FSE

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I remembered very quickly why I didn't like going on walks with Liko. There were two issues. The first, was this town was a fucking shithole and it was hard to build up any kind of interest in wandering the same tired, dusty streets I'd been stuck watching decay my entire life.

The second, was that despite being a tiny raccoon Liko somehow had the stamina of an ox and set a pace that quickly grew tiring. He had this whole spiel about cardio and heart rate and this and that. I wasn't exactly fat and I wasn't exactly fit, but it was exhausting to keep up for the length of time Liko wanted to 'walk' for.

As we passed the park at the centre of town, I called for a break. We were both sweaty, I was breathing heavy through my snout, even my tusks felt humid. I cut my eyes to the forest, my mind full of every man I'd ever fucked within it. “Could do with a longer break." I winked at him.

He returned a polite laugh, like he wanted to acknowledge a joke he didn't find funny. I rubbed my nose. I wasn't joking. We set off again, his brisk pace made conversation sparse. I needed to stop suggesting walks. I was a boar approaching 30 living in a body I'd long mistreated, the only kind of exercise I cared for was in the bedroom.

I felt knackered by the time we finally made our way back to our street.

There was a rhino sitting on the brick fence that lined our building's lawn. I thought nothing of her as we walked by. “Hey are you Davie?" her voice was deep. I stopped in my tracks.

“Yeah?" I cocked my head. “What's up?"

“Thank fuck, been over town looking for you. Your dad gave me your address." She chuckled grimly and kicked a cardboard box beside her. I scowled at the mention of my father. “You knew my uncle. Borris Moore?"

My heart froze in my chest. I nodded mutely, blood rushed to my head. Liko stared up at me, aghast. Outrage boiled behind his eyes. We'd never spoken of the fucker before, but every gay guy in this town knew to look out for Borris.

“He's carked it. Left you this shit." The rhino hopped off of the brick pillar and nudged the box closer to me.

“Dead?" I blinked.

“Good riddance." She snorted. Liko nodded emphatically.

“Yeah." I felt cold dread grow inside me as I stared at the box. “Why'd he leave me…" I trailed off as the rhino shrugged. “What did him in?" I shifted uncomfortably.

“Cancer." She snorted. “Died how he lived." She spat on the ground, I stared in surprise. Even his family knew his reputation.

Liko loosed a bitter laugh. “Too true," he said. “Too true."

“You weren't close to him, were you?" The rhino's words held such a frigid accusation I wasn't sure how to react. I felt Liko's eyes bore into my side.

“No. Not at all." I was embarrassed he'd even left me anything. “Won't miss him." I rolled my shoulders and tried to breathe normally. It was a lot to take in. “What is it?" I stared at the box.

“Fucked if I know, I ain't rooting around his shit." She scoffed. “That's all then, see ya." The rhino turned and took off. I guffawed at her back.

“We need to talk." Liko's voice was thick with guarded emotion.

I heaved in a breath and tucked away the spark of anger his words left in me. “Sure." I picked up the box, it made my skin prickle. My tail hung loose as I made my way inside. There was a coldness within me. All the frustration from the walk had iced up.

The moment we were inside our apartment Liko gave me such a look of disgust. “Borris Moore?" Accusation rode so plainly in his voice.

I stared at him dispassionately. “I dunno what you're thinking." I dumped the box on our kitchen counter. “But I'll gladly tell you the kind of fucked up shit he did to me." I folded my arms and glared down at him. “And all the scars that left."

Liko folded immediately. “Oh." He blinked. “Oh, sweetheart. Sorry." He blinked, distress blossomed on his face. “I don't know why I assumed, I- no, no don't you don't need to tell me." He couldn't stop himself. “Unless you want to." His ear tweaked in curiosity.

I think for anything else, I might've found his curiosity sweet. Like he cared to learn about me. But not this. I grunted. “That scar on my shoulder is one of them," I muttered and wrinkled my nose. Words died on my tongue - most of the scars Borris left weren't physical, but it felt weak to admit that. I kept my mouth shut.

His little paw drifted to the small of my back. “It's okay." He stroked his fingers over my sweaty shirt. “He's gone now."

The platitude pissed me off. He would never be gone from my memories. I blinked and tried to shut those thoughts away but they chased me like starving bloodhounds.

