the pile of homework that I had accumulated, and I figured that I could slide through finals like I always did.

On the Thursday of that week, I got another surprise. I was stuffing my stuff in my backpack at the end of Geometry when I saw Kyle approaching from the corner of my eye. For a second I started to panic, but when I turned to face him his expression was one of nervousness, not aggression.

"Hey, Jamie."

I stared at him, blinking, confused. "Hey. What's up?" It was all I could think to say. He looked around as other students left. Mrs. Farrell, our teacher, gave us a curious look, but the kindly raccoon left us alone.

"I just, uh... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." Kyle rubbed his arm, only looking up at me every once in a while. I just kept staring at him. "I'm not usually such an asshole. It won't happen again, I swear."

"Did your brother put you up to this?" It had been weeks since the incident, and I couldn't imagine why he would be doing this now. I figured he wouldn't even want to be caught talking to me.

"Brandon? Yeah, kind of," he said, sounding unsure. "Well, no, actually. I know it's kinda late, but I do mean it."

"Yeah okay, whatever" I said quickly, wanting this conversation to be over even more than he did. Almost everyone was gone now, and a few people from the next class were coming in. I lowered my voice, trying to be as quiet as I could. "Look, I get it. You're a freshman. High school sucks, and I'm an easy target. Just forget it ever happened, and don't feel like you have to be all nice to me or anything."

If anything, that made things worse. I could see that he was unhappy with my response. One of the strangest things about people is that most of the time, they don't actually like it when you interrupt their guilt. They get attached to it, needing that self-punishment to absolve them of the insecurities that making mistakes or being a dick gives you. That's what was happening to Kyle right now, I figured. Left unresolved, it had festered until he couldn't take it anymore. Now he needed to make things better somehow so he could sleep easy at night, knowing he was a good person. It's funny, really.

At the same time, I realized that I hadn't gotten over it either. Every shitty thing that happens like what he did, those things stay with me. Kids are fucking mean, I got that. There were a lot of things I could let go of. Getting targeted for being different... it was, well, different. It's hard to believe that there's nothing wrong with you when so many people keep telling you otherwise, whether they say it with words, actions, or both. Yeah, I was bitter. Why shouldn't I be? I wanted to deny him the satisfaction that would result if I truly accepted his apology. Too bad he was pretty determined.

"Hey wait," he said, putting a hand on my arm as I turned to leave. I flinched away from him so hard that he flinched back. "S-Sorry. Um, I noticed you had some trouble with the homework from this week. Math is kind of my thing. Maybe I can help you with that... some time..."

The way he said it, he knew it was a stretch. Honestly, Geometry was the only class I was really having a hard time in. Math has never been easy for me, and since I had been so distracted this year, my grade in the class had suffered. A lot. Right now I was at the point where the final would make all the difference. If I bombed it, I would fail the class. If I did well, I could pull off a C- and be free of Geometry for the rest of my life.

"I'll think about it," I said.

"Like, actually? Or are you just saying that?" he asked. This time there was no way for me to avoid rolling my eyes. "Sorry, I just want to know..."

"I said I'll think about it, alright? I'll let you know. I need to get to class now."

He looked about as satisfied as he was going to get, and I wondered again why I was putting up with this. He mumbled something that I didn't pay attention to and hurried away.

"You're looking at this all wrong," Sam told me later during lunch. "Whether his brother is making him do it or not, which he probably is, clearly he wants to make it up to you. So, instead of being annoyed by it, just milk it for everything you can."

"What? You're crazy. What could he possibly give me?"

She shrugged, picking at her cafeteria food, which jiggled in a disconcerting manner. "I don't know, be creative. Get him to carry shit for you. Or do your homework. Or buy your lunches of something. Push his buttons, rub it in how awful he made you feel, and who knows what his guilt will get him to do."

Darren laughed. "Wow, that sounds like a bad movie. Not even a movie, an episode of some kids show. Besides, Jamie would still have to spend time around that dumbass, which obviously he doesn't want to do."

