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Dawn of Desire

Chapter 5: The Big Questions

Sneak Peek

Donner and Ceil took their time in that cave, going at it for what felt like hours, just riding one high after another. When they were done and managed to clean themselves up in the water with another make out session, they left the cave together. The entire time Ceil felt like he was lighter than air, his afterglow singing in his veins as it burned away an anxiety he didn’t know was there.

“That…that was…lord in heaven, it was amazing,” Ceil chuckled, a blush brushing his cheeks.

“Damn right it was,” Donner smirked. “For a virgin, you sure know how to fuck.”

“Really?” Ceil scratched the back of his head, his tail flicking as pride swelled in his breast. “I just sort of did whatever felt good and…well…is it normal to ask so many questions? I didn’t bother you with that or anything?”

“No,” Donner shook his head as he shouldered his backpack up. “No, not a problem at all. It was actually nice to have someone ask some questions and learn what I like.”

“Like this little spot?” Ceil leaned into the coyote’s neck and gave him a little nip. Donner gave a surprised little yip and moan, his spine tingling as Ceil giggled like a dork. “Sorry, didn’t meant to surprise you like that.”

“Oh fuck, no problem big guy,” Donner’s tail was hiked up and waving back and forth. “I mean, you can do that whenever you want.”

“I mean, sure, but…” Ceil’s face started to burn redder.

“What?” Donner cocked a brow.

“Would…Would you mind if I held your hand?”

“Really?” Donner rolled his eyes with a big grin on his muzzle as he took the lion’s hand in his. “You’re such a dork.”

Ceil’s eyes went wide as he held that hand. He felt a warmth roll up his arm and into his bones. The lion was so touch starved that even after busting three loads into the coyote, holding his hand still felt amazing.

“This good?” Donner asked.

“So good…” Ceil purred.

“You’re such a dork,” Donner chuckled.

“Oh,” Ceil’s grip loosened a bit. “Is that bad?” Even though Ceil got his answer immediately, he still loved the way Donner answered it too.

“No,” Donner squeezed the lion’s hand, pulling him closer so he could lean into his shoulder. “Not a bad thing at all.”

“This is all so surreal,” Ceil smiled as they started the hike back down to campus. “The fact I just know the answers to things kind of blows my mind.”

“Sure,” Donner furrowed his brow. “Though…do you really want it? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love that it’s loosening you up, but…isn’t, like, half of your life built around not knowing the answers to certain questions?”

“What questions?” Ceil’s ears perked up, but for some reason there wasn’t a response in his head.

“Well, like life and death,” Donner pondered. “You’re the most religious guy I know, and your faith stems from a place of ‘not knowing,’ right?”

“I guess so,” Ceil followed Donner, holding his hand. “But if you have this godly power bestowed upon you, then you must know more, right?”

“Honestly, Rapture just gave me the power for setting him free. I don’t even know if he was a god or a demon, but…he was something else entirely.”

“What was he like?”

It was Donner’s time to blush as he remembered how that deity bent him over the table and came these powers right into him.

“He was…well…I don’t know how to describe it. He was so refined, but…he acted like a dirty old man kind of…but he wasn’t gross or anything. He was sweet and tender while also being…firm?”

“I…I don’t understand,” Ceil looked more confused. “So, was he disrespectful?”

“No,” Donner shook his head. “He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to, but he kind of pushed the envelope a bit. It was like…he knew exactly what I wanted at every turn. Honestly, I don’t know if I even agreed to this power or if he just sort of lured me in with my own desires.”

“Did you like him?” Ceil bit the inside of his lip as a sour feeling plucked at his heart strings.

“I mean, yeah, he was a god of desire,” Donner chuckled, looking down and blushing. “He was everything I wanted at the moment. It was…well…rapturous?”

Ceil heard those words and something twinged in his gut. He felt so proud of making the little yote’s toes curl that hearing about someone else who made him shudder with no problems was kind of bruising the small shred of ego he had allowed himself.

The lion paused, Donner stopping mid stride as the hand he was folding his fingers with stopped moving. Donner glanced back and Ceil was taking a deep breath. Donner wanted to peer into his mind, but he held back. He was sure Ceil was working with a lot of thoughts. He didn’t need to make it more complicated.