I opened the box, already dreading what I'd find. I lifted the cardboard flaps and cursed under my breath. There was an envelope addressed to me on top of a battered shoebox. I stared. I stared and stared and stared. Blood roared in my ears. The shoebox might as well have been a bullet between my fucking eyes for the way it made me feel. Why. Why this? Liko reached a paw towards it, I slapped him away. “Don't touch it." I spoke low and wary.

“Huh? What's in it?"

How to answer that? Fuck me, memories flashed through my mind. I was drunk–he'd made me drunk. I was young–he'd started me young. He had shown me some pictures once. He tied me up and flicked through a magazine with me another time. There were other memories I'd buried deep and intended to keep that way. Books he'd tried to make me read. Grotesque thoughts surged through me. Disgust. I didn't deserve to have my mind and body dirtied by him. I could feel the scar he'd left on my back like an icicle in my flesh. I shuddered and slammed the flaps of the box down to hide it.

Having seen inside the shoebox felt like it forever put a barrier between me and anyone else. I could never, ever talk about those experiences with anyone lest they judge me for it. Nobody was meant to know I had even spent time with Borris. I didn't like that Liko now knew.

I drew in a long breath. “Nothing good." I exhaled heavily and tried my best to put the memories behind me but they thrashed at me like a school of piranhas as they tore chunks from my confidence. I stood back from the counter and tried to relax but my gaze kept drifting back to the damn box like it was a black hole in the middle of my apartment.

“I need to get rid of it." I was shaking.

“What about the letter?"

I blinked, Liko's bloody curiosity. “There isn't a single fucking word I want to read from him." I trembled but I put some heat into my words. I meant that. I pulled open a drawer in the kitchen, grabbed a box of matches and stamped out of the building. I muttered silent thanks that Liko didn't follow me.

Around the back of our building was a patch of dirt that had worn through the poorly tended lawn. I slammed the box in the centre of it. Fuck me, I was shaking all over. I never ever wanted to think of Borris fucking Moore again.

I stamped down with all my weight on the box and delighted in the sound of cardboard tearing. I glared at the edge of the envelope peeking out from within. I went to grab it. I froze. My brain reacted like I was reaching for a screwdriver to lobotomise myself with. I shuddered and snatched my hand away.

“Fuck you."

I struck a match and dropped it in the box. It didn't seem like enough. I struck three more, then another five. I struck the tenth match so hard the stick cracked. It fell into the box and flared as it touched the growing fire.

“You fucking cunt." I growled the words with vitriol.

As the flames wreathed the envelope, my curiosity peaked. But I didn't rush to save the letter. Let it burn. Let him burn. Let the memory of him burn. I hung my head, my eyes wide as I stared at the fire. The lid of the shoebox caught and burned through. I stared. I don't know the emotion that spread through me as I watched the flames consume the shoebox and all it held.

Relief perhaps? Joy? Shock? Grief? All of that and more. The righteousness was palpable, it felt like by destroying it I'd made the world a little less evil. I took a raspy breath and found tears in my eyes. I let them tumble down my cheeks. I kept staring into the flames until my eyes hurt and the bright spot on my retina coloured the darkness when I blinked.

“You putrid fucking asshole." I spat at the flames. I could smell him in the smoke. I revulsed within my own flesh. “I hope it was painful." I snarled. “I hope you were alone." My own words shamed me, I didn't think I was capable of such contempt. But I stood by it, I truly believed I meant it.

I drew in a deep breath and let the air stream through my lips. I opened my eyes to survey the ashes. Nothing recognisable remained. Good. I grunted. Regret suckerpunched me. I should've read the letter. Fuck me, it was a dead man's last words to me. For all the things he'd done to me, he was also there when I needed him to be. Shame clawed at my throat, I couldn't even bring myself to read whatever it was he wanted to say to me.

I stamped a foot down on the ashes, they scattered in a gentle poof unfitting of the harm he'd caused in his twisted life. I growled under my breath. Every single last choice I ever made always felt like the wrong one. I wanted to scream and rage and punch something over my own ineptitude. And I could. I could tantrum the day away and spurn the only people I had in my life once more.

Or, I could enjoy my time with them and try to forget my pain. It was an easy decision but it was undeniable how much I wished to lean into the other path. I sucked in another breath and tried to calm myself. I knew what I needed.

