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Reflections on SuicideNightfallThe sun slowly sets, gradually stretching shadows across the ground as it lays itself down below the horizon. Breen, who lives in a small high-rise in a small city, is kept warm by the suns red glow. He watches the shadows slowly stretching themselves from above as he sits on his balcony, sipping a glass of warm milk. He find warm milk calming as he awaits the nightfall. This night, like any other night, will be long and painful. It will be another long, sleepless night. Breen's eyes are heavy, his legs are weak, but still he will be awake all night. As the sun becomes a mere sliver in the distance, and finally subsides to obscurity behind the sphere of our planet, in order to share its light with others around the globe, Breen is left in darkness. As the sky gets colder, and darker, and the land is swallowed by shadow, he takes a last sip of milk with an uneasy feeling about this night. He is broken and confused, crushed by exhaustion. He takes a deep breath, and lets out a long sigh. Tonight, I invite you to join Breen, and take walk in his shoes for a while, for these are the final hours of his life.

 You can't see it, but Breen knows it. Breen lives with insomnia, which can be a devastating disease to live with. The lengthy periods of sleeplessness are just torture, and often lead to suicide. Breen enters his apartment, and slides the door shut behind him. It locks with a soft click, but he reinforces the door with a stick wedged in the track. Some of the early stars are already glistening on this clear night. Breen sets the empty glass down on a table, and steps into his small bedroom. As he sits on the side of his bed, he can feel his palms begin to sweat, and his heart begins to throb. He holds his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. His eyes swell up with tears, and he can feel it within himself the urge to cry, but he can't. Breen is hopelessly afraid of the night. He suffers from night terrors which would disturb him during the day, and leave him restless at night. It has been months now, and Breen can't even remember what it feels like to lay himself down and fall asleep, and get a good rest. Lonely and afraid, he has nowhere to turn. He needs a break, and as he gnashes his teeth, he thinks to himself that he can't go through this anymore.

 21.48h. Breen sat on his bed for a few minutes. After fifteen, twenty minutes had passes, he realized that he needed some fresh air, and to try again later. Each minute only felt like seconds passing by. He got up, dizzy and confused, and walked to his kitchen. Breen was usually a very organized person, but lately, without sleep, he has become disorganized and confused. He opens the door to the fridge, looking for the milk, and finds a box of cereal in its place. His shoulders slump to his sides, as he mumbles to himself, "I didn't do that, did I?" He took the box and dropped it on the counter, and began

searching his drawers. Inside a cupboard, where the cereal should have been kept, he found the milk. Luckily it was still cool. He picked it up, but the carton slipped through his weakened fingers, and spilled itself all over the floor. Breen just fell to his hands and knees, and sobbed quietly to himself. "Why can't I just get some sleep?" He exclaimed to himself, "I just want to sleep here now, and end this pain!" Breen knew, though, there was one escape; one way to sleep for good and end his pain once and for all. He thought often of it, especially lately. Breen needed rest, whatever the cost may have to be.

 Breen had been suffering like this for months now. He washed his face with come cold water, and looked at himself in the mirror. The cold water was refreshing, and helped wash away the tears and sorrow on his face, but he could see the toll his illness was beginning to have on him. His eyes were bloodshot, and he could see the death in his face. The shadows under his eyes were getting darker, the wrinkles getting deeper. This restlessness was taking its toll on his health. He wanted to be asleep an hour ago. Once it starts to get late, the clock races, and a couple hours of sleeplessness quickly turns into a whole night."What's going on," he thought to himself, "will I ever sleep again?" It was getting late. Breen can't work, and soon he won't be able to function. His brain pounded against his skull, throbbing with pain. The more he thought about it, the more it hurt. He felt trapped, hopeless, as if there were no escape. The only way out may be through the cousin of sleep, as they say: death.21.57h. He took a deep breath, and decided to go for a brisk walk, to clear his head, and try to clear those negative thoughts. Suicide had been on Breen's mind lately, and with each passing day without rest, that option became more realistic, and more vivid. He has no family, no friends, and works a dead-end job. He is tired, and with nowhere to go, he locks his door behind him, and enters into the shadows of the night.

