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“Something about you makes me feel hectic"

E^ST,

' Talk Deep'

“Surprise!" Eve throws her arms wide as I approach, a massive grin blooming across her face.

While I was expecting her and hoping for Feather - who would otherwise be all I had eyes for, dressed especially fem today in a skirt and crop top - it is the two unexpected guests standing beside them that steal the show.

As frustrating as it is to admit, Kale has retained those effortless good looks of his. There's a hint more bulk to the wolf now, but it has done nothing to hide his jawline nor any of his other artisinally carved features. Wearing a sleek watch and a crisp blue shirt with the top two buttons undone above slim black jeans and well-kept black sneakers, he has apparently taken steps to overcome his slacker dress sense. That, or seeing me counts as a special occasion. For all that has changed since I last saw him, he still wears that same easy, self-assured grin which never fails to melt me, the one that says without saying that he could have anyone he wants in any given room and that if he picks you, you're in for a night to remember. It could be my imagination but I also sense a tension at the corners of his lips, in his too-straight stance, a certain stiffness to him that creaks with suppressed anxiety. I can think of a dozen explanations, foremost among them being those mirroring my own apprehensions: it's been a long time since last we met and when we did, we parted ways in frustration, disappointment and fear. If now we are guarded, cautious, scared, it's only natural.

And there, beside him, stands Adrian. Once a gym twink, the fox is noticeably curvier than he used to be, sporting a fuller face and less definition all over. Still, calling him fat would be harsh, he's not a particularly big guy, just not not the twig he used to be. His fur is two-tone white and a bright rusted orange, his hair a shock of deep red. He's as well-kept and pristine as ever, ears glimmering with an array of golden earrings. A pretty boy to be sure, no matter the size. He's dressed in a teal tank that accentuates the soft curvature of his no-longer-fit frame. As far as I can judge, he is serene as anything hanging off of Kale's arm, waving at me, but I never knew him all that well. I'm not so sure that I can read him.

In an instant I take all of this in and, letting go of my luggage, throw my arms as open as Eve's. “Oh my god!" I'm all camp and excited, channeling anxiety into enthusiasm. “I've got my very own welcoming committee."

Eve and Feather gang up on me for a group hug, after which I offer the same to Adrian and Kale like it's nothing, like we're old friends reuniting. I don't know what we are exactly, but the term 'friend' doesn't feel quite right for either of them. Regardless, we act out our charade and I shove my surprise and discomfort aside to emulate my best self. I've been prepared for this for weeks and while I didn't expect to come face to face with these two quite so soon, beneath the paper-thin internal panic I know that I am ready.

“I'm so glad you came early," Adrian says. “You're gonna be great fun at the bachelor parties."

“You're looking good Ash," Kale says with a growing smirk. “I see joining us in your thirties hasn't stolen the vim from you yet."

“'Yet', exactly. Give me another month and I might shrivel up and start walking with a cane." I flash my teeth. “It's great to see you both. I had no idea you'd be here!"

They exchange a glance. “Turned out we were both free and wanted to see you, so we thought 'why the hell not?'" Adrian explains.

“You came all the way out here just to see me? That's so sweet. Are you coming back to Eve's too?"

“It's only a short drive," Kale says, waving away my concern. “And, yes! If you're up for it. Don't worry, we won't stay too long, we don't want to crowd you. I know you'll want to settle in and relax sooner than later. Oh and, before I forget, we wanted to invite you to dinner tomorrow. We're having a few friends over who'll be at the parties, it'll be a great chance for you to get to know one another."

“Plus it's a good excuse for us to spend more time with you. You're welcome over as early as you like, by the way. Since it'll be Saturday we'll only be lounging around waiting regardless. Come over after lunch if you want and we can have some time alone before the rest of the guests arrive." Adrian pats my paw as he says this, beaming, coming off a smidgen cloying. It half feels like I'm being picked out by an open couple in need of a third, half like I'm being groomed by a pair of serial killers.

No, no. It's not that bad. The offer is kind and I should take it as the straightforward and good-natured proposition it almost certainly is. Almost certainly.

I tell them I'll be there, but that we can figure out the details later, then I turn to Eve, to Feather, and find that I can't hold back any longer. I offer my paws to the squirrel and their eyes meet mine as they take my paws in theirs. I think I have something to say, but when I open my maw I just sort of laugh, avoid eye contact and squeeze.

“I missed you," they say, and I melt into their words. As much as I feared this entire excursion, all the worry has been worth it for this.

