Squeezing Safari Episode 67: Battle of the Boners
An obnoxious collaboration between Content Creators ™? In MY smut library? It's more likely than you think!
The following is a digitally created summary of the EweTube video “SQUEEZING SAFARI EPISODE 67: Battle of the Boners (Featuring KevinTheStallion”, a production of the extremely popular online nature show Squeezing Safari with Barry and Ellie. This document was created for the purposes of accessibility and archiving. This text is compatible with most text-to-speech generators and has not been modified for content or length. Explicit content is present in this document. Reader discretion is advised.
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Barry the basset hound steps into the shot, visible only from the waist up. Behind him are bleachers and a basketball hoop featuring the LA Pondlers logo.
“What's up, EweTube?!” Barry shouts, gesturing around him. “You're probably wondering why I'm standing in the iconic Pondlers Arena. You're probably also wondering why I'm naked and my dick is hard!”
The camera pans down to reveal that the canine is, in fact, nude below his belt line and fully erect. It also reveals Ellie, standing by his leg with her hands on her hips and a grimace on her face. She's wearing a slutty referee costume, featuring a striped belly shirt and black shorts that absolutely burrow into every crevice. A spray bottle is clipped to her waistband.
“The answer is that our guest today has a lot of connections. And both he and Barry took Taldalifil,” Ellie sighs, rolling her eyes.
Panning over and up, we're given a waist-up shot of a black-furred stallion wearing a Pondler’s jersey, a smile, and nothing else. “What is up, EweTube?! It's a ya boy Kevin with a banger of a collaboration!” the horse cheers, gesticulating wildly at the camera. With a thrust of his hips, his equine penis flops up and smacks into his belly. “And that was my dick reveal. Don't bother screenshotting it. You'll be seeing a lot more soon, bet!”
“Right you are!” Barry says as the camera whips back over to him. “Because today, right here in the Pondler's house, Kevin and I will be going head to head…but the balls we'll be using aren't the kind you usually see out here. Get ready for a SQUEEZYMON BATTLE!” The words appear in giant red font on the screen as airhorn.wav blares. “Ellie, please explain!”
“Alright,” Ellie sighs as she appears on screen next to a text box listing the rules. “Here's how it goes: You two doofuses stick your dinguses into monsters that your opponent chooses. The first one to nut loses. Each round lasts for 30 seconds. And…that's it. Inspired, no? Now, Kevin, call the coin toss,” she says, reaching between her breasts and fishing out a shiny coin.
“Heads!” Kevin declares.
The coin sails through the air before slapping against Ellie's chubby palm. “Heads! Kevin, you're first!”
“Hell yeah! Bring forth my first warrior!” the horse orders. A slender cheetah in a cocktail dress struts into frame with a rectangular object covered in a black cloth before smiling seductively and stalking away.
“Oh, a box! Must be feral!” Barry muses, tapping his chin.
“A box?” Kevin chuckles, grabbing the edge of the cloth. “Not quite.”
Yanking away the fabric with a dramatic flourish, the horse reveals that the box is, in fact, an aquarium. Floating serenely in the water is a jellyfish-like creature about the size of a basketball. It is a translucent, fleshy, blue mass with a small cluster of dark organs in the middle. Two fin-like flaps hang from its underside where one might expect to see tentacles.
“Oh, a Thirsty Jelly?” Barry smirks, rolling his eyes. “I took one of those on in, what, my third episode?”
“Yeah,” Ellie murmurs. “That went really well, as I recall.”
The scene cuts away to a clip from episode 3, featuring Barry shrieking in orgasmic bliss as he thrusts frantically into an inflatable pool filled with Thirsty Jellies. Mid-scream, it smash cuts back to Barry in the arena. The aquarium is now on the floorboards, and the dog is on all fours over it with his penis dangling precariously over the water.
“Time starts on insertion!” Ellie announces before blowing her whistle.
Barry's dick jabs into the tank, attracting the attention of the creature immediately. It turns, positioning its underside over the canine’s tip before impaling itself with a fast, plunging motion. An explosion of bubbles surges from its mouth as it sucks tight against the veiny length and begins to knead it. The flaps on the underside slide down underneath Barry's testicles to caress and stroke them. Muffled glorp sounds emerge from the water as the interior of the jelly suckles at its prey.
“Time!” Ellie shouts as a 30-second timer appears in the corner and starts counting down.
“The Thirsty Jelly was a favorite treat among sailors back in the age of pirates,” Barry explains, wincing as the monster bounces gently over his erection. “While its suction and chewing motions are enough to get the job done, opinions are mixed on its tendency to be a little rough on the family jewels with its prehensile flaps.”
“Oh, distracting yourself by playing the professor?” Kevin sneers as the timer hits :20. “Tell us more about that suction, though.”