"Well, my backpack is really heavy..." I looked at Sam, and we both smirked.

"You are both awful people," Darren sighed.

"Oh shut it, I was kidding."

We both looked at Sam. "What? I was... also kidding. Mostly."

Kyle didn't bother me at all on Friday, which was good considering I was spending the whole time mentally preparing myself for the interview on Saturday. I knew that Sam said I would get it anyway, and I figured it was true, but I still wanted to make a good impression. On Saturday I dressed as nice as I could without looking like I was riding a bike to business meeting. I got to the store around 1:45, fifteen minutes before the time Sam had told me.

It was a slow day for a Saturday. I had no idea where to go or who to talk to, so I wandered around nervously for a few minutes before making my way towards the customer service counter. A nice looking rabbit with brown and white fur looked up from the computer he was working at and smiled at me.

"Hi there. Can I help you with anything?"

"Y-Yeah, thanks," I stammered, trying to stay calm. "I'm, I'm actually here for an interview. For a job. My name is Jamie Collins?"

The rabbit stood up and put out his paw, which I instinctively shook. "Nice to meet you, Jamie. I'm Michael. I'll take you to Christina, in the back. She's the manager."

"Alright, thanks."

"Yeah, no problem."

I followed him as he took me to the back of the store, through an "employees only" door. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but the stockroom was way bigger than I thought it was. Familiar fluorescent lighting shone down on rows and rows of shelves that were much taller than I imagined they would be. We walked down the narrow lanes for a ways before coming to another plain door. Michael opened the door and held it for me. I mumbled a 'thanks' and walked into the room, the rabbit close behind. It looked like a staff room, really basic, but well organized. Two other people were there already sitting casually at a table. One was a geeky looking raccoon, and the other was a lioness with glasses who I assumed was Christina. Though all three of them looked older than me, I was struck by how young they all were.

"Hey Mark. Hey Chris. This is Jamie, here for the interview."

"Oh good, just on time!" Christina said. Even with her friendly smile, I couldn't help but be a little intimidated. "Get out of here Mark, give us some space," she said, shooing him away. "Thanks Mike."

"Of course. We'll get out of your hair," the raccoon said, also smiling at me. Damn, nothing smiles all around to put me on edge. Mike and Mark both left, and Christina motioned for me to come over and sit with her at an office desk at the other side of the room.

"Go ahead and make yourself comfortable. I'm Christina, which I'm sure Michael told you already."

"Yeah. Um, I'm Jamie Collins. Nice to meet you." I put my hand out and she shook it. I hoped I didn't look as nervous as I felt, but I thought it unlikely.

"Nice to meet you too. I hope you're not too nervous. Sam only has good things to say about you."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Do you know her? Do you know her well, I mean."

She nodded. "Oh yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Romero are really involved here since it's the location closest to where they live. I see Sam all the time. She doesn't like to talk about the family business much, though. Anyway, you can relax. Summer jobs are really casual here."

"Alright, I'll try," I said with a smile, laughing a bit at myself. She smiled a bit wider.

"Good. How much do you know about the job?"

There wasn't much more to it than I thought there was. Mainly it was just stocking and organizing and stuff. I got the impression they really didn't need any help beyond the staff they already had, but the Romeros wanted to provide at least a couple students with a bit of help. Christina seemed really nice, and I actually was surprised that Sam hadn't talked about any of these people considering how well it sounded like she knew them. But she was right, Sam didn't like to talk about the stores with anyone.

It was only half-time, so I would still have plenty of free time during the summer to do whatever, but even 20 hours of minimum wage sounded infinitely better than nothing. The work sounded like it would be pretty physical - a lot of lifting and moving and stuff - but it didn't sound too complicated, and the stakes were pretty low. By the end of it, Christina already had me filling out forms.

"I can't officially tell you that you'll get the job, but something tells me it will work out," she had said, to which we both had laughed.