Ceil imagined his ball of light, the beams scorching away the feeling deep inside of him as he breathed out the imaginary smoke. He knew this feeling, it was jealousy and he wanted nothing to do with it. He took a couple deep breaths and let them out, and though his gut wasn’t soured anymore, he felt a little hole where that feeling was. He simply shook his head, his messy bun on the top of his head bouncing.

“Everything okay Ceil?” Donner asked.

“Oh,” Ceil’s eyes fluttered open. “Oh, yeah, don’t worry about it. I was…I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Of course,” Donner squeezed Ceil’s hand gently, taking his other hand and putting it on top of it to help soothe the lion. “It’s a lot. I know it’s a lot. I don’t even know if I’ve fully processed it.”

“Could...Could we talk more about this later?” Ceil blinked, brushing his thumb over that paw in his hand, butterflies fluttering in his breast at Donner’s warm touch. “I just want to kind of enjoy what we’re doing right now.”

“Sure,” Donner smirked. “I mean, I’ve kind of wanted this for a while now so it’s kind of amazing that it all just fell into place.”

“For sure,” Ceil nodded, his mind swarming with questions. “I mean…does…does this make us something?”

It was Donner’s turn to pause, his heart skipping a beat as he swallowed hard.

“I mean…what do you want it to be…because…well…yeah, what do you want it to be?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never really felt this way about anyone and…it kind of hurts me to see you struggle like that,” Ceil pulled Donner closer, pulling the yote into his arms. “I just…want to be close to you and...stuff…I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”

“How about we take it slow?” Donner murred as he nuzzled into Ceil’s chest.

“I mean…we already had sex,” Ceil blushed. “How slow are we actually taking things? I feel like we skipped right to the end of our story and now I’m looking for the foundation that we were supposed to build first.” Ceil chuckled.

“Well…how about a movie? I live off campus in an apartment. We could always just hang there and see what happens. Any particular movies you like?”

“I…well…is it a sin to watch movies with witchcraft?” Ceil asked and he got his answer. “Well…I’ve always been interested in those magic movies and now that I know it’s okay to watch them…I’m more than a little curious.”

“I’m a fan,” Donner looked up at Ceil. “I have a collection of discs we could play or I have a subscription to some streaming services.”

“So…is this…like a date?” Ceil asked.

“Do you want it to be a date?” Donner answered the question with a question. Ceil felt a little unnerved at that and he cupped the coyote’s muzzle and made him look up into his eyes, those emeralds glittering with uncertainty.

“Do you want it to be a date?” Ceil’s voice was on the verge of breaking. Donner knew that the lion could have any question he desired answered, but he wasn’t asking the universe if Donner wanted to go on a date with Ceil…he was asking him.

“Yes…” Donner squeaked out, a chord of fear making his ribs contract around his heart.

“Good,” Ceil sighed in relief. “I…I would want nothing more.” Ceil leaned forward and placed his lips against the coyote’s. The lion could feel the quiver of Donners chin as he pressed their soft lips together. Donner’s lips parted a hair, Ceil’s did the same. It was a twisting dance of consent as their lips parted and their tongues gingerly found one another. The tender kiss was inquisitive in nature. It was like they had entered the real world again and they were able to finally think. This wasn’t a kiss to ask for sex, but to explore the other, to see what the other wanted, and with every light smack and shudder of breath, they found more of the other person unraveling themselves to the other.

When the kiss finally broke, the two took a moment to simply breathe.

“So,” Donner huffed a little winded, that kiss having taken his breath away. “Tonight?”

“I…yeah,” Ceil smiled his big goofy grin as he chuckled. “Of course. Whatever time works for you. I’ll…I’ll make sure I’m there.”

“Me too,” Donner chuckled.

The two spent the rest of their hike back talking about what movie they wanted to watch. By the time they reached campus they had an entire list of movies for Ceil to catch up on now that he knew he could watch them without divine consequence.