I was expecting seismic activity on landing, some ground-shattering event that would plunge my life into drama and chaos, but so far my experience has been nothing short of pleasant. I won't pretend I'm not still waiting for the penny to drop.

“Missed you too." I examine my shoes, all bashful as Eve and Adrian coo and aww over us.

A flurry of movement follows, interspersed with small talk. All the things I want to say to Feather stay stuck in my head as I yearn in silence for privacy. What I get instead is a crowd. Still, the unexpected appearance of Adrian and Kale has given me a prime opportunity to make nice. Best case scenario we get along great and all of my anxieties prove unfounded. For today, if no other day, why not try optimism?

In the car I sit up front with Eve, Feather behind me. Adrian and Kale are taking their own vehicle. The ferret chirps and chatters about how things have been since I last saw her, tells me I'm looking good, that I've lost weight, that she's so happy to have me here. She asks how things have been with me, I give her boilerplate truths, using my instincts to approximate charisma. I notice Feather's relative quiet as they give the two of us space to catch up, but I'm barely even in the conversation; I'm pining to hold that squirrel's paws again, to talk to them about us, about everything.

A few blocks later I slip out of body, watch myself wheedle my way through a conversation I'm not paying attention to, and ask: what the fuck is wrong with me? How did I let Eve become the static? Only months ago the very thought of her visit was enough to cut through. She gave me something to look forward to, to be thankful for. Now I'm barely even registering her presence.

I straighten my back and roll my shoulders, forcing myself to life. What am I doing? This is no time to get lost in obsession or ether. I am here, now, with one of my closest friends. I turn to Eve, see the bitten bottom lip, the frequent flickering of her eyelids. She's as anxious as I am. How did I miss that?

I take advantage of a conversational lull to say: “long day of travel, but it's been worth it to see you again."

The bitten lip becomes a grin. I let myself relax some. Outside, the city's outskirts rush past and give way to the city proper, territory more familiar. Every block offers a shot and chaser of nostalgia, starting with a spark of warmth, quickly followed by a shard of ice. Eve's home is on the opposite side of the city: that's where we're going, and that was where I... That was where it happened.

I'm gripping my legs too tight, staring out at streets from a past life and filling them with ghosts. There goes a memory, there goes a friend I left behind and never once reached out to. It's not like I didn't know that this was going to happen. Eve checked in to make sure I'd be okay in the weeks leading up, she told me she took out her dining room entirely, had it redone. The room in which I took a life. There was so much blood. I can feel it now, its warmth, spraying across my face. I said I would be fine. I think mostly I tried not to think about it.

Eve is saying something to me, and now she's done. I don't know what it was, I can't even hazard a guess. Clearing my throat I look at her and force a smile. “Sorry, I totally blanked. I- I'm a bit out of it."

“Don't sweat it. Travel can be a real bitch." She seems unperturbed.

“It's not just the travel, it's... it's being here. It's stranger than I'd thought."

She nods, frowning at the road as she takes a turn. “If it's too much for you..."

“It won't be," I say with unwarranted abruptness. “I'll make it work," I twist to catch Feather's eye. “It's worth it: being here, with both of you. It's worth it." I wonder how obvious it is that I'm trying to convince myself. “It's going to take a day or two for me to settle in, that's all." It might even be true.

Needing distraction I prod each of them for further details of their time since visiting Canada, then sink into my seat as I listen to tales of love and poetry that warm me, rev my stalled heart and remind me of where I am and who I'm with and how much I care for them. All too soon Eve is pulling into her driveway. Kale and Adrian pull up about twenty seconds later while Eve is wrestling with keys at her front door. I'm stood behind her, clenching and unclenching my paws, my last visit to this house on repeat in my mind in vivid, gory detail. The exterior of her home, unchanged by those events, has been little altered in the intervening years.

Feather hooks their arm around mine, looks up at me and says: “I'm here."

They don't try and tell me it will all be okay, they don't assume any of this is too much for me, they don't imply that maybe I'd be better off if I hadn't come - not that Eve had an ounce of malice in her heart when she said what she said, but - all they say is I'm here. It's enough to make my heart rate slow. I lean and touch my nose to theirs.

Kale makes some comment from behind me about how cute the two of us are but I don't acknowledge it, nor even turn. Instead I follow Eve inside, Feather's arm locked securely in mine.

The moment I step in I can tell that the entrance hall has been redecorated and re-arranged since I was last here, it helps, but with little hesitation some self-destructive compulsion causes me to make a beeline for the dining room. Eve frowns and cocks her head at the sight of my buzzing advance, thinks better of questioning me and instead leads the way.