I felt better than I had in a long time when I left, even if I was stuck wearing a tie and collared shirt that made me feel like an imposter in more ways than one. I called Sam the minute I got home, naturally, and spent the better part of the day talking to her about the interview, summer, and the remainder of school that stood in the way. Three weeks felt like a painfully long time to wait for the semester to be over, and an impossibly short time to get my shit together.

"Fuck, I'm so screwed..."

"Uh huh, sure," Sam said. "You realize you say that every semester, right? And your GPA is still always better than mine. Nerd."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But seriously. I might fail Math..."

"Whoa, really? I didn't realize it was actually that bad. Can you still turn it around?"

"I think so..." Neither of us brought up the fact that Kyle had offered to help me out with that class. She knew better than to say it, and I still wasn't viewing it as a real option. "I can still pass if I can catch up, I just don't know if I can learn everything I need to in time..."

"You'll figure it out like you always do. In the meantime, tell me what I should write for my English paper."

"Ugh, really?" She did this all the time. Despite being a grade ahead, I was the one who would tell her what the teacher would want to hear, the 'hidden meanings' in the inane books they stuffed into high school curriculum. To be honest, I thought it was fun. Each new book was a new code to break. "What have you been reading?"

The next day I went to the mall with Sam and Darren to get lunch and catch a movie. We wandered a bit afterwards, but I didn't feel like shopping so I got home before the afternoon was over, no bags of clothes to smuggle in this time. The house was quiet, so I assumed everyone was out on errands or something.

When I got up the stairs and opened the door to my room, I was startled to find Drea already there, sitting on my bed.

"Shit! You scared me," I said, looking at her. She looked worried, maybe even upset. "Uh... what are you doing in my room...?"

"Jamie, don't be mad..." she said, at the same time my eyes landed on a few articles of clothing that were beside her on the bed. Clothes that were from my closet, from the very back. Clothes that I hid in my backpack and changed into at school. Clothes I never let my family see me in.

"What? What the fuck?" I said quietly, taking a step back. The next time I spoke, it was louder. "Why the hell are you in here? Have you been going through my stuff?!" I snatched up the clothes and went to go shove them away somewhere.

"Jamie, hold on. Just listen. It's just... I was talking to Jennifer Hayashi, we're not super close, but she goes to your school. She mentioned something about it, and I just... I didn't believe her at first, but then I thought about it, about how you've been acting."

All the while she was talking, I heard her, but it was like hearing it from far away. My heart was beating faster and louder until the world felt like it was spinning.

"All I wanted to do was to make sure," she continued, standing up now. I held onto the back of my desk chair. "You've been avoiding me so much, I needed to know what was going on."

"Get out."

"Jamie-"

"Get out, now. Get out of my room." She reached out to touch my arm, which was the first time I noticed I was shaking. I stared at the wall, the floor, anywhere that I could avoid her.

"You have to talk to me! Jamie, I've been so worried about you! Mom and dad are worried about you, but they know you won't talk to them! That's the only reason I was asking Jennifer about you in the first place."

"So what, you've had her spying on me? What the fuck Drea?" I pulled away, starting to pace back and forth.

"It's not like that, I just asked about you. Fuck, Jamie! You don't know what it's been like, living with you like this, watching you pull away from us, pull away from ME. They... They've even been worried you've been hurting yourself or something."

I didn't answer that. Instead I sat on the edge of my bed, putting my head in my paws.

"Jamie, tell me you haven't...." She followed, sitting down next to me. Not too close, just enough that I could feel the pressure of her presence. "Have you?"

I really wanted her to drop it, but I knew there was no way in hell she was going to, not now. I should have just said no, but now after hesitating like that I knew I couldn't get away with lying. But still... Darren and Sam knew. They were the only people I had told, and to be honest I had thought I could just keep it that way.

"Not... Not recently..." I choked on the words. My throat felt like he was closing up. Hot tears were flooding my eyes, and I didn't look, but I knew she felt the same way. It took her a few tries to talk again.

