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“So what’s so bad about home anyway?”

I was busy seething, so I didn’t catch Maobau’s words.“What?”

The cat made a noise crossed between an annoyed sigh and a low yowl “What… Is… So… Bad… About… Home? You’ve had a face like a thundercloud since ol’ knife-ear told you where we needed to go. What gives? Loads of Westerners come to Spac-Efiller and live to return, it’s not like you’re being thrown into the Infernal Realms.”

“What’s the local name for the mountain range we’re crossing? Direct translation.” I snapped back.

“The Blue Vaults? Not nearly as much of a tongue-twister as the comm-”

I ran a hand down my face. The catboy had no idea what his homeland’s reputation was out here. “The Don’givvafuks were named by a human hero summoned millennia ago local time. As in ‘Don’t give a fuck’. Because that’s what people do regarding anything happening beyond them. I think the old dwarf for them translates as ‘Send Bad Apprentice Here’ and the elven is just straight up ‘Rival Disposal’. No matter what may be happening, no one gives a shit as long as it stays firmly on the other side. That is why I’m pissed.”

“I-If… B-but that can’t be true!” Maobau looked at me with wide and watery eyes. “If it was then why did the grandmaster give me a quest at all?”

“Because he’s cleaning house. I’ve been trying to get that old tosspot to treat the non-elves of the guild with something resembling fairness for years and he’s been trying to have me an accident for just as long.” As much as I was still pissed off with him for his theft of my pass card I lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder for as long as elven public decency laws permitted.

“So what, I’ve been given the barrel-scrapings to save my homeland with then?” Maobau’s shoulders and ears slumped dejectedly.

“No. If we weren’t good at our jobs we wouldn’t have lived this long. But we are the misfits. Which is why our recruits are out doing day jobs instead of hanging around the guildhalls or out on quests.” I explained, which seemed to mollify him as we neared our first port of call. “Right, we’re here. Put your armband on and let me do the talking.”

The catfolk pulled on the offered armband that marked him as a member of an official adventuring party, specifically mine, and gave me a small half-smile. “Yes Captain.”

We turned the corner and immediately saw the grand, wrought iron gate of the Velvet Lotus Pleasure Gardens. It was, as I’d explained to Maobau whether he wanted me to or not, a monument to the elves’ hypocrisy. Throughout the assorted elven kingdoms public nudity was banned, even for those whose fur or scales were more than enough to cover their modesty, and by extension so was public sex. The penalties for which were lengthy, detailed, and applied without hesitation. But elves fucking love fucking in the bushes, how could they get the sweet, sweet thrill of shagging mere feet away from discovery?

Simple. The Velvet Lotus wasn’t technically open to the public. You needed a key to get in and they changed the locks frequently. Nevermind the fact that every last brothel in the city sold copies for extortionate sums of gold and cheap fakes that lasted a couple of turns tops could be found in every back alley. Pay no attention to the great and the good whiling away their days within while heartily condemning the poors and non-elfs for the exact same thing.

So when an allegedly private space is accessible to near enough everyone and their mother you need security. Which was what the first party member on my list was doing there. Jaqi Silverleaf, Ranger, security at Velvet Lotus. That was it. That was all As’hle had given me. Not even age or species or any indication as to why he wanted rid of them. Just Name, Class, Current Job. Dickless fucker.

I forced those thoughts from my head and a smile on my face as we approached the little stone gatehouse just to the side and out of line of sight of the main gate and tapped on the window.

“Need a key for entry human. Get one or get lost.” The elf inside rolled his eyes and turned the page on his glossy magazine.

“Adventurer’s guild business. Looking for Jaqi Silverleaf.” I slapped Silverleaf’s one page ‘file’ against the window making sure that the signature and seal were visible.

The grounds-elf looked up from his magazine and inspected it. “The freak? What, guild needs some dicks sucked?”

“Party needs a ranger and they’re who I was given. Do you know where they are?”

The elf lazily pointed a thumb over his shoulder into the park.“Yeah, she’s in there somewhere doing gods know what. Actually make that gods know who. Silverleaf is decent enough as a thief-taker, but she ain’t no ranger humie. Find the trail of chaos, follow it and you’ll find her.”

He slowly got to his feet with much creaking of joints and bitching about aches, but the grounds-elf opened the hidden staff door and let the two of us into the hut.

“Thanks. Hey, do you know what she looks like? All Grandmaster As’hle gave me was name, rank, and location.”

