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Uncomfortable Conversation

Why is bed always the most comfortable when you need to get up? I groan and raise my hand to my face, placing my two middle fingers on my palm causes my monitor to spring to life. Seventh mark, almost a full mark before I need to be up.

Ugh. I know why I'm up early, but at least this time it was me waking myself and not–

Knock Knock Knock

“Heart preserve me…" I quickly pull on a pair of underwear and a too-big t-shirt I found in the lost and found that I've claimed for pajamas.

Knock Knock Knock

Tssk

“Marruk, Tyu, Rhoun whoever –" I yell as I open the door. “Oh! Marrowyn, hey."

“Sorry, did I wake you?" The massive St. Bernard fidgets in place. “I thought you might want to have breakfast, uh, before the crowds arrive at the cafeteria. With me."

“Marrowyn… We talked about this."

He coughs. “I had to… meet a colleague down here and thought I'd ask since I was nearby."

“Uhuh, if you want to get breakfast you don't have to wake me up unannounced. Or make bad excuses." I rub the sleep from my eyes. “Just message me, okay?"

His ears turn red. “I–I just thought you might enjoy some company!'

“You sure you don't miss me, Marrow? I like having private quarters, but if you want me to move back I–"

“No! Don't! I was just checking on you!" He looks me up and down. “And you're fine! Bye!" He plods down the hall.

He's lucky I'm so damned tired or I'd chase him down! I swear, that carain. At least I get to enjoy the sight of his tail wagging as he flees down the hall. It's not just him, Marruk and Rhoun have come to check on me, too, but usually at more agreeable hours.

I've also been noticing a couple of familiar faces from the security team lurking in my hallway when I leave for work who, wow, what a coincidence, have to patrol in the direction I'm going! I should talk to Marruk about that.

I've been on the Ikoriod-2 for just over a year, or cycle I guess, and they still hover over me. It's nice, in a way, but also incredibly suffocating. I get it, I do, they've got some kind of empty-nest syndrome since I moved to the lower decks. It's only been a couple of months, but I was hoping they'd adjust faster.

Marrowyn has been especially bad. I think he's lonely, but I couldn't stay with him. It was getting too awkward, and I'm not sure I could handle it any longer. How do you even have that conversation?

'Hey, Marrowyn, we're different species but would you be my boyfriend?' No. That's idiotic, a little space will be better for our friendship in the long term, he means too much to me to risk scaring him off.

So here I am, with personal quarters in the lower decks. It was implied that they could move an executive so I could live up there but that seemed rude. I'm a glorified courier who sometimes helps Rhoun, Marrowyn, or Marruk when they need extra paws for simple tasks.

Now that most of the crew, besides the odd new hire, are used to me I'm not worried about trouble. Tyr cooked up a cool earpiece so they can understand me, I always keep one on me and more people get one every month. That's not even counting the handful with neurals and the learning AI.

Anyone else I can just talk to via my monitor. My expensive, outrageously cool monitor! I spent my entire first paycheck on it! Mostly because I don't have to pay for anything. At least, I don't think so… I'm not in debt, am I?

Whatever. Probably not. It's better than the broken thing in a drawer that I'd rather just forget about. Thoughts to have over a quiet, contemplative breakfast before my day begins.

It won't take long for me to get ready for work: a quick rinse with human-safe soap and shampoo, a trim of my burgeoning mustache, and I'm out the door. I should get breakfast at the mess. Now that I'm not being stared at by everyone it's nice and I enjoy the background noise.

Even though most of the crew lives down here I don't see many carain out and about at… not even the eighth mark. Marrow, I swear. I think I'm going to make it to the elevator, maybe even the mess hall without running into anyone.

By the Heart, I am looking forward to a hot cup of caf before my day begins. I offer my thanks to whatever powers may be that caffeinated beverages are as beloved by the carain as they are humans and that I can safely consume them. A peaceful morning with my Caf is just–

“Heeeeeeeeeey yoooooooooooouuuuuu!" A sing-song voice and a dancing set of paws echo down the hall.