I loitered for a few moments longer, sucking in breaths until I could steady my hands. Liko was making lunch. I sighed heavily as I shut the door behind me. “We should go clubbing tonight."

Liko paused, halfway through slicing a carrot. “Yeah?" He quirked an eyebrow at me.

I could tell he was about to ask what the occasion was. “I need to go clubbing tonight." I corrected myself.

“Ah." He wrinkled his nose as he thought. “Sure, we can do that." He sounded hesitant, but I knew he appreciated me dragging him back to the club. We always had a good time.

We'd met at the only club in town, Sunset Flower. Specifically, I had pounded him in the club. With one of his friends, Wexly, drooling over my taint. Ever since we started our relationship had been fairly open, and club nights were one of our favourite ways to indulge that.

Amusingly, Sunset Flower was originally more of a strip tease gentlemen's club, but it was 2004. They'd needed to shift more towards thrumming electro and overpriced drinks to try to draw a younger, broader crowd. It existed now as some in between space, both explicit and social. Though it was a small town, there was enough of a gay and lesbian scene to generate enough buzz to pull us all into a more hetero-oriented establishment.

The straights had not exactly been prepared for men and women to start fucking in their respective bathrooms, but they adopted a don't ask don't tell policy so long as we were frequently racking up bar tabs. It wasn't like they were strangers to a bit of something-something happening in the quieter parts of the club.

“Is Wex free?"

Liko chuckled. “Probably, I'll ask them." He licked his lips. “Anything you're after?"

“E could be fun."

“E could be fun," he agreed with a smile.

Wex was our supplier, they weren't a dealer per se. They just always happened to have just the right trick for any occasion and were happy to share in return for favours. Their only rule was that no money could change hands, just in case they got caught.

“I'll see what they're up to." Liko passed the knife to me and I took over lunch prep. The distraction was terribly, terribly welcome even if slicing carrots into rounds left me fantasising about causing grievous bodily harm to a rhino's manhood. I wore a bitter smile as I finished making a salad.

Liko had curled up in a chair by our landline, his knees tucked against his chin as he chattered with Wex. He shot me a knowing wink partway through their call, they were free to go clubbing tonight. I felt myself relax, tonight's distraction was secured.

I busied myself with getting ready. I shed my clothes to shower, caught one whiff of my body and grinned at myself in the mirror. I stank of dried sweat. Usually I wasn't so suggestible, but damn did I smell good. I rubbed a hand over my belly and exhaled in contentment as my cock started to harden. My leathery flesh was interspersed with bristly hair which gathered into a thicker, darker forest over my sternum that caught all the scents of my body. I lifted an arm over my head and craned to snort at my own pit.

The aroma of my body blasted through my skull and tripped some deep, private receptor for comfort. I loved how I stank. I snuffled at my pit and jerked myself, energy buzzed up from within me as I worked my cock. My fat nuts bounced in time with my fist. I swiped a finger in the crease between my crotch and my leg and licked eagerly at the salty, dark flavour of my sweat.

I sighed, where all this excitement had come from I wasn't sure. I had cravings that weren't being met, but I could satisfy myself too. I stooped to raise my ass as I crammed my wet finger into it. A shudder passed through me. It had been too damn long since I'd been railed.

Pleasure thrummed within me as I jerked and fingered myself into a stupor. I grunted and groaned aloud as my asshole clenched tight around my finger and pulsed in time with my heart. I shot rope so hard it splattered across the underside of my sink.

I half-collapsed as I braced myself against the wall and breathed hard in the afterglow. “Fuck," I laughed to myself. I should masturbate more often. I did it plenty already, but I really should just do it more. The self-love it brought me as a lifesaver, especially when I could meet some cravings Liko wouldn't satisfy.

I lay on the bathroom floor for longer than I meant to. The pleasant buzz of the afterglow brought me both satisfaction and a distraction from other thoughts knocking at my skull.

A tap at the door broke the trace. “Will you be much longer?" Liko asked.

“Sorry, yep, just getting in the shower." I groaned as I rose to my feet. My legs and back ached from the walk. The lapse in focus brought harder thoughts surging back. I stared dispassionately at the tiles as I showered, my body on autopilot as my mind bared the brunt of suffering through memories.