“Old As’hle himself? What you do to piss him off?” The elf asked with an extraordinarily long eyebrow raised quizzically.

I snorted. “What haven’t I done?”

“Ouch. Silverleaf is a faun. Red hair, green-blue eyes, nice rack, eight point antlers too.” The elf chuckled at his own joke. “Stands about 5’10” and I won’t bother describing clothes since she probably won’t be wearing any. I’ll let you work out why we call her the freak yourself. Is the cat with you?”

“He’s coming with me.” I confirmed after sharing an ‘is this guy serious’ look with Maobau that the grounds-elf was self-aware enough to look slightly embarrassed by.

“Sure just keep your armbands on and don’t hang about. Some glorious motherfucker slapped the owner’s kid into next week and she’s just itching to take it out on someone.”

“Bear that in mind.” I smiled. All was right with the world as the two of us stepped out into carefully manicured elf-country.

---

The trail was easy enough to follow even without the sloppy moans and boar-like grunting getting louder with every step. It was concerning. No ranger worth their salt would leave such a trail behind them even with party in tow. The gate guards had mentioned that Jaqi was an effective thief-taker, but had her luck run out? I was no slouch when it came to basic stealth but Maobau was a ghost. Had he been on his own he would have easily outpaced me without disturbing a leaf. The trail lead to a clearing and there in the middle was what had to be our ranger getting reamed by two of the largest orcs I had seen in months.

The shorter one was shredded, a good seven feet tall, and had his hands wrapped around Jaqi’s long ears and longer red hair as he forced his cock down her throat with short, brutal thrusts. Tears, jizz, and spit flowed down her chin to pool on her magnificent bust only to be thrown loose by the powerful strokes of the absolute beast of an orc beneath her. Eight foot four of fat, muscle, and body hair pulled Jaqi’s finely furred cervine rump down to meet his thrusts with mechanical, implacable timing.

Neither orc had any inkling we were there and if our new ranger did she simply didn’t care. The orcs were rough, rough enough to nearly break an elven or human woman but whether or not Jaqi would appreciate it if we interrupted was up in the air. Fauns were practically made to get railed and being brutalised by orcs could very well be just what she wanted.

I decided to delegate responsibility and feel out my new rogue’s intuition at the same time. “Maobau. Test. Intervene or no. Your call.”

“Orcs are unarmed. Silverleaf has a stiletto on her left thigh and her antlers are free. Look at how they’re holding her. They aren’t forcing her to go harder, they’re trying to slow her down!” Maobau whispered back.

I looked again, closer this time, and saw that the cat was exactly right. Short’n’shredded had cupped a second hand around Jaqi’s head and his muscles were visibly straining to hold the voracious faun from deepthroating herself to destruction while Musclegut held her to his pace like his pelvis depended on it. Jaqi may have been the one penetrated, but it was the orcs that were getting fucked.

“So?”

Maobau’s eyes were welded to the scene in front of us. “Let them finish. Armed or otherwise, I am not blueballing those guys.”

“Think they’ll have the energy to stand after that?” I chuckled quietly to no response. A glance downward and I could see that Maobau’s breeches were tighter than they had been before. I sighed and nudged the horny cat. “Find their clothes, it’ll make things easier if they decide to have a go anyway.”

Maobau nodded and loped off awkwardly into the underbrush. After another minute or so the orcs started to reach their climax. Short’n’shredded risked removing a hand to tap the faun on the head. “Fuck Jaqi, I’m close!” The orc grunted, followed by Musclegut groaning out to the same effect in a heavy orcish accent. Jaqi took advantage of their distraction by gulping the large green cock in her mouth down to the base and slowly dragging it back out with a pop audible from where I was hidden.

I tell you now that cock probably came out cleaner than it went in.

“Hmmm, I dunno Balzag. You and Azguh said you were gonna fuck me like one of your orc women and I’ll be honest: You two are holding back on me!” Jaqi said with a teasing grin that lit up the glade, letting seven inches of thick orc meat rest against her face and slowing her pace on Musclegut to a tease that barely went past the first inch.

Jaqi ran her tongue up and down the orc’s trembling cock. “You wanna cum baby? Then you gotta fuck me like you mean it! Don’t worry about hurting me, I wanna feel you two for weeEEEEEKS!”