When she told me the room had been redone she wasn't kidding. Indeed, the entire dining room and kitchen as they once were have been torn out and replaced entirely. New flooring, new furniture, new fixtures, new paint job. Even the wall between the two has been knocked through, making it feel like an entirely new space. This is where I killed Marty. Right here. And yet that statement of fact doesn't ring true. Perhaps this transformative revivification is nothing more than a psychological trick, but it works. My stiffened tail softens into an unhurried wag.

“Looks great Eve."

She nods, an entire unspoken conversation passing between us in a gesture. When Kale and Adrian have caught up she offers drinks, various forms of liquor for most of us and soda for anyone planning to drive. I ask after Jay, and Eve lets me know he had to stay late at work to finish up a project: “which he isn't happy about. I know how excited he's been to see you."

The rest of us fall into conversation as Eve breaks out the chips and dips, most of our talk revolving around the upcoming parties and wedding. Apart from that I get a lot of questions about how I've been, how my birthday went - happy thirtieth by the way - small talk and small kindnesses. It's nice - it is - but my heart rattles in my chest, hammering out an erratic drum beat of anxiety and anticipation. What I want is to sit alone in a room and recenter myself, and to hold Feather's paws and kiss them, and to sit with Eve and vent to her my every worry, and to know exactly what is on Adrian and Kale's minds and to be able to solve any issues they have with a single sentence each. What I want is to lie next to Saph and watch sci-fi cuddled up in quiet, knowing that we are there for one another no matter what. My paw slides into my pocket without permission, thumbing at my phone while I think of my roommate. I spoke to her this morning and now I'm further from her than I've been since we met, it feels wrong. This, here, is nice, but it's too much.

I make a show of yawning, checking the time at irregular intervals as we chat and drink, making the odd comment about how tiring travel is. Adrian gives Kale that lovers' glance which screams 'we're overstaying our welcome' and Kale is soon making the polite kind of preparatory comments needed to facilitate their exit. Inwardly I cheer at my minor feat of social engineering when the front door opens and ruins my plans.

Jay strides in, all confidence and cheer, wearing a crisp white shirt still tucked into his pants with several more buttons undone than would be appropriate for the office. His athletic build is on full display in his well-fitting workwear, giving him the impression of a model stepping out of an ad campaign.

“Ash!" he exclaims on approach. I stand to greet him and before I know it I'm in his arms with his cheek pressed to mine. I lean into the hug, and with my muzzle hanging over his shoulder I spot his eager, wagging tail below and let out a jagged laugh, immediately less upset by his intrusion. He holds me a beat longer and a touch tighter than expected and when, in the end, we come apart a warmth lingers in me. My salacious mind wonders whether he really missed me, or my mouth.

His arrival re-ignites the conversation as we relay the best bits until he's all caught up, fifteen minutes later. Close to too much becomes too much. I excuse myself to the restroom and, sitting on the toilet lid in a daze, I stare at the floor. My head is buzzing, my heart thumping, my throat dry. I fish out my phone and go through all the texts I've received from Saph. It takes no more than reading her words and subvocalizing them in her voice, to reacquaint myself with some degree of calm. My paws only shake a little as I type out my response, letting her know I miss her already and that I'll call her as soon as I can, tho I dunno when that'll be ':3

Back with the group I make nice until Kale and Adrian remember they were on their way out and, finally, leave - though not without reminding me that I'm invited over tomorrow.

“I can come pick you up whenever," Adrian says, paw on my shoulder, his golden eyes wide and piercing. “Just text."

His stare feels pointed in a way I can't quite interpret, but before I can come up with a response he's backing away.

“I'll text," I blurt out, compelled to speech in the wake of such strange intensity.

At long last the two of them leave and, within minutes - before I can even get my bearings - Feather announces their own departure. It takes only a second to remember that they don't actually live with Jay and Eve, but it's a painful one. They share a smooch with each of their lovers and head to the front door. I follow, and am surprised to find neither Eve nor Jay accompanying me.

“Going so soon?" I ask.

They laugh. “we've been hanging out all day, it's getting late."

The self-evident truth of their words is at odds with my lived experience. “So why does it feel like I haven't spent any time with you at all?"

They take hold of each of my paws and wear their signature buck-toothed grin, their huge tail gently, and with all due care, swaying from side to side. “You're silly."

“I'm silly?"

