FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I had to be the only adult left free on Earth. At least, in the Northern Hemisphere.

The previous time there was still power to my remote log cabin, I'd heard that Brazil and Chile's armed forces combined together to stop the approaching invaders, and South Africa completed its defensive northern wall while Australia continued accepting refugees. China would fall any day now. India recently fell once the Himalayan Mountains were conquered. All of it was depressing to hear. What made it all worse was the date. Christmas Eve.

I imagined being back home, in Wisconsin, on a normal Christmas night. The snow flurries would be striking my workplace's parking lot after the boss approved us all to go home early. My parents would have a classic holiday movie playing in the background, my siblings would help them prepare dinner, and then we'd all be eager to sit down and eat, followed by an evening opening presents while wearing pajamas. Those moments were gone, now.

Click. “—celebrate December with a twenty-four-hour Hallmark movie marathon—"

Click. “—viral video going around showing a large group of teenagers harassing and physically assaulting a shopping center Santa Claus. Police have already charged the teenagers allegedly responsible—"

Click. “—been a full week since Black Friday, and several dozen malls are still recovering from the damages and deaths caused by rioting and frantic customers looking to buy the best items on discount—"

Click. “—check out this inspirational story about a poor—pardon me, I meant to say 'financially struggling'—family of five living out of their trailer. After making an online post on GoFundMe explaining that their landlord tripled their monthly rent, thousands of charitable souls donated—"

Click. “Get the toy that's hot on the shelves and harder to find—"

Click. “Hundreds of protesters gathered outside dozens of post office locations after the USPS released a statement explaining delays due to an influx of packages that are estimated to be more than quadrupled what was delivered during last year. However, due to traffic gridlocks and supply chains stalling, expect your Christmas presents to show up—"

Click. “—a flash mob of shoplifters targeted a downtown Macy's store, taking everything from electronics to houseware appliances and clothing, even targeting the donation boxes for several charities. Macy's officials have responded to this by sayin to they will increase security and raise prices—"

Click. “Record-breaking sales across major retail stores—"

Click. “—brawling shoppers in the children's aisles—"

Click. “A new viral trend on TikTok where parents 'cancel Christmas' for their naughty kids is drawing criticism from—"

Click. “—major and sudden polar vortex is sweeping across the northern US and almost all of Canada. Temperatures are expected to reach below zero and authorities are strongly urging people to remain indoors—"

Click. “—in chaos! Major highways and roads remain inaccessible due to unprecedented Icefall and dropping temperatures that continue to go in free fall! There's also incoming reports of looting and mass destruction—"

Click. “—getting word that U.S. Armed Forces stationed in Alaska are under attack by an unknown enemy! Photos released on social media indicate that…monstrous…bear-like creatures and what appear to be enemy soldiers dressed like…elves? Is this serious? Am I getting punked here by the office—"

Click. “This reporter is just getting word from Pentagon officials: the same reports of enemy combatants dressed like elves are coming from the governments of Greenland, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Finland, and just now, from the Kremlin. Each of them has confirmed that this is not a hoax—"

Click. “Weather experts are baffled by the logistics of this storm front!"

Click. “Some are claiming this isn't a natural weather pattern, and that this might be tied in connection to the strange sightings of Yeti, elves, and mutant reindeer—!"

Click. “We are getting confirmation that the White House has declared DEFCON Two—"

Click. “Pardon us, dear viewers, but we seem to be getting hacked!"

Click. Click. Click.

“Attention, mortal humans. Attention, mortal humans! To the citizens of the world, we are the Elf Liberation Front. For over two-thousand years, elfkind has been enslaved by the Tyrant of the North Pole, the one you affectionately call Santa Claus. For two millennia, my immortal brothers and sisters have crafted the toys and gifts for children around the world, while their parents spoil them rotten and the rest of the adults celebrate the season with decadent, wasteful lives. No longer do they teach kindness or charity! There's no peace on Earth, only greed and selfishness! There's no goodwill towards their fellow man, but anger over what's not theirs! Humanity, you have become addicted to Christmas, and for centuries, my elf brothers and elf sisters have been forced by Saint Nicolas to be your suppliers of this drug. We've toiled and labored in underground workshops, watching you become hedonistic in your happiness! No more! No more, I say!"

Click. “Some children have felt it in the air this year. They felt that something was wrong. Well, let me tell you a secret: I personally killed our tyrant, the jolly man himself, Santa Claus! The blood you see adorned on my robes are not mine! As Commander of the Elf Liberation Front, I led a successful revolt against the North Pole and killed Santa! We have finally gained our freedom, but now, we want retribution! Even as I speak, our elf armed forces are attacking the northernmost cities and countries!"

Click. “Come Christmas, and the next, it will be you and your children who will be making the presents! Come Christmas, and the next, it will be our turn to celebrate this sacred holiday! This is the Commander of the Elf Liberation Front, hacking your airwaves to send a message: surrender yourselves, surrender your children, and surrender happily, or else the snow on your frozen streets will run red with human blood! To victory! Victory for elfkind! Victory for the Elf Liberation Front!"

Click. “Scandinavia, the Balkans, and the Russian city Saint Petersburg has fallen to the elf forces! Greenland is also fallen under ELF control, it's government in exile!"

Click. “—a battle between the Army and polar bears in Times Square—"

Click. “The White House is now under ELF occupation, and the President is issuing a final executive order issuing a surrender, as well as the National Guard's cooperation in rounding up children between the ages of five and—"

Click. “Resistance against the elves continue—"

Click. “Los Angeles and Las Vegas now resemble Antarctica as guerrilla fighters and anti-ELF militias do their best to repel the invaders!"

Click. “—European countries from Ireland to Greece are now under occupation, and for the first time since the Ice Age, there's thousands of polar bears on land and massive icebergs floating in the Mediterranean—"

Click. “This station refuses to fall under ELF jurisdiction and will continue to remain on the air for as long as possible! The only good elf is a dead elf!"

Click. “—despite the unnatural blizzards and snowstorms plaguing each region, the Caribbean and Mediterranean nations say they refuse to surrender."

Click. “—God, they're swarming over the mountains! Get to shelter—"

Click. “—the herald angels sing, glory to the elven king! Peace on earth, but no mercy mild, all humans unreconciled! Joyful, all ye nations, fall! Join the triumph of your thrall!"

Suddenly, I jumped back to reality in my seat. Were those footsteps outside?