I tried to keep myself centred but fuck me, my thoughts were fast and growing faster. I was grinding my teeth as I stepped out of the shower. Fuck Borris and fuck the younger me for being so stupid to give him any of my time.

I smouldered my way through the rest of the afternoon. It wasn't like the last few days of depression, rather it felt like I was in a race to torture myself for doing the things I'd done. I took care not to hide away from Liko in case it distressed him. Regardless, I think he knew I was in some kind of mood. He left me be, but he kept looking my way with his nurse smile.

We met up with Wex on our way to Sunset Flower. They were a short brown otter with a dozen piercings and a dyed plume of vibrant green hair. By their own admission, they were a quintessential faggot and took pride in never quite fitting any other identity label. I felt easier around them- they were a signifier of good times to come.

We hung around the dirty alley that marked the club's back entrance. A closed dumpster sat beside the door, a few cardboard boxes were piled next to it and arranged in such a way to make a private alcove that'd almost certainly see some use later in the night.

I was giddy. I could hear the music thumping out of the basement already. Liko and Wex stood by the dumpster, giggling as they chattered excitedly. Wex reached into the rainbow tie-dye tote bag they carried and produced an unlabelled pill bottle. I shot them a coy grin.

“E, per the big guy's request." They tilted the bottle between thumb and forefinger. The pills danced inside and made me quiver.

“My hero." I rubbed a thick finger under the otter's chin. They cooed at my touch. “I need to brighten up my skull."

“Hah!" Wex snorted. “After Borris-" I tuned out entirely. Liko had told them. Fuck me. Nobody was meant to know. I retreated inside myself and had to fight the urge to glare at my boyfriend. He shouldn't. I wasn't sure what was just said.

I chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah." My voice was flat, Liko tilted his head at me. I did not meet his eyes. We'd have words about what was fine for him to share.

Wex popped the cap of the bottle and stared at me. “I'll give you two if you fuck my mouth in an hour."

The proposition made me raise my eyebrows, but it was exactly the sort of thing I needed to focus my thoughts on the pleasure tonight could hold. It was a bit much, especially after my recent moods and everything that had happened today. But Wex knew how to cheer me up, it was just that ecstasy sometimes left me feeling funny for weeks.

Fuck it. I wasn't planning on living until I was 50 anyways, I'd be 30 soon and that was bad enough. I was already feeling giddy, I took two pills. We stepped inside.

Sunset Flower had recently been re-upholstered. Gone were the dated gentlemen's club fittings, now everything was sleek and dark but accented with neon. I let my gaze rove the crowd, it wasn't a large establishment and it would get busy fast.

Topless serving girls wandered the floor, carrying drinks in plastic cups. They wended carefully through the crowds, chatting with patrons while expertly avoiding the few disgruntled old straight men who'd managed to endure the club's shifting demographic and hung around regardless.

It was an odd space, but that only added to the fun of Sunset Flower. It was all we had in this shithouse town. The three of us drifted about the floor, excitement built within me. The pounding electronica helped dull my thoughts until the drugs hit.

No words could describe how it felt for the night to come alive. Senses elevated, memories blurred as all stimuli elevated again and further still. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I danced, but it wasn't enough to shake the surge of energy I felt. I floated through a crowd, I rode synthetic tunes and bopped to thunderous basslines.

The others around me seemed to merge to my awareness. I caught a smile from a stranger and had to smile back. Whispers of shouted conversation resonated through my mind, two ladies were leaving the club and I felt like a piece of me floated off with them.

I danced still, my body ground up against Liko, against Wex, against women and men I wish I knew better. I had to pee. Someone followed me to the bathroom. Wex, my heart soared. I unzipped my fly, nowhere close to a stall or urinal. They knelt before me, their soft tongue was so warm. Delight buzzed in my fingers and grew to a tempestuous storm that left me moaning and convulsing.

I wrenched their jaw wide and gave them exactly what they wanted. Muscles in my back and thighs ached fiercely as I pounded myself into the otter's throat. They gagged and spluttered, their shuddering moans only urged me on harder and harder and harder. Time separated from the actions I took, each thrust could've been minutes and the world devolved into a thrusting, retching ball of pleasure that burst in a cacophony.

I swear I heard my cumshot splatter against the back of their throat.

I pulled them to their feet, cum and spit painted their muzzle. Liko was there. I kissed him while a doe with fat tits and a cock ate his ass.