Void, no. “Tyu! I," I clench my teeth. “I wasn't expecting to see you here so extraordinarily early ."

“Tiiiinyyyyy!" She slides to a stop in front of me. “Let's get breakfast!"

“I was just going to grab something small, a cup of caf and–"

“Hang out with your ' bestie' ?" She spins in place.

I should not have taught her that word. “...Yes." No stopping her now.

“That's the spirit corporal Tiny!" She grabs me by the wrist and drags me down the hall toward the stairs.

“Tyu, can we take the elevator?" I plead.

“It's only six floors to the cafeteria!" She replies

“But… There's a cafeteria one floor down."

“We aren't going down, we're going up, to the good one!" She winks. “They have the best caf!"

Ugh. At least I'm getting my steps in for the day. I bet Marruk put her up to this, he thinks I don't exercise enough, as if I'm not already running back and forth across the station delivering samples, meals, packages, letters from home, and whatever else someone doesn't want to take care of themself.

By the time we arrive at the cafeteria, I'm sweaty and my legs burn. Tyu is unfazed, but at least she does me the kindness of bringing me my tray of oats and berries. I should have gone to breakfast with Marrowyn, he would have taken the elevator.

He's so considerate, and he has this way of making me feel more awake in the mornings, always asking what I've got planned for the day, recommending new carain books to read, and testing my speaking and reading knowledge.

That sounds lame, but it's stimulating and gets my brain working first thing in the morning. I faintly recognize the smell of caf beneath my nose. He's been wonderful, now I can sort-of-kind-of read the signs on the doors! I seldom get lost anymore!

I should message him, maybe we can meet for lunch.

“Tiny."

But what if I say something weird? I don't want him to notice I have a crush. He's a professional, a well-respected doctor. I can't continue to ask for so much of his time.

“Tiiiiiny?"

God this is so complicated! On Earth, I'd just tell the guy and get it over with, even if it sucked and he got mad or grossed out. I wish I could talk to my mom about it, or anyone from home.

“Hellooooooooo?"

Marrowyn wouldn't be freaked out… right? He's so nice, and I know carain can be gay , but we're not even the same species! What if he never talks to me again?! What if we do get together and unleash a horrible space plague?! Oh, By the Void , this is complicated.

Two paws grab me, one on each shoulder. “ AHHHHH! EMERGENCY!"

“What? What?!" I search the empty cafeteria seats and tables but all I see is one annoyed carain glaring daggers at me and Tyu.

Tyu sits next to me. “What're you thinking about?"

“What… I'm thinking of…" I buy time to come up with a lie by taking a long drink of my caf. “Nothing. Just tired."

Nailed it.

“Aww, Tiny," Tyu leans in, her face is so close to mine that I can feel her breathing. “ I know you're lying ."

I go to hide in my caf and discover it's already half gone. Damn, but maybe I could talk to Tyu? “Tyu…We're friends, right?"

“Tiny, duh, I give you a hard time because I care about you! It's my 'love language', 'bestie'." Tyu replies.

I need to stop teaching her human sayings and words. “Can I talk to you about something… serious?"

“Who is it? What did they do, what's their room number? It'll be handled before the end of the day." Tyu's smile is replaced with a huntress' focus and a predator's bloodthirsty glare. “We can make it look like an accident."

“What? No, no, nothing like that. Anyone who doesn't like me tends to just ignore me." I wave my hand through the air. I should probably reprimand her nonchalance about murder, but it's early and it's also not my job.

“Then what's wrong?" Her sisterly smile returns.

“Well… what if I… Ummm… I need more caf!"

Tyu's smile dies again. She observes me and my fight-or-flight kicks in, it's as if I've been ambushed by a predator in the forest. It lasts for barely a second when her grin returns. “Tiny, you have a crush !"