 22.11h. The autumn air had a cool breeze, which contrasted the hot summer days which had just passed by. At night the streets are usually filled with the colours of neon signs and streetlights, which splash their colours across the grey buildings which line themselves along the otherwise lonely streets. Tonight, though, everything was grey. There was no more colour. As Breen walked these streets, he saw a world which was flat, cold, and empty. He took long, slow strides, watching his shadow split into several forms around his penumbra with each point of light he passed. His shadow split itself, like his mind, shattered in the light, but would once again come together in the darkness. To call this night dark was an understatement. This night had the rancid stench of death on it. 22.31h. The occasional car streaks by with a gentle hiss as they cut their aerodynamic

bodies through the air. The low grumble of the internal combustion engine could be heard as they glide past, up the street, and into the obscurity of this urban maze. The red taillights spatter their light across the glass windows of this concrete jungle, streaking from one window to the next. This wind blows itself, tossing on old can down its path. Breen is slightly startled by the sudden rattle of litter tumbling out an alley. It rolls up to him as he kicked it into the street. Breen felt somewhat satisfied with his punt, and stumbled onto the road to give it another good boot. He was unaware of the late night delivery truck cruising down the road behind him, and as he reared his leg to kick the can again, the loud screech of tires sliding against the pavement coupled with the blaring horn in an otherwise silent night threw him against the sidewalk again. His heart jumped, pounding against his chest as he tried to catch his breath. The driver continued to lay down the horn as he passed by, and the loud tone gradually deepened itself by means of the Doppler effect as he drove off into the night.

 22.46h. Breen sat down, holding his chest, feeling his heart. This was the closest he has ever been to death. Breen was just plotting his own death here, and yet death almost just took him by surprise. He continued to entertain himself with this idea of suicide as he picks himself up again and continues to walk down the streets. He considers throwing himself into the next car that comes, but wonders if he would even die. What if he were just to be injured, and live crippled for life and unable to attempt suicide again? There can be no second chances. He continued to think about this as he rounded a corner towards the city limits. As he rounded past this corner, he realised what he was walking towards. He was gravitating towards it like an asteroid coming ever closer to the sun, to be swallowed whole by its molten plasma, to die, and through assimilation live on within the burning flames of the sun. Breen continued to walk toward this intersection. He looked around at the crossing, and admired it. He was never here on foot before, or so late at night for that matter. It had an almost supernatural feeling to it as he looked up and down each way and saw nothing but darkness.

 22.59h. He had come to a level crossing, where the road meets the rail. The smell of oil spilled into the dirt filled the air. Breen could only imagine the sheer amount of weight these machines would have to pull everyday. The rails, in their perfectly drawn parallel lines, drew themselves off into the distance, ever so far until they met each other at the vanishing point in space and time. They stretched themselves out from the city and into the darkness. The rails extended themselves through the forest, as they wound their way through no-man's land. Breen took one look back at the road from which he came; from which he was so familiar with, and with a deep

breath, he began to walk down the railroad. 23.14h. As Breen walked, and began to leave the light of the city, he was accompanied by a long lone shadow which stretched itself into the darkness ahead. He felt a rush like never before. His entire life had been spent on the beaten path, and on roads over travelled, guiding himself through these dull and bland paths into selflessness. He had never trespassed before. He was so familiar with his building and the local streets that he couldn't ever conceive of leaving the landscapes of which he called home. He was now in foreign territory, and darkness is swallowing him whole.

 23.21h. There is some rustling in the bushes, which sends a tingle down Breen's spine, and a shot of fear into his mind. It's just small animals and birds stirring in the night, possibly even startled by the presence of an unfamiliar commuter trekking through their territory. Breen stops for a second, and holds his breathing, listening. He looks back behind him, there is nobody. He listens to the leaves blowing in the breeze. Nothing. The silence is deafening. He is not scared of little animals, or even big animals for that matter, but of people. To see people out here, alone, in the middle of complete darkness, out in the middle of nowhere, would be bad, very bad. Animals will kill and maim each other, but people, they trap, torture, and track one another. People live in a world where they are all just another number in a statistic; they are all numbers in a world of digits. The worst part of it all is how much people hate each other, and slaughter each other with war and famine on such a gross scale unimaginable in the animal kingdom. Animals cannot comprehend hate; they do not commit genocide; they do not enjoy torturing others for their own sadistic enjoyment. They do not conspire to murder and plot horrendous crimes. Animals kill out of necessity, for food, whereas people kill out of enjoyment; out of a desire to watch suffering with an insatiable lust for bloody domination.

 23.46h. Breen, as a person, feels disconnected from everyone else for this reason. He hates violence, and despises its disgusting nature and its ugly face. All he ever wanted was to live in peace, but where could he go? We all share this one planet. We all coexist here, trapped on this sphere, which as it seems gets smaller and smaller with each turn of the sun. Where could he turn to? He is trapped on earth with no way out. He looks up to the stars, and admires their stunning beauty in this darkness. Now that he has walked quite some time from the city, and into the depths of the wilderness, the stars shine their glory unobstructed by the light polluting from the streets. He takes the time to admire each star, and trace their constellations. 00.04h. Breen lets his mind wander as he admires the wonderful vistas of the night. Perchance, he wonders, there is somebody out there, living on another world, looking

back at him and thinking the same thing? Maybe the worlds out there in the sky are just as violent and chaotic as our own? Perhaps even worse? Breen begins to realize that maybe he should consider himself lucky to live on earth, as violent as it seems, at least in his country he can live in some sort of relative peace. On the other hand, the war is still so close, no matter how far away on the planet it is, this is still just one small rock hurdling itself through space.