“I had a great time being around you, watching you catch up with all of your friends. There's no need to rush into things the very night of your arrival. What did I say about taking things slow?"

“You told me it's a good idea."

They lean forward and land a brief, tender kiss on my lips. My ears flatten against my head, the embarrassing tell-all shyness of a puppy. I lean in for another kiss then hesitate, expecting a rebuke, none comes. I return the peck, their lips part and mine follow. They offer the barest hint of their tongue, sweet as I expected, yet bearing the residual heaviness of a habitual smoker. The taste of them is enough to draw out a shiver, a passing vibration of exultation.

“How about this, eager pup? If you don't stay at Kale and Adrian's too late tomorrow, come to mine after."

Heat flushes through my cheeks, there's a giddy pounding in my chest. I nod, eager as they claim, like a cartoon character whose emotions are writ so large they become impossible to misinterpret. “I'll be there."

They place a paw on my chest, nuzzle down the length of my muzzle and whisper in my ear: “you better be."

I risk a paw on their side, slide it down to their hip, pull them in, squeeze. “Careful, once I'm there, I might want to stay."

The warmth of their breath teases at my ear. “Play your cards right and I might keep you around as a bed warmer."

There's an instant tightness in my pants. I want to pin them against the wall and kiss them over and over while I tear off their clothes. Instead they leave me like that, stammering and stunned, with only a wink, a single wave of their paw, and a closed door.

Half an hour later I've not only excused myself from Jay and Eve to ostensibly make a start on unpacking my luggage in the guest room - and actually made some headway - but have also painted my belly whiter than it already was with help of Feather's OnlyFur, though I barely even needed it, their words alone were near enough to push me over the edge. I hop into the en suite, clean up, then lie on top of the unfamiliar bed, staring at the ceiling for five minutes before heading back down.

I really am tired, but Eve reminds me we haven't eaten yet so Jay drives us out to get burritos. Other than the recurrent creeping chill that runs down my spine, the tension in my shoulders, a shadow, a memory manifesting in my periphery on every passing street corner, I manage to have a decent enough time. Jay gets flirty and I play the game a little, but yawn enough to convey my inability at getting up to much of anything else today.

When we return home I head to the guest room within minutes and resume staring at the ceiling. For all of my fear and excitement regarding tomorrow's plans, all I can think about is how lost I feel without Saph. It's late enough that she might not be awake, but I text her. She responds in seconds. I call her.

“Ash! I've missed you," she says the moment she picks up.

I laugh, but I can't help matching her sincerity: “I've missed you too."

“How has it been? How are you feeling?"

“Kale and Adrian were at the airport."

“Ooh, yeah?"

“Yeah, but nothing really happened. They came back to Eve's to hang but all we did is catch up and shoot the shit." I shrug at shadows.

“And you were so anxious about those two!"

“I know, I know. I still am a bit. But, the highlight so far: I got to kiss Feather again. It's been-"

She squeaks. “Hey, look at you go girl!"

“Yes, I'm slaying, obviously. But, what I was about to say is: it's been such a good day, so why has my ass been wasting it disassociating? Like I'm there in the middle of any given moment, the center of the room, shotgun in the car, listening, talking, laughing and just, half of me isn't present. I know I should be happier to be here but, it's been hard."

“I hear you," she says, soft spoken. It's a simple sentiment but it means enough.

“I knew it would happen but, memories of this place have been flooding back. When I'm outside they're everywhere, it's like they're crushing in on me from all sides. It's as if there's no room left in me for new experiences with all this emotional baggage crowding the place. Does that make any sense at all?"

“It does. You left that city for good reason, I'm not surprised it's tough going back." An intake of breath, a pause. “Do you regret flying down?"

“No." I'm almost too quick to answer. “No. I think maybe this was necessary. You know there's that old adage about facing your fears, confronting your trauma, that sort of thing? Maybe I can heal here, maybe all of this will help in the end. I hope so."

“Me too." An exhalation, a more protracted silence. I can see her on the ceiling, phone pressed tight to her ear, biting her lip. “I can barely wait to join you. It'll be weird not being around you for a while."

“It will. Eve can barely wait for you either, by the way."

“Yeah?"

“She asked after you specifically, then mentioned you in conversation at least four times," I say, recalling chatter that had all but passed through me as it happened, working it back into something more solid, crafting a new reality in this strange place that has leaped out from memory and into my life. Turns out three years are both a blink, and an eternity.

I close my eyes and focus on Saph, imagining her beside me as she talks. Her voice is a balm. I hug a blanket and pretend that it's her.