“Yeah,” Ellie joins in, smiling wickedly. “They don't call it ‘thirsty’ for no reason. I can see it giving your dick a shiatsu massage right through its body. Must feel great.”
“I…uh…not really!” Barry gasps as the clock hits :10. “I mean, it's actually squeezing my balls a little…firmly…”
“A little like you always ask me to during our shoots?” Ellie asks, squatting next to the tank.
“Ohhhh! Five seconds, son!” Kevin cheers, squatting next to Ellie. His cock throbs out between his thighs like a meaty dousing rod, attracting a glance from the otter.
“I…huff…GET THE BOTTLE READY!”
BRRRRRRT
Barry lunges backward, pulling both his knotted dick and the jellyfish from the tank. Like a sheriff at high noon, Ellie yanks the bottle from her hip and unleashes a volley of lemon juice on the suckling creature. Irritated by the citric mist, the jelly immediately drops back into the tank with an obscene shluck. The dog's penis, now freed, bounces plaintively toward the camera.
“Woo!” Barry celebrates, thrusting both fists into the air as his cock drools onto the Pondlers logo.
“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin acknowledges, clapping politely and rising to his feet. “Very impressive. Guess you've picked up some tricks since you started.”
“I have!” Barry replies, gesturing to Ellie that he wants something out of frame. “And I've made some special friends along the way.”
Ellie pushes out a cart with a potted plant blooming within. Surrounded by a plume of glossy tropical leaves is a long, yellow tube of a flower.
“That had better not be carnivorous,” Kevin mutters, eyeing up the creature.
“Technically, it is, but you've got nothing to worry about. That, my friend, is an Antuvian Tongue Flower,” Barry explains. “Take a look inside!”
Kevin approaches and peers down into the tube before recoiling with a gasp. “Oh shit. You don't mean to tell me…”
“That you'll be putting your dick in that? Sure,” Barry chuckles, smirking at his opponent. “But don't worry. I don't think you'll be in there the full 30 seconds. You won't last nearly that long.”
The horse puts his hands on his hips and huffs, staring with great apprehension at the plant. “Fuck it, YOLO!” he cries before taking the flower in one hand and his cock in the other. Pulling the bloom toward him, he hesitates for only a second before plunging sheathe-deep in the creature. A wet squick echoes through the empty arena as it accepts his length and goes to work.
“As the name might imply, the interior of the Tongue Flower is lined with countless wiggly little appendages,” Ellie explains, sauntering up to the stallion's twitching thigh and leaning against it. “Most of the time, those tongue-like protrusions pull unfortunate insects and amphibians down to the base of the flower.”
“It is pulling me,” Kevin groans, gazing with concern at the bulge his unit is making in the wriggling petals. “Shit, it kind of tickles. Like a million little brushes painting my meat.”
“Don't let it pull you too far, big guy. There's digestive fluid at the end of that tube,” the otter says with a wicked grin.
“W-Wait!” Kevin squeaks, pulling his hips back as the timer hits :20. “You didn't say…ugh…”
It seems as though Kevinthestallion is having some difficulty extracting himself. The flower swallows and tugs at its meal as it struggles, desperately trying to pull what it likely believed to be a huge snake to its doom. The friction of his penis grinding against the squirming walls provokes sharp gasps and frantic snorts as the horse both tries to preserve his sex and his victory. All the while, a sound like thick sauce being stirred emerges from the ravenous plant. It is the sound of thousands of slimy nodules rubbing against nearly a foot of equine shaft.
“Oh god, please tell me my time is almost up,” the horse moans as he yanks his hips up, revealing a sheen of ooze on the segment that emerges.
BRRRRRRRT
Ellie whips up the spray bottle once more and unleashes a series of strong jets against the flower’s surface. Its petals spasm around Kevin a few times before relaxing and peeling open, revealing the glistening nubs that had only seconds before been attempting to devour an EweTube celebrity's penis. The organ in question is moist, but unharmed. Kevin hugs it against his belly.
“I'm so sorry, Little Kev’. I'll never stick you in anything like that again,” he sobs, soothing his troubled member.
“Oh, please. Tongue Flowers are amateur hour,” Barry shrugs, mugging at the camera.
“I'm sure it's a lot less concerning if your dick can't possibly reach the base of the flower,” Ellie laughs.
Air horns and OOF.wav play as the camera zooms in on Barry's face, which is now scowling.
“Alright, boys, we've reached the point where our target demo’s attention spans are running out, so let's just wrap this up here and now with a sudden death round!” Ellie shrieks.
Thunder and lightning effects play as the words “SUDDEN DEATH” flash in giant red impact font.
“And here's how it's going to work!” the otter continues. “Shayla, bring out the special surprise!”
The cheetah appears on the court once more, this time pushing a waist-high cart. Perched on top is a squirming, pink tube of translucent flesh–which writhes around as questing mouths on both ends open and close. Shayla bends down and high-fives the otter before exiting once more.