“No! No! I did not say that!"

She gasps. “ Is it Marruk, oh Tiny, he and Kess have their thing going on! Oh no! Is that why you look so sad and nervous?! Jealousy! Tragedy! Didn't you get them together? By the Filament, Tiny, did you not realize your feelings until now?" She drapes herself over me. “We'll find you a nice, big and strong carain, Tiny, I promise. There there, I'll even help! We'll have you strapped to a big fella's chest in no time at all!"

I refuse to ask what that means. “It's not Marruk!" I shout, earning another look from the carain eating on the other side of the room.

“Oh. Then who? Nocce? He might eat you."

“No, Tyu, I–"

“Director Rhoun? He's a real cutie if you ask me, a little shy, though!"

“No, Tyu, hold up."

“Paytr? He's about your size, kind of an ass sometimes, but smart. Oh, it's Mylo!"

“No, Tyu, again I–"

She holds up her paw and I can see her running through the possibilities in her mind. “That just leaves Doctor Senno."

“Yes." I look into my empty cup. “Do you think that's… weird?"

“That you have a crush? No. Why would it be weird?" She says.

“I'm an alien, Tyu, we're not the same species. I don't want… I don't want to make things harder for him, or anyone, than I already have."

Tyu puts a paw on my shoulder. “How long have you had a crush on him?"

“Uhh… For… Maybe, I dunno, at least half a cycle." I reply, but it's been longer than that.

“But, Tucker, didn't you just move out last month? If you like him why–"

“Because I didn't want to make it weird! It was getting harder and harder for me to ignore my feelings and just be friends. I needed space before I messed it up."

“So… Why now?" Her face is gentle and soft, and her voice is quiet.

“I've been feeling a little lonely, I guess. If…" I frown. “If I'm not going home what if I never meet someone, Tyu?"

Tyu hugs me. “Tucker! Aww, my poor puppy! You have to tell Marrowyn! What's the worst that could happen?"

Alien space plague. “He could say no, or think I'm a creep, or hate me."

“I don't know Doctor Senno well, but I can't imagine him hating you." She squeezes me.

I lean into Tyu. “Thank you."

“Tiny, Tucker, if it doesn't go the way you want at least you'll know, right?" She pats my back.

That doesn't mean I'm looking forward to rejection, though.

Tyu's monitor beeps. “Listen, I gotta get going, but if you need to talk about this more let me know, okay?"

“Thanks, Tyu." I wave goodbye and grab a second cup of caf before going about my day. I get into the elevator when I receive a message from Marruk.

Marruk - 'Tucker, meet me at the canteen at the 24th mark. We need to talk.'

I'm sure that has nothing to do with what I just told Tyu, but he'll probably have some good insight. I reply with a smiley face. It'll be good to tell more people, yeah! Come to think of it, I haven't even really told anyone here I'm gay .

Glad that doesn't seem to be something that matters here. I step off the elevator and check what's on my to-do list and set about my day. I end up so busy that I only remember to take lunch when I happen to walk by the cafeteria.

Work is otherwise uneventful, if a little more tiring than usual thanks to my impromptu early-morning run with Tyu. I arrive at the canteen early and grab a soft drink, it tastes like orange soda.

Marruk arrives with Kess in tow right as I sit down.

“Kit," Marruk nods. “I'm grabbing a couple of drinks."

“Tucker. How was work?" Kess asks as they sit.

“Same as ever," I reply. “You?"

“Rhoun is finally giving us some time off," They say. “Thanks for talking to him, Tucker."

“Thank the Heart for that, how are things with you and Marruk coming along?" I wink.

“Don't try and change the subject." Marruk returns with two green glass bottles, the carain have their own cheap beer. Beer for them, anyway, just one nearly puts me on my ass. We learned that one the hard way, and Marrowyn tore into Marruk for it.