The walk back to the dance floor felt exhausting, like it took weeks to pass the dimly lit corridor. There was an odour that reminded me of a cave at first, and then a forest floor. I had my eyes closed as I grinned over a precious forest memory. Fey, a school friend who'd taken my virginity. I could feel his gentle arms around me, he used to hug me in a way that was so tender, so warming. He was the best hugger I'd ever known. I longed then to know how he was. I'd welcome another Fey hug.

And then the pounding music was close once more and I danced. The night moved in a senseless blur that robbed me of my capacity to think of anything else until Liko tugged my arm. “We should go," he shouted over the music. I shook my head.

“He had two." Wex was laughing, I laughed too. At least two moments passed as they conferred, their whispers lost to the music.

“Have fun." Liko called again, and then he was gone and Wex with him. My heart ached to lose them in the midst of such a night, but I danced to forgive them. I had a pounding headache, I went to the bar for some water but ended up with a mojito instead. I sat on a stool and panted over the highball glass it was served in. It was refreshing, it was cooling. My shirt was plastered to my back with sweat. I ordered another.

A lynx dropped into the seat beside me, he looked tired. I stared at him and smiled, he smiled back and warmth flushed through me. Cats always did something to me. My pants tightened, I tried to ignore it. I wasn't supposed to do anything if Liko wasn't here.

“Whatcha doing later?" he asked.

“Nothing." The insinuation forced me to grin. He read it as eagerness, he grinned right back.

“Whatcha doing now?" Oh he was, uh, forward. The kind of forward I liked, I wanted to skip the bullshit. I could've pounced him right then and there. Instead I gulped. Don't do that, but I didn't want to push him away either. He was far too cute and into me for my ego to let him go.

“Buying you a drink." I fished a note out of my pocket and he leant on his elbows over the bar with a grin, he watched my eyes as my gaze drifted from his face to his ass. He lifted a paw to my arm and stroked me affectionately.

“I like it when a man knows all the right words."

A grin cracked my face, but caution welled up within me. I was too out of it to be making any decisions about where I'd wake up tomorrow. At the same time, I was too into him and high to put up a wall between us. So I didn't. I played the game I shouldn't play. We laughed together. We drunk together.

And in the span of an hour, I felt we were soulmates. Though we only spoke of things on the surface, I felt I connected with him somewhere infinitely deeper.

And when he followed me outside of the club, reality tried to catch up to me.

I was so god damned horny for this stranger. But Liko wasn't here.

I just… I wanted to bust a load, maybe multiple– definitely multiple over this cat.

We stood in the alley outside of Sunset Flower. He wore a coy look as he met my eyes in the grungy light. “So how big are you?"

I gave him a filthy grin. “Ten inches."

His eyes widened for a moment, a muscle in my stomach tensed in excitement. “I can take that, probably." He stepped closer to me, his crotch brushed my leg and I could feel how hard he was too. “You can come back to mine and lose some sleep."

I laughed nervously.

My mind burned. I wanted to snatch him by the chin tufts and slam my cock into his throat. I wanted to grip his stubby tail in a hand and yank him onto me. I'd never been with a lynx before, I was salivating. Would he purr for me? My brain tingled and my cock throbbed. I wanted him to purr for me, fuck, I'd make him purr. I'd do anything to feel him vibrating around my cock. Would he gag or would he take me? Either possibility seemed hotter than the other each moment.

It hurt to strain against my underwear. The bulge at my crotch was painfully obvious, it felt good the way it pressed against his chest. I wanted to fuck him and I wanted to fuck him now. I wasn't above rutting a stranger in an alleyway.

The alcove beside the dumpster looked awfully inviting.

But Liko wasn't here. Guilt skewered me, I made a throaty sound and considered kissing the lynx. It didn't matter. Those mojitos were hitting. I was coming down. I wanted some comfort and this lynx had all but given himself to me.

Rules were rules. The lynx rubbed right up against me, I could feel his excitement through his clothes. His paw brushed the front of my pants. My knees were weak, my undies were slick with pre. I let him stand on the tips of his toes to kiss my neck. An impulse rose within me to swat him away.