This time it was Musclegut taking the presented opportunity. The chunky orc wrapped his massive hands around Jaqi’s waist then pulled her down to the hilt, using the momentum and his muscles to move the faun from reverse cowgirl to doggy. It was then that I realised why the grounds-elf refered to her as ‘The Freak’ and it had nothing to do with her preferences or appetites. Jaqi was a futanari. A faun-modest eight inches of steel-hard tapered cervine cock accompanied by a large furry scrotum dangled beneath my new ranger.

“Balzag all’a dis ‘elfy livvin’s gots ya second-guessin’ yersel’! Da doe wanna proppa shag so weez gunnuh givvit too ‘er!” Musclegut brought a plate-sized hand down on Jaqi’s rump with a meaty crack, eliciting a delighted masochistic squeal. “Now git yer prick in ‘er gob or so ‘elp me yew ain’t gettin’ nuffink fer ahn ‘owl moon!”

That lit a fire under Short’n’shredded’s arse. The merely seven foot orc quickly taking up position and hilting himself in Jaqi’s waiting mouth. The ranger didn’t wait for him to start thrusting, instead digging her hands into his muscled backside and pulling him in even deeper.

“Ha! Datz da spirit! Naow hold on doe, cuz ol’ Azguh gunnuh turn dis minge inta sum roight proppa orc gash!”

The orcs must have been right on the edge when Jaqi stopped them because they didn’t last a minute. Which was for the best, since that’s probably as much as anyone smaller than an orc can take. Musclegut ravaged her pussy, one hand wrapped around Jaqi’s scut tail and the other mauling an unusually perky E-cup, their nuts bouncing off one another’s like speedballs. Short’n’shredded throatfucked her just as harshly as his buddy, using Jaqi’s antlers as handles for extra leverage.

A pair of grunts that put dire boars to shame rang out and the orcs buried themselves deep in the faun’s holes. Their orgasm was quickly followed by Jaqi’s own. Thick ropes of off-white seed spurted into the grass beneath her, pooling and puddling in a volume that far exceeded what her tangerine-sized balls should have been able to produce. Centaur pornstars had to load up on virility potions to get loads that big.

After a moment to enjoy the afterglow the two orcs pulled their shrinking cocks free of Jaqi’s depths. Or at least Short’n’shredded did. His member once again came out completely clean but Musclegut seemed to be having some trouble.

“Faack, Jaqi, ya gotz me nut naow stop tryin’ ta succ me ‘nards out too!” Musclegut groaned as he tried to pull himself free of Jaqi’s stubbornly clinging cunt. “C’mon doe, lemme go.”

Jaqi’s laugh lit the clearing. She leaned back into the big orc’s gut and wrapped her arms around his neck as best she could. “Hmmm, maybe.” The faun grinned up at her lover impishly. “Buuuut, that would mean spilling some of this thick, orcish cream you’ve given me and why would I do that? Besides, I think our audience appreciates the show too much to stop now.”

The glade got real quiet real fast when Jaqi said that. Both orcs looked around desperately to see who was spying on them, Musclegut brutally yanking his dick free of Jaqi and knocking her into the puddle of her own jizz in his haste to stand.

I wasn’t sure at the time but Jaqi would later admit that she came again then and there.

“Where are yew?! Show yerself!” Musclegut snapped at the treeline in completely the wrong direction. Short’n’shredded looked between his buddy and where I assumed their clothes were like he was ready to bolt. I didn’t blame them. Elves hate orcs like dwarfs hate sobriety. Getting caught here would not end well for them. I still loosened my broadsword in its scabbard though, just to be safe.

“Calm down Azguh.” Jaqi said as she pushed herself out of the cum puddle. “They’ve been there ages and I’d’ve said something if it was elves. Come on out now! Shows over you two.”

“Two?!” Short’n’shredded exclaimed.

“One by the clothes, one over there.” Jaqi pointed Maobao and I out with uncanny accuracy. “I might be a little clumsy, but I’m still a ranger.”

Then the faun looked down at the mess of slime coating her skin and fur and muttered to herself. “Ew, I was trying to stay clean Azguh. Could’ve pushed me anywhere else.”

I decided to step forward before the orcs made any dumb decisions. “Adventurer’s guild, looking for Jaqi Silverleaf.”

“Present, Captain… Oh, um, wow, a human, uh…” Jaqi’s train of thought completely derailing on seeing my species. It should have been tiresome by now, getting the same reaction from local after local for years on end, but I’d be lying if I said having someone that good-looking shut down on seeing me wasn’t an ego boost.

“Breathe, Silverleaf, breathe.” I placated and the still faun gulped down a breath that she didn’t seem to realise she was holding.