He spent the entire next day monitoring my vitals he was so worried. It was kind of sweet, the best hangover I've ever had.

“Tyu told me something very interesting today, Kit," Maruk says.

Kess moves closer to Marruk. “Don't be too hard on him."

“Pfft, I won't." Marruk pops the bottlecap off with a clawed finger and takes a sip. “Listen, Tucker, I'm gonna be serious."

“Okay."

“Ooooh he's serious," Kess leans on Marruk's shoulder and makes a face. "I don't believe you."

“I can be serious," Marruk growls playfully.

Kess laughs. “Yeah? You gonna show me serious sometime?"

"I'll show you serious, just wait," Marruk presses his cheek to Kess'.

Oh boy, here we go again. I watch them get disgusting together, I don't think I could ever be so gross in public! Even if Marrowyn did share my feelings. Like, yeah, we might kiss in the hall or something.

He'd want to hug me whenever he saw me, and yeah I'd humor him. Why not? If Marrowyn were my boyfriend, big if, I'd make sure he knows how much I appreciate him, but never like that .

Unless Marrowyn wanted to. For his sake, yeah, I get the feeling the poor guy's a little bit touch-starved. I shake the thoughts out of my head before I space out and they get lost in whatever that is.

“You needed to talk to me, Marruk?" I ask, raising my voice.

Kess and Marruk separate, both looking more than a little bit embarrassed. “Uh, yes. Is it true?"

“What?" As if I don't know.

“You have feelings for Doc?" Marruk asks.

“...Would that be okay?" I say the words slowly.

“Why wouldn't it be?" Marruk asks. “So do you?"

“Maybe, I dunno." I sink into my seat. “Even if I did, I don't think I could tell him."

“Why?" Marruk sets his bottle down. “He's crazy about you."

Kess nods. “I was fixing something in his lab and he kept asking me if I'd seen you lately, if you looked well, ew."

“He just worries about me, that's all."

They laugh loudly at my denial. “Uhh, Tucker, not sure you noticed but he goes out of his way for you."

“He was so sad when you moved out." Kess says. “We were at Rhouns for game night and Marrow came over, all he talked about was you and how he was sure he did something wrong. He actually drank ."

“Didn't you say he cried?" Marruk adds.

“He did, he was just crushed!" Kess says with a wistful sigh.

“Really?!" My voice is high-pitched and excited, like a schoolgirl. “I hope he wasn't too upset, he said he was okay with me moving, oh, Marrowyn I never meant–" The trap has been sprung, I am helpless. I should never have gotten them together.

Marruk pounces and the sensation of being prey rushes upon me. “'Maybe' you have feelings? Pfft, Kit, you're not fooling anyone!"

“Aww, the humans in love with Marrowyn! That's going to be all over the news." Kess laughs.

I wince at that, I try not to think about how much attention anything I do gets. “I don't want to make trouble for him. I just want to maybe, I dunno, go on a date, try to lead a normal life, meet a nice guy, any guy, not just Marrow, and not be bothered."

“You'll be alright," Marruk says but I don't hear him. I'm too busy spiraling.

“But no, people will keep taking pictures, or videos, and we'll get no privacy ever because I'm the alien trying to date a carain." I laugh. “I wonder how long till people start asking how I am in bed if it's different or better or worse or asking if I'm gross or–"

Marruk stands and moves across the table to sit next to me. “Tucker, listen."

“What?" I say with more hostility than I mean.

“If anyone messes with you or Doc you know we're here, right?" He says.

“Yeah, the whole station loves you, Tucker, you're like our mascot! We wouldn't let anyone mess with you."

I'm sure that was meant as a compliment, but I'm not sure how I feel being the mascot for the station, or anything for that matter. Marruk puts an arm around me and Kess offers a supportive smile.

I've got good friends, and Marruk's closeness encourages me to speak my mind. “I feel lonely, Marruk."

“How so? You spend a lot of time around other carain." Marruk asks.