My hand cupped his neck instead. The sensation of his pulse against my palm sent urgent fantasies streaming through my mind. I wrestled with myself. I either was going to do it, or I wasn't. And I wanted it. Oh I wanted it so bad I'd gladly welcome whatever consequence I deserved. I dipped my head down towards him. He grinned as he felt my breath against his face.

I could just forget. Blame the drugs. Blame the alcohol. Liko and I had made an agreement, one we'd reinforced. No sex with others if both of us aren't present. But I could just forget and do it anyways. My jaw ached at the possibility, my cock throbbed hard. I'd be blameless if I forgot and took what I wanted.

Don't cheat. The thought echoed almost violently through my skull. I stared at the lynx, my heart was torn but my cock pointed at exactly what it wanted. His paw slunk lower down my back.

My mind frayed at the edges, he poked a finger past the top of my pants. I nearly jolted.

I felt nauseous. “Sorry, can't do it." I wrenched myself away and ground a palm against my forehead. Guilt resounded through me. I'd led him on. His eyebrows rose in surprise and for a drawn out moment he just stared at me. My heart fell. The fact that such a careless, cruel thought even came to mind shamed me. I knew what pain I'd bring down on Liko's head if I dared follow through.

…hadn't I already followed through too far? We never should've wound up here like this.

“Yeah?" He cocked his head, a sour expression on his face. “Why's that?"

I just shook my head and shrugged, but that wasn't an answer he'd take. “I have a boyfriend," I mumbled. He snorted.

“Aight." He clicked his tongue, spun towards the door of the club and went back inside. He didn't seem too bothered. I felt like I'd just caved my skull in with an icepick. What the fuck was wrong with me? How could I let it go that far?

Should I have let it go further? Would Liko mind? Would Liko even know? That lynx had a tight ass and-

I cut the thoughts there. I bit my own tongue so hard I feared I was about to draw blood. I stared, miserable and anxious at the door of the club. And I walked away. I never wanted to come back here.

No matter how bad I wanted it, I couldn't do that to Liko. I didn't want to contaminate our relationship. A second shot of guilt flared through me, this one pre-emptive. Because I would've cheated. I would've been that asshole I feared I'd become. I knew I was capable of it.

I made my way home. Alone. The world was dizzy and a fog was drawing in. It seemed almost preferable to dive in front of an oncoming car than process what just happened. I wasn't like that. I loved Liko, truly I did. It just, I dunno. The lynx was there, my boyfriend wasn't. The lynx felt close, with Liko it felt like the distance was widening. I just… I shuddered over the joy I felt in the moment. I really was disgusting.

Borris seeped through my mind. Even the memory of him sent me reeling. What had he done to me? Was I poisoned forever?

Why was it always like this? I had just started feeling better from my slump as well, now I wanted to gnaw my own arm off. I rubbed my own nose in what I'd almost done. How dare I. That lynx was just another warm body, hardly different to any other. Fuck me, I could've gone home and railed my boyfriend instead.

I checked in on Liko when I got home. He was in bed sound asleep, he'd even had the foresight to leave a full glass of water on both our bedside tables. He was good to me, I could never be good enough for him.

I stepped backwards from the bedroom and inched the door mostly shut. I hardly breathed as I tiptoed to the lounge room.

I slid my pants down as I sat on the couch. I shut my eyes and slowly wrapped my hand around my cock. A smile tugged at my lips as I imagined the lynx's face between my thighs. His wet nose bumped against my shaft. His coarse tongue dragged across my nuts. I could envision him down there, rubbing his face into me and marking himself with my pre.

Would it hurt if I yanked him by the tufts? Yeah. But he'd claw me in revenge, he liked hurting me because I'd arc up and get even rougher.

And he wanted me rough. He wanted me wild. He wanted me to fuck his tight hole so hard my balls bruised his taint. Then I'd shove my cock in his face and he'd lick me clean and nuzzle my sweaty nuts. He'd lick my ass like a good cat until I was hard and dripping for a second round. I'd slap his stupid face until he was dizzy and begging for my cock, and only then I'd plant a second load in his ass. I'd dig it out of him with fingers and feed it to him.

Then he'd lick me clean. Fuck. He'd do anything Liko wouldn't and he'd love it so much he'd do it without me asking. My cock throbbed so hard pre spattered across my chest. How many times could I fuck him before he'd had enough? How filthy could I make him with my seed and sweat before he broke? How desperately would he want me to own him?