“Wait, you’re here from the guild aren’t you? Oh my gods, oh mygods, ohmygods!” Jaqui began to vibrate like an over-caffeinated gnome with elation.

She started to bounce in place and the orcs and I had to take a few steps back to avoid the flecks of cum shaken loose from her bounding bust. It was strange, and not because a beautiful redhead was shaking a pair of tits rarely seen outside of reduction surgery consultation rooms at me. Okay, not just because. They moved oddly. Like Jaqi was wearing the worlds most effective sports bra despite being completely naked. I began to feel myself start to stare in a less than professional manner and snapped back to reality.

“Yes! Whatever quest it is I’ll take it! Don’t even care if it’s plugging leaks in the sewers! Yes! Ha ha! Suck on that Ma’rstan! Ya doe got herself a real life quest!” Jaqi crowed to the skies. Her bouncing had escalated to dancing in glee, cloven hooves tapping out a happy tattoo on the dirt. It was impossible not to smile at her and the two orcs were spellbound.

“I’d wait until you heard what it is you’ll be doing before celebrating too hard. Who’re your friends?” I chuckled, gesturing to the two increasingly confused orcs behind her. Jaqi looked more exhilarated at the prospect of a quest than she had during sex.

“Oh, these guys?” Jaqi cocked her hips sassily, barely giving the pair a backwards glance. “They’re work. Can’t be causing trouble if they’re too tired to walk.”

All three of them froze the moment the words left Jaqi’s lips. Even if it was just her making a joke a more… zealous, shall we say, type could take that as a cue to arrest the two orcs and hand them over to the guard. Given where they’d been found and their species they had a cat’s chance in a furnace of surviving, innocent or not.

“Captain!” Maobau decided to call out from the other side of the glade. “They got gold here, lots of it too.”

The two orcs whirled around to see the catfolk emerge from his hiding spot with bundles of clothes in one hand and a pair of long bandoliers festooned with obviously pilfered purses in the other. It was lucky that I’d kept my distance because they’d’ve definitely tried to jump me if they thought they had a chance of getting me before I could draw steel on them.

The glade went still again. Even the wildlife seemed to hold their breath. It was so quiet I could hear Jaqi squee “Nekonomin!” under her breath.

“Look, I think you three are misinterpreting what I’m here for. Ms Silverleaf, it’s nice that you give the local likely lads what they want in a way that doesn’t disrupt the rest of the park but I think it’s time for your friends to leave. Maobau, give them their stuff back.” I said in a tone that told the trio that while I knew the two orcs were almost certianly more than minor troublemakers on a jaunt I was intentionally not going to see them as more than that. The orcs relaxed at that after a few seconds to pick up what I was laying down.

Maobau looked at me confused. “Captai-”

“Not our problem, Maobau. Not yours either Jaqi, not any more.” I cut the cat off and got ahead of Jaqi before turning to the still-nude orcs. “Get dressed and get out the same way you got in.”

Maobau reluctantly chucked their clothes and belt over and the two orcs didn’t even hesitate to put on their clothes before sprinting into the undergrowth. I turned to see him still holding one of the orcs’ belts.

“What?! Life on the road is expensive. Not like they can’t come back and get more.” He grumbled and gave what I assumed was an annoyed ear-flick. I let it slide. A rogue without sticky fingers was far more worrying than one with some mild kleptomaniacal tendencies.

Maobau’s demeanour changed when he came face to face with Jaqi though. Or more accurately, face to breast. Maubau was a good six inches shorter than her not counting his ears so when she bounded up to him he suddenly found himself with her tits inches away from his muzzle.

“Hey pretty kitty, you get my clothes too?” Jaqi teased, running a hand down his face and chest.

Even through his grey-black fur I could see Maobau blush like a tomato and he immediately turned into a stammering mess. Not daring to look Jaqi in the eye, or anywhere else for that matter, he dug out a small bundle of straps and wraps that would have barely qualified as clothing in a tropical barbarian tribe.

“I-, ah, umm, allIfoundwasyourunderwearpleaseforgivemeI’msor-” He babbled, unsure if his eyes should even be open as Jaqi purposely ensured her rack was close enough to tickle his whiskers no matter where Maobau looked.

“You’re a cute one.” Jaqi teased as she took her ’clothes’ from Maobau. I followed her gaze downwards and realised that Maobau’s breeches had once again tightened at the same time she did. “Mmm, and you like what you see. Let you into a secret kitty, I like what I see too.”