 00.26h. As Breen keeps on walking along the tracks, he is entertained by the thought of alien life forms beyond the realms of the earth. If they are out there, he wonders, how do they live? Are they like us, people, who dwell in violence? Do they rape and murder and steal just like we do here? There's no way out. Breen sighs a little bit as he realizes that he lives on earth, trapped here to live forever on one planet. He reflects on space itself, the seemingly infinite void that divides us from them, a barrier of communication and of travel, but also a barrier of foreign world problems. The problems out there belong out there. We have enough problems of our own. Maybe that void protects us from those problems, or from us bringing our own problems out there? 00.58h. Breen continues to watch the skies as he walks through complete darkness. The stars shine with an unusual brightness. Even the galaxies can be seen on this clear, moonless night. He admires this cosmic display of fireworks, which began with a great explosion, and shed its sparks throughout the Universe, seeding the potential for live everywhere in its vast area. Each of these sparks seem so small, as they spatter their glittering patterns across the great window above. They seem small, but their size is unimaginable, and the distances at which they come to rest are just as spectacular. Breen is taken away as he reflects on these ghostly little sparks. Their ancient shimmering blue light had travelled through the void millions of years before reaching the earth, and entering into the pupils of awe-struck Breen. He stops briefly to admire these flickering beauties, and their unshakable arrangement when he happens to catch a meteor which quickly streaks across the sky. It stretches its bright blue tail across the sky, and explodes in perfect silence, giving off a flash of bright light before disintegrating into nothing. As fast as it had arrived, it was already gone.

 01.16h. Breen felt the excitement from this, and wished upon it as the old saying goes. He wished that everything would be okay. He wished that he could wake up tomorrow morning, refreshed after a good night of rest, and realize that this was all just a long nightmare. He wished it deep in his mind, but sadly he could feel that things were not going to work out for him. He knew deep within that this wouldn't be the case. Besides, a wish does not come true if you speak of it to another. He steps onto a thick, dry stick,

which cracks with a sharp loud noise. He jumps, startled by this, and looks around. He sees into the trees, peering out from the darkness of the woods, the eyes of devils, in their eerie dim glow. There were round wide eyes, exclaiming their hatred and fear on this earth. There were narrow, slanted eyes, showing their suspicion and interest in the prey they stalk silently. As Breen had just prayed so hard for his wish of good fortune, he gulps as he realizes these devils had overheard him as they snicker to themselves, hungry for his weakness. They draw themselves closer to him, and lure death to find him in these shadows.

 02.23h. Breen makes his way around a smooth bend in the rail. Deep into the forest, into the depths of the night, his only path is that of a machine. These metallic beasts pull thousands of tons of freight with their shear mechanical muscle. They slither through these woods and across the land every day, breathing smoke and fire as they roar through the otherwise calm wilderness. Breen rounds the end of the bend, and comes to a terminal switch light. The steel frame skeleton holds up three red lights, which splash their red light along the trees. The light pools around this area with an unusually vibrant colour which contrasts the cool darkness of this pitch black night. Breen finds this almost serene, and calming. He is in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by the tempo of chirping crickets as they perform their midnight symphony: the Tempo of the Night. Alone in this darkness, the sound really captivates Breen. In this loneliness and darkness, he feels secure. He is alone with the earth, among the creatures who share her wealth of shelter and food with respect. These animals don't just live on the earth, they live with the earth. The animals do not plant grains to harvest, the earth is their shepherd and everything is provided to them. This is something people should take a lesson from. We all need a break once in a while, to return to the nature which had nurtured us in antiquity, and raised us up into men, so that we may show our appreciation to our mother. We need to share the earth as one community, and learn to live together with the earth, not just on it.