“I mean like, lonely , uh, this is going to sound weird. Maybe it's just a human thing."

“Humans are weird," Kess says. “At least you're weird."

“Okay, humans are pretty social, usually. I'm not but uh, I miss…Intimacy." I whisper the last word.

“He's turning red, is that normal?" Kess asks Marruk.

“Yeah, he's just embarrassed." Marruk pats my back. “What do you mean by intimacy?"

“Like, I, uh, Void, um" It's like trying to tell your older siblings about how horny you are and how you want to just grab that big, fluffy, mountain of a carain and kiss him hard and deep until he's out of breath. By the Heart that would be nice.

Kess' laughter interrupts my thoughts. “Marruk, he's lonely , he wants intimacy ."

Marruk stares at Kess, and then his jaw drops. “Tucker! I don't need to know that! Agh!"

“Come on, when he said he had feelings for Doc what'd you think? They'd just hold paws?" Kess claps their paws together and makes kissy sounds.

“Kess! I don't want to think about him and Doc–"

“Fucking?" Kess rests their paws in their hands. “I bet you're thinking about it right now, huh, Tucker? How would you even do that?"

“No!" I feel hot and sweaty. “I–I'm not! Yes, I find him attractive but–but that doesn't mean all I think about is sex! I just like him, and this is exactly what I was worried about! People making fun of me, him, us ."

Kess looks like they're about to tease me further, but their ears fall flat and their tail goes still when they look at me. Marruk is the same way. I feel heat rising up my collar and my eyes feel heavy, almost like I'm about to cry.

“Sorry, Tucker. I didn't mean to upset you." Kess says.

Marruk puts his paw on my back again and tries to keep the conversation moving. “Tucker, if you're lonely, why move? Why not stay with Doc?"

“I don't want to make him uncomfortable! No one seems to get that." I reply, my voice is uneven.

“You should tell him that, Tucker." Marruk grabs me by the shoulder and pulls me into his side. “He'll understand, and he'll be glad to know he didn't do something to make you leave."

“Marruk is right," Kess smiles. “For once."

“What if he doesn't? What if he thinks I'm… Creepy? Or he thinks it's gross that another man has feelings for him, an alien man." I can't stand the thought of Marrowyn hating me.

“Tucker," Marruk turns me toward him.

“Yeah?" I sniffle and stare into his eyes.

“Have I told you recently you're fucking stupid?" He says with a loving smile on his face.

What the fuck?!

“You are kind of an idiot." Kess says.

How dare they! They–That's! But! I– I try to conjure anger, but instead, I laugh. “I love you, Marruk."

“Yeah, yeah, don't get snot on my jacket." He hugs me.

“Tucker?" Marruks says.

“Hmmm?"

“Get out, Kess and I have plans. Private plans."

“Pfft, asshole!" I shove off Marruk.

“One more thing," Marruk says. “I'm sending a message to Paytr about running tests in case you and Marrowyn…" He grimaces. “You know."

Great. Paytr. “Thanks."

As I walk away I hear Kess whisper something just a little too loudly. “You think Marrowyn's gonna try and knot–"

“Kess! By the Void! I'm going to lose my–"

I speed up and soon their conversation melts into the noise of the canteen. I try my best to pretend I don't know exactly what Kess is saying, and I try even harder not to imagine it. Just don't think about Marrowyn on top of me.

Nope. Not thinking of it.

His warm, soft belly resting on my back, his huge paws gently running across my skin, his sweet, calming words of encouragement as he climbs on top of me and slowly slid–

“NOPE!" I yelp in the hall on the way to the elevator. I awkwardly smile and wave at two carain.

At least soon I'll be back in my room where I can torture myself with thoughts all I want without making innocent bystanders uncomfortable. I can grab dinner, take a long, hot shower, and maybe practice my Corayn, yeah, that's a plan.