"How long?"

I shrugged, wiping my eyes in a futile attempt not to cry. "I don't know, it started a year and a half ago or so. But I haven't... I haven't done anything like that since last fall."

"Is that when you... started dressing differently?" Drea asked, choosing her words like she was stepping around a mine field. I nodded in response.

"Kind of. Basically,' I answered. A pit of nausea was forming in my stomach. Years of repressed and hidden feelings were coming up to the surface, though it felt more like a freight train speeding at me, ready to crash. "I wanted to tell you, but..."

"But what, Jamie?" Drea's voice sounded shocked, hurt, desperate. "I've been right here, the whole time. I'm your sister. You used to say we were best friends... you can tell me anything."

"What was I supposed to say? I don't know what the fuck is going on. I don't know why I feel like this, or what to do with it. I don't even know how to describe it! And I didn't want you or Mom and Dad to worry... you know how people are to, to people like that, like me..." The words started flowing out at I couldn't stop them, just like I couldn't hold back the emotions that came with them. I put a paw over my mouth, clamping it down to hold back a sob. Drea moved closer and took my hands in hers, holding onto them.

"We've been worried anyway. I've spent the last year trying to figure out... wondering what was happening, and what I was doing wrong that you were just ignoring me."

Her words weren't even registering in my mind anymore. She was saying something but it was a million miles away. I was still trying to cover my eyes, and at some point I started to pull away, but she hugged me tightly instead. It had been years since I had cried in front of her, but there was no way to hold it back or stop it.

"Jamie, it's okay. It's going to be okay."

She kept saying that, but I didn't believe it. Why should I? What did she know about any of this? At some point she closed the door, and the light from the sun was turning orange as it began to descend in the sky, casting long shadows on my wall. I think someone came by and stood at the door at some point, probably our Dad, but the footsteps moved away after a minute or so. I'm not sure how many times I stopped crying only for it to start again, but at some point my face hurt from it. I blew my nose again, tissues littered all over my bed. Andrea was still there, still holding my hot, clammy hand.

"Are you going to tell them?" I asked. The window was cracked open, and I gulped the air that the cool breeze brought in while the light faded.

"Not unless you want me to. But whichever of us does it, you shouldn't wait too much longer."

"I will. Just not yet." I knew she was disappointed, but she nodded. "I just want a little more time to figure things out, okay? After they know, it's going to be a whole big thing. It won't just be me trying to figure out my own feelings anymore, you know?"

"Okay. Yeah, that makes sense." She still seemed sad, but at least more satisfied. "What should I tell them, then? They're going to ask."

"Just tell them that I'm," I paused, trying to come up with something, "that I'm okay for now. Tell them I was depressed but I'm getting better, and that we're talking again."

She looked at me, as if trying to tell if I meant what I said. "Are we? I don't want you to go back to avoiding me, Jamie. And there's a lot we should talk about..."

"I know. I'm sorry," I said. And I meant it. While I was dreading some of it, it was also a relief to know that I didn't have to keep it from her anymore. I looked her in the eyes. "It won't be like that anymore. I promise."

"Okay. Good." She didn't quite smile, but her face brightened up just a bit. "You should eat something. Are you going to come down for dinner?"

I shook my head. "I can't eat. I'm too tired. Think I'll just go to bed early."

"Sure you don't want me to bring you something?" I shook my head again. "Alright, well, don't make it habit or anything. She hugged me one last time. "I'm sorry. I know it was messed up to go through your stuff..."

"It's okay. I know you had to. I love you, Drea."

"I love you too. Talk to you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course."

After she was gone, I didn't bother turning on the lights or even changing my clothes. All I did was lie there, trying to figure out what I was going to say, how I was going to explain everything to her, or worse, my parents. Before it had always felt like if I really wanted to, I could just never tell them. Now it seemed like it was only a matter of time. Despite the stress and fear that came with those thoughts, when I finally drifted off I slept better than I had in a long time.