 02.48h. As Breen keeps moving, with one step at a time, he slowly reaches back into the darkness of the night. With each step, the rocks beneath his shoes crunch with a sound so deafening in this otherwise complete silence of the night. Everything is still, even the air. A slight mist creeps through the forest floor, and flows around the trunks of the trees, giving the air a crisp cool feel. This air is refreshing, and relaxing on the lungs. Breen looks back to see from where he came. He sees the switch lights in the distance, except now one light is green. The light reflects off the rail as bright sharp lines, like shards of glass, drawing towards him in parallel formation. He thinks about this light as he turns back, and wonders if that means a

train will be coming soon. Breen isn't even sure if the trains even do run overnight. The time is now closing in on 03.00h. The morning draws itself closer, but is still so far away. Far away into the night, the distant wailing of a train horn echoes through the endless forests. The horn gives off an eerie sound, like the long moaning of a mysterious creature crying in pain, mourning the loss of a mate. Its moaning fills the air, and pours its gloomy groan over the forest. As the horn stops, a slight echo can still be heard resonating from the forests, as if the sound had gotten itself lost in the maze of trees and grass, trying to find its way out.

 03.07h. Suddenly, Breen can see the light of the train in the distance. Like a great torch burning in the midst of a dark tunnel, the light parts the darkness ahead as the trees are illuminated by the megawatt power of the bulbs. The darkness recedes in the presence of the light, creeping back into the shadows of obscurity waiting for it to pass, that the darkness may once again pool over the tracks and consume the path. Flocks of birds can be seen rising from the trees as the train reveals itself through the bushes in the distance. The train itself is still a couple of kilometres away. Breen stops in the middle of the tracks to watch its approach. The headlights shimmer in the distant darkness, like a great supernova burning in deep space, shining with astronomical luminosity. Like a light at the end of a tunnel, the headlights reflect razor sharp beams of light along the rails, splitting the darkness of the forest floor. The trees are illuminated with the glow of the headlamps as they are shaken by the brute force and speed of the passing train. From a distance, the train appears silent as it creeps toward him. From the corner of his eye, Breen happens to catch something land in one of the tall trees. An owl on a high branch stares at him with wide eyes. His grim appearance reminds him that death is here, lured by the devils who silently stalked him tonight. The owl simply stares at him, aware of the danger barrelling ahead at great speed with an unstoppable force. He can smell the stench of death in the air as he awaits the arrival of the grim reaper to snatch another victim from this cold and lonely world.

 03.08h. The train itself, like a fire-breathing monster, snorting and chugging along, slithers its metal belly along the man-made path. The immense strength of this mechanical beast shakes the forest floor with might. The wheels of the train glide along the rails like razors, slicing across their path with an unshakable force. The train glides smoothly across these perfectly lain parallel lines. From a distance, the speed of the train is deceiving. The train is approaching Breen with great speed. He can now make out more details of the front lamps. They are actually three lamps, arranged into a perfect triangle, with its point at the top. He admires the light emitting from

this massive, stinking beast. He admires its brightness, its forbidden allure, as that of the legendary siren, whose call can lure an unsuspecting pirate drawn by his lust into certain death. 03.09h. The beast roars as it hauls thousands of tons of material and goods across the country. The ground rumbles beneath this monster, as the air surrounding it is filled with the smell of oil and diesel. The engineer puts down the throttle, and the cars behind him shudder with a loud commotion, each car crashing on after the other as the one before it pulls it up to speed. The engine roars with a great tremor as the beast spews a cloud of smoke into the air. In the distance, Breen can hear the squeaking of metallic friction as the train makes its approach. He watches the light, in all of its mysterious and forbidden beauty, growing bigger, and brighter, as it advances toward his position. He finds this light mesmerizing as he stares into it and watches the light grow larger, and brighter, and more menacing. The trees around Breen begin to glow with their light, as the edges of the leaves shine with brightness.

 03.09h. The shadows are growing stronger, and streaking around the forest floor, and stretching themselves behind Breen as the darkness seeks refuge from the light, to hide from its brightness. Breen stands there on the track, a deer in the headlights, attracted to the allure of the hideous beast that will soon devour him. The darkness retreats from this beast as it snorts and roars along, shining great brightness onto Breen as he stands in its way, helpless, waiting for it to liberate him from this mess that he is in; waiting for death to bring to him salvation. The rails shimmer with the high pitched squeaks of metallic grinding. He listens to the growl of the engine as the beast comes up on him, its size is now apparent. A great monster of hideous size, Breen looks up at its baleful face. Breen hears the train puffing and snorting, with a great roar like the most fearsome beasts of legend. He can feel the ground tremble at this raw power. The light is blinding. He is finally confronted by the massive size of this beast, and consumed by its light. The conductor, horrified by what he sees isolated in this darkness, desperately blasts the horn in a last second plea, hoping to intimidate this lost soul to stand down, and rethink his decision. The horn blasts the air surrounding Breen, vibrating every molecule in his body with a tremendous force. The ground rumbles beneath him, shaken by the dreadful force of this machine. The beast stinks of oil and fuel, as it snorts a great billow of smoke. He is face to face with the face of death.

 "Last stop," he says to himself. "This is the end of the line for my life."