“What is it?” Kevin gasps, poking the thing’s squirming mass before recoiling.
“It's a Rosy Hoseworm,” Barry sighs, glancing down at Ellie. “You’re not proposing what I think you are, are you?”
A wicked smile spreads over Ellie's muzzle as she rubs her palms together. “Oh, I'm pretty sure I am. The hoseworms have a unique physiology that allows them to feed using either end, even both at the same time. You two boys are going to do exactly that. First one to blow loses.”
The males look at each other, then at one another's penises, and then down at the worm.
“Fine. I signed up for this, and I'm not about to lose,” Kevin huffs, rolling his shoulders and grabbing his dick in one hand and the worm in the other.
“Alright, you're on!” Barry growls, following suit with his own appendage and worm-end.
The otter raises three fingers in the air and begins her countdown. “Three…two…one…STICK ‘EM IN!”
With a wet squick, both males slid easily into the hoseworm–its internal mucus lubricating their passage. Lips sealed behind the dog's knot and the horse’s medial ring. The transparent exterior of the creature reveals the wriggling, textured interior as it presses in on the engorged organs.
“Hey, Kevin! All the way! Balls deep!” Ellie chides the horse, clapping her hands impatiently.
“Are you sure…there's room?” Kevin asks uncertainly, looking at the distance between his tip and Barry's.
“Oh, please, it's extremely elastic. Stick it in, or get disqualified,” the otter replies, rolling her eyes.
The shadow of the horse’s dick pushes deeper into the worm, welcomed by its suctioning maw. It stops short of the dog's by about half a foot…and then the worm contracts, sucking hard on the embedded males. Both gasp and grunt as their tips are tugged with an inch of one another.
“You couldn't have sourced a larger hoseworm?!” Barry snarls, pulling back as hard as he dares.
“Oh dear, is it too small?” Ellie jeers, smirking as she rocks back and forth on her heels. “I guess I forgot to measure. Silly me!”
“Goddamn, I've gotta see this!” another female voice interjects from out of frame. Shayla sprints onto the court and bends down, staring in awe at the worm.
“See what?!” Kevin asks, his voice taking on a panicky edge. “Don't tell me we're about to–”
The worm contracts again, and this time there was no avoiding it. A quick shlick emanates from its body as the first quarter of Barry's dick slides against Kevin's much larger length.
“At least the balls aren't touching! That's what counts!” Ellie cackles, pressing her hands to her cheeks in elation.
“Whyyyyy did I agree to this?” Kevin wheezes as the worm massages their soaked penises into one another.
Despite their whining and complaints, the warmth of engorged flesh lubricated by worm-slime was not, apparently, unpleasant. Neither male can deny what was happening. Their gasping pants and twitching thighs betrayed every attempt to save face.
“Is it just me, or is this kinda fucking hot?” Shayla purrs, leaning closer to watch the genital jousting match playing out inside the monster.
“If you think that's something, watch this,” Ellie replies, cheesing at the camera as she tosses the cap of the spray bottle aside before dipping one finger into the container's mouth. She then yanks out her moist finger and flicks a small misting of citrus droplets at the worm.
The hoseworm contracts so fiercely that both males are thrown into one another’s arms. Both dog and horse look into each other's eyes as the worm’s writhing goes into overdrive. Both penises are squished, pressed, and shifted so quickly it was hard to make out any distinct shape inside the creature.
“I think I…I'm…” Kevin whines.
“Y-Yepppp!” Barry agrees in a high falsetto before throwing his head back and staring sightlessly at the arena's ceiling.
It begins as a milky white bulge that forms in the middle of the worm. Soon gouts of pearly fluid pour from both ends of the worm like an overstuffed cannoli. Barry and Kevin grip one another as orgasm annihilates all reason in a blinding wave of ecstasy.
“Holy shit!” Shayla gasps, watching the bizarre Eiffel Tower play out. “Who won?”
“Who cares?” Ellie shrugs, smacking the cheetah on her shapely ass. “Let's go grab some martinis at the VIP bar.”
“Hell yeah!” Shayla cheers, slapping palms with the otter before walking away with her off-screen.
Barry and Kevin stand together, panting and staring into one another’s eyes as the worm, fully engorged with food, relaxes and slides itself off of their soaked, flagging organs. The only sound is their breathing and the creature's wet squicks, amplified by the empty arena.
“Okay…okay…” Kevin groans. “I felt you shoot first, so…”
“The hell you did!” Barry shouts, life returning to his eyes at last. “I'm a professional, and it'll take a hell of a lot more than a hoseworm to–”
“Seems like it just took some horsedick, which is sus, by the way!” Kevin retorts. “And you will pay me that prize fund, or I'll…”
The camera pans back as the audio fades. Fade to black. Roll credits.