I rolled my eyes at the pair. Maobau had frozen up now that Jaqi had him quite literally by the balls. “Can you please stop fondling my rogue? We’ve got work to do.”

“Aww, but I need to clean up! And here I was thinking I had two handsome boys to help me out here.” Jaqi pouted, moving to squeeze Maobau in a side-hug that let her get a good grope of his arse. Incoherent whispery noises escaped the cat. He looked like all his Christmasses had come at once, but was debating whether or not to tell the delivery guy he’d made a mistake.

“You and I both know we’ll only get dirtier if that happens. I’ve got more people to recruit and I need to do it today. Please.”

“Yes captain.” Jaqi relented, then a sly smile crossed her face. “Buuut, do you really need two people to do recruitment? I mean, I’m a little tired after all that strenuous exercise and could use some help getting my stuff together.”

“I’ll help her, Captain Medryn” Maobau stated with all the nervous seriousness of a teenager talking to his crush's father for the first time.

“Fine.” I sighed and turned to Jaqi, who still hadn’t released Maobau. “But you’re getting dressed and leaving here with us.

In a flash what turned out to be the world’s smallest buckskin bikini top and something that could be technically described as a loincloth were laminated against her skin and fur. Somehow she managed to look more naked with it on than off. If Maobau’s eyes could’ve got any wider they’d’ve fallen out.

“We’re going to get two steps tops before you get arrested for public indecency. How the hell did you make it here in the first place?”

Jaqi just grinned and pushed Maobau away. In a flash of magic her top had turned into a much more concealing deerskin tunic and her glorified thong that barely held a single testicle, let alone covered the three inches of cock that somehow still poked out of her sheath, transformed into fur-lined shorts that ended above her knee. Or whatever it’s called on digitigrade legs. Regardless, Jaqi had gone from ‘walking public indecency charge’ to a mere ‘daring’ in an instant.

“They transform?” I raised an eyebrow as Jaqi twirled to show off. Even for such small items, especially for something so small, the enchantment costs must have been horrendous.

“Ha, on what this place pays? It’s just a transmog enchantment boosted so I get the warmth of whatever they look like.” Jaqi laughed as we set off back towards the staff gate.

The display of magic put stars in Maobau’s big green eyes. His wonder overcoming his nerves he quickly caught up to Jaqi and asked “Where did you get that done?”

“Did it myself kitty, not much of a ranger if I don’t know how to camouflage myself.”

Huh. A ranger that could do her own spellcasting. Not exactly rare, but uncommon enough to always be in demand. Species and sex alone wouldn’t have justified leaving her on a day job like this, even to As’hle. What had she done to get herself sent into the proverbial wilderness?

We went back through the staff gate and stepped out onto the street. It was nearly noon and while the square outside the Velvet Lotus wasn’t exactly busy the sounds of midday commerce could be heard all around from adjoining streets.

“Right Ms Silverleaf, you said you had stuff to get?” I asked. The few elves on the pavement stepped into the road to avoid us.

“Just my bow, pack, and a few potions from the boarding house. Been ready to drop everything and go since I started.” Jaqi counted off on her fingers.

“Alright then.” I replied, wondering just how long Jaqi had been living out of her pack. Couldn’t have been too long, resignation hadn’t set in yet. “Take Maobau with you. Once you’ve got everything go to the Maze and String Inn and ask for the rooms under the name Medryn. I’ll meet you there.”

“How long are you going to be?” Maobau asked. He was obviously fishing for extra private time with our new party member and by the looks of it Jaqi was hopeful too.

“Don’t know but I don’t want to be worrying about where you two are when you lose track of time.” I sighed. “Get your stuff, go to the inn, then you can fuck each other’s brains out. Not before.”

Faun and catfolk froze and a random elf passing by made a disgusted noise down its nose at us.

“Oh and make sure you keep him quiet, Ms Silverleaf. Maobau’s a noisy boy in bed and I don’t want to come back to find you’ve been kicked out.” A true grin stretched across my face as Maobau’s ears turned cherry-red and Jaqi looked like a dwarfen elder had just started cracking jokes.

She put a hand on her hips and held out the other “And here I was thinking you’d be a dour stick-in-the-mud the whole time, Captain…”

I took the offered hand. “Art Medryn. Your new friend is Maobau Xianluo. And only when I’m working. Have fun, don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

As I left them to go get our next member I heard Jaqi wrap herself around a stammering cat. “Heyy kitty, what do you say to filling up on some cream.”

Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be fine.