Pawsteps behind me get closer, damn, I was hoping to ride in the elevator alone. When I heard the voice it only makes things worse. “Tucker, forgive me for saying so, but you look terrible."

My back becomes rigid. “Tyr! What a surprise, haha! Yes."

“Are you in some kind of distress? Your skin is red," He places a paw on my forehead. “Hot to the touch, a fever? Should I call for Marrowyn?" When he gets close I notice he's not wearing a lab coat. Huh.

Why in the fuck is Tyr here ?! Now?! I take a deep breath to calm myself. “No. I'm fine, thank you, Professor Senno."

“Mmm." He tilts his head, I don't think he believes me.

Why is the elevator taking so long? But, then again, maybe I could…Fuck it, he's been a lot more chill these last few months, he might have some good advice. “Professor Senno, Tyr, sir?"

“Yes?"

“Can I ask you a personal question?"

He observes me closely before smiling. “Tucker, seeing as your continued safety is one of my responsibilities, and my part in you being here, I think you're entitled to ask me whatever you want."

I inhale. Here we go. “Do you think it would be odd if I pursued a… romantic relationship with a Carain?"

He raises an eyebrow. “That wasn't what I was expecting to hear."

“Sorry, I shouldn't have asked, it's not appropriate–"

“I think it would be stranger if you didn't . I assume humans, like carain, seek intimacy and close relationships, a partner with whom to confide in and share all of life's joys and struggles?" Tyr says.

“Oh. Wow, I wasn't expecting that." Huh, that was romantic, and a killer read.

“May I be so bold as to ask who it is that's got your tail wagging?"

I blush. “I was just asking, uh, hypothetically."

“Then perhaps I may be so bold as to guess?"

“I–"

“Marrowyn has never shown romantic interest in any carain. I can admire his work ethic as a colleague, but as a father, I worry he will never find someone." Tyr says and I feel my heart collapse in on itself. “But you're no carain."

“What?" I'm sure Marrowyn can hear my heartbeat from wherever he is. “Are you… How do you know?

“The way he looks at you, the way you look at each other. It reminds me of…Well, I just know." Tyr gently urges me into the elevator I hadn't even realized arrived. “And he never stops talking about you."

“Thank you, Professor Senno. You have no idea how much of a relief it is to hear that from you." I say, I can feel the stress evaporate from me and gears clunk away in my mind when I get an idea. “May I ask one more question?"

He nods.

“Does Marrowyn have a favorite book?"

I return to my room after an enlightening, if exhausting, day. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined Tyr to be the one who gave me the courage and motivation I needed to confess my feelings to Marrowyn.

While I eat I send messages to some Carain I've become acquainted with through work or other means. If I'm going to do this, I'm doing it right . Marrowyn has taken care of me since I got here. I owe him, and he deserves to be swept off his paws! Is that a saying?

A message appears at the top of my screen.

“Perfect!" This is going to be perfect . It has to be! All of the encouragement from my friends has me fired up. Anxiousness is replaced by excitement and optimism! I take a shower and stop in front of the mirror.

I should do something with my hair. It's longer than I like it, but I'm not sure how I'd change it. I'll figure it out, just another thing on my to-do list. I check my monitor and see a message from Marrowyn.

Marrowyn : Tucker, would you like to join me for breakfast tomorrow?

You don't have to.

Only if you want.

Nevermind. Sorry to bother you.

Poor Marrowyn! Kess was right, I think I upset him more than I thought when I moved, and this morning too. I reply telling him I can't make breakfast, but I'll bring him lunch tomorrow, and that I have a surprise for him.

I sit on the bed next to a bag. I can hardly contain my excitement. I spend the rest of the night scrolling through messages, chatting with Tyu, Marruk, and Kess about my plans. I ask Rhoun if he can help me with something in the morning, to which he quickly agrees.

“Marrowyn Senno," I stare up at the ceiling as butterflies collect in my stomach. “Will you go on a date with me?"

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