I liked that I'd bought him drinks. I wanted to get him drunk and useless.

Fantasies boiled through my head, I was deliriously caught between ecstasy, lust and booze. Had it been minutes? Seconds? An hour? My arm hurt as I lay there panting. Fireworks burst through my mind in resounding booms that left me catatonic. I stared cross-eyed at my lap for fuck knows how long.

I had to wipe cum off of the couch, I'd shot over my shoulder.

I took a heavy breath, finished cleaning up and put myself to bed. My mind felt dirty. Tainted. I wasn't exactly sure if I had cheated, but what I'd done didn't feel much different. I dragged Liko into my arms and cradled him. I was so utterly exhausted but it still took me hours to fall asleep.

My thoughts rested on tenterhooks.

The morning brought no peace. Last night burned in my skull. My desire was problematic. I couldn't deny I had wanted to fuck that lynx, couldn't deny I had come very close to doing so. I couldn't deny I felt more energised by my own fantasising than I had about Liko in a while. I felt guilty acknowledging that, it jarred me emotionally.

I was a bit distant the following days and Liko prompted me once more to see a shrink. He espoused the benefits, he asked me if I'd like to know what was going on with myself. He mumbled about how it'd make him more comfortable. I spoke the same points of denial I had before.

He broke up with me.

I should've fucked that damn lynx.

But I did, a month later. I went back to that club, and I found him at the bar. The thought surged through me and I swooped in with gusto. There were no hurdles now. I was sober but I felt more energised than if I'd taken something. I took him in the bathroom. He took me home. I took him in his bed. He took me to lunch.

Within 24 hours, I loved him. I loved him utterly. I loved him desperately. I loved him ceaselessly. He was in my thoughts, beating in my heart. I was right on the money when I felt like he'd be my soulmate that first night. It was a crush the likes of which I'd never felt. It was overwhelming. And he didn't feel the same, at first. I knew my feelings were intense, a resplendent gilded surging set of emotions I could never discern truly. I hid my feelings. I hid them for months. He thought me excitable, the closer we grew together. He didn't even know the half of it. I dreamt of a future with him. Of every future. Anything we could be, I wanted it so long as it was with him.

And the sex. Fuck me, the sex hit like nothing else could. My original fantasies weren't entirely off of the mark, he was a freak just like me and we indulged ourselves frequently. Sex was the featured activity in our relationship, it was almost impossible to keep our clothes on around each other. Any position, any kink, any time. His libido was just as excitable as mine, it brought a completeness to my life that seemed impossible.

There were days we couldn't even get out of bed until after a third round.

And then one day, I woke up to myself. I remember staring at the ceiling, his dingy bedroom was a mess. Clothes strewn everywhere, but not because of me. He just lived like that. I got up while he was still resting. My back ached from fucking him standing. I walked out to his tinny little kitchen, the view from his window looked down into a backstreet that never saw a drop of sunlight. I'd never noticed how filthy his place was.

He didn't have a job, that was fine except he had no motivation to make any kind of living. He got by off of a meagre inheritance from his grandparents, it wouldn't last. I didn't earn much but we managed. I just, I dunno. I blinked and I took it all in. How did I end up here? He wouldn't get out of bed until the afternoon. Mostly that didn't bother me, I could find something else to entertain me. But I think I wanted some company. My heart beat funny in my chest. He had hardly introduced me to his friends. The thought crossed my mind, was he ashamed of me?

We'd started calling each other boyfriend a month ago. I took a deep breath. I loved him, I knew I did, but that infinite spring of energy I could tap only hours ago had gone dry. I think I wanted to do something nice with my boyfriend but he'd grouch at me for trying to wake him. Our sleep schedules were not at all aligned, never had been and never would be.

Mmm. But I loved him, so, we'd make it work.

We didn't.

Our relationship fell apart in a four month spiral of disappointment, sex and anxiety that left me so robbed of spirit and motivation that I almost lost my job. I think that could've been the last domino, I didn't have it in me to endure another job hunt.

I knew exactly where my thoughts were at during that period of my life. My estimations of myself fell so sharply I wondered if I'd even see the other side of 30. Instead, I closed myself off and found solace in being the boring tradie I used to fear I'd become.

Funny, the things we accept to make peace with ourselves.