Ceil felt like he had been freed form a great burden as he walked back to his dorm. There was so much he had denied himself simply because he didn’t want to risk his soul to damnation, but now that he had a way of confirming what was and was not a sin, he could live his life…actually live his life without fear of the unknown. He always thought that this world was some massive test of strength, that there was some reason behind it all, but how much of the rules that were set up were made by frightened people not wanting to tempt themselves into sin? How many of these rules were just conceived because they were used for control or domination? How many of the rules actually protected his soul.

None of them…

Ceil paused, his brow furrowing. He knew that some of the rules and decrees the church put out were nonsense, but he just followed them because it wasn’t worth risking his afterlife, but all of them? Even acts of heresy and thievery?

Not a sin…

Ceil’s eyes went wide. He stood stock still in the center of the sidewalk crossroads. Confusion and fear echoed between his mind and heart. Was this voice lying to him?

No lies, just truth. It is what you desire.

Then was he just asking the wrong questions? Did anything he do today hurt his chances at getting into heaven?

No.

Why?

…

Silence. Ceil felt the presence of the power, but it wouldn’t give him an answer. It was like some cruel eye was bearing down on him and refused to tell him what he wanted. Why wouldn’t it answer?

Because you don’t desire the answer.

But I do, I want to know.

No you don’t. A mortal should not know the truths you seek, and you wouldn’t want to know the answers if you were to have them.

Why? Does heaven not exist?

…

“Come on,” Ceil growled under his breath. “Answer me.”

You don’t want to know.

“I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.” Ceil muttered. “Tell me.”

…

“Tell me!” Ceil shouted, a couple people walking by jumped and ran along. Ceil’s heart was pounding. “I demand to know,” he muttered at the end.

…

“What can you tell me then?”

We can either tell you the entire truth, or nothing. You will suffer either way. Either by knowing there is a truth you cannot have, or a truth you wish not to be burdened with.

“How can you tell me?” Ceil pushed past the riddle. “What do I need to ask?”

There was a pause, but this time Ceil could feel the power stirring inside him as though dredging up a treasure that had been lost to the depths of the oceans’ trenches.

Simply ask to see your god.

“You…I can see God?”

Yes, if you ask it, we can show you your god.

Ceil realized the depth of what that question was, how powerful the answer would be. To see the face of God would be...visceral. So many religions depicted God differently, or with many faces, or even with the idea that seeing or depicting his face was a sin above all else. Would it truly be right of him to face his maker prior to his death?

It would be an affront to the natural order, but it is your decision to make.

There it was, the big question. Not just any question, not a major inquiry, but THE BIG QUESTION. Did he dare? Did he dare to look, to jump the line and see God before his time.

“Show me—”

Wam! Ceil was knocked off his feet as someone ran into him. Books and papers went flying in all directions as he fell to the ground with another person on top of him.

“Oh fuck, I’m so sorry Ceil!” A turtle shot out. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“Ouch,” Ceil rubbed his head, having hit it on the cement a bit, but wasn’t any worse for wear. “I…Frank? Is that you?”

“Yeah, so sorry again,” Frank the turtle had already stood up and was offering the lion a hand. Ceil took it, shaking his head as he stood up. It was almost comical that Frank was helping him up with how much shorter he was, but his shell provided a lot of counter weight.

“It’s no big deal,” Ceil smiled. “I was the one who was standing in the middle of the sidewalk,” he chuckled. “I’m going to be fine. I promise.”

“You sure? I got some bandages in my satchel,” Frank offered as he continued picking up his books.

“No, I’m good,” Ceil shot him a thumbs up. “You need any help with those books?”

“No, no, no,” Frank smiled at the lion. “I got this. You just keep on your way for now. See you in prayer group!”

“Yeah, I’ll…I’ll see ya,” Ceil paused before helping the turtle anyway, getting some of his books and papers together before handing them over. “There, I’ll see you soon.”

“Thanks, and sorry again,” Frank beamed him a smile.

“No need, it was my fault,” Ceil said with finality and continued his walk back to the dorms. Suddenly the question he was about to ask felt very distant and not nearly as enticing. Frank gave him a second chance to really think if he wanted to know. For now, he was going to get ready for his night with Donner.

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